Lord Won't You Give Me Strength to Make It Through Somehow?
Warning: Very angsty and emotional chapter
Most days, Sam just wanted to lock herself in her room and cry. The only thing that got her out of bed was the boys. Whenever Michael was at school, she would just cling to Matthew. He was only two and didn't really understand what was going on, but he could sense the sadness.
Austin got locked in to his work. Although he didn't often show it outwardly, and never in public, he was having deep pain of his own. But when he saw that Sam was falling apart, he figured he had to be strong for the family.
Michael started having some behavioral issues at school, and would often act out a lot more than he normally did. Sam and Austin never punished him too harshly when this happened, though, as they knew this was the result of his own grieving and the only way he could express it, at his young age.
One day at the end of March, Michael came home from school with a lot of papers to show Sam and Austin.
"Daddy, do you want to read this?" he asked.
"Sure, Michael," said Austin. It was a paper Michael had written for class.
"We had to write about something important in our lives," Michael added.
Austin sat down and read:
"My Sister Caroline, by Michael Ames
Two months ago, my mommy had a baby. Her name was Caroline. We were all so happy, but also very scared. She was born too early and was very small, much smaller than any baby I have ever seen. Even my brother Matthew. Caroline lived for four days and then went to heaven. It was very sad for all of us. I miss her. We all miss her. We miss her because we loved her very much. I think Caroline was very brave for being able to live four days when she was so tiny. I love you, Caroline. Your brother Michael."
"Michael, this is...this is pretty amazing for a kid your age," said Austin.
"I also have this," said Michael, getting out a drawing.
"Is this us?" Austin asked. Michael nodded. "So that's you, me, Mommy and Matthew all smiling and holding hands?"
"Yes," said Michael.
"And the butterfly up in the sky would be...?"
"Caroline," said Michael.
Matthew then walked up and saw Michael's drawing. "Butterfly," he said, pointing to it.
"Yes. Mommy told me that Caroline's spirit is like the butterfly, flying free in heaven.
Sam continued to become more withdrawn, though. She managed to rally enough for Michael's seventh birthday in May, and she and Austin managed to have some semblance of a five-year wedding anniversary celebration, but she was falling apart. Austin was becoming more and more worried about her. In the middle of August, he saw her at one of her lowest points.
"Sam?" he asked.
"Austin, just go," she said.
"Sam, look at me. I know you're hurting. But the boys need you. I need you. We may have lost Caroline, but I don't want to lose you, too."
Sam turned around. Austin had never seen her this broken before. "The boys need their mom back," Austin continued.
"They're the only thing that even gets me out of bed right now," Sam said.
"I know," said Austin. "But they need the real you back. This is not the real you."
Sam just continued weeping.
"I think we need to take a trip back home," said Austin. "Go see my dad."
"Okay," said Sam, through her tears.