Disclaimer: I don't own any part of FSOG. They all belong to E.L. James.

Chapter 36

APOV

"Tell me how you feel Ana…tell me exactly what you are feeling right now" Flynn says looking at me empathetically.

"I feel a lot of things" I state glancing at Christian.

"Share them with me. Let them out." He urges gently.

"First, I'm disappointed"

"With whom?"

"My mother."

"Why Ana…"

I look at Flynn and have this urge to slap him. And it's not even his fault. Flynn is quite nice. He is quiet, unassuming and has a great sense of humor. Yet, I have this incredible urge to slap him.

Why do I feel disappointed? God. Where do I even start?

Christian who is sitting next to me, probably senses my distress and takes my hand in his and squeezes it gently.

All these feelings and thoughts I had neatly pushed away are surfacing in a very unpleasant way ... and I can't handle it. I feel my heartbeat increasing and it's like my chest is being pressed together. Focusing on Christian's presence I try to overcome this restless feeling.

"Ana, if you want to stop just say the word and we will go home." Christian says moving his head close to mine. I just focus on his voice…hi scent…something to get me through this.

"Christian, I don't think it's wise…" Flynn starts but he is interrupted by a clearly annoyed Christian.

"John, you can see yourself she is on the verge of having a panic attack."

"At some point or another she has to go through this, because if she keeps boiling this feelings inside her…."

"Stop! Just Stop!" I yell. "Don't talk about me as if I'm not in the room!" I stand up from the couch and look at the two men who are now looking at me as if I have grown three heads.

"You want to know why I'm so disappointed right?" I say looking at Flynn. I start pacing his office and wrap my arms around my waist. My entire body is shaking and I feel cold.

"Well I'm disappointed because my mother was never there for me. I'm disappointed because she took me away from the only man I only saw as my dad and took me to life with this horrible man. I'm disappointed because she never stood up for me…I'm disappointed because ever since I was a little girl I have always felt that I was standing in her way…like I was a nuisance. I'm disappointed because she didn't do anything against the abuse I had to deal with day after day." I brush the tears away that have fallen on my cheeks and go stand in front of the window.

"I'm hurt because when Ray came to pick me up to take me to Montesano with him, she didn't ask me to stay…I'm hurt because that horrible husband number three crushed my self-esteem and dignity…and the only thing she did was encourage him…I'm hurt because I never got to experience a safe and cherished childhood like every child deserves…I'm hurt because husband number three thought it was fun to drag me down the stairs by my hair and cut it off…I'm hurt because I can't even enter a hair salon without having a panic attack." Taking in a deep breath I turn around and face the two man in the room. Christian has his head in his hands. Flynn's face is impassive, but his eyes betray him.

"I'm angry because husband number three fucked me up in such way that I always think the worst of myself…I'm angry for a lot of things Doctor Flynn…but most of all…most of all I'm severely pissed of the fact that my boss decided to attack me…and fuck me up even more. And every time I smell someone wearing the same cologne as him I get sick to my stomach…" A sob escapes my mouth and I lean against his desk "I feel dirty and embarrassed because that fucking Hyde touched me all over my body…even though I pleaded with him not to…again and again. I always pleaded with husband number three and my mother, but they never listened…never."

I look on Flynn's desk and see a paperweight. Without thinking about it I take it in my hand and throw it against a glass display case with all the strength I have in me.

The sound of the breaking glass is exhilarating. But I still feel the anger shimmering inside me. Christian is standing beside me with his hands placed on my shoulders. "Ana, it's all right…they can't hurt you anymore…you are stronger now Ana."

"No, Christian it's not all right…it's not all right…it's not all right…it's not." I whisper the last part and let myself fall on my knees on the floor. Christian immediately sits down next to me and takes me in his arms.

"Don't you see Christian…I'm angry for all the little Christian's and Ana's out there who have no one…no one to help them… There is no one who says…come I will help you. I'm feeling indescribably angry towards the pimp who hurt you and abused you, and towards that horrible woman who groomed you into something you weren't and made you believe it…they took a part of you with them and I am so sorry that you couldn't defend yourself against the pimp…I'm so sorry…"

"Oh Ana" Christian crushes me against his chest and holds me real tight. Like he never wants to let me go ever again. And instead of feeling suffocated by his strong hold I feel cherished.

After a few minutes I hear Flynn clearing his throat. "Is there anything else you want to share with us Ana?"

"Yes" I whisper.

