This chapter is a little longer than the last one. A huge thank you to my lovely beta ElCapitan18 who has the patience to correct my mistakes and help me improve my writing. Thanks to the lovely Elissa Theirin and Endrius for the lovely reviews! As always, please let me know what you think!
The Normandy. It was good to be back. As much as she enjoyed shore leave, she missed her ship, her home. She missed the people she worked with, the hum of engines that lulled her into sleep and the terrible taste of the coffee. She missed to see the dark, empty space and the shining stars whenever she looked out of the bridge. She let out a long breath as she stared at the data pad in her hands.
Despite the comfort being back on her ship, it wasn't enough to stop the anxiety that crept up her spine and burrowed into her throbbing head. Things with the Council didn't go as well as she hoped they would, and it was partially to blame for the headaches. The other reason was the Reapers.
While she was out here in the Terminus system hunting down the geth, the Reapers were getting closer and closer. She tried to find her way without the Councils help, but that road led to a dead end. Without the Council's support the entire galaxy was vulnerable to these anciet machines. Anderson was right; they would have to play by the Councils rules for now. Nothing made her more frustrated than that thought.
She let out another long sigh and brought the mug of warm coffee to her lips. She lost track of time, and only just noticed that the mess was empty; so she guessed it was late. Turning her attention once again to the data pad in her hand, she went through the information about the next planet they were heading to, Alchera.
A few Alliance ships went missing there and the Alliance suspected that the geth were behind it. Groaning she put the data pad down, a little more roughly than intended, and pressed her forefingers into her eyes. She was fighting geth, geth! They weren't even the real threat but nobody seemed to give a damn about it.
The Council's ignorance kept her awake at night. The situation was wearing her out. She was unable to shut down her mind so she could grab a few hours of sleep. Questions that she was unable to ignore haunted her mind and the lack of answers scared her.
She momentarily thought of using the pills to get a good night's sleep, to shut out those haunting thoughts; but she promised Kaidan she would stop using them, and her promise was reason enough to stay away from them. It was hard, she had to admit, but she made it somehow. Probably because Kaidan threw away every bottle of pills in her possession.
Another thing that bothered her was the electro-convulsive therapy she had scheduled for next week at Doctor Michel's clinic. She didn't know what would happen after she received the treatment; she could only hope for a quick recovery because everyone needed her at a hundred percent, and the last thing she needed was someone finding out about her dark secret. Kaidan knew her secret and that was enough.
Her meandering thoughts were silenced by someone suddenly sitting down in front of her, but she was too wrapped up in her thoughts to acknowledge whoever joined her on the table. A moment of silence passed and Jane had to suppress the groan that threatened to slip away from her lips at the persistence of the person sitting in front of her. All she wanted was to be alone, to have a few moments for herself and not be bothered by the problems of the galaxy. But whoever was seated down in front of her wouldn't leave her in peace.
"Jane," the deep and husky tenor of his voice melted her annoyance away and brought a tiny smile to her face. Jane lowered the data pad and was happy to see Kaidan sitting in front of her with a mug of tea, relieved that his voice wasn't just the product of her illness.
"Sorry, did I wake you up with the coffee machine?" She'd tried to be silent while operating the blasted machine, but Kaidan could be a light sleeper some nights.
Kaidan shook his head and sent her a warm smile. "No, I can't sleep. Too much on my mind, I guess." He took a sip from his own tea.
Her features tensed with worry, "You okay?" she asked, giving him all of her attention.
Kaidan put the mug back on the table and cupped it with his hands. His eyes fell on the contents of the mug, his features becoming distant and his brows furrowed a little in deep thought. Jane didn't need to know what he was thinking to guess that something was troubling him.
"Yeah, I was just thinking," he finally spoke after the silence grew too thick. Shifting a bit in his seat, uncomfortable by the intensity of her impatient gaze, he decided to complete his sentence. "We did everything we could... right?"
She watched him as she let the weight of his sentence settle in. She was asking herself the same thing, and decided to tell him the same thing she was trying to convince herself. "Everything we could, and we did everything right." She tried to banish that worry from his face; it didn't look right on his handsome features.
Kaidan lifted his face and fixed his eyes on hers, "So why is the Council trying to stomp down everything you did?"
