*****WARNING***** There is sexual content in this chapter that is meant for people that are 18 or older.

Also this is un-beta'd again. sorry :(

Chapter 38 – Trying New Things

I walked in my house, into the kitchen and met Esme and Carlisle. "Where's everyone else?" I asked.

Esme smiled. "Off checking out equipment for our new gym."

I rolled my eyes knowing Emmett and Alice had to be in their element. I almost felt sorry for Rose being with the two of them.

Carlisle spoke, "How did Bella do last night?"

I smiled. "Well, actually. She had two very bad dreams and a few others that weren't bad enough for me to wake her. She did sleep a lot deeper when she was sleeping and slept for almost eight hours. When she woke she was pretty tired still, but I figure that's because her body was just happy to finally get some sleep."

Carlisle nodded. "That's what I expected. After looking in her files more, she was so drugged up I'm sure she was having hallucinations and fugue states. I understand her reluctance to take additional drugs, and I know she doesn't want to become dependent. I'm hoping, if we can get her body to a regular sleep cycle that she can eventually go off the drugs.

"You're right that she's going to become very tired for a while as well. Her body has been so deprived of sleep and nutrition that now that she's getting both her body's going to try and make up for all it's missed. We need to make sure she sleeps when she's tired and maybe for a few weeks making sure that one of us is with her if she goes out, in case she goes somewhere and is too tired to get home. Her body will adjust in three or four weeks."

"Shouldn't be a problem," I said. "I don't intent to be away from her much for a while."

Carlisle laughed and Esme smiled and said, "I'm sure you don't plan on being away from her. She really is making progress. I know it's slow, but yesterday when she hugged Carlisle, I almost cried. I would never have guessed her ready to touch another man so soon."

"Yeah, I was surprised and proud of her for that. I expected her to stake him over the money and she hugged him instead!" I said.

"Thanks for leaving me out to dry on that conversation, by the way," Carlisle replied.

Edward snorted. "Hey you did it. I wasn't taking responsibility. I figured as head of the coven you could step up and take responsibility for your actions."

Carlisle tried to grab me to put me in a head lock but I dodged him. We ran around the kitchen until Esme spoke up. "Ok you two. Enough, before you cause trouble. Edward, go get changed so you can be ready when Bella gets here."

I moaned and walked away. "Don't remind me." I was trying to avoid the thoughts of Jasper driving Bella here. I knew in my head she would be fine, but I was still nervous she wouldn't be. I knew Jasper had amazing reflexes and should be able to prevent any accident. My mind though kept thinking up scenarios of how Bella could end up hurt. Jasper was in Alice's sports car and if he was doing even one mile over the speed limit I would rip an arm off.

I quickly changed, went to my computer and started looking up specs on the safest car there was. With Bella coming over to do physical therapy with Emmett, Jasper likely would be driving her more often. I was determined to sure make he had the safest car to drive her in when I couldn't be there.

Soon the house filled up with all my siblings and Bella. Alice pranced up to me while I was holding Bella, who looking a little worse for wear after her session with Jasper, and spoke. "Edward, you need to go hunting."

I glared at her. Bella pulled away from me and looked in my eyes. Alice didn't even try to act contrite, she knew making the statement in front of Bella guaranteed that Bella would make me hunt.

"Edward, when was the last time you hunted?" Bella asked.

I huffed. "I'm fine. I don't need to hunt right now."

Alice stepped in. "Yeah, you do. You haven't hunted in a while. Wouldn't it be better to hunt now, while Bella's awake, than when she's asleep and needs you? If you leave now you'll be home before she goes to sleep." Edward, she needs a little time without you or she'll become totally dependent on you. She'll be fine. If anything happens I promise to call you immediately.

I sighed and closed my eyes. I knew it was worthless trying to fight. I bent down and put my forehead against Bella's. "Call me if you need anything, even if it's just to talk. Ok?"

"I promise," she said.

Emmett came up behind me. "Come on bro. Let's go. Let's let the women do their thing and let's go be manly men."

