Chapter 30

Even if he were in the most comfortable of beds, sleep wouldn't have come to Joel. This morning, he had so many friends, and now they were all gone. They were all dead, one of them by his own hand. He had no reason to keep fighting, no reason to keep living, no reason at all.

You must keep living, because to live is to fight!

He could hear June speaking the words in her soft, tender voice. He heard her words as clearly as if she were sitting right beside him, whispering into his ear.

She had been the smartest of all of them, that much was clear to Joel now. While the rest of them carried on with their silly daydreams about ambushing the careers, June had no delusions about the true horror that was coming. She had known it would come to this, and she had chosen to remain true to herself through it all. She was the strong one, not him.

He was tired of fighting. He was tired of living. Life had become an unwanted burden. What he was getting out of it simply wasn't worth the price he was paying for it, and he wanted to cancel his subscription. It kept promising great things, only to deliver more pain and sorrow. It kept piling up higher and higher until it was more than he could bear. Then it came back and delivered more.

I suppose everyone would seem strong to a crybaby, but I am truly strong.

Her lecturing voice came to him once more, and it was as if they were on the train all over again. She had been just as terrified as him, he knew that now, but he was the one who wouldn't stop crying. She truly was the strong one, there was no doubt about that, but then why was he the one that survived?

The Capitol anthem blared out across the arena, and Joel had just enough strength to squirm around and stick his head out into the cold night air. Up above him, he watched the faces of all the friends he failed float across the sky.

Poor, misguided Helen, and the Edward, the fierce dragon. Pure-hearted May, then Jason, who had finally decided to trust all of them. Sweet Hannah, clutching her stuffed alligator. Austin and his menacing golden eyes and his mischievous grin. Then June herself, smiling sweetly down at him. Anna, who made him promise to be her friend forever. Then fierce, but kind-hearted Zephyr, and Arnold, the plan's mastermind. Then giddy Rocco, grinning ear to ear and the shy, timid Jade, whom he owed his life to. Jade, whom he had done nothing for as she was killed in front of him.

The anthem rang out again as the last face vanished, leaving him all alone once more, his only companions the darkness, the cold, and the relentless rain.

It wasn't just June he let down, he let all of them down. He did nothing as they fought for him. He merely sat there at the base of his pedestal as all of his friends gave their lives for him. And how had he repaid them? He ran away like the coward he was. After promising not to hurt any of them, he killed June, and he ran. He let all of them die.

The image of Jade's arm falling free would not leave him. It replayed in his head over and over in slow motion, like a record caught in an endless loop. Her eyes, one green and one red, both wide with terror. Her fingers stretching out for him, begging for him to come help, to save her. Then it was floating free, severed just below her shoulder, tumbling down to the pavement below.

The careers weren't paying attention to him then. If he hadn't frozen up, if he had rushed in, could he have saved her? Did it even matter anymore?

The weight of all of his friends fell on his shoulders, and he felt that it was physically crushing him. He wished that it would, then the waking nightmare would be over. He wished that his concrete alcove would collapse, trapping him under two tons of concrete and steel. But it didn't. His subscription to life renewed once more, and time marched on.

A puddle of icy water was beginning to form at the base of his alcove, but he could hardly feel it. He was already numb.

It is not too late to fight. It is never too late to fight.

The guilt tore at him, and he squirmed in his warren, unable to find a comfortable position, but that was preferable. He didn't deserve to be comfortable. He deserved to be cold, miserable, and alone. He had done this to himself. There was nobody to blame but him.

He deserved himself.

He squirmed again, arching his back, bracing against the smooth concrete. His hand made a scraping sound as it ran against the walls, and something popped free from his hand. It clattered lightly off of several solid surfaces before entering the water below with a soft splooshing sound.

It took a moment for the reality to catch up to him. When it did, it jolted him awake, as if someone zapped his chest with a defibrillator. A tendril of pure fear crept up through his chest as he felt his hand, realizing in horror that the rose ring had slipped off.

He looked down, but the alcove was the darkest of blacks. Even with his eyes open wide, he couldn't see a thing. He closed his eyes, diverting his senses to touch, then got to his knees. His sadness and apathy gave way to fear as he frantically swept the flooded floor for the ring. The water was ice cold, and the temperature shock woke him from his hazy slumber.

It all came back to him in a rush, like water bursting over the top of a dam. He remembered his promise to June; the promise he said he wouldn't break, no matter the cost. The promise he wasn't done with yet. He couldn't give up now. Not yet- he still had a promise to fulfill.

At last, he found it. His hand closed around the ring, and he pulled it from the water, securing it once more on his finger. Relief flooded through him, and he ran his finger across the crest, feeling the individual petals of the small rose. As long as he had this ring, he could feel June with him. He could feel all of them with him. This burden was too much for one person to bear, but he didn't have to bear it alone. They were all with him, all of his friends.

The alcove was cramped, cold, and darker than anything he had ever experienced. Though he was freezing in this cold, dark pit, when he looked up, he could see the dim rays of the moon shining through the cracks. He pushed the blocks barricading the opening aside, revealing a pair of golden eyes shining in the dark. Austin extended a hand to Joel, and he took it. Austin pulled him out of the cramped space and out into the open air.

Joel closed his eyes. He took a deep breath, then released it. When he opened his eyes, they were all there. In the dark, cold rain, his friends surrounded him. They patted his back, nodded at him, pushed him forward. One by one, they stepped up and took a piece of Joel's burden; the burden that he could not bear on his own. Helen, Edward, May, Jason, Hannah, Austin, Zephyr, Arnold, Anna, Jade, and Rocco. They weren't angry. They didn't blame him. They were proud of him. They supported him. One by one, they pulled a piece of the weight from Joel's back and took it upon their own.

If he could not find a reason to live for himself, he would live for them. He would live for her.

And there she was. Beautiful June, her deep sapphire eyes, brighter than the brilliant blue sky, her flowing red dress, her silky blond hair spilling out of the back of her neatly tied bonnet. She stepped forward and took his hand in hers. In her presence, the darkness and the cold faded away. There was nothing in the world that could hurt him while she was here with him. The foil ring on her hand rubbed against the rose ring on his, and together, they walked on into the night.