Because they're stupid assholes, she almost let the words slip out of her mouth. She sighed as she leaned her elbows on the table, trying to find a suitable answer for his question that would make him stop worrying. "They're afraid to see the Reapers as real. They don't want to believe that their existence is threatened by some ancient race of sentient machines, so they're ignoring it and everything related to it."
"Including you," he whispered, his voice showing the pain he felt by the truth of this statement.
Her shoulders slumped down as she sighed in defeat. "Including me. And you. And the crew." She admitted, feeling a large burden be taken from her shoulders with that statement. She knew that Kaidan was on her side supporting her, but she would never get tired of hearing it, again and again.
Kaidan reached out his hand and placed it on hers across the table. She smiled at the small gesture and finally lifted her head to meet his gaze. "We'll find a way Shepard." The smile he sent her was genuine and kind, banishing all the traces of worry she had seen earlier on his face.
"I know. It's sometimes hard to believe it." She placed her other hand on his as she shook her head a little, to focus completely on Kaidan.
"Don't worry, I'll be there to remind you," Kaidan reassured her. She chuckled as he placed his other hand on hers. "How are you?" he asked. Jane understood the cue that he wanted to change the subject.
"Good, just a little restless."
"Don't worry so much, Shepard. We'll have the Councils attention soon enough."
She smiled weakly as she averted her gaze to their joined hands. "Yeah... I just hope it won't take another Reaper to finally make them see."
"When did you become so cynical?" asked Kaidan with a upest note in his voice. Jane shifted in her seat, letting the silence win over her words. In truth, she was so tired of the Council and their disbelief that she really hoped a tiny, baby Reaper would attack them. She was so sick of them.
"Jane... did you sleep at all?" Kaidan's worry filled voice broke her thoughts and she met his eyes again. Something she saw in them made her unable to lie, and the truth poured out of her mouth like water from a faucet.
"Yesterday? No. I didn't sleep."
Sighing, Kaidan squeezed her hands a little as he bore his concerned gaze into her. "Is it the nightmares?"
"Yes," she admitted, and found that it was much easier to speak the truth than to lie. "I close my eyes and... see the rotten corners of the street. I can hear people walking past me, ignoring me. Hell I can even smell the food coming out of the nearby restaurant." She shook her head and smiled bitterly at the memory of Ezio's Hut, the place that had served magnificent Italian food. Jane wondered if the place was still open.
"I'm sorry," the concern in his voice matched the one in his gaze.
Shepard smiled weakly and dismissed his worry with a wave of her hand. "It's fine. It's part of my life and I have to... start forgetting about it."
"But that shaped you to the woman you are today," to the questioning look she sent him, he gave her a warm smile and continued. "To the brave, strong and amazing Commander Shepard. The First human Spectre, and the woman I love."
"Yeah... I guess you're right," she said sheepishly as she lowered her head, blushing hard at the intensity of his gaze.
"Hey," he called her softly, and when her eyes met his she was greeted with a warm, honest smile. His gaze lingered on hers for a while, making her forget the troubles around them. Jane found comfort in those dark brown depths. A while had passed and she blinked a few times as he suddenly stood up.
She watched him as he stopped and turned to her, leaning his rear on the table. "Kaidan?"
He reached his hand out for her, waiting for her to take it. Jane stood up and walked around the table before she took his inviting hand. He pulled her body against his and Jane could feel the alluring warmth he was radiating. Her body immediately responded to his as she wrapped her arms around his neck.
"I love you," he whispered before bringing his lips to hers. Her heart jumped up to her throat at his words, too wrapped up in the kiss to even realize she wasn't breathing.
When they both pulled away in need of air, he leaned his forehead against hers and they both tried to bring their breathing back to normal.
"Feeling better?" He whispered against her lips, earning a low chuckle from her.
"Mmm, much better. You know exactly how to cheer me up."
Instead of replying he pulled away a little, just so he could gaze into her eyes. His eyes were filled with the love he felt for her, and Jane wondered not for the first time in her life what she did to deserve someone like him. "I want to give you something."
Taken aback by his statement, she had to blink a few times before she found her voice to speak. "There's no need to, Kaidan. I have you and that's all I really need."
He allowed a playful smirk to twist his lips as he answered, "Charming, but still... I want you to have it."
