A/N: I hoped you guys enjoyed reading By All Means as much as I enjoyed writing it. If you haven't already, check out my newest story, Give In To Me. It's a little bit more adult, mature and heavier than By All Means, so I really hope you can enjoy it just as much as you all enjoyed By All Means. I thank you guys SO much for reading, seriously. THANK YOU. I plan on starting a new story soon, maybe within the next few weeks or so. Leave me reviews and tell me what you guys thought of the entire story, please. I know it may seem like an abrupt ending, but I don't believe in dragging my stories along at the expense of my readers. I'm a firm believer in ending something when it's right, and I have decided to end By All Means on a light note, so I don't take away from the personal aspect and integrity of the story by stringing it on for many more chapters. Again, I deeply appreciate all of you guys' readings and comments. Thank you so much.
"…Mom, how do I put this on?" I untangle the wires and take off the strap of the breast pump. I really think I might just stick to formula or something. This thing looks too complicated. "Where does the Velcro stuff go? Does this go… around my back? Or…." I hold it up and stare at it. I don't get any of this. "MOM!"
"I'm coming, Demi!" She yells back. She comes into the living room on command. "Why are you trying to pump right now? Is she hungry? When is the last time she ate?" She takes the pump away from me and fixes it so that the Velcro and elastic bands are the way they should be.
"Uh… I don't know if she's hungry…." I admit. Damn. I'm a crappy mother already. I should know if my baby's hungry, shouldn't I? "I just assumed…" I bite my lip. "I mean… I fed her a couple hours ago at the same time I ate. And I'm hungry now… so maybe she's hungry…" I know that's shitty reasoning, but that's really the only justification I can offer.
"A baby's belly is much smaller than yours, honey. So usually, she'll get hungry a lot faster than you will. But if she's not fussing and crying, she's not hungry. She's still asleep, so let her sleep." She sits down next to me with the breast pump and screws suction cups on the tubes. "Since Sofia's gonna be staying with us permanently now, we need to put her on a schedule."
"Okay…" I grab the pump off her and look at it in confusion. "How do we put her on a schedule?"
"She's asleep right now. Which means when she wakes up, she won't go to sleep again for a while. When she wakes up, feed her. Newborns usually eat every 4-6 hours. She's going to be on breastmilk, so for that sake, we'll feed her every four hours until she doubles her birth weight." She takes the pump off me again and pulls up my shirt. It's kind of weird how my mom is so good at this whole baby thing. I know she's had three herself, but it's still surreal. "So I'll let you wake her up at one so you can feed her. You won't feed her again until five. At nine, she'll have her third bottle. You get it?"
I nod and look down, watching her set up the pump. She pulls my sports bra up and puts the suction cup over my nipple. "How do I know when she's tired? Like… is there a certain time she has to go to sleep?" My mom switches the pump "on" and I feel the cup contract. It feels weird. Like someone's really sucking on my nipple. I wonder when Joe's gonna be back from the store. I wanted to go with him, but I can't lift anything heavier than twenty pounds so I wouldn't have been much help at the store.
"She'll let you know if she's sleepy." She straps the pump around my back so that it stays on. "You'll learn her cries, honey. You'll learn them. You'll learn which cry means she's hungry, which cry means she's in pain, which cry means she's tired and which cry means she just wants attention. You'll learn. She's your baby, Demi. Some things you'll just know."
"…Okay." All this talking about Sofia is really making me miss her. "…Where is she?"
"She's sleeping in Carlo's playpen. Don't worry. Dallas is keeping an eye on her."
"…Can you go get her?"
She looks at the bottle bag attached to the breast pump. "You can turn off the pump and take it off. You have enough in the bag to feed her when she wakes up." She stands up and turns off the pump for me. "I'll be right back. Don't detach the bag until I get you a nipple, a ring and a bottle to transfer the milk into. I'll tell Dallas to bring her to you." If this whole breast milk thing wasn't the healthiest thing for Sofia, I think I'd stick to formula. Carlo was on formula and he's alright.
