I Am Not American
March 21, 2009
noblebeaversocks: so how goes your excellent adventure? Gotten arrested for public indecency yet?
onceandthefuture: no it's too damn cold for that
noblebeaversocks: is your snot freezing to your nose when you step outside?
onceandthefuture: that was a month ago
onceandthefuture: now we're at the awkward slush part
onceandthefuture: where your feet get wet when you think about stepping outside
onceandthefuture: life sucks
noblebeaversocks: muffinnnnn
noblebeaversocks: is al whining the entire time?
onceandthefuture: did you just call me muffin
noblebeaversocks: because if he is, just remind him about that one time up north
noblebeaversocks: would you prefer crumpet?
onceandthefuture: both sound like I'm a cat and I take offense at that
noblebeaversocks: muffykins?
onceandthefuture: now I'm a cat with a lace doily on my head
onceandthefuture: stop it
noblebeaversocks: hahaha, for now
noblebeaversocks: so back to my idiot cousin
noblebeaversocks: how's the cold treating him
onceandthefuture: not well
onceandthefuture: it'd be hilarious if I wasn't being treated the same way
onceandthefuture: stupid northern europe weather
onceandthefuture: oh but we did find you a present
noblebeaversocks: did you now?
onceandthefuture: I'll give you a hint
onceandthefuture: we're in Finland right now
noblebeaversocks: vodka, boring hockey and reindeers?
onceandthefuture: the last one is the closest
noblebeaversocks: you got me rudolph?
noblebeaversocks: or close as in it has hooves and antlers
onceandthefuture: the latter
noblebeaversocks: damn it, i was stoked on the red nose
noblebeaversocks: does it have something to do with the time i took him hunting
onceandthefuture: I'm not sure
onceandthefuture: please, do tell me more
noblebeaversocks: he screamed like a little girl
noblebeaversocks: and fell out of the tree stand
noblebeaversocks: because there was a spider on his neck
noblebeaversocks: which i might've put there
noblebeaversocks: maybe
onceandthefuture: god I'd pay big money to see that
onceandthefuture: how old was he?
noblebeaversocks: 17
noblebeaversocks: he also almost fainted at the blood when i brought it back
onceandthefuture: so it's not not-funny because he was too little to know better
noblebeaversocks: it was a good weekend
onceandthefuture: take me next time
noblebeaversocks: bring warm clothes
noblebeaversocks: so back to my surprise
noblebeaversocks: does it involve moose?
onceandthefuture: does it involve moose
noblebeaversocks: i take it it does then
onceandthefuture: to an almost embarrassing extent
onceandthefuture: but al was having so much fun I couldn't bear it in my heart to stop him
onceandthefuture: the knife with the moose carved in the handle is very nice though
onceandthefuture: if he can get it through security when he leaves
noblebeaversocks: sounds cool
noblebeaversocks: haha remind him not to keep it in his carry on
noblebeaversocks: or maybe don't
noblebeaversocks: him getting detained in finland'd be kinda funny
onceandthefuture: england
onceandthefuture: you don't go through security taking a ferry
noblebeaversocks: ahh you're ferrying it back
onceandthefuture: yup
noblebeaversocks: he milking of your family before going home?
onceandthefuture: ferries around the northern seas
noblebeaversocks: speaking of which when is he back
onceandthefuture: he is very good at the parent sucking up
noblebeaversocks: i'm sick of feeding that monster dog of his
onceandthefuture: sometime in late April
onceandthefuture: like a month from now ish
onceandthefuture: and I'm sure she's not that bad
noblebeaversocks: he's tired of your liberal views on politics, sex and health care?
noblebeaversocks: and she's evil
noblebeaversocks: pure concentrated evil
onceandthefuture: we're all tired of travelling
noblebeaversocks: that someone forgot to mix with 3 cans of water before serving
noblebeaversocks: too many nights pent up in the same hotel room?
onceandthefuture: god
noblebeaversocks: please tell me you got mad at him at least once
noblebeaversocks: and punched him
noblebeaversocks: he deserves it
onceandthefuture: most of our fights rarely get to blows
onceandthefuture: that broken wrist is still sensitive though
onceandthefuture: just fyi
noblebeaversocks: yeah but that was from a girlllll
noblebeaversocks: and al hits weaker than a girl
onceandthefuture: you just think that because you're his size
onceandthefuture: he's not really a lightweight
noblebeaversocks: nah its because he's a girl
onceandthefuture: I think I can attest to that being false
noblebeaversocks: oh can you now
onceandthefuture: I have shared a hotel room with him close to a year now
noblebeaversocks: i've been on enough hockey tournaments to know how that ends
noblebeaversocks: so is my cous all talk and no action?
