Consequences

by NotAContrivance

Rocks are turning to sand, hearts are changing hands... Jude's all caught up in a reality show, everyone else's business, and this thing with her and Tom, whatever that is... And then there's Travis to muck it all up. Can you handle the consequences?

38. It Never Happened

Okay, so some reviewer... obviously an idiotic one... Commented that this fic was short and asked why I had so many reviews. snorts What, did you not see the next chapter button? I gotta say that's the first time anyone's ever called my fic short. Especially since, to my knowledge, it's the LONGEST Instant Star fic on the site, as well it should be. I have to say that the notes for that chapter were actually merited though. Since it was the first one and all. But that doesn't upset me. What upsets me is that I've got this huge craving to play all my Pokemon games, but they've decided to be little bitches that won't save. GAH. The save file has been deleted, it says. Well, not because of me. I just tried to turn the damn thing on! And now, as if the deleting everything was bad, they won't save! I don't know if it's the games, the batteries, my Game Boy Advance, or what... I mean, I realize they're kinda old, but I think they're in pretty decent condition. Makes me want to cry. If I have to restart the game one more time I'm gonna flip my lid. sigh So, if anyone knows how to fix this (and it works!), I will lavish rewards upon you like a king. And possibly love you forever.

Now, aside from that, I sense complaints forming. Already. As for whether Jude's OOC in this chapter, or you just don't understand why she's doing it... She tries to explain as best as she can. Also, she's not OOC, since she's done what she does in this chapter many times with Tommy in many various forms, including in "Minor Liaison" and "Liar Liar". Blame it on Now, Voyager, too... I saw the other night, and so that kind of reminds me of this chapter.

Lol, I just realized that this chapter varies greatly from my notes. In my notes (shut up! Yes, I really do have notes! They're kind of a necessity for a story this long so I can keep all my ideas straight), Tommy is vicious, Sadie runs out, and then Jude tells him off. Huh, weird. Oh, randomly, I was also looking up Canadian slang, so now I'm gonna try and include more of it in the fic, not counting this chapter, really, 'cause I'm too lazy to insert stuff.

Also, I own the Canadian Video Music Awards. Or whatever. Since I only invented them and all.

Anyways, the next chapter is the much-awaited Dance Chapter, as I like to call it. It's where you find out once and for all the truth about Travis (gasp!) and expect to see a major Tommy/Travis showdown and more French insults! Yay! Methinks the chapter will be called Walking Contradiction, so also expect to see that song finally show up, for all of you who wanted to see it. Oh, and since it is a Winter Dance, next chapter is also, effectively, the beginning of a series of Holiday-themed chapters. This is not a holiday whim: I've had it planned out for quite some time. The only difference is that I've got specifics now. The New Year's Chapter will also be very important, so keep an eye out for it, and expect the true Christmas chapter to be full of cheer and cuteness and whatnot. I'm saying this because they might be posted far later than Christmas, so that's a warning.

Oh, I apologize for the crappy ending. Not one of my best. And yeah, it's a pretty dialogue-heavy chapter, but... well, I guess you'll like some of it. Anyways, reviews are greatly appreciated (especially since I'm supposed to hear soon from a college I want to go to if I'm accepted or not, and I'm expecting a rejection... though hope springs eternal), and I hope you enjoy!

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As you know, I ran away last Friday. I was in Roscoe, and I met up with Lily, this completely awesome singer-songwriter. Roscoe's a really nice place to run away to. It's a bit of a drive, but if I really need to get away, Lily said she's fine with letting me crash at her house (which I guess is good, since I can't run to Tommy's place or Chaz', really, not anymore, and Jamie's right next door). She's really cool, has this great band... I helped land them a meeting with Georgia; she had them do a little work with Tommy, and I think she's going to give them a contract. I'm really happy for her. No one deserves it more. I mean, it isn't every girl who would take in a stranger like that.

No one knew where I was, which was a relief. Sure, Mom and Dad and Jamie and Taylor and other people called a lot. Tommy didn't call once.

Not that I care or anything. Or that I counted or screened my calls or anything.

Or waited.

An apology would've been nice. You know, something like... "Chaz was right, Jude. I never realized how lucky I was to have you." Or even... "I'm sorry I called you a whore when you only did it for me." Or since we're dreaming here, something like... "I'm sorry I had sex with Ruby. That was wrong. And I was an ass. But I love you."

Ha, I wish!

Oh, right, I don't have to lie to you. Okay, I care, but surprisingly less than I thought I would. It's amazing how easy it is not to think about him and not to care about him when I know he doesn't give a damn about me. It's like... why waste my time, you know? Taylor does care, though. He got a week off filming, and so we've spent every day of the last week together. And once I forcibly banished Tommy from my mind, I found out that once he got past his awkwardness (which I've come to learn exists only around girls he really likes... or me, at any rate), he's really an okay guy. Oh, and you know, if I don't mention Tommy or kiss him (Taylor, not Tommy. I haven't gone near Tommy in a week), then he's really the perfect boyfriend. Almost. Luckily very little brings me to mention Tommy these days.

Mom and Dad grounded me when I got back Sunday afternoon, but as usual, their grounding didn't work. Hence why I've been out with Taylor every day of the week. I'm trying to teach him how to kiss better, but it's not exactly working like I hoped it would. Sometimes I honestly wonder how Kathryn Mansfield stands it. I mean, she's had some of the best-looking, most experienced men in the world. She must be a very, very good actress then. If Taylor wasn't so cute, I swear I'd dump him. Or, well, I'd consider it. But he has this tendency of being really sweet, even if he doesn't have a romantic bone in his body.

That sounds like a paradox, but no matter what I do, there really isn't that spark with Taylor. I could see myself genuinely falling in love with him and everything because he's fundamentally a nice guy and all... if I let myself... but it wouldn't be quite the same. Never one iota like anything I will ever feel for his brother, not desperate or demanding or really even that jealous. I know it's not fair, but I can't help that. It's almost like how I see Chaz and Mason (although after seeing Chaz like that, it scares me now. Sometimes I fail to realize that the men I know are really full-bodied, red-blooded men, not just boys playing at it, and they have all these needs I can't even begin to comprehend). And what is love without passion?

I'm attracted to him for sure, but not in that bestial, all-consuming way. And that's really the only way I know how, you know? It's been so long I've forgotten anything less and anything simpler. That's how it is with Tommy... and, ugh, Travis. I was even attracted to Shay more! And, for all his immaturity, Speed is a very good kisser (we're scarily compatible, really). But I just can't think of Taylor in a remotely sexual way. There's no wanting to jump him, and he doesn't keep me up late at night. Makes me almost think that if I was somehow able to mesh him and Travis together I'd have the perfect guy. Not that I think of Travis romantically. Generally, I try and avoid thinking of him, but he has that animal impulse Taylor doesn't.

Although Tommy kind of sounds like a mix between them, with a little extra something thrown in... And Tommy almost is the perfect guy. Almost. You know, if a mixture between them wasn't Frankenstein. It could be, you know, with Taylor's SUPER jealousy and awkwardness and Travis' super hatred, lust for revenge, rage, and lack of respect for personal space. A monster, really.

Let's see... Ruby's been staying at my house for the past week. My parents love her; they've practically adopted her, really. I don't mind. She's been staying in the guest room, and we get along now. She's still really broken up about Chaz, so we've all been trying to cheer her up. She's just so lonely, though. The reason she came in town in the first place was because the anniversary of Charlotte's... well, you know... is coming up. She misses her a lot. Charlotte would've been almost four or five years old now.

Anyways, I've kind of been avoiding Tommy ever since that whole he-saw-me-almost-having-sex-with-his-best-friend-on-the-floor-of-his-apartment-thing. Because that was, you know, awkward. Even at the studio I'd ducked down hallways to avoid him. I mean, I even came to the studio hours before I usually get there and recorded with Kwest. Not that I recorded much. Just this one song called "Giving Up", obviously about Tommy. Kwest so knew, too. I could tell by the way he raised his eyebrows a little, and then the way he stared after I collapsed in tears after it.

I was making a pretty successful go at the avoidance thing until I ran into him yesterday. His stare was blistering and so black, hateful even. I couldn't stand for five minutes under that glare.

And that's how I wound up crouching down in the corner between the wall and the soundboard. I had originally come in here to retrieve a belonging I'd accidentally left behind, but I'd ducked down here upon noticing that Tommy was on the other side of the glass, tuning his guitar. Kwest came in later, and I didn't dare to leave now. I intended fully to dart out once he was a safe distance far, far away from me and my hiding spot. I'd just been treated to a behind-the-scenes rough version of Tommy's new song. It's this angry punk-rock number called "The Price of Fame". Totally Cobain reminiscent, and who would've thought Quincy had it in him?

I was completely impressed, like in a total groupie kind of way/I-wanna-jump-you sort of thing (which I have never felt towards Tommy, with or without the Boyz), not that I would ever tell him that. After the final take, and there were many... I was hiding there for at least an hour, probably longer. But my point is that I heard them talking. They happened to be talking about a girl. "T, man, you've got Sadie. You're gonna marry Sadie. Shouldn't you lay off the other women?" Ah, Kwest, the voice of reason.

It's just too bad Tommy doesn't listen to reason.

He also does not listen to common sense.

Hi, my name is Common Sense. I have no relation to the "PC" rapper Common.

"Kwest, you do realize who you're talking to, right?" Tommy retorted. I suspected he was rolling his eyes at Kwest, as was I. Dumbass. His name is Trojan for all the sex he gets. Sheesh! Kwest started chuckling, but then he shook his head in a sad way.

"Yeah. Man, why did I even bother? If you wanna do something, you're just gonna do it. It's not like you care what anyone thinks." Yeah, man, you've got that right. I could sense Tommy agreeing wholeheartedly. Kwest, however, possessed more of a conscience than Tommy. He frowned, his lips pursed (I could kinda see Kwest if I tilted my head and squinted). "But seriously, man... You have Sadie. We've been over this before. Sadie is like a Barbie Doll. She's all a man can want. Why cheat on that, Tom?" Kwest asked curiously, clearly not approving of his friend's actions.

I found my respect for Kwest growing. Although the Barbie doll thing kinda threw me and pissed me off. Who does he think he is, talking about my sister like that? Sadie is deeper than that. And equally as annoyingly perfect in every little unrealistic way. But still... That from a happily married man? Even if they can't tell Tommy or her brother?

"Well, Kwest, maybe I don't want a Barbie Doll. Maybe I want something real," Tommy retorted somewhat defensively. He sounded a little too much like a petulant child for my taste, even if he was rejecting the glorified offer of Sexy Sadie. My jaw dropped. Tommy, real? Isn't his type fake blonde, silicon, and artificial as they come?

To my chagrin, Kwest started laughing hysterically. Then he straightened up, clearly noticing that Tommy was not laughing or even smiling. "You were serious?!"He gaped, as disbelieving as I was. I can only assume that Tommy was stiff and shooting Kwest a murderous look. Then again, I wasn't sure he was capable of it either. Kwest paused a moment, giving Tommy a suspicious glance, and leaning back in his chair. "You want Jude,don't you?" Kwest questioned, voice heavy with disapproval. Wow, thanks for that, man.

My breath caught in my throat at the mention of my name as I waited for his answer. I hated the way Kwest said my name, though, in that stupid, thick drawl of his like it was a dirty word. That was stupid of me. Deep down I knew what it was going to be. Tommy doesn't love me. Duh. So obviously the answer would be nein, no, nyet, non, nyeh, nah... and so forth. "No, I don't," Tommy replied a bit stiffly, a bit unconvincingly, really. He'd said he had earlier, but I had no trouble believing him this time when he said he didn't.

Unfortunately for me, Kwest was not convinced so easily. "Oh, come on, Tom! You expect me to believe that? I've known you for years, and I know when you're lying. And I'm not blind. Everyone sees the way you look at that girl, not just me. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see the hungry look in your eyes or the way you preen when she stares at you. Or the way you've been chasing after her lately like lost schoolboy," Kwest countered a bit too ferociously for me. Was he actually arguing IN my favor?

He notices me staring at Tommy? And Tommy preens when I stare at him? Wow. Interesting. I never noticed that. I almost giggled at the schoolboy bit, imagining Tommy chasing me with books in hand, wearing a thin, heavily starched white shirt with a blazer and shorts. Tee hee.

Tommy interrupted Kwest though. The rage was thick in his voice. Obviously Kwest didn't understand. "Shut up, okay. You're blind, and you're wrong about me and Jude. Besides, remember, you never wanted me interested in Jude anyways. And I'm not," Tommy snapped tersely. I was expecting that, but it hurt nonetheless. A lot more than I'd like to admit, really.

Kwest wisely decided to drop the subject. Too late for me, unfortunately. "Sadie doesn't deserve this, man. It was bad enough when you were going after Jude. You at least cared then. Now it's just one random chick after another, and-"

Tommy once again cut into Kwest's speech, this time sounding irate and vaguely offended. "No, Kwest, it's not like that. It's one girl." Kwest gave Tommy a look, and he conceded. "Okay, fine, there have been a lot... But I'm only really into one. She's... great." His voice sounded dreamy, and I hated that it wasn't because of me. "I've never met anyone like her."

Kwest snorted. "Oh, I highly doubt that." I could sense Tommy scowling at him.

"Kwest, this girl's special," Tommy argued, making it clear he thought his friend didn't understand. "I think I'm actually falling for the girl..."

What I wouldn't give for him to say that about me.

Still.

Man, I really hate myself sometimes. Why do I do this to myself? I have Taylor now, and he's great. And, damn it, I'm supposed to hate Tommy, and I do.

But it's just so hard.

Kwest was not amused. Nor did he believe Tom. "Didn't you say that about Jude?" Kwest interjected sharply. I could tell immediately that that one hit below the belt by Tommy's sharp intake of breath. And mine, but no matter that one.

"That was completely different. Besides, I couldn't... even if I wanted to... But my new girl, she gets it. She's all mine, Kwest, or maybe she isn't, but it's just... different. I feel like I can be completely myself around her, and I'm not Little Tommy Q. I don't have the shadow of Boyz Attack! hanging over me. Do you know what a relief that is?" Tommy exclaimed, on the verge of rapture.

I instantaneously hated him for it all the more, finding myself bristling at his words. What, he couldn't be himself around me? I judged him? But only for being a slut. And I rarely ever thought of him as LTQ. I've accepted that part of him, you know. I did a long time ago, and I love him for that too... In spite of it, even. He can't be himself around me? Since when?

Kwest was clearly confused by this strange talk, as was I. He was just less frustrated than me. "Firstly, that makes no sense. Secondly, you're not even sure she's yours. Thirdly, I'm betting that you and this girl barely know each other. But you've got a connection, right? And again I remind you that you said the exact same thing about Jude some time ago. Only difference is that you know her a helluva lot better, and you know that Jude's basically all yours for the taking if you ever feel so inclined. And, finally, I would like to point out that you keep talking about this new woman of yours as a girl. And why would you call her that if you weren't still hung up on Jude?" Kwest pointed out quite sensibly. He almost convinced me that Tommy gave a damn.

And that Kwest actually thought me and Tommy was a good idea. For like two seconds. It was, at best, a very necessary counter-claim. Still, I resented his implication that Tommy could have me whenever he wanted or tried to. It made me feel like a sleazy whore, the kind everyone thought I was. Plus it was a lie. I'd pushed him away, damn it! He hadn't yet ripped me from his brother's arms! All in all, he made a good case.

Too bad it wasn't tr...

Obviously all of this, or at least part of it was true, as Tommy refrained from speaking at first. It didn't make sense, and he wasn't sure she was his, and they did barely know each other. But still, there was a connection, and he had said that about me, and he did know I was his. The last two sentences... not quite so true. "I'm not hung up on anyone," Tommy sniffed irritably. He sounded like a petulant child, and, much like a petulant child, he stormed out afterwards. Kwest exhaled heavily and followed him, and then I was blissfully alone.

For about two seconds.

No, really, what I actually did was get up, stretch (I was horribly sore from all the crouching), look for my belonging... Apparently Tommy (or someone else or the janitor) had taken it, and I would have to retrieve it at a later date... and then I left abruptly. After all, I had to go home and do homework, then go to the Canadian Music Video Awards with Tommy.

Okay, not actually with Tommy; I'm going with Taylor and Tommy's going with Sadie. Technicality. He's going because we're co-stars in my video, so we're up for Best Collaboration but he's also there to present the award for Best Choreography with the rest of Boyz Attack!. I'm up for Single of the Year... It's either for "Too Sexy Sadie" or "Minor Liaison". And then one for Best New Artist, of course.

I'll skip over the fascinating details of doing my homework in favor of the actual juicy gossip. After all, an awards ceremony is a big deal.

Portia got me this immodest, sinfully red designer frock. The kind I most certainly would never wear. Willingly. Not that I didn't look fabulous in it, of course. It was accompanied by a smirk and a coy wink along with an unnecessary sly comment about the effect it would have on Tommy. It's made of this filmy, gauzy fabric, and it's got these sparkles all over it. I'm not too crazy about the taffeta or the sparkles. It ends a couple inches above the knees, and it's almost scandalously low-cut. Basically, it's a bunch of things that shouldn't go together pieced together, including some fringe. Still looks fantastic, of course.

She also hooked me up with these killer high heels. Literally, they will kill my feet. But she worked a lot of make-up magic on me, so now I look completely different. My hair's up in this crazy style, but I look hot and kinda trampy, yet also fabulous, which is Portia's point. I think she expects Tommy to take one look at me and take me against a wall. As if.

A girl can still dream, though.

Since Dear Portia was already at the house for me, she helped Sadie a bit with her make-up and such. She'd secured her a pretty dress too, quite possibly Sadie's dream dress. Sadie was wearing this absolutely lovely mid-length halter dress in cream-colored silk. It had pearl embellishments. Like a good stylist, Portia was gone only ten minutes before the boys came to pick us up. They came in a limo, which was clichéd enough as it was. Taylor was outfitted in a curiously lime green suit. The shirt he wore underneath was emerald in color. As if that wasn't bad enough, his hair was slicked back. It only served to make him look greasy, not All-American.