"Okay." I rest my head down on the couch and sigh. So many things are running through my mind. I love Sofia to death. But I can't help but worry that I made the wrong decision by getting her back. What if keeping her wasn't the best thing? I'm going to be a horrible mother. I can feel it. I couldn't even tell when she was hungry for crying out loud. And I just took her away from Dr. McLean's family. I don't think anyone will ever love her as much as Joe and I do, but still. I can only imagine the pain they're going through. How can I be so happy to have my baby, yet feel so lousy about the way I went about it?
"Sofia missed her mommy…" Dallas walks into the living room with my little pink bundle of perfection in her arms. "She kept asking aunt Dallas to see mommy." Dallas sits next to me. I look at my baby in her arms. She's so perfect. "Demi, she's perfect. She has the most perfect little lips and nose. You better be careful with her. I know a couple people that would steal a perfect little baby like her in a heartbeat." She bends down and puts my baby in my arms. I don't know what it is about this eight pound little girl, but she just takes away every doubt I have in my mind. I'd do anything for her, that's for sure.
"So say that like Carlo isn't an adorable little thing." I give Sofia a kiss on her lips and put her head on the crook of my arm so it's supported. The doctor had to teach me how to properly hold her.
"I know my baby's cute. Nobody even has to tell me. I know he's cute." Dallas leans down and picks sleeping Carlo up off the loveseat. I can't believe how big he is already. I remember his birthday like it was literally yesterday. He's nine months old already, busy crawling around and getting into everything. And if you're within his reach, he WILL bite you with his two little teeth he has in his mouth. "My baby's gonna he a heartbreaker." She kisses his cheek and moves his long, light brown hair away from his face. The kid could really use a haircut, but Rob won't allow it.
Looking at the mother my sister's become really gives me hope. I remember how nervous and apprehensive Dallas was when she first brought Carlo home. My mom had to teach her how to do a lot of things, like make his bottles and give him a bath. For the most part though, motherhood came naturally to Dallas. Either way it goes, I hope I could be like her. She knows just how to handle Carlo. She knows how to comfort him while he cries, exactly what he wants when he does cry, and he never fusses for too long because she has the right touch to get him to sleep. She's a really good mom, everything I hope I am to Sofia.
My mom comes back with a blue bottle in her hand. The bottle has little pictures of basketballs, footballs and baseballs on it. "Demi, we really need to go shopping. We can't use Carlo's things forever. This isn't even the right bottle to but breast milk in." She detaches the bag from me and screws the nipple and ring to the bag. She pops the bag inside the actual bottle and hands it to me. "There are certain kinds of bottles to but breast milk in, and this isn't one of them. Plus, do you really want your baby walking around drinking out of little boy bottles?"
"…I know." I sigh. "Just let me feed her…" I put my hand out for the bottle. Dallas leans over to me and adjusts Sofia in my arms so her head isn't hanging so loose. "I think Joe went to get her some things. He wouldn't tell me exactly what or where he went, but I think that's where he went. Denise went with him, so I think that's where." My mom hands me the bottle. I really wanted Joe and I to go shopping together, but he really insisted that I stayed home. "Speaking of Joe…." I put the bottle down on the table next to me and rub Sofia's back to wake her up. "I told Denise that I'd bring her by today…"
"Demi, you JUST got her home." My mom leans down and brushes Sofia's hair out of her face. "I don't think you should take her out today. She's a newborn. Don't drag her out so soon. If Denise wants to see her, she can come over here. You don't even have a proper car seat for her. Carlo's is much too big for Sofia."
"Mom, I have to take her to see Joe's parents…"
"Demi, you're not taking her out of here today. You don't even have a car seat for her. She's a baby, not a toy. If anybody wants to see her, they can come here. Stop acting like she's a toy. She's a baby, and she WILL get sick. You heard what the doctor said about her immune system as it is."
