Vincent
It really happened.
I totally lost it. I lost the one I love. I totally lost Catherine.
What happened? Everything went by so fast. Catherine made the decision so fast. Or maybe she was already decided not to give me a chance that made her say no in an instant.
It hurt so bad I could no longer hold my head high. I felt like the old Vincent. Sad and alone. Ever since I met Catherine, I had this new life that I always know where to go or what to do. But this time, I no longer had a sense of direction.
Sometimes, in one of my night walks, I just kept going and going and totally forgot where I was headed. I was like Hugh Grant in one of the scenes from the movie Notting Hill where he was just walking and walking and four seasons had passed. Ah… that movie was one of our DVD date nights.
The courage that I gathered and prepared for to see Catherine just flown away when I saw two traveling bags packed and ready. Where was she going?
Did I hurt her so much that Catherine had to leave town? She could not even tell her sister where she was going to. Donations? Come on! She was up to something. Catherine was running away.
I wanted to know her plans but I could not bear watching Catherine packed her stuff and looked at her sad face.
I wanted to knock on the window and get some answers but I was afraid she would push me away again and I would just hurt myself even more.
So, I ran away and got nowhere to go.
"I think we still got aspirin and Advil in the medicine cabinet. There, in the bathroom."
What was JT talking about?
Oh, yeah. I was dripping wet. I had another Hugh Grant walking moment and did not notice it was raining. But how did JT knew how fucked up I was? He had his back on me. JT got sixth sense now?
"How are you, JT?"
"Are you sure you are asking me that?" He managed to face me this time. "Look at yourself. Was that how bad it is? I mean, it was a bad break up but who doesn't? Man up, V. Embrace the consequences. You were able to handle the fear of your life for ten years. I am sure you can manage this heartbreak."
I understood what JT was trying to imply. I guessed I could not handle my heart and my brain to be on the same page. It had always been on the opposite sides. Why could I not just have JT's perspective in life? Maybe that was another purpose of having him around and that I would be forever grateful for.
"So, after everything, you just want me to give up."
"No. Of course, not. I mean, would you? All I'm saying was give it a time. Embrace the consequences means face the fact that you hurt Catherine and respect her silence. Remember, time heals all wounds."
Was this the space that JT wanted for me and Catherine?
I could even consider this fire escape my new home. From dusk 'til dawn, they say. Catherine was gone. I could not miss her because I was here sitting all day and knocked on the window all night. I had seen Heather a couple of times but not Catherine. Where did she go to?
I could have waited longer the last time I was here. I could have known what her plans were because JT refused to help me contact Catherine telling me that this would be healthy. How could it be when I was going crazy with no idea where she had gone to?
All of my frustrations in this lifetime covered and surrounded me. From the pain when I lost my brothers, the torture I felt when my life was ripped away from me and now losing the person who gave me hope that there would still be a future out there for me. The only one who gave me reasons to live and believed that no matter what I had become… who I am makes everything worth it.
I had never felt this broken for a long time. All I could feel was the pain streaming down my face and wishing it was the rain again.