I saw him and grimaced. He was painful to look at. Taylor didn't notice, but I saw Tommy smirk. As for Sadie, well, she was as horrified as I was. In fact, she pulled me aside with a warning, "If you plan on keeping the boy, never let him dress himself again." I agreed with her wordlessly and was about to tell her that I didn't plan on keeping him, but then I remembered myself.

He looked like a giant shrub, and together, I knew, we'd look like we dressed for Christmas. Which was a little too couple-y and cutesy and tacky as hell for me. Plus we didn't match at all! I guess that just shows how opposite we are, or maybe just how much he wanted to stick it to Tommy. Tommy hates, hates, HATES green, much less screaming green like Taylor was wearing. He looked like a damn lightpost.

Actually, I take that back. He looked radioactive. So radioactive that I feared for my life. In fact, the blinding color of his suit burned my eyes. I swear, I think his suit glowed in the dark. And I didn't want a damn flashlight for a date.

Tommy, on the other hand, was wearing a cool navy suit that complimented Sadie's ice blue dress. His hair was perfect. He looked good, and he knew it, all right. I could tell from the smug look on his face.

Oh, I forgot to say that I was wearing Tommy's earrings, since, after all, I'd earned them fair and square. I haven't taken them off since he gave them to me. A lot of that is 'cause I love them, and about half of it is the fact that I can't really take them off. Not because I want to get robbed. It's hard. Plus I'm wearing them as a sort of vicious reminder.

If Tommy noticed, he hadn't said a word about them, not even now.

I envied Sadie for a moment, not because her date was Tommy... but because her date was appropriate and polite and decent and had taste. Unlike Sadie, I did not kiss my date hello. I barely even touched him, no matter how much that disappointed him. Truthfully, I was vaguely ashamed to be seen with him. I can only imagine what the press will say. They'll say I went from one Quincy to another and that I picked the wrong one. Which is true, only I was never with Tommy.

So I faked a couple smiles and got in the car with the rest of them. I wound up sandwiched between the door and Taylor. A rock and a harder place, I'm afraid. It was real comfortable, getting slammed against the door so much. I'm gonna have bruises, and not even the fun kind. Taylor kept chattering nervously the whole way there, which only served to give me a headache. I don't think I heard one damn word he said to me. Not that it mattered. Tommy whispered over my head that it was the kid's first awards show. I nodded like I understood, but it was my first one too! And it wasn't like Taylor was even up for anything! All he had to do was be my date, and he wasn't even up for that!

We got there real early. The red carpet wasn't even said up. I suppose that was for the best, too, seeing as we all would've caused quite a scandal. Like WifeSwap, only with siblings instead. Seriously, we could be guests on Jerry Springer. I can just see it now: "So, Tommy... You're engaged to Sadie, but you've been going after her sister... Jude... behind her back? Even though you're her boss and she's dating your kid brother, Taylor?" What a show that'd be. Sibling Snatchers.

So this random girl came up to me at school yesterday and started asking me about my sex life with Tommy, which is unfortunately nonexistent, and she had all of these crazy ideas. Like she thought that apparently I'm flexible enough to put my legs over his shoulders. Do you know what that is? That's like a 175 degree angle. My legs do not bend that far back. They really don't. Do I look like pretzel woman or something? It only got worse from there. She actually asked me for tips on... "how to please a man". Gag me with a spoon. She seriously thought I was a professional at... um... that. You get the picture, right? I mean, do I look like a porn star or a brainer? Like I said earlier, ew.

Anyways, we all walked inside, and our dates had just gotten situated when one of the coordinators approached me and Tommy. She was a (unfortunately) pretty blue-eyed blonde with hideously fake highlights, and she beamed upon seeing the both of us, but particularly Tommy. I fought the urge to roll my eyes. After all, I'm supposed to be a nice girl. And nice girls aren't mean to strangers. "Tommy Quincy and Jude Harrison, right?" She asked, glancing down at her clipboard. I nodded glumly and glanced momentarily at Tommy. His eyes sparkled, his lips lit up in a smile. I silently hated him for looking so perfect and focusing that ray-of-sunshine-smile on that undeserving wench. The coordinator beamed widely, and I felt disgusted.

"Let me just say right now, I completely adore your work. "Minor Liaison" is so my ringtone!" She exclaimed enthusiastically. I wondered which of us she was talking to, since I was the one with a solo album under my belt... yet she was staring at Tommy and had barely even glanced at me. This time I did roll my eyes, grimacing as she enumerated her love for my least favorite song. Yes, it's even worse than "And I Ran (So Far Away)". Thinking of that, I started humming the song, thinking fondly of Tim. Tommy, I noted, was smiling goodnaturedly and eating the attention up, per usual. And ignoring me, but what else is new?

I envy how he's always so at ease, especially around women. A lot of the time because I envy those women also. For the first time, the producer surprised me by turning to regard me. She managed a smile. "What a lovely dress," She remarked sweetly, making it hard for me to hate her. I thanked her for the compliment, since I was pretty much at a loss for what to do. Grinning mischievously, she nudged me. "So, I saw the music video... One word: hot. And I've been hearing some major buzz around you two lately... And I really think you guys are going to win Most Earthshaking Collaboration," She declared brightly. I nodded excitedly and forced a smile.

Then, of course, came the obligatory girltalk. By which I mean the questions about Tommy in the sack. As in how he is. Fantastic, of course, not that I know. She turned back to me again with a conspiratorial smile. "So, Jude," She whispered so that Tommy couldn't hear (the bastard, however, knew full-well we were talking about him), "Was it exactly as good as it looked?" She meant off-screen. That, I thought, was quite the loaded question.

I tried to smile, but it was more than awkward. "Um... sure," I muttered unimpressively. The producer didn't look satisfied with that. "As many times as people ask me how Tommy is in bed, I never can quite find an answer. There are just no ways to measure his... skill. Besides, I find that qualifying the act by judging it cheapens the moment and memories... and the love, of course," I remarked endearingly but also, notably, loud enough so that Tommy could hear it. However, I whispered the last part so that he couldn't hear. I realized full well that that made it sound exactly like I'd had sex with him. I didn't care. What the hell was I supposed to say? "Well, actually, I wouldn't know. Tommy and I have never done the nasty... at least, not together." Of course I couldn't say that. She wanted juicy details, not the cold truth. My statement seemed to perk the woman up a bit, so she leaned in once more to question me. Probably more details. Oh, the joy! More lies! Heavens above! She's going to ask for tips next!

Fortunately, she didn't ask anything half as vulgar as that. "Really, Jude... And I'm only asking this because everyone else will... Are you and Tommy anything serious?" I forced myself not to roll my eyes. My ass. You're asking because you're curious and want to know if he's available. I plastered a smile on my face. It was, however, an icy one. Not that she could tell.

That stung a little, the question. "Oh, you must be mistaken..." At this point, I glanced down at her nametag. "...Kristen. There's absolutely nothing between Tommy and me. The cameras are, I'm afraid, quite deceiving on that point," I replied frostily, shooting Tommy a glare. "Everyone knows Tommy's not one for commitment of any sort. He's like a condom. You use him once in the heat of the moment, get him all dirty, and then you throw him away." I actually meant to say that he was a screw and run kind of guy, only good for one-night stands and the like. What came out was much cruder. Ew. Kristen, however, looked only excited. My glare and crude comments went completely over her head. She glanced over at Tommy, beaming widely.

"So he's single, then?" She chirped excitedly, loud enough so that Tommy heard and smirked. Very single, I thought, in his mind... but only in his mind. Maybe too single. I fought down the grin that threatening to form on my face at the thought of breaking her bubble.

I shook my head abruptly. "No, no! Tommy's quite taken." Her face fell a little, but still, she sent me a questioning glance, asking silently whether it was serious. Poor girl. I found Sadie in the seating and soon pointed her out. "See that girl?" Kristen nodded. "That's her. My sister and Tommy's fiancée. I warn you not to get between them," I proclaimed wisely. Kristen looked scandalized and raised her eyebrows, surprised that I was giving her that warning. I smiled weakly. Tommy deflated a bit after that, but it was quite necessary.

Then, bored, Kristen unenthusiastically announced that we were to perform. Together. Oh, the joy. And with no choreography or anything. I met Tommy's gaze, and we both silently agreed that we would not be performing "Minor Liaison", like everyone expected and probably wanted. It wasn't fitting, what with Sadie and Taylor and all... And it certainly wasn't proper... Plus there was the music video for that.

Kristen left us and Tommy moved closer to me (albeit stiffly) to discuss the matter. Luckily, I already had a song in mind. It wasn't quite new; in fact, it was a little less than a year old, but no one except me had ever heard it, not even Tommy or my dad. I'd always found it too personal to sing in the past, too personal for Tommy to hear. Maybe it wasn't a wise decision to pick it because as much as I was loathe to admit it, it was still too personal. And maybe it would only confuse things, and it was an inappropriate juncture, and so on... But I really didn't care. It was my way of getting closure, I guess. "I have a song," I said finally. "Don't worry. Just sing along with me during the chorus. It'll be fine. I'll show the band how it goes." I walked off to go do that when suddenly something occurred to me. "Oh. Figure out when we're on, okay?"

I left without any acknowledgment. I walked briskly backstage, hunting down the band. They were practicing, so I could hear them from aways away. I managed my widest smile as I walked into the room, chiming into a rendition of the song they were playing. "I'm addicted to you... Don't you know that you're toxic? And I love what you're doing, but you know that you're toxic!" I interjected brightly. The musicians raised an eyebrow, but hey, they were the ones playing "Toxic" in the first place. You know that it's catchy! I rolled my eyes. "Fine, be like that. I just came in to show you how to play my song," I muttered, feeling vaguely annoyed.

Why is it that nothing seems to be going my way lately? The leader of the musicians (who happened to be the guitarist) snorted and started laughing at me! Naturally, I was furious. Then one of the saner musicians tried to be diplomatic. "Look, Doll, we know your song already. We don't need to know how to play it." Naturally, he failed. Completely and utterly. But he succeeded in pissing me off more. I glowered at the guy, feeling my rage from earlier rising up. Tommy's silent treatment wasn't exactly helping things. God, why can't we just be friends like normal people?!

Oh, hell, even I know the answer to that one. It's 'cause he's a man, and I'm a woman. And he's Tommy freaking Quincy on top of everything! Even I can do that math.

I guess the guy wasn't expecting such a look from me. He thought I was some second-rate pop princess just because my songs got radio-play. He failed to learn that I write all my own songs, and he thinks Tommy defines me. Like everyone else and his mother (everyone's, not just Tommy's). "I'm not doing "Minor Liaison". That song makes me sick. So I'm here to teach you how to play this one," I said a bit too petulantly. Oops. Once again the guitarist (who, I noticed, was smokin' hot) scoffed.

"Why don't you make Tommy do it for you?" He sneered. That one stung. I didn't flinch, but it made me stiffen. What is up with everyone thinking I have this mythical control over Tommy? It's not like I've got him by the balls or anything. Do I look like a siren or something? So I decided I'd show that punk guitarist a thing or two. I might not be Hendrix or Clapton, but damnit, I'm a Harrison; I know things! I tore the guitar out of his grip and started to play the opening chords to "Smoke on the Water". Needless to say, that won me some well-deserved respect.

I stopped when the song was done, unable for the life of me to know how I'd done it all. All I knew was that the whole group of them was staring at me, mouths gaping wide open and applauding me. Call it a mood or whatever you like, inspiration... I earned their respect the hard way. Let me tell you, it's hard to remain all pristine and ladylike while rocking out to Cream. Not that you would know that, because, of course, who on Earth knows that kind of thing? Apparently I was so good that the guitarist got down on his knees and begged for my forgiveness. "I know my way around a guitar," I retorted coolly.

The other musicians looked to the guitarist pointedly. Hey, he was down on his knees already! Wow, that was fast. Wonder if Tommy can drop and gimme twenty that fast? Interesting possibilities, I think. They didn't need to look at him like that. But he does need to beg for my forgiveness... so beg on. "I'm sorry for underestimating you, Miss Harrison. I promise I'll learn your new song," He murmured pleadingly. I smirked then and pulled him up. Sucker.

He really was a man after my own heart. Seriously, he had this longish dark-brown messy hair with these great bangs and really dark, almost black, eyes. And he looked hot in his outfit. "No problem. Now, just make sure you get this." I started playing the song I intended to sing with Tommy, and around the second time the band kicked in. A few moments later I handed the guitar back to the mysterious guitarist and listened to them all play it. It sounded really good. They asked me to sing, but I didn't want to spoil it for them.

After I'd finished and noticed that I had like thirty minutes to get back to my seat and talk over the proposed choreography I'm sure Tommy had in mind, the guitarist came over to me, hands in his pockets. He was looking a little shy. He held out a hand. "I'm Jeff, and I wanted to say that you really rocked. That song's phenomenal," He said, sounding a bit awe-stricken. "And that secretly I've always thought that Minor Liaison has a deadly guitar riff." I just smiled, (okay, that made me smirk) and Jeff seemed encouraged by this. "And, actually, I was wondering something... But I need to know something first. Is there anything going on with you and Tommy?"

Why does everyone have to ask that question? I shook my head no before he could say something else. "I'm completely available, actually. You know how PR agents and paparazzi hype up everything. He's like a brother to me." Okay, so I was lying through my teeth. Tommy a brother? As if! Even if he was my brother, I'd never see him like that! There would be Incest-a-palooza happening in the Harrison home. I mean, sheesh, you saw what happened when we shared a bathroom! Would've probably done something naughty with him if Dear Old Dad hadn't interrupted. Anyways, that comment sure perked Jeff up. "So... what were you saying?

"Well, I was wondering if you'd want to hang out with me after the show... if you're free, of course," He offered somewhat shyly. It's funny how I completely forgot about my supposed boyfriend. Er, boyfriends? Y'know, Taylor and Tim and me hanging out with Speed. Wow. I see why most people don't date multiple people at the same time. It's hella confusing. I continued to forget about Taylor, by the way, but I couldn't say if I'd hang out with this guy I barely knew after the show. I shrugged helplessly.

It sounded appealing, but Tom definitely wouldn't like it, and there was that whole Taylor issue. And Mom and Dad would probably want me back home and Sadie would probably expect me to come home with her. "I honestly can't say. I have no clue. The people I'm with might be doing something or my parents might want me home... I don't know," I answered somewhat exasperatedly. Then something occurred to me. "How 'bout you give me your number, and I call you if I can come, okay?" I suggested with a flirty smile. He scribbled his phone number unto a scrap of paper that I tucked into the waistband of my underwear. Then, of course, I glanced down at my watch. My eyebrows shot up into the air. "Uh oh. If I don't go right now, I'm gonna be late and then Tommy's going to kill me. Yikes. It was nice talking to you, Jeff," I exclaimed, feeling somewhat alarmed. Then I winked, blew him a kiss, and dashed off down the hallway.

As predicted, I was just the teensiest bit late. Okay, so I wound up dashing all the way to my seat... And so maybe I kind of tripped at the end, and Tommy had to catch me. Big deal. And so yeah, maybe I kind of flashed him and Taylor got all jealous and started yelling, but hey, even Sadie understood it wasn't my fault! Tommy just didn't say anything. Froze me out again like the asshole he is, but whatever. Anyways, so Tom and I don't actually have to go on for a while, according to this lovely schedule he passed me. So I got to thinking about how much easier this whole thing would be if Tommy was a priest. Okay, yeah, so it might get a little Thornbird-ish... What is up with long epics being all tragic? With people experiencing about ten thousand times the drama and depression and loss that normal people experience.

But back to the comforting idea of Tommy wearing a white collar and a... damn, what do they call that thing? Oh well. Oh, a cassock! What a random term. Anyways, it reminds me of this conversation I had with Travis the other day. It was actually a civil one. Travis has been mysteriously civil lately, almost like he's been embarrassed or he's under suspicion or whatever. For some reason, he kept me after class. I don't remember why. More importantly, I don't remember why I stayed, since I don't trust him. But I think I was wearing spike heels that day. Oh, right. Duh. I forgot. Ruby was with me.

However, for this particular conversation, Ruby happened to be out of the room, getting some tutoring since she's missed quite a bit of school. Travis was sitting on his desk, and I was leaning on one in front of him. He has this new honesty policy, which is so weird. He's gone all straight-edge lately, and I don't know what to do about that. You know you're in for something when someone prefaces a conversation with: "So, did I ever tell you about how I almost became a priest?" Well, that's exactly what Travis said. Honestly, I was rather bewildered. Rather completely bewildered. Where did something like this come from?

But Travis proceeded to explain. "It was after... Well, I was feeling pretty damn lousy about my life, and I never wanted to see another woman in my life. I hated women, so I thought... Why not become a priest? It's not like I want the women anymore, and I don't like little boys, so why not? I thought, well, I've always been a good Catholic; why not turn to my faith? Plus I was in the hospital for an entire year, with practically half of my bones broken. I didn't have anything better to do than lie there and study. For months I couldn't even do physical therapy. So I studied and studied and got a bunch of degrees. I couldn't go to classes, but I could read and I could type papers, so I wound up with a teaching degree, a doctorate of Theology, and a doctorate in Russian Literature... to name a few," Travis explained calmly. I could tell it hurt him to tell me that, and I had no idea why he was telling me all this... everything I'd known that had been hinted at.

Except the doctorates of Theology and (Russian) Literature. I didn't even see that coming, really. I know how hard it is to get a doctorate, okay? That's a dissertation of at least 200 pages, right? And then like two-four years of studying and classes or whatever, right? And then way longer for the dissertation. It's hard work. Apparently the guy also has a doctorate in Music, too, for his compositions. And Education, but who didn't see that coming? The I-wanna-be-a-priest-bit also didn't surprise me, since, hello, he already told me... And, hello, Priest and Teacher? Yeah, those are only the two main career tracks for pedophiles! I ought to say ephebophiles and clergy, though. That's more PC.

