Chapter 36: Feeling
December 14, 2010

EPOV

"Do you want anymore, babe?" Bella asked me.

I wanted to say yes because the full breakfast she cooked was absolutely amazing, but I didn't think my stomach could have taken any more. I already had two huge plates with bacon, eggs, home fries, and toast. Bella's cooking was amazing and she has been cooking breakfasts like this since she got back.

It really was too much, and she was really wearing herself out with how much she has been trying to do everything for us all the time. She was constantly cleaning, cooking, or doing stuff for us every second of the day it seems. I only got her to really relax with me for a little while in the day. She was trying too hard. This day in therapy will hopefully help with that.

"No, I think that's enough for me today." She nodded and brought the pan with her back to the stove. "Bella, come, sit down and eat." Yeah, that whole time I was eating and the kids were eating, she was doing dishes and glass refills.

"I will eat later. I'm not that hungry right now." She turned the faucet on and started washing a pan.

I sighed and turned back to the table where Peyton and Liam were both eating silently. They were only silent because their mouths were full though.

"I get to finger paint today, Daddy." Peyton told me as she stabbed a potato with her fork. Everything on her plate was mixed together including her toast which was covered in ketchup. That is pretty disgusting if you ask me, but it doesn't bother Peyton.

"That's nice, princess."

"But it is so weird…why would you want to paint your fingers?" Peyton wondered.

Bella and I both laughed and Liam rolled his eyes. "You don't paint on your fingers, you paint with your fingers, crazy." Liam said.

"Oh really?" She asked, completely interested despite the fact that Liam called her crazy. "That's even weirder, why don't you just use a paint brush?"

We all laughed this time and she just shrugged.

"Just enjoy the experience, honey, it's fun." I said and she smiled at me and kept on eating.

I heard the faucet turn off behind me and then Bella's voice. "Alright, well I am going to put my shoes on and then we can leave."

I got up. "I can bring them to school, Bella."

"No, sit down, baby. I can bring them. You can rest; you are the one who has work anyway."

"I don't have work until four. I'm bringing them." There was no way I was going to let this go. She really was working way too hard and I needed to make her stop it. I don't mind her helping, but she can't do everything.

"But Edward…" I shut her up by giving her a quick kiss on the mouth, and she relaxed under my touch.

I kissed her again. "I'm bringing them. Got it?"

"Edward please let me do this..."

"No." I gave her another peck.

She sighed and I could feel it on my face since we were so close. "Please?" She asked once again.

"No…I am the man, and I say no."

She chuckled and I kissed her again. "I hate you." She said.

"I love you."

"Yeah I was just kidding, I love you too."

"So I am going right?"

"Fine, but you have to give me another kiss or it's not happening."

"Not a kiss!" I said in mock fear and she shut me up with her lips.

It was moments like this where we can just joke around and kiss and be ourselves that I realize that my Bella was still here. It was still her, and I still loved her completely, but she is just acting differently and I would do anything to help her find that balance.

"Stop kissing or I am running away!" Liam suddenly yelled and banged his hand on the top of the table. Bella and I pulled away and laughed at him.

"No! Liam don't run away!"Peyton cried. Unlike Liam, she was serious. She sounded on the verge of tears actually.

"Peyton, I was just kidding, chill out." Liam said in a softer, soothing voice to Peyton. He must have noticed how the thought of him running away made her upset.

"Oh thank God, you scared the bujeebers out of me, Liam." She had her little hand over her heart and Bella and I laughed.

"Alright, come on you two, it's time to go to school." I said and they both got up from the table. Bella went to go pick up their plates. "Bella, no. Let them clean up their own plates."

Liam and Peyton both sighed in annoyance at having to do it, but otherwise didn't make a fuss. Luckily Bella did listen to me, even though I know she was tempted not to. But this was different; making our children do chores was a way of building their character in a way. They don't need to get used to having everything be done for them. Bella understood that it was best for them.

