Chapter 37: Kanda

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love."

–Washington Irving

It had been a long day. Jordan was hot, Jordan was difficult, and Jordan was stupid. There was nothing here at the camp to do other than babysit some Finders, search around for some clearly nonexistent Innocence, and fight off the ceaseless Akuma.

They had been granted some temporary relief from attack, and Kanda had taken advantage of the time to sleep. He could not deny that he was tired – that even though he'd gotten much stronger, he had been working nonstop and was in dire need of some rest. And so even though the tent conditions were less than comfortable, he sat down in the corner and, with his arm garlanding Mugen, he fell asleep.

His slumber, like always, was fitful. It always seemed to happen whenever Rima wasn't there, and his dreams would recur like a never-ending cycle of psychological torment. Because even though he knew Rima was alive, that he had done nothing to hurt her, there remained this feeling of something wrong, a premonition, perhaps, a feeling of foreboding.

But he jolted awake suddenly, amidst all the filth, the grime, and the suffocating heat to find a cool hand on his cheek. His eyes snapped open immediately, his hand already gripped around Mugen, and he sat up instantly, his blade unsheathed and pointing dangerously at the person who had given him such brief reprieve from the heat.

"Relax," said Rim as she grasped the edge of his blade and pushed it away. "It's just me."

Kanda looked around, confused for a moment as he ascertained his surroundings – still the same ugly tent, still the same stifling heat. Which just meant…

"Aren't you supposed to be in China?" he said suspiciously.

"…Perhaps," she said with a cryptic smile, sitting down beside him. "You going to send me back?"

"No," he said bluntly. "But aren't you going to get in trouble?"

"I couldn't care less at this point," answered Rima. "Leverrier is apparently in North America, so I doubt he be keeping tabs on me regularly."

"But there are Thirds here with us—"

"I don't care," she said, this time somewhat bitingly. "They're away for the moment, and unless you want me to leave, I'll stay."

"But—"

She interrupted his sentence with a kiss, taking him back by surprise. Over the last few weeks, they'd hardly shared any physical intimacy, and even more rarely had Rima initiated it herself. Kanda let the kiss linger for a little while, allowing the sensation of relaxation to spread down his back as the contact lasted, but pushed her face aside once he'd recollected himself.

"What are you here for?" he said quietly.

"To hang out," she said simply.

"…What's going on?"

"Nothing, Yuu," she sighed, leaning back against the shaky pole that held up the tent. "I just haven't seen you in a while."

"…Is there something…" He cleared this throat abruptly, "wrong with your body?"

"No," she replied, her eyes gazing elsewhere. "Nothing's wrong."

Kanda could not bring himself to continue the interrogation, so he settled with staring at her rather curiously. Rima caught his eye and gave a small smirk.

"Why must things always be wrong, Yuu?" she said. "Why can't things just be absolutely fine when I come see you? Do we always have to talk about pessimistic things?"

"No, it's just there always is something wrong, and if there's something you need to tell me about, I should know."

"I'm fine," she said with finality. "Everything is normal – I hate the Black Order, I hate Leverrier, and I hate my Innocence." She smiled. "Life is the same. I'm just here to spend some time with you."

Kanda didn't know what to say in response, so he remained silent. Rima's smile broadened slightly at his normal social awkwardness.

"You can go back to sleep," she offered. "I'll keep watch."

"There are a lot of Akuma around," he said warningly. "And if the Thirds come back—"

"Yuu. Really," said Rima tiredly. "I'll be fine. Go to sleep."

"…It's a bit of a waste if you came all the way over here only to watch me sleep," he said sardonically.

"I wouldn't dare intrude on your slumber, Yuu," she said mockingly. "You need your beauty sleep."

Kanda heaved a sigh and stood up, dragging Rima up to her feet as well.

"Let's go on a walk," he said in response to her bemused look. "It might make the heat more bearable."

"On the contrary, moving around often consists of more heat and sweat—"

"Shut up, would you?"

"Just saying," she said halfheartedly, her fingers sliding loosely between his. "Well, lead the way then."

"There's not much to see here."

"Quite the contrary. At least the sky is blue."

Kanda glanced at her covertly. Rima's mismatched eyes were staring straight ahead, past the tent coverings, into the unseen distance.

Or unseen future.

"…Are you sure there's nothing?" he said in one last attempt.

