Originally Posted: May 27, 2016

I never intended to pull a six month hiatus, but it just happened. This was another one of those chapters which I just couldn't think of anything to write for. I had no idea how I was going to include this particular event from the game for the longest time. I considered nixing it all together considering how much I'd already deviated from the ocean level of Super Paper Mario, but this particular event was a major point in the game and I felt it wouldn't be right to completely excise it, so I tried to find a way to work it in and this is the result.

To think I started writing this in 8th grade and now I'm about to graduate high school… reading my old pre-chapter entries to this story is like looking at an eerie snapshot of me from the past; like I almost can't believe I wrote some of this stuff. It's so surreal reading how excited I was to get 1,748 views at chapter ten… I've surpassed 26,000 now and I still can't quite wrap my head around it.

Thanks for anyone who bothered to stick around for the six month hiatus and for everyone who has supported my fan fiction over the past four years. Finally, I'd like to thank Recursive Sweatpants (formerly Yoshermon), who though I've thanked privately, have never public acknowledged as being the creator of this story's title image. I feel that it's time to give proper credit as well as a public thanks for your contribution.

Ed, Edd n Eddy's Quest for the Pure Hearts
Thirty-Eight: Marooned at Sea

To ends of the earth… we'd run… and run… and run…

"Hey Ed, how many licks does it take to get to the soft, buttery center of a candy pop?" Eddy asked as exaggeratedly loud as he could.

"I don't Eddy… um…" Ed pondered for a moment, before yelling in response, "Twelve?"

"One!" Eddy answered eagerly. "Because it only took one good 'lick' to the face to break Kevin's tough outer shell and show everyone that he's just a big, soft woos!"

Eddy and Ed burst out laughing; the two making sure that their hysteria was loud enough for Kevin, who was sitting by himself at the bow of the ship, to hear.

"Wait, wait!" Eddy said, trying to shush his friend's laughter. "I got another one Ed. What makes Kevin and a carton of eggs the same?"

Ed crossed his eyes and pouted his lip in deep concentration. "Don't tell me; I think I got this one thunk," Ed declared as he thought over the joke. "Um… they both like to wear pants. No wait- chickens!" The tall, smelly Ed-boy decided for his response.

"No you nitwit," the shorter Ed-boy replied jokingly. "They both got 'beaten' and 'served' by Double D before breakfast today!" At the conclusion of the joke, the boys once again broke out into an endless stream of laughter.

Suddenly, Ed stopped laughing as if struck by realization. "Wait, I think I got one Eddy! And boy is it a good one," Ed said anxiously.

"Well let's hear it then, monobrow," Eddy replied with a sniffle.

"Well, okay…! So, what kind of gravy would Kevin use to baste his turkey?" Ed said slowly, trying to think through his joke.

"Gee, I don't Ed. That same stupid brand that you like?" Eddy guessed.

"No, Eddy!" Ed replied as though it were obvious. "Kevin wouldn't eat another bird, because he's a chicken!" He shouted back enthusiastically.

The two boys both broke out into a fits of laughter at the punch line of Ed's so-called joke. "Ed, that joke was the dumbest thing I've ever heard!" Eddy managed to choke through stifled giggles. "But you're not wrong! He's such a chicken!"

"I LIKE CHICKENS EDDY!" Ed called out in between his laughs.

Kevin had tried his best to ignore the two. After his humiliating defeat last night, Kevin had hoped to forget about the whole experience and spend the rest of the voyage in his own company. Of course, the two clowns of the cruise (though it was more so Eddy's idea than Ed's) had decided to start telling a long string of jokes delegated at his expense, making sure the jock was in earshot for each and every one of them.

The worst part about the whole situation was that there was nothing he could do. When Double D had fought back the previous night, Kevin realized he'd been outclassed in terms of fighting by everyone on board. No way could he take on Ed or Eddy the way he was now. Adding to this, no one else on the ship was particularly eager to put a stop to Ed or Eddy's tomfoolery. Sure, the puns had gotten old and annoying after awhile, but the humans and koopa seemed more than content with putting up with some horrible jokes if it came at the expense of Kevin's already broken ego.

"Oh wait, here's a good one Ed!" Eddy said with a gasp, struck by genius. "Why shouldn't you throw stones at old Shovel-chin?"