"She's MY baby, though. If I want to take her places, why can't I? It's not like I'm dragging her out to go sit at the park or anything. You and dad aren't her only grandparents. They want to see her too… it's not fair for them to have to come here if they want to see her. You let Dallas take Carlo to see Rob's parents when he was two days old." Dallas shoots me a "what the fuck" glance. She doesn't really like to be brought into issues that she has nothing to do with, but it was necessary to prove my point.
"Carlo wasn't almost given up for adoption, Demi." My mom takes the bottle and rubs the nipple along Sofia's bottom lip to get her to open them up.
"What does that even have to do with anything? Sofia is my baby, legally…" I snatch the bottle off her and hold it to Sofia's mouth. I can feed my own damn daughter.
"I'm not arguing with you over the baby, Demi. You asked me to help you learn how to be a mother, and I'm helping you. It isn't smart to take the baby out. It's not safe. Now if you want her to get sick, drag her out. If you want her to stay healthy, leave her in this house. Dallas will tell you herself that it's not right to drag a newborn out this early."
"Why though?! She's fine! She won't get sick…" I lower my tone down a little. "Carlo was TWO days old when they took him to see Rob's parents for the first time. And he was born in the WINTER. At least it's fall. And Sofia's almost a week old… She's fine. I'm taking her to see Joe's parents later today." I actually am getting annoyed at how everyone thinks they know what's best for MY baby. I'm her mom…
"DO YOU WANT SOMEBODY TO TAKE HER FROM YOU?!" Finally, my mom gets fed up with arguing and just yells at me. I felt that one coming anyway. My soft caressing her back isn't what fully woke my baby up. It was my mom's loud yelling that finally did the trick. She's looking up at me with bright, golden brown eyes now and those eyelashes that make me melt.
"What are you even talking about, mom?" I look up at my mom then back down at Sofia. She yawns so big that I see her gums and tiny tongue. She snuggles her face into my arm and sighs. "Nobody's going to take her. I won't let anyone…"
Dallas finally chimes in. "We weren't going to tell you… because we didn't want to worry you…" She touches my shoulder. "But when we left the courthouse the day you got her back… me, mom and Eddie heard James say something to your doctor about how he had this lawyer friend that could get her back for him at any time…"
"…They can't do that though. Can they?" I look up at my mom. "They can't do that. It's settled, isn't it? She's mine. Why can't they just back off?" I hold her against my chest and rub her back some more. "They can get another baby. Why do they have to have mine?" I cradle Sofia in my arms s if I can protect her from anything. "They can't take her back off me. Why do they even want her so bad?"
"Oh, I dunno. Maybe because she's so gorgeous, she'd go for a couple hundred grand in the black market." Dallas tries to lighten the mood with her heavy sarcasm. It works, because my mom laughs and so do I. "I'm serious though, guys. She's gotta be the prettiest baby on this Earth." She looks down in her own arms and brushes her finger against Carlo's cheek. "Aside from Carlo, of course."
"I know my baby's pretty." I kiss Sofia on her cheek and hold her up. "Say 'I get it from my mama.'"
"Seriously, Demi. Put her in modeling or something. She's too cute." Dallas reaches down and touches Sofia's hair. "With her pretty little eyes and her eyelashes. What'd the doctor say was wrong with her, again?"
"Nothing's wrong with her!" I did take offense to that. Nothing's wrong with my baby girl. She's perfect in every way. "But she has a couple gene mutations… that's all." I kiss her on her cheek. "She has this mutation thing that makes her have two layers of eyelashes. And the same mutation makes her eyes so dilated. It's all mutations… from Joe." I'm honestly just glad none of her problems were more serious. She has a double layer of eyelashes and extremely dilated pupils, resulting from the fact that Joe was never supposed to be able to make her. Thankfully, the fact that I drank while I was pregnant didn't affect her permanently. She had trouble sucking on my breast the second day of her life because of it, but that's the full extent. If you ask me, I think the double eyelashes and the big eyes make her prettier.
