All things Twilight belong to the Awesome Stephenie Meyer. Happy TGUT Tuesday everyone :)

The Hardest Part is Letting Go

One of these days letters are gonna fall from the sky
telling us all to go free
But until that day
I'll find a way to let everybody know
that you're coming back,
you're coming back for me
Letters From the Sky - Civil Twilight

I woke up to the sound of thunder rolling through the skies above us. Alice was still driving, but her speed had slowed considerably due to the heavy fall of the rain, I could barely see the trees through the downpour when I looked up. There was no conversation in the darkness, just the dull glow of the headlights being cast from the rain.

I realized, a little slowly, that my head was in Edward's lap. I had no memory of being like that when I had fallen asleep, so I imagined I had shifted at some point during my slumber. It felt wrong to me, being in this intimate position, when it wasn't something I craved anymore. Both of us were in such a different position now.

I knew he still loved Kate, I wasn't naive enough to believe that he'd ever been able to let her go, because I had been in the same situation, and I knew I had never been able to let go of Jasper.

And he was going to be a father.

That was huge, something he obviously hadn't expected either. I guess it was the very reason Kate pushed him away too; I could only imagine how scared she must have been. I just hoped that they'd be able to work it all out. Maybe they had already.

I sat up slowly, not wanting to offend Edward with moving too quickly. I knew what I wanted, but that didn't mean I had to hurt him more in the process.

I stretched my arms over my head as far as they would go, my eyes trained on the heavy downpour. My eyes scanned the interior of the car noting that everyone but Alice was sleeping. I hadn't even disturbed Edward with my movements.

"Where are we?" I asked in a whisper, my voice was heavy with sleep, and misuse.

"Almost in Forks. We've been driving for almost five hours now. This rain is relentless. How do you feel?" Alice asked, her eyes not moving from the road in front of her.

"Achy."

"Thought as much."

"What time is it?"

"Almost six in the morning. I didn't think it would take this long, I would have just suggested sleeping in a hotel otherwise."

"I'm so sorry, Alice."

"I know you are, but I guess I should have known after everything that went down that you would run. I should have paid more attention; I should never have let you walk away like that."

"Don't say that, these were all my mistakes, Alice. You couldn't have stopped me, I was so determined to get away from the situation, nothing short of cuffing me to the bed would have stopped me."

"Maybe if you'd been able to talk about it, get it out of your system, things would have been different."

I took in a deep breath and watched the emotions on Alice's face flicker through a dozen before finally settling on pain. I really couldn't push away the feeling of guilt that sat heavy on my empty stomach as I watched her. I had made a decision to be who I always had been, and guilt was just part of that. I had to process it and use it to heal now. I couldn't shelf it and deal with it later.

I shifted in my seat, moving slowly so I wouldn't disturb the two sleeping men in the car. I leaned forward through the center of the front seats so I could speak without being too loud.

"The only way I could heal, was to see my dad. I know I hurt you all by leaving, and being completely honest I didn't know where I was going or what I was going to do, but I ended up there for a reason. I needed to find myself again."

"I would have taken you had I known."

"I know you would have, Alice, but that's kinda the point. I didn't know, I didn't even know how different I'd become through all of this. It wasn't until I was in that truck cab and he tried to . . ." I took a deep breath, trying to find a way to tell her what happened.

"He tried to what?" Jasper said, making me jump in my seat.

I took a deep breath and tried to gather myself before answering the question. I knew neither of them would be happy to hear what I had to say, and it was making it that much harder to spit it out.

Jasper turned in his seat and his scent enveloped me like a lovers embrace. It made me feel warm and safe; my skin seemed to tingle from being so close to him. I wanted to reach out and brush the hair that had fallen into his eyes during his sleep back through the soft blond mop that hung untidily on his head. I wanted to cup his cheeks in my palms and tell him with my heart and soul that I loved him and only him, but I had to wait.

"He tried to rape me," I said in a matter-of-fact tone. "And it made me realize that I had forgotten everything Julia taught me. I had forgotten how to survive. When . . ."

I was cut off by Jasper's hand connecting with the dash of Alice's Yukon. The action silenced me quickly and I shot a look at Alice to see how she would react at the small outburst, but she seemed as though she would do the same thing had she been capable.

"You could have been killed, Bella," Jasper growled, as Edward stirred beside me. "How could you think it would be safe to hitch? How could you risk taking yourself away from us like that? You have no idea how much that would have killed me, killed us. You think you're the only one it would have hurt, did you think for a second about anyone or anything when you got into that truck?"