His hands came up to his neck and grabbed the silver necklace that he always wore. He pulled it over his head, the metal clinging with the effort as Jane recognized what he was holding. The metal of his dog tags clashed with a tiny cross that was also connected to the necklace. Jane's eyes widened in surprise as he put the silver necklace around her neck, readjusting it around her collar so that it fell over her covered cleveage.
"Kaidan," she whispered. The metal was still warm from his heat as she held it between her fingers. Her gaze wandered from the tiny cross to his eyes.
Kaidan recognized the question in her eyes and spoke before she could ask. "I'm not religious, but my mom told me that it wouldn't hurt to carry one of these with me. I want you to have it."
"Kaidan I can't accept it," her voice was a whisper, the words intended only for him as she stared down at the small metal piece in her hand. Jane knew what it meant for a soldier to give his dog tags away; it proved that he ultimately trusted her.
"I insist," he cupped her face and brought her gaze back to his as he continued. "I want you to have a piece of me with you if, God forbid, something happens to you. So that when someone finds you and sees our dog tags, they can say 'she wasn't alone, someone cared for her'."
"My God Kaidan, where did that come from?" she asked, baffled by the intensity of his statement.
"I don't know," he said, his eyes showing the uneasiness he felt, his voice giving away his sadness. "I just- take it. And carry it with you. Please."
Jane gave him a faint smile as she hid his gift under her shirt, tucking his dog tags close to her heart. "Always. Thank you, Kaidan."
Smiling, he lowered his hands to her waist and nodded once before speaking, "Right. I have to get down to the engineering. Grab my gear and prepare for the mission."
Jane chuckled lowly as she placed a quick kiss to his lips. "Right. I love you."
Kaidan answered by giving her a deep, passionate kiss. He poured all love he felt for her into that kiss. The way he held her, kissed her and talked to her... Jane couldn't help but feel that something was severely bothering him, but she wouldn't press the matter. He would open up to her, like he always did.
She stepped away reluctantly and smiled as he stepped away from the table, sending her another warm smile before he disappeared into the elevator to the engineering. She kept watching the path he walked before she shook her head, breaking her deep thoughts. She had to prepare as well, and standing here thinking about Kaidan wouldn't help her much.
####
With a groan he closed his locker a little more forceful than necessary before letting his forehead rest against the cool metal. Kaidan wanted to beat his head against the locker door until he got rid of this anxiety. He didn't know what was wrong with him, but he couldn't shake this creeping, yawning anxiety that engulfed him since yesterday.
Something is wrong, something is about to happen, his mind kept repeating countless times before it almost drove him to the brink of insanity. He closed his eyes as he kept his forehead on the locker door, the cold metal easing the slowly emerging headache. His hands were on his gear that rested on his lap, he was aware of Garrus and Wrex standing near the mako preparing it for the next drop. He was also aware of the curious and questioning glances they were pointing into his back. Even when his mind repeated that he looked like a fool kneeling there in front of his locker, he couldn't bring himself to move.
His mind was spinning, his heart racing inside of his ribcage as he forced his breathing to be as normal as possible. He tried to come up with a reason why he felt that way, but whatever he thought of couldn't explain for the anxiety that clouded over him. He reached up for his dog tags to run his fingers along the tiny cross like he usually did only to remember that he gave it to Jane. He wondered if he was this anxious because he didn't have his dog tags with him for the first time in years.
Probably, he thought as he stood up, letting out a sharp sigh.
"Kaidan?" he spun around as he felt someone's hand on his shoulder. He realized it was Garrus who shook him backfrom his thoughts. His steel-blue gaze lingered on him as he spoke, "Is everything alright?"
Kaidan nodded hastily and forced a smile to his face. "Yeah, I was just thinking."
Garrus' mandibles twitched as he shook his head, "Even without subharmonics I can tell you're lying, Kaidan Alenko." He finished his sentence with a teasing smirk.
Kaidan's smile became distant as he lowered his head with a sigh. Garrus came to stand next to him, both now observing Wrex as he did his work around the mako. "Seriously now; what's wrong?"
Kaidan let out an exasperated sigh as he leaned his hip on the weapon table behind him, still watching Wrex as he struggled to change a few parts on the mako. "I don't know. I have this feeling that tells me that something's not right."
"You have a bad feeling about something?"