An additional voice suddenly interrupted the two's mirth. "Because we wouldn't want to shatter Kevin's fragile ego?" Double D said with a smirk as he guessed the punch line of Eddy's predictable pun.

Eddy frowned and looked away. "I was gonna say pride, but whatever… spoil sport," Eddy muttered under his breath.

"As absolutely riveting as these puns have been, I'm afraid it's time for you two to resume your duties onboard the ship," Double D said matter-of-factly.

"What! C'mon! Kevin's right over there!" Eddy pointed towards Kevin who still refused to give the Eds the satisfaction of his acknowledgement. "And I just thought of like a bazillion more jokes that I HAVE TO throw his way."

"Sorry fellows, but the mission comes first," the cap-wearing Ed-boy replied with a cheeky smile. "Ed, you can go help Mario fix a leak in the storage haul below deck."

"Yessiree, Double D, with a capital 'E'!" Ed replied nonsensically before rushing to the ship's storage hull.

"Eddy, you can go down there too and help Nazz take inventory," Double D ordered.

Eddy snorted. "Who died and made you team leader?"

"Executive decision, Eddy; I commissioned the ship to my specifications so the duties shall fall unto me to run it," Double D explained proudly. "Now go and help Nazz, if you will."

"This is stupid. We know exactly how much food we have left! I could count the number of meals we've eaten on my hand!" Eddy complained as he retreated below deck.

Once Eddy had disappeared from view, Double D turned and looked out at Kevin. He let out a long sigh, conflicted over how to handle the situation with him. He wasn't even sure he wanted to intervene. He quickly tried to convince himself that his services would be needed at the helm; 'No, I know perfectly well that Princess Peach and Mario are perfectly capable of controlling the ship.' He lamented. As much as he wished, there was no avoiding this long awaited conversation.

Double D walked across the deck of ship and sat next to Kevin at the bow. "Amazing isn't it?" The genius asked, trying to break the ice. "It' a perfect day for sailing. I suppose that's irrelavent as our engine is working in tip top condition, but the prevailing winds are perfect and the current humidity and temperature are telltale signs of pleasant atmospheric conditions for clears skies over the next couple of days which certainly never hurt anybody. Why, if the estimate our informant gave us is correct then we could be there tomorrow, heaven forbidding any engine malfunctions."

"Hmm…" Kevin grunted, uninterested in small talk.

"We're going to find our guide, Tippi, soon; and she'll help us find the next Pure Heart. She's kind, rational, level-headed… kind of like a more mature version of Nazz now that I think about. I think you'll like her Kevin. It's a bit weird talking to a multi-palette anthropomorphic insect at first, but she's really no different than us."

Kevin didn't respond. Double D speculated this had something to do with their brief skirmish last night… or maybe it had to do with Nazz…? 'No.' he concluded with a simple epiphany. 'It's more than that right now.' Upon closer examination, the quick-witted boy realized the jock was staring off at the menacing void out by the horizon. Double D had nearly forgotten about the anomaly; he and the others had long ago grown use to its looming presence.

"Everything is going to work out, Kevin," the Ed-boy stated reassuringly. "The Earth won't be gone forever. That conundrum in the sky can be reversed if we work together. Don't give up hope." Double D suddenly went stern. "But… we need to work as a team, and your actions last night showed me that you were nothing but a burden towards our mission. Is that still the case today?"

Kevin didn't bother to face the sockhead boy as he spoke. "How can I help? Clearly I'm too weak to do much of anything. Last night showed me that."

"You're a lot stronger than you think, Kevin. Despite what you may believe from last night, your muscular capacity still far surpasses my own. The difference is I know how to use what little strength I have to my full benefit. You could learn to use what you have been gifted with to your full benefit too, but you won't learn anything unless you're willing to cooperate."

Kevin still didn't respond, but he seemed to be emotionally shaken from the one-sided conversation.

"I'm willing to put our past behind us, Kevin. I will accept responsibility for my actions in the scams I partook in that went awry. For any harm or humiliation I have afflicted upon you in the past, I truly am sorry. However, it's time for you to start taking responsibility for your actions as well Kevin. Having power doesn't give you the right to be a bully and I would hope that if nothing else, you understand that now."

