Mentally screams.

Again.

And again.

Once more.

Slams frying pan on Danzo's head, cries with Shisui, eats a cupcake, and commences with screaming.

Hugs Itachi.

Screams.

Argues with Shisui and OCs Ryuu and Satoru about how to best inspire for story.

Realizes one cannot hate Sasuke and write fanfiction at the same time.

Reluctantly hugs Sasuke and drags him into the study, plops him into a chair next to Itachi, hugs Itachi tightly, grabs cupcake, and begins typing.

I SO need a life.

... . .. .. .. .. .. . .. . ..

Sakura dropped the basin she was holding with a clatter as Kakashi stumbled into the tent, Sasuke's limp body in his arms.

"Sakura! I need your help!"

"Sasuke!" Sakura gasped, running towards her wounded teammate. Shizune grabbed her wrist and pulled her back, brandishing a kunai in warning.

"Remember what happened the last time, Sakura! Looks can be deceiving!"

"Sakura, we don't have time for this!" Kakashi objected. "He's dying!"

Sakura wavered, torn between common sense and gut instinct. Even from a distance she could see the seriousness of the wound. They couldn't afford to hesitate.

"I'll get Naruto," Shizune offered. "Don't let them come anywhere near you!"

"We don't have time to wait for Naruto," Kakashi argued. "Sasuke needs medical attention now!"

"I know," Sakura groaned, frantic and at a loss for what to do. "But how can we know that you can be trusted? You could be another one of those things trying to trick us."

"Ask me anything," Kakashi offered. "Any question at all. Hurry, Sakura!"

Her mind racing, Sakura proferred the first thing that came to her mind. "The test you gave us, when we first became genin - "

"Bell test," Kakashi replied promptly. "Now, hurry!"

Sakura threw caution to the wind and ran to Sasuke, her heart clenching at the devestating wound. The flicker of movement was caught too late, and Kakashi's fist suddenly lashed out and crashed into her temple.

"Sakura!" Shizune screamed as the Haruno fell.

Sasuke sprang to life in an instant, a kunai appearing in his hand faster than thought. Sakura only had time to recognize her utter stupidity as the sharp impliment sped straight towards her heart.

"Huaah!" An enraged shout drowned out the Zetsu's screams as Naruto's flaming shadow clone burst into the tent. Sakura stumbled back against the ground, her elbow stinging as it struck a chair. As a blur of golden chakra rushed past her and Kakashi and Sasuke's forms exploded in a field of white, the gory remains splattering the tent fabric.

"Sakura, are you all right?" Naruto questioned frantically as he turned towards her.

Sakura nodded in a daze, clutching her bruised ribs. Naruto's worried gaze swept over her as he helped her to her feet.

"He didn't hurt you, did he?"

Sakura shook her head in response. "I'm fine."

In truth, she was shaken. This was the second time she had nearly been killed by a faulty patient. The next time, she might not be so lucky. The particular incident alone had been too close to home for her.

"I'll be close by," Naruto said firmly. "Don't let anyone in here until I have a chance to check them first."

"Hai," Sakura replied softly. "Don't go too far away. If that really had been Sasuke..."

Her warning was instantly cut off as Kakashi burst through the tent flap, Sasuke hanging lifelessly in his arms.

"Now that's going too far," Sakura objected, pulling out a kunai. "Pulling the same trick twice in a row? I would think even Orochimaru would have more sense than that!"

"Wait, Sakura!" Naruto shouted, grasping her hand before she could attack. "That really is Sasuke!"

Sakura let out a choked gasp and darted forward. Kakashi carefully eased his burden to the ground, a thin rivulet of blood running down his temple.

"An ambush further down in the valley," he panted heavily. "Barely got him out in time."

Sakura's face was set as she examined the horrific extent of the kunai wound. "It's going to be touch and go," she assessed, her voice surprisingly calm despite the identity of the injured party. "The kunai was driven nearly completely through his back. Shizune, I'm going to need your help. I don't have enough chakra to do this on my own."

Even with another medic's help, Sakura wondered if it would be possible to save the Uchiha now. Already severely depleted of blood, Sasuke would lose even more of the lifegiving liquid when the kunai was withdrawn. Already his pale skin was clammy to the touch, and he was scarcely breathing.