I rolled my eyes, but Travis didn't notice. "After I got out, I was all set to join up. I even did, but... But then..." He trailed off, failing to explain what it was that had obviously had stopped him from pursuing it. Was it a girl? I doubted it. Revenge? Maybe. But what had triggered the need for revenge or his desire for teaching? I could only wonder helplessly. Wow. That was kind of a pointless little story there. But it shows how strange Travis has gotten lately. Maybe he had a midlife crisis or something.

Hell, it helped distract me from the whole... awards show. It was pretty boring. A bunch of second-rate hip-hopsters... Shay was there, enough said... Trashy Americans... Skye Sweetnam performed, and that was pretty cool. I saw some cool music videos, y'know, the non-hoochy ones. Then Tommy and the boys took the stage to announce the winner for Best Choreography. That was quite possibly the highlight of the night. Vintage Boyz Attack! dance moves, just like back in my childhood. No one was cheering louder than me and Sadie. No one. It was hilarious, kind of making asses out of ourselves. But damn it, it was fun!

Unfortunately, that award meant I had to go backstage. Luckily there was a break of an award or two, so the viewers didn't get all Tommied-out. Unfortunately, that meant I had to dash backstage again and into a dressing room, where I changed into a dark red silk dress that was designed to make me look like a rose. It showed an almost indecent amount of leg and wrapped around my shoulders, but it showed a much less indecent amount of cleavage than the other dress (although it showed quite a bit of collarbone). I changed into a slightly lower pair of high heels, ones I could actually move in. They put a bit of stage make-up on me, putting on another coat of lipstick, ruby-red and shiny. Apparently they wanted me to make out with the guy onstage.

They were disappointed.

Tommy came backstage, buttoning his outfit. I tried not to stare at his pectorals. Naturally, I failed miserably. He was wearing a vaguely suit-like ensemble, with the shirt half-open, revealing a lovely expanse of his chest. He was wearing a rather ill-fitting blazer they'd given him and black pants like usual. The make-up artists put some stage make-up on him too, a practice I knew full well that Tommy despised. I smirked, taking a few deep breaths and doing some of the vocal exercises Tommy's dad taught me. Scowling all the way, Tommy briefly discussed some dance moves with me. I, of course, got confused, so Tommy sighed disgustedly and told me just to follow his lead. The tech guys fitted us with microphones a few moments later, and then we couldn't speak.

Not that that was really a problem with us. He's barely said three words to me all week. "And next up, put your hands together for your Instant Star, Jude Harrison, and the one and only Tommy Quincy, singing the duet that was too hot for MTV!"

Hearing our names announced, I knew I had to go onstage. I didn't bother to mention the change in song. I took a deep breath, squaring my shoulders before walking on stage. I entered from stage right; Tommy entered from stage left. We entered to deafening I glanced at the band, noticing all the familiar faces, noticeably Jeff. I flashed the guitarist a smile and a quick nod, signaling the band to start playing my song. I didn't think of the surprised looks on everyone's faces. Locking eyes with Tommy, I knew we were doing the right thing. No matter the message, I had to sing the song. For closure's sake, at least.

Oh, what the hell... Here goes nothing.

I stepped forward into the spotlight, trembling a little. "One screamand I'm all a-quiver," I bellowed, purposefully shaking all over. Man, I hate these flipping headsets. "One whisper, and I'm all a-twitter," I continued, deliberately dropping my voice. I looked for all the world anxious and on edge, yet shy and sweet- like I wasn't. Then I jerked my neck up, turning abruptly to stalk towards Tommy. "Your move... You've made a quitter!" I sang accusingly, pointing my finger at him. It was as if that motion suddenly animated him. He took a few bold steps forward, and I took twice as many in the opposite direction. "One false step, and I'm your footrest... Crushed under your heel so elegantly," I finished the verse, voice heavily laden with irony.

The tempo sped up, and the drum beat got louder. I bobbed my head to the beat, shooting Tommy a daring sideways glance, signaling the start of the chorus. I swiveled my hips deliberately. "We can't pretend it never happened," I sang louder than I intended. Tommy turned abruptly to stare at me. His eyes were wide with shock and disbelief. He couldn't believe I'd said that, aired that. Oh, no, Jude didn't. Well, I did. Suck it. After waiting a moment, I pivoted to face him. I couldn't avoid this. I had to embrace it head on. "No, not this time going around again," I scolded, not taking my eyes off of Tommy. He started to circle me. This time I took a bold step forward, locking eyes with him and stopping him dead in his tracks. "We can't pretend we never felt this way."

I couldn't, anyways, but Tommy could. So easily. He doesn't love me, he's not stuck on me... He doesn't even think of me, I bet. My eyes narrowed as I started to circle him. "No, we're not going around in circles again," I quipped ironically, surprised when Tommy finally chimed in. I was even more surprised when he grabbed my wrist and pulled me to him. "We can't pretend this doesn't exist anymore," We whispered in unison. The tension was thick in the air. "Ohh, we can't deny the tension between us..." I saw from the look in his eye that he wasn't denying it. But it wasn't the kind of healthy tension. There was nothing even remotely healthy about it. There was something off-kilter, something dangerous in the air.

I shook my wrist free of Tommy's grip and stalked away from him, pretending not to listen to him. "Oh, you talk and talk and talk... Yet, what you say barely registers." My voice was an octave lower than usual, making the song and me sound more jazzy and mellow than I'd intended. As if he was reading my mind, Tommy followed me and moved me around in a very complex dance move. All I did was sing and go where he made me. "But we cannot take these words back... We can't, no matter how hard we try," I warbled. Tommy's eyes flashed darkly, like I'd insulted him.

And maybe I had. I'd written the song right after my sixteenth birthday, seething with rage at Tommy for kissing me and taking it back. I thought that was the worst he could do to me. What did I know? I wrote it right after "Time to Be Your 21", and that song felt, to me, to be the safer one to sing. It was a way to sing about Tommy without acknowledging it. That song is just as much about him as it is about me. Me growing up, so it was more appropriate. This one was all about him.

I was furious that he could just deny it and expect it to be gone, like that. It didn't happen, and I was expected to forget all about it. Neither of us did, though, and it was pointless to just deny it. And now, now we really couldn't anymore. I mean, what's the point? I've given up on Tommy. For good, this time. I'm dating other people, and I'm having fun... I'm not happy, and Tommy's not happy... But I know he wouldn't be any happier with me. I'd just make him miserable. I think he's just never satisfied with his life, no matter how good it is. And he doesn't deserve Sadie, but he makes her happy... And that's good enough for me.

So why bother obsessing over him when he doesn't love me... when he doesn't care... when he's not hung up on me or thinking about me... when he's falling in love with another girl and engaged to my big sister and I've got Taylor? The most I ever got out of him was an "I want you" and a couple joke marriage proposals. Nothing ever came of it, so I've got to get over him before it kills me.

But that doesn't mean I'm not hurt by it, and that I'm suddenly over him. I leaped out of his grasp, landing far away from him on my own two feet in heels. My legs didn't buckle but the impact was hard. Still, I didn't stumble. I cast Tommy an accusing, bitter stare. My heels throbbed. "I'm blue and bruised; your heart's black" I cried, meaning every word. I screamed out all of my pain into the song. "Once again, I cry and die just a little inside!" I sang out, showing off my range, hitting some impressive notes. I couldn't even muster up a single tear, for all my "crying" and "dying". My back bent under the weight of the song, and I snapped my spine up, stomping over to Tommy. "Won't you tell me what it is that I lack?" I demanded, realizing suddenly that I really did want to know why I was never good enough. Why I was never enough... Never enough for you...

This time, Tommy was prepared. For a moment or two, I could've sworn he looked a little sad, almost guilty. But just as soon as I saw it, he started singing, and the look was gone. Embarrassed, I looked away and followed his example. "We can't pretend it never happened... Nonot this time going around again!" We chorused, once again circling one another. The gleam in Tommy's eyes was decidedly predatory since he was extremely pissed I'd aired some of our dirtiest laundry. Y'know the kind I mean. The clothes with all the mysterious, incriminating-looking stains. My eyes burned into him. "We can't pretend we never felt this way," I sang with a strange lilt. Tommy was oh-so guilty of that one.

Tommy stopped abruptly, grabbing my wrist hard. "No, we're not going around in circles again!" His denial was so vehement. He held my wrist so tightly that I could swear I felt it bruising beneath his hand. He yanked me towards him. "We can't pretend this doesn't exist anymore!" Tommy stated fiercely. I'm sure it looked a lot more fluid on screen than it felt. A lot less tense and angry, I'm sure. I was rather terrified. What people don't know about the musicians they listen to... it's mindboggling, really. I thought it was awfully rich of Tommy to pretend like he actually felt that way, hurting me and all... When the damn song was written about his games and his denial in the first place. Like I don't know that we can't do those things. Then Tommy calmed some, slowly releasing his grip on my wrist and walking a ways away. "Ohh, we can't deny the tension between us," He lamented, sounding far more tortured than he really was.

Like I said, Tommy's a brilliant actor. It's funny, isn't it, how we musicians are just as good at acting as the professionals? At least, Tommy and I are, anyway. We're better than Taylor, at least. Obvious Taylor who doesn't even notice that Tommy's practically fingering his girlfriend at the dinner table. Although, to be fair, that was our first date. But, then again, it was our first date, and I was all set to have sex with Tommy in the restaurant. I mean, we practically made out. How dumb do you have to be to miss that?!

The music shifted dramatically and the mood intensified. It was a far darker version of the same tune. As if sensing my lyrics, Tommy came towards me. He didn't waste time; he picked me up immediately, lifting me in the air. I sucked in a breath, surprised and somewhat lightheaded. "You pulled me away, took me aside..." I wailed, accusing him with every word. He'd done that... kind of. As soon as I sang it, Tommy did it. I fell down a little in his arms. His hands moved down lower as he pulled me closer to him. "Seduced me that day," I continued a bit too breathlessly. Tommy pressed me against him even more closely, knowing full well how horribly affected I was. Stumbling, I brought my hands down on his arms, hitting him to make him drop me. I couldn't take it! "I can't think straight since..." I exhaled raggedly as I landed on my feet. That, at least, was true.

That was a lucky coincidence. Eying Tommy warily, I backed away. I could see the wheels in his head turning, and I didn't want him getting any ideas from the rest of the verse. "You stole me away, made sure I lied," I declared damningly, glowering at him and actually fleeing. Tommy caught me, of course, and then involved me in this ridiculously complex, vindictive modern-dance-inspired routine with a lot of dipping and swirling. He made me horribly dizzy. "I can't bare to stay..." I cried, breaking away from him. My head was spinning. The ground swayed and buckled before my eyes, so I tripped, once again twisting my ankle. It didn't hurt as bad this time, though. Luckily, Tommy caught me, so it looked like it was planned. I blinked, looking at him. His face swam before my eyes, and I drew back, not trusting him or my sight. "When I see you, I wince"

I screamed the word so loudly I felt like I'd gone supersonic. As if he knew what was coming, he set me on my feet and abruptly moved away. I was left dizzy and confused, looking after him longingly. "Why do you leave me this way?" I pleaded, reaching out for him. I really didn't miss him all that much then, I just needed to hold on to something. Tommy left everyone, though, so I didn't take it personally.

What happened next floored me. Tommy began to sing, shooting me a smug glance. "How can you unravel me with only a single kiss? I'm not accustomed to losing all of my control..." He sang suddenly. The music hadn't even changed back to its more upbeat state yet. Control has always been so important to Tommy. What was weird, though, was that those were the correct lyrics. Tommy hadn't seen the song... so how had he known them? Did we really know each other so well that Tommy had read my mind? "I'm not used to feeling like this, like this... I don't let just anyone reach in and touch my sooooul" Tommy exclaimed theatrically, even touching his heart.

My vision had cleared, and I scoffed at him, shocked. What soul, Tommy? What a liar! Me, touch the soul he doesn't have? If he does, it's black for all he's done! That's like him saying that he has a heart. Ha! The words were meaningless to me now that I knew that he didn't give a damn. Too late, Tom. They were just words to me. Bitterly, I started up the chorus, cutting off the end of his note. I didn't care if he joined me or not, so I sang them on my own. "We can't pretend it never happened! No, not this time going around again! We can't pretend we never felt this way! No, we're not going around in circles again! We can't pretend this doesn't exist anymore! Ohh, we can't deny the tension between us!" I snapped insistently, rage sizzling through every scathing word. He had frozen.

Big shocker there.

I made sure to look at Tommy with my blazing eyes, so he knew how absolutely enraged I was. Talk is cheap. I was glad, then, that the next line continued on in the same furious tone I sang with presently. The next verse required confrontation, and I was determined to do just that. I walked towards him, swaying my hips with precision. "You don't know what I'm talking about, you say!" My voice soared to operatic highs. I had never sung better. Then again, I had never been more indignant. My eyes narrowed. "But you can't even just look me in the eyes..." I spat disdainfully. It was true, too. As of lately, he couldn't. "You tell me to go away, you need me so far away," I sang mockingly, bobbing my head. I hated him with every fiber of my being then, hated him for every last thing he did.

I came closer to him until I was right there in his face. He couldn't look away. He was forced to look me in the eyes, in the face. "Do you ever choke on all those bitter lies?" I asked venomously, wondering idly if he did. Truthfully, I didn't really care. I wanted him to choke, and I wasn't ashamed of that. Then I slapped him, but only lightly. Still, Tom recoiled as if I'd really hit him.

He launched into the chorus before I could, whirling me with him into a ridiculously complex dance routine that left me so breathless I couldn't sing, even if I wanted to. He was seething but carefully disguising it. I could see that in his posture, the way he held himself a little bit more highly, how tense and stiff he was. How absolutely matter-of-fact his tone was. "We can't pretend it never happened! No, not this time going around again! We can't pretend we never felt this way! No, we're not going around in circles again... We can't pretend this doesn't exist anymore! Ohh, we can't deny the tension between us..." Tommy warbled much more mellifluously than I did. His voice was so velvety smooth.

And I remembered how attracted I was to him, how in love I was with him, and how much I didn't want to be in love with him. But I was, nonetheless. And I didn't want to be! Oh, I didn't! "I'm disillusioned with being in love!" I sang piercingly, trying to scream out every drop of pain. The verse was much more heavy, so much like it was when I'd written it, deep and jazzy, sultry and low. "I feel like an addict to your drug," I cried hoarsely as Tommy put his arms around me, dipping me down low, tango-style. I pulled up and out of the embrace as soon as I could, stumbling to my feet. "My affection, an honor you're unworthy of," I proclaimed self-righteously. It was true, though. Tommy really doesn't deserve it. He doesn't deserve to have someone like me completely devoted to him. I think he's too good for me, but, in reality, I'm too good for him!

I shook my head stubbornly. "Not anymore, we can't sweep this under the rug!" I reprimanded, glowering at him. Even now, we still did, didn't we? After almost a whole year, I still have yet to tell anyone about what happened the night of my sixteenth birthday. I kept my damn mouth shut, just like I kept my mouth shut about what happened that night he thinks I slept with him. Just like I kept my mouth shut about how he broke my heart. Like I always kept my mouth shut and denied everything and anything that even suggested Tommy and I had ever been more than friends. I shook my head sassily, waving my finger in his face. "But forget high, you don't send me soaring... Forget the joy and in comes the rain!" I bemoaned, turning away with some rather dramatic hand gestures.

I carefully schooled my face so that I looked perfectly downtrodden. I wasn't. "You leave me low, but don't you dare go"I begged, caught up in a desperation I didn't really feel. I whirled around, clutching his shoulders as if he was all that tethered me to this earth. Then I sighed heavily and let my shoulders sank as my grip became lax. "Nowadays, it seems like I only feeeel the pain," I whispered, suddenly trying to choke back tears. The melody crescendoed as my voice weakened. It's funny how a song can say so completely what you're feeling when words can't. But the melody and the lyrics can, somehow. I don't know how. I was, however, simultaneously proud of myself for talking about it to someone, even if it was millions of people who didn't understand and didn't really know. And I was proud of myself for the way I sung it. Very Celine Dion, all those notes.

I shook my head this time a bit sadly as the tempo slowed down. Tommy walked carefully around me, slowly. "Because we can't pretend it never happened... No, not this time, I won't go around and around again! We can't go on and say that we've never felt this way... No, we're not going to go around in circles again!" I sang sorrowfully. Tommy spun me around easily then suddenly stopped. I swayed on my feet, slightly dizzy, but I focused on Tommy so I wouldn't lose my balance in the already precarious heels. "Because it happened, and you know it!" I proclaimed defiantly.

Tommy stomped towards me. "Because it did happen, and I know it too!" He proclaimed, damn near shouting what I'd written. I wondered once more how he knew exactly what was on my mind. For a moment I just stared at him in disbelief. That was as close to an admittance as I was ever going to get. Well, he'd admitted it, hadn't he? I gaped so long that I missed a beat. Then Tommy shot me a look before stalking off in the opposite direction. I snapped out of my daze, turning to the crowd. My eyes followed Tommy walking away.

"And though you can try and deny... Just try and forget it, I dare you! You know it's true, but still you lie!" I screeched after him, seething with rage. Or, at least, that's how it looked. I wasn't really that mad. Tommy whirled around just as I finished and shot me a dark glance that said he wouldn't be forgetting it any time soon. I gulped hard and faltered in my steps just a little, starting the next verse on wobbling legs. "Even when we can no longer pretend anymore..."

Tommy approached me from behind, putting his hands on my waist and burying his nose in my hair. I could feel his stubble brushing against my cheek. "We've long since passed the point of no return," He murmured in a low voice. I felt his breath, hot and heavy, on my neck. I shuddered involuntarily. There was something so forbidding about that, and something terribly dangerous and sexy about the way he said it. He clutched my hips possessively, even painfully. He shook his head, abruptly jerking me around by the hips. Tommy did this so suddenly that I had to catch my breath. "And we can't keep up this up like we did before," Tommy snarled, leaning so close to me that our foreheads almost brushed. I closed my eyes for one brief moment and set my shoulders stubbornly.