Double D waited for a response, but when he found Kevin had nothing to say he simply sighed. "I'm willing to start instructing you in combat once we locate the Pure Heart and return to our hub, and I'm sure Mario and the others would be as well. I won't force you to train, but if you refuse, we will have no choice but to leave you behind at our inter-dimensional headquarters while we go on to recover the remaining Pure Hearts." He calmly stood up. "Think about it," the intellectual boy added before wandering off to check the back-up sails and examine the engine.

Once more, Kevin was left to his own devices.

…

A humid mist hung in the air, painting Kevin's face with heavy dew which mixed with the already present sweat that beaded on his skin. With an exasperated groan, the jock began fanning himself with his baseball cap. How on earth it could be so hot and sticky during the middle of night baffled him, especially so far out at sea. He wiped the sweat from his brow, trying to maintain his concentration on the expansive horizon.

He'd been stuck on the watch-guard duty since around midnight. Nazz had callously awoken him, and deciding that she had had enough of watch duty, ordered him to replace her. Not feeling that he was in any position to argue after the events of the night before, Kevin begrudgingly took up the position.

The only other person on board who was still awake was Double D, working tediously as ever while manning the ships course at the helm, while occasionally rushing off to check the engines every half an hour or so.

"Doesn't that dweeb ever sleep?" Kevin muttered to himself as he watched the Ed-boy rush out of the helm and down to the engine room from his look perch.

Suddenly, Kevin felt a light spatter of water plop onto his arm. Another drop fell onto his nose, spattering the cool liquid against his face. The drops continued until a light mist of rain had settled.

"Perfect…" Kevin muttered as he turned the rim of his baseball forwards, which he usually wore backwards, to shield his face from the rain. "What am I even supposed to be watching for?" he asked himself. "There's nothing out here in this stupid ocean except us."

Looking back over the horizon, Kevin saw a small shape lingering in the distance. It was hard to distinguish in the blackness of the night, but as the ship drew nearer to it, the silhouette began to grow in size and eventually began to spread across the entire horizon. It could only be… "Land…"

"Hey, Double D! I can see-" Suddenly the whole ship was rocked with a resounding explosion and the vessel seemed to freeze in place. Kevin was lurched forward by the sudden stop, and barely saved himself from being launched off the mast. The ocean craft began to sway awkwardly in the sea, no longer propelling through the water with forward momentum. Once the loud boom and had silenced, a faint sputtering noise could be hear emanating from the once proud engine. The machine began to grow quieter and quieter until, with a final resounding cough, it died.

The only sound left was the gentle swooshing of the ocean waves, knocking gently against the boat.

Suddenly, Double D burst from the engine room, covered in a fine layer of soot. "I don't understand it. I recalibrated that engine every hour on the hour and it was fine until now. It didn't just die on its own… And that headache-inducing stall that lurched the ship forward- Oh, something aberrant is at fault here but I just can't place my finger on it! Why if I only-"

"Double D!" Kevin cried as he slid down the ladder from the observation deck to the awaiting Ed-boy on the main floor of the ship. "What's up with the engine, man?"

"I don't believe that the engine is what's at fault, something has-"

Before he could finish his explanation, the egg-head was interrupted by a stream of people bursting out of the cabin area, demanding an explanation for the sudden malfunction.

"What the heck did you do, Sockhead? I got thrown up against a wall in there!" Eddy screamed, absolutely livid.

"This stupid boat nearly got me killed! What the heck did you put together that engine with, because it's a piece of junk?" Sarah protested, equally abhorrent.

"What happened? What's going on with the ship?" Mario demanded to know, growing increasingly worried about the state of the mission.

"People, people! PLEASE CALM DOWN!" Double D shouted back, trying to calm his teammates with mixed success. "Our engine is not the perpetrator. I hypothesize that something has manually taken a hold of our ship and lodged us in place; perhaps it's an old line of chain or an obstructive coral reef below the surface of the ocean. The sudden stress of the stop must have been too much for our poor engine to bear, and thus it ceased to function."

"Are you telling me we're marooned?" Eddy shrieked indignantly.

"More or less," Double D admitted.

"Well surely can we repair it, right?" Princess Peach inquired.

