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Self Insertion
Chapter 38
Ranma's lesson(for real this time) and... uh... Evan loses his pants.
Sometime the next afternoon Evan woke up without pants..... or a shirt for that matter... or any clothes
at all... and he was beside Shampoo. He took his arm out from under her and blink blinked.. "She
raped me..... I was raped..... I WAS RAPED!!!! OH SWEET MOTHER OF PEARL I WAS
RAPED!!!!"
Shampoo woke up and rolled over and looked up at Evan. "You I Love." She said in broken
Japanese.
"That's great.... umm...." Evan turned around. Noted another body and turned back to Shampoo.
"How did Akane get here?"
Shampoo looked under Evan and noticed Akane on the other side of Evan, also rather naked. Her
eyes filled with jealousy.
"You don't remember either?" Evan said noting the prominent emotion in Shampoo's eyes.
Shampoo jumped up and began screaming (She's naked and jiggly) "OBSTACLES IS FOR
KILLING!!" She produced some ball mallet things and hopped over Evan swiftly to attack Akane.
Evan rolled over and stopped Shampoo's attack with both hands, namely by grabbing her hands and
applying enough pressure to make her drop the mallet ball things. Shampoo's expression changed
drastically with Evan in front of her. "YOU I LOVE!!!!"
"SHE'S BI-POLAR!!!!" Evan screamed as Shampoo forced herself closer to the struggling Ninja.
"WHY AM I STRUGGLING!?! SHE'S HOT AND NAKED!!!!!"
Akane woke up then. "EXCUSE ME!!!!"
Evan turned around and let his jaw hit the floor. "Walked into that one...."
"AM I JUST BURNT RUBBER TO YOU!?!?!" She demanded.
"OBSTACLES ARE FOR KILLING!!!!" Shampoo replied.
Evan produced a learn Japanese in 12 easy steps book from his pocket universe and forced it into
Shampoo's mace-less hands. "Oh GO READ A BOOK!!... but stay naked.... real naked."
"Wo Ai Ne." She then began reading.
Akane turned to Evan and frowned. "Evan. Why are we both naked. And why is _she_ here."
"Well... I kinda got engaged to her via an ass kicking I dealt her yesterday.... Past that I can't
remember.... _way_ to much beer." Evan said with more emphasis than necessary.
Josh frowned as he walked into the apartment. "Well... they started the orgy without us."
WHACK!
"I deserved that." He said as he rubbed his near swollen right rib. "You gotta pick a new target.... So...
way to go Evan. You finally banged Akane."
Akane frowned at Josh. "I Don't want to see you, you PERVERT!!!"
"STOP CALLING PEOPLE PERVERT NAKED WOMAN!!!" Evan screamed at her.
Akane stopped, looked down at her utter nakedness and blushed a shade of red that shouldn't be
natural.
Josh then noticed the nakd Shampoo with the reading glasses on the chair nearby. "I...am...
going...eat...poo" She stated.
"No, no, it's I'm going to GO poo." Evan corrected. "I had trouble with that one too."
Josh then balked... "You... had...a ............threesome?" A tear ran down his cheek and he sniffled
slightly. "Lucky." He muttered before getting a ribshot again by his fiance.
Akane's face returned to normal and she grabbed the nearest object, which happened to be a chair,
and hurled it at Evan who took it square to the face. He remained stable for a second and then tilted
over and collapsed on the floor in a pile of Evan. Shampoo caught sight of this and reverted to her true
dialogue. "YOU I KILL!!!" She screamed as she lunged at Akane with the book held as a weapon of
mass paper cuts.
Akane didn't have a chance. Josh then bamfed from his place at the door and inbetween the two
woman putting his hands out to stop the attack. "STOP IT!! Let's just try and remember what
happened last night and we can settle it!" He stated with one hand on each of the girl's
breasts.{purposely?}
SQUUEEZY squeezy!
Josh was suddenly hit in the same spot three time by three fists.
Evan got up, seeming unfazed. "Good one Josh."
Josh just smiled from his place on the floor holding his ribs in pain while tears poured from his eyes. "It
was worth it!" Ranma then frowned and started pulling Josh away by his leg, leaving the naked
couple+1 alone.
"Pervert." She muttered as she dragged him.