"Jasper," Alice's voice was gentle and soothing as she addressed him. "Calm down, she wasn't thinking. Everything became too much for her and she did it on a whim, even I can understand that to an extent. It was stupid and irrational but there's nothing we can do about it now."

"Alice . . ."

"Jasper, just let her finish, getting upset about this isn't going to help a thing."

"Fine," Jasper huffed, throwing himself back into his seat so I was surrounded by the smell of him again. It threw me off my train of thought, and making it impossible to concentrate on what I had been saying.

"When I finally got away, my clumsiness took over, I won't go into it, but I managed to get away and I realized that I couldn't do this alone anymore. I couldn't just survive alone. You all made me feel so loved, so cared for, I could barely take care of myself. After running for what felt like hours I found a small store and they let me use the phone. I didn't know who I was going to call until I had that phone in my hands. I knew it wasn't a permanent solution, but I needed someone, and I had resolved to relieve you all of your burden."

"That's just ridiculous!"

"Jasper," Alice warned, the soothing tone to her voice completely gone and replaced with irritation.

"He's just being honest. I am ridiculous."

"That's not what I said, Bella. I meant the notion of you being a burden to us was ridiculous."

"That's how I felt though. I knew how much you all meant to me, but I lost sight of everything. I was so confused I felt as though I needed the distance, so you would all see just how uncomplicated life was without me. All I seemed to do was create misery, and when Kate showed up, everything inside me fell apart. It didn't make sense anymore. I didn't want . . ."

I felt Edward move beside me the moment I said Kate's name, and my voice died completely when he took my hand. It took me a second to recompose myself before I continued.

"I called Brian because I knew that he was going to help me link everything together again, that he would help me see where I had gone wrong. What I never counted on was them helping me forgive my Dad."

"That's why you went to the cemetery?"

"Yeah, I overheard them talking and they felt obligated to go against everything to keep me safe, and I knew I couldn't ask them to do that, because the guilt would eat me alive. I left in the middle of the night and just ran. I've never been a good runner, but this was so different, it was as though I was running to something rather than away. Talking about Dad so freely with them made something inside of me almost snap. I tried to avoid it. I went to the bridge and walked around aimlessly, but in the end, I somehow still arrived at that cemetery without any conscious thought of going there."

The silence in the car seemed almost overwhelming when I stopped talking. Edward squeezed the hand he was holding and Jasper seemed to just look at me as though something had changed. In reality it had, drastically.

"I talked to him for the first time in years," I said, the tears flowing freely down my cheeks. "I understood how everything had gone so wrong, I saw all of the mistakes I made, I saw for the first time what I really wanted. Everything seemed to clear up in my foggy head. I wanted to stay and talk with him for a while before coming back to Forks, but when I woke up you were there, and I never had a chance to do it on my own, but I was on my way home. I knew what I had to do."

I could tell that the silence was filled with questions and apologies; I could intuitively hear the words behind the silence as the headlights beamed on the welcome to Forks sign. I knew I had more talking to do now that we were almost home. I just hoped that everyone would be patient with me while I did what I needed to do. I hoped that Jasper wouldn't get the wrong idea.

The silence lasted all the way to the Masen's house. My stomach was flipping while my mind tried to word everything I needed to say. This was going to be anything but easy, but I had mentally prepared myself for this. I knew what I wanted; I just had to do this the right way so no one would get hurt.

When we finally pulled up outside the house, I half expected the steely gray of the sky to have lightened, but the rain was just too heavy and the thick clouds kept the light from breaking through. I didn't speak until Alice turned off the engine and we sat idle.

"Edward, do you mind if I speak with you in private?"

I heard Jasper's sigh from the front seat and I knew that he had probably misconstrued the situation once again. It was a risk I had to take though; I had to make sure Edward understood what I wanted so there would be no more of this confusion. I needed to clear the air with him first so that he would always know that it was never anything he did, that it wasn't Kate showing up that had tipped the scales. That I had in fact made this decision by my own volition.

"Jasper, would you mind waiting for me, I would like to talk with you too."

He nodded, but I could see that he wasn't intending to stay, that he'd already made up his mind. The look he gave me made me feel nervous, and for the first time I was second guessing my decision to tell him what I wanted. I wouldn't though, I needed him to know how I felt so we could move on whether it was together or apart. I would never make these mistakes again and I needed him to know that.

The four of us made our way inside the house quickly. The rain was so heavy it almost soaked us through in the few feet we had to run. I pulled Alice aside as soon as we were in the confines of the warm house. I needed her on my side. I needed her to keep Jasper here.

"Alice, will you make sure he doesn't leave, please?"

"I'll try, Bella," she smiled. She'd obviously realized what I was doing by the pained expression I was wearing. "It'll all work out."