I rolled my eyes, but followed my brothers out. Emmett climbed in his jeep. I hated when he drove, but didn't make any comment. As we were driving Emmett spoke up. "So, Bella didn't seem her normal cheery self. Is she ok?"

Jasper took a moment collecting his thoughts. "She's ok. The next sessions are going to be difficult. I've been going easy and letting her get comfortable with me and what we are doing; now, though, I need to start pushing her. She left enough significant things out of her retelling that I don't know if she's repressed some of what happened to her, which will mean I need her to retrieve those memories, or if she just didn't want to share it all. Either way I will not be her favorite Cullen for a while, and I hate it even though I know it needs to happen. I'm now giving her more and more to think on that isn't pleasant.

"Edward, I'm going to need you to be there for her in a lot of ways. She's gonna crash at some point and will need you there to pick up the pieces. I don't know what she'll be like beforehand. Either she'll be striking out and mad or will close in on herself. Either way you need to not let her push you away. Don't go against her, but make sue she knows you're around."

I felt bad for Jasper. I knew not only was he going to be pushing Bella, but he was feeling the pain she was feeling too. I think in a lot of ways Jasper had the hardest gift to have. He not only had to help Bella with her pain, but he feel it too.

"What do you mean? What didn't Baby tell us?" Emmett asked. I cringed part of me didn't want to know any more horrors.

"It's not like that Emmett. She told us most of it. It's just the reality of it verses what she said is so much more. I viewed the video and the concise sentences she gave don't really show how bad it was. What has me most worried is that she had several orgasms. With all the date rape drugs she was on, it was inevitable and unavoidable. Still every time she cried out in shame. Paul kept telling her what a slut she was for liking it. Honestly, that boy needs to be castrated."

The whole time Jasper was talking I was growling low in my chest. Images of what he saw were filtering in his mind and I saw my love being violated. It was even more horrific than I thought. My fists were clenched in my lap and I wanted to strike out and kill.

Emmett spoke. "You watched that. Don't you think that was a little personal and violated Bella?"

"I needed to see exactly what I was dealing with. It doesn't help me to help her if I don't know as much as I can. Yeah, it was horrid to watch, but it had to be done. The worst is, that Edward, you're going to have to watch it."

"No!" I growled out.

Jasper tried sending waves of calm at me that weren't doing much.

Emmett was shocked. "You want Edward to watch? Seriously, you'll kill him."

Jasper answered. "No, I don't want Edward to watch. I'm saying he'll need to though. In February Bella will be going to trial, Edward I'm assuming will be with her . . ."

"I will be there," I interrupted.

"The worst thing would be for Edward to be there and seeing the video for the first time. If he is anywhere in the courthouse you know he will be seeing the video through the thoughts and minds of everyone there, that includes Paul. Is that the best time for him to do that surrounded by humans while he needs to be strength for Bella?"

"Fuck." I didn't even want to contemplate seeing that video but Jasper was right.

Emmett spoke. "Who's all going to the trial? I know I want to be there for Bella and Rose will want to go. Heck she'll take the head off anyone who tries to stop her. She wants to be there for Bella through all of this as much as she can."

Jasper added. "I want to be there. I know Bella will be having a difficult time and with me as her therapist she'll need me. Alice won't be left behind and I doubt Esme will let her child go without her. I don't know if Bella will want us all there. It will be up to her, but I'm going to encourage her to let everyone support her."

I ran my hand through my hair. I couldn't let go of the idea of this video that I did not want to watch. "When do I need to watch this video?"

Jasper sighed. "I don't know. Not right now. We have time but you will need to watch it eventually. Let me know when you're ready and I will be there for you bro."

Emmett nudged me. "Me too. Even if you need to just talk. I'm here for you."

Seeing Emmett calm and concerned would surprise many people, but I knew he could turn the jokester off when needed and that he was sincere about being there for me.

"Thanks guys." I said.