"…Yeah." She gave him a sunshine smile and squeezed his hand gently. "I'm just glad the sky's blue."

They exited the tent, and Kanda looked up into the sky.

It was black.

She had made her preparations.

Preparing had given her some sort of twisted satisfaction. The fact that she knew, so certainly, of her impending doom barely gave her any closure, but at the same time…it was in a way infinitely better than forever guessing, wishing, hoping.

Her cynicism had finally come in useful – acceptance hadn't taken as long as it would've taken most other people.

Those "other people" included Kanda, in this case. Hiding the truth from him was not some saint-like gesture on her part – telling him would actually help him bear with it all the more, but Rima knew that at least for a while, be it a day or a month, he would fight against it. He would demand an answer, a possible solution, would waste time that she didn't have time to waste on trying to fix her when she had realized that she no longer needed fixing.

No, what she needed now was for everything to remain normal. She wanted Kanda to be exactly as he was always – aloof, calm, inquisitive. She wanted every last minute to remain the same – there was no longer any time to be wasted on wishing that her life could've been any different, or that there could've been another path to take.

So Kanda would not know anything until she was gone.

Rima had recorded a message inside Tsuki for him, having instructed Tsuki to only reveal it once she was actually gone. Dead. Nothingness. Oblivion.

Kanda and Rima trekked across the desert landscape of their location, away from the tent and towards the mountains that offered the bare bits of shade in its caverns. But she was not looking for shade at the moment – she wanted to find something bright, to find a blue sky or golden sun.

After much silence and difficult walking, they winded on top of a flat plateau that overlooked the campsite, a view that would've been magnificent if there was anything worthwhile to see below.

"Here is fine," said Rima, stopping in her tracks.

Kanda, who had been leading, turned back to look at her.

"There's nothing to see here," he said.

"There's nothing to see anywhere, unless it's your beautiful face," she said.

The expression Kanda had in return was a laughable one, and Rima chuckled as she slid down a rock wall and curled her knees to her chest. Kanda sighed and sat down beside her, and unconsciously, his hand slipped into hers again.

This instant display of affection was one that he wouldn't have done had he not known that something was wrong. But, like always, Rima was glad that he did not press the subject – most likely because he knew it would be news that he didn't want to hear – and just allowed the silence to stretch on.

A sad smile crept to her lips.

"I wonder why I fell in love with you, of all people."

Kanda looked rather surprised with the sudden turn of subject, but he responded rather blandly, and, like always, sarcastically.

"Gee. That's comforting."

"No, really. Why you?"

Kanda shrugged, evidently not keen to continue the conversation. "I dunno. No one else was there."

"There was Alma."

Kanda made a face. "That's…just strange."

"Mm…but all the same, I wonder when it happened…" Rima let out a breath. "Sometimes I try to play back my life in my head…and every emotion that I've felt with every moment. I can't remember how I felt when I first saw you…"

"Annoyed," he said bluntly.

"I understand that's what you felt…I can't remember…what did I feel…is that even a substantial thing to remember? Even if I were to say a word to describe it…I don't think it would encompass what it was. Was it love at first sight? But I was a child. It was like a…a pull. This…this attraction, but we were kids, it couldn't have been physical, it was just a gravitation…not in your direction, but to your…your presence. Your soul." She paused, realizing that her words sounded much too cheesy for her comfort.

"Sometimes," said Kanda wearily, "you make my head hurt because nothing you say makes any sense."

"I know," she said, embarrassed. "Never mind."

Kanda made a noise, something between a sigh and a grim chuckle.

"I understand," he said slowly, "slightly. There is a…" He made a random motion with his hand. "A pull. A need."

"A loss, when you're not there," she added. "That's it…"

There was a long silence. Kanda seemed to grow antagonistic with the direction of the conversation, and Rima knew that she had not done a good job dodging his inquiry of her health.

"…Rima, if there's something you should be telling me because there's no way in hell you would've come all the way over here without anything wrong—"

"I love you, all right?"

If there was a fail-safe way to make Kanda shut up, it was by saying those words. He stared, completely bewildered, and, now that her eyes had adjusted to the dark, Rima could make out the barest traces of blush and discomfort on his face.

"That was all I came here to say," she grinned. "And hopefully to hear the same thing in return—"

"Hell no."

"I didn't think so," she sighed.

