Back the Hard Way

*Title: Back the Hard Way

*Author: Farwalk

*Fandom: Law & Order: SVU

*Pairing: Eventually Olivia and Alex

Disclaimer: Don't own them. Law and Order SVU and characters belong to Dick Wolf.

THIRTY-SEVEN

She gave in. The moment the door shut, she no longer held back. They dropped one by one. She told

the cabbie just to drive. Her face soaked with tears. Her chest heaving to breath. Her body stiffening

from the convulsions. She didn't tell herself to calm down. She didn't encourage herself to stop. She

didn't think about anything. She just cried. The cabbie hearing the sniffles passed her the box of tissues

he had for such occasions.

"I want her back." Alex said sitting on the tailgate. The sound of an approaching jet drowned out any

possible response. "I want things they way they were before all of this. I wish to God everyday that I

had listened to her back then. I wish I hadn't played the 'stand on principles' DA and said enough. I

knew she would go along, I knew she would stand behind me." She was shouting now. Another airplane

was approaching, but her volume had nothing to do with the impending aircraft. "Just this once I wish I

had listened. She and I would be happy living here together. A team, a partnership on and off duty."

Alex stood and began to pace back and forth kicking up the dry dirt has she did. She stopped and looked

at Ian.

"I want to win her back. I need to win her back. I want to…"

"I I I. Do you realize that's all you have been saying for the last forty-five minutes. What about her?

What about what she wants? Which 'she' do you want?" Ian stared Alex straight in the eye.

Cragen walked through the heavy wooden door. The smell of stale beer and peanuts engulfed him. The

alcoholic in him loved that smell. The recovering alcoholic in him stomach turned. He looked towards

the bar. The bartender, Jake, gave him a small smile. He lifted his chin as if to point to the back corner.

Cragen nodded in understanding and walked in that direction. He knew this bar. Knew it better then he

would ever confess. The wooden walls still perfectly stained. The carpet no signs of wear. The lights

not too bright to blind you but just enough to make your way through the place without fall, no matter

your state of inebriation. He stopped short of the booth. He wanted to gather his thoughts a little more. Size up the occupant before he spoke.

"Are you just going to stand there or are you going to sit?"

"Well, I was going to say that you of all people should know not to sit with your back to the door." Cragen replied.

"And you should remember, I know this place as well as you do. And no matter where I sit I can see

everything." Olivia said raising her glass using it to point to the large mirror that hung on the back wall.

She gulped the amber contents of the glass and held it from the booth. Jake took the cue.

"Are you sure you need that?" Cragen asked. "It's not the answer."

"I didn't know there was a question." Olivia said smartly. Jake arrived with another scotch, club soda and a water. He and Cragen made eye contact. Jake would not be returning anytime soon.

"When did all of this get so complicated?" Olivia asked. Her hands in her lap, her eyes focusing on them.

"The moment you are born it's complicated."

"Ouch. Now that's the best I have ever heard." Olivia said with a slight chuckle.

"Not what I meant. The 'you' is a you-famisum."

"But a true one at that. How did you know I'd come here?"

"Instinct." Cragen paused. He loved Olivia like a daughter. He was about to tell her something that she

didn't know. He wasn't sure how she would take it. With a deep breath he began.

"I used to meet your mother here. One time, the first time, a call came into the precinct. You and Elliot

were out on a call. Your mother was quite out of it. Jake called the precinct looking for you. I had been with you when you had gotten your mother from here before."

"Once or twice. She was a creature of habit."

"I picked her up once and took her home. Sat with her awhile. When she sobered up, she and I had a long talk. I stayed with her through the weekend." Olivia shot Cragen a look. He raised his hand. "Nothing like that. I helped her through detoxing. I realized how bad she was, so I took the rest of the week off."