Emmett of course was sympathetic for long enough and said. "Enough with the crying. We are here to be men." He pulled in to a parking lot at a National Forrest and said. "Whoever gets the biggest kill gets to drive home!" I smiled as I took off, knowing this was his way of giving me a way to burn my angst and letting me drive.

I lost myself hunting that afternoon and kept my mind from everything we'd talked about in the car. I focused on the hunt and the kill and was happy when I got to drive home that evening. We got back to our house early enough that I could spend a little bit of time with Bella before she had to go to sleep. When I walked in the house she flew to my arms and cuddled in. I lifted and carried her to a chair and she pulled back and gave me a kiss. "I missed you," she whispered.

"I missed you more," I responded happy to have her in my arms and kissing me.

The next two days passed quietly. Bella came back from her sessions with Jasper with a darker cloud of depression around her each day that took longer for me to coax away from her. I decided to get her away from it all and started planning a date for the two of us. So far Bella hadn't gone beyond our house or hers, other than the one time we went skating and Christmas service. I could tell she was closing herself off from the world and I wouldn't let her do that.

When Bella got to my house the next day Emmett was waiting for her in the foyer with a huge smile. "Dizzy Izzy! Today's the day. I have enough equipment to get started on training! Go visit Alice, she has some clothes for you and then meet me downstairs." Emmett's excitement was pouring off of him.

Bella looked at me worried. I brushed her cheek. "Do you want me to come with you?"

She took a deep breath and glanced at Emmett and then back at me. "You don't have to."

"How about I walk you down there and stay while you get started." I said.

She nodded and went up to Alice's room, where I hoped Alice had no makeover torture planned, to change. I waited for her and tried to not let the shock cross my face when I saw her. She was always in baggy clothes and while I could feel how thin she was it was another thing to see her in workout clothes that should have been skin tight but hung off her. I kissed her head and grabbed her hand even more gently than I normally would. She was so incredibly breakable; I momentarily was scared about touching her at all.

She must have sensed my hesitancy and looked at me. I smiled down at her and shook my head letting her know everything was ok. I led her downstairs where Emmett had set up our new gym. I admit I was impressed when I walked in and saw everything he had set up.

Bella looked a little nervous but Emmett came up, grabbed her hand and enthusiastically started pointing out every machine, what they did, what she would be doing and was so excited Bella started laughing. I stood back watching them interact. Emmett really was good for her and she was good for him as well. I think they interacted as siblings more than any of the rest of us and Bella had a wit about her that played off Emmett's perfectly. I hadn't seen my love smile so much in a long time, nor crack jokes. Part of me wanted to be jealous, but I couldn't be with as happy as she was.

Soon, though, I noticed something that took the smile off my face. I was watching Bella stretching and seeing her flushed face, listening to her breathing get deeper, my pants started getting tighter. I looked away hoping that would help, but I could still hear and saw through Emmett's eyes. Her scent engulfed me and pushed me further down the path of arousal. I groaned as my body reacted more to what was going on. Lately I'd spent a lot of time aroused, but this was worse than normal.

I couldn't take being in the same room as Bella anymore and ran to my room as Emmett's laughter and teasing thoughts followed me. I paced my room trying to get the images of Bella bending and panting out of my head and they wouldn't leave. I spent forty six minutes and thirty five seconds in agony until Rose walked into the gym and started self defense training for Bella. As I watch Rose pretend to attack her, my arousal ebbed and my fear grew. I knew Rose wouldn't harm her but seeing Bella in Rose's thoughts, being attacked tried my will power. I wanted to be there protecting her.

Finally Rose was done and Bella was slowly walking up to my room exhausted. She came in and I grabbed her and held her in my arms. Her scent over powered me as she was still flushed and sweaty. I groaned in my head as my body reacted instantly and I was aroused again.

Bella pulled back. "I know I stink. Can I grab a shower?"

I stood staring at her. Was she serious? She wanted to get in my shower, where she would get wet and soapy while cleaning her whole body, while I was in the state I was. All I could do was nod, there was no way I could form a sentence.