The fact that Kanda was so verbally hampered by embarrassment when it came to expressing some sort of affection was a shame. Though to tell the truth, she didn't need the audible reassurance.

They sat alone, her head on his shoulder, her body curled against his, as the silence reigned over the night with black skies.

Just like old days.

Rima awoke to screams and chaos.

Her eyes flew open with the sign of initial disturbance and she sat up, surprised to find that she was alone in the tent that she and Kanda had returned to so late the night before. The golden illumination of her humble shelter indicated that it was daytime, perhaps right about noon, when the sun was at its hottest and highest. The fact that she even slept for so long was just a vague reminder that her body was slowly growing more tired with the slightest exertion, but now was not the time to ponder such things.

Gin no Tsuki materialized out of her wrist as Rima headed out the tent exit; she was greeted by the familiar noxious scents of decaying Akuma bodies and the bright red sight of blood. Bodies of Finders and Akuma laid interspersed with one another on the ground, but it was not them she was searching for.

The strongest presence she could sense was a Noah, and she knew instinctively that Kanda would be right there with it.

Rima bolted away in that direction, her head pounding from the heat and effort it took her to effectively sprint as quickly as she could up a sandy dune and down into a valley where the other half of camp was. The grotesque landscape of fallen bodies grew worse as she neared, but there was no need to belabor the dead – her sole goal was Kanda and his survival, and thus there was no hesitation when she flew in his direction without a backward glance. She skidded to a stop at the opposite of the valley, winded and gasping; Kanda was surrounded by fallen Finders, but his attention was focused solely on the adversary in front of him.

The Noah was one that Rima had seen before, with shrewd eyes and a bandana tied into his blond hair. He was grinning maliciously at Kanda, obviously aiming for something much more dangerous than idle conversation. She could see them exchanging words but was too far to hear any part of the dialogue; before she could move, however, the Noah stretched out his hand and a tremor shuddered through the entire surrounding atmosphere. Kanda fell backward without struggle, his body growing rigid as unconsciousness seized him. Rima felt her blood freeze, and though she ran forward with as much speed as she could muster, she knew instantly that it would be too late.

The Noah threw Kanda over his shoulder effortlessly, but instead of disappearing instantly, he waited, his eyes alight with amusement as Rima skidded to a spot in front of him.

"I wasn't aware that you'd be here," he drawled. "Road hadn't mentioned that you two were on the same mission – someone else went to go pick you up."

"What do you want?" Rima snarled.

"Ah, you'll see in a little bit," said the Noah. "After all, your presence would be appreciated at this party of ours, though not entirely essential."

"What do you want with Kanda?" she demanded.

"Mm? I wasn't aware you called him by that name. After all, didn't you two grow up together? First name terms should be common among you and Alma Karma as well, eh?"

Rima's breath hitched. Her mind whirred. They weren't supposed to know about Alma. No one was supposed to. And yet, this meant that the Noah were stirring up something, something huge, something catastrophic. Something that would eat away the Order from the inside out.

Curiosity tugged at her, but at this point, she no longer cared. The Order could go to hell. Everything about the entire war was wholly useless. Nothing mattered.

The only person who mattered was the one that the Noah was so indelicately handling at the moment.

So she did not bother to ask any questions, but instead summoned every bit of energy in her and flew towards the Noah, her Innocence stretched in its most-familiar broadsword form. She appeared behind him and aimed a clean slice down his shoulder, intending to catch Kanda once the Noah let go of him.

Her enemy moved almost lazily aside, and at that same moment, a terrible pain invaded her brain, pervading through all her senses and causing her to fall to the ground, clutching her head with an agonized scream.

The Noah chuckled and stepped a few feet away from her.

"Is it painful?" he said. "It's my power, you know – mind manipulation. A little like Cyril's, but ultimately stronger, more painful, and infinitely more useful. The name's Wisely, by the way. You'd do well to remember it…well, for as long as you'll be alive anyway." He let out a little sigh, a ponderous expression on his face. "I suppose there's no need to kill you now. You should join us at the party, you know. North American branch…it'll be good for you to come a bit late anyway. Don't want you ruining anything."

Wisely stepped away, leaving Rima slumped on the hard rock surface, her entire body now aching with every winded breath.

"Don't come too late," he reminded her.

In an instant, he disappeared, Kanda long with him. Rima struggled to her feet the moment they disappeared, attempting to reach out in the same place they had just been, but there was nothing. No remnants of a portal, no gateway to an Ark.

