K*H*W* (go to my profile :)

Chapter Thirty Eight

I wiped my eyes one last time and knocked on Sam's room.

The door opened and a nurse peered at me. She smiled and then looked back at Sam, the door drifting open. Sam looked less pale and slightly pink. He moved slowly and I knew that he was heavily medicated. Lizzie sat in one of the chairs, rapidly pressing buttons on her phone. I had seen Sam's mother on the way up here. She had disappeared into the parking lot to call more of Sam's relatives. Maybe they were all expecting the worse.

"Who's this?" The nurse asked friendlily. Sam glanced up and he suddenly appeared slightly more lucid.

Sam gazed at the nurse and said breezily, "That's my girlfriend."

Somehow, I held my face together while the nurse looked at me. Sam started laughing out of nowhere. "Come on, Bella." He waved me over to the bed.

I looked back at the nurse and she smiled. "I'll be right down the hall, okay?"

"Okay." Lizzie said, not looking up from her phone. When the nurse left the room, I looked at Sam. My chest heaved as I tried not to laugh -darkly- about what he told the nurse.

"I'm not your girlfriend." I said and Sam gave me a somber look.

"Don't ruin the fun. Just say 'yes'," Sam looked at the IV in his wrist. He sighed and looked slightly green, "Oh for the love of God." He looked at his cousin. "Lizzie, I told you to tell her to tell Doc to keep these things out."

Lizzie waved Sam away with her hand, giggling with dark cinnamon eyes. Lizzie was amazing. She somehow knew how to laugh while her cousin had stared death in the face. Death just blinked. "Doc said otherwise. I tried."

Sam muttered, "Damn straight Doc said something else." He eyed the IV, less interested, and then looked straight at me. "Bella, come on." He said again. Even though he was slurring, his lucidity surprised me.

I inched closer to Sam and he grabbed at my shirt, reminding me of what we had done hours ago. "Bella," Sam whined and patted a spot on the bed.

I blushed and sat on the edge. Something changed when I looked at Sam. He grinned, suddenly lively, when I sat down. I could only feel the very small smile on my face.

Summoning the remnants of my emotional strength, I took a moment to glare at him. "That was a cruel joke."

"Sure was." Sam chuckled and then winced. He waved me away when I leaned forward urgently. "I'm fine." I gave him a look and Sam's lower lip jutted out. "I mean it this time."

I tried to relax and eventually I laid down on Sam's legs. I felt something gently stroke my hair and I said, "Sorry about your watch."

"What happened to it?" Sam asked worriedly.

I said the truth. "It's still in the truck."

Lizzie spoke up, startling me. "I can get it."

Sam said happily, "Nah, Liz. It's fine." Lizzie and I exchanged uncomfortable glances when Sam said, "I'll get it when I get out of here."

The room was quiet for a little while. Lizzie suddenly spoke. "Logan's coming." She said.

Sam huffed, wincing. "Lovely."

I turned my head to him. "You don't like Logan?"

Sam's blue eye gazed at me. "He's the best dude ever. He bought me my laptop." I watched worry make him frown. "Well, crap."

"What?" Lizzie and I sat up.

"I need my laptop." Sam slurred and Lizzie looked confused.

"For what?"

Sam and I exchanged a quick glance and then Sam started begging, his voice slow. "Lizzie, can you go run to my house and get it?"

Lizzie looked at Sam and then at me. "I'm pretty sure you're out of gas." She said to me and her words made me laugh darkly. "I'll get Auntie to go with me." Lizzie began to walk to the door. "She said Uncle Tito is coming."

"Okay." Sam slurred and his next words make my heart warm. "Love ya, Liz."

"Love ya, Sam." Lizzie said and the door closed behind her.

I turned back to Sam and said, "I could go get your watch." I could feel my control slipping.

Sam pouted. "I don't want to be alone."

I shrugged and tried to scoot off of Sam's legs. "Sorry." I said and shifted awkwardly. After a few seconds of this, I grabbed one of the chairs and pulled it up to Sam's side.

"By the way," Sam's baby blue eyes glanced at me from straight ahead. "I'm not going to kick it any time soon." His words make remorse wash over me.

