Honesty

"I think you're dealing with a lot of unspoken unhappiness, April." AJ's therapist nodded, by the name of Devlin, "You're not letting a lot out. You seem tense and afraid to speak the truth." She said as AJ sat across from her and played with her hands, "Do you not want to face the truth?" She asked curiously.

"I don't think it's that… it's… the complications that will be there if I do face the truth. For three years my life was so programmed and in a routine. I worked, I took care of my daughter full time, I had a good relationship and now every part of that has collapsed somehow. I can't work properly, my relationship is a mess, and I'm trying to get used to not being a full time mom anymore." She said as Devlin nodded.

"Do you think there's a reason that it's all fell apart?" Devlin asked her, "Perhaps… an ex-husband?" She asked in a leading manner as AJ just nodded.

"It's not him, it's the choices I've made because of him being here again." AJ nodded.

"How do you feel about Jamie?" Devlin asked.

"How do I feel?" AJ asked as Devlin nodded, "I… I love him." AJ nodded, "He's been here for me. I feel like to just brush him aside is completely unfair because he's helped me become a stronger person." She nodded, "And here's been here with me, in the present. Phil… Phil has been gone five years." AJ said.

"Does it feel like five years now that he's out?" Devlin wondered.

"No." AJ shrugged, "Feels… just like it did before." She nodded.

"April, I think you're holding onto a lot of anger and that's what's keeping you with Jamie and not with Phil, who I believe is who you want to be with. You're stuck on this idea that Phil pushed you away and Jamie was the… knight in shining armour that rescued you on the other end, but now you realise it's not that way." Devlin said as AJ looked across at her, "I can't tell you what to do, it's your decision, but it's very clear where your heart is at." She nodded as AJ sighed, running her hand through her hair.

"I don't want to hurt anybody." AJ shook her head, drying her tears as Devlin grabbed a tissue from the box and handed it to her.

"You're gonna hurt more people if you keep lying to yourself, and to them." Devlin nodded, "You get to be selfish now, you get to say what you want, it's not a crime." She said, "You don't have to do what people expect you to or what feels like the easy and logical decision." Devlin said as AJ dried her eyes with the tissue.

"I just didn't think it would be like this." AJ shook her head, "I thought when Phil got out of prison it… nothing would change. Yes I knew it'd be a shock but I didn't think that any feelings would be there."

"And there are?" Devlin asked as AJ just nodded, holding the tissue in her hand as she looked down, "There is no point in making yourself miserable over this. It's not good for your health, mental or physical. You need to take control. I know you don't want to hurt anybody but being dishonest to yourself is gonna hurt people." She said as AJ nodded.

"I just wish it could be easier." AJ shook her head and sighed.

"I think we all do at times when we go through certain things." Devlin nodded, "But I can tell you it will get easier when you start being realistic with yourself, and not putting on this front just to please everyone into thinking your mind is in a certain place. Honesty is the best policy and in this case… the first person you need to be honest with is yourself." Devlin said as AJ looked across at her and nodded.

She realised throughout the session that she had been holding in a lot of things, and she had been using a lot of things to pretend she was ok and that she was satisfied in her relationship with Jamie, but the truth was, she was still very much in love with Punk, and the more she admitted that to herself, the easier it would be to put it out there, because Devlin was right, she wasn't being honest with herself, never mind everyone else around her.

"I don't know what's going on." Punk shook his head, throwing a pizza crust down, sitting in his kitchen with Cami, "Whenever I go to pick Jessica up now she just barely says anything."

"I think you gotta give her a break." Cami nodded, "Here's this guy that managed to help her move on from you, and then there's you who she probably has feelings for, has a child with you… I mean it's gotta be difficult."

"Really? I don't see anything difficult about it. Clearly she wants to be with one of us more than the other." Punk shrugged.

"Yeah well she's not nasty like that to say that to someone. Just give her a bit of space." Cami told him as Punk sighed, "At least Jess has been staying more." She said as Punk nodded.

"Yeah, she likes it here." Punk nodded.

"I still can't believe she stole your wallet and took off." Cami laughed, "Phil, can you imagine what she's gonna do when she's like eighteen?" She said, "I'm worried for you."

"I'm worried for me too." Punk groaned, "She was so calm about the full thing too." He shook his head as Cami just smiled, "AJ thinks she did it for attention, because we were talking on our own."

"Kids can do shit like that all the time." Cami shrugged, "I'm sure she won't do it again." She said.

"She better not." Punk shook his head with worry, "I'm gonna be grey real soon." He said.

"So what is even happening with AJ? Is she with Jamie? Is she not?" Cami asked.

"I don't fucking know. I don't think AJ knows what's going on." Punk sighed, "I wish she was just honest with herself in what she wants. We could be a family. Me, her, Jessica. We could try again, this time… without getting busted for anything illegal. This time just concentrate on us." He said, "But she's just… her problem is, she's a good person and she doesn't want to make anyone feel like shit." He shrugged, "And I respect she's been with this guy for a long time, and she obviously does care about him but… I want her to be selfish and just do what she wants to do." Punk said.