All three of us were bundled up and ready to go face the cold in a matter of 10 minutes. With it being so close to Christmas, and the middle of December, it was already starting to snow. Bella had both of them bundled up really well, but they were at least still able to breathe and move. Bella kissed the spots on their faces that were visible and they hugged her the best they could with their puffy jackets. Bella got up from hugging them and gave me a quick kiss. I wasn't wearing a hat; I just had my hood up.

I picked up Peyton so she wouldn't slip down the steps and we shuffled to the car. Peyton begged me to stop and make a snowball for her on the way, but I told her no. She wasn't planning on throwing it; she just wanted to hold it. She got mad at me and was pouting in the back seat. I got in the car and started driving off.

"Peyton, don't be mad at me. You can't just hold a snowball the whole ride to school."

"Why not?" She was still pouting with her arms crossed as best she could with her jacket.

"It will melt! Snow is just really cold water."

"It's just water, Daddy. Water dries."

I sighed. "That's not the point. You would get cold."

"I don't mind being cold."

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever, Peyton, I'm not fighting with you about this." I saw her sticking her tongue out at me in the rear view mirror but decided to just act like I never saw it. I wasn't in the mood to get in a fight with my three year old on the pros and cons on holding a fucking snowball.

"Hey, Dad?" Liam asked.

"Yeah, bud?"

"Do you and Grampie Charlie have to work tonight?" It was still a little strange hearing them refer to him as their grandfather.

Bella, Charlie, and I sat down with them the day after Bella found out and we told them that Charlie was Bella's father and that in turn meant that he was their grandfather. They obviously had a lot of questions, but between the three of us, we answered them all the best we could, and they seemed satisfied at the end. Actually, they were ecstatic at having another grandfather.

Bella was happy about Charlie being her father. Her reaction to the news was nothing I wasn't expecting, and I just knew that after the initial shock and confusion, Bella would welcome him with open arms. Bella was a very loving person, but she just never found the right people to give that love to. So Bella having her father to give that love to, made her happy, and I loved seeing her happy.

"Yes we do, why do you ask?"

"I don't know. I was kind of hoping we could go to the baseball field like we did on Sunday."

Sunday was the day we told the kids about Charlie, and in celebration, we all went to the park. By 'all' I mean Bella, myself, the kids, Charlie, Sue, Seth, and Destiny. It was a really great day and it was nice seeing Bella interacting with her new family. She was actually pretty shy, but she ended up opening up more.

Her and Seth got to talking for a little while, and Bella acquired a new admirer. Little Destiny was in absolute love with Bella right from the get-go. She was only about three months, but I could tell she recognized Bella. She would snuggle up in Bella's arms when Bella held her, and would cry if anyone took her away. It made Bella smile, so I in turn smiled.

"We can't be doing that every day, but maybe we can make it a tradition. Sunday will be 'going to the park and having family around day'."

"Can we invite Nana and Grandpa too?"

"Sure." I was hoping they would be okay with that.

My family didn't know about Charlie yet, but we were planning on telling them. My side of the family were so caught up on everything else in their lives that we don't talk as much. At least that is what I tell myself. I hope that they don't call me as much because of Bella or else I would be pissed off. They were too judgmental about Bella, and I would wait patiently for them to get the sticks out of their asses if that is what their problem was.

Because in the end, I would always side with Bella.

When I got home, I went into the back to get the shovel and clear off the steps and the driveway. The snow was really starting to build up, and I didn't want people slipping all over the place. When I was finished, I put salt on the steps and walked into the house.

The heated house felt great and I took off my wet boots and pants at the door. I picked them up and brought them to the laundry room and slipped on a pair of pajama bottoms that Bella already had folded on top of the dryer. I left my wet coat in there as well, and then went to find Bella. I was surprised she didn't come outside and make me leave while she shoveled the driveway herself with the way she has been acting.

All my questions were answered though when I found her in the living room. She was sitting cross legged on the couch with a baby lying on her chest. I knew from the full head of jet black hair that it was Destiny and her big blue eyes were open and looking in my direction. She was content just lying on Bella as Bella was running her hand through her hair.

"Uh…Bella is there something you have to tell me?" I asked teasingly as I walked into the room.

