Author's Note: So, I - surprisingly - had some writer's block for this fic. Then, something happened - My OCs caught Hunger Games fever. And, thus, this parody was born. I had a lot of fun writing it, and the part of this oneshot that parodied Mockingjay was my favorite. I hope you enjoy this parody!
Warnings: Hunger Games AU. It is also a crack parody of all three books, so proceed with caution. Some key scenes and characters (like Plutarch Heavensbee, Cato, Johanna, and Buttercup) may be missing, because it's a cracky parody.
Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece, The Hunger Games, any songs used, or Superbad. Also, no pirates were harmed or killed in the making of this Hunger Games parody.
"The female tribute for District 12 is… Hana Yakushi!"
Hana facepalmed. It was Reaping Day in Panem, and she was picked to be in the 69th Hunger Games.
"Oh, for the love of Homer Simpson!" Hana cried as she made her way onstage. "Any volunteers? I'd prefer a male volunteer, since the fights you can get into during these games look like softcore yaoi sex scenes!"
All the males backed away. Bon Kurei, the Sassy, Gay Escort for District 12, facepalmed as he pulled out a name for a male to play in the Hunger Games.
"And, our male tribute is… Portgas D. Ace!" Bon Kurei announced. Five minutes later, Thatch and Marco dragged a sleeping Ace onstage. Everyone sweatdropped.
"Uhh… Happy Hunger Games! May the odds be ever in your favor?" Bon Kurei proclaimed.
"Get on with the squirrel jokes!" Holden shouted from the audience.
"Squirrel jokes! Squirrel jokes! Squirrel jokes!" The crowd chanted. Hana sighed, because this was going to be a start of a LONG saga.
"So, Hana, what do you think of the Capitol?" Apoo asked Hana. It was now the day of the interviews, and Hana – who was dressed as Haruko from FLCL – and her stylist, Hawkins, were being interviewed.
"It sucks," Hana said with a smile on her face. Absolutely nobody reacted.
"Okay, next question – Are you pregnant with Portgas D. Ace's child?" Apoo asked Hana.
"No. He's been asleep ever since the Reaping," Hana explained. "Next question, bitches!"
While sticking out her tongue, Hana flipped off the camera. Again, nobody cared. Why? Because this is a crack fic, that's why.
The next day, the tributes were forced to show off their talents to the Gamemakers.
"So, Ace, what is your talent?" Gamemaker Moria asked Ace, who was STILL asleep. "Next!"
"I can sing," Hana stated derpily.
"That's nice, sugar," Moria said apathetically.
"Talk to me
Tell me your sign
You're switching sides like a Gemini
You're playing games, and now you're hittin' my heart
Like a drum
Yeah, baby
And she bangs, she bangs
Oh, baby
When she moves, she moves
I go crazy
Cause she looks like a flower, but she stings
Like a bee
Like every girl in history
She bangs, she bangs
I'm wasted by the way she –" Hana sang like William Hung before Moria cut her off.
"GTFO," Moria stated. Hana pouted.
The next day, the Hunger Games began! All the tributes ran for the cornucopia.
"Move, bitch! The gun from Portal is mine!" Hana yelled as she pushed several tributes out of the way and grabbed the gun from Portal.
That night, almost a dozen cannons went off to signal about a dozen tributes' "deaths". All of them "died" when Hana pushed them out of the way to get the Portal gun.
The next night…
"Are you sure this will work?" Hana asked her ally from District 11, Bonney. Currently, they were setting up a diversion to take food from three tributes, Jyabura, Kidd, and Margaret.
"I got this. I'm one of the authoress' favorite characters," Bonney said before walking right into her own trap, causing a fire in the tree that held the trapped. "A little help here? This feels like something used in S&M foreplay."
But, before Hana could help, Kidd stabbed Bonney with a plastic knife.
"Oh, no. Bonney died," Hana said emotionlessly as she cut Bonney from the net and placed food – not flowers – all around her body. "I know! I'll sing Bonney's lullaby!"
Hana cleared her throat.
"I… Just wasted… Ten seconds of your life," Hana sang to Bonney's corpse.
The next day, Ace and Hana were the only tributes remaining.
"Only one tribute –" Moria explained before he noticed that Ace was asleep. "Okay, you both win. I told you guys not to eat the Skittles, didn't I?"
