Chapter Thirty-Eight-O...M...F...G...
"But that intimacy of mutual embarrassment, in which each feels that the other is feeling something, having once existed,, its effect is not to be done away with."~ George Eliot
Author's Note: I know Ashley seems unbelievably obnoxious, but believe or not I used to be a lot like her a few years ago. Thankfully I have mellowed out a bit and now I am fit for society, lol. Hopefully Ashley will be, too. Oh, and this chapter is for Blackhope, since she tends to lean towards more outragious plot lines. Muah!
It was some time later and everyone's attention was now focused on the movie screen; well, almost everyone. Ashley and Zoey were conversing rather loudly, with Zoey playing an incredibly annoying game on her cellphone. The rest of the group, with the exception of Stella, were rather disgusted with their behavior and were doing their best to ignore them. Lila was distracting herself by nuzzling up to Spencer, basking in their intimacy. They were gently kissing each other on the lips and even rubbing noses.
Ashley and Zoey continued their irritating chatter, lost in their own juvenile little world. Zoey was laughing like a donkey on a crack binge, lost in the world of her game. Originally she'd only had a standard cellphone with nothing extra: not even a camera. Ashley decided to change that and bought her the latest model that had more bells and whistles than Zoey knew what to do with. Zoey was delighted with her new gift and it had scarcely left her hands since the day she received it.
For her part, Ashley was talking loudly to the screen, offering extensive commentary and explitives to the actors who thankfully could not hear her. Unfortunately, her companions could very much hear her and except for Zoey and Stella, they were disgusted and annoyed by her antics. Ashley leaned forward with keen interest as the masked killer lurked outside of the heroine's house. Everyone had originally planned to see a romantic comedy, but that movie had sold out. In fact, the only two movies that hadn't sold out were this and an animated flick.
And since no one wanted to sit amongst young children, especially with Ashley in the mix, they settled on this movie. The premise of the movie was that a young woman named Carrie witnessed a murder and needed to be placed in witness protection for her safety, as well as the safety of her young son, Cooper. As the villens snooped and murdered their way around the country trying to find her, Carrie was falling in love Detective Alex Johnson, the troubled officer entrusted with her safety.
At this point in the movie, Carrie had witnessed the murder and gone to the police. The officers didn't have a lead yet, so they sent Carrie home, with the promise of checking on her later. Ashley watched wide eyed, her mouth gaping open as the killer broke her window, with Carrie unaware.
"Where da fuck are the po-lease?" Ashley exclaimed, chewed chicken and gravy falling out of her mouth. "day said day was gonna check on her! Day betta hurry they asses up before that dude goes all Psycho on her ass!"
"I wish someone would go all Psycho on her ass," JJ whispered to Will, who nearby choked on his gatorade as he held back a laugh.
As Ashley prattled away, Spencer and Lila were oblivious to the events around them, lost in each other's embrace. Their kiss was deep, intense, their tongues resembling smakes during mating season. Lila moaned softly as Spencer moved his hand up her soft, smooth leg. Her legs naturally parted as his hand made its way between her leg. As he ran his finger along the thin material separating his appendage from her entrance, he moved his mouth to her ear.
"You are always so warm and wet for me," he whispered, giving her lobe a slight nip.
"That's because you have magical fingers, magic man," Lila whispered back, her hand sneaking up Spencer's shirt.
Spencer moaned and gave her that look that made her come in her pants every time. As their lips reunited, the killer found his way into Carrie's house and bombarded into the bathroom. He smashed open the shower door and Carrie let out a blood curling scream. Ashley was close behind her, letting out a noise so unnatural, unhuman, that it made Jamie Lee Curtis seem mute. To add to her theatrics, Ashley's fright caused her to jump back in her chair and her arms to fall over her head. The bucket of chicken she was holding projected the extra crispy, spicy poultry onto the poor, unsuspecting souls behind her.
"Holy motherfucking shit, dude! Did ya'll just fucking see that?" Ashley shouted, dropping the now empty bucket. "where da fuck are the po-lease yo?"
As if answering her question, the killer lurched forward, trying to stab Carrie with a large kitchen knife. Carrie scurried away, grabbing her robe in the process. As she ran for her life, she threw on the robe and tied it around her unnaturally small waist. The killer continued to chase her, wielding the knife. Carrie just barely missed him at every turn and with every movement and emphasis of background music, Ashley would jump back and scream.
