Disclaimer: YuYu Hakusho is copyrighted and belongs to its creator, Togashi Yoshihiro.
Author's Note: Okay, I have something important to say, and it concerns Yusuke and Kurama…
I know that I have it where the two had done something terrible in their past lives (well, Yusuke's anyway), but like all people, we learn from our mistakes (Yusuke's past self had feelings for Kaguya, and being that he was a demon… Back then, demons behaved and regarded circumstances much differently than they do now). What I am trying to say is, is that Yusuke and Kurama are by NO means evil. No. They are not evil, in fact, they are THE GOOD GUYS in this story. However, this story is NOT about them.
Thank you and enjoy the story!
Genre: Supernatural, fantasy, humor, horror, and not so much general. It is also an AU, an "alternate Universe" for the setting.
Rating: Mature…for obvious reasons.
[The High Wire Escape Artist]
Quit comparing me with that chump! Him and I have NOTHING in common. NOTHING.
That man has more than a million cracks at life for him to take a stab at. Everything was set at his feet. Everything that he has now has been given to him freely.
Me, I just have one shot, one opportunity to seize all that I ever wanted. That's it. Success is my only option, failure is not. I've tried so hard, all my life… Been chewed up and spitted out. I can't afford to fuck up.
I live in reality! He doesn't!
Life has been kind to him, while life for me has been stagnant, …ever living in this eternal hell…
You don't know how it feels… To hear the crowd boo so loud. Jeering at you, no one else.
I've had my heart almost ripped from out of my chest, for a man who threw it all away for fame in the end.
(He threw it away, all away... A sign that served him well... I was not alive inside, but I surely did faked it...)
It's a crime, not that it haunts his conscience any... Because it doesn't.
While he's living in a castle, all prim and pretty…
I've been living in a broken down apartment, a filthy, rat and roach infested hole in the wall.
(Being a police officer, I'm paid minimum wage. Overworked, not paid by the hour, but by salary. And my schooling is being paid by loan. Always on the brink of post mortem here.)
Everyone always assumes that I came from a well off family. Well, I don't! I come from a broken home, filled with broken dreams and nightmares for memories, and a dysfunctional family that made it all possible!
However...
If it wasn't for my sister back then, I wouldn't even have clothes that I had on my own back. She made the money, and only bits and pieces that money did she give me when I fulfilled the chores around the apartment!
AND she was the one who raised me, took care of me as a surrogate mother, which ultimately lead her to can her dreams...
If you've ever wondered why she can be so damn cold and callous, despite her cool as a cucumber attitude for life... Well, there you go.
And all of this was going on… While my mother put up with an abusive son-ova-bitch for a husband, who did nothing but mope around once he walked in through that goddamn door, drunker than ten Indians and madder than a hatter, blaming me for everything!
She didn't even want to walk into the light of day, afraid that someone might question her for the bruises.
I, on the other hand, had gotten used to it… Sucked it up, grinned and bared it. …Which is why I took most of the lashes and flogging for her, until she finally summoned up the courage to finalize their relationship by getting a divorce…
It couldn't come soon enough, in my books. It had taken far too long.
There was no point in me fighting back, however. That madman would have gotten a gun and shot us all. I couldn't have that. I had to take it for everyone. I had to take the threats and the beatings.
My mother was a good woman, though not a good mother; she lacked such parental skills. She wasn't like Atsuko. She didn't have anybody to run to, no one but Shizuru and me, which ultimately did her no good.
Then that other man entered her life, all of a sudden reappearing from her distant past, with all the precise timing…
And he expects me to call him 'father'? Where was he when she needed him most? What gives him the right to tell me what to do or how to live my life? And I suppose he tried to make things up by helping that dickhead talk Yukina into living with us?
He says that I'm a good kid, but I say he's a suck up!
I'd like to smack those sunglasses off his face and step on them; literally crush them beneath my boot!
I don't care if he's my sis's biological pop… I could care less, because it doesn't change anything for me…
That old man is NOT my father.
I can't pretend that everything is all just fine and dandy. Not anymore.
As for Yusuke…
I once bowed to him, because he was stronger than me, and because it was the honorable thing to do.
But by doing so, I handed over what was mine. I threw away so much, yet lost it all in the end.
My friends… My true friends…
…My soul family…
They are all gone.
They all died, buried, and taken away from me.
My importance became minuscule, overcame by the reality that I was a popper, not the prince I hoped or longed to be.
I knew every punk and homebody by name, while he held his head high and refused to recognize who was who… Because he was too good, too hot to trot. I've been nothing but a joke to him, a loser, which is why he left me to choke in the fire.
Not that he knew, because that man never knew what the fuck he was doing. Never once considered anything before making a step, never looking before he leapt. He just barges in without a clue, without bearing in mind the consequences, all headstrong and impulsive. And yet he thinks he's the headcheese, the top dog of society.
It was Yusuke. It was all about him. It's always been about him!
And what did he have? What was his excuse to live the life he once did?
A mother who chose to be drunk, who chose to live that sordid way of life, and a father whom he hated all because he didn't like getting spankings as a kid.
