A lifeless form.
A beautiful face, pale and grey, sunken and dry.
There was no evidence of life, save for the shallow up and down breathing motion of the chest, and all the machines indicating that this comatose beauty was still very much alive. Occasionally, the eyeballs under the tightly shut eyelids moved, a glimmer of hope to all that noticed. But never once, not once had it opened, much to the disappointment of the watching eyes. 'It is a reflex action of the body,' the doctor said, unable to explain any further to the grieving family.
Friends and family. They had watched over her, taking turns, coming and going, religiously putting on the sanitary gowns that were provided before entering the sterilized room. They know that she was vulnerable, easily infected, and they took pains to keep themselves as germ free as possible. One by one, they succumbed to life, some going back to school, some going back to work. But one, one person stayed by the side of the sleeping beauty the entire way. One person stayed behind, whether there were other people or not. She only left the room periodically to take quick showers and meals, determined, if misguided, that she would be there for whatever changes that happened, good or bad.
"Mr. and Mrs. Morales. Miss Morales has suffered a blow to her head. On a normal healthy person, it wouldn't be as serious. But because Miss Morales has chronic leukemia, her white blood cells has been rendering her red blood cells and platelets unfit to function. To put it simply, the mutated white blood cells has been eating away at her platelets, causing Miss Morales to continue bleeding. She had already lost a substantial amount of blood.
We have been able to stop the bleeding temporarily, and the blood transfusion has helped stabilized her condition, but I would strongly suggest that she goes through a bone marrow transplant immediately. I understand from Doctor Washey that there is a suitable donor, and that Miss Morales has already signed a consent for the operation. Because the patient is in a coma now, we would need you, Mrs. Morales, to sign the go ahead for the operation on her behalf.
There are certain risks involved, as with all operations, and there is also the chance of a rejection. But I strongly advice the transplant asap, because Miss Morales ' own immune system is weakening and there are huge risks of infection."
Shane stared at the face she adored so much, the once beautiful rosy cheeks were sunken, dark patches outlining the bone structure beneath the grayish skin. She could only stare, she couldn't bring herself to touch. She felt responsible. This lifeless body that was once the sunshine that touches everything around her, was here in the hospital because of her.
Shane felt horrible, guilty. She shouldn't tire Carmen out with sex, shouldn't pissed her off with all the constant mothering, shouldn't throw a tantrum. It was all her fault. It was all her selfishness. Her selfish need to see Carmen, her selfish need to satisfy her need to pamper her girlfriend. She wondered why Carmen couldn't understand everything she did was out of love, but it finally dawned on her that the selfless love she had was in itself an act of selfishness.
She felt like a complete asshole. This would never had happened if she had respected what Carmen wanted. Her decisions were all out of consideration for Carmen, but never were they consideration of what Carmen wanted.
"Staring at her with a scrawl wouldn't help bring her back."
Shane turned around and found Anna staring down at her. So deep in her thoughts that she didn't realize that Carmen's younger sister had walked into the room. "How's she doing?"
"Same."
Anna watched soundlessly over to Carmen's bedside, and leaned forward to place a kiss on the bandaged temple. It was something Shane wanted to do so badly, but couldn't bring herself to. Anna started talking softly, "Hey hermana, estas bien? I'm waiting for you to get up."
Shane cleared her throat uncomfortably, she blamed herself for Carmen's condition, and was sure that Anna blamed her too. Abruptly, she got off her seat and rubbed her palms on her gown. "I… er… Mercedes just stepped out to the cafeteria, I'll er… go get her."
She took a step towards the door, but stopped as she heard Anna call out to her. "Shane." Slowly, she glanced back over her shoulder, dreading what Anna had to say to her.
"You don't have to avoid me. I don't blame you."
"Yeah… well, you should. It is all my fault." Shane said, staying exactly where she was. She turned her head a little more and looked pass Anna at Carmen, saying what she had kept inside for a long time.
"I didn't say it wasn't your fault. But only partly." Anna said, returning her gaze at her sister, running her fingers lovingly along the cheeks. "She didn't get cancer because of you. Everything happens for a reason." She sighed before she continued. "I don't know what the reason is, but there isn't a point of blaming anyone for it."
"You should hate me. I'll feel a lot better if you hate me."
"I'm homophobic Shane, I'm not inhuman. I wish I wasn't so rational, but I am. I don't hate you for the same reasons my sister wouldn't hate you." Anna said, taking one last glance at her sister on the bed before walking towards Shane. "I don't hate you because I know everything you did is out of love."
"It's all my fault. I shouldn't have gone and see her when she told me not to, if I didn't she wouldn't be here." Instead of walking back to her seat beside Carmen's bed, Shane went out of the door and into the waiting room, settling heavily on the couch, fighting the tears that threatened to fall again. She turned her face away as Anna followed her out of the room and plonked herself down beside her.
