A/N I don't own Twilight.
Thanks to everyone that reads and, hopefully, loves. Thanks to Sherry, to Deb and to Bob, for everything.
I used a bit of creative license for Bella's therapy sessions, along with the help of some psychologists. I do not claim that real therapy goes like this.
Enjoy!
"Are you ready?" Esme asks.
No. I shrug. We're in Port Angeles, at the therapist's office. The waiting room looks as one would expect, clinical with white walls and black, uncomfortable plastic seats.
"We really appreciate that you want to try this," Esme reassures. "I know it must be hard for you."
She has no idea, but I don't have the energy to enlighten her. I don't want this, I really don't. But Edward's words resonate and Alice's talk before Thanksgiving did something for me. As we wait for the therapist to call us in, I am torn from my memories by a black-haired woman who calls my name from her office door.
"Bella? Bella Swan?"
"That's you," Esme says with forced cheerfulness.
No shit.
Nerves overtake me as I get up and walk to the woman who is beckoning me with a gentle smile.
"Welcome. And you are Esme Cullen?"
"I am. Thank you for seeing Bella. Do you want me to come in with you?"
The therapist looks from me to Esme, then back to me. "I think we'll be fine. She'll be back out in an hour."
"Okay," Esme smiles. "I'll wait here."
The thought of keeping Esme waiting for me for an hour makes me uneasy, but there is little I can do when the therapist guides me into her office. What was her name again? Something exotic.
"Take a seat, if you want. Or look around first."
I survey the room. It's starkly different from the waiting room, with dark, mahogany furniture and red pillows and blankets on the two couches. There is a winged chair too. In the corner is a desk with a laptop on it, with one chair on one side and two chairs on the other. The room is riddled with tiny things, tokens from this country or that.
There are even curtains at the window. Walking along the walls slowly, I make my way to the window and look outside. You can see the harbor from here.
"Pretty, isn't it?" the therapist asks.
Startled by her voice I turn to face her. I almost forgot why I am here in the first place.
"Do you want to sit down? Anything to drink, perhaps?"
I shake my head, answering both questions.
Oh shit, does she even know I don't speak? Fuck!
Oh well. Doesn't matter, she'll find out soon enough.
I'm too nervous to be defiant, even.
"Very well. Sit down wherever, whenever. Everything you do or say here is your own choice. Mind if I sit down?"
I shake my head, confused as to why she would ask me this in her own office.
"I'll start by telling you something about myself, and then I shall tell you what I know about you. Is that okay?"
I nod again, becoming more and more stunned. This woman is... relaxed. Easy to be around with, somehow.
It's disconcerting, even though she gets paid to be like this.
I up my guard. Careful, now.
"I'm Siobhan," she says. "I'm from Ireland originally, and my name is my heritage from there. I moved to the States when I was fifteen. I arrived here with my mother, who remarried shortly after we settled here. From my teenage years I knew I wanted to become a psychologist, and so I went to university to become one."
She pauses for a moment to gauge my reaction.
"I mainly focus on teenagers with rotten pasts like you," she continues bluntly. "Because sometimes life just doesn't go easy on you, right?"
I nod in my shock. Right.
Siobhan points to the coffee table, where a small white board with a black marker is lying.
"That's for you. If you want to talk, you can use that. I am not a fan of computers and on a white board you can wipe out the words. Just like when you speak, they stop existing once they are spoken."
Nice philosophy.
"So, here's what I know about you," she continues. "You are Bella Swan, seventeen, and you came to live with the Cullen family about two months ago. Correct?"
I stare at her. I don't answer obvious questions.
"Very well. We've covered that your past could have been better. You don't speak, but you gathered I know this."
Again, I don't answer obvious things. I'm not entirely stupid, you know.
"Other things will come along when they need to be discussed. I want to set some ground rules. First of all, I can say I am happy that you want to try therapy, but you are a smart girl, and you realize that therapy can only be helpful if you allow it to be." A beat. "You have to be here for you. Not to please your foster mother, not to please me or anybody else. In this room, it's all about you."
I shift, uncomfortable.
"This makes you uneasy?"
I nod, then swallow. Stupid traitorous body.
"You don't want attention?"
I shake my head, and expect a 'why' to come.
"Tough luck. When you are here, it's about you. It's up to you how useful these hours will become."
Jesus!
"I will not give up on you. I am very patient..."
As patient as the Cullens' funds, I think.