onceandthefuture: mostly talk
onceandthefuture: you have to get him past that to find the action
noblebeaversocks: no easy nights eg/
noblebeaversocks: eh?*
onceandthefuture: not anymore
noblebeaversocks: anymore?
onceandthefuture: like I said
onceandthefuture: it takes a while to get past the talk
noblebeaversocks: oooh have you moved it out of the bedroom at night?
onceandthefuture: you lost me boy
noblebeaversocks: i may have not slept for far too long
noblebeaversocks: sometimes i wonder what i'm trying to say
noblebeaversocks: then i decide it's not worth the effort
onceandthefuture: man after my own heart
noblebeaversocks: so got any good stories from your recent adventures?
onceandthefuture: hmmm
onceandthefuture: well at one point we did accidentally set a windmill on fire
noblebeaversocks: y...how what that's awesome
noblebeaversocks: tell more
onceandthefuture: hehehe
onceandthefuture: it was right after you and gil left
onceandthefuture: when we were crossing northern europe
onceandthefuture: and we went out exploring one night and there was an abandoned windmill off the road a little way
onceandthefuture: and we were bored so we wandered over there
onceandthefuture: and it was dark and moldy and gross inside
onceandthefuture: and there was some hay
onceandthefuture: and I keep a lighter on me at all times
onceandthefuture: and
onceandthefuture: well we did call the fire department anonymously before we booked it
noblebeaversocks: oh lord
noblebeaversocks: so much win
noblebeaversocks: and so much bad
onceandthefuture: we persuaded toris to leave town a different way the next day
onceandthefuture: they don't know and you're not allowed to tell them
onceandthefuture: btw
onceandthefuture: or al's parents
noblebeaversocks: or any lawful authorities
onceandthefuture: exactly
onceandthefuture: I'm pretty sure burning down a building is a felony in any language
noblebeaversocks: they have a nice fun word for it in english - arson
noblebeaversocks: now all you need is the murder and jaywalking
onceandthefuture: oh we have the jaywalking in buckets
noblebeaversocks: and the murder?
onceandthefuture: still working on that
onceandthefuture: although Al got close to animal murder somewhere in Germany with a bike and a Maltese
onceandthefuture: instead he just dented his rented bike on a lamppost
noblebeaversocks: no broken bones?
onceandthefuture: just broken pride
noblebeaversocks: good, it'll deflate that ego of his a little
onceandthefuture: there was a good amount of ego deflating on this trip
onceandthefuture: like when we went horseback riding in poland
onceandthefuture: and I'm sure you're aware that he rides
onceandthefuture: but it was an English saddle place
noblebeaversocks: and he was showing off like usual?
onceandthefuture: naturally
onceandthefuture: he exists to show off
noblebeaversocks: true that
noblebeaversocks: did he fall off over the head or the rear?
onceandthefuture: even more ignoble
onceandthefuture: the side
noblebeaversocks: ahahhaha
onceandthefuture: he just slipped right off
noblebeaversocks: please never let him live that down
onceandthefuture: of course not
onceandthefuture: and since my parents were rich toffs I was in a saddle from birth
onceandthefuture: it was one of my crowning moments to be able to ride circles around him moaning on the ground without using reins
onceandthefuture: I'll never forget it
noblebeaversocks: as it should be
noblebeaversocks: meet anyone interesting/
onceandthefuture: several
onceandthefuture: the majority of whom were related to toris
onceandthefuture: you know toris right
noblebeaversocks: we talked when you and al were sleeping off a hangover in amsterdam
onceandthefuture: I'll worry more about that later
onceandthefuture: anyway so you know how he's a nervous wreck of a worrywart
noblebeaversocks: yeahhh
onceandthefuture: well there's a reason for that
onceandthefuture: his family is utterly bonkers
noblebeaversocks: seriously?
onceandthefuture: being thrown into a family gathering feels rather like being thrown into a circus while they're collapsing the tent
onceandthefuture: but all the performers are still there
noblebeaversocks: i bet
noblebeaversocks: does he have siblings?
onceandthefuture: strangely no
onceandthefuture: it's all extended family
onceandthefuture: probably explains a lot about how he turned out
noblebeaversocks: i don't doub it
onceandthefuture: he's got more aunts than fingers
noblebeaversocks: and cousins?
onceandthefuture: aunts time five
onceandthefuture: he's the only only child from the whole bunch
noblebeaversocks: damn...
onceandthefuture: everyone else is very... well normally I'd say Catholic
onceandthefuture: but they're orthodox
noblebeaversocks: hahahahah
onceandthefuture: Irish
onceandthefuture: whatever
noblebeaversocks: lots of family dinners
onceandthefuture: oh lord
onceandthefuture: family dinners feel like land battles with troops and plunging horses and churned mud and all the bad things about battles with none of the glroy
noblebeaversocks: and you didn't have a white flag?