"Yes Edward, I had a baby while you were gone. I have been keeping it a secret this whole time. Please don't hate me." I laughed at her comeback and sat down beside her so I could see Destiny's face.

"Hey, pretty baby." I said to Destiny and ran my finger along her cheek. She smiled slightly and I smiled back. "Not that I'm complaining, but what is she doing here?" I asked Bella.

"Andrea bailed once again." She said with a sigh.

"Are you serious?" Bella nodded and I looked back down at Destiny. She was so little and innocent and her mother was being such a bitch. She has Seth of course, but a mother is important to a child. "What a bitch."

"I know. It pisses me the hell off." She inhaled sharply and let her breath out quickly. She was getting worked up about it, and I think I know why.

"Hey." I wrapped my arm around her shoulders. "Calm down, love." She rested her head on my shoulder, but she was still tense. "Things will work out. She has Seth; she has all her family including you…"

"I know that, babe, but she will want to know what having a mother feels like."

"Maybe she will turn her life around and she will, or maybe Seth gets a new girlfriend or…"

"I don't really want to talk about it anymore, Edward."

I dropped it and tried to keep from snapping. She kept on shutting me out. It was driving me absolutely insane and it frustrated me to no end. Bella never shuts me out. She always spoke her mind to me because we were best friends. Now she was shutting me out, and I was really getting sick of it.

I hope our therapy session can give me some piece of mind because I needed her.

"Okay." I said.

"Don't think I forgot our appointment though. I told Seth, and apparently Andrea will be here to pick her up at 11, so we will have plenty of time."

"Okay." I took my arm out from around her and shifted so I was facing her with my arms out. "Let me hold her."

Bella smiled at me and started lifting Destiny from her chest while supporting her head. Destiny instantly started whimpering. "It's okay, honey, you are just going to see Uncle Edward."

She lifted her and passed her over to me. She was curled up with her little arms stretched out. She was so small. I gently placed her in the crook of my right arm so she could still have view of Bella, but she was still whimpering and squirming.

"Oh come on, Destiny, you always let her hold you. Do I smell or something?"

Bella chuckled and scooted over towards me so she was tucked into my side and she was able to run her left hand through Destiny's hair. Just her touch made her calm down a little and relax in my arms.

"There you go. See, she doesn't think you smell." I smiled down at the baby. "But me on the other hand, I think you are smelling kind of funny."

I gasped in mock horror. "Take that back!"

"Make me."

"Oh you are so lucky I have Destiny holding me back right now." She laughed loudly and buried her face in my chest to stifle her laughs since she made poor Destiny jump at the sound.

"You're insane."

I shrugged. "Oh well." I pulled her closer and kissed her forehead. "So uh…what do you think about maybe doing this again?"

"Doing what again?"

"Oh you know, babies…more children."

"You want more kids?" She asked while looking at me.

"Well sure, I mean only if you want to."

She looked back down at Destiny who was now playing with Bella's hand. "I would love more kids, just not now, you know?"

"Oh of course not, I know that, I just mean in the future. I think it would be nice. I mean our spawns are pretty cute."

She laughed but hit me on the shoulder. "Don't call our children 'spawns'."

"What? I said they were cute too." I said defensively.

She laughed. "Yeah they are, aren't they?" I nodded. "So you want to make a deal now? We will try for another spawn in the near future." He held her pinky out to me and I chuckled.

I linked my pinky with hers. "Deal."

Bella leg was bouncing up and down in her spot beside me.

I didn't know if it was her nerves for the session we were about to have, or having to face Destiny's mother not too long ago. She showed up 45 minutes late, and she showed up with one of her new boyfriends to pick Destiny. I didn't get a good look of him, but I could see the cigarette dangling from his hand that was stretched out the window. The situation must have hit too close to home with Bella and she has been practically unresponsive since they drove off.

Now we were in the waiting room waiting for Julia to call us in. I'm not going to lie, I was even nervous myself. I don't know why, because this was me and Bella we were talking about, but I guess I was just afraid that this therapy wouldn't work.