Sakura refused to consider the impending consequences of failure, concentrating only on the task at hand. The extent of the wound was horrendous. Torn organs and muscles had to be repaired. The ragged pathway of damaged cells had to be blocked up to prevent further loss of blood. On its way through the kunai had nicked a lung, causing even further damage. Sakura and Shizune worked tirelessly, comforted that each shallow, tortured breath proved that Sasuke was still alive.

"We'll need a blood transfusion," Sakura mentioned, wiping the sweat away from her eyes. "He's type AB. He can take any donor."

"Not you, Naruto," Kakashi spoke up before the Uzamaki. He rolled up his own sleeves and knelt beside the two kunoichi. "You're only a clone, after all. You would destroy yourself."

"Heh, didn't think about that," Naruto said sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck.

Sakura ran a hand through her hair as Shizune prepared the blood transfusion. "I don't know if it'll be enough," she murmured. "There's too much damage."

"Do what you can," Kakashi pressed. He added teasingly, "He's as stubborn as any Uchiha; it takes more than a kunai to kill him."

"Yeah, remember what happened to Itachi," Naruto added. "He just can't sit down and die."

Sakura smiled softly, comforted minutely by their words. Taking a deep breath to steady her hands, she nodded to Kakashi and prepared the transfusion. I won't lose you, Sasuke. Not again.

. .. . ... . .. . ..

For a long period of time the situation seemed touch and go. Sakura could remember in stark detail the number of times Sasuke failed to draw breath. She nearly collapsed in relief when his condition was finally stabilized.

"He'll be okay now," she smiled shakily, drawing a blanket up and tucking it securely around the Uchiha's chin. "Just make sure he stays here, Kakashi. If he tries to fight in this condition - "

"I'll keep him under control," Kakashi beamed, flipping his M rated paperback out of his pocket. Sakura shot him a glare.

"I mean keep an eye on him, not your pervertted reading material."

Kakashi sighed mournfully and carefully dog-eared the page before setting his book on the table. "There, happy?"

Sakura nodded, a smug if fleeting grin crossing her features as she left the tent to attend the other wounded. Kakashi waited several minutes before snatching up the forbidden volume and flipping to his marked page.

"Now, where were we...?"

. .. . .. . .. . ..

Abruptly Naruto slid to a halt, nearly causing B to catch his foot and trip in the process. Instantly another series of rap lyrics began. Itachi shot the eight tails a glare before adressing Naruto.

"What happened?"

"It's Sasuke," Naruto replied, his gaze fixated on a blank spot in the distance. "He's hurt bad."

Instantly Itachi rounded on him. "How seriously?"

"It was pretty serious," Naruto said. He cringed under Itachi's glare. "Hey, Sakura has it under control! Kakashi's gave him a blood transfusion, and Shizune was there too, so he's gonna be okay now, right?"

Itachi hissed under his breath. Someday his little brother was going to get himself killed from sheer stupidity - if Itachi managed to refrain from murdering him first. Which to choose between; the greater threat of Madara, or being at his brother's side during this moment of crisis. The answer, unfortunately, was painfully obvious.

You really are intent on driving me to my grave, Touto, Itachi shook his head. When this is over I am locking you up for as long as it takes to drive some sensibility into that thick scull of yours. Idiot.

Naruto let out a shaky breath. "He's gonna be okay," he smiled. "But Sakura's really intent on keeping him out of the war."

"Excellent," Itachi snorted. "Maybe he'll stay out of trouble for once."

"I don't think so..." Naruto frowned. "He's pretty set on returning to the fray..."

. .. . .. . .. . ... .

"Let me pass, Kakashi."

Despite a wave of vertigo from the blood transfusion, Kakashi stood his ground against the dead set Uchiha. "Sorry," he smiled under his mask, "Doctor's orders. You're not going anywhere."

Sasuke swayed on his feet a moment but caught his balance, clenching his fists as he stepped forward. "This is a setback, nothing major," he insisted through grinding teeth. "Now let me through. I'll use my Susanoo if I have to."

"Now that will get you far," Kakashi said pleasantly. "You can barely stand, Sasuke. I know the toll Susanoo takes on your body. I wager you'll make it three steps before you fall flat on your face."

"I'm fine!" Sasuke snapped, his already short patience reaching its limit. "Itachi's out there alone - "

"Itachi will be fine," Kakashi assured in a bland tone. "He has Killer Bee and Naruto with him - "

"Oh, like that's going to help!" Sasuke rolled his eyes. "He's got the eight tailed freak with shades and the nine tailed dunderhead who can't stick his feet to a half rotted tree branch. Now he's expected to prevent their capture and protect himself?"

