Authors Note:- They still don't belong to me. And thanks to TriFreakSF for the song suggestion.
Chapter 36Sunday morning was cold, very cold as Jane hurried into the precinct and headed for the coffee shop. She grabbed a latte, warming her cold hands on the container as she walked to the bullpen and sat in her chair. The place was empty so far, her colleagues on a day off, and no doubt enjoying a warm bed.
She sighed deeply attempting to focus her mind on work, anything but the words of Maura's letter that were whirling round her addled mind. It hadn't surprised her, the emotions and feelings that were evident in the writing. She had known from the looks, the gestures and the touches that the M.E. felt so much more than infatuation, lust or friendship for her. Her patience alone spoke volumes. Everything about Maura had had her intrigued from the start. Her voice, her mannerisms, her quirky behaviour, not to mention her intelligence, beauty and tenderness. No. What surprised her was that after this long she had still been interested in her, regardless of how many times Jane had tried to push her away.
She ran her hands through her dark curls until they crossed together at the back of her head and leant forward against the desk. Being scared of something was not the Rizzoli way. She has grown up in a strong, independent Italian family with an even stronger matriarch at the head of it who had held everything together for as long as she could remember. She'd always defended herself both at school and at college before being 'battle ready' for the real world of police work and all the hardship that would bring for a tough, ambitious woman. She'd had her fair share of relationships; dalliances would be a more accurate expression, until her. Until Lucie. That had brought certainty and belonging and an end of her need to self-preservate. Maura was definitely not Lucie. She knew that. She'd always seen the apparent differences; how someone really did want to put her needs first and strive everyday to make her happy and content. She was loyal and true and the love she had seen in those hazel-green eyes for more time than she dared to remember was real and new and she was terrified.
…..
Maura said goodbye to her sister at lunchtime before getting in her car and driving. She hadn't been entirely certainly she would actually end up the destination, but there she stood in a long woollen coat and heels waiting for the door to open.
"Maura. What a surprise. Come in." Angela said, welcoming her inside and taking her coat. "I've just made a fresh batch of homemade soup. You're welcome to join me as my children have abandoned me today for work." She smiled, walking towards the kitchen.
Maura followed closely, letting the aroma of tomato and freshly baked bread entice her. "That would be lovely. Thank you."
Angela ladled out two large bowls of steaming soup and opened the oven to remove the crusty, white bread from the tin, before slicing off two large chunks and placing them on a plate with some butter.
"So you're not working today then?" She asked eating a spoonful as she carefully studied the M.E. sat across from her.
"No. I was lucky enough to have the entire weekend free."
"Oh that's wonderful, particularly at this time of year."
"Yes indeed. My sister visited with me and we decorated the house yesterday."
"Jane mentioned that. Was she any help or did she moan about the whole thing?" She chuckled.
"She was actually very good and Katie certainly enjoyed herself as she always does when Jane is there."
Angela smiled, studying Maura's face as she spoke about her daughter. "Janie might not know this, but she has always been so very special to me. Mothers and their sons, people say, and yes, it's been true with this family. Certainly everyone thought Tommy was my number one." She looked away sadly for a moment before meeting her gaze again. "I don't have a favourite Dr Isles, but my Janie, well she's my pride and joy. So brave and stubborn, yet so caring and loving. I've always been proud of her even when she'd get into fights at school, sticking up for herself or her brothers. She'd come home with a black eye or cuts and scrapes and say, 'Don't worry Mom, you should see the other kid'."
Maura felt the tears well up in her eyes at Angela's words and how they resonated so truthfully for the adult Jane had become.
"Of course I'd tell her off, send her to her room and ground her for her actions, but I'd smile to myself in private because she remained so true to her principles. When she came home and told me she was gay I knew. A mother does if she cares to look and truly see their own child. I worried, fearing that our faith would not allow or accept her choices but how could God not love my daughter?"
"I'm sure that is a natural response given your religious background and upbringing. Many cultures find it difficult to equate sexuality with faith."
"Do you believe in god Maura?" Angela asked.
"No. Science has always been my firm belief as it is proven and tangible; something I can touch and see. Logic has always steered me and driven me forward in life. I think it's changed somewhat along the way."
"It is also important to believe in yourself too."
"Yes it is. Sometimes it is harder to do so though." Maura sighed, looking away.
"Particularly when we are at our most vulnerable, when we allow ourselves the possibly of happiness at the hands of another person; when everything feels unreal, impossible, hopeless even."
"Yes." She nodded, feeling a tear, drop onto her hand. She put the spoon down and reached in her bag for a tissue, dabbing under her eye careful not to smudge her eye makeup or be too indiscreet.
"How long have you loved her?"
"What?" Maura said, looking back up and meeting Angela's soft kind eyes.
"How long have you been in love with Janie?"
She froze; blinking several times as she searched for the words inside herself to fully explain her feelings as well as to answer the question with truth and conviction.
"I realised a few weeks ago when we took Katie to the cinema, but honestly I felt myself falling from the moment I first looked into her eyes at the store. I had fainted you see and I came too in Jane's arms and when I looked up into those deep brown…" Her voice cracked, as she started to cry freely.