Then I opened them and shoved Tommy away, fire blazing in my eyes. I straighted my posture proudly. "You can keep on swearing it never happened... But we both know that won't make it true!" I scolded blisteringly. I sighed, conceding just a little, exchanging glances with Tommy. "No matter how much you really want it to." How on Earth did I manage to say that in a level voice? Then, as if he knew what I was thinking, Tommy stopped doing meaningless background vocals and chimed in with me on the last line. We finished the song looking at each other. "It never happened, but it did"The notes died out slowly, and for a moment there was an eerie silent finality. I breathed raggedly, removing my microphone while waiting for a response. I felt physically drained, sweaty and uncomfortable.

And I knew. I was purged. I was free.

I was done with Tommy.

I couldn't take the waiting anymore, so I turned and walked offstage. Just as I reached the door, I heard the applause begin. It quickly became thunderous. For a moment I felt almost bad for leaving him, but I needed to decompress badly.

Okay, so I really needed to strip off my sweaty clothes. I hurried backstage amidst cheers and congratulations. I ignored all of them, not stopping until I reached the dressing room. I threw the microphone in a box especially for storage before moving to a tiny, secluded corner. I kicked off my heels hurriedly, shoving my feet in the other ones. I tottered on my feet for a minute. These shoes are seeeeriously too tall. Then I started to unfasten and unwrap my dress slowly. It required a lot more precision than you'd think. I was beginning to get annoyed by all the different levels of frilly silk when I heard someone let out a sharp wolf whistle. I turned, covering my chest, to see Tommy staring at me with a smirk on his face. "TOMMY! What the Hell!? This is the girls' dressing room!"

He winked at me, staring blatantly at my chest. My bare chest. "Oh, I know." He started clapping. "This was a most pleasant detour," Tommy replied with a grin. He was looking decidedly lascivious. I flushed the color of my hair, hating how Tommy looked like he knew what I look like without my clothes. Oh, wait. He does. Tommy checked me out. "Guess that blush really does go all the way, huh?" Tommy reached out to touch me, but I drew back before he could. Like the moron didn't already know that, anyways. Could I be any more mortified? Oh, yes, I could. The morning after, which... well, only that one time and he wasn't even there when I... I exhaled, banishing the thoughts from my mind and turning my back to him, finally undoing the last of the strips of fabric that wrapped around my torso.

"If you're going to stare at my naked flesh and make lewd comments about my body like a twelve-year-old boy, you could at least get my dress," I snapped, still irritated with him. The satisfied grin curled on his face, but he did as I said. I knew I had little time, so I tugged the dress down, sliding it over my hips until it puddled on the floor. I gingerly stepped out of it, picked it up, and threw it in Tommy's face. He handed me my dress nonetheless, and I stepped in impatiently, pulling it up to my hips in a flash. Tommy hung up the "flower" dress and managed to have time to spare. He dragged his fingers along my lower back, just above my tailbone.

I shut my eyes tightly, and he pressed a stream of wet, gentle kisses down my spine without asking. I squared my shoulders and jerked the zipper up abruptly. Tommy jumped back so his lips didn't get stuck in the zipper. "Hands, R. Kelly!" I shouted, making him rue his own words. I found it a relevant statement, given the circumstances. I grinned victoriously, snickering, but my back felt kind of damp or slobbery. That was, of course, Tommy's intent. I just shrugged. He was still a better kisser than Taylor, even if he was molesting me. On a strictly physical basis... Tommy's hot, and he knows what he's doing. Really. As long as you don't fall in love with him, you'll be fine. Except you might want to use protection, because, really, who knows what STD you could be catching.

It's just that emotional, committed level where things start to get awkward and suck.

You know, if he wasn't practically married to my sister, and I wasn't kinda dating Taylor... Okay, so I really don't care that much about Taylor yet. He's a sweet kid and all, but I don't love him. I love Sadie, and I love myself. And I'll always love Tommy, of course. Damn, why did I have to think that? It completely ruins this new cynical thing I have going!

Anyways, as I was saying... Oh, hell, if I wasn't so terrified and so sure that I'd become even more attached to the guy (by this point, the only way that is possible is if I wind up pregnant with his baby or stalking him)... I'd have sex with him. But of course I can't do that. I don't trust myself that much. Plus Sadie.

Since I couldn't reach the top part of my zipper, I reluctantly allowed Tommy to do it for me. Wasn't like I had much of a choice. He had changed much faster than me. For a moment, I just kind of looked at him. He looked different to me, but I didn't know how. Either way, he didn't seem mad.

What a pity it was, then, that I didn't give a damn.

I straightened my dress and walked out the door with Tommy hot on my heels. Just as I did, someone grabbed me. It was Kristen. "Jude, you and Tommy just won Best Collaboration," She explained succinctly. "You two need to get onstage now and accept." Then she forcibly dragged the two of us to the door and pushed us out. I was worried about my appearance, but I forced myself to ignore that. Tommy's hand rested on the small of my back, guiding me, as we walked up to the podium together. When we got there, Chantal Kreviazuk and her husband presented us with the award. Chantal kissed both of us on the cheek, while her husband shook both of our hands. I hate that part. Having strangers touch you because of business.

We shared the microphone, podium, and award, however. Tommy motioned for me to go first. I stared out at the vast crowd of people and suddenly didn't want to say anything. But I was feeling malicious enough, and that was more than enough to drive me on. I leaned into the microphone, clutching the award in one hand. "Okay, so I'm going to keep this short. I owe this award to four people. Firstly, my music teacher, for giving me the idea in the first place and then contributing the male vocals after the label decided it should be a duet," I began, pausing briefly. God and my Mama had nothing to do with it. Rather the opposite, actually. Tommy looked surprised at this revelation. "Secondly, of course, to Tommy. If he hadn't left me alone in the studio that day, I would've never written this song. Really, Tom, I couldn't have done it without you!" I replied sarcastically, turning to face him. Sadly, all of that was true.

I took a breath, searching out E.J. in the crowd. "Thirdly to my other producer, Kwest, for manning the booth while Tommy and I were recording... And finally, thanks go out to E.J., my PR agent. If it wasn't for her, you would've never heard this song. I threw it in the trash, and she rescued it." I truly resented her for that. I faked a wide smile. "And, of course, thanks to the video crew, Big D, and all of you who liked and voted for it!" I exclaimed seemingly gleefully before stepping aside to let Tom talk.

Honestly, I didn't pay attention to one damn word the boy said. I completely zoned out, only snapping out of it when I realized he was dragging me away. I flushed. Oops. Then we walked down the stairs together and back to our seats quietly. Taylor was chattering in my ear, but I didn't hear him. I was kind of numb, really.

I sat there and watched as they got down to the last awards of the night. As I expected, I didn't win Single of the Year. I lost to Kalan Porter or Avril, I think. It wasn't much of a loss to me. Apparently it was for "Too Sexy Sadie." Go fig. I'm kinda glad I didn't win, actually. I saw the pained look on Sadie's face when even a clip of it played. Life for me is like that. I get pissed or hurt about something, write a song about it, and then wind up regretting it because it's so damn personal. Such is the case with "Too Sexy Sadie", "Minor Liaison", "It (Never) Happened"... And so on. But I guess I just need to get the words out of me so I don't explode.

However, I snapped out of it when I heard my name called. It turned out I'd just won Best New Artist. I was dumbstruck with disbelief. Eventually Tommy forced me to my feet, and I was swept into hugs from Sadie and Taylor. I carelessly dodged a kiss from Taylor and forgot about hugging Tommy entirely, intent on getting up on stage as fast as possible. It was only when I got on stage and was standing up at the podium that I realized what had just happen. I started smiling sunnily, grabbing the award from the presenter (who I didn't care to recognize).

I didn't have a speech prepared because I didn't think I would win, so I had to wing it. "Wow. I never thought this would happen." What a promising beginning. "Okay, first I have to thank Tommy, my producer, partner, and best friend. You are my inspiration, and I know my music would not sound the same without you. This award is just as much yours as it is mine. I owe everything to you. Everything,"I exclaimed slightly breathlessly. Honestly, I wasn't thinking at all. These were just the words that came to mind, and Tommy was automatically the first person who came to mind. "Next I have to thank my Dad for giving me an interest in music, teaching me how to play the guitar, and always understanding. Major thanks to my best friend, Jamie, for all those years we spent up in my bedroom writing songs together. And thanks to my mom, sister, and Kat, who've always supported me, even when it was tough. Especially my sister. Thanks also go out to Georgia and E.J. for taking a chance on me and always having my back. Then Darius for offering me the Shay Tour, and, most importantly, thanks go out to all the people who voted on me, both for this award and for Instant Star. Thanks so much!" I proclaimed with a wide, victorious smile. I hefted the award in the air before turning around and leaving amidst applause.

When I returned to my seat, Tommy was waiting with open arms. To my surprise, he hugged me twice. I didn't think much of it and threw the award in his lap. His grunt of pain could be heard five aisles over. Hehe.

The awards show was over shortly after that. I was glad because I couldn't take much more of it.

And that's really when things went from bad to worse.

It started when we were in the hallway, which was crowded with all sorts of musicians and their people. Not exactly a great place to start the drama, but that's how Sadie rolls.

It started innocently enough. Sadie was behind me and Taylor, arm and arm with Tommy. "Tommy, I really wish you wouldn't touch Jude so much. It just makes it look like there's something going on between you two," Sadie said in a rather whiny voice. I didn't really care too much because she had a point. Besides, I wanted to stay away from Tommy. I just kind of wished she wouldn't bring it up in such a crowded place. It's really amazing what people say when they don't think you're listening.

Tommy sighed, sounding distinctly annoyed. "Sadie, she's my closest friend. I was congratulating her on winning an award. Get over it," Tommy retorted. I was vaguely flattered he thought I was his closest friend. And the other stuff was pretty true. He was just leaving out all of the non-friendly stuff like what happened in my dressing room and the fact that the song was clearly about him. I winced in advance, knowing Sadie was going to explode.

I was not disappointed. "Get over it?! You didn't have to hug her twice, Tommy!" Came Sadie's shrill voice. I nodded. True, true. Hugging someone twice is like you don't want to let them go. He should be hugging her twice. I vowed to try and stay out of their argument, even if it was about me. Taylor was chattering on about something pointless, and I was pretending to listen but really ignoring him. Please. Tommy and my sister fighting is way more interesting than what Kathryn Mansfield did during Scene 102. Damn it. The crowd was not lessening. I wasn't even moving.

Tommy snorted. "Oh, you might as well say it, Sadie. You don't give a damn about me hugging Jude. It's the other stuff you're worried about," Tommy interrupted in his characteristically blunt way. Actually, Sadie shouldn't be worried about me at all, despite Tommy's obvious partiality for me. I at least care about her. And Tommy, but never mind that. Plus I haven't had sex with him. She should be worried about all those random groupie bimbos he's been having sex with on the side. Not that she knows about that.

Sadie gasped behind me. "Well maybe I wouldn't be worried about it if you could keep your hands off of her for two seconds! Maybe I wouldn't worry if I had any indication that you wouldn't leave me for her at the drop of a hat!" Sadie snarled, trying to be quiet. She wasn't, really. Maybe she was also worried because she didn't know what exactly I'd done with Tommy. I thought that but didn't dare say it. Psh, like I want to get in another argument about my relationship with Tommy, much less with Sadie?

Tommy exhaled heavily. He was practically up against my back. Not exactly helping his case. We were all pressed together that tightly. Seriously, are we stuck in quicksand or something? Why the hell isn't this line moving? Are they letting one celeb out at a time or something? GAH! I don't want to listen to this! I just want to go home and sleep. "I'm with you, aren't I, Sadie? You're the one with the ring on your finger," He said wearily. And, wow, I think I've said that before.

You would think that would be enough for Sadie, but it wasn't. Wasn't enough for me either. "And you're the one making goo-goo eyes at my sister behind my back. You spend more time with her than me, Tommy! All those late nights alone in the studio? God, Tom, I'm not stupid!" Sadie snapped. I frowned. Well, actually, Sadie kinda is. Dumb enough not to know about all the whores. Plus we haven't had a late night at the studio in like, at least two weeks.

This made Tommy mad, despite the fact that it was the truth. Tommy always gets pissed whenever you bring up the truth. "Sadie, be realistic. We work together," Tommy said shortly. I had the nasty feeling that the argument was going to get progressively uglier.

It did, when Sadie swung her arm around at him, furious. Tommy can't just brush it off, I guess. "I'm the one who's supposed to be marrying you, Tommy, not her!" Sadie shouted so loudly that heads turned in their direction. Sadie did not notice, and I wisely did not turn around so she could yell at me. "I don't even know where you live, but my sixteen-year-old little sister practically has a key to your place! I only met your brother tonight, but Jude's on a first name basis with your whole family! And it doesn't help that you're in the tabloids with her every other day, Tom! You practically had sex with her in that music video, and I had to watch it! How do you think that makes me feel, Tom?!" An outraged Sadie fumed.

She was right to be pissed. I was surprised it hadn't happened sooner. But, to be fair, she would've met the rest of Tommy's family if she'd gone to his party. I can't explain why she's never been to his place, though. And making his girlfriend watch him practically have sex with him is just cruel. I wondered vaguely how Tommy was going to explain it to her. He looks pretty damn guilty here.

Tommy shrugged. "My mother's Jude's lawyer, and my dad is a vocal coach. She met them at my birthday party. And she doesn't have a key to my place. She's just been there a couple of times... As for the music video, well, neither of us wanted that. But the label... I mean, c'mon, Sadie, you seriously think I wanted to sing those awful male vocals, let alone make out with Jude in front of a camera?!" Tommy explained a little less calmly. I was rather irked for several reasons. Firstly, he was totally lying about why I've been at his place and what's happened there. Then, of course, he failed to mention that I'd asked him to dispose of the song, and he hadn't. And, finally, what the hell is so bad about making out with me? It's not like I'm a bad kisser! Then again, if there's video footage, that could be used as evidence against him in a criminal case.

And we could see why he'd hate that.

Sadie turned on Tommy. Why isn't this line moving? I think I've moved approximately five inches here. Sheesh. "I think you'd use any excuse to make out with Jude!" Sadie countered vehemently. I frowned. Perhaps that's true. Tommy stiffened. I was just hoping Taylor wasn't hearing this. The last thing I need is another fight with him about Tommy.

"Sadie, I knew Jude first. She's my friend and my artist. She's not just going to disappear from my life, no matter how jealous you get. Am I dating Jude? No. So you have nothing to worry about," Tommy said a bit irately. He must get real tired of reassuring her all the time. I knew straightaway that Sadie didn't buy any of it, but I was wise enough not to get between them. Sadie's like two steps away from grabbing me by the hair and smacking me. Not gonna push her right now, thank you.

Sadie actually snorted in disbelief. "Nothing to worry about? You've got to be kidding me! You two practically have your own language!" Sadie sighed in frustration, quickly resuming her speech so Tommy couldn't get a word in. "You can't tell me there's nothing for me to worry about there because it's just not true. I'm supposed to be the only girl to you, Tommy, and right now I'm not. You can't have your cake and eat it too... I don't know if I can trust you, Tommy. Because every time I turn around, she's there!" Sadie implored sadly. She was beginning to get to the weepy part of an argument. She was still angry, of course, but mostly just insecure and hurt.

Tommy seemed to calm down some, sensing Sadie's pain. I have to say that's the first time he's ever cared about that. "Sadie... I can't tell you to trust me. I know my track record, and I wouldn't trust me either... But things will be different once we're married. I promise. Jude's just a friend. She's like a sister to me," Tommy murmured in a quiet voice. The words were loud enough to sting, however. I flinched just a little. It was nice to know that Sadie didn't trust me either. At least I love her! What stung most of all was the sense of loss I felt. Not because Tommy had said something mean. He'd done that before. Because that big breakthrough I'd made, where he'd finally admitted that it happened... It was like his words washed it all away, made it so it never happened. I was choking on his lies. Sister? My ass.

Sadie didn't buy it either, for obvious reasons. I mean, sister? Come on. How dumb does she look? She might be a blonde, but she's not that stupid! "That won't fix it, Tom!" Sadie shrieked so loudly I felt like everyone heard. Apparently, from the glances she was getting, everybody did. Sadie sighed heavily. "Sometimes I feel like you wouldn't even be dating me if my sister wasn't illegal,"She lamented, starting to cry a little. She'd said what everyone was thinking but didn't want to admit. Great, just great. I am now officially in hell, and this is it.

Unbelievably it got worse. That was enough to render Tommy speechless. It couldn't have happened at a worse moment. Sadie waited a minute or two... Those minutes became easily the most tense ones of my life. "She's obviously in love with you, Tommy, and she'd be with you in a heartbeat if you just let her!" Sadie shouted at the top of her lungs. That was my breaking point. Having to listen to them argue about me was bad enough, but having her humiliate me in public in front of famous people was another. I had to get out of there. So, fighting back the first traces of tears, I dropped Taylor's arm abruptly and fought and elbowed my way through the crowd. Damned if I wait for them to move and wind up roped into that argument with Sadie and Tommy. No thanks!

I pushed over some particularly annoying Canadian celebrities in my dash to the door. I just couldn't stand there and listen to them anymore. But I could still hear Tommy and Sadie fighting, no matter how fast I moved, as if they were in my ears. This time Tommy was the one yelling. I could sense his hand in the air, his eyes staring after me. "See, Sadie, look what you've done! You made your sister run off!" I heard Sadie slap him hard across the face.

I fought desperately to get to the front, trying to drown out their voices. But they were getting louder. "We are having a crisis here, and all you can think about is my sister! That is just too typical,Tommy!" Sadie hollered, slapping him again. I winced and wanted to melt into the floor. Put me between you some more, why don't you? I felt briefly bad for Tommy, but then I remembered that this was all his fault.

For some reason, this lack of concern made Tommy mad. Despite the fact that he's certainly showed me less regard. "Someone's got to when you don't seem to care if she lives or dies!" Tommy rejoined. I glanced back very briefly and noticed him moving towards me slowly. I turned back around and fought my way through the crowd like a wildcat. Sheesh, the boy just says one bad thing after another. I tried to run, but it was kind of impossible in the crowd. I didn't feel like a winner. I felt like a bitch.