"... and I understand that we will need time to get to know each other. I will not force you to talk about anything you are uncomfortable with, but I expect you to cooperate. If you feel, however, that you are not comfortable with me or feel that I can't help you, you are free to end the arrangement and find another therapist. Should that happen, I will gladly provide you with names.
"So, Bella," she continues as she leans forward in her seat, "do you know why you are here?"
Edward's answer battles with what I want to say. I want to become a better person, like Edward offered, but in all honesty I am here out of fear of displeasing Carlisle and Esme. There really wasn't a choice.
"We're not going to talk about your past today," Siobhan says, breaking into my thoughts. "We'll get to that, eventually, but not now and I think not in the next few sessions either."
Her words reassure me enormously and I exhale silently relief. I hope she'll keep her word, tough.
"Why don't you sit down?"
Moving to the couch I sink back in comfortable softness and my eyes widen in surprise. Siobhan chuckles. "Comfy, aren't they?"
They are. I don't react however. If all her questions are rhetorical we're in for a boring ride indeed.
"So, Bella, tell me, what have you done today?"
I blink in utter confusion. What?
"Write it down for me," Siobhan coaxes. "Tell me what you did. Start with when your alarm went off this morning."
Frowning in confusion still, I mentally shrug and reach for the whiteboard and start to write.
~O~
After the first hour of therapy we've talked about my day, my favorite book, things I like to do, and my plans for the rest of the week. It's so not what I had expected it to be and when I drive home with Esme, I'm still busy processing what actually happened.
I haven't told her that Edward asked me to go to the library with him though. For some reason I felt very protective over that bit of information. Besides, I was worrying that if I told her so, she'd tell me to go with him. And I haven't decided yet if I am.
Siobhan is unlike any therapist I have ever encountered. She's young, doesn't use clinical words and I don't know, she feels down to earth. She asked me to point out three items in the room I'd like to know the history of, and she had told me a about each, about the journey she had been on when she found it and what it had meant to her.
Then she had asked me to tell her if I had such a token, but I hadn't wanted to answer that. She'd let it go easily and thanked me for trying.
My next appointment is Friday. And until that I have to try to have some positive interaction with a member of the family. I have to initiate communication and it has to have a positive context.
I think I will come to hate the woman.
"You're quiet," Esme observes as she pulls onto the highway. "Did it go well?"
I shrug, because I really don't have an answer to that.
"I guess you both have to get to know each other. Did she give you food for thought?"
I shrug again, and nod. I really don't want to talk about this right now.
"Are you willing to go back Friday?"
I want to shake my head so badly, but I find that I can't. I am too scared. And Siobhan doesn't seem so bad. I can try it a few times and then tell them it doesn't work, right? After that it will take at least a few weeks to get a new therapist set up and that will buy me time again.
"I am happy you are willing to try this, Bella. I know the notion of therapy isn't something fun."
I huddle deeper into the seat and look outside, letting her know in the only way I dare that I am not willing to talk right now. Luckily she lets it go and we drive home in silence.
I help her with dinner, but I'm in a pretty sullen mood and I think Esme notices. Finally she excuses me and tells me to go relax for a bit before dinner.
Feeling reprimanded, I swallow the lump in my throat and walk away from the kitchen. I feel like stomping my feet, but I can't, because in this stupid house I am never alone.
Frustrated and exasperated, I walk out of the house onto the porch, and suddenly willing to move, I walk down the porch steps and into the garden that stretches around the house.
It's cold outside and I don't have a coat, but the crisp air is refreshing.
I don't understand why I am in such a bad mood right now. Perhaps it's because of that stupid therapy session. That Siobhan made small talk with me like she was my friend and however much I wanted to not cooperate, to not give her what she wanted, I had done it.
She broke through my walls so damn easily and she succeeded because she asked questions that weren't dangerous to me.
I scowl and narrow my eyes. Cunning woman. I'll just have to be more careful next time.
Kicking at the grass, I walk around in the damp cold until I hear my name being called. It's Rosalie, telling me that dinner is ready.
"You okay?" she asks when I step around her to enter the house.
Sullenly I shrug, and she nods. "It's rough times for you," she quietly acknowledges, and I wish there was some way I could tell her that I appreciate what she said.
When Esme asks me if I want to eat up in my room I don't hesitate for a moment and I take the tray with me, after dinner not hurrying to go down and clear away my stuff. Instead I boot my laptop, and as expected there is email from Renée. The first one responds to my last email to her, when I told her that Edward has green eyes.
