The snow continued to fall in heavy sheets, making it difficult for Damon to see Elena's car ahead of him. He had insisted on following her home to ensure she got there safely in the weather. During the drive he considered the option that she might ask him to stay the night once they arrived; he weighed the pros and cons over and over with no final decision made by the time they pulled into her driveway. He watched as she got out of her car and ran to the covered front porch. She stopped and stared at his car, obviously waiting for him to join her. As he watched her through the falling snow he couldn't help but smile; this is where he should have been all along.
He turned off his car and exited, sprinting to join her on the porch. Once there he shook the snow out of his hair and off his jacket; she kept her eyes fixated on him the entire time, smiling and shivering. Finally he took her hands, rubbing them between his own to create enough friction for warmth. "I'm glad I was your birthday wish," he teased, "Otherwise I might not have ever showed up tonight." She continued to smile, beaming with pride. In that moment he forgot briefly that they had been apart for so long; things felt normal and effortless, and he wanted to be able to feel like this every second he was with her. As she spoke again he was brought back to the reality of the situation that had gotten them here and he was reminded it would not be that easy.
"Do you want to come in?" She asked shyly, looking away as she spoke but returning her gaze to his after she finished.
He had expected the question but still had no response prepared. He wanted to hold her in his arms all night, to fall asleep and wake up beside her - but he had a very difficult time considering the option when the first thing he pictured was her doing the same with his brother. "I don't know, it's late," he said, but his eyes told the real story.
"You can't drive home in this weather. It's just getting worse," She scolded; the perfect excuse.
He smiled, impressed by her determination. "Do you have a guest bedroom?" He asked as a formality, just in case.
Her eyebrows shot upwards but after a moment she sighed and nodded, "Yes. Look Damon, I know it's going to take a while for you to trust me again," She continued, moving her hands to the outside of his, "But I'm going to do whatever it takes to show you that I'm sorry and that I know what I want now."
He wanted so badly to believe her, and in most ways he did - but this did not change the past and he was glad that she realized it would take him some time to be able to get around those feelings. As he studied her expression, torn and desperate, he decided that the only option he had was to take a leap of faith. "I trust you," he said finally, finishing the sentence in his head with: What choice do I have?
Elena unlocked the front door and pushed it open slowly, obviously hoping that everyone inside would be asleep. Much to their dismay Jenna sat on the couch reading a book, and when she saw Elena's visitor she stood up abruptly.
"I didn't know you were having company," She said, but what she meant was 'What the hell is he doing here again?' and both Elena and Damon knew it.
"I didn't either," Elena smiled up at Damon as if Jenna were not even in the room and she reached for his hand, a not-so-subtle way of telling Jenna what had happened in the few hours she had been gone.
"It's late, Elena. I don't know if it's a good idea to-" Jenna's face read genuine stress and Damon felt very out of place.
"Jen, I'm eighteen now. If you don't want us to stay here we can go to Damon's house. But I think we would all feel much better if he just stayed here," Elena rationed, tightening her grip on Damon's hand.
Damon had never seen this side of her before and he had to admit, he was entirely turned on by her insistence. However, he still couldn't shake the unsettling feeling that he was an older, dangerous man standing in the foyer of a high school girl's house fending off the valid discomfort of her guardian. He wanted to intervene to defend his presence, but Elena had been right - she was eighteen now and there was no need for explanation.
Jenna stared at the two of them for another minute, her face tightening more and more with each passing second. "I hope you two are being safe," she said, mostly to embarrass them.
"Oh my God, Jenna!" Elena spun around so that Jenna would not see how red her face had turned and she pulled Damon up the stairs behind her angrily.
As they walked into Elena's room he took a good look around. He had never been in her room before and he was a firm believer that a person's space was the best indicator of their personality. The walls were a pale yellow, same as the rest of the house. She had a Queen sized bed and her comforter and sheets were solid white. The bed had an abundance of pillows, mostly hot pink in different shapes and sizes. On the walls were framed band posters and an occasional inspirational quote. One wall had a cork-board with a large calendar with days past crossed off and frowny faces next to future events like "math test". Around the calendar were dozens of pictures of Elena and her friends, mostly Caroline. On the dresser sat a large, intricate jewelry box with a lock, surrounded by pictures of her parents and brother. Her latest cheerleading picture sat closest to where he stood and he picked it up, smiling at her innocence.
"Stop," Elena was borderline blushing as she grabbed the picture out of Damon's hand, returning it face down on the dresser. "I don't even feel like the same person I was when that was taken. And it was only a few months ago," she said nostalgically, concern showing on her face.