Sadie grabbed him and resounded on him. "I need to know if you have feelings for her, Tommy! 'Cause that's what it sounds like when you care more about your client than your fiancée!" Sadie growled viciously. A wise demand it was. One that sent my heart up into my throat and made me freeze for a minute. I should've known, of course, that T wasn't going to answer.

Tommy wisely decided to snipe at her instead. "God, Sadie, can you stop being jealous for two seconds?! This is not the place." Unfortunately it was for Sadie. And she's been jealous for months. You think she's gonna stop now? Hell no. Tommy's a silly boy.

My dear sister sniffed at him. "Oh, sorry. I didn't realize that the hallway wasn't appropriate for that question. Would it be less personal if I asked you if you had sex with her?" Sadie returned viciously, even bitterly sarcastically. She said this particularly loudly. As if I wasn't already humiliated enough. Tactless much? Plus, hello, she doesn't realize that sex is less personal for him than having feelings for someone. Or maybe she does. I wanted to look back to see Tommy's reaction to that, but doing that would be like admitting I'd nailed the guy. I hadn't done that, of course. "Oh, wait, you couldn't admit that anyway because then you'd go to jail!" Sadie drawled.

"FOR STATUTORY RAPE, TOMMY!"

I could feel Sadie's curious eyes burning a hole into the back of my head before she turned her blazing stare on Tommy. "Now," She said in a steely, challenging tone that reminded me of Clint Eastwood ("Do you feel lucky?"), "The real question is whether you're a child rapist, whether you're the kind of authority figure who would take advantage of a teenage girl who looks up to you."

Naturally, I can only assume that Tommy was absolutely incensed at that, and that he most certainly felt guilty for what he thought he'd done. But his silence made people wonder. Tommy sighed, sounding defeated. "Is that really the kind of man you think I am, Sadie?" Tommy inquired in a disbelieving, absolutely horrified voice. If it makes him feel better, I don't think he's that kind of guy, and I have the right.

Who is Sadie to judge that? She doesn't even know if I slept with him. But it sure is easy for her to think he did, you know. She needs so little convincing.

"Some kind of pedophile? Because of my relationship with Jude? You think I'm just like Chaz and my dad and my older brother?" Tommy asked, sounding so deeply hurt I couldn't believe it. I've never heard Tommy that broken up about anything. He had a way of being in quiet pain, suffering in silence. It wasn't that he thought Chaz and his dad and his older brother (who I was shocked he mentioned) were pedophiles, per se. But that was how it looked. His dad was married to a woman twelve years younger than him (at least), whom he'd known since she was six. Chaz and Ruby, well, he wasn't convicted, but everyone knows he did it. His brother, well, I couldn't vouch for him. Tommy didn't want people to look at him and think of him like that.

Ouch. That's... intense. And I really need to get out of here before he does something dumb like say yes. Which he will because he thinks we've slept together. "What, Sadie, do you want me to say yes? Every question you ask you expect a yes! You can't even have that much faith in me," Tommy rejoined furiously. I sighed. That wasn't a denial. Finally, I knew I had to force myself out of there, so I elbowed and elbowed some more, and I ran like a woman possessed until I could see the door. There were just a few people standing between me and the door.

"The fact that you won't answer any questions makes me suspicious, Tom. So just answer the damn question. Either you have feelings for my baby sister or you don't."

My foolish sister had just given Tommy an ultimatum. Tommy does not do well with ultimatums. I wasn't about to stand around and listen to the fireworks. Sadie was gonna roundabout on me too. So I shoved ahead out into the blinding night, flashing with cameras. I managed to scuttle down an alleyway where I was less... exposed. I sighed in relief, despite shivering in the darkness. I'll just wait here until things calm down.

Unfortunately, they did not calm down. Not even slightly. Just as I stepped into the alleyway, Sadie and Tommy emerged through another door. I groaned softly and hoped the darkness concealed me. I didn't want to get into this with them. I couldn't hear what Sadie was saying, despite the fact that she was screaming. All I saw was her chasing after Tommy in the dim light. Finally, Tommy just got so fed up with whatever Sadie was saying that he stopped dead in his tracks and whirled around, startling Sadie.

"You want the truth? Fine, then you'll get it!" Tommy bellowed. His chest heaved. "You're right about everything, Sadie! Aren't you glad?! Yes, I'd rather be with Jude. Yes, I wouldn't be with you if your kid sister was legal! Yes, I'm not happy! Yes, there's someone else! And yes, Sadie, I had sex with Jude!" Tommy roared hurtfully. I flinched abruptly, then I saw the pained look on Sadie's face and wanted to make him stop. Of course, that would mean revealing myself, and I was probably the last person Sadie wanted to see at this precise moment... Choices.

Tommy basically started telling Sadie the truth about everything, and I do mean everything. "I've been cheating on you for a long time. Since after you got back and broke up with me. Not just Jude... Jude was drunk that one time, and we've only made out since. A lot. But I cheated on you with lots of people. Any girl I could find that was willing... I even almost wound up married to my ex-girlfriend because of it, in Italy, right after we had that huge fight. I don't even remember most of them. I cheated on you with so many girls I don't even remember their names. And then I cheated on you with Chaz' ex-girlfriend, Ruby. She was living with me for a few weeks, and I only had sex with her because I couldn't have Jude. I only dated you so I could forget about her."

"You wanna know why she's been to my place, Sadie? She's even slept there, showered there. Hell, she's slept in my bed. The first time we went there to talk... no talking really happened, though... The next time I took her there after I bailed her out because she was so completely wasted. She even came over once to hang out with me, fell asleep with me on my couch. She came over last week to get her birthday present. Honestly, Jude's come over because we spend more time together."

The sad thing is that I already knew all of that. Sadie was too numb to even slap him for that. "But you can't blame any of this on Jude. She tried her best to resist. She's done it more times than I can count. All these times she'd told me to lay off because of you. Hell, I told her I wanted her at the premiere, and she turned me down flat. I told her I wasn't happy with you, that I didn't love you, all those things, and she just said that I shouldn't tell her that. And that she wanted me to say I was happy with you. She wants the both of us to be happy... It's just that that can't be possible. You can't be any happier with me than I can be with you. Jude was the reason we even got engaged," He explained patiently.

I rolled my eyes. Great. Tommy defending me. What a death sentence. Sadie is gonna hate me. So much. Then Tommy put the final nails in the coffin. "I never meant to get engaged to you, Sadie. It was all one horrible mistake! There's a reason I didn't propose. A recently divorced friend of mine gave me that ring, wanting nothing more than to get rid of it. I was going to sell it that day, but Jude found it in my pocket. She thought it was for you, so she gave it to you. Then she made sure you called me up and asked if we were engaged," Tommy explained cruelly. I know he didn't intend for it to sound that way, but sometimes his words were so biting.

Then Sadie surprised me. She finally spoke. "Why did you say yes, then, if you never meant to propose? If I'm so stupid, why didn't you, who knew better, say no?" Sadie retorted. She pushed Tommy then. "What, you couldn't tell me like a man?" She snarled. I felt suddenly proud of my sister. She looked absolutely fantastic, far too good to waste on a cad like Tommy.

Tommy flinched a little, as he always does when you insult his manhood. I believe that's a bit of a sore spot for him. He glanced down. "I do care about you, Sadie, and I didn't want to hurt you. It felt a lot like love, not that I really know what that feels like. I thought that I could make you happy. Plus... I genuinely do like you, and I've been engaged and married to women for lesser reasons and lesser feelings," Tommy said softly, touching Sadie's hand. My poor sister jerked away as if she'd been burned. He was right, too. Sadie was a good girl, and he sure knows her better than he knew Portia. Plus she was crazy about him. Sadie glowered at him in response, and then she whirled back and slapped him.

The smack sound was more than satisfying, and Tommy actually looked sorry. Actually, I bet it hurt too since Sadie's a blackbelt. Sadie started to cry slowly, not in the pathetically obvious way, but in the silent, disappointed way. She refused to look at him. "It wasn't fair to do that, Tommy. Not to me, not to you, and not to Jude. You could've said no. I would've understood..." Sadie murmured in a soft voice. Tommy shot her a look, and Sadie nodded grudgingly. "Okay, maybe I wouldn't have understood. And maybe I would've been disappointed. But it would've been nowhere near as bad as this. Nowhere near as humiliating as finding out now that you never really wanted to marry me in the first place," Sadie said with an undertone of vengeance. I could empathize with Sadie, remembering how I felt when Tommy told me he was with Sadie again, how absolutely miserable I was.

At this, she looked up at Tommy. Her tear-filled eyes flashed fury. "You got my hopes up, Tommy. You led me on. You cheated on me. And, worse than that, you broke both of our hearts doing it. Mine and Jude's," Sadie stated bluntly. She crossed her arms over her chest, walking towards him. "Sure, break my heart all you want... But I thought you'd at least care about hurting your precious Jude!" She snapped venomously, moving threateningly towards Tommy. We both noticed that he took a noticeable step back, almost like he was threatened. I frowned; well, that was kind of a nice sisterly sentiment. As nice as I can really expect.

This time Tommy looked as guilty as a murderer. I knew he was tormented by guilt, but I never really thought he felt bad about what he did to me or my sister. It suddenly occurred to me that maybe he did. Either way, he didn't seem that affected usually. Tommy's a good liar, though. He's had years of practice in that family of his at hiding his emotions. Sadie smirked victoriously, but it was a hollow victory. For a moment, after the smile fell from her face, she just stared at Tom. She stared at him like she was looking for something that she couldn't find. She seemed at a loss for words.

Her hair was starting to come undone despite all of the careful hairpins and layers of hairspray. "I love you, Tom. I love you a lot. Enough to marry you. Enough to put up with your... behavior," Sadie replied, trying to stop herself from crying. It amazed me that she was able to have such control. Her make-up didn't even run. Even in breaking up, my sister was perfect. And then Sadie frowned, the sorrow suddenly blossoming and manifesting itself all over her face. "But I'm starting to realize that half of what I loved was my idea of you, and you're not really who I thought you were at all. I don't ever think I knew you, Tom. Not even now," Sadie admitted, spitting out the words slowly like it was difficult for her.

I wish I could say that surprised me, but it didn't. Not even close. I sensed Sadie's implication that, obviously, I knew him better. Tommy missed it. I can't exactly blame her, though. Tommy makes it hard. You have to slip in under his radar and break down his defenses a little. Plus it doesn't exactly help that I spend about twice as much time with him as she does.

Sadie wiped at the fat tears rolling down her cheeks. She looked so beautiful there, dabbing at her eyes with the back of her hand, moonlight shining down on her ivory skin. And yet, strangely enough, I didn't envy her. It was one of the few times in my life I haven't envied Sadie. The first time that ever happened to me was when I won Instant Star and everything in my life changed. Sadie shook her head, looking up. "And there was always this distance between us, this sense I had that something wasn't right... And it wasn't just you being unavailable. It was me, too," Sadie tried to explain, faltering when she couldn't find the words.

She sighed, suddenly finding them. "Because I never knew wholly who you were, and I can't love you for your faults. I can't love you in spite of what I don't know. I don't have that kind of faith in you, Tom. I could never love you completely," Sadie confessed. I think that was the most honest she's ever been with herself. And, in my mind, I couldn't help but contrast myself with Sadie. Once again I caught that hidden implication. I could. That was the difference between Sadie and me. I could and I did. I accepted his faults; I was used to them. I'd seen all the ugly of him hiding underneath the pretty exterior. I loved him completely, consumingly and all that... And I kept the faith. But I was done.

Tommy nodded slowly, but he seemed sort of wounded by this brutal honesty, the admission that she couldn't really love him that much. A part of Tommy deep down had depended on her for acceptance and love, I think, but she didn't really feel that way. Maybe he'd felt more for my sister than he let on. Obviously he must've liked her quite a bit to marry her. He wasn't that antipathetic to her. But Tommy seemed to understand. "Sadie, you and me... we weren't right, were we?" Tommy asked quietly, almost hesitantly. I wondered briefly why he needed the confirmation. He knew it was true.

Sadie smiled a little, letting out a breathless laugh. "No, Tom, we weren't..." She frowned, wrapping her arms around her middle. "But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt." Tom had the decency to look ashamed for that. Then Sadie's eyes hardened a little, despite the fact that they were swimming in tears. "I want know one thing, Tom, and I think I deserve to know. You owe me that much," Sadie requested, looking impossibly dignified. I had a sneaking suspicion that I knew what she was going to ask.

Tommy, the dumbass, didn't. So, like an idiot, he agreed. "Sure. Anything." He figures he owes her after what he put her through, and he does, but... honesty? Not his forte. Too risky.

My sister smirked a little, knowing she had him cornered. She could seriously ask him anything. Anything in the world, and he was obligated to answer her back. He could always lie, but my quick-thinking sister took care of that one. "And you have to tell me the truth." Against his better judgment, I'm sure, Tommy nodded again, a little slower this time. He probably thought she was going to ask some break-up question or something about his feelings for her. Tommy couldn't have been more wrong. "How exactly do you feel about my sister, Tommy? And remember, you can't get out of it. Tell me how you really feel," She questioned snidely.

I found myself waiting in the dark with bated breath. I hated the fact that I still cared, that I was still hopelessly curious. Tommy was stunned. Clearly the moron hadn't been expecting it, but my dear sister wanted some closure. I silently applauded her. Tommy looked hesitant, but he was trapped, and he knew it. He had to answer her, whether he wanted to or not.

And then my damned moron of a boyfriend walked out into the alley. I know because he glowed in the dark.

I seriously wish I was kidding about that, but I'm not. You should've seen how freaking relieved Tommy looked. I hated Taylor for that, and Sadie did too. She looked quite a bit put off, but she accepted it. "Well, it just figures... Doesn't it? That's a pretty clever way of avoiding the question, now, isn't it?" Sadie quipped irritably. She was more annoyed, really. Then, seeing Taylor, she got an idea, probably remembering a fight she'd witnessed between Taylor and me. Naturally, the fight was about Tommy. I say that because we have at least one fight about Tommy per date. Or something like that, even when I try and cut down on mentioning him at all. It was smart of Sadie to prey on my boyfriend's insecurity. "You know, we were just talking about your girlfriend and how my dear Tommy seems to be absolutely fixated on her. I think it's rather obvious he has feelings for her, don't you?" Sadie replied suggestively, pushing Tommy towards Taylor.

She wanted them to start fighting, I'm sure, but that wasn't what happened. Taylor seethed internally. Sadie rolled her eyes and shook her head, glancing at Tommy. "There, Tom!" She shouted dramatically, twisting off her ring and throwing it at him. Her aim was good; it hit him square in the forehead with a ping, leaving a small gash, before bouncing off one of the awards Tommy held. It landed in the gravelly dirt, falling in one of the cracks of the broken, molding concrete. "You can concentrate fully on my sister now! There's nothing left to hold you back! I hope you're happy with her!" Sadie shot back snidely, storming off. Normally I'd say I hope the same thing, but I don't.

I mean, I'm with Taylor, but that's not it. I guess I just need time. Time to figure out what I really want. Because I've had these Tommy blinders on so long I don't know anymore, and Tommy's out of the picture now... So things need to be reevaluated. I can't trust Tommy. Then again, I don't really want Taylor either. He doesn't trust me. I'd say Tim, but I don't know him. I think I just need a little time away from guys, period. I think I'll break up with Taylor then.

And not because of Tommy.

Well, actually, kind of because of Tommy.

But not because I wanna be with him.

Because Taylor will never trust me precisely because of Tommy, and what's the point in being with someone who can't trust you?

Needless to say, I was surprised when Taylor shot his brother a dirty look, picked up the ring (dusting it off on his jacket), and ran after my sister.

And then there were two.

I waited the prerequisite five minutes after Taylor left to head for my exit. Unfortunately, however, my favorite Quincy spotted me and ran after me. Ran. With the two glass awards. Desperate much? Naturally, however, I was even more desperate to get the hell away from him. So, never mind the stilettos and the sequins or my hair falling all in my eyes, I tore out of there like a bat outta hell. I ran for one of the conveniently placed limos in the vast parking lot.

Once again unfortunately, the one I picked was devoid of life- i.e. a driver. Which meant I was marooned. I was just about to sneak out of the limo when Tommy came in. And I was cornered this time around. Like a rat. "What are you doing, Tommy?" I managed in a somewhat level voice. "What do you want?" I continued defensively, even a bit bitterly. Then I finally turned around to face him abruptly. I blinked, surprised. His face was far too close to mine. "Don't you have some more hearts to break?" The words came out empty, devoid of their intended meaning.

Tommy shrugged, leaning in even closer to me. "The wedding's off, but I guess you figured that out already," Tommy explained. I nodded irritably. No duh. I saw it happen, dumbass. I rolled my eyes at him, glad I was facing the opposite direction now. No one, not even Tommy, can have a fight like that and still manage to stick it out, you know?

"Patsy said you two wouldn't make it to the ceremony, but I had no idea that the whole thing would be over in two weeks, give or take," I replied dimly. Makes me wonder if even she would've won that bet. Well, I probably would've bet on their wedding and many happy years ahead. I would've lost, obviously, in more ways than one. "I would've lost that bet." Talk about awkward.

Now that I was finally alone with a single Tommy, I just wished he would go away. That's not really healthy, is it? Tommy let out a low, throaty laugh. "For the record, I'm glad it's over. It's better this way," Tommy replied confidentially. Like that was something I wanted to hear. I didn't want to have to hear him make it even harder than it already was. No thanks. Funnily enough, though, I did agree with him. Brutal honesty's better than living a lie. Still, I knew it had everything to do with me, and I didn't want that kind of pressure.