.
From: Renée Dwyer
To: Bella Swan
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Tell me more
Green eyes you say? My, you don't see that often. Does he have red hair too? Tell me, how are you?
.
There's a second email, sent today.
.
From: Renée Dwyer
To: Bella Swan
Subject: How are you?
Hello Bella,
If I have been informed correctly, you have had your first therapy session today. I do not know Siobhan directly myself, but I have heard good things about her. How do you think it went? Will you go again?
.
Sighing, I reply. I'm chagrined enough to not care so much. That's a first.
.
From: Bella Swan
To: Renée Dwyer
Subject: Re: How are you?
Hi, how are you? Yes I had therapy today. I guess confidentiality only goes so far. I am going again on Friday. I don't know yet. She's… different.
Ps. Edward doesn't have red hair. He's not Irish.
.
The reply is almost instant. The woman lives behind her pc or something.
.
From: Renée Dwyer
To: Bella Swan
Subject: Re: Re: How are you?
How is she different? What was your first impression of her? And how are you in general? I am good, thank you for asking. I am making plans to go on a skiing holiday for Christmas. Do you have any Christmas plans yet?
.
From: Bella Swan
To: Renée Dwyer
Subject: Re: Re: Re: How are you?
She's just different. Talked about nonsense most of the time. Not what I expected at all. I'm okay I guess. So many new things to process. Did Thanksgiving with the Cullens at the table but have now eaten in my room again. Alice and Carlisle and I bought a Christmas tree last Sunday. It's so big Renée, it's unbelievable.
.
From: Renée Dwyer
To: Bella Swan
Subject: Wow!
I am so proud of you for celebrating Thanksgiving with them! How did it go? How did you feel? What made you decide to do it? I bet their tree is big. They have a big house, too.
.
From: Bella Swan
To: Renée Dwyer
Subject: Re: Wow - ?
Alice convinced me to try it. She said the world wouldn't end and it didn't. I know she's right, it's just so hard.
.
From: Renée Dwyer
To: Bella Swan
Subject: It will get better
It is very hard but it's a major step you took by just trying it. It will get better, I promise. And going out to buy a Christmas tree must have been nice. It must be cold there already. Did you decorate the house?
.
From: Bella Swan
To: Renée Dwyer
Subject: Will it?
Yes the house is red and green.
.
From: Renée Dwyer
To: Bella Swan
Subject: Yes it will
Very nice. I am so happy to hear from you, Bella. Has it become easier for you to talk with others?
.
From: Bella Swan
To: Renée Dwyer
Subject: Re: Will it?
I loathe words. You know this. I chat sometimes with Edward, because he always asks me to talk to him. I don't know why though.
.
From: Renée Dwyer
To: Bella Swan
Subject: Re: Re: Will it?
I think I can guess why, Bella. Look at you, once you open up a bit you are very enjoyable company and you know this. We've been having quite the conversation tonight!
.
From: Bella Swan
To: Renée Dwyer
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Will it?
Yeah but that's with you. I know you.
.
From: Renée Dwyer
To: Bella Swan
Subject: So?
So? It took you time to get to know me, too.
.
Fuck, I don't have a reply to this.
.
From: Bella Swan
To: Renée Dwyer
Subject: Re: So?
That's different.
.
From: Renée Dwyer
To: Bella Swan
Subject: Re: Re: So?
How is it different?
.
From: Bella Swan
To: Renée Dwyer
Subject: Re: Re: Re: So?
You're not a guy. And you get paid to listen to me.
.
From: Renée Dwyer
To: Bella Swan
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: So?
I don't get paid to keep in touch with you, Bella. I do that because I genuinely care for you and want to know how you are. That comes from me, not from a pay check. And how has my gender to do with this?
.
From: Renée Dwyer
To: Bella Swan
Subject: Talk to me
Don't fall silent on me, Bella. Would you not want to be able to talk to Edward like you talk to me?
.
Oh yes, yes I would. Very much so, I realize with a shock.
My God.
I stay in my room that night, sitting in my rocking chair and biting my lip. For some unexplainable reason nerves are coiled in my stomach and my insides are buzzing to the point of nausea. The rocking is the only thing that keeps me from pacing.