"I'm also sad because I lost my dad due to an idiot. An idiot who decided to break into my home and leave me a threat. I'm sad because Christian will never have the chance to meet him. And I'm incredibly sad because he isn't here to celebrate our engagement…I…I just miss his terribly."

I feel the anger building up again in my chest and stand up from the floor. I'm looking around to find something that I can smash or break but there is nothing. So I just turn around and slam with my hands on Flynn's desk. "You have no idea what I would give to spend one more day with him…hearing his voice…calling me "Annie"….he was the only one who called me Annie." I am still slamming with my hands against the desk until I feel Christian pulling me back.

"Ana, you are going to hurt yourself" he says with a distraught voice.

"It's not fair…it's just not fair…it. Is. Not. Fucking. Fair." I yell the last part.

"Ana…" Christian is holding me again and rocking me back and forth.

The next minutes, the only sounds in the room are those of my crying and my inconsistent breathing. Flynn offers me a glass of water which I bring to my lips with trembling hands and take small sips.

I look at Christian and see the tears brimming in his eyes. He pulls a handkerchief from his pocket and starts wiping my face with so much love and care, that I start crying again.

"Come let's sit down baby." Christian guides me to the green couch and sits next to me. He places his arm around my shoulder and pulls me to his side kissing me on my head.

"I'm so proud of you baby."

I shake my head "I'm a mess Christian."

I look at Flynn who is now seated back in his black chair. "I'm sorry John, I'm sorry for acting that way…but I don't know what came over me."

"Don't ever apologize again for telling me how you feel. I was expecting this reaction." Flynn states.

"I could sense that the times you came here before you were holding back. Afraid of opening up to me…afraid of expressing yourself. Christian is right. You should be proud of yourself too. You are a remarkable woman, and very strong."

While Flynn is talking to me I focus on Christian's handkerchief in my hands and brush with my fingertips over his initials. This is typically Christian. And I love it.

"I want to say one more thing. Since the moment I met Christian I felt loved, cherished and taken care off. I am indeed a stronger person, but that's because of him. Because he tells me every single day how much he loves me and how special I am and I actually dare to believe him. And even though he can be a bit stubborn and a tad controlling…I wouldn't want him any other way and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him."

"I love you Ana." Christian whispers in my ear. "So much."

Flynn clears his throat and places his notebook on the table next to his chair. He staples his fingers in front of his mouth and starts speaking.

"Based on the sessions we've had, I strongly believe you are suffering from Post-traumatic stress syndrome. EMDR therapy is now recommended as an effective treatment for trauma. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), is a psychotherapy that emphasizes disturbing memories and alleviates the symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder."

Flynn retrieves a brochure that is lying on his desk and hands it to me. "Here you will find all the information about PTSD and EMDR. I suggest you take a look at it. Tomorrow I will call you and discuss your treatment plan. Do you agree or do you have other suggestions?"

"No, it's fine."

"I think it's best to end this session here. Since it has been a very emotional session for you Ana, I will contact you tomorrow."

Christian and I both stand up from the couch and I look down at the glass on the floor.

"I'm sorry about that" I say pointing towards the glass. "I will take it up with your receptionist and I will replace it immediately."

Flynn actually starts laughing. "Don't worry Ana, this wasn't the first time the glass display got smashed." He says looking at Christian.

"Did you also break that display?" I ask incredulously.

"Guess I did, but I didn't use a paperweight…I used my fists." He kisses the top of my head and places his arm around my shoulder.

"Let's go home Ana."

A big mahogany desk adorns Flynn's reception area. And behind this desk sits a young woman with long blond hair. It's amazing though to see the shift in behavior the moment she sees Christian. Immediately she starts twirling a tendril of hair around her chubby fingers and batting her eyelashes. I roll my eyes and walk towards her desk. Christian is right on my heels.

Standing at the desk I wait for the receptionist to peel her eyes of my fiancé. Finally I have to clear my throat to get her attention.

When she finally has the decency to look my way I see her blushing furiously. But before she can say something I start talking.

"There has been a small accident in Doctor Flynn's office with the glass display. I would like to take care of the expenses."

The receptionist reaches for the pen that is lying next to the paperweight. Oh! The possibilities…

I can't hold back a giggle. Christian is looking at me confused but smiles when he sees me pointing to the paperweight.

"I have a better idea" Christian says. "Send the bill to Escala and I will make sure that it's taken care off."