"So.... we're naked...." Evan started.
Akane frowned and Shampoo searched the room for weaponry.
"Yup... pretty damn naked if you ask me."
Akane's frown grew ten-fold and Shampoo found a stick.
"Hey..... what are you doing with twiggy?..... yup... naked..... should do some thing.... naked...."
Shampoo gave twiggy a test swing and glared at Akane. Akane glared back and her frown seemed to
possess her whole face and part of her neck.
"That's a big.... naked frown."
"SHUT UP!!!" Both women screamed. Evan sat down and grumbled as he somehow found a
cheeseburger with a hole in the middle and threw it out the window.
Shortly after a "yippee!" could be heard out in the street.
"Okay." Akane said starting to pull her sweater on.
"No don't get un-naked!!!" Evan started in desperation.
Instant brick to the face syndrome ensued.
"Anyway!!" Akane started again. "Let's think... I was at the bar..."
"And Shampoo was hunting Airen." Shampoo continued.
"I went to the bar to escape Shampoo." Evan added on. His speech rewarded by more pain, as
thumping and moaning sounds began in the nearby bedroom. Evan held his head. "Oh the torment! That
bastard always gets laid and I never get any!!!"
More pain.
"Shampoo find Airen at dark place with smelly air." Shampoo added.
"The bar." Akane corrected.
"Ok! I got it! I gave Shampoo moonshine to calm her down and she went nuts! She raped me!
RAPED ME ON THE SPOT!!! ... well she dragged me back her, and you came along after like a
keg... and we all got nekad and screwed like wild monkeys.... at least that's my interpretation."
Pain 3: The unconscious
"Evan's really nice when he's drunk." Akane stated. "He probably offered to let you stay here at his
apartment while you were so messed up. Then..."
"Shampoo take advantage of both Airen and Violent girl?" Shampoo interpreted.
"WHAT!?!?" Akane screamed. "NO WAY!!! That pervert probably took advantage of us both while
we were intoxicated!!"
Shampoo picked up the Japanese book and started looking up intoxicated."
Akane sighed and held her stomach. "Whatever the case... we're probably both pregnant now." She
stated sadly. "We're too young."
Shampoo stopped searching for the big word and started looking up pregnant.
Akane just sighed and started eating from the plate of nachos that Chii was holding.
"Chii?" The little persocon questioned.
**************
Evan woke up three hours later in his bed with an ice pack on his head. "That friggin hurt." He muttered
as he sat up and let the ice pack slide down and into his lap. "Where the hell am I.... oh... here..." Evan
then noticed Shampoo standing over the bed, looking him over carefully.
"Airen get Shampoo pregnant?" She asked.
Evan's brain stopped functioning for a second. "Gaaah?" He questioned.
"What wrong is?" Shampoo asked in general concern.
Evan clicked back to reality. "Huh... oh.. Nothing... what were you saying?"
"Airen get Shampoo pregnant?" Shampoo repeated.
"I dunno... I hope not.... I mean It's kinda early in the relationship for little kids." Evan said, hoping
Shampoo, and Akane for that matter, were not pregnant. "You're just overreacting. It's a shot in hell
that I could get you pregnant on the first try."
Shampoo nodded. "So no pregnant?"
Evan shrugged back. "Hope not."
"Why not hope? You Airen. Shampoo supposed to be pregnant." Shampoo stated.
Evan blinked. "That's a bit old fashioned Shampoo. Sides we're not even married."
Shampoo stopped and started to look up some words in her dictionary. "Fa...shion."
"Yup.. Now put it together."
"Fashion."
"There you go. So what got you thinking about pregnancy." Evan asked.
"Slow Airen. Shampoo not great so good at Japan speak." Shampoo said with a smile.
"Sorry.... What is making you think about pregnancy?" Evan asked, slowing down how fast he was
speaking so Shampoo could comprehend.
"Violent Girl said Shampoo and Violent Girl both pregnant probably." Shampoo said.
"Oh... Akane's just being negative... she does that a lot." Evan said, waving it off.
Shampoo nodded. Stopped and started looking threw her dictionary. "Nega...tive."
"Together."
"Negative."
"Good."
"Shampoo not like Japan speak. Airen learn Chinese?" Shampoo offered.
