Chapter 38

Friday 5:34am

Never let it be said that Marissa Rachel Carter wasn't anal when it came to doing her job. From the minute she got to the Newark Field Office a little past 1am she had been writing, typing, faxing, photocopying, emailing and coffee-drinking; all to get to where she was at that very moment. Packing.

Her eyes burned from lack of sleep, her head felt as though it was floating above her body and her joints were stiff. It was over. Not the case, but the unnerving time she had spent here in Trenton.

She was going home. Back to New York. Back to her life. Back to where she belonged. Back there there was no Joe Morelli, no Carlos Manoso, no weird feelings, no sexual tension and no unexplained emotions she couldn't handle. The case was far from over, but Vasya had given Detective Heyman some useful information that she was going to follow up on when she got back to her office. It seemed as though the leader of the Zamochit gang was hiding out somewhere in Rochester, New York. They had gotten a name and a description, and Marissa presumed that by the next week they would be bringing the gang leader in for questioning.

She threw the last of her things into the medium sized suitcase and did a quick scan of the room to make sure that nothing was forgotten. She looked at her watch. The rental car company was going to be dropping the car she had reserved to drive back to New York within a few minutes. Grabbing her suitcase off the bed she made her way down to the lobby.

"Good morning." she said to the cheery looking male desk clerk. "Room 205 checking out." she placed the card key on the counter.

The clerk nodded. "Will there be anything else we can assist you with before you leave?"

"Is the coffee fresh?"

"I already have coffee for you." a voice said behind her.

Great. Just when she thought she was getting out of there without incident he shows up.

"What do you want Carlos?" she asked wearily as she turned to face him.

"You didn't think you were going to drive back to New York on your own were you?" he asked in a matter-of-factly tone.

"Of course I was. My rental should be here," she looked at her watch, "in three minutes."

"You sure about that?" he asked arching a perfectly curved black eyebrow at her as his eyes roamed over her face taking in the bags underneath her eyes.

She narrowed her eyes at him. "What did you do?"

"Nothing." he said innocently with a shrug. "But Tank arranged for Cal to drive you back."

"That wasn't..."

"Mari you're exhausted and you look like hell. You're in no condition to be on the Turnpike."

She rolled her eyes dramatically. "Please go away."

"Not going to happen. Cal is waiting in the parking lot."

She could tell by his tone that it was no use arguing. "My rental isn't coming is it?"

Ranger just stared at her.

"Just in case I haven't told you this in a while, I want you to know that I really, really hate you."

He gave her a tight smile. "I love when you try to give compliments. Let's go."

He grabbed her suitcase in one hand, and held onto her arm with the other as he pulled her towards the exit.

"Stop manhandling me." she said as she tried to get her arm free.

"You and I both know what happens when I manhandle...and this isn't it." Ranger said.

This was true. For one thing she still had her clothes on; which may or may not have been a good thing.

He opened the back passenger door for her and she greeted Cal as she slid into the warm plush leather interior. He then went around to the trunk to deposit her suitcase. She was expecting him to stand off to the side and wave to her as the vehicle pulled off, but to her consternation he climbed in next to her.

"Is Cal dropping you off at RangeMan?" Marissa asked as she buckled her seatbelt.

"Yeah, right after we drop you off at your house."

Her eyes widened. He couldn't be serious? Damn.

Ranger pulled her to him and dropped a kiss on her forehead. "Go to sleep. I'll wake you when we get there."

Marissa studied him even as she melted into his warmth and solidity. He was such a complicated man, yet he yearned for the simple things in life. Things that were always just out of his reach because of the promises he had made to his government and the actions of his lifestyle.

No one really knew who the real Carlos Manoso was, and she was sure at times he didn't either. But he was her friend. He never questioned her actions, motives or words. They didn't have an agenda with each other, just one for each other. They didn't have to bury their unconventional views of the world to make themselves seem normal, and there were never any "weird" moments between them.

But even as she reveled in their connectivity, there was a hole that was slowly growing bigger and bigger within her from the moment she walked away from Joe at the precinct. She tamped down the wave of emotion that rose up within her. No. She was not going to think about him. She'd promised herself that. No what ifs.

Ranger turned and looked at her. "You miss him."

"Who?"

"Morelli."

Marissa stared out the window "Yes."

She'd never lied to Ranger. She learned a long time ago it was a wasted effort. "A little bit too much...but you didn't hear that from me"

"Does he know?"

Marissa snorted. "God no."

Ranger was silent for a long while. Then, "Did you sleep with him?"