Panic seized her. She had absolutely no idea of what the Noah wanted to do precisely, but the fact that Wisely had dropped so many hints about the Second Exorcists meant that everything revolved around Kanda, and they were most likely not going to treat him well.

Rima began to run again, ignoring the pain ridden throughout her body and heading back towards the Ark entrance that she had come through. It was miles away though, and in her condition, she knew that she wasn't going to get there in time. She stopped and doubled over, sparing a few seconds to catch her breath after running a few hundred meters. The golden locket at her neck dangled right in front of her nose, taunting, tantalizing.

There was not much time left.

There was never any time left.

Rima gritted her teeth and clutched the locket in hand, breathing harshly.

There was not one second of hesitation.

And even though Cross had told her, so many times, that his spell would not yield by her own force, the locket broke away easily.

As if it knew her will and her purpose.

And was bringing things full circle.

It still took her too long to get there.

Rima bolted inside the entrance of the Ark labeled "North America" and was greeted by pandemonium, by rubble and continual explosions that lighted up the landscape. She could feel the effects of staying Critical grip at her body even though the only limbs she had activated were her legs. She forced herself to continue; there was no time to stop and rest. Her silver eyes scanned the broken scenery in front of her for any sign of Kanda, as her sensing abilities were dulled by the multitude of Noah nearby.

It took a few seconds, but she found him. No wonder it had taken so long to find him – Kanda's appearance was drastically different, with his hair now lighter and his eyes frenzied as he battled with his opponent. It took her even longer to recognize Kanda's adversary, and her eyes widened at the realization.

It was Alma. Different, surely, much more malignant and emitting an aura of evil, but essentially him.

It winded her. Alma was definitely dead – she had seen his body, had ascertained that fact the best she could. But Alma was up and about, moving and fighting, though the constituents of his body were nothing along the lines of human. And Kanda as well – he was not normal. There was something staged about this entire scenario, and it was dangerous – Kanda couldn't keep up as he was, with his life force slowly undergoing attrition. Rima straightened up, her grip renewed on the hilt of her Innocence even though her breaths were growing ever more raspy.

Before she could move, however, a presence appeared behind her.

"Surprised?" said a smooth voice that never failed to send chills down her spine.

Rima spun around, her blade colliding with Tyki Mikk's hand instantaneously.

"I thought it was you," he said. "This is the form you take when you deal 'pure Innocence damage,' isn't it? Though you look a bit different – it seems like you haven't activated everything you could. Feeling tired, perhaps?"

"What's that to you?" she snapped, shakily drawing in a breath.

"Nothing at all – it probably makes killing you a lot easier, albeit a tad boring. We can pause for a bit though, if you want," he offered, "and I can explain everything to you before we kill you. You might as well know – I promise I won't attack during that time span."

"You really don't think—"

She couldn't finish her sentence. A wave of nausea passed over her and her entire body grew rigid – she doubled over, coughing and gasping, as the silver armor of her Critical form slinked away and returned her body to its normal state. The loosely attached locket once again dangled in front of her neck; there was a crack that stretched to the keyhole, and yet she had no more power to continue maintaining her Critical form.

The effects weren't the normal repercussions of going Critical. There was something about it – something ultimately worse and more painful than just the familiar nausea – she could feel her entire body shake from the effort it took her to stay awake, to even stay alive, as her life force whittled away quickly.

"I suppose you're connected to the entire scheme of things as well," said Tyki. "Alma Karma's awakened, Kanda Yuu has gone rather insane, and you are feeling the consequences of being connected to Kanda's ebbing life force through bodily pain."

"How…" she managed to say, "did you resurrect…Alma?"

"Resurrect?" said Tyki, bemused. "Sweet, he was never dead to begin with. That's just what the Order wanted you to believe. In reality, Alma was—"

"I don't care," she said.

"…Mm?" said Tyki, eyebrows raised.

"I don't care," she repeated, gaining a bit more control over her state of mind, "about Alma. What's wrong…with Yuu?"