I nodded and looked at Sam guiltily. "I'm sorry for saying that."

Sam shrugged. "It's fine." He looked around the windowless pale gray room. "Had it been the other way around, I would have said the same thing."

I hummed nonchalantly and my eyes go back to his tousled blond hair. He looked a little better, but something made my heart clench when Sam grabbed my hand off of one of the machines. I had gotten curious. "You might break it," he slurred, smiling.

Knowing me, it probably could have happened. I sighed, "Yeah. I could have."

Sam looked at me and something dimmed in his eyes. He sighed and I noticed he didn't let go of my hand. I tried to pull away and his grip tightened. My hand settled in his and I said lightly, "So, um, are we dating?" I hadn't forgotten what he told the nurse.

Sam glanced at me, almost sheepish. "I mean, um, we can. If you want. . ." His slurring made his words sluggish and choppy.

I decided to stay light and airy. "Sam, you're, um, older than me by three years." The words were playful, but I felt something poke me in the heart, threatening to rip me open.

Sam tipped his head to the side, foggy eyes glowing. "Bella, you, um, make me feel happy. Like, um, every time you're around me."

"How so? I like, um, nearly killed you on the way here." I said, thinking to my reckless driving.

Sam grinned. "We are here, right?"

I couldn't do this. "You're a great guy, Sam," I thought to Jacob and Edward. My small smile disappeared. "It's just that I can't."

"I know." Sam said and he groaned. "I don't want to commit myself to someone, and then something happens to me, and they run off. I can't do it either." His blue eyes went to me in sorrow.

I sighed and Sam sighed. Sam's eyes went to me again. "If only I weren't dying, right?"

I shook my head hurriedly. The ridiculousness of his words made me cringe. "It's not that, I promise."

"What is it then?" Sam asked me and then he demanded, "What was wrong with the other guy? So he's a werewolf. What makes him different from me other than that?"

"Sam," I don't want to think about the battle or anyone involved in it. "Please don't."

Sam shook his head and his slurred words become louder and full of misery. "I tried to meet someone. Every time I tell them I have terminal cancer, they bolt." His eyes sparked. "They say 'Oh, but, Sam, are you sure it's terminal?' And I'm like, 'What the hell did I just say?'!"

"Sam," I heard the heart monitor start beeping more frequently. "Calm down, Sam."

"But they want to know everything about me." Sam went on and his eyes started to dew up. "They want to know every single secret and when I tell them my biggest one, they run."

My hand squeezed his hand tighter. Tears appeared out of nowhere and roll down my face. "Sam-"

"Don't they know that the dying want to be loved too?" Sam demanded and the heart monitor became louder.

I looked worriedly at the monitor and then at Sam. He kept going, his voice becoming louder. "I understand, Bella, I do. But if they don't want me, why would you want me? How would you want me? Werewolves want you, and you go to them. What's wrong with me?"

"Sam-"

Sam started crying. Big, fat tears fall on his cheeks and run from his eyes. "I'm trying not to be bitter. If anything, you know what it's like to feel all alone. A secret like yours destroys everyone who knows it."

His words made me flinch back. "Sam-"

"But," Sam sniffled, "I can't help but ask, what's wrong with me? What is it? What is it about me that scares people away? What's wrong with me?" His tear-filled eyes went to my face. "Do you think it's because I'm human, Bella? Do people not like their own kind anymore?"

I put Sam's hand to my wet cheeks. "Sam-"

Sam's words changed, and then I don't understand what he was saying. His yells became horrible, mourning cries.

I left Sam's side and ran out the door, yelling for a nurse.

Lizzie came back at the same time I found the same nurse from earlier. They both crowded in the room and the nurse tried to hush Sam's cries. Lizzie held Sam's hand while he stared, unseeing at me, still crying out in Latin.

When the nurse inserted the needle, I watched the drug take effect in Sam. His eyes drifted shut and his lips go still. The pink in his face remained, but he wasn't saying anything. The nurse backed away, looking too emotional to speak. I didn't see Sam's laptop anywhere.