onceandthefuture: no such thing
onceandthefuture: surrender is not an option
onceandthefuture: either you eat or get eaten
noblebeaversocks: hahah the fight to the death
noblebeaversocks: I hope you went for their eyes
onceandthefuture: only the children's eyes
onceandthefuture: they're bigger
onceandthefuture: more full of hope
onceandthefuture: taste better
noblebeaversocks: they swarmed you didn't they
onceandthefuture: like cats to not-cat people
noblebeaversocks: hahahaha
onceandthefuture: little demons
noblebeaversocks: and al probably had his own swarm eh/
noblebeaversocks: couldn't rescue you?
onceandthefuture: of course
onceandthefuture: for entirely different reasons
onceandthefuture: children like me because i hate them
onceandthefuture: children like al because he loves them
onceandthefuture: bastard
noblebeaversocks: hahahaha
onceandthefuture: occasionally one of the aunts would step in to save me
onceandthefuture: but it never lasted long
onceandthefuture: but it was nice being with a family for a while
onceandthefuture: they all live in the same area so you can never get away from them for long
onceandthefuture: but it was almost bizarre to see toris loosen up with people besides feliks
noblebeaversocks: yeah i'm having a hard time picturing it
onceandthefuture: strange but true
onceandthefuture: they took feliks's... feliks pretty well
onceandthefuture: for an eastern european clan
noblebeaversocks: hahahahahaha
noblebeaversocks: no more attempts to set toris up with that nice girl down the street
noblebeaversocks: apparently she was 200 pounds and looks like a cow
noblebeaversocks: but "single"
noblebeaversocks: he told me he was afraid of her when we talked
onceandthefuture: hahahahahahaahahaha
onceandthefuture: no there were no potential fiances shoved in his face
onceandthefuture: probably because one of the first things feliks did when we switched cultures was switch the hand his ring was on
onceandthefuture: since they do the right-hand thing
onceandthefuture: and
onceandthefuture: he's good at making people understand who it's from
noblebeaversocks: hahahahahaha
onceandthefuture: he's territorial as hell
onceandthefuture: I fear for anyone who would try to get in his way of anything
noblebeaversocks: like al when some one threatened me as a kid
noblebeaversocks: he always forgot i was the better fighter
noblebeaversocks: it was cute
onceandthefuture: it's fuckin adorable
noblebeaversocks: i thought so
noblebeaversocks: though sometimes i had to come in and rescue him
onceandthefuture: heheheh
onceandthefuture: did you do all your training wrestling bears and whatnot
noblebeaversocks: only against the finest of grizzlies and polar bears
onceandthefuture: no match for you of course
noblebeaversocks: sometimes they tried to attack in groups of three
noblebeaversocks: i still won
onceandthefuture: no witnesses of course
onceandthefuture: speaking of bears
onceandthefuture: we almost literally ran into one in belarus
noblebeaversocks: do tell
onceandthefuture: come around a curve in the middle of the woods and there he is, just sitting in the middle of the road, licking his ass
noblebeaversocks: did he seize al up for a meal?
onceandthefuture: al was too busy trying to find a bulnt instrument in the car
onceandthefuture: the bear didn't pay us any attention
onceandthefuture: feliks scared it away with the car
onceandthefuture: damned man's a maniac behind the wheel
noblebeaversocks: while toris clings to the armrest in a suicide grip?
onceandthefuture: precisely
onceandthefuture: to be fair I might have been panicking as well
noblebeaversocks: must've been one grumpy old bear
onceandthefuture: I didn't pay attention enough to determine age
noblebeaversocks: so you had an encounter with a bear, a maltese, and a horse
noblebeaversocks: and you survived them all unscathed
onceandthefuture: through the miracle of life
noblebeaversocks: i'm surprised - i expected my cousin to have ended up in the emergency room at least once this trip
onceandthefuture: and several thousand pigeons and assorted city wildlife
onceandthefuture: well he did go to get that wrist bandaged in italy
noblebeaversocks: and no heads got crapped on?