Spencer and Lila were completely oblivious, lost in each other's sensual embrace. Emma, however, was terrified. Horror movies weren't exactly her idea of a good time, so she huddled into her chair, her arms wrapped around her legs. Her already fair complexion lost what little color it had and her entire body shook, as if she had been thrown into a blizzard after a cold shower.
Without a word, Hotch wrapped his arm around her shoulder. Emma could feel the hard, cold fear slowly thawing under Hotch's warm embrace and the air slowly returned to her lungs. She slowly sat back in her seat and rested her head on his shoulder. He moved his head towards hers and whispered something in her ear. Emma nodded and they both rose from their seats.
They silently exited the theater, both happy to spare themselves from the rest of the film, and from Ashley's antics. Carrie raced down her winding staircase, just barely out of her would-be killer's reach. As she frantically reached for the door handle, the killer swung his knife, puncturing her wrist. Carrie screamed in pain and terror before turning around and running back up the stairs. Ashley shot up from her seat, waving her arms frantically.
"Girl no, don't do that! You're supposed to run down the stairs, not up! Why didn't you run out da house when you had the chance fool?" she shouted.
"Wait, what's going on?" Zoey asked, finally tearing eyes away from her cellphone.
"A crazy assed killer just tried to Lizzy Borden her ass in da shower and dis crazy, stupid bitch runs up the stairs when she coulda up da stairs. I mean, what da fuck is wrong with her?"
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" the movie goer from earlier shouted. "why can't you just shut the fuck up?"
"Why don't you just mind your own fucking business!" Ashley retorted.
"I swear to God lady if you do not shut the hell up I am going to punch you in the face," the man shouted.
"And I'll punch you in the dick!" Ashley shouted back, flalling her arms about as she tried to make herself look tough. "do you wanna fight, fool, cuz I'll fight you? You wanna fight?"
"Come on bitches, let's kick this pussy's ass!" Ashley exclaimed, looking at Zoey, Lila, and Stella for reenforcements.
"I'm game," Zoey said, putting her phone in her purse before standing up.
"Li, Stell, are you in?" Ashley asked.
"Hmm?" Lila said, looking up at her sister. She had been so entranced with her wonderful husband that she honestly hadn't noticed her sister's antics.
"What's going on?" Stella asked. Unlike her mentally unstable friend, she was actually watching the movie.
"What's going on here is that you're gonna help me kick that punk's ass," Ashley said matter-of-factly.
"Why-what happened?" Stella asked.
"Does it matter?" Ashley demanded, her eyes blazing.
"Well, if I am going assault a total stranger, I would like to have some idea as to why I am doing it," Stella replied. Depending on the situation and her mood, she could either be the perfect compliment to Ashley's insanity or act like a normal person.
"This asshole is mouthing off to me and threatening to kick my ass and I ain't havin it! I am gangsta and sooo gonna kick his ass! Right Lila-aint we gangsta?" Ashley said, looking at her sister.
"Gangster? Ashley, we were born and raised in Connecticut," Lila replied, giving her sister an incredulous look.
"Lila, baby, please don't involve yourself-just stay out of it. Think of the baby," Spencer murmured in her ear.
"Believe me, Spence, I have absolutely no intention of getting involved in Ashley's craziness. The well being of our baby is far more important to me," Lila assured him.
"'The baby', 'the baby', 'the baby', you're always using your pregnancy as an excuse to get out of shit," Ashley complained.
"Ashley, I have only been pregnant for two and half weeks, so how have I always used my pregnancy to get out of anything? 'Always' is defined by the Oxford English Dictionary as..."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Some help you are, Lila. You're never there for me when I need you," Ashley hissed.
"Yes, well, forgive me for not wanting to engage in fistacuffs during the first trimester of my pregnancy," Lila retorted.
"Does this mean you'll engage in fistacuffs in your second trimester?" Ashley asked, rubbing her hands together excitedly.
Lila raised her eyebrows, so Ashley continued. "What about the third?"
"How about you just shut the fuck up and sit your fat ass down?" the angry movie goer screamed.