I sighed, leaning back into the seat. The leather was, at the very least, comfortable. However, it was damn near freezing in the stationary, unheated car. Why did I have to pick the wrong limo? I had to pick the one whose driver was out on his cigarette break. Momentarily, I wondered where Sadie and Taylor had gone, but I assumed it was just home. I didn't really care, I reflected. Sure, I cared about Sadie. She was seriously hurting and might run out and do something stupid. But I didn't care if she did anything with Taylor. I felt no sense of ownership, not even the barest trace of the possessive jealousy that had always plagued me with Tommy. "Yeah. Now my sister knows how much of an asshole you really are, and she won't have you because you don't fit her perfect, preordained vision of what you should be."

Strange. That came out a lot more bitter than I intended it to. It made it sound like, well, for one like I'd heard what she said for him, and... for another... that I disapproved. I didn't disapprove, not really. I'd expected that reaction of Sadie. And I kind of envied her. She was able to just shut it off so much easier than me. I wish I could stop feeling that way about Tommy because he wasn't perfect. Unfortunately, that just made me love him more, and here he was, practically falling into my lap. Tommy regarded me with a curious look. "Huh. How'd you know about that?" He asked almost suspiciously.

I felt my heart race a little, but I turned away diffidently. I rolled my eyes calmly and tried to play it off. He mustn't know that I saw their entire break-up, pretty much. Or heard most of it, not that they were being even remotely quiet or anything. In fact, I think the whole Canadian music industry (and, I ought to say, perhaps some Americans) know that Tommy and his fiancée broke up because of his relationship with me, her sister. I'll be branded as a pre-homewrecker nationwide in the tabs this week. Joy. I kinda miss the times when I wasn't gracing the covers of so many tabloids. "It was only so obvious, Tommy. Remember what you said to me about dating a fan?" I stated as if only an idiot wouldn't know it.

The conversation in question we'd started shortly after I began dating Taylor. He pointed out that Taylor was, indeed, a huge fan of mine, all the while failing to see the irony in his relationship with my sister. It was all too easy to quote him. "It's flattering, but it doesn't last. Eventually you'll fall off their pedestal and they'll realize that you're not all who they thought you were. They're always more in love with your persona, the ideal... the face you show to the world... They love the idea of you more than they love the real thing, and that's something they just can't get past unless you knew them before," I recited from memory. He'd added that I'd wind up heartbroken, but I refrained from mentioning that since Tommy wasn't too broken up about it.

When he'd originally said that, I brought up him and Sadie, and countered by saying he didn't have a heart to break. Actually, I've said that to him before too. Tommy said it wasn't fair to say that like he says every time I say it, and I said it wasn't fair that he had a problem with me dating his little brother when he was dating my big sister. And that's when I called him a hypocrite. And implied that Tommy didn't care. It got kind of ugly. Tommy repeated his previous comment, and then there was gratuitous quoting of "24 Hours" which applies to everything in my life. Actually, it's my signature song. That and "My Sweet Time". "Waste My Time", "That Girl", and "Not Standing Around" are also contenders, but "24" is my best, oldest, and favorite.

When I looked at Tommy again, there was a faint smile on his face. Damn it. I said something right. "I'm surprised you remember that. You weren't too happy with me, if I recall correctly," Tommy remarked with a hint of amusement. I rolled my eyes at him. I wasn't too happy? Talk about your understatements. I was absolutely furious. I shrugged indifferently, wishing I could leave. I was so damn cold, and it was pointless sitting there with Tommy, engaging in pointless chatter about Sadie and whatnot. I didn't care anymore.

I decided to cut straight to the point. I didn't want to drag it out any longer. "What do you want, Tommy? Why are you here?" I asked abruptly, not mincing any words. I drummed my nails on the seat impatiently. Portia sure did one excellent manicure. The leather was soft and cream-colored, but it was cold.

Then Tommy looked at me, grabbing my chin gently, forcing me to look at him. And I knew exactly what he wanted. He said it out loud anyway. "You,Jude. I want you," Tommy whispered, leaning in towards me. His touch was so soft. And so misleading. So horribly misleading.

I jerked away from him. He wasn't Sadie's anymore, but I wasn't going to touch him. It was too soon, and there was the problem of Taylor and me needing to figure things out. And Sadie. It wasn't fair to her. "Don't say that," I denied in a hush, hating how my voice was breathy and my pulse quick. And that damn fluttering feeling in my stomach. But I couldn't, no, I couldn't. So I wouldn't, and I can't because it's wrong. And not right, and oh-so horribly, awfully, nastily wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong... but it's so tempting.

Tommy frowned lightly but moved towards me once again. I couldn't escape. His presence was overpowering. His eyes were dark, and I was on the verge of sinking into their watery depths. "Why shouldn't I?" Tommy hissed back. I could feel his breath on my skin. His voice changed, still bold, but more soft, considerate almost. "Why shouldn't I if it's how I feel?" I suddenly came to realize that he was half on top of me. I tried to wiggle out from beneath him, but it was far from successful. "There's nothing stopping us anymore, Jude. No Sadie in the way."

"Because it's a lie!" That was his way of trying to convince me, and it's safe to say it failed miserably. Because there was something to stop us. ME. I shook my head, pushed him away. "No, Tommy. No. I'm not gonna do this with you. Not now, maybe not ever. But especially not now when you just broke up with my sister!" I refused rather irritably. It was kind of insulting, made me feel all rebound-ish. Plus I couldn't do that to Sadie. Sometimes I think Tommy forgets she's my sister. Or maybe he just wants to. And then there's Taylor! His own brother! I am not going to cheat on him with Tommy, of all people, and finally do what he's been accusing me of. I refuse to give the two of 'em that satisfaction. But there was that maybe there. Damn that maybe. Damn that hope.

I tried to sit up more, but Tommy was still kind of draped all over me. He pouted adorably, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me towards him. "But I'm single now. There's no ring on anyone's finger. Isn't this what you wanted?" Tommy murmured in an almost whiny voice. He had a point there, but he'd also reminded me of something important. If you asked me last week, hell, even a day ago what I wanted most in the world, it would be this. But not now. I want to escape the drama, the vicious cycle, all that crap. It's not worth it, and there are so many other things I need to concentrate on and figure out. I'm not gonna waste any more of my time on someone who won't ever change. Who won't ever love me back. But yeah, it was what I wanted. Past tense.

I shook my head. "You're damn right, Tommy. There's no ring on my finger. Because I'm not married or engaged. And, since I'm not a slut, this can't happen. So, no, it's really not what I want," I retorted irascibly. I jerked away from him, landing on the floor of the limo rather painfully. I think Tommy smirked at that not-a-slut thing, but like I care. After all, he isn't exactly one to talk anyways, and, for all I know, I'm still a virgin. I like to think that, anyways. I blinked in surprise for a moment. Whoa. Had I just told Tommy I wanted to wait until I was married to have sex? Weird. Especially since I don't care about that, and I'm not one to adopt arbitrary moral attitudes for propriety's sake or sin or whatever. I mean, it's not like I expect Tommy to propose and mean it. Now there's a laugh.

Tommy was looking over the edge of the seat while I rubbed my head, and he was looking confused. "What?" He said, clearly not comprehending.

I glowered at him, somewhat annoyed. "I. Don't. Want. You. I don't want this. Is that clear enough for you, Tom?" I repeated slowly, treating him like he was an idiot. I sat up and started to dust myself off, preparing to make my exit. My shoes had fallen off, so I carefully put them both back on. I did all this knowing Tommy was staring at me in disbelief. I kind of enjoyed leaving him all flummoxed. I mean, wow, a girl not wanting Tommy Quincy? Don't think that's ever happened before. Must be new and scary to him.

Okay, I mean, I still want him. I can't exactly turn my feelings off on that issue. But not here. Not now. Not in an empty limo in the parking lot of some place swarming with paparazzos. The doors aren't locked, and the car isn't even heated. And he just dumped Sadie. I deserve better.

Regardless of whether I actually slept with Travis, at least there was a bed with blankets and sheets that night. Even if I was drunk. And it was my dirty room. And maybe Travis. I'm not drunk now, so, really, I have no excuse. Even if it is Tommy.

I started to rise, fully intending to storm out of the limo, but then Tommy grabbed my arm and sent me hurtling down to him. He tried to kiss my lips, but I turned my head. He missed, kissing my cheek instead. I tried to pretend I was unaffected, even tried to pull away. Then Tommy pressed his lips softly against my neck. "I wanna be with you," he whispered loudly and clearly, so that I wouldn't mistake it. The words sunk in, and I suddenly couldn't believe it. I must be hallucinating, clearly, because Tommy would never say that, especially not now.

"What?!" I gasped before realizing the words had passed my lips. He couldn't have said that.

Tommy turned so he was facing me and looked me straight in the eyes. He did that so there would be no confusion over what he was to say next. I held my breath, feeling anxious. His mouth began to open, and I bit down hard on my lip, anticipating the words I knew he was about to reissue. "I want to be with you, Jude," He declared huskily. His eyes sparkled, kind of like that fancy necklace in the Titanic. I was breathless, still in the worst disbelief. Tommy had not just said that. He couldn't have. But he did.

So I said the first thing that came to mind, which was, at any rate, most inappropriate. I didn't really know how to respond to that. I wasn't about to fall into his arms. Tommy may be charming, but even he's no Cary Grant. Naturally, I responded with that oh-so reliable anger. "Why is it every time you decide you want me, you feel the need to quote a pop song? I mean, c'mon, Mandy Moore? What's next, Tom?" I retorted, feeling exasperated. It was true, at any rate. Boys Attack! last time. "I'm a slaaave for you?" I sang mockingly. My eyes were like daggers.

I was real tempted to sing "Oops! I Did It Again".

Tommy scowled and leaned up to face me. He looked absolutely livid, probably because I'd driven him to peak frustration mode. "Because it's true, damnit!" Tommy bellowed. He grabbed my forearms, twisting to the side, and pulling me on top of him. "Because I mean it!" He snarled so ferociously it shook me. Then our eyes locked, and his were so dark and intense that it took my breath away. "Because I want to be with you," Tommy spat. And, just like that, it all fell into place for me. I got it.

Of course he wanted to be with me. Now, of all times. Naturally. I rolled my eyes. He just wants to have sex with me because now he can. There's nothing to stop him except me and my convictions. And Taylor. Damn that Taylor. It made me feel awful cheap, all right. "Oh, I'm sure you do, but you've already been there, done that. And we all know you don't really do seconds," I rejoined nastily. I made moves to get off of Tommy, since I was far too close to him for my health or comfort, but his hands firmly held my hips in place. He refused to let me go, and for the longest time he was silent, merely staring up at me with that dumb confused look on his face.

I smacked him in the chest irritably, wanting to get out of his vice-grip. Suddenly Tommy's eyes went wide with comprehension. He blinked in surprise. "You think this is all about me wanting to have sex with you, don't you?" Tommy asked in a surprisingly blunt tone. Once again, I rolled my eyes. Hello, limo? A car is like a motel on wheels. So obvious. Like it wasn't? Tommy obviously wanted to have sex with me, to "remember". For that matter, I wanted the same damn thing, but that wouldn't be healthy. Then again, is denying Tommy really that healthy? Tommy shook his head, frowning. "You don't get it. I don't want to have sex with you- I mean, I do, but that's not it. Not all of it, anyway. What I mean is that I... I want to have a relationship with you," Tommy blurted in a burst of explanation.

You could've knocked me over with a feather. Okay, so a part of me was expecting that, and I kind of knew that he meant more than just the fact that he wanted to hook up with me... But I hadn't expected him to just come out and say it like that, so very plainly and so powerfully out loud. And me, well, I couldn't say a damn word. Not even no. I could just stare at him, jaw flapping wide open like a flipping fish. He wants a relationship. With me. The thought was unfathomable.

I mean, Tommy Quincy wanting a relationship with anyone is one level of strangeness. But with me, that's just bizarre! It's a whole cake, really. And after being with my sister?

Is it absolutely terrible if I was really tempted to say yes? So horribly tempted I almost did it and actually said yes. God, I wanted to, though. I wanted to so bad. That might've been the stupidest or smartest move of my life. I can't really say. But I'll probably always wonder. And I'll probably regret it later, maybe always, and wish I'd chosen differently.

I assure you that in the last five seconds after making the decision, I've questioned the wisdom of such an idea well over a hundred times.

But I suppose I should tell you what I did, if you can't guess already.

Since I was effectively stunned into silence, Tommy took that as a positive sign and pressed his lips against mine. His lips were feather-light against mine, soft and pliant and warm. My eyes shut instantaneously, but I tried not to respond. I failed, naturally, because Tommy was so very persuasive. He slipped past my defenses, and before I knew it, his teeth grazed my bottom lip. His tongue deftly swept across the inside of my cheek. His fingers worked their way into my hair, gently undoing what hours of work had done. I think my insides actually melted, and I was gooey like a marshmallow fresh from the campfire, golden brown on the outside, hot and soft on the inside. And I was so happy, so blissfully, traitorously happy. Butterflies fluttered in my stomach, sparks flitted across every ounce of skin that touched his. My head was swimming in ecstasy, and my heart pounded in my veins. It was like a fire, and I felt golden. I felt absolutely wonderful, over the moon. Tommy really did want me after all, and all those glorious things.

Then I felt the leather on my back, and I realized that we had switched positions. I guess that was what made me snap out of it. I am not the kind of girl who loses her virginity in a limo, thank you very much! I mean, sheesh! It's not like Taylor dumped me or Tommy bought me a fancy necklace. I didn't even start stripping or anything! And I just couldn't lie there and enjoy it because I have class and morals and decency and self-respect and dignity.

So I shoved the pervert off of me so hard and so fast that he tumbled to the floor of the limo. I sat up so fast that the blood rushed to my head. "I can't do this, Tommy," I ejaculated urgently. Funny word, that. Ironic even. But I really couldn't. I hastily tried to fix my hair and swiped at my smeared lipstick. Tommy groaned, rolled over, and sat up on the floor. He stared at me in absolute bewilderment, so I cleared my throat. "No."

"WHAT?!"

Can't say I blame him for being surprised.

I kinda was too. Can't believe I've got that much nerve. Woulda never thought I had it in me.

I don't think anyone, before or after, had ever told him no. Not in general, but in the context of that question. Everywhere girls were jumping at a chance just to be with him, and I'd just rejected it flat out. Me, the girl of his supposed dreams. Forgive me, but for starters, I wasn't wholly buying it. After all, at the beginning of tonight the man would barely even speak to me, much less give me a second glance. I was pretty damn sure he was furious with me and completely repulsed by my behavior.

So I sighed and took a deep breath. "Tommy, I said that I can't do this. I... I don't want to be with you. I don't feel that way about you," I replied calmly, forcing myself to try and look him in the eyes. I couldn't, though, so my eyes scanned his face, anywhere but his eyes. Tommy saw right through me, though, like I was a pane of stained glass, tinted yet still horribly transparent. Admittedly, yeah, that last part was obviously a lie, as any idiot could tell.

Tommy grabbed my hand tightly, gripping it with both hands in a fit of desperation. His eyes blazed with rage. He was enraged beyond belief at my attempted lies. "That's a lie, and you know it! If you're going to say no to something you obviously want, at least give me a decent reason! A true reason!" Tommy growled, pulling me towards him. It took all my strength, but I held back. A good reason would've been his recent break-up or my sister's feelings or the fact that I was dating his brother.

None of that would've been the whole truth, though. They were all just really excuses, none of them the main reason. I didn't think Tommy would understand why I really objected. I wisely decided to change the subject. "You say that like I'm supposed to believe you when you've barely spoken to me all week! I thought you were disgusted in me. What changed your mind, Tom?" I hissed. Okay, so maybe I was kinda pissed. I just didn't understand where this was coming from.

His grip on my hand loosened, but his thumb started rubbing the back of my hand distractingly. His face turned dark at the thought, but he answered soon enough for me. He seemed too embarrassed to look at me. "When I saw you and Chaz... I was angry. A part of me was angry at you, but I was mostly mad at myself for putting you in that situation, for not protecting you... and mad at Chaz, for letting you do that. I couldn't really blame you for doing that when it was all my fault. And I was jealous, so jealous that my blood practically boiled," Tommy explained in a surprisingly quiet voice. I had to lean forwards to hear him.

At that point, I felt the need to interrupt. For obvious reasons. "Yeah, because Chaz came closer to having what you wanted than you did. On the floor of your apartment," I interjected testily. Tommy's eyes narrowed. I shouldn't have reminded him of that, but I couldn't help it. Memories of him being an asshole about it and accusing me of being a whore were still horribly fresh in my mind. Hell, I said no to Travis when he said he loved me and wanted to marry me and I thought he was Tommy because of a funny feeling!

He glowered at me, eyes damn near green with jealousy. "So, Jude, was it good with Chaz?" Tommy quipped meanly. My blood boiled, and, ooh, how I hated him for it!

I slapped Tommy across the face, hard. He wasn't expecting it. My hand stung. "What kind of question is that, Tom?" I was ignoring the fact that I'd virtually asked him the same thing after I found out about him and Ruby. But that's the difference between him and me. He actually wanted Ruby. I never wanted Chaz. Nevertheless, I gave him his answer. "You say that like I actually wanted to... to do that with him! I didn't! I felt like a whore, Tommy... Like I was no better than a prostitute. It was like being raped, but I had to fake a smile and pretend I was enjoying it even though I didn't want it and I thought I would die from it, and you were so ungrateful. But yeah... Other than that it was just gr-rreat!" I screeched, frantically trying not to cry. My words came out in one long blur.

My darling producer had the decency to at least look ashamed of himself for asking such a horrid question. He looked at me anxiously and tried to blurt an apology, but I stopped him with a finger to his lips, shaking my head. I motioned for him to continue. "And I realized that it was true, what Chaz said. You really would do anything for me, and I didn't appreciate that like I should've," Tommy whispered. "And I'm sorry for being such an asshole to you. You didn't deserve it." I sighed and shot him a look. Like I'm supposed to buy the epiphany when it's a week late? Tommy sighed. "Okay, yeah, there's more. The way you talked about me tonight, when you were accepting that award. I wanted to be that guy you were talking about... I want to see myself the way you see me. But I'm not that guy. And I guess, even when I try, I really can't be him, can I, Jude?" Tommy elucidated softly, looking up at me with all the vulnerability of a child.