Kaidan lowered his head as Garrus voiced what Kaidan was thinking the whole time. Swallowing hard, he decided to finally admit what he feared. "Yeah... I feel like something bad is about to happen."
"And by that, you don't mean the Reapers?"
Kaidan met his gaze once again and with a small shake of his head he added, "No... I don't mean the Reapers. And thats... terrifying me."
The silence stretched between them, Kaidan could feel his heartbeat increasing with the ever growing anxiety that he desperatelywanted to disappear. But no matter what he did or who he talked to, the anxious feeling remained.
"I'm sure after a goodnight's rest that you'll be back to normal."
Kaidan smiled bitterly at that, but decided to drop the matter. He didn't feel like talking to Garrus about it, anyway. "Yeah... you're probably right."
Garrus gave him a strong pat on his shoulder before he turned and went back to an annoying Wrex. Kaidan watched the two work on the mako as he considered Garrus' advice. Maybe he would feel better after a goodnight's sleep. Now that he thought of it he hadn't slept well since stepping back onto the Normandy. Sighing, he shook his head and decided to put on his armor when suddenly Jokers voice rang through the intercom.
"Brace for evasive maneuvers!" And then it happened; the ship shook violently under their feet, knocking everything down from the weapons table and the nearby shelves.
Kaidan glanced around in horror, thinking that the worst was over and that they just entered a turbulence field, but his hopes were crushed when the ship shook again, this time more forcefully. He practically jumped in into his armour before running towards Garrus and Wrex who were knocked down. He helped them up when a nearby explosion nearly knocked them all back to the ground.
"We're fine," shouted Garrus, "go get Shepard!"
Kaidan's heart jumped up to his throat. He had to look for Shepard; he had to see if she was alright. He nodded sharply before he spun around and ran towards the elevator. Stepping in, he immediately pushed the button to the crew deck and cursed that even in times like these, the elevator just wouldn't speed up. The ship shook more and more with every minute that passed, deepening the sinkhole of worry in the pit of Kaidan's gut.
Once the doors to the crew deck opened, horror overwhelmed him; explosions were happening all around the mess, the crew was running around extinguishing the fire and saving what could be saved.
Shepard, I need to find Shepard, Kaidan kicked himself mentally as he stood there longer than intended. He passed the large table at the center of the room. His memory supplied him with images of the time he spent here with his friends.
No, it's not over yet.
He ran down the hall, pushing everyone he ran into aside as he caught the silhouette of someone standing at the far end of the sleeper pods. His heart leapt into his throat as he recognized the familiar armor and familiar red hair as she put her helmet on.
"Shepard!" he shouted as she launched the distress beacon.
Once she was done, she turned to him locking her gaze briefly with his before grabbing the nearby fire extinguisher. For just this second, Kaidan caught the distressed look in her eyes, even through her helmet.
"Distress beacon is launched. The Alliance will get here in time!" she answered the question before he could even ask it.
Taking the other fire extinguisher from the wall, he spoke, "Joker won't leave the ship, he's still in the cockpit. I'm not leaving either."
She spun around to face him, her deep blue eyes narrowed in anger. "Leave Joker to me! Go ahead and evacuate the crew!"
He felt like his heart just stopped beating. "What?!"
Whipping back around to him, she shouted, "Get the hell out of here and evacuate the crew!"
He stared completely dumbfounded at her for a second before the full magnitude of her words hit him. He shook his head and resumed extinguishing the fire as if she didn't say anything. In truth, he couldn't leave; something wouldn't let him. "Kaidan, go!"
He heard the note of fear in her voice as he felt her gaze on him. He spun around to meet her gaze, his voice ringing with determination and stubbornness. "I'm NOT leaving, Shepard!" He shouted back, wanting nothing else but to close this argument so they could save Joker together. But from the look in her eyes, he knew this argument was far from over.
She grabbed him by his collar and pulled him face to face to her. Kaidan couldn't remember the last time she looked this angry. Or this afraid. "Damn it! I gave you an order lieutenant!" She roughly released him and stepped away to continue with extinguishing the nearby flames.
Kaidan didn't do anything but watch her for a while, shutting out everything that was happening around them. The sounds of explosions became muffled as did the shouting voices of the crew. Kaidan watched the woman he loved fight against the flames. The marine inside of him screamed at him to follow her order, but the lover inside just wouldn't let him leave her. His heartbeat was so loud he thought she could hear it over the explosions. Finally, after what felt like hours of musing as he watched her precise movements, he allowed one side of his mind to win.