"Edward, Bella, Julia will see you now." The secretary said.

Bella and I exchanged a look, and I reached down to grab her hand. She gave mine a squeeze and we walked to Julia's office together.

My nerves were twisting with every step that we took closer to the door. I didn't understand it, but I guess a part of me was afraid this will be for nothing. I feared that we would be stuck in this spot for a really long time.

Bella seemed more put together than how I was feeling. Either that or she was hiding it from me. When we got inside, Julia was already sitting at her chair with her yellow pad of paper on her lap. She was writing something down but looked up when she saw us.

"Edward, Bella, just take a seat across from me." She said gesturing to the loveseat in front of her.

Bella lead us over to it, and she sat on the right and I on the left. We sat on each end of the couch; we weren't that close to each other. The only contact we had was our enjoined hands between us.

Julia looked back up at us. "How are the two of you this afternoon?"

"Good." We both said at the same time. We looked at each other and smiled slightly. When I got a good look at her eyes, I could tell she was nervous too.

Julia chuckled. "Okay, well why don't we just get started alright. Bella, I understand that you are having a little trouble adjusting to things at home, am I correct?"

Bella shrugged. "I think I am doing alright."

"I disagree." I said. If we were going to be doing this, I needed to be completely honest.

Julia looked to me. "Okay, Edward, why do you disagree?"

I looked over to Bella and she wasn't looking at me. She was resting her head on her hand and looking in the distance. I could tell she was at least listening though.

"She hasn't been the same."

"The same meaning…" Julia asked, waiting for me to finish.

"She isn't being herself. I know she is in there. I still love her completely, but she is trying too hard."

"Trying hard to do what exactly?" Julia asked and wrote something down on her paper.

"I don't really know. It seems like she is punishing herself or something."

Julia looked to Bella. "Is that true, Bella? Are you punishing yourself?"

Bella put her hand down that was supporting her head and took a deep breath. "I…I wouldn't say punishing…or maybe that is it. I deserve it though."

"You don't at all, Bella." I said looking over at her. She still refused to meet my eyes.

"I know that's what you think, but I do deserve it. I feel I don't even deserve to be in the same household as you and the kids after what I did to you." She said softly and started picking at a piece of lint on her pants. Our hands were still clasped between us.

"Bella that is just stupid…"

"Wait." Julia said. "Edward, she doesn't need to be attacked."

"I'm not attacking her…"

"I know you may not feel like you are, but you just told her what she is feeling is stupid and that is not true, Edward. Her feelings are very normal."

I didn't say anything after that. I was irrationally upset at that moment. I wasn't so much upset with Bella, it was just upsetting me to think that was how she was feeling. She doesn't deserve to feel that way. What kind of husband was I if I didn't make sure my wife felt secure and good about herself and her position in our family?

"Now, Edward, do you want to tell me what Bella has been doing that concerns you the most?"

"Sure, uh, she is always over doing everything. She cleans the house constantly. Does every little thing for the kids, and she pretty much makes it so I don't have to lift a finger. And sometimes I can feel her pulling herself away from me. She shuts me out at random intervals."

Julia nodded and looked to Bella. "What do you have to say about that, Bella?"

She shrugged. "He is right. I do try and do everything." She finally looked at me. "And I don't mean to shut you out, baby, I just…" She stopped and looked away with a deep breath.

"What, love?" I asked.

"I just feel that if I do those things, I can somehow make up for all that time that I left you to do all of that on your own. I feel so small being with you, Edward, and it isn't because I don't think you love me, because I know you do and it isn't because I don't love you. I love you so much it goes beyond anything I have ever felt, but I don't feel worthy." She took another deep breath and I knew she was holding back her tears. "You are just everything that is good in my eyes, and I don't feel like I could ever live up to that."

I didn't know what to say. My first instinct was to tell her she was wrong, because she was 100% wrong, but I didn't want to hurt her feelings or 'attack' her like Julia said earlier.

"Bella…that's not true." I kept it simple.