"Of course Mr. Grey" the receptionist answers back. She is almost panting. I roll my eyes and look at Christian. How unfortunate it would be if that paperweight would accidentally make contact with her chubby hands.

"And one word of advice" Christian says looking at the receptionist. "Remove that paperweight from your desk."

Back in the SUV I feel exhausted and drained. I lean with my head against the window and close my eyes.

CPOV

I look at Ana who fell asleep the moment we sat in the car. I already send Andrea a text telling her to send me some papers I was working on this morning to Escala. It was the intention to get back to GEH as soon as Ana's session with Flynn was finished. But no way in hell I'm leaving her alone at this moment.

I had expected that Ana would have a meltdown. Fucking Flynn can be so damn persistent. And I could feel Ana's turmoil. In addition Ana never talked to a professional about her time in Vegas or after the Hyde attack. To share this with some one feels frightening. Add to that feeling out of control.

Taylor steers us in to the parking garage and parks the car in his usual spot. After unbuckling her seatbelt I take Ana in my arms and walk into the waiting elevator.

When the elevator starts to move she stirs for a moment and opens her eyes. "Sleep Ana…I'm with you."

"So tired" she mumbles and leans her head back at my chest.

I walk directly to our bedroom and lower her on the bed. "Do you want to lie down next to me?" She asks quietly.

I take off my shoes and lie down behind her, my chest against her back. Immediately she takes my hand, intertwines our fingers and places it against her chest.

"Sleep baby."

I can't describe the chaos that is brewing inside of me. The way she was telling about her emotions during her session was heartbreaking. The pain on her face while she was remembering was one of complete pain and devastation. No one should have to go through what she did.

And so typically Ana. Feeling hurt for all the little Christian's and Ana's in this world. She is right, no child should ever be exposed to violence or abuse. A child should grow up feeling save and loved.

I wait until her breathing is even and she loosens her grip on my hand. I quietly slide out of our bed and make my way to Taylor.

When I enter his office Taylor and Sawyer are looking at some papers in front of them.

"Gentlemen"

"Mr. Grey" Both men stand up and place their hands behinds their backs.

I dismiss them both with a wave of my hand and sit down in one of the chairs.

"I have a few things I would like to discuss with you."

While they both sit down I try to gather my thoughts. My head is spinning and I feel out of fucking control. I clench my hands into fists and count to ten.

"I want before the end of the day an update on Ana's mother. What she is doing, eating…hell I want to know every puff off air she breathes in. I also would like and update on Jack Hyde and Josh Evers. As you both know Ana wants to see him. Arrange that. And I want to bring a visit to Hyde…"

I look at Taylor and shake my head. "I know what you want to say Taylor, but I need to do this. I need to do this for Ana."

"I understand Sir." Taylor says.

"I can give you and update now Sir. The last thing I heard from my contact was that Hyde was in the infirmary. The reason for his sudden hospitalization is a ruptured anus. They didn't elaborate on what caused his anus to rupture, but I have a pretty good idea." Taylor is smirking. "He also lost sight in one of his eyes during a violent fight. Very, very unfortunate" he says sarcastically.

He shifts in his chair and focusses his attention back at me. "As for Josh Evers. He isn't allowed yet in receiving visitors. But I'll see what I can do. As for Mrs. Adams, Sir. The last news I had from our CPO in Georgia, was that she barely leaves the house. Her husband, on the other hand is barely home. I guess he is away for business. I am informed every four days. And only if something out of the ordinary happens I'm informed immediately."

"Did you hear anything from Welch regarding Ana's grandparents? Does he have a lead or anything?"

"No Sir. We have little information and there are a lot of Lamberts living in this country. We have started searching where Ana's biological father was born. But Sir, please don't get your hopes up…there is a possibility that we find out that they passed away. It's just…I don't want Ana to be disappointed again."

"Just keep digging."

I leave the room and pass the kitchen where Gail is working on dinner. "Good afternoon Mr. Grey."

"Gail, do we happen to have chocolate cake?"

"No, Sir. But I would be happy to make one for you. It won't take so much time."

"That would be great Gail. It's for Ana…she loves chocolate cake."

"Of course Mr. Grey. I will start right away."

It has been three days since Ana's visit to John. The first day she kept to herself, spending time at the library. The day after I offered to her to stay at home and spend the day together, but she declined and insisted that I should go to GEH.

I left early from work to spend the evening with Ana, maybe take her out for dinner.

But when I enter the kitchen I see Gail standing there preparing something delicious, to the smell of it.