The nurse left the room and Lizzie buried her head in Sam's bedspread, her chest beginning to heave. My hand went to my eyes and I started to back away, unable to see because of tears.

Sam mumbled loudly something in Latin, his eyes drifting open and landing on me. I swallowed hard and Lizzie's sniffles ebbed away.

"W-What'd he say?" I asked tearfully. "D-Do you k-know?"

Lizzie's eyes went to me and she sniffled. "He said, 'Don't go'."

I looked at Lizzie and Sam and my heart twisted for the pair of angels. I joined Lizzie at the bed, sitting on Sam's other side. We both watched his heart monitor beep more slowly. Sam had fallen asleep, tears drying on his cheeks.

I looked at Lizzie and then at Sam.

"I'm sorry," I said. I wasn't entirely sure what I was apologizing for, but I was sorry.

Lizzie swallowed hard and a tiny, tiny smile made everything feel the tiniest bit better. Together we held one of Sam's hands and I ignore the frequent vibrating of Edward's cell phone in my back pocket. It had started since I hung up on Rosalie.

All I could think about was today.

Sam's limp hand in mine, blue lights behind me, Lizzie's forced laughter, my screams in a silent truck, and Sam's new watch.

And lastly, Sam's baby blue eyes, tentatively, hesitantly, asking for me to not leave him a second before he succumbed to a medicated induced sleep.

I bent my head down on Sam's hand and, quietly, I kissed the smooth skin. It was something I had done that he wouldn't feel or remember.

I didn't know if –and when- I had fallen for Sam. I still felt torn between Edward and Jacob somehow. No matter how many times I told myself that they would be okay, I couldn't seem to let them go. Looking at Sam or even thinking about it was wrong. For all I knew, Sam was a complete jerk when he wasn't with me. But that wasn't true, I knew it wasn't just from being around him. Sam walked around with the brightest light I had ever seen, and he enveloped me in it without knowing. Just like-

The only problem about what Sam had asked me was that I wasn't ready to try again. Sam should have been my first, but how would I have met him if I hadn't cut myself with Edward or Jacob? Edward had left me, and while Jacob never intentionally harmed me, that afternoon he had lost his temper was too fresh in my mind.

They both could find someone, I knew that. Edward didn't need me slowing him down, and Jacob didn't need me to be happy. It'd hurt, but we'd all be okay eventually. I was going to leave Forks. Maybe I'd come back to stay –a little while, hopefully- and maybe not.

What would happen if I did come back? What if Sam didn't get changed and he died before I came back? What if Sam did get changed, but he forgot who I was?

I always thought about the future too much, something Renee had created from being so ridiculously, happily, all over the place. I had to plan everything for her and think ahead all the time. I wasn't going to blame Renee on what I became, but right now, I just wanted peace of mind.

We'd all somehow find happiness, one way or another. I was greedy and impatient. I wanted happiness now.

I sucked in a tight breath and pushed away the nagging, selfish thought. Maybe one day I would dwell on it and think, but not today. Sam is going to wake up and smile and everything will somehow be okay. I told myself. Lizzie and Sam will be okay.

A fleeting thought made me smile against Sam's hand. Wouldn't it be great for me to wake up with Lizzie, Sam, Edward and Jacob beside me while in a world without vampires, werewolves, and cancer? The picture was very, very pretty.

Within moments, I shook the irrational thought away.

Instead of thinking about silly far-fetched dream, I thought about the present. Everything was uncertain. The future was dark. I'd have to focus and call Edward back and tell Charlie I would be late for dinner. I'd have to ask Emily if I could spend a day with her, I'd somehow find a way to spend time alone with Charlie, and apologize to Rosalie with words made of gold. In a little bit, I would have to be responsible.

But in just a few days, vampires and werewolves would fight. Someone could die. Someone might. It might not be anyone on the battlefield. My eyes went to Sam.

I swallowed hard and closed my eyes. All I wanted was for Sam to open his.

I didn't think about him romantically. I thought about him as a human. Sam had people who loved him and who would miss him.

Vampires and werewolves didn't always have that.