"That was you?" Hana asked innocently before popping some Skittles into her mouth. Moria facepalmed.
"Why is it that the ditzy yaoi fangirls always win?" Moria wondered to himself.
A few months later, Hana, Ace, and their Hunger Games mentor, Thierry, were about to go on the Victory Tour.
"Hmm… Thierry is drunk and Ace is asleep. I hope we don't get in trouble with President Snow," Hana thought to herself before reading some XXX-rated Kotetsu x Barnaby yaoi. "You can use a STARFISH for THAT? Oh, Dear Lord…"
About a month later, Hana and Ace found themselves at the Quarter Quell. But, since it wasn't the 75th Hunger Games, it was known as "Da Hungah Games", "Battle for Bikini Bottom", "The Semi-Quarter Quell", or simply "Anime Expo". We would like to note that the last title threw off millions of anime fans. You're welcome.
"Hey, baby," A District 4 victor, Heathcliffe, said to Hana before stripping off his shirt. "Do ya think I'm sexy?"
Hana hit Heathcliffe with her huge yaoi manga book.
"Aren't you supposed to be a man-whore somewhere else?" Hana asked.
"Well… You have a point. Have a nice day," Heathcliffe said before skipping off. "Oh, Isabella!"
Hana sighed.
"Let's see… The girls playing Johanna and Wiress never showed up, the guy playing Finnick is as much as a douche as Finnick, Ace is STILL asleep, and I've got 99 problems, but a bitch ain't one," Hana thought to herself. "I can't wait until this AU chapter is over so I can go back to the Hyperion, make some shamrock shakes, watch Delocated, and play Fruit Ninja at the Apple store."
"Stop playing this shitty music! Put Green Day on!" Heathcliffe yelled. Two days have passed since the last scene, and Hana, Ace, Heathcliffe, and Usopp were the only tributes who showed up. The other two, a Ke$ha wannabe (who was Wiress) and Isabella, died due to a glitter overdose (Ke$ha wannabe) and walked out (Isabella), and Usopp was playing the song Tik Tok in memory of said Ke$ha wannabe.
"I'm bored. Let's throw this hackey sack around," Hana said. She threw the hackey sack into a force field, which caused a giant explosion.
When Hana (and Usopp and Heathcliffe) came to, they were inside of a Wal-mart/IKEA. Holden was standing over their beds, and he was dressed as a Wal-mart greeter.
"Welcome to District 13, a.k.a., Wal-mart!" Holden greeted the three.
"Not so loud. It's not even noon," Heathcliffe moaned sexily.
"It's eight o'clock at night, baby bro," Holden stated.
"Why are we in a Wal-mart?" Hana asked.
"Correction. It's a Wal-mart SLASH IKEA. Basically, President Snow and his people decided to light a bonfire outside of District 12 a few days back. Well, there was some drinking involved, maybe some drugs, but, we know one thing – Somebody threw a propane tank into the bonfire, and the bigger fire burned everything in the District except for the Victor's Village," Holden explained. Hana began crying.
"Nooo! Now where am I going to buy my black-market yaoi?" Hana sobbed. Usopp and Heathcliffe sweatdropped.
"If you need me, I'll be in the shower," Heathcliffe said. "Usopp, want to help me shampoo my hair into funny shapes?"
Usopp grew pale.
"I'm straight," Usopp said.
A few days later, somebody thought it was a good idea to marry Heathcliffe to his fellow District 4 victor/sweetheart, Aki.
"Aww! Love conquers all, even though Heathcliffe is a man-whore and Aki is CRAZY in this AU," Hana cooed to her older sister, Aria, and BFF, Sadie. Then, the T.V. turned on, showing Ace in a prison. Again, he was asleep. Everyone sweatdropped.
"I am seventeen and what is this?" Holden asked everyone.
"We are torturing Portgas D. Ace right now because he is not Finnick Odair. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the show."
Then, the loudspeakers in Ace's cell began playing.
7am, waking up in the morning
Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs
Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal
Seein' everything, the time is goin'
Tickin' on and on, everybody's rushin'
Gotta get down to the –
Sadie turned off the T.V.
"Oh, no! We've gotta save Ace, stop the revolution, and kill President Snow, all before my soaps come on!" Hana cried.