"You have the most perfect baby girl, Dems."
"I know." I kiss Sofia's nose. "Can't believe I considered letting her go. I don't wanna live without my little nugget." Fia closes her eyes and nestles her head in my chest. "Dal, how did you ever stop kissing Carlo? All I wanna do is kiss my baby." I giggle.
"Easy. I didn't." She laughs. "Rob thought I was nuts. All I did was kiss him. I kissed his feet, his toes, his cheeks, his nose, his eyelids…" She pulls Carlo's little hand up to her mouth and kisses his fingers. "I still kiss him."
"I don't think I can stop. She's just so… kissable." I rub her back and rock her a little. "And she's all mine. I don't have to share her with anybody…"
"Except Joe." She chuckles again. "Speaking of… how's he doing with her?
"He's good with her, as far as I can tell. Yesterday night, he got up with her twice. And he fell asleep in the chair with her in his arms. He's like… in love with her. I don't blame him. I'm in love with her too. But Joe's like… CRAZY over her. He gets all snap-happy. She's only a week old and his Instagram is LOADED with pictures of her. I have to basically beat the camera off him half the time. I definitely think Sofia's brought Joe and I closer, though. It's just weird, Dal… Cause like…" I run my fingers through Sofia's hair. "I'm not the same person I used to be. He completely changed the kind of person I am. Like… before I met Joe, nothing made sense to me. I wasn't sure if I'd ever get married, if I'd ever have babies… I didn't even know if I liked boys. Now it's a totally different story. I'm not… a lesbian anymore, or whatever. It's like… I'm different. I'm completely different. I'm a totally different person. Joe's determined to let me still live like a normal teenager and stuff. He wants me to go to classes and finish getting my degree. But like… that's not important to me anymore. All I care about is Sofia."
"Babies change you, Dems. LOVE changes you." She traces the circular shape of Carlo's pacifier while he sucks on it. "I didn't want to marry Rob, if you want the truth." She shrugs. "I honestly just thought Rob was gonna be another boyfriend that I was gonna get tired of sooner or later. And then it was like BOOM, pregnant with Carlo. So then I had to change the way I thought. I knew that Rob was husband-worthy when he hit me…" She keeps looking down at Carlo with a smug look on her face. "I know how dumb that probably sounds, but that's the truth. When I told him that I didn't want him to feel like he had to stick around just for the baby… and he reached out and whacked me right on the back, I knew he was husband-material. He apologized for a week straight after that, but I wasn't mad. He was so mad at me for suggesting that he didn't have to be there for the baby…"
"Yeah… I guess that's a big part of it. I always knew Joe would be a good dad, so I honestly never thought twice about that. I knew Joe was the one when he was willing to give her up for adoption for ME. Ever since we met, he told me about how he wanted to be a dad, but he couldn't get a girl pregnant… and when he told me that he'd give his ONLY daughter up for adoption just to make me happy, I knew that he was going to be the one I'd spend the rest of my life with. It just hits you sometimes…"
And that's the truth. Love really just hits you sometimes.
If you're still following my story along, I guess it's safe to say you're never really ready for an ending. That's the beauty of things like this, though. There really isn't ever an ending. There isn't an ending, because life doesn't end. Life doesn't end, love doesn't end, and learning never ends. I could probably string you on for another year of my life, just so you can see how hard this will probably be for me, but I won't do that. I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I don't know exactly where my story ends. I'm not sure if it should end two years from now, when my precious little baby can walk and throw flowers down the aisle at my wedding. Maybe it should end during the sixth month of Sofia's life, when she's cutting teeth and I can finally settle in to a specific rhythm with her; the rhythm of being a good mom. Life doesn't end, it is endless, repetitive, going on and on infinitely. Love doesn't end, love is the foundation of all we have. Learning doesn't end. If we ever stopped learning, then what would be the point of living?