Why am I so nervous all of a sudden? It doesn't make sense. Or perhaps it does. My need as of late to be normal, combined with Renée's words, to be as easy with Edward as with her, unsettles me. His invitation to go to the library with him comes on top of that. He wouldn't ask me if he didn't like me, right? But how can I want this with Edward? I have decided long ago I hate all men. They only want one thing and if you don't give it to them, they will take it anyway.
Even though I find it hard to perceive that Edward would ever do such a thing, still, I have to be on guard. People can change, just like the wind. Just like their moods and their intentions.
I frown and sigh, and rock. I wish, I really wish I could be sure just for once that the violence really is over now. To be normal around others, much like I've seen everybody in this household do. But in the end I haven't changed, and I find it impossible to reach out as long as I am still the person I was before, the hated, the waste of space, the useless.
Folding my own hands together, I stroke the palm of my right hand with my left thumb. The feeling is numbed by the scar there, but still feels alien.
If even my own touch alarms me, I truly wonder how I am ever going to be 'normal.' Perhaps it's an endeavor I should just never start.
~O~
School passes in a peaceful blur. I am a bit more at ease every day, and once again I find I start to look forward to the classes I share with Edward. He's just so nice to me, and it's so addicting. The need to come clean with him, to tell him he should be hating me, becomes ever more pressing, but the courage to do so shrinks every time he meets my gaze and smiles.
On Wednesday during Biology I tell him that I am going to therapy again on Friday. Well, I don't really tell him, but since he asks, I answer him.
His smile is encouraging and nothing short from victorious.
"You liked it then?"
I scoff, realizing belatedly that's a pretty relaxed reaction indeed.
"Okay, wrong question. But do you think it will help?"
Looking at him, I hope my face shows that I don't know.
"Perhaps it's too soon to say. But it wasn't absolutely horrible, since you're willing to go again?"
I don't know. How to explain that Siobhan doesn't even come across as a therapist? I realize this must be the way she works, but still. I was expecting all this shit like "how do you feel about that" and "tell me about your mother." Perhaps that is to come.
Gah.
Thursday after Gym, when I have shown my face to Coach Clapp, Mike saunters over to me, all cocky and confident in his hoodie. He's dressed quickly after Gym, and I wonder if he even showered.
Ew.
"So, Bella, I was wondering if you have any plans this weekend?"
What the… Oh my God!
Taking my hesitation as a negative answer, he smiles widely. "Because I was wondering if you wanted to go see a movie with me?"
Panic starts. What is he thinking? Do I answer this? Can I answer this? If I refuse, will he get mad? But I can't possibly go with him. Absolutely not. Out of the question.
"What's the hesitation? Just come with me. You can choose the movie. It'll be fun!"
Not my idea of fun, I think, but I can hardly finish the thought before he steps up closer to me.
"I'd like to get to know you better," he says, now looking down at me he's so close. I step back until my back hits the wall.
Oh, shit.
"It'll be good, just you and I. You won't have to worry so much about the others."
I frown up at him, desperately battling my fear and the all-overwhelming urge to shove him away and run for it.
"So, what do you say? Do you want to go this Saturday?"
His hand comes up to my face and I brace myself for impact — whatever kind.
"She has plans this weekend," I suddenly hear Edward say to my right.
Mike hisses a profanity under his breath and steps back from me, leaving me the space to gulp in some much needed air.
"Does she, now," Mike says, his voice erring on threatening.
"Yes, she does."
"And what do you know about that?"
"I just know. I happen to live in the same house as her."
Mike makes some frustrated sound before he focuses back on me. "How about Friday night then?"
I start to shake my head, desperately wanting to figure out how to make it clear that I do not want to have anything to do with him at all.
"Really? Huh, busy bee," Mike mutters. "Perhaps some other time."
He's distracted by Eric who claps his shoulder and asks him something, and finally he looks away from me. On his left appears Jessica, looking from Mike to me with wide eyes, hiding nothing. She's not pleased but walks up to Mike with a smile plastered on her face, her pony tail bouncing.
I sag forward a little, relieved to be out of the spotlight for now. By God, he is persistent. I don't get it though. Back in Phoenix nobody looked at me. Did this Mike really ask me out on a date? I shudder at the thought and wrap my arms around me in protection.
"God, he is such an ass," Edward mutters.
I'd forgotten he was there.
"You okay? He really has no respect for personal space. Did he touch you?"
I shake my head in denial, shocked by the look on Edward's face I can't read.