onceandthefuture: just cars
onceandthefuture: well
onceandthefuture: pigeons can do more damage that with birdshit
noblebeaversocks: i sense a story here
onceandthefuture: your senses would be correct
onceandthefuture: madrid
onceandthefuture: early in the trip
onceandthefuture: crowded city square
onceandthefuture: several hundred pigeons
onceandthefuture: two tourists
onceandthefuture: and one fountain
noblebeaversocks: oh nooooo
onceandthefuture: let's just say I didn't talk to him for like
onceandthefuture: ... a day
onceandthefuture: he dragged me in
onceandthefuture: claimed he was 'trying to keep his balance'
onceandthefuture: bullshit
noblebeaversocks: hahahahahaa
noblebeaversocks: and i bet he didn't let you find dry shoes afterwards
onceandthefuture: no, there was a cheap vendor in the square that sold crappy clothes
onceandthefuture: including sandals
onceandthefuture: although of course he charged twice as much seeing as we were dripping wet when we approached him
onceandthefuture: he should've give nthem to us for free
onceandthefuture: I'm sure the show we unintentionally put on drew business
noblebeaversocks: hahaha glad you did your good deed for the street vendors of spain
onceandthefuture: to my eternal displeasure
onceandthefuture: those were my favorite jeans
onceandthefuture: ruined
noblebeaversocks: muffinnnn
noblebeaversocks: speaking of good deeds
onceandthefuture: why am I foodstuffs
noblebeaversocks: because its adorable
noblebeaversocks: anyway, i was going to harass al
onceandthefuture: he's asleep
noblebeaversocks: but since i'll get to do that in month
noblebeaversocks: i figured, otherwise he'd have done something obnoxious by now
onceandthefuture: asleep on me
noblebeaversocks: awwwwww
onceandthefuture: because even when unconscious he finds ways to annoy me
onceandthefuture: he's bloody heavy
noblebeaversocks: hahahaha
noblebeaversocks: its all those cheeseburgers
onceandthefuture: mooseburgers
onceandthefuture: they sell those
onceandthefuture: they actually exist
noblebeaversocks: i bet they're not as good as mine
onceandthefuture: one day you'll have to prove that to me
noblebeaversocks: oh i will
noblebeaversocks: might have to make some moose chili for you too
onceandthefuture: oh lord
noblebeaversocks: thought you'd approve
onceandthefuture: so al's hunch about the moose jerky was correct I see
noblebeaversocks: i love you too
noblebeaversocks: two*
onceandthefuture: you're welcome
noblebeaversocks: tell al I said that
onceandthefuture: I will
noblebeaversocks: then call him a jerkface
onceandthefuture: bahahah
onceandthefuture: duly noted
noblebeaversocks: excellent
noblebeaversocks: anyway, as much as i'd love to harras you guys some more
noblebeaversocks: i have a date with kuma and a large chunk of moose
onceandthefuture: can't delay that
noblebeaversocks: nah, otherwise he might try and eat one of his keepers
noblebeaversocks: and then there's all sorts of nasty paperwork
onceandthefuture: I thought they kept them too well fed for that
noblebeaversocks: he lulls them into a false sense of security
onceandthefuture: now I understand why you empathize with a giant spirit bear so well
noblebeaversocks: you have no idea
noblebeaversocks: he devoured my spirit wolf
onceandthefuture: ... I won't even aks
onceandthefuture: ask
noblebeaversocks: you probably shouldn't
noblebeaversocks: it was after three days of fasting
noblebeaversocks: and a lot of time in the sweat lodge
noblebeaversocks: the details are kinda fuzzy
onceandthefuture: is this a literal or metaphorical devouring
noblebeaversocks: like i said
noblebeaversocks: the details are pretty fuzzy
onceandthefuture: oh you poor child
onceandthefuture: whatever will I do with you
noblebeaversocks: use me to keep your american on a tight leash
onceandthefuture: right
noblebeaversocks: *beams*
onceandthefuture: you do have your uses in that regard
noblebeaversocks: just don't let him hurt himself in these last weeks
noblebeaversocks: he's going to get into enough trouble back home
onceandthefuture: you know al
onceandthefuture: trouble finds him
noblebeaversocks: and sometimes his friends help it towards him
noblebeaversocks: ahh well, have fun with my cousin
onceandthefuture: I do
onceandthefuture: I will
noblebeaversocks: i'm too tired to touch that one
noblebeaversocks: at the moment
noblebeaversocks: ...
onceandthefuture: ...
onceandthefuture: good
noblebeaversocks: hehehe
onceandthefuture: right
onceandthefuture: well
noblebeaversocks: i'll feed kuma a slab of meat for you
onceandthefuture: ... thank you
onceandthefuture: I think
noblebeaversocks: hahaha
noblebeaversocks: cya art
onceandthefuture: bye matt
{A/N: IT'S DONE! IT'S FINALLY DONE! Well, this isn't it, but there are two more chapters after this that are already written and then IT' E! *throws confetti*
Anyway, this is the last appearance Canada and my Canadian will make. She's been the best, because even though she's not been into Hetalia except through me for years, she still puts up with me talking about it constantly and helps me write this. Really, this entire universe is a big testament to our friendship and the last almost-three years of it. There are some milestones in our lives buried in here, and the characters all have pieces of us and our relationship in them.
So this is my sappy dedication of BKIH and WTR to her. Bow down in praise and thanksgiving to Sami, the expert Canadian.}