She gave me a small smile but looked confused. I watched her walk into the bathroom and heard her slowly undress and start the shower. By this point my erection was throbbing. As soon as she stepped in the shower and I heard the water hit her soft skin I was done for. I threw open my balcony door and took off. It was either that or I was going to do something very ungentlemanly. I had promised Bella I would never push her and I was beginning to realize how difficult a promise that would be to keep.

I ran for a while trying to will my erection away. When that didn't happen I started thinking of any nonsexual image I could. Anything that would repulse me to the point I would no longer be in danger of having my pants rip open. Finally I had control of myself and felt like I could see Bella without mauling her. I turned back to home and found her asleep in my bed. I groaned as my erection came back as I instantly imagined what I could do to her on that bed, but I was in control of myself and sat on the bed next to her, brushing her hair and let her sleeping heart calm me.

When Bella awoke we went downstairs so she could eat. It was obvious that this morning had taken a lot out of her. I was happy to see her so worn down, because it meant her body was finally reacting the way it should. It had been so long since Bella had done anything like today and her body was trying to get the rest it needed. I had a feeling she would be falling asleep again soon.

I brought her to the kitchen, where Esme was, and those two chatted like best friends. Esme truly saw Bella as her daughter and Bella responded to Esme much as a daughter would to a mother. I was again hit with how Esme needed Bella and Bella needed Esme. Esme never got to really mother any of us, and she was in her element having Bella to lightly mother and love. Bella needed Esme just as much, a grown woman she could get a sense of balance and peace from, if not motherly love.

When Bella finished eating we walked into the movie room where my family was slowly gathering. I sat on the couch and Bella curled up against me. I pulled her in closer, listen to my family debate what to watch and if we should wait for Carlisle to get done with work before starting. Everything seemed so normal and peaceful; I somehow knew this was how my life was meant to be from now on.

Finally someone decided on a movie, I wasn't paying attention to what was put on. I was enthralled with Bella and just watching her. Eventually she started to nod off and I pulled her even closer. I loved that she felt so safe with me and that no one else could hold her like I could.

After while she started fidgeting and finally moved so her head was in my lap. I drew my breath in as I watched her move and turn so her face was planted close to my manhood, which was fighting to get out of my khakis at this point. I groaned and tried to will the pictures of Bella giving fellacio out of my head. I felt like the sick monster that I was thinking such thoughts about my love.

I was so focused on trying to get images of Bella in a sexual way out of my head I didn't hear Jasper trying to get my attention. Finally his shouting got my attention and I looked up to see my whole family watching me. I could see in their eyes I looked wild, I was breathing in short ragged breathes and my eyes were dilated completely black.

Carlisle came up to me and crouched down. "Edward, are you ok? If her blood is getting to you walk away. There's no shame in having to leave your signer, even if she is you mate."

Jasper spoke quietly. "Carlisle, Edward is having lust issues, but not blood lust."

Carlisle's eyes widened. "Oh, I didn't think of that." He paused for a moment and thought through what he knew of mated pairs. "I should have expected this. Your bond is trying to have you claim each other. You've known her for four months. I don't think there has ever been a mated pair that hasn't consummated their relationship after four months. I doubt there has been one that hasn't made it four days without intimacy. I'm sure you're being drawn to her and I imagine she is to you as well. This is a complication, but it isn't insurmountable. I would think if you are overwhelmed leaving to get yourself together, much like you did when her scent overwhelmed you would be the thing to do."

Emmett broke in. "Yeah, and you need to wank more too. That might help."

I groaned and covered my face. I did not want to have a family meeting about my sex life, or lack thereof. I figured this was some kind of cosmic retribution for me knowing all my family's thoughts and now I could feel the way they had no privacy. "Emmett!" I hissed.

Carlisle cleared his throat. "Well, Edward, he has a point. I know that as vampires we have a very insatiable libido at times. How often are you masturbating?"