"Edward is right, Bella. All of these feelings you have are normal, okay? But you need to look outside that and see just how irrational it is. You and Edward are married. You promised to love each other through thick and thin, sickness and health, and to me, you both have done that."

"Bella, she is right. I don't feel in any way, shape, or form that you are lower than me, love." She was looking away from me, but I wanted her to look at me on her own accord. I wanted her to be comfortable. "You are my equal; we have been one in the same for as long as I can remember. You made a mistake, yes. I know that, Bella. I made a lot of sacrifices for you, me, and the kids, yes. I know that. Did it suck? Yes, it did. Did it hurt like hell to see my family literally crumble before my eyes? It sure as hell did."

A tear finally broke through and she swiped it away before it was even really visible. I wanted to stop her pain, but this needed to be said. "If I could go back, I still wouldn't have given up on you, love. It was hard, but we made it through. Do you realize what that says about us as a couple?"

"I know, Edward. I understand what you are saying, but you shouldn't have had to do it in the first place! I caused so much pain for you and the kids! I can't take that back ever again! I screwed everything up!" She tried to pull her hand from mine, but I pulled it back. She wasn't going to close herself off again.

"Are you saying you wouldn't have done the same for me? If I was in your position, if I was an alcoholic and was spiraling to a dark place, would you have given up on me?"

"Absolutely not!" She had more tears falling, and she wiped them away. "I would do anything for you."

"Well you just proved my point." I leaned back on the seat. "We are more equal than you think, love."

Bella didn't have anything else to say, and she looked in the opposite direction of me.

"Okay." Julia said. "I think I see where your problems lie." Bella looked over to her, and so did I.

"All that you just said, have you ever told each other theses things?" I shook my head almost in shame really, and so did Bella. Why did I never tell her this? I have thought about it, of course, but I never thought to even talk to her about it. "This is where most couples get stuck especially in situations like these. Communication. Talking about your feelings really helps; more than I think you understand." Julia pushed her glasses up off her face. "Now I want to try something, I do this with all couples who have dealt with addiction, do you mind if we try?"

"Of course." We both said at the same time. We didn't share the glance we did earlier.

"Another problem couples who have dealt with addiction is not having a full understanding of their partner's feelings during the time where the addiction was at its worse." I wasn't really following what she was saying and Julia seemed to notice. "Just listen, I did this too with my husband in therapy, and it helped us drastically." She looked to Bella. "Bella, do you have an understanding of how Edward felt when you were drinking?"

I looked over to Bella, but she was still looking at Julia. She shrugged. "I don't know, I guess he was mad and maybe disappointed…ashamed."

"Whoa, whoa, wait." I said interrupting her. "I was never ashamed of you Bella."

Bella ran her free hand through her hair and sighed. "You should have been."

Her self-loathing completely rubbed me the wrong way. When I heard her speak so lowly of herself, I go into protective mode. I would never let anyone talk bad about her, including her. I got up from the couch and let go of her hand. I walked off to the side and ran my hand through my hair.

"Edward, come and sit down, please." Julia said.

"Can I just stand, please? I need to move around."

"Are you upset, Edward? How are you feeling?"

"Yes, I am upset." I said with a deep breath.

"Why?" Julia asked.

"Because I hate the way she is feeling about herself right now. It is totally and completely not true at all."

"Okay, there is nothing wrong with that, Edward. Now is your chance. Tell Bella what you felt seeing her as an alcoholic. This is what you are supposed to be doing: communicating."

"Fine." I walked back over to the love seat and sat beside Bella. I took both of her hands in mine and made it so she was facing me. "Look at me, Bella." It was a little weird having to do this in front of Julia, but if she really thinks this will help, I have no problem doing it. Bella looked at me. "I love you."

I waited. "I love you, too."

"I know. Do you understand how much that simple fact meant to me through all of this? We love each other. I know that inside me, and that is what kept me going. That and our kids, because you know they are my world as they are yours." Bella nodded. She was still looking at me, and for that I was grateful.