"He's gone past his capabilities," said Tyki nonchalantly. "He's eating away his life at a rate unsustainable to his body, and pretty soon he'll die just from sheer exhaustion—"

Rima did not need to hear anything else. She straightened up even though she could feel her insides scream in protest and flew past Tyki at a speed comparable to one she could've achieved at the pinnacle of her strength. She skidded to a stop in the middle of Kanda and Alma's fight, narrowly avoiding some sort of blast from Alma's hands, and faced Kanda, colliding her blade against Mugen's. The sheer power from Kanda sent her sliding back, but Rima held her ground, her eyes scanning Kanda's face for signs of his mental stability. His eyes were bloodshot and his face was distorted in a way that showed telltale signs of insanity.

"Yuu, it's me," she said breathlessly as she parried another blow. "Listen, it's just me, calm down—"

It was as effective as talking to a rampant bull, completely useless. She gritted her teeth and blocked Mugen, this time much more shallowly. The mere pressure from Kanda's attack cut into her neck and she winced; the exhaustion and pain were beginning to catch up to her, and she knew that she could not last much longer. Already, the numbness accompanied with every Critical venture was beginning to crawl into her system; time was beginning to tick away.

There was never enough time.

Suddenly, Alma's hand shot out from behind across Rima's shoulder, cutting it into her skin deeply and out towards Kanda. The blow hit Kanda symmetrically and the two of them jolted in opposite directions, pushing Rima outside from the muddle and sending her flying against a mass of rubble.

Her body was already accustomed to the pain, and the added bludgeon to her head was almost ignorable. Rima stood back up as quickly as she could, her vision nearly failing with every system shutting down. She convinced herself she didn't care.

She dragged herself back amidst the fight, her weary eyes trying to find the best course of action. Alma did not matter. He was dead, as far as Rima was concerned. The only thing that mattered was for Kanda to stop. And she could not immobilize Kanda without killing him – if she were even capable of that at this point.

So she would aim to kill Alma instead.

Alma and Kanda were fighting in the air now, both of them having reached heights in their strength that hardly keep up with at this point. She watched them, blinking away the increasing sense of numbness that was colonizing her limbs, and searched for an opening.

Just as Alma twisted his body to the side to avoid Kanda attacking directly in front of him, Rima leapt up above Alma and aimed to slash downward. It was useless before she even finished executing it – every one of her movements was slow and ungainly; the sheer weight of Gin no Tsuki was too much for her arm to bear, and the slash was shaky and unbearably sluggish.

Alma moved at the precise moment that the claymore would've connected with back, revealing from beneath him Kanda, who was attacking from below. Rima's eyes widened and she instantly pulled her weapon aside to avoid hitting him. The gesture left her open and defenseless.

Kanda had no time to stop his attack, and she had no energy or time to move.

She saw the blade enter her before she felt it.

Right through her heart. Right where it hurt the least. She didn't know why – it was supposed it hurt, but…but it didn't. There was no pain as it entered her, no pain when she saw the blood blossom over her white undershirt, no pain when Mugen pulled out and fell away from sight.

Her hand unconsciously released her weapon; Gin no Tsuki clattered to the ground and she followed, collapsing onto the ground with a thud. The blood began to pool around her; she could feel it dampen her clothes and her skin. She could feel her breath gradually slipping away as a stream of blood entered her throat. She coughed, feeling the blood trickle down her chin, but she did not brush it away. Could not brush it away. Not one bit of her could move; her body seemed to have shut down, and she could only stare straight ahead of her, up into the sky.

Someone grabbed her by the shoulders and pulled her up to sitting position. A shaking arm steadied her, and she stared blankly in front of her to see who it was, though she already knew based on the mere familiarity of his touch.

Kanda looked normal again – his hair had returned to its normal lovely black, his face was no longer twisted in madness but instead elegant and smooth, save for his expression of utmost shock mixed with anguish. He was shaking as he looked down at her, his mouth was forming inaudible words, and yet all of this was lost on her as she just stared back at him. It took so much energy for her to shake her head just slightly; she opened her mouth to speak, but no words came.

Oh, God.

There was so much she wanted to say.

This wasn't the way it was supposed to end. It was supposed to be peaceful. It was supposed to be so natural, so unavoidable, imminent and expected.

Not like this.

She couldn't stand looking at his face. Not him with that expression. Tears began to slide down her face – how could she cry but not speak? Those tears were so useless, would only make him feel worse, but she couldn't stop them.

He had to know. It wasn't his fault. She was going to have died regardless. She wouldn't have survived that last Critical venture. She wouldn't have survived three more months.

It's not your fault. I swear, it's not, please don't look like that.