Life is living, learning, loving. Life is not just the act of living though. Life is what we do in the time in between. We're born, then we die. Whatever we do between, is our life. It's what we make it. My life, as unexpected, unplanned and crazy as it is, I wouldn't trade it. My life is living, with my beautiful little baby girl, and taking it one day at a time with her. I'm still not sure how to be a mom, but who the hell is ever certain? Living with the most incredible fiancé I could have ever asked for. Joe knows exactly how to deal with myself and our baby. He's not perfect, but he's as perfect as I could ask him to be. I'm understanding this whole mothering/wife thing more and more each day. Sofia has her own room in Joe's place, where the three of us live together while Joe works from base to pay the bills and finish putting me through school. As for me? I signed up for classes, I will be attending Oceanside Community College this fall. I work when I can, at the local grocery store. Free babysitting from my absolute best friend in the world helps with that. This life is what I've made it into, going on endlessly, indefinitely.
Love is the patience, the passion and the dedication it takes to care for someone even on your worst days. Trust me, there are some ugly days. The days when a colicky Sofia cries all day, all night at all hours nonstop. The days when I feel like I'm alone in raising her, because Joe works so much. The days where I feel like I'm just going to fold and crumble under the pressure. On those days, love gets us through. Love is having the support system we both have. The ability to ship Sofia to either of our parents' house when we need our own alone time, the time to be intimate, that's it. It took a hell of a lot of love to go against my better judgment and keep my baby, even when every bone in my body was telling me not to. Of course, I'm glad that I did keep her. I can't imagine living another second without her. I probably don't need to specify the amount of tears shed the day the final papers came in the mail and we were her permanent, definite legal guardians.
Learning needs no explanation. Learning is the basis of my journey. In this last year, I've learned more about myself than I have in my entire nineteen years of being. I learned that when you give love a try, you can open up your heart and find out a lot about yourself. Some of the hardest lessons I've learned came in this past year. Like the fact that Selena's the only friend I can count on. Like the fact that I'm not exactly "gay", but extremely confused. Like the fact that I shouldn't give up, when things get a little tough for me. Or learning through the death of my 97 year old grandma that my family is the only ones that have ever had my back from the start. But most of all, I learned that there's nobody else I'd rather be than Demi.
Sometimes, my dreams take me back to those six months without Joe. Every so often, I remember how hard it was to be without him. That only makes me appreciate him ten times more. I sometimes miss the freedom I had before I became a mother. The freedom to just drive to Inglewood and spend the day at Selena's and get into some inexplicable amount of trouble, whether it's wrecking the car or just waking her sister up from a deep slumber. I miss that. But I realize that things have to be different now that I have a daughter, so for that reason, I live and smile with the memories, rather than just sulk and feel sorry for myself.
Again, I'm not exactly sure where to end this. Maybe two years from now, maybe next week. I think I've got what I wanted after so many years, so I really see no reason to continue. I didn't get a happily ever after, but I did get my prince charming. That's the thing about happily ever afters. It's rare that anyone ever gets them, and I can singlehandedly attest to the fact that I'm not sure if I even want one. I don't think I want to tamper with my life, because it's a beautiful thing. So, without further ado, I'm going to put the pencil down to my story and let it play out as it will, written in pen. I have my fiancé, I have my daughter. I have my bestfriend, I have my life. What more can I ask for? I can't keep writing something that isn't meant to be written. That's the beauty about life. Your life is a story that can't be erased. Everything I do from here on out is permanent.
So, if you're still following my story along… here's my last piece of advice to you:
Pick up your pen and start writing your story. Put down the pencil, stop trying to erase. Let whatever will be, be. Today's the first day I'm writing in pen. I can't erase anymore.
And I'm going to make it a good story.