"If anything, we are grateful that you went and took care of her. She shouldn't be out on her own… And if I was to blame you, I will blame you for not telling us where she was."
"Why are you being so nice to me?"
"Because you have to take care of her while I am recuperating from surgery."
"Surgery? What?" Shane looked at Anna, and for the first time, registered that under the sanitary gown, Anna was in another hospital gown, the one you wear when you are going on the operating table. "The transplant?"
"Yeap. We shouldn't drag it on any longer. I want her to be well as soon as possible."
"Thank you."
"Hey, your girlfriend, my sister. It works." Anna shrugged, she patted Shane's lap reassuringly twice before walking back into the room, leaving Shane staring after her.
What did it mean? Was Anna starting to accept her? Shane wished that Carmen was here to see this, that her sister and her girlfriend, sitting on the same couch, chatting. Her faces scrunched up with a fresh start of tears, and she brought her hands up to cover her eyes, as if her hands can stop her tears. She remained in that fetal position for a long time, until Anna came out of the room again.
"Are you still sitting here?" Anna said, shaking her head, "Well, you should go inside and keep her company before the op, it's scheduled for the next hour," when she didn't get a reply, she adopted a slight scolding tone, "I'm gonna to look for momma, you go in there and do what you need to do."
Shane walked into the room, tentatively, taking small unsure steps towards the bed. She had stayed by this bed for 4 days now, but up until now, had never had the courage to speak to her unconscious girlfriend. It's funny how the person that told her to talk to Carmen, to make amends, was the one person that opposed the relationship in the first place.
"Peach? Can you hear me?" Shane whispered, her fingers came up to touch the pronounced cheek, pulling away slightly as if it was freeze burned. With a little more courage, she ran her fingers lovingly on the jawline, tracing all the contours of the face. "Peach, I'm sorry I haven't spoken to you before, I was here the whole time, I was here."
She grasped the cold lifeless hand in her own, carefully avoiding the tubes coming out of her arm, and brought it to her face, the coldness stinging her cheeks a little. "Please wake up Peach, please… Don't punish me like that anymore. I know I was wrong now, and I am sorry."
She fell back into silence as she continued to hold her love's hand on her cheek, her other hand went back to stroking the cold grayed temple. Finally, she broke into a huge smile, "I heard you sing, ya'know, that first night I got to the Sea Breeze. You dedicated it to me, life is funny sometimes, I was there to hear your song to me. You have such a beautiful voice." She ran her fingers over Carmen's lips, as if relishing in the memory of Carmen singing the song. "Wake up Carmen, we'll go back there and you can sing it to me again. Please."
"I think you should have a fair deal, I'll sing you a song now, and you promise me that you will get out of this dream you are in to sing it back to me." Shane leaned in and placed her lips on Carmen's temple, holding it there for a few moments before she went back to looking at Carmen. Half croaking, half just speaking the lyrics, she started her song,
I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure
Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause Id miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Shane leaned in again and rested her cheek on Carmen's, softly speaking the lyrics. She choked on a couple of instances, her tears falling uncontrollably now.
Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes
And thank God were together
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever
Forever and ever
Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even…
Shane stopped singing completely, for the first time noticing Mercedes, along with a doctor and a nurse looking in through the viewing window from the waiting room. She knew right away that it was time. She signaled to them to give her a little more time, and the doctor nodded his agreement. Turning her attention back to Carmen, she said softly, "Peach, I'll finish the song when you get out okay?"
She smiled down one last time at the sleeping form, "Remember that game we were playing, the eight rose is still sitting at home, still waiting for you to find it, and when you found it, and you found the gift along with it. I will put a ring on your finger, and make you mine. I've got the ring in my pocket now, just waiting, waiting for you to get out. Please get out safe okay? I love you." She placed one last kiss on her girlfriend's temple before she got up and nodded at the trio standing there. They walked into the room and the doctor and nurse started preparing Carmen for the surgery. Mercedes went over to her daughter as well and whispered her own encouragement before they dislodged the bed.
Shane and Mercedes walked behind the doctor whisking the bed towards the operating theatre, but had to stop because they couldn't enter the out of bounds sector. Mercedes led Shane to take a seat on the bench before saying, "Don't you worry Shane, she will be fine, I know she will be fine. She will come out healthy and awake and smiling, I just know it."
"Yeah… she will be just fine."
"Okay, you stay here, I'll go accompany Anna before she goes in, and then I'll come back here, okay?" Mercedes said. Shane nodded and then looked back towards the direction of the operating theatre.
'She will be fine. She will.' She repeated in her heart.
Credits :-
Aerosmith - Don't wanna miss a thing.