"You're not," Damon replied quickly, not entirely sure what he meant by it. Elena looked at him inquisitively, obviously wondering the same. Undoubtedly the elephant in the room would not be avoided for long, and as Damon came to this realization he sat down on Elena's bed, patting the space next to him. "Not that there aren't a million other things I'd rather be doing with you on this bed," he began, lightening the tense mood, "But I think we still need to talk. Work through all this so it doesn't come up again."
She nodded, sitting cautiously on the bed next to him as if she knew she was about to accept her punishment.
"I've been thinking about what I wanted to hear," he continued, visibly unhappy about the topic, "But I figured out that what I want to hear and what I need to hear probably aren't the same things. I need you to be completely honest with me, Elena. I want to do this now so we never have to talk about it again. Maybe I'll get pissed off all over again, but I think it's necessary if we're going to move past it," he paused and Elena nodded, her expression growing more and more nervous with each second that passed, "Tell me everything. Tell me what happened, tell me what you were feeling, tell me why... Why Stefan?"
The sudden onslaught of impossible questions caused Elena to lean back in shock, bewildered and wondering how she would ever answer the questions that she had not even wanted to ask herself over the past several weeks. She looked away from Damon and down to her bedroom floor, the same spot she had stared at many nights pondering her actions and trying to figure out what had happened to the naive, sensitive little girl she was before; what had caused her to turn into the person she had suddenly become? This was ultimately what Damon wanted to know, and as she prepared to unleash her suppressed thoughts she took one last, deep breath.
"I guess it all comes down to...I don't know who I am anymore. After my parent's accident I felt so empty - this shell of a person, not wanting to let go of who I was before but needing to be someone different at the same time. Stefan represents that for me; that moment when everything changed. He was there that night, and after it didn't feel right going back to my old life. He was my new life, my new identity. And then you came along..." She lifted her gaze from the carpet to look at Damon, fully aware that her emotions were on display and for once not worried about hiding the truth, "You deal with things differently than anyone I've ever met. You've had a shitty life, worse than mine. And here I was moping about it, and there you were, just living. You don't care what people think about you and you do what you want. No rules, no guidelines. I guess I realized that I was so much more like Stefan, and I started to hate him for it. After that night you and I hung out I felt different, like I had found my place and that maybe I didn't want to be so much like Stefan - maybe I wanted to be more like you. I've never cheated on anyone, but you made me fearless. I felt invincible. I don't regret that, Damon, but that was my first mistake. I'm not invincible."
"I never wanted you to change, Elena. I liked you the way you were. You should never want to be like me, I've made all those mistakes and it's no way to live," Damon interrupted, unable to let her continue without voicing his disapproval.
"I know. Apparently I had to make them too," she shrugged, and he realized she was right; if he had listened to the adults in his life when he was a teenager he would never be the person he is today, and although he may still make unhealthy decisions, he became a different person after learning from his mistakes once before as well. She was quiet for a few more seconds before finally picking back up, "When I thought I was losing you I tried to get that feeling back, that feeling that I was invincible. I waited for you that night, and every minute that you weren't there made me feel more like the empty shell I was before. Stefan was there again, just like last time. He's always there...And I thought that meant something, I thought that meant that he was there to save me again. I do love him, Damon," Elena confessed, and the look on Damon's face nearly made her stop. He was silent, still watching her intently. "But it took that night for me to realize that I don't love him for the right reasons. I don't love him for the way he makes me feel, I love him for the way I make him feel. I needed that feeling that night, but that's not who I am. I could blame it on the alcohol, but that just gave me the courage to do what I thought I wanted in the first place. It took me weeks to realize that I can be my own person without you or Stefan. But when it comes down to it, the guy I want by my side is you," as the words continued to flow, Elena thought how it must appear that she had planned this entire confession down to the last word. In reality she was speaking from her heart, letting the words rise to the surface and cascade out of her with no filter and no hesitation.
Damon's expression remained unsettled but he finally looked away from her, indicating that he knew she was finished speaking. She allowed him a few minutes to reflect silently but with each passing second she became more and more nervous about what his response might be. This confession had been honest; it was her heart speaking and if he rejected those feelings she was not sure how they would ever be okay again. After this, there was nothing more she could say to explain herself and if this wasn't the explanation he was seeking she was sure she would never have the solution.