"Umm... I don't know If I can learn things like I used to." (Flashback to how Evan learned Japanese.)
Evan said, thinking back to his earlier days of incredible genius and magic wielding.
"What Airen mean?" Shampoo asked.
"I learnt Japanese in like five seconds... I do know a little very broken Chinese... but it's horrible cause
back then I didn't care." Evan paused. "But this is just a dream right... so it doesn't matter." Evan said,
ignoring reality like a pro.
"Slow."
"I know little Chinese." Evan simplified.
"Speak for Shampoo." Shampoo said, with love in her eyes.
Evan switched to Chinese. "I no speak no good Chinese."
Shampoo laughed and clapped her hands together. "You are pretty good for a beginner." She said in
flawless Chinese.
"Slow... I no speak no good." Evan said.
Shampoo laughed again. "Sorry husband." She said slowly.
"Thank. You."
"Together."
"Thank you."
"Good."
"I have much... learning to do." Evan said with a lopsided grin.
Shampoo smiled. "I'll teach you Evan."
"Wow... you no call I husband." Evan said in true amazement.
"I don't like Japanese because it makes me sound like a psychopath." Shampoo said pulling up a
nearby chair and sitting down.
Evan leaned back in bed and continued to grin. "Cause you no know language good. I sound like
psycho...path....."
"Together."
"Psychopath."
"Good... And you sound fine, not at all insane... well a little insane." Shampoo said with a laugh.
Evan reached for the dictionary which Shampoo put into his hand. He flipped through it until he found
what looked like what Shampoo had said. "Insane." He said in Japanese. He switched back to
Chinese. "Maybe I does sound bit insane."
"Do."
"Huh?"
"Maybe you do sound a bit insane."
"Maybe I does."
"No... say what I said."
"Maybe I do sound a bit insane?" Evan questioned.
"Very good husband." Shampoo said as she reached over and hugged Evan, sliding herself onto the
bed in the same action.
"Thank you." Evan replied, not pressing the matter that Shampoo was now fully under the covers with
him.
"We should sleep now.. You need your rest." Shampoo said with a bit of worry ringing in her voice.
Evan nodded and Shampoo kissed him on the forehead as the pair fell asleep.
***********
An hour later Steve Dave walked into the apartment. He grunted and took off his Azrael helmet,
walked into the kitchen and washed his face in the sink. "This has been one fucked up couple of days."
He commented.
"Chii?"
"Huh?" Steve Dave turned around and spotted the lifelike persocon standing in the doorway to the
livingroom. "Oh... It's you... should of figured." He shrugged it off and opened the fridge. Steve Dave
grabbed a beer and popped the top off with one of his gauntlets claws. He yawned and walked past
Chii and into the living room where he collapsed on the couch. "This armor is way to friggin heavy." He
commented as he groped around the couch area for the remote. When he found it he flicked on the
television. "What is this? It's all Japanese, I can't understand a friggin word." He turned it off and laid
down on the couch. He swigged his beer and burped. "Hell it ain't all bad here. I don't have to work
cause of Evan's job. He keeps the fridge stocked with beer. Lot's of great munchies. All I'm missing is
video games... which disturbs me... Evan should be loaded with games due to his salary. And he
doesn't even got a very good TV... just a ratty cheap one." Steve Dave shook his head. *I should get a
job and buy video games or something. It's a need.* Steve Dave nodded and finished off his beer in
one gulp. He then set the bottle down on the couch and got up and grabbed his helmet from the kitchen
*First I should get some clothing that fits, cause this armor would not look good in an interview
setting.* He nodded to himself and walked out the front door and towards the outside world.
An hour and a half latter Steve Dave was still wearing his Azrael armor and was getting some odd
looks from the locals.
"Must be one of those Cosplayers" Most of them said, unbeknownst to Steve Dave, and then they
shrugged it off.
*This is crap.. I can't even read the street signs. There is like no English anywhere, and where there is
its some sort of tourist attraction. Pure crap.* Steve Dave said swinging randomly and rending four
claw marks in a nearby building. *But hell I can, just go off and do whatever I want... I've got crazy
power armor stuff.... I could like... become a super villain or something.* He grinned underneath his
helmet. *That might be fun.. Sides.. Evan says its just a dream anyway... but wait.. How would he be in
my dream and me in his dream? Oh well... dreams are weird.*
With that Steve Dave went off on his reign of terror. His first stop was a convenience store.