I closed my eyes and sighed knowing I wouldn't get out of this conversation. Not with Bella in my lap pinning me down. I wouldn't wake her just so I could avoid a conversation. No matter how much I didn't want to have it. "I'm not masturbating. I will not objectify Bella like that."

Emmett spoke up. "No wonder you're so horney. I would die if I didn't clean my pipes out daily. That explains your uptight ass. Dude seriously go jack off and we all will feel better!"

Carlisle turned to Emmett. "Not now!" Emmett just shrugged and sent multiple thoughts letting me know he thought I needed to start masturbating now.

Jasper offered his opinion. "Edward, it's not objectifying her. Listen; if you were a normal person that slept you would be having wet dreams now that you are more aware sexually. You can't do that so you need to take things in hand, so to speak, before you do lose yourself, or heaven forbid attack Bella because you are so pent up you crack."

Carlisle said, "well there's that, but also other reasons. It would be horrific if you had your first orgasm with Bella. There's no way you can anticipate the physical, emotional, and mental reactions that you'll have. They could be violent and harm Bella if you go in cold. You need to have an idea of what will happen."

Alice gave her thoughts. "Edward, you love Bella for who she is, not what she is. Yeah, if you had a picture of her, never having talked to her and got off to it that would be objectifying her. This is completely different, she's your mate, and she can't be intimate right now. It would almost be like phone sex with a couple away from each other. You love her for who she is not what she is."

I ran my hand over my face. "Fine! I will think about it. Please, do not think I am walking to my room right now to do so though."

Everyone laughed and Emmett spoke up. "Do you need any pointers? I suggest lube, lots of lube and sometimes music with a good beat helps."

He planned on continuing and I cut him off. "Thank you, Emmett. I'm such I can figure it out on my own!"

I spoke louder than I meant to and Bella's eyes fluttered. She looked up at me. "Is everything ok?"

I brushed her face. "Yes, love. I'm sorry, Emmett was being a pain. I didn't mean to wake you."

She gave me a sleepy smile. "That's ok."

I glanced up at my family and knew I needed to get out of my house. Their thoughts on my sexual prowess, masturbation habits, and other thoughts were killing me. I needed out and being with my love, who was silent in mind was perfect.

"Do you want to get back to your house? That way you can get comfy in your pajamas." I knew I was playing dirty. My girl loved to relax in her pjs and cuddle up.

Bella looked at me and I knew she knew there was more to what I was saying. "Ok, if you want to get going I'm good with that."

I smiled letting her know I was ok. We said our goodbyes and Bella surprised me by hugging everyone, not just the girls. Emmett was over the moon shouting about how Bella was hugging him and acting like a general maniac. She just laughed joking if he was going to make such a fuss she would have to stop doing it. He pouted and pretended to cry.

Soon we were at Bella's and not long afterwards she was in bed sleeping for the night. As I sat by her bed, holding her hand, I thought about what my family said. I knew logically I must have masturbated when I was a human. What seventeen year old hot blooded boy hadn't? I came from a time much different than this one. In my day teenagers were not promiscuous and there is no doubt in my mind that I was a virgin so any relief I would have found from my, assumed, raging hormones would have come from my own hand. Why then was I struggling so much now?

I looked over at Bella and knew the difference. I would not be doing this to satisfy some hormonal spike. I would not be imaging some unknown woman that I would never meet. No, I would be doing this because of the emotion that Bella stirred in me and she would be the sole focus of my thoughts.

Would that be so bad? Would I be betraying her in some unknown way if I found my release, release I would not have needed if I didn't have her in my life, with her as my muse? Would she fault me for being a normal man and doing something that countless seventeen year olds did on a weekly basis?

Carlisle's point was valid as well. Would having my first orgasm be prudent with Bella? Vampires are extremely sexual creatures. While I have never partaken of that side of my nature I have been around those that have. I couldn't have lived the years in my house I have without being exposed to the couples there procreating. No, my family was as normal as other vampires in that respect, and had sex with their mates daily or more often. The only way they were different than most is they were monogamous.