Please God let her be safe.
"Aye aye... Commander," his voice was bitter and pained not just because she pulled rank on him, but because the anxiety that was clouding over him the past couple of days had finally come true.
Sparring her one last look he spun around and ran away to gather whoever was left of the crew. Everything started to explode and collapse around him as he made his way to the closest escape pod, making sure to help whoever needed help. As the crew filled the escaped pods, he turned one last time around to glance at the Normandy, at their home. Memories of the beautiful days he spent here invaded his mind before he finally dragged himself into the escape pod.
He sat down and before the doors closed behind him he spotted Jane running towards the bridge. His heart kept hammering at the sight. He could only hope that she would be okay, and that she'd return safely in his arms again.
####
Death is always on the way, but the fact that you don't know when it will arrive seems to take away from the finiteness of life. It's that terrible precision that we hate so much. But because we don't know, we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well. Yet everything happens a certain number of times, and a very small number, really. How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood, some afternoon that's so deeply a part of your being that you can't even conceive of your life without it? Perhaps four or five times more. Perhaps not even. How many more times will you watch the fullmoon rise? Perhaps twenty. And yet it all seems limitless.
With a sigh, Chris closed the book and rubbed his sore eyes. He glanced at the cover and let a smile stretch the corners of his lips. It was the book he received from Jane a few days ago, and he had to admit that he loved it. He wondered how she knew that he never had the chance to read The Sheltering Sky, maybe she chose the book purely by instinct, or maybe she just guessed. Either way, Chris felt his sister knew him better than he knew himself even though they hadn't spent a lot of time time together.
He put the book gently on the end table before he turned to look out the window. He wondered where his sister was right now, musing about the adventures and gunfight's she must be dealing with at the moment. He fell back into the bed and thought about her crew, the people she was working with and called friends.
He remembered how enthusiastically she talked about them and her ship, how proud she was to call the Normandy hers. He also caught the tiny blush that spread on her cheeks when she talked about a certain lieutenant that served under her, Kaidan was his name. He wondered if he was the same man who came with her the first time. Chris chuckled to himself, my sister has a crush, he thought, making a mental note to tease her the next time she visited him.
"Chris?" his mother's gentle voice eased into his ears as she peeked through the gap in the door. Chris gave her a smile, showing her she could enter. She held a tiny box of chocolates and Chris immediately felt his mouth water. "Are you done with reading?"
"For now," he accepted the tiny chocolate box from his mother as she sat down on the chair next to him. "This book is quite interesting."
She took the book from the end table and she inspected the cover. "Who gave it to you?"
Chris chewed on the piece of chocolate in his mouth and mused about his answer. When his mother sent him a questioning look he averted his gaze to the box of chocolate in his hand and muttered out his answer, hoping she wouldn't understand him. "Jane gave it to me."
In an instant, she released the book from her grasp, creating a loud noise that startled him. Chris looked shocked at his mother as he swallowed the chocolate in his mouth. A moment of silence passed between them as his mother fidgeted in her seat, looking nervously around the room avoiding his gaze. Her hands shook as if she just touched a cursed object. "It's just a book mom."
She looked at him, the shock still written across her face as she struggled with something to say. Noticing the growing tension in the room he decided to change the subject. "Where's dad?"
"He has a conference, he'll be back by tonight."
Chris nodded, and after a moment the box of chocolate was empty. He spared his mother a few sideways glances, seeing the distant and frightful look on her face. He wondered what she was thinking about, but he guessed that she wouldn't tell him even if he asked. He put the box away and took the book again, forwarding to the page he'd read last.
Suddenly a knock erupted on the door and his mother stood up to see who it was. "This must be dad," she said before grabbing the door handle and opening the door. In the doorway appeared a tall, dark figure who was dressed in casual Alliance clothes. Chris' smile widened as he put the book back down on the end table as the tall figure stepped into the room.
"Captain Anderson, sir," Chris saluted, his face gleaming with enthusiasm and joy.
Anderson sent the boy a weak smile as Vivienne closed the door behind him. "At ease, son," answered David, amused to see the boy in good health. He took the chair across the room and pulled it close to the bed before sitting down on it. He glanced at the book before he took it, inspecting the cover as he let his smile stretch. "The Sheltering Sky by Paul Bowles."