His face was twisted now, every line etched with unadulterated despair and regret. His arms stabilized as he wrapped both arms tightly around her body and pulled it to his chest, encasing her in that familiar warmth they had shared during the last few months of utter tranquility.

It was at this moment where she felt it all. At the last minute, she was completely connected, and every emotion that Kanda was feeling flooded into her. Guilt, torment, grief, the budding sensations of self-loathing. And yet what hit her the most was fear, the fear of loneliness, the fear of being left completely alone in the world.

She struggled to speak – he had to know, she knew, she'd still be there, somehow, some way – but it wasn't enough, she knew, she was so sorry, so, so sorry, didn't want to leave, didn't want to die, didn't want to leave him alone without at least one word of reassurance, one last word of comfort – she gasped for breath, trying so difficultly to manage just one word, but it wouldn't come. Kanda's hand wove into her hair, pressing her head firmly against his shoulder. He said nothing, just breathed shallowly next to her ear, his entire body trembling as renewed sorrow and pain washed over them. She could feel the tears slide down her cheeks as her vision began to fade, as the world began to blacken.

"I'm…" She choked out. "I'm so sorry."

I'm sorry for leaving. I'm sorry for dying. I'm sorry that life was never the way we wanted it to be. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

There was no time, nothing else. She struggled – she tried – she really did. Resigned though she was to her fate, she didn't want to die. Her arm weighed so much, so, so much, but she tried to move it, tried to bring it up and hold him back one more time, but it barely moved.

One last attempt.

Her arm moved, finally, so slowly, and she curled it around his neck, into his hair, conveying anything that she could at the moment, apology, reassurance, love. Kanda's embrace grew stronger – he knew. It was ending.

She could feel her eyelids finally flutter closed.

Her eyes were fixated on the sky above her as they began to shut. One Last Redemption.

The sky was blue.

He was standing among coffins.

Row after row, thousands of the same black wooden boxes all stacked neatly in the gigantic morgue hidden deep in the basement of the Black Order.

There were no bodies, only ashes.

He didn't know how long it had been. How long it had taken him to finally drag himself to this place, to this one coffin that contained the faint remnants of the only reason for his survival.

To think that nothing remained, only ashes.

He hadn't been able to see her body after it had been cleaned up. If there had been a funeral, he hadn't known, nor would he have gone if he had. He didn't know how he would've reacted if he did see her corpse. Deathly pallor, unmoving lips, closed eyes. Inanimate, un-breathing, un-alive.

Kanda opened the coffin slowly, his arm straining to even lift up the heavy lid. He half-expected to see her face, and was nearly disappointed when he saw nothing but black dust scattered across the otherwise empty insides of the coffin. That measly amount was all she had been made of.

He let the lid fall from his hand; it arched over its hinges and fell against the floor with a resounding boom that echoed in the atrium. Kanda just gazed listlessly in front of him, unfeeling. There was nothing to feel anymore. Nothing to say, nothing to see, nothing to consume him, not even remorse or sorrow, nothing except for gnawing guilt. And even that sensation was slowly fading away into numbness, a mental state of oblivion where he didn't have to think because he didn't want to think.

Those first few nights had been…

He had been alone. For the first time in so long, he had been alone, utterly and completely alone, and not just physically, but there was this lost connection in his head, this missing part in his entire being that felt as if someone had taken his soul and ripped it into mismatched puzzle pieces while taking an essential one away entirely. He was disturbed, distorted, damaged beyond human repair.

And to think that he had been the one to do it, to have her disappear – he had been the trigger in her death and in his own miserable survival thereafter.

So what was the point?

In surviving now?

He had contemplated it – the notion of suicide. Of following her, but if there was oblivion, he didn't know about it – if there was a heaven, he wasn't sure – if he could follow her in any way possible, he didn't even know if a path existed. And they had so adamantly established that they would not follow each other out of their own wills – but he had said that to her, thinking that he would not be the one left behind with this awful sensation of being absolutely alone.

No tears had come. Nothing had happened after she died, after he had clutched her frail body against his for one last time, trying to immerse himself in that familiar warmth and sustain it for as long as possible even though the blood was flowing at a rate he didn't know was possible, even though her breaths were growing shallower with every passing second, even though her voice was ebbing away with every reassurance and apology she was straining to get through with the last vestiges of life her body contained.