Angela moved round the table and sat beside her, wrapping a comforting arm around her shoulder, her other hand cupping Maura's as she listened.
"It terrified me." She continued. "I'd spent my whole life avoiding intimacy or relationships, simply because I thought I would never find it. Maybe I stopped believing it was possible or that I was just incapable of having that type of connection with another person. It wasn't as though I even had strong ties to my parents. I've always been very much alone."
"My poor child." Angela said, pulling her closer.
"But Jane…" She smiled. "Jane just walked right into my heart. It was as though I had erected no door to my fortress, or that simply she had a key I had no idea was out there. It's been her ever since that day. Always her, in my waking mind, my thoughts, my dreams, my desires, my future wishes."
"Does she know?" She asked soothingly.
"Yes. I've made it no secret that I was attracted to her and I know she is for me in both actions and words."
"But she keeps fighting you."
"Yes." She said, with a half laugh finally able to freely talk about Jane with the one person who knew her the most in the world.
"That's my Janie. Blind and stupid." She sighed. "My god, she frustrates the hell outta me!"
"She's been through a lot." Maura said in her defence.
"She has. When that monster had her I know he took something from her that she hasn't yet got back, but then that woman…well she just damaged her even deeper. Sometimes I think those scars are worse than her hands. She told me what you did for her that day at the station, in the car park."
"She did?"
"Uh huh. I'm sure she left out details, but I could tell how much your support had meant to her. Your loyalty. Janie needs to feel protected. She might not ask for it, even kill her first born than admit it, but she needs to know she is cared for."
"I do. I really do Angela."
"I know that dear. I know."
Maura started sobbing and Angela pulled her into a tight embrace letting her release all the emotions that had built up inside. As the minutes passed, her body relaxed and the M.E. moved away to wipe her now stained eyes again.
"I gave her a letter yesterday." She said in a whisper. "I've not heard from her."
Angela sighed, biting back the frustration she felt at her daughter's stupidity.
"I told her I loved her unconditionally."
"She knows that and she will come round to this Maura, I just know she will, even if I have to kick her into next month."
"No." She rounded. "She has to want me because she loves me not because she thinks she should be with me. I couldn't live like that."
"I know, but just hang on in there sweetie. She'll come to her senses. Don't give up."
"I don't know how even if I wanted to." She replied, a sad smile playing on her lips.
"For what it's worth you are already considered family. You belong together."
Maura nodded, her sad expression changing to hopeful joy at Angela's words. "Thank you."
"Now come along. Let me fix you some dessert. Every woman needs something sweet when she's feeling a little low."
…..
Jane took an early lunch, made her excuses to the desk sergeant and drove in a haze to Maura's home with no idea of what she was going to say or do. She could feel the cool sweat trickling down her back into the dip at the base of her spine, her hands clammy on the wheel. Parking up she opened the door, slamming it closed, before hurrying through the cold towards the porch of the property. She rang the bell, looking nervously around as she kicked at her feet, her heart racing.
No reply. She rang again, this time banging her fist against the door needing entry before her head took over again.
"Come on Maura! Where the hell are you?" She muttered to the unyielding wood. "Fuck!" She cursed, walking backwards and staring up at the front windows for signs of movement.
She shivered as the wind danced across her body and she wrapped her arms round her torso to protect herself from both the elements and her spiralling emotions. It was then that she noticed the lack of a car parked on the M.E's drive. Sighing she walked dejectedly back to her own, shutting the cold out as well as her courage.
…..
Across the city Maura had left Angela's feeling full of home cooked wonders and a heart full of love and support that had left her yearning for the same from her own family and of course from her detective. She'd had to pull over in order to release her tears, sobbing freely into her hands, her body racking with the events of the past twenty-four hours and the utter state of vulnerability she had placed herself in. This was not the Maura Isles way, and it frightened her to be so lost and so changed by one woman.
As the snowflakes started to flutter down from the grey sky above, Maura's attention was pulled into the song that was slowly caressing her ears and stroking her fragile heart with a tender touch. She pressed her head into the seat rest and closed her eyes.
I'm gonna wear you down. I'm gonna start a fire. Come on, come on You're gonna take my hand, My heart is set on you. Come on, come on I'll use my eyes to draw you in,
I'm gonna make you see.
I'm gonna get to you.
You're gonna give in to me.
You're gonna feel the heat.
I'm gonna burn for you.
You're gonna melt for me.
Into my arms.
Come on, come on
Give in to me.
Whisper the sweetest words
And if you're ever sad, I'll make you laugh.
I'll chase the blues.
I don't want no one else.
And if you don't want me
I guess I'll be all by myself.
Into my arms.
Come on, come on
Give in to me.
Until I'm under your skin.
I'll use my lips; I'll use my arms.
Come on, come on
Give in to me.
Give in to me.
Give in to me.
Maura let out the breath she had been holding and bit her lip. There was no going back now. No hiding, no denying, nothing but her heart left beating on the outside of her body to be bruised and broken or loved and cherished. That choice, however was no longer hers to make.
(Song used:- 'Give In To Me' by Faith Hill)