Double D sighed. "Probably, but who knows how long it could-"

"You don't need to fix the engine!" Kevin interrupted. "There's land right over there." He pointed out towards the skyline. Indeed on the horizon there was a small black line against the deep, cloudy sky, indicating land.

The group squinted, trying to make out the land mass Kevin was indicating, but they couldn't find anything of note on the horizon. "You're eyes must be broken, Shovel-chin. There's nothing out there but more stinking ocean."

"Yeah, I don't see anything," Nazz agreed.

"But it's there! Are you calling me a liar?" Kevin fumed.

"Liar… stupid… ugly… It all means the same thing, Kev," Eddy replied bluntly.

"You just can't see it from here!" Kevin insisted. "You can only see it from the top of the mast. It's only a little bit out of view!"

"Even if that's true, how the heck do you expect to get there you bozo?" Sarah asked heatedly.

"Oh come on! It can't be that far. We can just swim it," Kevin suggested.

"Actually Kevin, swimming would be hardly appropriate for our given situation," Double D corrected. He then began to explain the impossibilities of Kevin's proposal to swim the remaining distance. "The true horizon is always located approximately two point nine miles from any given point on Earth, and since the land you sighted can only be seen from the mast, that would add another tenth of a mile. So the continent is probably still three miles away, of course that's assuming that whatever mass we're on is spherical and proportional to the Earth in terms of size. For all we know, it could be much farther."

"So we're boned," Eddy groaned.

"Yep," Sarah replied in an equally flat tone.

"Perhaps not," Double D mused. "We still have our sail, after all." He quickly wet his finger with his spit and held it in the air, searching for a breeze. After a couple seconds, the boy sighed wiped the spit off on his shirt. "But not a single prevailing wind, I'm afraid. Oh… I was hoping we'd avoid a situation like this."

"So, we're still boned," Eddy repeated laconically.

"Yep," Sarah added, equally as disappointed.

Mario groaned. Nothing was going right in this dimension. First, they lost Tippi; then, they had been delayed by Bowser; and now, the ship's engine and sail had been rendered useless. The mustached hero wasn't sure how much more he could take. "There had to be something we can do!" Mario insisted, hoping Double D was at least tentatively considering a new solution. "We can't just sit here; Tippi needs us!"

"I'm afraid we're at the mercy of breeze, fellows," Double D answered.

Ed's eyes widened. "The winds have grown angry!" He concluded. The Ed-boy suddenly grabbed Bowser without warning, and hoisted the koopa king into his arms. With his massive strength, Ed held the king outstretched above himself. "We must appease the mistress of the sky, for she has forsaken us!" Ed retreated to his knees and bowed in submission, the oversized koopa still clutched high above his head. "Please accept this humble offering, for he is both the largest and the coolest member of our Pure Heart Posse!"

"Put me down! Let me go! How dare you try to use me as a sacrifi-" Bowser paused, realizing what Ed-boy had just said. "You think I'm the coolest member of the group?" He asked, both flattered and disturbed over Ed's willingness to sacrifice him for being, in the Ed-boy's eyes, the coolest member of the group.

"Ed, put him down this instant," Double ordered.

"I'm sorry Double D," Ed muttered, gently setting Bowser back on the ground.

"What're you apologizing to him for? I was the one who you offered up to the sky as a sacrifice…" Bowser muttered to himself.

"And what a shame that would've been," Mario muttered in earshot of Bowser.

"Look, let's all just calm down," Double D insisted. "Fighting will not solve our problems, and it certainly will not make our ship move. I'll take a look at our engine and see what I can do. Meanwhile, maybe the winds will pick up and then we can-"

Suddenly, another explosive crash rocked the ship, tipping the nose of the ship violently towards the water below then pulling the rear end of the ship back down with a violent jolt. The boat's occupants were rocked off their feet, leaving them scrambling on their hands and needs as the boat was pulled back and forth, and up and down.

"This can't be good for the engine!" Double D said in a panicked voice.

"I think the stinkin' engine is the least of our problems right now, Sockhead!" Eddy screamed.

"TIMBER!" Ed suddenly yelled, pointing skyward. The group looked up, and noticed to their horror that the mast of the ship had begun the splinter against the violent shaking of the sea-craft. The crack grew into a giant split until finally, the mast tore off at the base of the gash and tumbled downwards. The heroes scurried to safer spots at the ship's bow and stern as the wooden trunk smashed into the deck of the ship, tearing its floor in pieces before tumbling off the side of the ship and into the sea.

