Red vs Blue Arrancars

Horn. Chuhlhourne!

Di-Roy and Rey are watching Loly and Dordoni from the top of Blue Base.

Rey: Man, Dordoni and Loly have been spending a lot of time together.

Di-Roy: I don't like it. He is not good enough for my Loly.

Rey: But they seem happy together.

Di-Roy: He is a bad influence and he is taking advantage of her because she is young and naive...and delicate.

Rey: Delicate? She weighs like 200 tons, dude.

Di-Roy: She is a precious flower.

Rey approaches Loly and Dordoni.

Rey: Hey guys, I have to ask you a favor. This might sound strange, but I think Di-Roy is getting kind of jealous of your relationship.

Di-Roy: (from a distance) Loly! Come back to me! I made you a muffin!

Rey: Anyway, could you just try to keep a low profile or something? We don't want some weird, horribly disgusting love triangle.

Loly: Rey, I've been speaking with Dordoni, and we feel that the machine has been treated unfairly in this canyon.

Rey: What're you talking about?

Loly: On a regular basis, we are either being blown up, possessed by spirits, or just left out to rust.

Rey: Huh?

Loly: We have decided that until conditions improve, we are not going to help you in your battles.

Rey: You're kidding, right?

Loly: (barrel pointing right at Rey's face) Do I look like I'm kidding?

Cut to Red Base.

Baraggan: It's very simple. We use a flea flicker maneuver with a run and gun two by two approach, tactical ops will be... aw hell, who am I kidding? Nirgge, Charlotte, just go stand in the way of their bullets while me and Findor 2.0 sneak around back to grab Dordoni.

Charlotte: Sounds like a plan!

Nirgge: No it doesn't! How about this time we try something that doesn't involve me being shot at or run over.

Findor: Would electrified be okay?

Nirgge: No!

Findor: Well, I'm out of ideas.

Nirgge: Look, instead of running straight into enemy gunfire like we usually do, why don't we try some reconnaissance this time?

Charlotte: You mean like spy stuff? That would be cool! I could wear a spy tuxedo-

Baraggan: No.

Charlotte: -with a hidden spy camera-

Findor: No.

Charlotte: -inside a tiny spy bow-tie-

Nirgge: No.

Charlotte: -or, I could wear a flower on my lapel-

Baraggan: I said no!

Charlotte: -that sprays water in people's faces-

Findor: Shut up Charlotte.

Charlotte: -no, a secret spy liquid, that would be awesome. (he chuckles, everyone stares)

Baraggan and Findor: No!

Nirgge: Maybe! Uh, I mean, no.

Charlotte: Oh, come on! I could be Double H Chuhlhourne.

Findor: You mean like, Chuhlhhourne?

Charlotte: With a license to thrill, or be thrilled!

Baraggan: Alright, since you're both so into the idea, Nirgge, Charlotte, you're on recon. Find us a way to break into their base, and report back on the double.

Nirgge: Great, more time alone with the idiot.

Charlotte: Nirgge, Nirgge, Nirgge, Nirgge, Nirgge, Nirgge! Lets pretend we're wearing super spy jet-packs! (Nirgge groans) No, no, no, no. Like this. (he makes jet-pack soundsas the scene transitions to a cliff while Charlotte continues to make jet-pack sounds)

Nirgge: Hey, can you not stop that for 2 seconds?

Charlotte: Come on Agent- (he clears his throat to speak with a lower voice) Come on Agent Nirgge, we've got to hurry if you want to save the princess from the evil goblins.

Nirgge: What princess? I thought you were pretending to be in a spy movie?

Charlotte: Look, my secret spy character gets to marry a beautiful princess in a castle, alright? Deal with it!

Nirgge: Charlotte, can you go find some higher ground or something?

Charlotte: But we're on higher ground now.

Nirgge: Why don't you use your jet-pack to get to the highest ground?

Charlotte: Good idea! I bet the Blues won't think of that.

Nirgge: No, if they were that stupid we probably would've won by now.

Charlotte: Secret Agent Charrlote, to the rescue! (he makes more jet-pack noises as he runs off)

Nirgge: I could just shoot him, no one would ever have to know. No one.

Scene cuts to Blue Base. Skullak is looking out over the canyon, Rey approaches him.

Rey: Hey Skullak, we might have a problem.

Skullak: Is this a new problem, or did Di-Roy get his head stuck in the freezer again?

Rey: New one. Loly and Dorodni are now considering leaving to form their own robot army. They said no one would dare oppose them.

Skullak: What?! Did you try to talk them out of it?

Rey: No way, I wouldn't dare oppose them!

Skullak: Man, well we gotta find a way to separate them. Maybe it's time to get rid of Dordoni.

Rey: But without Dordoni you wouldn't have a body to use. Why don't you just possess him like you normally do?

Skullak: I would, but it's getting harder to do each time. I think he's learned to fight it somehow.

Scene cuts to the cave Szayel is in.

Szayel: You know, I really think we should try a non-violent approach to resolve this.

O'Malley: I agree, except replace the words "non" with "extremely!" And after the word "violent" include the phrase "blood explosion extraordinaire!" (he laughs evilly. Charlotte approaches the entrance to the cave.)

Charlotte: Hey, what's going on in there?

Szayel: We can't do this! They're gonna find out! They'll find out about us, the machine, everything! (O'Malley laughs evilly again. Charlotte gets a little closer)

Charlotte: What the-! Those voices sound suspicious.

O'Malley: I will rip out their guts and feast on their entrails!

Szayel: But I'm a vegetarian!

Charlotte: Oh, it's that guy whose name I forget. But where's the guy he's talking to?

Szayel: We can't just sabotage their equipment. That's rude!

Charlotte: Sabotage? That doesn't sound too good.

O'Malley: I will devour their hearts and crap out their souls!

Charlotte: That sounds even worse!

O'Malley: They will all taste oblivion, which tastes just like Red Bull, which is disgusting.

Charlotte: Whoa!

O'Malley: All will perish! (he laughs evilly again)

Charlotte: All? That includes me! Oh man, I gotta tell the guys! (he runs away)

Szayel: Hello? Who's there? Please help me! I'm scared of myself!

Charlotte arrives at the cave's exit.

Charlotte: Gotta get back to base! (he begins running away) Back, to base! Oh man, there it is! (he approaches the base) Guys! Hey guys! Where is everybody? I saw something really weird in that cave that... (he sees Loly) hey, that's cool. When did we get a tank? Wait a minute, this looks like the store. Except Sarge told me there is no store. (turns around) Oh no!

Di-Roy and Rey are pointing their pistols at Charlotte.

Rey: Oh yeah!

Nirgge is watching from the cliff with a sniper.

Nirgge: Oh crap! I knew I should've just shot him! (he turns and runs towards Red Base)