"You've read the book, sir?" David put the book back before giving his entire focus to Chris.
"I have, a while ago. But that's probably just some warm up literature to you before passing on to the hard stuff."
"Maybe," Chris answered sheepishly, lowering his face a little as a blush colored his cheeks. The sight made David chuckle softly.
"Is something wrong, Captain?" David glanced back at Vivienne, catching the distressed and worried look in her blue eyes. "Is - is Jane coming to visit? Should I leave?"
Chris watched a dark shadow fall over the Captains features. He wondered why. "No, Shepard won't be visiting any time soon," his voice was pained and low when he spoke. Again, Chris wondered what killed the Captain's mood.
"You always call her Shepard," Chris asked and that earned him David's attention. "Why?"
David readjusted in his seat as he let a weak smile appear on his face. "It's just typical military jargon. Every soldier in the Alliance is called by their last name."
Chris chuckled as he shook his head, musing how annoying it must've been for her to be known as Shepard. What girl would want to be called Shepard the entire time? he wondered.
"Anyway, I came here with news." Chris turned his attention back to David and immediately caught the exhausted and sad look on his face. The silence stretched uncomfortably in the room, making Chris fidget on his bed. He didn't like the look on David's face. He was glad when the old man finally spoke.
"We caught a distress call a couple of days ago. The ship was attacked by an unknown enemy outside Alchera's atmosphere. The Alliance collected the escape pods as soon as possible, most of the crew made it, only a few died."
Another short silence fell into the room. Chris could have sworn he felt a cold chill running down his spine as the uneasy feeling settled in his gut. "I don't understand-" started Vivienne, trying to make sense of the things David just told them.
"The ship that sent the distress call..." from the look David pointed at him, Chris feared he knew what he was going to say. And how this conversation might end. "was the Normandy."
Chris blinked back bitter tears as the Captain's news knocked the air out of his lungs. "Where is Jane?"
David watched him for a long time, his gaze sympathetic and sad. Chris knew the answer from the look David was giving him. He blinked a few times and the silent tears fell freely down his face. David placed a comforting hand on Christopher's knee as he said, "I'm sorry."
Vivienne gaped at the older man as her tears fell as well. "You - you mean?"
Anderson turned his attention to the older woman. "I'm sorry, ma'am. She died during the attack on the Normandy."
Chris shut his eyes tightly and grabbed fitfuls of the sheet that covered him as the few memories he had of Jane flashed before his closed lids. He could hear his mother sobbing as he fought with his own sobs. "This isn't fair," he said, his voice hoarse and breaking.
David gently squeezed his knee as he spoke, "I know. I'm sorry. But you need to be strong now. All of you."
A heartwrenching sob tore through Chris as he dug the heels of his palms into his eyes. He felt as if a limb had been torn off of him as the shock slowly settled in. Jane was dead. The great Commander Shepard, the Saviour of the Citadel, his sister, died on her own ship. What a cruel fate. He could hear someone's sobs echoing in the room but quickly realized that they were his own. His body shuddered with every sob he let out as his mind processed what he just heard.
"This isn't fair!" he shouted as he turned his gaze to Anderson. "She wasn't supposed to die! I just met her!"
There was little more Anderson could do than lower his head and fight back his own tears as Chris' painful sobs filled the room. The door to his room opened again and in came his father, Marcus. Anderson stood up and gave the man a pointed look as he stared confused at the scene before him. Marcus came next to his wife and sat down as she leaned her head on his shoulder. "Vivienne, what happened?"
"I'll leave you alone," said Anderson before he made his way out of the room, not able to suppress his own tears anymore. Chris watched him leave and he wanted nothing else but to follow the man that had spent so much time with his sister, to hear the stories she didn't have the chance to tell. But he knew that leaving now would do none of them any good. He saw the tears in Anderson's eyes, he knew how much Jane's death pained him.
Taking a deep, cleansing breath, he steeled his nerves and lowered his cried as he turned to his confusing father. He swallowed hard as he watched his mother crying, unable to voice what just happened. "Dad," started Chris before taking a deep breath, "something happened…"
This would be the hardest conversation of his life. He still couldn't believe that his older sister, his Janey, was dead.