"She will in the end." Cami nodded, "Just give it some time." She said as Punk just nodded tiredly, "How has work been?"

"Good, well… sometimes the kids get on my nerves." He admitted.

"Kids?" Cami laughed, "Aren't they all like eighteen and nineteen?"

"Exactly." Punk shrugged, "Kids." He nodded, "Because I do the circuits with them now I'm seeing them way too much and I'm fed up of their annoying faces."

"You seem like a delight. I'm sure they all love you." Cami laughed a little.

"Oh, they do." Punk nodded, "But they're annoying." He shrugged.

"You secretly enjoy it. Maybe even more than you enjoyed being a cop." Cami noticed.

"Don't push it." Punk said, "But… yeah, maybe I guess." He thought about it, "In prison I guess I just took on a new perspective of crime." He said, "Which I never thought I'd have. It's the same one AJ has." He nodded, "Sometimes people just get caught up, they do things they don't want to, they get involved in things because they're struggling, or they need to feed their family… I learned about that in prison." He nodded, "Mario is a good example. He's just always caught up in the wrong things, never gets a break. Cop me would have been like, oh there's no excuse for that, a criminal is a criminal." He said in a harsh voice, "But then… if I was poor or I was in debt or something, I'd do whatever I could to protect the people I loved." He nodded.

"Yeah you were pretty narrow minded." Cami agreed as Punk just made a face, "But I'm glad you see things differently now, and at least you still have a chance to be involved somehow in law enforcement. You get to teach everything you knew to a bunch of kids willing to listen."

"Some of them don't fucking listen." Punk rolled his eyes, "I couldn't imagine being a school teacher. That shit must be hard going." He shook his head as Cami smiled.

"I'm proud of you." Cami nodded, "I know it say a lot but… I am. You've taken everything on the chin and you've rolled with it. Now look at you. Employed, a nice place to live, your daughter loves you." She smiled as Punk nodded, "Not a lot of people can come out of prison and do that." She said as Punk just nodded.

"Well thanks." Punk smiled to her.

"Not to be weird or anything." Cami began as Punk raised a brow.

"You are weird." Punk concluded, "What?" He said.

"But did AJ not say anything about your back? I mean… clearly she saw it." Cami raised her brows and smirked as Punk rolled his eyes.

"I don't actually think she did." Punk said, "And if she did she probably didn't even notice." He shrugged, "They aren't as bad as you make them out to be." He shook his head.

"Yeah but they're noticeable. Does she know about anything that happened in prison?" Cami asked him.

"No, she doesn't. And I don't want her to." Punk said as Cami looked across at him.

"She'll want to know. If God does exist and you two end up back together again, she's gonna wanna know what happened."

"You say that like I was beaten every day. It was just the beginning. I got a slack for being a cop. A lot of people in there… were people I arrested." Punk said, "I got a few beatings, that's it, everyone does, it breaks you in." Punk shrugged.

"Well she should know about that." Cami shrugged, "She should know about that, and about you seeing people get killed and-"

"I've saw people get killed before." Punk shrugged.

"I don't care." Cami said, "I'm just saying that if you two try again, you should start with a clean slate and that means getting everything off your chest." Cami nodded.

"Cami, I don't think anything is gonna happen. Her life is easy with Jamie. It's complicated with me. She's got the nice family lifestyle going on with Jamie. She goes for BBQs to see his parents, they go for weekends away, they have stability-"

"So do you." Cami shook his head.

"I don't. I'm on probation. I live somewhere else. I haven't been with her in five years. I don't have a routine or a life with her." Punk said, "So I don't blame her for wanting to stick with Jamie, but she's gonna wake up in a few years and realise she's unhappy-"

"I think she realises that now." Cami said, "What would you guys do… like date?" She shook her head.

"I don't know I'm not thinking about it." Punk shook his head, "I'm trying not to let my head get too messed with it." He said as Cami nodded, "I still just want her to be happy. That's what I wanted when I was in prison and that's why I made the choices I did… I don't know if she gets that yet but one day I hope she does." He said.

"She will. I think she already does and she just doesn't want to give into it, because then she has nothing to hold her back." Cami nodded.

"I don't know." Punk shook his head, "There's nothing I can say, I've said everything I need to." He shrugged.

"I'm just worried that Jamie will take this personally and try and… get at you." Cami admitted truthfully.

"He can fucking try it." Punk shook his head, "He's lucky he got a black eye out of me." Punk said, "He won't do shit."

"Yeah, hopefully." Cami said, "When are you next seeing Jessica?"

"In a few days." Punk said, "AJ is working Mario's trial so I said I'd take a few days off to watch her during the day whilst she's at court."

"Well at least you have her to keep you going." Cami shrugged.

"Yeah, she'd cheer up the dead." Punk shook his head. Things just seemed so unsettled and just so out of place. He, of course, wanted to be with AJ, to be a family, to try again, but he wasn't sure if he could figure out where her mind was at anymore.