He strutted into the nearest Ultra Fast Stop and pushed the doors open, his claws scratching the glass
and making a nails on chalkboard sound that got the cashier's attention. The cashier scanned the store
and noted that he and the armor bound freak who scratched the door were the only ones inside. He
reached down under the counter and grabbed the 9mm pistol the owner always kept under the counter
and moved it to a more accessible area, namely his pocket. Steve Dave grinned and walked up to the
cashier and pointed at the cash register and then to a plastic bag , and then to the cashier's clothes. The
cashier didn't know what to do. He pulled out the 9mm and emptied the clip at the armored stranger.
They ricocheted harmlessly off the large imposing man. Steve Dave laughed. *This is so easy, nothing
can hurt me in this armor!!* With that he ripped the cash register off the counter. *And it gives me
super strength to boot. Sweet!* He then walked out the door
And thus began Steve Dave's downward spiral to the dark side.
**************
Josh smiled as he walked out of the bedroom with just a pair of pants on and walked to the kitchen.
Moments later he was distracted by a knock on the front door. He ignored his hunger for a moment
and dragged his blue body to the door to answer it, now carrying a persocon that had latched herself to
his side upon exiting the bedroom. "Nyello." Josh said to the newcomer who stood there. "Can I help
you?"
"Uh hi... I'm the new tenant. Hideki. I was told by Hibiya-san that I could come down here to get my
key for my new room." The boy asked. He looked to be about 18 or so and wore simple clothing
without large brand names on it. The boy then stopped and then freaked out. "AHHH!!! YOU'VE
GOT BLUE SKIN!!" He screamed.
Josh looked down at himself and smirked. "Yeah... so?"
"Wh... and pointy ears!"
"Look Hideki... noone cares. I got blue skin get over it. I'll get you your key alright? Now settle down,
reattach your jaw and wait here." Josh then pried the persocon off of himself and went to Evan's room
to go find the room key.
Hideki stood there dumbly and then noticed the persocon there. Who was wearing nothing but a red
Chinese shirt (courtesyt of Ranma.) "AH!! INDECENT!!" Hideki did a double take and then looked at
the ears on the side of her head. "Oh it's a persocon. They sure are lifelike."
"Chii." The persocon said tilting her head to the side slightly.
"Is that your name?" Hideki asked.
"Chii?"
Just then Josh came back and gave Hideki a key. "Here. Now go home."
Hideki nodded his thanks. "Thank you... which room is mine?"
Just then Chii's eyes went crazy go nuts and she started making computer like sounds as Josh gave his
answer to The new guy. "You're in room 105." Hideki nodded and walked away. Josh then looked
down at Chii curiously. "Hmmm. What the hell was that?" He wondered. "I'll have to ask that Expert
when I go to see him."
Josh shrugged, closed the door and then went back to Evan's room to tell him that they have a new
tenant.
Evan groaned as light was slowly let into his room. He hissed and shriveled back as Josh flashed a
flashlight in Evan's eyes. "Bastard! We'll kill you my precious!" He said, reverting to a golem-like state.
Josh grinned. He always got a kick out of waking Evan up, he was so over dramatic. "We got a new
tenant."
"Tenant precious? Mmmm.... precious tenant.... what is in his pocketsies? Hmm?" Evan questioned,
curling around Shampoo.
"Just stop that... and how did you get Shampoo back into bed with you?" Josh asked.
"I'm her Airen... or husband. Sorta." Evan said shrugged. "I really don't know... this is the first night I
didn't go to bed drunk in like .... I DON'T EVEN WANT THINK ABOUT IT!!!"
"Riiight." Josh said nodding. "Allow me to explain why you're now engaged to her in less than a minute.
Her laws are fucked up in her tribe, if you beat her up and you're a dude, you have to marry her."
"Sweet.. I've gotta start kicking more girl ass." Evan said, pumping one fist in the air.
"Probably not a great idea."
"And why not? Jealous of my women beating skills?"
Josh rolled his eyes and stood up. "Yeah. Real jealous. Anyway I have to go... I still have to go to that
university thing. I mean... might as well. Right? Cause... y'know."