"Ana?" I ask her walking to the fridge.

"She is upstairs with Melissa Sir, in the library."

I find them together in the library snuggled together in one of the chairs. I lean against the door and listen to them talking. Every now and then I peek through the crack of the door.

"Carrick wanted to teach me how to fish the other day." Melissa says.

"Oh…do you like fishing?"

"Uhm…no not really…I think that the worms are really gross."

"So what did you do?" Ana asks.

"I just sat with him…and he knows a lot of funny stories…like one time he was at work with a client and he had this really big booger sticking out of his nose…" they are both giggling and laughing while they picture this big important client making a fool out of himself.

"And he also tells me a lot of stories about Elliot, Christian and Mia when they were little."

"Oooh" Ana replies. "Embarrassing stories?"

Melissa starts giggling again. "Yes" she almost whispers.

I decide it's a good time to make my presence known and enter the library.

"Hi" they both say surprised.

"You're home early" Ana says looking at the clock.

"Yeah, I heard Melissa was here, so I decided to come home early and spend time with my two favorite girls."

After giving them both a kiss on their cheek, I sit on the couch across from Ana and Melissa and I'm once again amazed about how similar they look. Melissa is leaning with her head against Ana's shoulder and they are holding hands.

"So what were you girls talking about?" I say taking a sip of my wine.

"Melissa was just going to share some humiliating stories of the Grey-siblings while they were growing up, but I guess it will have to wait until another time." Ana is smiling and looking and me mischievously.

"There are no humiliating stories about me, are there Melissa?" I wink at her and smile.

She nods her head and blushes.

"But there are more embarrassing stories about Elliot though?" I try to persuade her to start talking.

"He snores." She replies.

"Who Elliot?" Ana asks.

"Yes, I was at his house the other day and I was in the living room watching TV when he fall asleep on the couch. Megan was making dinner. Anyway…he made this horrible loud noise."

"What did you do? Did you wake him?" I ask. Because I know exactly what the told her.

"Actually, Megan woke him…and he said that, that's how construction workers sleep, because they are tough and robust." Yup, just as I thought.

There is a slight knock at the door and Gail enters the library. "I'm sorry for the interruption Mr. Grey, Ana. But I promised Melissa she could help me with dessert."

Melissa's face transforms into a huge smile and she runs to where Gail is standing.

When we are finally alone Ana immediately gets up from her chair, places my wine glass on the table and sits on my lap. "I missed you" she murmurs.

"I missed you too Ana."

"So, are you looking forward to your birthday tomorrow?" Her hands sneak around my waist and she snuggles morphing against my chest. Perfect. Fit.

"Considering how over the top Mia can be….not really. However I'm looking forward in waking up next to you…and opening my presents…"

"Presents? Plural?" Ana replies laughing. "Who says I got you presents?"

"Yeah, I want lots and lots and lots of presents and I want a chocolate cake."

"You are not demanding at all Christian." Ana says playfully.

"How many presents did you get me?" I ask laughing.

"Not telling you."

"Why not, you can tell me the amount, but not tell me what you got me…"

"You will have to wait until tomorrow Christian…geez you sound like a little kid."

"I love you Ana…I can't wait to marry you."

"Yeah, I love you too Grey and I can't wait to marry you either, but I'm still not telling you." She giggles and presses her lips against mine.

"Is it big?" I ask looking into her mesmerizing eyes.

"Oh, yeah it's really big." She straddles me and throws her hand around my neck and intertwines her fingers in my hair.

"How big?"

"You're impossible Christian!"

"But you love me."

"Oh yeah I love you…lots and lots and lots."

Half an hour ago Melissa left. Taylor decided to take her home. Ana and I are sitting in the tub, with soothing background music.

"Come let me wash your hair." Ana grabs the shampoo bottle and sits on her knees in between my legs.

I let my eyes slide down her delectable body. The foam that is gradually slipping down her breasts, a few strands of hair that have escaped her bun are now sticking against her elegant neck. She is pure perfection.

I see her nipples begging for my attention. When my eyes meet hers, I see her smiling.

Her eyes drop to my crotch where my cock is at full attention, the tip peeking out of the water.

"He needs some washing too baby." I say pointing at my dick.

"If you're a good boy" she answers huskily and brushes her tongue against my mouth.

She slowly pours the shampoo in the palm of her hand and starts massaging my scalp. I immediately relax.

"What are you doing?" I ask after several minutes.

She giggles. "I'm trying a new hairstyle on you."