...That whiner...he's just a selfish, punk kid trapped inside the body of a man...correction, half-man...
(He's no different than the kids who take their parents for granted. A whole lot of them are from good families, too.)
And the reason why she divorced the man was because, like her selfish brat of a son, she didn't like being told how to live her life… Other than that, he was a decent, hard-working, good man… Too good for her, which was something that she couldn't take.
How do I know this?
She confided in my sister, who then told me.
…Confessing about how life had been so easy for her, letting it all slip through her inebriated lips, that all the money she could ever need was handed to her from pimps; people whom she regarded as her buddies.
And she joked and laughed about it as though it were nothing!
NOTHING!
But unlike that shmoe, that poser, Yusuke…
I didn't get simple spankings or a paddle to the rear, I got the life beaten out of me! Blood, shit, piss, snot, and vomit spewing and oozing from whatever orifice in my body. With fists of fury and a leather belt that seared my back… Because I was WORTHLESS and didn't amount to anything.
I was NOTHING but a bother.
The old man didn't want me around and he made sure that I knew that on a daily basis.
…Receiving blows from Yusuke played no affect upon me, as you can remember. Just a minor reflection of self-affliction, of the masochist that I had became.
All my flaws were always in open season, anyway, for the whole world to pick at.
I took to the streets, because they were the only place I knew… They were my home, with places I could run to… They were my familiarity, my world, my kingdom! I knew the ropes like the back of my hand. It had been since I was a child!
It was either that, or continue being locked up inside a room. And so, I chose the streets...
Living as an old saying goes: Out of their sight, out of their mind.
But while I took to the streets, the rest of my family found other means to escape…
My sister took up smoking, been smoking since she was ten, to relieve herself from stress. And as for my mother… Her good friend "Heroin" was her crutch…
…She's tried to kick the habit, but so far there has not been any success. She's been sent to a rehab three times, and has even sought counseling for emotional trauma…
Then again, she probably has... I haven't checked, nor had Shizuru told me anything concerning her well-being, which leaves me to just assume that nothing has changed.
And the very first home I lived in was a dump. I was raised in the mother fucking projects, in the fucking hood of all place. The home that you all saw was the place where we moved to after my mom had separated from that sadistic psychopath!
…But that was not my home, it had never been.
And yet, I tried so hard, I tried to keep my cool and sustain my honor…
To be a good man and a justly person!
But when it comes right down to it, it all had been shit for me to digest. Not that they would ever permit me to protest against it, not even just a little bit… If I even so much as open my mouth to utter one syllable…
Well, it did me no good. I often found myself on the shit end of the stick, being dealt with blows to the noggin.
I had no choice but to succumb to it all, all to which they threw at me.
And now, it's all coming back…
…With my sister is hiding shit from me…
And I don't think I can do this anymore…
No, not without changing…
I don't think I can continue to run like hell like I've been.
I feel it coming on, breathing down my neck. Something's got to give. Either my life or the way I've been living, my character and who I fought to be, who everyone said I should be.
I don't think I can bow anymore.
And I'm at the end of my rope.
My strength is dwindling. I don't know if I can continue to hold on.
…Sometimes I just feel…
…That I don't belong.
I don't belong here. I don't belong anywhere.
I feel a sudden shift in me, my balance, and I don't even know if I like it.
Nevertheless, I feel trapped, like two dogs inside a cage. Left alone to let all my inner fears tear at me.
I don't know how much more I can take...
...Before I begin slipping, doomed to fall and sink into oblivion.
And everything that I once knew was pieces of a dream, a whisper of what life ought to be...
...All which are shattered memories that time will soon erase...
But there's nothing else for me to lose, except my mind and all the things I thought I wanted...
(It's nothing, really... Just something I need desperately to fade away.)
I'm losing sight, metaphorically speaking.
All I see is red.
I'm not even sure if I believe in anything sacred anymore, either.
Is it any wonder why I'm FUBAR?
I'm ready to drop bombs, and tear this motherfuckin' roof off.
(You best believe someone's gonna pay the pied piper.)
And...
It's times like this, that I wish I had died during the Dark Tournament…instead of lived.
oOo
"These places all I ever think about is lost in time
These faces haunting me
I'm looking back and they are mine
I'm hiding from the things they say
Doing time and lead astray
Thinking back to times of yesterday
I could fly
I'm trying to find a better way
But I'm trapped
Can't get away
All I think is about yesterday
I could fly"
-Korn; "I'm Hiding"
…TBC…
Author's Comments:
This really isn't a chapter. It's really Kazuma's thoughts. Or more like what he would write inside the pages of a diary, if he had one.
KLB: Thank you for your review! I am so glad you like the story so far! I will try to update as much as possible.
Saya: ...Actually, he's mostly Chinese, due to his ancestry. And yes, he's part white. I don't know if you overlooked that or not. What had been stated had been his mother's side of the family.
KM17: ...I wonder what confused you... Was it the use of Alchemy mentioned? Well, as anyone can tell (and if not, here we go), he's contemplating about his mortality.
Thank you all for reading! Please review or leave a comment! I appreciate it immensely!