"Good. If he does, just push him away. You don't have to endure that. Ever."
I have learned at a very young age to never fight, however much I would want to. His advice doesn't sound like something that could work for me. But what is that look on his face?
I don't have time to determine it because his hands hide his expression from me as he rubs his face. When he looks back at me, he smiles. "Come on, let's get you home. I have a feeling this rain will turn into sleet and I want to be home before the roads really freeze up."
I follow him immediately, berating myself fiercely over having kept him waiting as he's clearly eager to go home.
Esme surprises us there with hot chocolate for everyone. Whipped cream and marshmallows included. Everybody sits down in the living room and Jasper even starts a fire in the hearth. I realize quickly the vantage point of the winged chair as I am closest to the fire, heating me up as it seems from the inside.
I miss my afternoon nap but I don't even really notice it. When Rosalie and Emmett come home they are granted the same treat and Esme joins us too, smiling contentedly.
The conversation turns to what Christmas will look like this year.
"Are we doing presents?" Alice asks eagerly.
"We could," Esme replies. Then she turns to me. "We like to buy each other presents for Christmas. Each family member buys something for all the others. It doesn't have to be big or elaborate, as it's the thought that counts. Usually we have a maximum of twenty five dollars per gift."
My eyes go wide at this. I don't have any money to pay for that!
"I will take you shopping," Alice says eagerly, misunderstanding my apprehension. "I will help you."
"Will you do stockings this year?" Rosalie asks her mother.
"I might. We'll have one extra to fill." Esme smiles at me again and I shift, uncomfortable.
I'm not good at gifts. Can't they just do Christmas without me?
"So, should we all make lists again and put them on the fridge?" Emmett asks.
"Yes," Esme says. "I suppose."
"I always love how the gifts stack up underneath the tree," Rosalie says smiling. "I so love this time of the year."
"So we should go shopping as soon as possible!" Alice exclaims. "I can start Saturday in Port Angeles."
"You're going to PA?" Rosalie asks, interested.
"Yes, Edward is taking Bella to the library and I'm hitching a ride."
She makes it sound so normal. My relief that she is coming along is overshadowed by the assumption that I am actually going. My alarm heightens further when I see the wide-eyed gazes of several others in the room.
Esme is quickest to recover. "I hope you'll have fun." She means everyone, but she is looking at me.
"I can come with you," Rosalie breaks the silence. "We could go together in one car. Saves gas, too."
"That could work," Alice says thoughtfully, "but I'm not sure how long Edward and Bella plan to stay in the library."
She looks at us with questioning eyes. I look back at her with my own wide gaze, still stunned that I am apparently going to the library next Saturday.
"They can go into town when they get bored," Rosalie offers. "We can meet for drinks or something and drive home together. After Black Friday I'm not really looking forward to an all-day shopping trip anyway."
"You aren't?" Emmett interjects in mock surprise. "I thought you always wanted to shop?"
Rosalie slugs his arm, seemingly annoyed.
"One can never shop too much," Alice states solemnly. "But I agree, after Black Friday I'm a bit done, too."
"Does that mean I have to buy the Christmas gifts myself this year?" Jasper groans.
Alice whips her head around to look at him, scandalized, but Esme speaks first.
"Of course you have to buy the gifts yourself! It's about the gesture, and that won't work if you're not the one choosing and buying." She's quiet then, realizing finally what I heard immediately. "This year?"
"Busted," Emmett mutters with a wicked grin.
"No, Alice just helped me last year," Jasper protests.
"An awful lot, I might add," Edward murmurs under his breath and when I catch his gaze he smiles at me.
I smile back.
"So, Saturday," Rose says, sitting forward. "What time do you want to leave?"
"No idea. Just before noon? I like to sleep in," Edward replies.
Beside Rosalie, Emmett gets up and leaves the room, bored apparently with the subject. "Hey Jazz, did you have that new computer game installed?"
"I have. Wanna see?"
Emmett nods and both leave the room to go upstairs.
"I'd like to leave a bit earlier. Ten?"
Edward groans theatrically. "That is too early, Rose."
"I can go with Alice," she says. "We can always take two cars if that's easier."
Silence falls as I wait tensely for what's to come.
"But Bella won't come if Alice isn't there," Edward finally says softly, hesitantly.
Rosalie's eyes widen a bit as she looks from him to me. The silence stretches and just before it becomes painful, she nods.