"I love you, but I hated the person you became when you were drunk. I hated you just because you weren't you." One tear fell from her eye and I wiped it away with the back of my finger. "Drunk Bella wasn't my best friend that I knew practically all my life. Drunk Bella was the shell of that beautiful person I love. So there were days that I did get mad and I did get pissed off. There were days when I thought we would never get out of this together. The worst days were when I saw how it affected Liam and Peyton. That was the worst." More tears fell and Bella looked away from me at the mention of Liam and Peyton, but I guided her face back with my finger. "Hey, don't get upset, love. That was in the past. Peyton and Liam are thriving right now despite what they went through. They are resilient and strong, and so are you, Bella. You got out of it. I am so happy with the way things turned out for the simple fact that despite all the hardships, our family is still intact. That is enough for me, and I hope it will be enough for you."

Bella jumped forward and wrapped her arms around my neck in a tight hug. She buried her face in my neck and cried.

"I will give you two a minute. I know it is a lot to take in. I will be back." Julia said softly and I looked over at her over Bella's shoulder. She, too looked like she had tears in her eyes.

Bella didn't say anything to me the whole time we were left alone. She just clung to me and I held her close as she cried. I shushed her and rubbed her back, and she had a tight grip of the hair on the back of my head and the back of my t-shirt. I kissed the side of her head a couple of times just as a way of letting her know I love her.

Julia came back soon after, and Bella pulled away from me, and held onto both of my hands. She was still sniffling, but otherwise, she was in control.

"Okay, now, Bella. Edward has shared with you his feelings, did you know all of that already?"

She shook her head. "No, I mean, I had an idea, but I was wrong on some points I guess."

"See, so you would say it helped correct?" Bella nodded. "Good, so Edward, are you ready to hear Bella's side?"

I was scared, but if she could listen to me, I could do the same. "Yes."

"Alright, so Bella, whenever you are ready."

"Uh…where do I start?"

"Start wherever you feel is relevant. Just tell him something to make him understand why you did the things you did."

Bella took a deep breath and nodded. She looked to me. "Edward…um…" She sighed in frustration. "I don't know what to say."

"Okay, Edward, why don't you help her out. Ask her a question; something you have been wanting to know."

I thought about it for a second. "Okay. Why did you do it? If you knew drinking would do this to us, why did you keep drinking?" I felt I may have been too harsh, but Bella didn't seem to mind. She went right into it.

"I don't think there was ever a time when I made a conscious decision to pick up a drink; do you understand what I'm saying?" I shook my head, because I didn't. "There was never a moment when I said to myself, 'I am going to go home, and have a drink.' It was almost like I was in a trance or something. I don't know if I am explaining this right…"

"You are doing fine, Bella. Just sort it out in your head." Julia said.

"I understand what you are saying, love. Just keep going." I told her.

She gave me a small smile. "I felt I had no control, and whenever I did drink, I felt good for a second at least. Then there will be that moment of 'Shit, why am I doing this?'. I would take a break and I would tell myself that that would be the last time. I told myself that a lot, that I wouldn't let it control me anymore, but it obviously didn't work." She stopped there for a second and wiped away a tear that fell from her eye.

"And then I would see you. I would see the way you looked at me when I was drunk; the disappointment and anger, and all of that. I saw it in your eyes, and it made me feel like such a failure. I caused you that pain. Then that would run through my head and I would feel like shit. I hate hurting you, Edward. Seeing you hurt, hurt me, and I hated myself for it and then I would drink again. Again, I didn't make a conscious decision; it was just the only way I knew how to make the pain go away even for a moment. So I would drink more and more and more and it became out of control at that point; a never ending cycle that I was unable to control."

A tear fell from my eye as I listened to how trapped inside herself Bella was. She was stuck inside a body and mind that betrayed her and caused this to happen. She wasn't in control. Bella wiped away my tear for me this time. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. But that wasn't the worst. The worst time was when I wasn't around you. When I was living on my own, I didn't have anything else to do but drink. And I don't really know if I want to say this…" She started choking up just thinking about it, and I immediately got scared.

"Bella, there is no one forcing you to say anything, but it will help."