He hadn't said anything. Hadn't said one word to her as he held her when she died, hadn't even tried to say an apology because he hadn't known if he could've gotten the words out.

And she had…had just died, disappeared, left.

Kanda was abruptly aware of an acute feeling in his chest that was beginning to pain him; it relieved him, letting him know that he could at least feel something at this point, but it was just pain, a sharp sting with every breath he drew.

Still, no tears came.

He suddenly heard someone approach him from behind but simply repressed the instinctive urge to whirl around and guard himself. There was no purpose any longer – at this point, he half-hoped it would be some malicious Noah who would be more than happy to kill him.

"About time you came," said Lavi's voice.

Kanda didn't answer.

Lavi walked to his side so that they were standing abreast, and he looked down at the open coffin as well.

"They cremated her," he said. "Earlier than normal, too. They were worried the Earl would get to you."

Kanda was only barely listening. The Earl could bring the dead back. His conscience only feebly reminded him that she would've just been a twisted soul who would've taken over his body.

"…It's been a month, Kanda. The war's still going on – even though Allen destroyed Alma and set back the Noah's plans – we've got to prepare. We have no idea what's going to happen next – things aren't going to get better if we just wait around. You can't stay like this – no one's seen you eat anything in ages. In fact, no one's seen you at all. I know you're—"

"Tell me what you think you know and I'll rip you apart," Kanda snapped, his voice hoarse from not speaking in so long.

Lavi didn't reply for a moment, letting the silence burden their shoulders.

"…She was going to die soon," said Lavi halfheartedly.

Kanda turned his deadened eyes to Lavi, his expression near incredulity at Lavi's inconsideration.

"Don't look at me like that," said the Bookman. "I'm just stating the facts. She was sick, she was not getting any better, and she only had a while—"

"Shut up."

"Kanda—"

"Shut up."

Lavi looked at him helplessly, lost for what other words he could offer in comfort. But Kanda didn't need any comforting. He didn't need anything anymore

"I want you to kill me."

Lavi stared.

"W-what?"

"Kill me. Run me through. I don't care how you do it."

"You're insane – I'm not going to kill you – this isn't what Rima would've wanted."

"What Rima wanted doesn't matter anymore – if you happened to forget, she's dead."

"Killing yourself isn't going to make it any better—"

"Do it."

Lavi's eyes hardened. "Do it yourself. I don't want your blood on my hands."

Kanda didn't have the energy to continue arguing. He had known from the beginning that Lavi wouldn't do it. No one in the Black Order would. There was still the war, there was still something to accomplish for them, and they needed all the manpower they could get, but for Kanda, there was absolutely no purpose anymore. He didn't care. He hadn't cared from the start. Because now that the only thing in the world he cared for was gone, he saw no reason to continue existing. He would not continue to stay alive. A faint resolution began to make its way into his mind, ensnaring any logic and conscience left in him.

Something fluttered up above them, and both their heads unconsciously turned to find the source of the noise.

A silver Golem glided towards Kanda, stopping right in front of him.

"That's…Rima's Golem, isn't it?" said Lavi.

Tsuki turned to Lavi and waved its hands, as if gesturing for Lavi to leave.

"What's it doing?" said Lavi.

"…It's asking you to leave," said Kanda dully.

"…She left something behind for you."

"…Leave."

Lavi nodded uncertainly, his feet twisting in the direction of the exit.

"Kanda…don't do anything stupid."

There were no guarantees, but Kanda did not voice his thoughts as Lavi's footsteps died away into the darkness. Only once the heavy doors of the morgue closed did Tsuki open its mouth, and out emitted mechanical whirring from its depth, as if it were extracting some hidden piece of data. Kanda sat down, leaning against the container of Rima's remains, and let the Golem settle in his open palms.

There was one final click from the Golem, and then, silence.

It stretched on for so long that Kanda's unconsciously raised hopes began to dampen – but just when he was about to break the Golem in half out of sheer fallen hopes, it started.

Hey.

The throbbing in his chest doubled upon hearing the one word, the sole syllable, and he could not help but close his eyes out of pain as the waves of sorrow he had numbed began to pour into his body again.

I know. I know it hurts. I know…and I'm so sorry.

Yuu, I've known for months now, that I was going to die. I went to Hevlaska one day, and she told me that I only had three months left. I knew and yet…I didn't tell you.