And that got me. That really stuck in my heart like French fries and fattening meat to the arteries. I shook my head because it was all I could do. Did Tommy really think so low of himself? I had meant every word. They'd come out without even a single thought. I felt a sudden urge to reassure him, so I grabbed his hand warmly, smiling down at him. "Tommy, you're not a pedophile." That's what I said. I should've picked something better, but that was what came out. I'd reminded him of that awful fight with Sadie, and it pained him to remember. That was also when I should've told him I never slept with him in the first place. It would've been the perfect time, but I kind of liked that secret. It made me feel like we had something real between us, a little secret of our own. He didn't look soothed like I wanted.

I sighed, leaning over so I could properly look down on him. "I knew what I was doing, okay? I always have. And I wanted it. Pedophiles manipulate kids too young to say yes, too young to know what they're doing. They take without asking. You're no pedophile, Tommy, no matter what my sister said," I explained clearly. I didn't want to make it sound like I still wanted him or anything, but I had to keep the adjective bitchy out of my sister. At that, Tommy actually did look comforted, and I felt the tiniest bit better. I rolled over, lying on my back, and I stared up at the roof of the limo. I didn't let go of Tommy's hand. "And whoever said you weren't that guy, Tommy? It's not like I made you up," I quipped with an air of amusement.

I know the guy far too well because I could practically feel his smile widening. Tommy tugged impatiently on my hand, making me face him. He looked like he was expecting a yes this time around, and I was half ready to give it to him. "Jude, can you maybe give me an answer? I'm so sick of waiting," He hinted almost pleadingly. Then I remembered what he'd said, and I felt myself frown. You're not the only one who's sick of waiting, Tommy. But it looks like he's going to have to wait a while longer. Besides, I don't want him to get in jail. As long as I don't really do anything with him, I won't get him in trouble.

I exhaled raggedly and dropped my eyes to the leather seat, staring at our interlocked fingers. "I already gave you my answer, Tommy... I can't. No," I said weakly. I knew Tommy wouldn't believe that, but I found myself wishing he would. It would be so much easier if he did. I tried to turn away from him, but Tommy didn't let me. He was about to say something when I interrupted, saying the first thing that came to mind. "I don't even understand why you want to be with me anyways. You just got out of a relationship with my sister. And let's not forget the fact that I'm currently dating your little brother. You don't want to hurt him, Tommy, and this would be the unkindest cut of all," I wheedled with puppy-dog eyes, trying to convince him not to do it for Taylor's sake. But that didn't seem to work; as far as Tommy was concerned, brothers be damned in matters of girls. Hos definitely before bros.

Amusement flickered in his eyes. He smiled at me warmly, and I cleared my throat awkwardly. "Besides, I hardly believe you want to jump right into another relationship, especially if it can get you into prison. Remember, Tom, I'm not worth the jail time," I rambled with a self-deprecating smile.

That made Tommy growl. He got up on his knees so he could look at me, maybe even meet my eyes. "You are, Jude, or I wouldn't be asking," Tommy snarled in a husky voice so deep that it made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. He clasped my hand between two of his. My face felt hot and pink, and his hands burned my fingers. My thoughts raced at a feverish pace, thinking of another excuse. Who knew Tommy would pull a sudden 180 on me?

So I voiced my biggest objection next, the strongest excuse I could think of. Anything to make him guilty, to make him go away. Before I lost it and gave in like I wanted to. I bit down hard on my bottom lip and physically twisted my body away from him. I slipped my hand out from between his and felt the cold immediately. "Tommy, you don't love me, and I have absolutely no reason to believe you ever will. What's the point in setting myself up for one more heartbreak?" I exclaimed mournfully, fighting back tears. I exhaled softly. "Please, stop it, Tommy. This is hard enough for me as it is," I begged, unable to look at him.

I heard Tommy's breathing, labored and quiet, releasing bursts of warm air into the chill of the cab. He knew I had him there, and I could practically feel the guilt permeating off of him. Tommy didn't give up, though. It took him a while, so long I almost forgot he was there, but he came up with something. "I... I care about you, Jude," Tommy started promisingly.

At that, I sat up violently, whirling in on him. "Well, maybe that's not good enough for me, Tommy!" I snapped viciously. It wasn't. It was like winning third place, knowing he cared. You can care about anybody. Family, friends, acquaintances... I want more than just that!

Tommy looked down and continued, somewhat embarrassed. I was embarrassed too. I hadn't wanted to say that, much less like that. He took a deep breath. "I have feelings for you, Jude," He breathed. I gasped a little at that one. What is this, the night of revelations?

Then I remembered something that really cheapened the moment. Travis said the exact same thing. The day before he tried to rape me.

Thinking of Travis, I mustered up my best scowl and looked Tommy straight in the eyes. I was radiating rage. "Is that supposed to change anything?" I hissed with narrowed eyes and tight lips. I remembered the conversation I'd overheard earlier and found myself truly offended with him. "What about that girl you told Kwest about, huh, Tommy? The one you're falling for? What about her? You remember that conversation, don't you? When you said you didn't want me, but now you do?" I snapped. I wanted to see what he was going to say about that. He said he wanted to be with me now, and those were pretty words, but I wanted to know if he intended to cheat on me with that other girl.

Tommy turned pale, and for a moment I felt proud. "C'mon, Jude... I barely know that girl."

Rolling my eyes, I interjected once again. "She gets it, right? You can be completely yourself around her. You've got a connection. I know the drill, honey," I mimicked mockingly. I smirked, and Tommy looked guilty. Look at how easily his own words come back to haunt him. Bastard. "What am I, Tom, chopped liver?!"

Tommy frowned and shook his head abruptly, reaching for my hands almost frantically. "No, Jude, of course not. I was still angry then. I was lonely... Of course I feel more for you-" He was so pitiful that I had to cut him off. I had to because I couldn't bear listening to him anymore.

"No, Tommy. Enough is enough. You're only making things worse by trying to explain. Whoever this girl is, she's got to be better than me. And I know you just went with me because I'm the sure thing. So don't settle, Tommy. Go after her. She's the one you really want," I explained resolutely. Tommy shook his head and denied it. Maybe he really did want to be with me, but it didn't matter.

Even this didn't seem to damage his resolve. "I only want you, Jude. If you could only get that through your thick head, then we might be happy!" Tommy stated plainly, cutting me off abruptly. Wow. So this is what a heart attack feels like. Really, it's just one revelation after another, and I'm about to lose my mind here! I felt as if all the wind had been knocked out of me, and I didn't know what to say. I felt pretty damn cornered. He could tell me this, but he couldn't even admit to my sister that he had feelings for me?

My reasons and time were running out pretty quickly. So, in desperation, I resorted to bringing up that promise he made me. "You promised to stay away from me. What happened to that promise?" I whispered weakly. I felt as if all the energy in me had drained out.

He laughed slightly, smirking a little. "I never really intended on keeping it," He muttered. The wry smile stayed on his face. His eyes, however, told a different story. They were dark and intent. His grip on my hands was firm, almost desperate. "Don't make me, Jude." I took in a breath, and I knew I couldn't hold him to it. But I couldn't say yes either. So I just nodded and dropped his hand gently.

"My answer hasn't changed." Tommy nodded, understanding. I sighed. "I can't say yes to you, Tommy, you know that." He nodded dully and said nothing, but I knew he was disappointed, and I wanted to explain so badly. I still couldn't believe him, though. Fundamentally, nothing much had changed since he'd broken up with Sadie, least of all my feelings towards him. But my attitude had, towards giving him up against, and I guess I was a hell of a lot more confused. And angry.

"Why?" He asked simply.

Wow, I thought, I barely even know the answer to that myself. I just knew I had to do it. I literally had to. I sat up, leaning heavily against the seat, grabbing Tommy's hand for that extra bit of reassurance. It was hard to explain, really. But said it as best as I could. I'm going to break the cycle this time. I'm going to be free of him. "Tommy, if I say yes to you, then I say no to my liberty. I'll wind up back in the same damn vicious cycle, only I'll come out of it with a broken heart. And we couldn't be friends anymore. I need you in my life, Tommy. I need you as a producer and a friend. I need you to understand. But I also need my independence, and I can't have both you and my freedom."

He just nodded again, completely taciturn. But he seemed to understand. He smiled at me wistfully. "I would've promised you anything, you know... even a kingdom," Tom murmured almost dreamily. I flinched at his statement, and I knew I couldn't stay any longer. But I wanted him to keep a promise. So maybe I would make him do it after all.

I let go of Tommy's hand again, straightening my clothes. "Then I want you to promise me something, Tom." It came out ominous, but Tommy didn't notice. He looked almost excited that I wanted him to promise me something. He shouldn't. "I need you to promise me that you won't bring this up again unless I ask you to. That we won't speak of it. We can't speak of it," I urged him almost pleadingly. Tommy stared at me in alternating horror and shock. "We must forget about it." He stared at me uncomprehendingly, but I knew full well he understood what I meant. So I was forced to say it, and don't think I didn't hate myself for it, but say it I did. "It never happened." I repeated those three silly, self-denying stupid words like a charm. Abracadabra and it would all go away.

Just friends, I pleaded silently. That's all I can handle right now, and I'm not even sure I can do that. I remembered all those things I'd said after he got engaged to Sadie, the promises that we would be just friends and nothing more, the ultimatum I gave him, the resignation to a life without him in it in that capacity. It strengthened me just a little bit, but I knew I had to keep it now, and now it would be even harder with him single. Oh-so-single it hurt to think about it.

Tommy's eyes narrowed in disdain, but he nodded curtly. He obviously saw it as just another way I was throwing his words back in his face. I thought he was going to rip out something like "Et tu, Jude?" Fortunately, he didn't. His cobalt gaze was steely and cold, as were his hands clutching mine. "Fine. If that's the way you want it. It never happened. But first, let's at least make it a memory worth forgetting, shall we?" Tommy agreed ironically, eying me suggestively. I gulped nervously.

My dear producer, however, practically pounced on me. In all actualities, Tommy pulled me into his lap before I could protest. His lips slammed into mine, freely assaulting me. His kisses were hard and fast and took the breath right out of my lungs. And every kiss hurt just a little more. His lips trailed feverishly down my neck, applying the perfect amount of pressure. His wet tongue flitting over my sensitive skin. It was a deliberate, calculating maneuver to ensure that I would have a lovely little stream of obscenely red reminders, like a bunch of pustules, down my lily-white neck. Tommy is an evil genius. His fingers played with my hair, twirling strands of it. His hands on my cheeks, then around my neck, moving slowly down my arms, across my waist torturously until I stopped him dead in his tracks, cutting off his advances.

Obviously, I couldn't let it go on any longer. Tommy was either really trying to get his memory's worth, or he was trying to convince me I'd made a mistake. Nevertheless, I shifted in his lap, twining my arms around his neck and delivering an extremely passionate kiss on the lips. I kept at it until I had no breath left, and we collapsed on the floor, a panting, sweaty mess. For a moment, I let myself rest there, on top of him, catching my breath. I closed my eyes and just listened to the sound of his heartbeat, slightly racing but steady and sure, dependable, reassuring. And soothing. But I did that for only a moment, until the weariness lessened some, or, rather, until I could breathe again. Then I slowly rose, pressing a soft kiss to Tommy's lips before standing completely. "Goodbye, Tom."

He sealed his lips, sitting up slowly. I flashed him a weak smile and hurried out of the limo. Most of the limos were gone, so I called a taxi fairly quickly. I had to get home and check on Sadie, lest she think I was doing something truly inappropriate with Tommy, like nailing him. I told the driver to step on it and wound up paying him a hefty fee, which he fully deserved for not saying anything about my disheveled appearance or who I am. Since I was horribly flushed and messy, and my neck was properly marked up, I found the need to fix myself up a bit, so I climbed into my room, wiped away the make-up, and I changed into more comfortable clothing (that hid quite a bit) Then and only then was I proper and presentable enough to go visit my doubtlessly sobbing sister.

Hesitantly I walked up to her door, knocking quietly. When I didn't get a response, I tried the doorknob. It was unlocked. I took a deep breath before going inside, knowing full well that I was the last person other than Tommy my sister wanted to see now, of all times. Needless to say that we needed to have a sister-to-sister talk. A proper one, when Tommy wasn't hanging between us. Since she didn't seem to object, I slowly pushed open the door and slipped inside. Sadie was on her bed, sobbing quietly. I nervously plodded towards her, holding out a hand with a vague sense of trepidation. I approached her slowly. "Hey..." I whispered in what I hoped was a soothing tone. I carefully placed a hand on her back. "So, how do you feel?" I questioned in a weak whisper.

Dumb word choice. Sadie's head jerked up abruptly at that, and she glared at me through eyes brimming with tears. "How do you think I feel, Jude?" She remarked sharply, shooting me a look that could've peeled the bark off even the hardiest tree. My sister paused deliberately as her face curled up into a scowl. I felt somehow responsible for it, as I suppose I kind of was, wasn't I? "Like my fiancé just dumped me because he never meant to marry me in the first place. It was all one giant mistake!He never loved me, Jude... and I feel like no one else will either!" Sadie lamented. Her voice was hoarse and all over the place, hysterical.

I frowned at Sadie, wondering why she took the thing with Tommy so personally. No matter how much she loved him, my sister has never had any trouble getting a guy. She could walk around oblivious and millions would fall for her. I cleared my throat awkwardly, not quite knowing what to say to that. I wanted to deny it, as was the obvious truth, but I couldn't. Instead, I merely looked down shamefully, rubbing Sadie's back in a clockwise motion. "Sorry... Dumb question," I murmured apologetically. I wasn't exactly helping things, was I?

"I didn't hear you come in," She sniffed. I just shrugged helplessly. I couldn't very well tell her I snuck in through my window to avoid her, now could I? She glanced up at me, frowning. "Why are you even here anyway?" Sadie snarled bitterly, giving me a dirty look. "Shouldn't you be out celebrating with... Tommy?" She managed before her voice broke on his name. The tears started up anew and in a fury.

I wanted desperately to say something to comfort my sister, but I couldn't think of anything. I tried to rub her back, pondering what she meant. Why on earth would I celebrate with Tommy? I mean, I know it's kind of a shared triumph, the award, but it'd be dumb to do it without my sister and boyfriend. Plus, like I trust myself alone with Tommy. I'm not stupid enough to believe that I can, even now when I've REALLY sworn him off. For reals this time. "Celebrating the award?" I questioned somewhat awkwardly, gazing at Sadie anxiously.

Sadie glowered at me through her tears, slapping my hand away angrily. "No, celebrating his newfound freedom!" She exclaimed loudly. I couldn't tell if she was being sarcastic or not, which worried me. In addition to that, I felt guilty as sin. In a way, I kind of had. I'd rolled around with Tommy in the limo. I didn't... do anything worse, though. At least. Not that I could feel much better about that. I knew this would be bad, but I didn't think it would be this PAINFULLY awkward. "It's a big deal... the award," Sadie muttered a few moments later, wiping at her eyes. Her eyes were bloodshot and swollen.

I shrugged noncommittally, sitting down gingerly on the edge of Sadie's bed. Readily, I wrapped an arm around her, forcing myself to look her in the eyes. Sadie let me. That was a good sign. "No, Sadie. I'm where I should be," I affirmed. I hugged her, sweeping her hair over her shoulder gently. I smiled a little. "Besides, the award was kind of cheapened for me. It's can't be happy when my sister's miserable," I explained warmly. My intention was to soothe Sadie, and I wasn't even lying. I had felt no happiness in her break-up with Tommy. I couldn't enjoy it when it had made everyone so miserable.

Admittedly, okay, I kind of knew it was coming. I know it's what's best for everyone. Sadie and Tommy would never have been happy together. I know that, and deep down Sadie knows that. I was miserable too, but I could've dealt with that if I knew they were both happy. And I knew I was always that wedge between them. I tried to back off and stay away, but it never really worked. I just feel so bad that them breaking up is pretty much entirely my fault. And over something so trivial as Tommy hugging me twice. In public.

That was the wrong thing to say. Sadie dragged her fingers through her hair, glaring daggers at me. Her lips curled into a sneer. "Please! Be my guest! Be happy! Don't stop on my account! You've been waiting for this moment since the day you found out we were together!" Sadie proclaimed far too dramatically, rage dripping off of every word. I hung my head but took it without any outbursts of emotion. She moved away from me, gesturing about wildly. "Go on ahead. Tell me 'I told you so', laugh in my face... I give you my permission," Sadie spat, voice heavy with self-loathing. I felt chills go up my spine.

Of course I couldn't laugh at my sister or tell her "I told you so." Like I could go ha-ha-ha at her! I am quite possibly the worst person to mock her. I mean, I couldn't make fun of her and relish in her pain. Me, of all people, who knows the horrible things Tommy can do to your heart better than almost anyone (except, perhaps Portia)! I'm no one to talk. I warned Sadie about him for her own good, but also partly because I was so jealous I could barely stand it. I shook my head, needing to clarify it as soon as possible. "No. He broke your heart. I'm not one to rub salt in a wound, Sades... No one deserves that, least of all my big sister," I whispered honestly.

That was it, basically. He broke her heart, but not quite like he'd broken mine... and that was all that mattered. Sadie shook her head, looking more than a little confused. Man, we have a screwed up relationship. "You told me he would. You warned me, and I didn't listen. I thought... I didn't think it would happen. But you were right. You knew," Sadie restated in a pained voice. I could tell she was really going around in circles on it, and I understood completely. Every girl likes to think like that until the break-up.

I reached out to hug Sadie again, noticing that the tears were falling down her face in hot waves. "I didn't want to be right, Sadie. But I was expecting that. Experience. He did it to me so many times that I could just see it happening to you... And I wanted something better for you because you deserve it. I wanted to stop it from happening, but I couldn't, and you wouldn't listen to me. I'm sorry, Sadie. I should've tried harder, and..." Here I paused for a moment, unable to mention it. I didn't want to go there, to open up that can of worms. But I made myself say it. "I shouldn't have come between you two."