"No."

He let out a breath. "But you wanted too?"

Was he relieved?

"What I want and what's best for me are two entirely different things Carlos."

"Wrong answer."

"Seeing as I'm heading back to New York and leaving my Trenton memories behind, good and bad, I'd say it was the right answer." she challenged.

"Ever the optimist." Ranger said with a smirk. "But still, I think you're making a mistake about Morelli."

She pulled away from him and sat up. "That's a matter of opinion."

"He can make you happy. He's a good man."

"And you're not?" she asked pointedly.

He stared at her. "You and I both know the limitations of my emotions."

"As I recalled you put those limitations in place because you're afraid that you'd fall hard for a certain brunette."

"Mari..." his tone held a warning.

"Tell me I'm wrong?" she challenged.

He smiled and pulled her back into him. "Get some rest. You're beginning to get delirious from lack of sleep."

They were silent for a while; just the sound of the tires on the road and the low classical music coming from the speakers. Marissa closed her eyes and snuggled into Ranger's warmth. His arms wound themselves automatically around her, and he dropped a kiss on her hair. Minutes passed by and her breathing pattern slowed down. By all appearances she looked like she was sleeping, but Ranger knew her mind was still racing.

"What are you thinking about?" he muttered.

"How destructive we are when it comes to our personal lives." she mumbled, eyes still closed.

"It's called self-preservation."

"It's called bullshit." she said pushing herself off of his comforting warmth and staring at him with bloodshot eyes. "I could've slept with him. I wanted to sleep with him."

"But?"

Her gaze dropped from his and she bit down on her lower lip. "But...but I...I knew he deserved better."

Ranger let out a frustrated sigh. "Mari, there're no one better than you."

She pursed her lips at him. "You're just saying that so you can have sex with me again."

"It's not about the sex. We could've done that days ago if that was the case." he said quietly.

This got her attention. "Then what?"

His gaze roamed across her face. "You have a way of drawing people to you. Your honesty and genuine interest in the well-being of others are what make you such a great friend."

She stared at him with a frown. "Okay. Who are you?"

He stared back at her.

"Carlos is never this talkative. And he doesn't use words like genuine and well-being."

He threw his head back and laughed; a very rare occurrence it seemed these days. He pulled her back into him and shifted so that he could stretch his legs out along the seat and cocoon her between them. "Get some rest. When you wake up everything will still be waiting for you to agonize over."

"I don't agonize." she protested even as she adjusted her body to mold into his form. "I analyze. Totally different things."

"Great. Now shut up and sleep."

"You're lucky I'm too tired to bust you upside the head for your rudeness." she said as her eyes closed.

"I'm sure you'll make up for that when you wake up." Ranger said with a smile.

Two weeks later...

"No!"

"Carter you're being totally irrational right now." her partner Bryan said as they walked back to their office after getting their assignment from the Special Agent in Charge.

She stopped walking. "Irrational? Irrational? You think I'm being irrational after I told you what happened when I was there."

He shoved his hands in his pockets. "That's a rhetorical question, right?"

"I'm not going." Marissa said as she continued down the hallway. "No fucking way."

Bryan followed close behind, trying to reason with her. "You're going to disregard a direct order from your superior? I don't think so. This is not like you."

"Well, I've changed. I march to a different beat now."

"Would that be the beat of the unemployment line?"

She glared at him. "Can't you go? You know, without me."

He looked at her as if she'd just told him to jump off the Empire State Building. "No."

She let out a frustrated growl as they entered their shared office. Flopping down in her chair dejectedly Marissa wondered if God was punishing her for sins she'd never confessed to.

Bryan sat down across from her. "Look, you're not even going to be working with the guy. You'll be at the Field Office. You might never even see each other."

She shot him an incredulous look. "Are you kidding me? Obviously you don't know Joe Morelli like I do."

"Obviously, since he never had his tongue in my mouth." Bryan said with a chuckle.

"Shut. It. Up." Marissa hissed. "I don't care what Burger says, I'm not going."

"You're going to get written up for insubordination if you do. Not a good thing to have on one's employment record in this economy. But on the bright side Ranger would be there."

"Carlos is on an assignment." she informed him.

"Since when?"

"Since five days ago." she explained putting on her computer. "He called from the airport."

"What was the directive?"

"He didn't say. But more than likely it came from the NSA. Which means..."

"He's buried deep until they pull him out." Bryan finished for her.

She huffed out a sigh. "Yeah."