"Very well. Let's leave at eleven. Alice and I can go with you. But I don't want to go home at two."
"It's a big library," Edward says softly, and he looks at me as he speaks.
"Try to go home before it's fully dark though," Esme says quietly. She's been silent for a while, as ever present in a manner that's entirely unobtrusive. "It's getting really cold and they've warned for sleet."
Again with the sleet. I never experienced that in Phoenix.
"Okay," Edward says. "So, what's for dinner?"
~O~
Friday in school is filled with distraction by the notion of the upcoming therapy session with Siobhan. I have not fulfilled my assignment, because I have not initiated contact with anyone. I have, however, partaken in more interaction just this last week than in a very long time altogether. I hope this counts.
I'm upset that I am worried over what she will say. Will she be disappointed? Will she stop the treatment? If so, what will Carlisle and Esme say?
Oh my God. She didn't warn me of any consequences if I didn't do as I was told, but now I'm worried sick. I keep biting my lip until it bleeds. Even the A+ I get back in Trig can't distract me from my worries.
Before me Alice squeals mutely and looks around at me, holding up her test that says "B." I smile at her and give her a thumbs up. I am happy for her.
Jessica has a C and is sulking, but Alice admonishes her, saying that she passed the test when she was so sure she would fail.
For a moment I wonder, alarmed, if Jessica's parents will be upset if she brings home a low grade. Then again she doesn't come across as the girl that would worry about that, seeing as she often claims to forego studying in favor of more fun things to do.
Trying to shrug it off, I move through the minutes of the day. In Spanish my irritation flares as Jessica tries to claim to Lauren that Alice must have copied Jess's work during the Trig test. Considering Jess had a lower grade I think this is generally impossible, not to mention the fact that Alice would never cheat like that. Jess's jealousy is obvious and from what I can hear, she's upset at Alice's sudden peak in grades.
So Alice really got a better grade this time. Truly, I am happy for her.
During lunch, Jasper is over the moon for Alice and he kisses her soundly. I look away, flustered, uneasy. Edward chuckles and sits down across from me.
"What did you get?"
"An A plus," Alice says smugly for me after disentangling herself from Jasper's embrace.
"Really? That's fantastic!" Rosalie exclaims.
I blush and look away. Numbers just make sense to me. This grade is nothing special.
"What a way to start your school track here," Edward smiles. "Well done, Bella."
I duck further. Stop talking about me please.
"Now it's your turn, Emmett," Rosalie tries to joke.
Emmett mutters something and when I look at him, I see how he has a murderous look on his face. Cringing a little, I frown in fear.
"Oh come on," Rosalie says, pushing against him playfully. "Just give it your best shot. I'm sure you can make it."
Emmett shrugs and chews on his sandwich, obviously not convinced.
I wish I could help him but fuck me if I wasn't so scared of him right now.
Soon after fortunately the bell rings and Edward walks with me to Biology. Near to panic about the assignment Siobhan gave me, I scribble something on a piece of paper and push it towards him, hoping to God he won't be annoyed that I am initiating communication.
From behind the shield of my hair I see how Edward reads the note, looking confused. I blush fiercely and wish a hole in the ground would swallow me whole just about now, please.
"Do I have any tests coming up?" Edward repeats my question, trying not to laugh but obviously wondering why I would ask him such an inane thing.
I can't even move.
"Yeah, some," he stammers. "Why are you asking?"
Because my rotten therapist demanded I did it, I think petulantly, but instead I shrug.
He breathes out a laugh, lost. "I have a few next week, much like you, I think," he finally answers.
It's true, I do too.
We sit in silence for a long while. We're supposed to be working on individual assignments and we both make our way steadily down the page.
"Hey, about tomorrow," Edward starts.
I look up at him slightly, to let him know I heard him.
"I know you never really agreed to come. Do you want to?"
I swallow a sudden lump in my throat away. He noticed and he's asking.
"I know it's perhaps a big step for you. And I'll understand if you don't want to. But it's truly a wonderful library and since you like to read, I'd thought you might like to go there."
When I still don't reply, he continues.
"When we get there, you can do your thing and I will do mine. We can just agree on a time to meet again. Sound good?"
Still, I can't decide.
"Just try it," he coaxes. "And see that it'll be fun. Wouldn't it be nice to be out of the house for a bit?"
That does it for me and I nod, nerves flaring and sweat breaking out on my back, but I nod.
I've done it. I've said yes.