She looked up at me. "Go ahead, love."

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "There were several times when I thought about ending it all."

Her words knocked me in the chest and I tried to keep my composure. She had to let this out. I closed my eyes though and looked down because the pain was radiating within me. That was one of my worst fears. I hated thinking one day Bella would be so depressed, she would just want it to end. I always thought she would never do that, but apparently I was wrong. It hurt to think she went to that place.

"I never got far. I would get a razor and sit in the bathroom, but it would never touch the skin on my wrists. I got a bottle of sleeping pills, but they just ended up on the floor from my shaking so much. I tried the roof of my apartment building, but looking down at the ground, I freaked out." I shook my head and a sob broke out of my throat. I didn't want to hear it anymore. "I'm so sorry, Edward."

She wiped my eyes for me once again while still holding my hands in hers. "That's in the past now, right? You don't think about that anymore?"

"No. Not anymore. After a couple of attempts, I realized I could never do it. I knew I had to at least stay for Liam and Peyton. I love them so much, Edward. They were really what kept me going. They saved my life for just existing. And you…" She wiped my eyes again. "You are my savior. You saved me because you cared when you didn't have to. You loved me despite everything else. And do you want to know the worst part of it all? Do you want to know which days caused me the most pain?"

I took a deep breath. "Yes." I really didn't, but we had to get it out there.

A tear fell from Bella's eye now and I was scared. What was worse than wanting to kill yourself?

"It was the days when I genuinely wished I never met you."

A small sob escaped my mouth. "Bella…" I choked out. "What…"

She let go of my hands and held my face. "There were days when I would sit there and imagine that I never complicated your life. I would think about the happy life you would have had devoid of all my shit. I would see you happily married with a perfect girl that loved you completely. You wouldn't have to lose your job or be a single parent or have to feel pain because of me. I saw all that in my head, I could see your happy face, and I would think that that is what you deserved."

"That is ridiculous, Bella." I said.

"I know that now. I would feel happy thinking of you like that until I got to the part where Peyton and Liam didn't exist anymore. Once I got around to that in my fucked up drunk brain, I would cry. I would scream and curl up in the floor in pain because a world without them isn't a world at all. It would be hell. Then I would think of you. You love me, you tell me you need me, and I couldn't imagine taking myself away from you because you are my lifeline. I just wanted you to be happy, Edward, and if that meant I went away, then so be it. But never at the expense of Liam and Peyton."

"I couldn't be happy without you, Bella."

She wiped the tears from my cheeks with both her hands. "I know that now, baby. I know that, and I will do everything I can from now on to be good enough for you the best way I can."

"You don't have to try that hard."

"I will get the hang of it. Just give me time."

"Anything for you, love." I pulled her too my chest, and looked over at Julia who had a tissue in her hand that was at her face.

"I'm sorry, I just can tell you both really made a breakthrough." She said.

"Thank you, Julia. This really helped." I said.

Bella turned her head so she was facing Julia as well. "Thank you for just letting us talk, sorry if we bored you or whatever." Bella said.

"Absolutely not, Bella. I was glad I was a witness to that, actually. You both have a beautiful relationship and you should be very thankful. You are lucky people."

We both look at each other and smiled. I bent down and kissed her forehead.

"We know." We said at the same time and we both laughed while looking at each other.

I was happy in that moment.

And in that moment I knew we were going to be alright.

I know last chapter was in Bella's POV, and you got into her head a little bit, but more has been revealed! What do you think?

Thanks to my awesome pre-reader and friend Alexa! I look forward to our litte chats every day and our music exchanges lol. Love her!

Sadly (for me anyway) there aren't that many chapters left :[ I don't have an exact number, but just to make a guestimation, I would say 4 chapters and an epi left :[ I always hate ending stories. I always miss the characters afterwards. But I do have another story out "Whenever You Call" that I can work on (you could check it out too!) and of course mine and Alexa's joint story "The Roads of Life" (You could check that one out too!)haha

I will update again ASAP.

Review and I will reply when I have time! Thanks for reading!