"Are you making fun of me Ms. Steele?"

"Oh no!" she says sarcastically.

"Tell me what kind of hairstyle do I have now?"

"Well…we can go for the 'Mohawk style', or…we can do the 'Bieber' style." Mohawk, yes…Bieber…no fucking idea who she is talking about.

"Which one do you like best?" I tuck a tendril of hair behind her ear and skim with my thumb against her jaw.

"To be honest, I like the Christian style most" she smiles.

With the greatest care and attention she starts rinsing my hair. She places her small hand on my forehead, so that the foam doesn't get into my eyes and continues. The feeling now flowing through my body is indescribable.

The moment she is finished I press her petit frame against me and hide my head in the crook of her neck.

She wraps her arms around my neck and we just enjoy each other. There are no words needed, she knows…

After several minutes of silence she forces me to look at her. "I love to take care of you too Christian."

"I need you Ana."

"Let me take care of you." She replies, her hands holding my face.

"Sit on the edge of the bath Christian." I do as I'm told. She scoops closer and opens my knees.

I feel her warm mouth enveloping my length. I ball my hands into fists to prevent myself from grabbing her hair forcefully and regulate the pace. Her tongue is making the most delicious movements…she is licking and sucking, and the moment I feel my cock touching the back of her throat a moan escapes me.

"Yeah, Ana…just like that."

As a response she makes a humming sound. Right away the vibrations go from my cock to my balls intensifying the amazing feeling. Before I know it my hands are wrapped in her hair and I push her head down. I feel her tensing slightly, but she amazingly composes herself immediately.

While her mouth is massaging my dick in the most fantastic way I look down. Her hands leaning on my thighs, my hands in her hair and her beautiful straight back. I feel her hand slide down to my balls and squeezes them gently. My legs start to tense and after a few more strokes I explode spectacularly in her mouth. When I have released everything I have in me she releases my dick from her mouth and wipes the saliva from her mouth with the back of her hand. I slide down back into the tub and hold her against my chest.

"God Ana, that was amazing!" I finally manage to say.

Ana is snuggled up to me when we are finally lying in bed. "Baby, those knees of yours are awfully close to my balls."

She giggles. "You are such a wimp. But now something else Mr. Grey. We never discussed Christian Grey's embarrassing stories."

"There is not much to tell Ana. I mean I was the perfect child growing up."

"Yeah, right…stories Grey!"

"Promise not to tell anyone?" I say raising my eyebrow.

"They can be that embarrassing…but wait I want to look at your face." Still with her knees dangerously close to my balls she moves so that we are facing each other. Her eyes are shining brightly and there is a smile adorning her beautiful face.

"I don't know if these are embarrassing stories per say, but I remember when I reached puberty that I had a constant boner. I mean…non-stop. And I masturbated so many times, I just lost count." I shake my head and look at her. God. She is so beautiful.

"You are blushing" She says tracing my lips with her finger.

"I never told this to anyone."

"Not to your friends or Elliot?"

"I didn't have any friends Ana. I was very closed of…a loner. And as for Elliot…he gave up trying."

She furrows her brows and kisses my lips.

"And Elliot, he had the most epic acne ever…it was horrible."

"Poor Elliot"

"Nah, not really. He was always a pain in the ass. He was always making jokes about 'the dirt on my upper lip', he could go on and on…it was too little to shave and not enough to call a 'mustache', but I hated being ridiculed about it."

"It turned out just fine" she smiles.

I smile back at her and kiss her lips. "Did you have a good time with Melissa today?"

"Yeah, she is so sweet. I told her about our engagement." She whispers the last part.

"You did?"

"I'm sorry I know that we agreed to keep it to ourselves until your birthday, but she saw the ring. Are you mad?"

"No Ana, I'm not mad. But how did she react?"

"She was happy. And I think she liked the fact that she was the only one to know about it."

Ana is chatting away about Melissa, but all I can do is look at her. Her bright blue eyes, her beautiful hair. Perfection.

While she is still talking, I press my lips against hers and kiss her. Her hands reach for my hair. She pulls gently, but within seconds her hands are slinging over my back until she reaches my ass.

"I love it when you touch me Ana." I whisper against her lips.

She smiles shyly at me. "I want you Christian"

"You already have me."

While making love we never loose eye contact. This bond we share is incredible. And after what happened today at Flynn's office I'm more determined than ever. For the rest of my life I will take care of her and cherish her. Just like I promised…