I cringed thinking of the times I had spent with the Volturi and their sexual escapades, daily group orgies, sex parties and human baiting for sexual and feeding pleasure. Felix went through a period of time when he wouldn't feed on a human without raping them first. It was disgusting and vulgar.

No, I would not treat Bella like that, nor would I use such images or thoughts to find my own pleasure. I would cherish her in my mind, as I did in my actions when she was with me. I took a deep breath thinking for the first time that I really could possibly do this. I think the constant erection I had helped push the decision.

The morning past quickly, I was distracted by the thoughts in my head and more than once Bella gave me a concerned look and I tried to keep my thoughts on the here and now, but they continued to drift.

Finally Jasper came for Bella's session and I went home determined to try and masturbate. I had no clue how the idea had become such a pivotal issue for me, but it had. Ignored my family and walked up to my room. I had decided the shower was the place to try for my first time. I quickly stripped and turned the water on. Before I got in the mirror caught my eye. I turned and face it full on looking at myself. I had never taken an inventory of what I looked like as a man. Yes, when I was first turned I had looked at the monster I'd become, but since then I had never really looked at myself.

I was thin. Carlisle had turned me right before I would have died of the Spanish Flu. I'd been bed ridden and sick for days and my body showed it. I wasn't emaciated by any means, but there was no fat lingering on me either. All of my muscles were defined, but small. I didn't have a body builder stature like Emmett did, no my stature was more like a long distance runner, wiry yet toned. I didn't sport a six pack, but there were lines that defined where my abs were. My shoulders weren't as broad as they would have been if I'd been turned as twenty two or twenty three, but they were big enough for Bella to lay her head on and that was all that mattered to me. My hips were thin and my legs were lean. Over all I thought I looked aright and wouldn't scare Bella if she ever saw me naked.

I turned to the shower then and looked down at my erection jutting out, begging for attention. I'd been privy to the thoughts of countless teenage and fraternity boys over the decades and prepared my hand with a bit of soap before starting.

I tentatively place my hand on my penis and instantly felt it jump in anticipation. I took a deep breath and slowly started stoking to see what pressure I would like the most. I quickly let myself go to the sensation of what I was doing. My hand started picking up speed and my thoughts turned from the technique of what of I was doing and drifted to what it would be like if it was Bella's soft hot hand and not my own stroking me. I moaned at the thought and my hand picked up speed. I could picture and almost feel Bella's hand and hear her heartbeat race, as my own would be doing if it could.

The image and need caused my belly and upper thighs to tighten and suddenly my erection was erupting and spurting out cum. My knees got weak and I had to place a hand on the wall to steady myself. My vision tunneled and I groaned as the most delicious sensation came over me as I orgasmed.

I ignored Emmett's shout of "We have liftoff," and let the most peaceful lassitude settle over me. I couldn't remember ever feeling as loose or as settled as I did right then. Part of me was excited to have my first vampiric orgasm, expecting sparkly seminal fluid or fireworks. Another part of me was happy my first time hadn't been with Bella, I had lost myself for a few seconds and if she had been in my arms or I had been on top of her there is no telling what might have happened. At that moment I decided that I would need to masturbate more often if I ever hope to get to the point where I could have an orgasm around Bella.

I also had to acknowledge that I didn't feel I'd defiled my love in anyway. The thoughts and images in my head had been entirely simplistic and not risqué. I turned the shower off feeling a lot less tense than I had in a while and was looking forward to Bella coming over after her session with happiness, contentment, and with no lingering fear of having my baser nature take control. My first for ray into masturbation had definitely put things into perspective for me.

*sigh* so how was the first lime/lemon? I'm not sure which it is. There was an orgasm which seems lemon but there wasn't another person there which seems lime. Whichever it was how was it?

Nissa thank you for your pre-reading and awesome thoughts. Last chapter it was her idea for Carlisle and Bella to go to Christmas service together. Nissa your support is instrumental to me.

Please read and review and let me know your thoughts.