"I hope so," I mumbled, walking towards the study where Edward had disappeared into.

I pushed the door closed behind me and made my way over to where he stood by the embers of the dying fire. His eyes were trained on the white hot logs that were still hissing and spitting from the heat. I stopped beside him, my hand reaching out to his arm that hung loosely by his side.

"Things could have been so different if we'd met before all of this," he said quietly at the fire.

"Edward, I . . ."

"Please, Bella. Don't misunderstand me. I just, I think we could have been good together without all of the distractions. My parents want me to marry Kate."

"Do you still want that?" I asked gently, hoping that he wouldn't misinterpret the question.

"Bella, I . . . you have to understand our history."

"I'm not upset, Edward. I asked you in here because . . ." This was harder than I thought it would be, even with his admission of marrying Kate, and my suspicion of him still loving her; I knew that on some level this would hurt him, and I hated to be the one to do that. "Edward, I love Jasper. I always have and as much as I enjoyed our time together I was lying to myself. I was lying because even though I really did want things to work with you, he . . ."

"He was always the one you wanted."

"Yes. The day Kate showed up I had made up my mind to be alone, to distance myself from both of you to see what I really wanted. When Kate appeared I was so afraid that it would look like I was choosing him because you . . . well, because you wouldn't want me anymore . . ."

Edward cut me off by pulling me into his arms, he held me against his chest with such a ferocity that I could barely breathe. I wrapped my arms around his waist and held him with the same level of intensity though. It was a defining moment for the two of us.

"I would never not want you, Bella, and I think I can say the same about Jasper."

"But I couldn't live with him second guessing my choice. I needed him to know that it was always him, and I'm sorry that I am telling you this . . . it's just, well, I thought you needed to know. I needed you to know that I understood; that I expected you to pick Kate. I think we both know that you still love her, you deserve to be happy about all of this, not to feel guilty about me."

"You're extraordinary, you know that?" Edward asked, holding me at arms length so he could look me in the eye. "When Alice told me you were gone I panicked. Kate had caught me so off guard that I hadn't even considered how you would feel about all of this. I felt like an asshole. I was an asshole, and I'm sorry for not doing something to make you feel more comfortable, I'm sorry I couldn't even look at you when she showed up. I'm sorry I never gave you a chance to talk to me before she showed up."

"You knew I needed to talk to you?"

"I didn't know, it was more of an inclination. You didn't make it obvious, but I saw the way you and Jasper acted when you came out of the hospital and I was selfish enough to want you just that little bit longer."

I smiled at Edward, I knew I should probably be angry or hurt that he'd purposely kept me from telling him what I needed to, but I couldn't feel anything but flattered. It had meant he cared enough to fight, to give what we had that last bit of effort.

"So, what happened with Kate?" I asked timidly, hoping he wouldn't think I was prying.

"We talked in the car for a while before we came back here, she explained everything. Apparently she knew kids weren't in my "five year plan"," he said with his fingers making quotations. "It's funny how you don't think about things like that when you say them. I really don't even remember having an in depth conversation about it with her. She said I'd mentioned having kids in my mid to late twenties so I could start my career. Like a fucking idiot, I'd said it on the night she was going to tell me she was pregnant."

"You couldn't have known, Edward, we all say things we don't necessarily mean. There was no way you could have known."

"I know, but I can't help but feel as though I pushed her away."

"What else happened?"

Edward walked us both over to the couch and sat down, pulling me down beside him.

"She said she'd never stopped loving me and knew that she owed me an explanation before the baby was born. She wanted to give me a chance to make a decision. She told me that she could do it alone, but she felt I had the right to know, whether we were together or not the baby was half of us both and I should have the choice to do what I felt was right."

"What did you do?"

"I proposed, I told her everything, even about you. She wasn't exactly thrilled that I had fallen for someone so easily, but she understood. She was mostly upset that I hadn't had the chance to propose when I wanted to, she said she hadn't known that it's what I wanted. I'm so sorry, Bella, I know I said my parents wanted me to marry her, and that is the truth, when they found out her name and who her family is, they jumped on me, but I lied to you. I proposed to her before they told me I was to marry her."

"It's what you always wanted, Edward. I can't be upset with you about that, because I just told you I lied to myself as well as you all this time. I'm not saying I didn't feel anything for you, but . . ."

"It wasn't close to what you had with Jasper."

"Yes," I said, looking down at my hands. "and I am sorry for that."

"Don't be. I know that if the situations were in reverse, that it was Kate that was always around I would be in the same position. It wasn't until she showed up that I understood just what we'd put you through, how torn you must have felt all the time."