"Why don't you shut the fuck up before my sister and whoop your ass?" Ashley said, pulling Lila to her feet. Lila looked nervously at the movie goer, who was frankly a tad surprised. He wasn't expecting this vulgar creature's sister to be so lovely.
"That is your sister?" he asked, the shock in his voice.
"Half sister," Stella added, looking over her shoulder to look at him.
"Stella, do yourself a favor and stay out of it," Gideon said to her.
Stella decided to take his advice to heart and returned her focus back to the movie. The moviegoer looked from Stella to Lila and Ashley again. Spencer reached up and pulled Lila back into her seat, wanting to get his wife out of the crossfire.
"Yeah, it's true," Ashley explained to her nemesis. "same father, different mothers because my father fucked my mother while still technically married to Lila's mom. It's okay though, because Lila's mom is a psychotic bitch. She's like a cross between Hitler and Curella de Ville."
The moviegoer looked at Lila with interest and she shrugged. "Well, my mother is an anti semetic who hates puppies, so that is an apt description," Lila conceeded.
"Yeah, totally, so my dad fucked my mom on his desk at work after drinking two bottles of wine and boda bing, boda boom, nine months later she pushed out of her clasloppus."
"Isn't that...interesting," the movie goer's wife replied.
"Totally," Ashley replied. Then she removed her earrings and threw them at Lila.
"Here girl, hold my earrings," she said.
"Umm, okay," Lila said, looking at her sister like the lunatic she was.
"I'm going to kick her ass Sharon, I really am," the movie goer insisted to his wife.
"Hold my shoes!" Ashley added, ripping off her shoes and plopping them onto Lila's lap.
"Why do you need to take your shoe off to fight?" Lila asked, flicking the tacky attire off of her lap. She knew she should listen to Spencer and stay out of it, but she couldn't help herself.
"Cuz that's what you do, girl. That's how gangstas role," Ashley replied, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Then she looked over at Spencer.
"Well?" she demanded.
"Well what?" he asked.
"Aren't you going to take your fingers out of my sister's pussy and help me?"
"The origin of my fingers is none of your concern, and no, I am not going to help you. If you are as 'gangsta' as you profess to be, I think you will fare just fine," Spencer said coldly, turning his attention back to the movie.
"Great answer, babe," Lila whispered, kissing his cheek.
Spencer smiled and blushed, holding her close.
The movie goer and his wife were engaged in a heated discussion before she grabbed him by the shirt collar and forced him to the last row of the theater. Ashley grinned triumphently and plopped back into her seat.
"I guess I showed him," she said, grinning widely at Zoey, with whom she exchanged an enthusiastic high five. Ashley offered her palm to everyone else, but only Stella and Kevin took her up on her offer. Everyone else just gave her looks of disgust, relieved that she had finally shut up. Suddenly, Zoey stood up, causing the rest of the theater to groan.
"Damn man, that KFC is about to explode right out of me. Wanna go to the bathroom with me?" she asked Ashley.
"You know, that's probably a good idea. It's only a matter of time before I have to shit anyway. Gotta make room for dinner afterall," Ashley replied. She rose from her seat and tapped Lila on the shoulder.
"What?" Lila demanded, her patience on its last knub.
"Zo and I have to take a shit."
"I'll alert the media," Lila said dryly. She looked over at JJ.
"Did you hear that, JJ?" she asked.
"I will fill Emma in on the details over dinner," JJ replied, not missing a beat.
"She's probably being fucked up the ass by Hotch in the lobby," Zoey replied.
"Naw, he's too up tight for ass fucking," Ashley replied. "that would be a kick ass sight though."
She looked back at Lila in one last effort to coax her to the ladies' room, but the glares coming from both her and Spencer made her think better of it. She threw on her shoes and followed Zoey out of the aisle, towards the door. As they walked, both ladies were deep in discussion over Emma and Hotch's supposed sexual encounter. Morgan looked over his shoulder, eyeing the movie patrons behind him. He wanted to make sure Ashley's antics hadn't offended anyone to the point of taking action. All appeared to be well and he turned his attention back to the movie.
With Insane and Asylum momentary out of the picture, their mortified companions and the rest of the movie goers let out a collective sigh of relief, relishing the newfound peace. Soon, every turned their attention back to the movie and tried to pretend the earlier events had never happened.