Finally he raised his head again and turned to her, displaying a look that indicated he had his own confession to make. "I thought I wanted to hear that you didn't love him, that you were just using him to piss me off. But I guess that's not what I want. If it were any other guy..." he trailed off, lost in another thought inside his head, "I understand why you feel that way about him. He's your constant, I've just been a variable. But I need to tell you something, while we're being honest," now Elena looked at him with a confused stare and her nerves were evident in her body language. "The night of your parent's accident... I was there too. I had been, uh," he searched for the best way to describe what he had been doing that night, but realized he still wasn't even sure himself why he had been at the bridge, "I was a loose cannon. We had just gotten back in town and being here was a lot harder on me than it was on Stefan. And then there was Trey. That night I was at the bridge, I had... I had jumped in the water," as he spoke Elena's eyes widened and her jaw dropped. "I wasn't trying to... I was just being stupid," he looked away and ran his hand through his hair in frustration, hating the way this must make him appear, "I know what you mean about wanting to feel invincible. I felt it that night," his eyes met hers again and the look there conveyed his point, that he understood more than she knew what it felt like to lose control of your emotions and act impulsively, "And I know what you mean about Stefan always being there. He was there for me that night too. Honestly, I don't know what would have happened if he wouldn't have been there. He's always been that guy."
"So why didn't you stay? Why didn't you help?" Elena could not help but ask, fearing that the answer might change the way she felt about her prince charming but needing to know anyway.
"We were already halfway back to the cars. We heard the noise and I wanted to go back with him, but he wouldn't let me. He didn't want me involved with the police after what happened with Trey, and he was right. I was a mess that night, Elena. There's no telling what I would have said to them. It was too risky. I've told you before and I'll tell you again; I'm not the man Stefan is. I've got a lot of demons and I don't handle situations the way I should. I'm working on it, and you've made me a better person... If you can believe that," he smiled, referencing the stupid decisions he had made since he met Elena and hoping that she understood what he had done the past couple of months was nothing compared to the way he used to be. However, he knew that his life was about to change again with his new endeavor and he wanted to feel her out, to see if she was planning on sticking by him when he showed his true colors. "But what I'm trying to tell you is... I'm not going to change who I am. I may not make the same mistake twice but I'm probably going to make new ones. I have a different agenda than my brother. Different goals. You may not always agree with them."
Elena stared at Damon for several seconds, trying to read between the lines and asking herself if this is really what she wanted. It appeared to her she had two options ahead of her: the safe path or the risky path. She had always been the type of person who played it safe, but so far all it had gotten her was into was a confusing situation. She had chosen the safe brother and ended up ruining it with her own risky decisions. In life, she had learned, without risk there are typically no rewards.
"I never wanted you to change. I just needed to know that you were there," She replied, hoping that he believed her. Most of all she needed to believe it herself.
"I'm here now," he said, taking her hand. He felt that she was being sincere but he still wondered if both of them really knew what they were getting into. In that moment he did not care to think about what the future might hold; he had her here now, and he was finished talking about what had happened in the past. "I want to get in bed with you, and I want to hold you, I want to feel your skin on me," he whispered, tracing her cheek with his thumb. He watched as her eyes closed and she appeared to visibly melt into his touch; as much as he loved having this effect on her, it wasn't time yet and he knew it. "But instead I'm going to sleep in your guest room, and we'll see how we feel about all of this in the morning."
Elena opened her eyes and let out a stifled groan of disapproval. "So this is my punishment?"
"No punishment," he laughed, standing up before he changed his mind, "Just taking it slow, remember?"
"Right," She sighed and stood up beside him. "Come on."
Elena walked past Damon visibly upset and out into the hallway. The light was still on downstairs but upstairs was eerily quiet. She tried to remain as silent as possible as she led Damon down the hall to the guest bedroom, hating that its exact location was right next door to the room Jenna slept in. She opened the door and turned the light on, hit with an abrupt memory of her mother's decorating technique. She smiled as she recalled teasing her mom about the blue checkered comforter.
"Welcome to your humble abode for the night," she gestured to the room with a swipe of her arm, still managing to convey to Damon her frustration with his choice of rooms.
He laughed as he watched her dignity crumble before him, once again relishing in the feeling he got out of having so much control of her emotions. It was selfish, he knew, but he couldn't deny the fact that he had been worried she felt this way about someone else; seeing that nothing had changed validated his reason for wanting to feel it all again. When all was said and done, he understood Elena's sudden desire to feel in control of someone else more than she would ever know. He could only hope that her desire was fleeting.
In some ways, standing here with Elena denying her the one thing he knew she wanted more than anything else in that moment felt a little like revenge; he had not considered that he ever wanted revenge in any way, but now that the situation had lent itself to a tiny morsel he couldn't help but feel a little more like the scales were evening out in his mind.