The center of the top deck now lay in fragments, revealing that the hull of the ship had begun to take water, flooding the storage area and washing away all the group's supplies. The ship and its wears were totally beyond saving; the damage now threatening to split the boat into two halves.

"We're boned! WE'RE SO BONED!" Eddy yelled, grasping what was left of the splintered deck for balance.

"What's going on, dude," Nazz yelled to Double D amidst the chaos.

"I'm not sure! The ship was fine until… this couldn't possibly be a reef…" Double D stuttered, no rational explanation coming to mind. "Maybe… well no, that can't be-"

"AAHHH!"

Nazz had suddenly screamed and pointed off the side of the ship. The rest of the crew turned their attention seaside, and were met by a long, slender figure that had risen from the sea. The figure pierced through the hazy mist of rain that surrounded the nighttime sky, hovering ominously over the boat. As it lumbered closer to a shattered boat, its identity became apparent. The figure was a pearl-white tentacle, tall as a five-story building and perhaps the same diameter as a subway tunnel. At its end, the tentacle flattened out and was fitted with hundreds of suctions cups the size of home satellite dishes.

"What the heck is that thing?" Sarah bellowed.

"It's that monster the blue, spiky guy told us about," Nazz returned in a panicked voice.

"Oh… why didn't I think to equip this vessel with lifeboats or life preservers?" Double D lamented fearfully.

"WE'RE 'F'-ING BONED!" Eddy shouted one final time.

While the kids themselves were dumbfounded by the monster, Mario, Princess Peach, and Bowser knew exactly what creature that tentacle belonged to. It was a blooper, a species of what squid with conical heads and black smudges around their eyes like bandit masks. Bloopers were particularly renowned for their speed and strength, moving like a propulsion jet through the water. They often grabbed onto their victims with their eight limbs and held them in their grasp until they either drowned or suffocated by their tight grip.

Like all cephalopods, bloopers could theoretically grow indefinitely with almost no size cap. However, most bloopers never lived long enough to grow beyond the size of a human child. Mario himself had only ever encountered four bloopers larger than that, three of them confined by the coast of Delfino Island and one in the sewers of Rogueport. This one however clearly had obtained the secret to eternal youth because its tentacles had reached the size of small buildings. The three adults could only imagine how massive the blooper's body was…

They suddenly had an idea as to why this particular passage between the two continents was devoid of coastal towns and commerce via sea route. In retrospect, all the warning signs that this pathway was unfit were blatantly obvious and that rogue pixl's warning should have been taken more seriously; not that any of that mattered anymore. It was too late for 'if's; the ship was sinking fast.

"We need to abandon ship!" Mario shouted.

Kevin gasped. "Are you nuts? There's a kraken in the water for crying out loud! You expect us to swim with that."

"This ship is going down, and either we're going down with it or we're getting out of here!" Mario added, pointing at the ever quickly submerging ship to emphasize their peril.

"How do we know that- OVER-SIZED PLATE OF SUSHI… won't try to pull us under?" Sarah spat.

Mario didn't have an answer. Would the giant blooper try and go after them? Hopefully not… After all, it clearly saw the ship as its prey. It probably wouldn't even notice the bite-sized heroes swimming through the water. And if it did, so what? What would a couple of tiny morsels have to offer that giant monstrosity that a boat sized prey could not? Despite his rationalizing, the portly hero still wasn't sure if the monster would attack them or not.

Suddenly, three more tentacles rose from the water and surrounded the ship. "We have to go now! This boat won't stay afloat much longer!" Princess Peach hollered.

Mario took one last look at the northern horizon. "Everyone abandon ship and swim north. We'll meet at the shoreline." He ordered.

The children remained hesitant. "But we-" Suddenly one of the raised tentacles launched itself at the ship smashed into the helm, shattering the vessel's means of control. It suddenly became clear that the time to abandon ship was nigh.

One by one, each of the heroes threw themselves overboard and began to paddle like crazy towards the far away shore as the ocean liner was dragged beneath the sea to the waiting arms of the giant blooper and a watery grave.