"Yeah... not everyone can kill people for a living like me... Sucker!" Evan said with a grin.
Josh shrugged and turned towards the door. "Yeah well at least Doctors are well respected... and I still
get paid a shit load."
"HEY!! I'm Respected! You saw those people who held the Tendos hostage! They respected me!
Respected and feared... but respected none the less!" Evan said raising his voice.
Shampoo yawned slightly and opened her eyes. "What are you talking about husband?" She asked in
Chinese.
"Dumb man try get job as healer man. I make fun of." Evan replied in broken Chinese.
Josh, who had spent time to learn more of the language than Evan shook his head. "Evan I know what
you is saying in China speak."
Evan switched back to Japanese. "Yeah well... shut up!!"
"Meh... I'm leaving for school." Josh said, also in Japanese.
"BRING HOME BEER!!!" Evan screamed after his friend.
"NO!!" At that Josh attempted to slam the doorbut was stopped by Ranma girl type who was glaring at
him. "Uh oh. What'd I do?"
Ranma latched her arm around Josh's and pulled him towards the bedroom. "Come get dressed, then
take me with you. Furinkan's on the way to the university."
"Oh is that all?" Josh asked with relief. "Okay. Sure no problem sweety."
Ranma smiled pleasantly at the pet name and once Josh had clothes on she walked with him towards
the university. "So glad you see it my way Ham-Ham." She grinned at the bad nickname.
"Oh god! Nabiki told you about that?" He asked, covering his face in shame.
Ranma gigled and latched onto his arm excitedly. "I think it's cute. Hamahiro Hamamohotomo."
Josh looked thoughtful. "No I think it was Hamahahamamoto."
"Hamamahoro?"
"Hamamahamoto?"
They continued to try and pronounce Josh's fake I.D. name for the rest of the trip there.
******************
Stve Dave smiled as he walked back into the apartment with about seven cash registers. He then set
them down on the coffee(beer) table and started smashing them open. "Money money money, game,
games , video games" he began to sing out loud in his horrible unrelentingly nails on chalkboard singing
voice.
Just then a brick, the one Akane left there, impacted with Steve Dave's jaw. It didn't hurt but it made a
loud sound. "OW!" He whined.
"Man... don't sing." Evan demanded as he walked out of his bedroom holding hands with his new
fiancé, who somehow didn't mind being engaged to him.
"Oh hey Evan. I noticed you didn't have any video games so I picked up a few cash registers so I
could buy some." He said motioning towards the table that was now strewn with broken stuff. He then
noticed that Evan was holding hands with some hot purple haired chick. "Hey What's up with the
woman? I thought you were going out with slutty Mc. slut slut-tastic." He asked his alternate reality best
friend.
Evan shrugged. "Meh, dreams a dream, might as well make it a wet one."
Steve Dave nodded and looked thoughtful. "Oh hey I was thinking earlier. You say that all this is a
dream right?"
"Yeah cause it has to be."
"Right" Steve Dave continued. "So if you're dreaming. How am I in your dream unless we're both
having the exact same dream and we're all in each other's dreams." He said as he pulled off his helmet.
Evan just stood there... being ever so silent... the silentest he'd ever been as the crushing reality that he
was, indeed, in reality.
TBC
******************
Author's notes: {Yes... it's true. All this time in SI Evan thought he was dreaming. God is that just
messed up or what?"
Shampoo: {what?}
{Fuck off!! Author's notes are for the authors. Anywho... Ranma still hasn't given any lessons, Steve
Dave seems to be in there just because he asked us to put him in the story and I have a hurt hand..... I
won't tell you why. Now for Evan.}
(Yup... SD is facing the Paul syndrome... now we need to visit Resident Evil again.... oh well, killing
zombies would be fun.... so um... yeah... me thinking I was dreaming explains a bunch don't it? I mean
all that drinking, killing, drinking and doing other stuff.... like killing... and stuff. Anywho.. I got
nothing.... so.. Um... bye.)
Morden Night: mordennight@hotmail.com
http://mordennight.tripod.com
Agasaki Ishano: evanthewanderer@hotmail.com
http://I'mhavingsexwithShampooANDAkaneandyou'renot.com