Still smiling, he grabbed her arm and pulled her towards him abruptly. He could feel her relax and when she finally returned a smile he kissed her deeply, partly for himself and partly to remind her what she had been missing. "Thank you for your hospitality, ma'am. This room will be just fine," he teased, still inches from her lips. When her eyes shot upwards in a glare that nearly made him laugh out loud he kissed her again quickly and said, "Happy birthday, Elena. Good night."
As he stepped away from her and motioned with his eyes towards the bedroom door Elena suddenly understood what was happening; although maybe this had not started out as punishment, it had escalated there quickly and it was certainly working. She wanted nothing more than to end her day in his arms, showing him how much she had missed him and wanting only to remember his touch and no one else's. Instead she mumbled good night and exited the room, closing the door behind her.
By the time she crawled into her own bed she knew she would not be able to shut down her brain; he was so close, yet still felt so far away and in some ways this feeling was worse than when he had been gone altogether. She needed him to give himself completely to her again and knowing that she would have to work for it felt suddenly like a challenge; but then again, she reminded herself, this was just one more reason the risky path is always more exciting.
...
In the morning Damon said goodbye to Elena as the sun rose and he snuck out unnoticed. Snow covered the ground and the roads were filled with slush so he made his way home very slowly, nostalgic at times about the way that he could still smell her perfume on his clothes. He considered whether or not he had made the right decision about sleeping in a different room, fighting a twinge of regret about the possible missed opportunity. In the end he decided he had done the right thing and that hopefully there would be plenty of other times to fall asleep beside her; there were more important things to work out in their relationship before sex got involved again. Telling others about their once secret romance, for example, would need to be tackled quickly.
The first battle was moments away; Damon knew this, and by the time he pulled into his driveway the high from the night before had left him and he was grounded again by the reality of what lay ahead. He entered the house hoping that Stefan would still be asleep, but something told him it would not be that easy.
Much to his dismay, his brother was standing in the kitchen as he entered, drinking a cup of coffee and looking at the contents of an envelope that lay on the counter before him. Damon knew it was best not to beat around the bush and he did not try to disguise the trepidation on his face as he greeted Stefan in the doorway of the kitchen. "Morning. You're up early," he said, not even bothering to smile.
Stefan looked up from the letter in his hand and the second he saw his brother's face his own expression fell at first to confusion, and then changed to one of bemused understanding. Without hesitation he said, "You were with her last night, weren't you?"
Damon could not believe how quickly his brother had picked up on his signals and he was quiet at first, considering the best way to approach the topic. He finally settled on a simple, "Yes," and continued to search his brother's face for some semblance of approval.
Instead Stefan simply shook his head, returning his attention to his letter and sipping casually on his steaming coffee. "So I guess this means you're moving back in," he said, his voice lacking any emotion.
Damon had not really considered that possibility yet, but now that Stefan brought it up it seemed rather obvious what the answer would be. "I guess it does," he replied quietly, still waiting for some reaction - any reaction from his brother.
"You'll have to remember to lock all the doors at night. I know you've never been good at that kind of thing. And the thermostat upstairs gets stuck, you have to turn it a certain way to get it to work. I'll show you before I leave," Stefan set his coffee down on the counter and folded the letter in his hand, stuffing it back inside the envelope.
"Leave?" Damon's eyes widened; this is not something he had prepared for. "Where are you going?"
Stefan looked at his brother as if the answer were obvious and he was bothered by the waste of a question. "I'm going to stay with Rick and Karen after graduation. I might be back after Christmas. I haven't decided yet."
Rick and Karen were the parents of the family that Stefan had spent his last few years in foster care with. They were incredible; picture perfect, and Damon never understood why Stefan ever left them to come with him to Mystic Falls in the first place. He could have gone to college; he could have really made something of his life, and as predicted Damon had only held him back. As much as he had wanted it for his brother then, things had changed since Stefan's eighteenth birthday and now this news felt more like betrayal than anything else ever could. He thought that he and his brother had grown closer after the accident; but now he finally understood that maybe what had happened with Elena really had forever changed the way they saw each other. Until this moment he had held on to hope that maybe this wasn't the case, but now it was clear. Stefan had lost all his faith in his older brother and he finally realized that he would be better off without him.
Stefan had obviously noticed the concern on Damon's face and he continued, "I just need to get away for a while. I'm not mad. But that doesn't make this any easier."
"You had already planned this," Damon observed out loud, "Before I even came home this morning and told you..."
Stefan laughed uneasily, "I planned this the second you told me you loved her. Love for a girl isn't something we can share, Damon. And she's already made her choice," with that Stefan exited the room, brushing against his brother's shoulder with his own as he passed. The contact between them served as a subtle reminder to both men that they had never been so far apart.