"You never take time off. Was that in…"

"Winter of '02. I have a place on the Jersey shore. Not pleasant during the winter, but a good place to

get sober. Stayed there a lot after I lost my wife." Cragen leaned forward. He wanted to make sure

Olivia heard what he had to say clearly. He reached for her hand that was now wrapped around the

glass of scotch. "She told me everything. About her rape. About you. About her true feeling for you. Her

hopes for you and dreams. And how she felt she wasted all of those years in a bottle." He squeezed her

hand so that she would look at him. "She wanted to get sober for you. She wanted to live in the future and not the past."

"And yet she died drunk falling down the stairs." Olivia took her eyes from Cragen. Using her left hand, she raised the glass of water to her lips.

"So you were lead to believe." Cragen added sitting back in the booth once again.

"What does that mean?" Olivia shot back.

"It's like with Alex, you believe what you want to believe. You are so busy protecting yourself and I can't blame you, that you forget to look and see what is really going on."

"One does what one has to do to survive." Olivia said now taking a drink of the scotch.

"Sure. You mother died two months after we spent that week at the shore. Her liver was for the most

part pickled. So there would always be alcohol in her blood. The trace in her breath was not from

drinking, but from this God awful mouthwash she would rise with."

"I fail to see what you are saying here."

"Everyone must have a crutch to lean on when they are about to give in to temptation. Your mother

hated the taste of this mouthwash, so she would use it and associate it with the taste of alcohol. Wong

calls it 'alternate association'. She would then not want a drink. The homeless guy that found her was

the culprit. He was partaking in a drink at the top of the subway. Your mom was on her way up. She

startled him. He thought she was going to steal his bottle. So he pushed her. Spilled his bottle on her

when he checked on her at the bottom of the steps."

"Why didn't you tell me all of this?" Olivia was a bit angry. "All of this time I thought she died the drunk I knew her has."

"Because you refused to listen. Still do. Still protecting yourself from things that are not your fault." Cragen waited. "She needed your respect and was working on getting it back. Alex needs you too."

"Oh for God sake she doesn't need anyone. She has everyone. I have been her for five years with nothing. No one."

"Dear Olivia. You have always had me. You and I are our only kind left on this earth. There is a reason that you have stayed under my command for so long. And reasons why I let you go to other assignments when asked."

"I know Don. I don't have the strength to give Alex. Frankly I am not sure I want to."

"Then what do you want to do?"

"I want to get Velez."

"Then why are we sitting here." Cragen said has he motioned for the check.

"You want Olivia now so that you can have something to cling to. Recapture something. Give yourself an identity. You don't know whether to miss Beth or long for Olivia."

"I have always longed for Olivia."

"Even when you were with Beth at your happiest moment?" Parker gave Alex a questioning look.

"I have longed for her the moment I decided to go into WPP. But, yes there were moments with Beth that I allowed myself to get lost in that moment." A sting of guilt arose inside Alex.

"That guilt you are feeling is natural. Reality is that you moved on. You allowed yourself to move on. Now that you no longer have Beth, you want what you left first. It's only natural."

"Funny I never took you for an introspective kinda guy."

"I'm not all cloak and dagger." He said giving her a soft nudge.

"What am I going to do now, Parker?"Alex asked while placing her head on his shoulder. "She was everything."

"She will remain everything." He said looking through the street. His eyes began to get hollow and distant again. "She will be in Everything you do, everywhere you go. Just everything.

Whichever she you are refering to." His voice grew softer. "But you have to go forward; there is no back button in life."

"Will you be here?" Alex asked hopefully.

"I wish I could. But someone has to make it stop, Alex." He began to grow stiff from sitting on the back of the truck. He needed to move. Escape. Go back to his

room and figure out what to do next. He placed a hand on her knee. "Alex, you have to promise me that you will go forward. You have to let me do my job and not worry about you here."

Alex raised her headfrom his shoulder. He jumped up and stood facing her. "I am not looking for you to say anything." He

paused, "Except yes." He did not wait for her answer; he turned and began walking down the street.

His boots hitting the pavement at a steady pace. Alex still sitting on the van just watched him walk. She knew there was nothing she could do to stop him. And frankly she did not want to.

Sorry it has taken so very long for this chapter. No real internet where i have been. New chapter this weekend.