"It was my own doing, I didn't want to let either of you go."

"So what now?" he asked, picking up my hand again. "Are you sticking with the original plan and staying alone?"

"No," I smiled. "One thing these last few days have taught me is that life's too short to put it on hold. You were the first one I wanted to speak to because I didn't know where you were, or what you were planning on doing, and I wanted you to understand that I do love you, just . . ."

"You don't have to say it, I understand."

"Thank you." I smiled, squeezing his hand.

"You were worth the fight, Bella. Never underestimate your self worth. You are always going to be my "what if." I believe that if you and I had happened before Kate or Jasper, we would have had the happily ever after."

"But Kate had happened."

"So had Jasper, so we'll never know what could have been."

"We know what we had though. We can walk away knowing that we're with the one's we're supposed to be with. We can't think about the "what if's." You are with the woman you love, you're going to be a dad. Just promise me one thing, Edward."

"What's that?"

"Have a living will. Your child will always have a large family who loves it, but don't leave it up to chance. Learn from my dad's mistakes."

"He," Edward said smiling. "Edward the third, will have a family who love him, but I will make a living will. I've seen what all of this has done to you and it made you a stronger person, but I won't put my child through that. He'll always have somewhere to go."

I smiled at him and leaned across the couch to hold him once again. If there was anything in the world that I could do, it would be to pass along that message to anyone who would listen. No one should ever have to go through what I had been through, and even though they were extenuating circumstances, I would never leave something like that up to fate. I knew that I was one of the lucky ones, that everyone I had known under that bridge were reaping the benefits of my best friend, that I had been saved by each and every one of these people and they loved me more than I thought I deserved.

Edward and I held onto one another longer than we should and I couldn't help the feeling that this was a goodbye. His hands gripped my clothes as though he were memorizing this moment to look back on one day, and it dawned on me that this would be the last time I saw him in a while.

"When are you leaving for New York?"

"How did you know?"

I just smiled, I didn't need to tell him how I knew. He already figured that one out.

"A week. I will be going back to school to get my degree. Kate's decided to be a stay at home mom, which is fine. It's not like either of us need to work, but I know I want to. We're getting married in September, Kate says she needs to start planning. The baby is due in July."

"That's good."

"Will you come and say goodbye before we leave?"

"Do you really think that's a good idea?" I asked, pulling out of his embrace and looking at him.

"I hate that this is the last time we'll get to talk, that this is goodbye for us."

"It's not goodbye, Edward. At least, I hope it isn't."

There was a strained silence that hung in the air as he contemplated the statement. In the end he chose to look past it and not answer. Instead, he gave me a smile.

"You'd better go; I know Jasper has to be losing his mind out there waiting for you. I know I would be."

"Thanks, Edward," I said, standing up with a smile and kissing him on his cheek.

"You tell Jasper he better be good to you, or I'll kick his ass seven ways from Sunday."

"I'll do no such thing Edward Anthony Masen. You behave yourself, and look after Kate and the baby."

"I will."

I gave Edward one last smile before turning to the door. I took a deep breath; I was going to do something that terrified and excited me all at the same time. My future all depended on what the man outside of this door said to me. Either way I knew I would survive. I would do anything it took to get him back, but one thing was certain. Whatever happened now, I was willing to fight.

My hand grasped at the door handle and I twisted it slowly.

A/N: Awe Edward was all mature about it. Still, he proposed when he was still technically with Bella, so we can pretend he's the bad guy if you like. He did go to the "What if" route but I think he'd really thought it all through. He would never have forgiven himself if something had happened to Bella, but knowing she was safe, that she'd made her decision, much like he'd made his own, gave him piece of mind.

Thanks as always to my supabeta, Cravingtwilight, for inhaling the chapters and making my grammar and punctuation so much better.

Miztrezboo and Bendingmirrors. A huge thanks to the two of you for keeping me sane! If you haven't read their stories you're really missing out. Miz and I have a small collab going on at the moment. The Multi chap will be called Road Trip on Route 666.

Thank you so much to the girls on Cullen Boy Anonymous for the recommendation on their website. It was the Monday fic rec. Their website is cullenboysanonymous (.) com. They're awesome!

Bob, I still love you more and growing wings didn't work out *snort*

If you head on over to the forum, the girls there are awesome and there's another sneak peek posted there on Fridays. Not the same as in the review replies I promise. I also try and answer all the questions as best I can too.

Thank you also to all of the reviewers. Each of you are amazing and make me smile. Your passion for the characters and situations astounds me, collective hugs to each and every one of you. I love you guys!!!

Much love and big hugz ~ Weezy