"I'll come!" Ageha, the head of District 13, said.
"Me too!" Urouge said.
"Hell yeah! Sounds like fun!" Heathcliffe said.
"I'll be joining my bro in this," Holden said. Aki then cried REALLY HARD and hugged Heathcliffe REALLY TIGHT.
"Sarutobi-kun, don't go! You're gonna die out there!" Aki sobbed. Heathcliffe stroked her hair.
"It'll be okay. We'll make out right now, and nothing's gonna hurt us," Heathcliffe said. What then transpired was this: all the couples make out while all of the single people ate Italian cookies.
"I'm so glad Heathcliffe is playing Finnick in this Hunger Games parody," Yuki-Rin commented.
"Whew… Finally made it," Hana said, wiping the sweat from her brow as she approached the mansion President Snow lived in. She came alone, because Urouge got arrested for tax evasion, Holden had to make a phone call to Pizza Hut because everyone got hungry, Ageha disappeared, and Heathcliffe got attacked by some dog-lizard-Latias hybrids that required him to get some rabies shots from Chopper. "I hope we can get this done in time for –"
Hana then noticed two things. One, there were a bunch of kids – including Aria – dressed as nurses standing in front of her. And, two, her shirt that said "I Love Yaoi" turned into a shirt with a Mockingjay on it.
"Oh, NOW the Mockingjay comes into play! I see how it is!" Hana said angrily. The mansion then blew up, sending the kids flying.
"We're blasting off again!" Aria cried as the kids blasted off again. When the dust cleared, Ageha was sitting at a table, drinking tea with President Snow.
"President Snow! I should've known it was YOU!" Hana cried. President Snow took his disguise off, revealing that… Pwngoat was President Snow all along.
"Baa?" Pwngoat bleated. Hana shot them with the Portal gun. Ace, in his sleep, crawled up to Hana and FINALLY awoke.
"Hey, when do the Hunger Games begin?" Ace asked Hana.
Hana then awoke on the Hyperion. Everyone who got a line in this awesome parody surrounded Hana.
"Hana, are you ready to go to the movies to see Superbad?" Yuki-Rin asked Hana, who smiled.
"After all I've just seen – including shooting Ageha with the gun from Portal and Heathcliffe offering Usopp to take a shower with him -, hell yeah!" Hana said.
"Good. Go get your fake ID that says "McLovin'" and meet us on the upper deck," Yuki-Rin said before everyone left the room. Hana breathed a sigh of relief.
"Thank God the authoress didn't choose The Hunger Games as a series for her OCs," Hana commented.
Cast List (Meant to be read as end credits to this parody):
Katniss Everdeen - Hana Yakushi
Gale Hawthorne - Holden Sarutobi
Peeta Mellark - Portgas D. Ace
Madge Undersee - Sadie Hawkins
Effie Trinket - Bon Kurei/Mr. 2
Primrose "Prim" Everdeen - Aria Yakushi
Haymitch Abernathy - Thierry Brighton
Seneca Crane - Gecko Moria
Cinna - Basil Hawkins
Caesar Flickerman - Scratchman Apoo
Rue - Jewelry Bonney
Cato - Jyabura
Clove - Margaret
Marvel - Eustass Kidd
Finnick Odair - Heathcliffe Sarutobi
Mags - Isabella Sarutobi
Beetee - Usopp
Wiress - A Ke$ha wannabe
Annie Cresta - Aki Chung-Feng
Boggs - Urouge
President Coin - Ageha Midori
And...
President Snow - Pwngoat (A.K.A. Sengoku's goat)
Ending Note: This chapter is dedicated to all of those who have died in the Japanese earthquake, tsunami, and nuclear disaster last year in Sendai. And, to all of those people who still have friends and family missing as a result of this disaster, here's something I'd like to say - Don't give up hope. Luffy, Yuki-Rin, the rest of the Straw Hats and Capricorns, and all the other good guys in One Piece and in One Piece fanfiction have your backs. They will fight for you and their stories of adventure will brighten your day. To my readers in Japan who may have known people that died or went missing in the disaster - I hope this fanfic and One Piece: Parallel Works continue to make you smile. Because, as Namie Amuro said in the 14th opening, we fight together.
Review if you want to see more parodies of things, from Twilight to The Notebook to K-On.