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There's no time to lose, I heard her say
Catch your dreams before they slip away
Dying all the time
Lose your dreams
And you will lose your mind.
Ain't life unkind?


- 'Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday', The Rolling Stones

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Chapter 38

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It had started raining on their way to Martin's apartment so they hurried out of the cab and rushed into his building. They were dripping wet as they rode the elevator up and Danny wondered what he would even say to Martin if he was there. What words do you say to someone who lost their fiancée and unborn baby in a tragic accident? 'I'm sorry' doesn't seem like enough.

Danny and Sam headed down the hall and stood in front of Martin's door unsure if they should knock or just go in. Would Martin even answer the door given his state of mind? In the end, etiquette won out and Danny knocked lightly on the door.

And not too surprisingly, Martin did not answer.

He pulled out a key and when Sam looked at him questioningly he explained, "I'm watching Milo and Martin wanted to be sure I could get in if I needed anything."

He almost joked that Martin treated that dog like it was his kid when he thought better of it.

He unlocked the door and they entered the dark, quiet apartment. The blinds were drawn closed and while the living room was empty it looked like it had been tossed. The couch cushions were disorganized and stuff was moved around in a disorderly manner. Sam walked to the kitchen and peeked inside. She turned back to Danny and shook her head indicating that he wasn't in there either. They both looked down the dark hall to the bedroom.

"I should go alone," Danny said softly to Sam. She hesitated a moment before agreeing. He thought that considering the circumstances it might be best to not have an old love comfort him on the loss of his new love.

He walked slowly down the hall and gently pushed the door open, looking inside. The room was dark and smelled like rain. The French doors were wide open letting in light. In the shadows he saw the back of Martin's head. He was sitting on the floor, propped up against the bed as he looked out at the rain pelting the city in loud, pounding drops.

"Didn't anyone ever tell you it's polite to knock?" Martin said; his voice sounding like coarse sandpaper.

"I did knock but you didn't answer," Danny retorted as he walked around the bed. He saw that Martin was holding a tiny brown teddy bear and looked so full of sorrow that it was hard to look at him without wanting to cry. Wordlessly Danny sat down on the floor and joined him at staring out at the rain.

There was a roll of thunder and a crack of lightening that when it flashed brightly illuminated the bedroom. It was like an invisible camera was taking a picture of one of the saddest days in Martin's life.

They sat there in silence for a long moment when Martin, still staring out the open doors, asked in a soft voice, "How is Viv?"

Danny swallowed the lump in his throat and replied, "She's good – she's in recovery."

Martin nodded his head slightly and looked at the Teddy Bear in his hand. He ran his fingers over the soft fabric, tracing the bear's ears and nose. "I came back for this." He jiggled the stuffed animal. "I bought it to give to Ruby when I visited but I guess Milo had gotten a hold of it because I couldn't find it before I left. I decided I'd just give it to her next time."

Danny gave a closer look at the toy and saw that patches of the bear's fur were matted and clumped from the dog chewing it.

"She was laughing," Martin said. "Ruby was laughing when…. We were arguing about names for the baby and I said since we couldn't agree on one we might as well name the baby 'First.' Apparently she thought it was funny because she laughed. I was watching her laugh and she told me to stop looking at her and pay attention to my driving because the light had turned green. 'Green means go' she said. So I turned to face the street and rolled into the intersection when some teenager who thought he could beat the red light…." Tears started down his face and he bit his lip until it was white. He wiped the tears away from his face and nose and took a deep breath.

Danny remained silent and just let Martin grieve and talk.

"You know that phrase, 'Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it'?" He asked and Danny nodded his head trying to follow Martin's non-linear one-sided conversation. "When the doctor's told us that Ruby was dead and asked us about organ donation all I could think about was something Viv said. I had told her that I was praying that she would get a new heart and she said, 'It was tough to pray for a heart transplant because someone has to die so you can live.' Ironic isn't it? I never thought that the heart Viv would get would be…." He couldn't finish so he just covered his face in his hands and sobbed. "I almost had it Danny. I almost had my own family."

Danny reached over and grabbed him tightly much like he did when it was Rafi who broke down in his arms. After all they had been through he considered Martin to be as close as a brother and right now his brother needed him.