He studied her for a minute as she typed in her password and waited for all her icons to load and the security software to kick in.

"You miss him don't you?" he asked.

"Who? Carlos?" she asked innocently.

"Good Lord woman, keep up. Morelli. You miss Morelli."

She ignored him.

"Has he called you?"

"Maybe."

"How many times?"

"A few."

"Did you talk to him?"

"Nope."

"Why not?"

She glared at him. "What's with the questions Anderson?"

"I'm just trying to understand why you're pushing the guy away. He seems like a great guy."

"Now you're beginning to sound like Carlos."

"Who in a weird serial killer kind of way is a very intuitive man."

"Watch it. That's my friend you're talking about there."

"And I'm your partner. The one who knows all your dirty secrets and your real weight. The one who knows how you like your coffee and your favorite takeout restaurant. The one who knows that since you came back from Trenton you've been in a foul mood and brooding over a certain TPD detective."

She made a face at him. "I don't brood. And for your information what happened between Morelli and I was nothing."

"He seems to think otherwise."

"He's just disappointed that he didn't get to sleep with me. I'm sure if we did what happened between us would be water under the bridge."

Bryan shot her a dubious look. "Okay, so let me see if I'm getting this straight. You're saying that if Morelli had had sex with you he wouldn't want to have anything to do with you right now because he got his itch scratched?"

"Bingo!" Marissa exclaimed slapping her hand down on the desk. "See? I knew you were my partner for a reason."

"That's the biggest pile of bullshit I've ever heard." Bryan said as he shook his head. "You seriously believe that?"

Marissa stared at him. "Of course I believe that. Men like Morelli have alpha male tendencies that when not fully satisfied manifests itself into emotions of determination, that can only be satisfied when the proposed subject of the challenge has been properly mitigated. And yes, I'm still seeing Dr. Powell on Thursdays."

"Uh huh." Bryan said; clearly not understand what the hell she'd just said. "Have you talked to your shrink about Morelli?"

Her brow creased. "What for?"

"You can't be serious?" Bryan scoffed. "It's obviously you have unresolved feelings for the man."

"Yeah. Feelings of irritation and anxiety. I even threatened to kick his ass if he kept on pushing me. And do you know what he had the gall to say to me?"

She didn't wait for him to respond. "He said that I was an agency snob, and that anyone who didn't have as high as a security clearance as mine I looked down upon. I mean, is he fucking serious?"

"You do look down on anyone that's not a member of the Alphabet teams." Bryan pointed out stoically.

"What!"

"Remember when we were doing that joint op in Chinatown a few months ago and you reprimanded one of the NYPD detectives for obscuring the crime scene because he was drinking a cup of coffee?"

Marissa rolled her eyes. "Well he was."

"The poor man was at least a hundred feet from the scene Carter."

"It was unprofessional."

"It was thirty-two degrees."

"Whatever. You didn't see any of us drinking any coffee, did you?" she argued.

Bryan threw his hands up. "I give up."

To everyone else she was behaving normal, but as her partner he'd notice subtle changes in her personality and demeanor. Since she'd gotten back from Trenton she'd been distracted and irritable, and quite a few times she'd seem lost in a haze of unhappiness. Whatever happened between her and Morelli had left some bruising on her soul that not even time could readily fix.

The Trenton detective had gotten to her in a way few people ever did. He'd done the unthinkable and wormed her way into her heart. And just like how the body deals with a virus that has infected it, Marissa was trying to build up her defenses against the emotions the Trenton detective had spawned within her.

She had to go back to Trenton. She needed to go back to Trenton. But was he going to make her see that? He couldn't ask Ranger for help, as he was out of the country. He couldn't ask Tank for help because he didn't know the man all that well, or felt comfortable enough to ask him for such a favor. So the next best thing was to talk to her psychiatrist.

Dr. Myron Powell was the only one who seemed to be able to get his partner to tap into her unexpressed feelings and to make sense of them. Their weekly sessions offered Marissa a way to come out of her shell and say what she felt without the consequences her words might have to the people around her.

The only other people she was able to do that with was with him and Ranger...and quite possible he suspected Morelli. But for reasons unknown to him she was resisting Morelli very forcefully. And when SAC Michael Burger had told her about her assignment to work as the Agent in Charge of the Zamochit case out of the Newark Field office, Bryan was sure he had seen a small spark of fear flash in her eyes.

What was she afraid of so badly that she wanted to disregard a supervisory directive? Whatever it was, there was no doubt in Bryan's mind that it centered around one Joseph Anthony Morelli.