There, it was out in the open. I held my breath, waiting for a reaction. Probably an impending explosion. My sister, however, surprised me. "Don't be sorry, Jude. It would never have worked out," Sadie replied in a strangely calm, matter-of-fact voice. She smiled weakly, waving it off dismissively. I'd always admired Sadie's ability to compartmentalize. She could compress while all my emotions were stitched unto my sleeve. "It wasn't even you. I was dumb enough to go after Tommy when I knew you... when I knew he was such a big part of your life. I as much as picked that fight with him. Hell, you probably saved me an embarrassing one-to-two year marriage and painful divorce," Sadie remarked, sounding strangely blasé. I couldn't help but smile at that.

It was strange. Sadie had gotten dumped, but she was... comforting me? Well, I also helped her out of a million or two in a settlement (and a freakishly adorable baby or two). I don't quite know Tommy's net worth. I know he's still getting royalties money, in addition to the nice chunk of change he pulled off from the tours and merchandise and CD sales from Boyz Attack!'s glory days. In addition to the money I'm sure he's gotten from appearances and such, not to mention his trust fund, G. Major paycheck, the money he makes off of his artists' album sales, his real estate holdings, and the wonderful investments I'm sure he's made. Sades shook her head. "Besides, it was my own damn fault anyways. I didn't want to believe you... I wanted to believe that I'd finally found it. I think... I think I knew all along that it would happen," Sadie admitted. It was easily the most honest we'd been in a long while.

Sadie sighed, regret heavy in her countenance. "I just wish you told me it would hurt so much."

Now, that was something I couldn't have told her. There aren't words for that kind of pain, for what Tommy's put me through. Which is a helluva lot. I shrugged, trying to play it off. "It fades, eventually... To a dull ache. It flairs up again sometimes. I guess I forget about it... when he smiles at me," I murmured somewhat dreamily. I was so used to pain from Tommy that I knew I could take it. I mean, right now... Anything could happen to me, just about anything, and I know I'd be okay. So Tommy breaks my heart once more. Am I any more hurt, any more affected? I know I'll just forgive him again in the end.

My sister looked at me, and I think it's the first time I've ever seen her truly impressed... of me. In a lot of respects, I'm stronger than Sadie. I think it's that I'm less willing to live a lie than she is. I've always gotta face things head-on, you know? I just keep charging on. Sadie bit her lip. "Does it ever go away?" She asked softly.

I let out a hollow laugh, smoothing her hair. "The pain of a broken heart courtesy of Tom Quincy?" I had to bite back the "Little Tommy Q". Sadie nodded anxiously. Then I snickered, shaking my head no. "For me... No. I've been a goner from Day One," I elucidated mirthlessly. It was a kind of pathetic position to be in, embarrassing even, being Tommy's fool.

"Great," Sadie quipped sarcastically. Her shoulders sagged, but I was glad to notice that she'd stopped crying. Somehow I doubted that. For a moment she stared at me as if in disbelief. "You know, Jude, I'm not strong like you. I can't take all the heartache a man like that has to dish out. I can't throw it back in his face like you do. I can't make him feel... anything," Sadie muttered, sounding defeated. Funny. I never thought about it like that, but I could take everything in his arsenal. I'd never imagined I threw what he'd done to me back in his face. Maybe I did. But I didn't like to think of it like that. Made me feel like a bitch. Sadie gaped, shaking her head in sympathy. "It must eat you alive to see him every day."

I know what my sister thinks. I know that's how she'd feel, but it's not how I feel. Seeing him doesn't really hurt. It's a reminder of what I can't have, sure. It's been painful sometimes, like when he told me he was back with Sadie or when "it never happened". That's the closest it's come to eating me alive. Those days right after... But I was more angry than hurt then. I shook my head abruptly. "It never has." Wow, I'm sick. It's like I like pain or something. "And I'm not strong. I'm just sick enough to keep coming back for more and dumb enough to forgive and trust him all over again," I stated blankly. Sadie was smart to ditch him. I've been trying to do that since he reeled me in.

To little to no success, I might add.

Sadie sighed pitifully, sinking into her pillow, pulling the blankets around her. She didn't look at me, and it seemed clear that she'd retreated into her own little world. "I was going to be his wife, but now that's never going to happen. What if I'm alone for the rest of my life?" Sadie pondered aloud, sounding more lost than I had ever heard her. I was used to her always having it together, never doubting herself. Sadie having a crisis of confidence was something I was wholly unprepared for.

I blinked, still surprised. I was the ugly duckling here. Hell, Tommy had still put the ring on her finger, not mine! How could she think she wasn't wanted? I pushed down the scoff that was building up in me. "You, alone? Please! You were meant to be married. You've practically got guys crawling all over you. I know that there's a million guys who would kill to have you on their arm. Screw Tommy. He's never been the marrying type... and he had no right to string you along," I declared in a too-bright tone, hoping she would get the message.

She just needs to get over him. Once she meets another guy, she'll be fine... It's best to put your mind on another guy when it comes to Tommy. Distractions are best. Only if they rival the original. Taylor does not. Now, who do I know that's Sadie's type and the marrying kind? I frowned, thinking it over, and then got a sudden idea. My eyes lit up and I grabbed a pen and paper from Sadie's nightstand. "Hang on a sec! I'll give you Chaz' number. He's single, and I know he's marriage-minded... plus he's really sweet, and I know he thinks you're hot... Plus you totally made out with him at that concert when you were fourteen and-" I was about to say his ex was back in town so he needed to get his mind off her, but I thought the better of it. They're both on the rebound. What can it hurt?

Sadie shot me a vile look that clearly meant business. She drew back. Naturally, I was too busy jotting down Chaz' number for her to notice this. "You never wanted us to get married! It wasn't in your plan, so you..." Sadie cried, pointing a finger in the air. I froze. She chooses now to bring this up?! NOW?! Why now? I thought she'd forgiven me.

I saw a momentary flash of red. Plan? My plan? Since when was I the domineering sister here? "Just come out and say it, Sadie! So I what? I sabotaged your engagement?! That's what you want to say, isn't it? No! I'm with Taylor. You and Tommy were, I thought, happy together... and I was happy for you! Why would I ruin that?" I snarled, standing up abruptly and moving away from my sister. I threw the number at her, dropping the pen down on the floor. I had half a mind to storm out of the room, but it was at least partially my fault so I forced myself to stay.

The look in Sadie's eyes said she knew exactly why. Jealousy. Obviously I wanted Tommy. I hadn't exactly been the best sister lately, ever since him, really... She stared at me with such resentment in complete silence, but she didn't get externally enraged. Finally, after an eternity, she muttered something. "Because he chose you," She said resolutely, crossing her arms at her chest. Her eyes were boring into the floor. "Tommy picked you," Sadie repeated for emphasis as she brought her eyes up to look at me.

Wha? I blinked in confusion. He did no such thing. I'd know if he did! I offered him that so many times, and he always picked Sadie over me, but I was still there on the sidelines waiting around like a lost sheep. I shook my head defiantly. "He never chose."

Sadie shot me yet another dirty look. She rolled her eyes at me, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "But he's always picked you over me, and I was just too dumb or too unwilling to see it," Sadie grunted. I shook my head so hard my world spun a little. I knew Sadie was giving me another "duh" look, but I shook my head so I couldn't see it, even if it made me dizzy. "There's a reason you've been to his place, slept over even... There's a reason you know his family, and I don't. There's a reason you found the ring, and I didn't. There's a reason you were invited to his house for Christmas. It's that strong, symphonic connection that you two share," She pointed out bluntly.

She sighed as I continued to deny it. "You don't understand, Jude. I made him choose, okay? I gave him an ultimatum, and he picked you."

That was where I couldn't listen to any more. She might've done that, but it was a lie. "You're mistaken, Sadie. You asked Tommy how he felt about me, and he couldn't even answer. He doesn't love me any more than he loves you. Alright? I know 'cause I heard it from the horse's mouth. So trust me when I say that if Tommy really wanted me, he'd be with me now. And he's not. He was with you," I countered with a bit more vehemence than I'd intended. I hadn't realized that I'd just revealed overhearing their conversation. If Tommy really wanted me, he'd convince me. He wouldn't take no for an answer. He only thinks he wants me.

Surprisingly, my sister played Devil's advocate, taking Tommy's side. "What if he was scared? People get scared?" She checked with a quaver in her voice.

I smirked, shaking my head again. "Tom Quincy does not get scared. If he wants something, he chases it, and he gets it. He had a choice, and he chose you in the end," I corrected. I was about to end it with the chase comment, but that was untrue. Tommy had, in some ways, chased after me. But he didn't get me in the end.

Sadie stood up, planting her hands firmly on my shoulders. She looked me hard in the eyes, and it occurred to me that my sister was stronger in a different kind of way, a flinty Plexiglass sort of way. Rocks could smash into her, and she would crack, but she'd stay together. Or maybe that's how I'm strong. I just mean that Sadie didn't show her cracks. She seemed fine on the outside, whereas everyone knew it when I fell apart. I was surprised by her unusually confrontational style. She was usually secretly bitchy, making snide, pointed comments.

"I'm gonna tell you something, Jude, and I'm only going to tell you this once, so you better listen up. That man. Loves. You. Okay? He might not know it yet, because, let's face it, Tommy's as dense as brick... And he doesn't know the first thing about love or healthy relationships, but someday, mark my words, he's going to realize it, and he's going to come to you, bearing what he can of the heart we both know he's got... And if you say no, that's it. No second chances. Tommy will close off to you like a clam, and you'll never get back inside. Be patient, and you've got Tom Quincy in the palm of your hand if you want him."

She said it so matter-of-factly that I was impressed. Especially since she'd just broken up with the guy. "We dated for six months off-and-on, got engaged for two weeks, and he chose you over me in the end because he wanted you more. Despite every reason in the world not to, Tommy's thrown his lot in with you. You're dating his brother, six years younger than him, illegal, and work under him. And he still wants you," Sadie said even a bit rudely. She backed up then, hands dropping off my shoulders.

Once again, I had to disagree with her. Sadie stopped me before I could disagree with the statement that he loved me. Pure insanity, I assure you. Besides, it'd be years before Tommy ever admitted that, even if he was. In addition to that, there was the awful creeping sensation I had that maybe I'd already turned my back on Tommy. No second chances. That didn't seem fair to me, though, because I'd given him a million. "The ring was on your finger, Sades, not mine. He could have had me in a minute if he wanted. He didn't. It has nothing to do with either of us, Sadie. It's about Tommy and his issues. Tommy chose himself in the end. He chose his freedom," I continued in much the same no-nonsense tone as my big sister.

Sadie was about to interrupt, but I cut her off. It's true. Tommy chose being friends with whoever he damn well chooses and sleeping with anyone he wants to bang. He didn't choose fidelity and monogamy. As for me, Tommy burned his own bridges there. "Before you say I'm crazy, I overheard him and Kwest talking about this new girl Tommy's falling for. He can't commit. He can't even stick to one girl, Sadie," I blurted, briefly enjoying the look of surprise on her face. That, needless to say, was enough to shut her up.

When she finally spoke again, I was surprised. Of course Sadie knew he'd been cheating. He'd just told her. So my sister nodded like a martyr. "Yeah, I know... He said as much, at any rate. I just... didn't think he'd fallen for someone." She sounded more than a little shocked. But I was the one about ready to be stunned. Sadie looked down, picking at her quilt. She shrugged diffidently. "I guess I can't blame him," She muttered distractedly. I was disappointed in how accepting she seemed to be of his infidelity. I, at least, did not go so easy on him. She sighed heavily and looked up at me nervously. "Tommy and I didn't have sex," Sadie confessed, almost as if embarrassed. Her face was actually red.

Once again, you coulda knocked me the hell over, and I wouldn't have even swung a punch. WHAT?! I mean, hello, she dated Tommy... How did they never? My mind was racing with thought after thought, synapses connecting in disbelief. I swallowed, unable to speak for a few minutes. Strangely enough, though, I was relieved, and I guess it did explain a lot... Still, it made me wonder how far they'd gone, if I'd gone further with him and so on... "Oh. I always thought..."

Sadie fixed me with a severe look, crossing her arms over her chest sassily. "I know what you thought. The whole world knows what you thought," Sadie hissed a bit icily. It was understandable, since her name was now a synonym for whore. I felt a pang of shame... I hadn't thought that Sadie was... Much less after dating Tommy? "But I'm still a virgin." That, quite possibly, surprised me even more. Sadie's had a boyfriend for as long as I can remember. For a moment I just gaped, feeling my own face flush in horror and embarrassment. I felt like THE world's biggest bitch. And I'd vilified Sadie.

But eventually I managed a smile, even though it was a shaky one. "Oh, me too... I'm sorry. I was feeling spiteful," I whispered apologetically so that she could barely hear me. Sadie's jaw dropped.

"Wait... you never slept with Tommy either?" Sadie gasped. I smirked and shook my head. Man, I've really got everybody fooled here, haven't I? I guess I deserve that, though. It doesn't hurt coming from Sadie. I mean, now both of us haven't slept with him like that, and so we're not playing that awful game of Guess-Who-Nailed-Tommy. "The v-v-video?" Sadie sputtered. I shook my head, feeling the need to explain.

I bit down on my lip. "I hate that song. I didn't want to do it. The label made the both of us, and the directors and crap..."

Sadie frowned, staring up at me in confusion. She played absentmindedly with a strand of hair. "But Tommy said... If you didn't, why does he think you did?" Sadie wondered, looking positively bewildered. My face literally burned. And I probably looked like a cherry. Just peachy. How on earth am I gonna explain this to her?!

"Because I told him we did. And he believed me."

Okay, so it was really that simple. My sister's brow furrowed. She looked completely confounded. "Huh? I mean, what do you mean? But why would you-" Sadie stuttered, still in disbelief. As if I wasn't already flushing down to my roots. I swallowed hard, deciding to explain as quickly as I could. The faster I did it, the less she heard, and the less I was embarrassed.

"Because he broke my heart. It was the week I came back... that Thursday. We went to his place to talk, and Tommy was drunk. He kept coming on to me, but I would push him away because he was so wasted. And I didn't want him drunk. He kissed me a couple times, said a thing or two, and I helped him up to his bed. He wanted to have sex with me, but I just helped him undress, tucked him in bed, and sang him to sleep. Then I left. Tommy was so drunk he didn't remember what happened, so when the next day he told me he'd gotten back with you... I was completely crushed. I knew I had to lie to him, and I could either say that nothing happened or that something did, and I chose to overexaggerate. I was so shattered that the only thing I could think of doing was hurting him as badly as he'd hurt me. So when he asked, I lied. I told him we had sex. And it made me feel better," I rambled so quickly that the words ran together.

Understandably, this was a lot for my sister to take in. A lot for anyone to take in, really, but it was quite a relief to get it all out. To FINALLY tell someone. I know someday Tommy'll find out, and it won't be pretty. I waited with bated breath for a reply from my sister. She just stared for what seemed like an eternity, but she didn't look sad or furious with me. Finally, after about a million years, Sadie spoke. She looked absolutely flummoxed. "I... wow... Just... wow." I rolled my eyes. Real intelligent, Sadie. She was numb with shock, but I could tell she was just as relieved as I was. She exhaled with a little laugh, applauding me. "You've given him a taste of his own medicine, so bravo!" Sadie exclaimed. That, I suppose, was what she admired about me.

After that, Sadie hugged me tightly, and she said she understood. She was glad we'd gotten all of this out in the open and happy that we could move on from the drama. I was wondering what kind of nice alien had taken over my sister's body and made her forgiving. I could tell, though, that she was still all broken up about it. She said she just needed some time to deal with it and begged that I leave her alone. All in all, I was glad to leave her, and desperate to get news of Tommy and their break-up out of my mind. Before I left, though, Sadie shouted something after me, "Oh, yeah... You might not want to call Taylor for a while!" I froze. All that chaos and I'd forgotten about my supposed boyfriend? Yikes.

I wondered briefly what Sadie had said. I was sure she'd said something, and I was probably right. Then again, he was just as likely to be pissed for Tommy-related reasons, so it was better to pin it on that. Taylor will find any excuse involving Tommy to mistrust me. And this one is actually legitimate. I shrugged nonchalantly, not really caring. Taylor was stressful, and I just wanted to escape for a while. So I quietly dressed in comfortable clothing in my room and put on some fresh make-up.

Out of sight, and out of mind, right?

So what if there's no second chance, and I've lost him forever!

I decided that it was maybe time for another drink or twenty. Screw that no drinking thing. I mean, seriously, what else can happen? If I ever needed a drink, it would be now. All my normal drinking buddies were generally out... Patsy, I knew, was previously engaged ("I intend to be screwing all night long", she'd remarked blithely, adding that she'd take me out later to celebrate if I did win). Clearly Chaz and Tommy were out of the picture, and Speed and the guys had an important gig tonight. It was also Jamie and Kat's date night, so I didn't want to interrupt that... and, of course, Joan doesn't drink. And Tim probably has plans at this hour, maybe even with his girlfriend, so... I'm not going to call him up and risk catching him in the middle of a date.

I suddenly remembered the offer I'd been given earlier and started to smile. Maybe this night could be salvaged after all. I pulled the scrap of paper out of the waistband underwear, glancing down at the number. I tried to memorize the numbers before deftly dialing all of the numbers. I waited anxiously as I heard the phone ring three times. Pick up, pick up, pick up! Finally, after what seemed like forever, I heard a low, scratchy voice answer the phone. "'Lo?"

I smiled. At least one thing was going right for me tonight. "Hey, Jeff. This is Jude Harrison, you know, from earlier? Anyways, I was wondering if you're still free... I'd really love to hang out with you."

And I did.

Loren ;

Review. Seriously. Please. I want them. Think of it as a Christmas present for me, just like this chapter may be a Christmas present for you (if I don't post before then). Very cheap, too. Only a couple of minutes of your time, which, heck, if you've read the entire chapter, you've already wasted more than that on me and this story. ;) Anyway, if I don't post before then, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah (I know it's a little late), Happy Kwanzaa, and a Happy New Year!