I'm sorry. I should have. But I didn't want anything to change. Not our situation, but the way we were when we were around each other. That…that peace. How I felt when I was just sitting next to you. I didn't want you to suddenly change and waste time looking for a way to help me – there are just some things you know when they're happening to you, and I knew…there was nothing else.

I know you're hurting. I know – it's that feeling of loneliness, when everyone's been cut off from you. Or when you've cut everyone else off. When nothing else matters.

There was a pause.

Yuu, please. Please don't hurt yourself. We made a promise. Please.

I…I hope you're not taking things…too hard. I hope you're okay. I hope with every bit of my existence that you won't hurt yourself.

Yuu, I…sometimes, I don't know what to say. As comfort. I know it's…it's worse coming from me. I know you'll innately hate me for…for leaving. For leaving you alone.

I want to say that you're not alone. That there are people around you who are supporting you. But I can't say that. I know – there's no one left.

But Yuu, that's not the end of everything. I've given this a lot of thought. Death, I mean. The afterlife. I've said before, there's nothing that scares me so much than Death. The idea of passing away into nothing, the idea of becoming dust, of no longer breathing and seeing and smelling and living…it's terrifying. And the worst part was wondering what would happen past that. What would happen to you. Not being able to have that…connection with you, to not be there with you and just feel as peaceful as I could be.

But I know there's something past this life. I know there's a heaven. I know our souls will always transcend this kind of life, because there has to be somewhere we must go. Because I can't let everything I feel for you go to waste. It is much too deep for that…it's just made of too many emotions to disappear.

Yuu…you made me happy in every way that a person could be happy. You made everything bad about life so much better. You made getting up in the morning possible. You gave me purpose. You gave me every reason I wanted to stay alive – you made my life worth living.

I know it's hard right now, Yuu. I know you're…you're thinking things. Thinking that there's no purpose. But there is. There is always a purpose to life, there is always a reason why we exist, because the things we do impact each other, and…and maybe there is another path for you. Another segment of your life where you have purpose other than the one that the Black Order is giving you. One far, far away from the reason why you were created. From holes. From artificial processing.

Are you surprised that I know it all? That we differ so much in our creation? But that's the point I'm trying to make, Yuu – in the end, we're not comprised of flesh and bones and blood, it's the soul, the mind, the memories that make it so far. Ten, twenty, thirty years from now, you're not going to look the same. No one around you is going to look the same. But your soul, the very essence of your being, will exist. And it is that soul of yours that gives you purpose – it sets you far, far apart from everything that the Black Order created you to be or ever wanted you to be. You aren't them. If you just step out of the cage you were born into, you'll find something worth living for. And maybe that something will be a…a someone…a someone worth living for. A someone else…

I…I've always wondered what drives our lives. I've always wondered if we were cursed in some way to never be perfectly happy.

But now, I don't think so. Because I am happy. I am happy with you, with everything that you ever gave to me, with the mere fact that I can exist beside you and can love you with no heartbreak in return. And sometimes, I feel like I'm focusing on the negative aspects of my life too much, because I am…I am so lucky. Not everyone in the world has a…a soulmate. Not everyone has a mutual love. And the fact that we do, the fact that we love each other unconditionally and can feel what we feel when we're around each other…it's beautiful.

So…I am happy with my life. I really am. And I want you to be as well. I want you…I want you to be away from all the things in this world that trapped you and hated you and made you feel like you had no way out. You drive your own life. You make your decisions. If you want to be happy, take the path you think will get you there. If it's leaving the Order…do it. Don't look back. Set yourself to live for yourself.

Yuu, even though I'm gone, some things won't change. I know you're aware of what existed between us. It wasn't natural. It wasn't something any other two people could feel. It was…it was deeper than any shallow sort of love that others achieve sometimes. And because it was that deep, it won't disappear. I want you to know – you need to know – that even though I am not alive, I love you. I love you more than anything and will always love you that much.

And so I'll always be there. Watching you, waiting for you, loving you. Some things in the world are timeless.

This love is one of them.

I'll be there when you stop hurting. I'll be there when you move forward. I'll be there when you've found your purpose, when you've found happiness once more.

And I'll be there when we meet each other again. Because all these emotions can't disappear. All we feel can't fade away.

I'll be there. I'll be with you forever.

For the moment, Yuu, goodbye. But this is no real goodbye. No farewell in reality.

I'm there, right beside you. I love you. And I'll stay by you.

Forever.