"Naruto is more than capable of fighting Madara," Kakashi replied, "And you should know from experience that Bee is not to be trifled with. If anything, Itachi might be the one in need of their assitance, not the other way around."

Sasuke scoffed. "Trust me, you have no concept of the extent of my brother's capabilities. He could take on Naruto and Bee any time that he wanted." Too late Sasuke realized his mistake.

"Then he clearly has no need of your help," Kakashi beamed, slipping his Icha Icha Paradise copy from his pocket.. "Now, why don't you be a good little brother and sit down and focus that glower on one of those rocks over there. Unless of course," he hinted, "You'd like some interesting reading material..."

"Keep your pervertted books to yourself," Sasuke bit back, slouching back on the bed with a sulk.

"Suit yourself," Kakashi retorted. He opened the paperback to the well worn, dogeared page, and sighed in satisfaction. "Really, Sasuke, you don't know what you're missing. The illustrations are quite magnificent." Hearing no reply, he dug the barb in a little further. "I'm sure Itachi would appreciate a few tips from this. The art of seduction is only rivalled by the sheer guilty pleasure in... hn? Sasuke, are you catching this?"

Kakashi glanced up with a frown, only to realize he had been adressing an empty tent. The young Uchiha was nowhere to be seen.

.. . . . . .. . .. ..

"Let me guess," Itachi growled, "He didn't listen."

"I don't get this guy!" Naruto shouted as he dodged through the trees. "He just got stabbed through the gut and he's still following us!"

"Why am I not surprised," Itachi hissed under his breath. "Sasuke, when this is over I will personally lock you in one of Konoha's underground prison cells and throw away the key."

"Don't mean to be breaking the tie, but we're about to run into the big bad guy," Killer Bee chanted in warning.

The three shinobi drew to a halt, instinctively flanking the masked figure standing alone on the hill. Unfazed Madara looked down on them, his eyes glowing crimson and violet in the gloom. Itachi glanced surreptiously to the sides, taking note of both black and white Zetsus approaching. Naruto took no heed, centering his attention solely on his intended target.

"You! You're the one who started this whole thing! All the people who died in this war, the Uchiha massacre, the Akatsuki, it's all because of you!"

Madara gave no reply, staring disdainfully at Naruto as though he were a sewer rat crawling dangerously close to his impeccable boots. Itachi sensed the trap almost too late.

"Naruto, he's baiting you! Get over here, before - "

Instantly the Zetsus surged forward. Their shapes morphed grotesquely, bulging and squelching as they took on the forms of the three allies. Naruto shouted in outrage before he was cut off from the group by a score of his own 'clones.' Itachi's eyes widened and he flickered in a blaze of sharingan to stand back to back with Killer Bee. In an instant the swarms were upon them. Perfect copies of the eight tails, nine tails, and Uchiha rammed against Itachi's shield as he unleashed his Susanoo. Killer Bee's octopus tentacles swept through the hoards, sweeping the Zetsus aside like dry leaves. Naruto's war cries echoed from the mass surrounding him, the only sign that he had not yet been captured.

Sweat beaded on Itachi's brow. As if it was enough for him to be combating multiple copies of himself, with the added jutsus of the mimic eight and nine tails his chakra reserves were strained to the limit. Already the Susanoo was causing him agony, but to let down his shield would ensure instant death. The Zetsu forces would engulf through, causing him and Killer Bee to separate. If they were not cut down by the overwhelming numbers they could kill each other with no knowledge of whom they were fighting. Naruto was the only one who could differentiate friend from foe in this grotesque conflict.

Even as he battled the seemingly endless onslaught, Itachi realized the situation was beyond hope. For every Zetsu destroyed, six more took their place as the army reserves burst from the ground, the spores exploding from the corpses allowing the plant man to regenerate faster than his clones could be destroyed.

Itachi wracked his brain for a solution, a weakness that could be exploited. For the first time his mind drew a blank. There was nothing more they could do. Unless the spores themselves could be massively destroyed across the wide expanse of a war ravaged landscape, they stood no chance.

They were finished.

... . .. .. .. .. . .. . . ..

Ugh, Kishimoto is ruining my perfectly beautiful plot by making his war ten times more epic. X( I still own Itachi, you Japanese Uchiha burglar!

Drat, I can't even claim my favorite character. Phooey.

Working on a solution, however Kishimoto and the Muse are at odds at how to end this war right now. They'll work through it somehow... maybe...