Chapter Thirty Six: Series of Breaths

Tris' POV

It is not my intention to be mean but I jump down from the table, bypassing Tobias. I walk back and forth in the training room with palms rubbing each other to somehow lessen my anxiety. But it doesn't work. I can feel his eyes on me; that he finds this bizarre and he couldn't understand me. I couldn't understand this either. I don't want him to think that I ruined our moment for no specific reason. I don't want to make him feel bad.

After a minute of not talking, he finally approaches me and holds me on both shoulders. I stop my vacillating actions and stand short in front him. His eyes scream concern yet at the same time, confusion. As much as I want to look away so this won't be that hard for me, I cannot even do so. By now, I am being selfish. This seems like I don't care about what he feels; that he wants to know what is going on.

But he doesn't nag about it. His touch remains on my shoulders, his eyes stayed locked on mine, and then, with a usual voice, he asks me, "What's bothering you?"

His palms are warm contrary to my skin, making me relax by some means. I moisten my lips and I figured that his taste is still there but that is not where my mind is on focus. My focus is on how I'm going to tell him about the truth.

"Tobias…" I try to make my voice function steadily, even just on the mention of his name. "You have to know something about me."

If he is thinking that this is strange, I would say yes, it is. Maybe he wonders why did I choose to ruin our moment together just to pace back and forth and end up telling him that he has to know something about me. Can't she just say it some other time? He might be saying in his mind. And how possible was it that she thought of speaking up while we were in the midst of some romance?

"Please don't think that I don't trust you." I beseech. "Because I do. But I won't let this thing stay inside of me for much longer. I don't want you to think otherwise every time we… every time we… we touch." Even the word itself cannot be verbalized right ahead. "So I arrived to the decision of… of letting you in of my… my fear landscape."

Tobias has trusted me in two ways when he was the one whom he gave permission to witness his fears. His past was terrible that is why he was cautious of the people he allows inside his fear landscape. He doesn't want to pick people who would end up judging him anyway. And as much as I believed that he met a girl back in Abnegation whom he's sure he trusts, it still turned out that I'm the only one whom he felt comfortable to face his fears with. I am the person that he's sure he trusts and he is the same thing with me.

"I would do this because I want you to know me more. I don't like hiding anything such as my fear landscape when I'm sure that you won't see me differently afterwards."

"Of course I won't," he's defensive but in a good way. "When you were the one who entered mine, you didn't give me that look of judgment. And Tris, you won't let me in of yours just to hear me say anything foul once I've found out about it. They are your fears and I suppose there are reasons why you are scared of them."

With his hands remaining soothing on my shoulders, he continues. "I'm glad you trust me about this, Tris."

Taking him by surprise, I instantly push myself towards him to bury my face on his chest. His hands wrap around me as mine wraps around his waist. He combs my hair with his fingers, an act that tells me he does understand. Once I tighten my hold on his waist, he does the same, but much tighter than what I did. I allow myself to stay encased on his arms for a longer while but soon, I knew I would have to bring him inside my fear landscape already.

The last time I went inside it, I was alone. But now, not anymore.

Xxxx

I wait for Tobias at the Pire as he fetches the black small box where the syringes we'd use are. In less than ten minutes, he has come back with the item. He gives me a knowing look before he hands it to me. I am sure about this; I am sure about letting him in. There is no turning back and he has to know—he has to see. When I remove the lid of the box, there are two syringes waiting to be picked up. I am not hesitant once I insert my hand to reach for the first syringe.

I handed the syringe to Tobias. He steps closer to me to brush my hair gradually that reveals my neck, and regulates the tip of the syringe to the injection area. I haven't countdown to one yet when he pushes the plunger; the feeling is mutual and less aching for this is, I think, somehow similar when you're being branded with a tattoo. The serum releases inside me, then. Tobias deposits the empty syringe back into the box and his hand reappears with the second syringe.

"Your turn," he says.

I take the syringe from him and he purposely inclines his head for I can't attain his height. Just like what he did, I align the tip of the syringe to the side of his neck, the target. I slowly push the plunger down and that is when the serum begins to spread over his nerves. Once we're both ready, I put the syringe back inside the box and settles it down an open space.

"Remember, Tris." He says once we have reached the doors of the fear landscape. "In this process, you'd have to face your fears."

I stare at him nonchalantly due to being reminded of how the Dauntless leaders watched and laughed at me when I undergone situations that state about what I'm scared of. But still, I keep that expression away and change it with an assuring look that tells him I can do this.

Finally, after a portion of seconds of standing before the doors, we cross the threshold. And there, we didn't have to seal our eyes anymore because in less than a minute, the room begins to turn black.

Xxxx

The darkness only lasts in a blink of an eye. The next thing I knew, we are already standing on our feet on a grassy field. The locale is initially quiet and the view seems so far away from me as if I don't know what to find. Tobias strolls around for a while but I knew he's not doing it for a non-sense reason. I reckoned that he's examining the place, searching for an actual event to occur. When nothing happens within a minute, I decided to join him. At the very end of my throat, something is commanding me to speak. It says that if I do so, I will attract the attention of the purpose of this first setup.

I turn my back to Tobias when nothingness prolongs to gather. He is still turning his head around as if he doesn't believe that this is just a field. And I am with him. This couldn't just be a field put in here as a trick, to make us wait like idiots. I am still afraid of crows so therefore they are just hiding somewhere, finding the perfect timing to attack. I can sense that anytime, they will just take me by surprise and scrape me with those talons and beaks.

"If I'm not mistaken this is the venue of the crows." Tobias says, referring to the time when I went through the process of the third stage of initiation. "But where are they?"

I tilt my head onto the left and answers, "They must be playing hide and seek with me."

"Or they must be scared of you."

I turn my head back to front view. My body is suddenly alarmed as if it's telling me to move. Now. I don't intend to enlarge my eyes but they do so along with my jaw that falls open. Tobias doesn't have to be reminded at that moment; he also knew. We both do. Once I finally hear the sounds of their arrival which happen to be coming from my back, I twirl around and find them flying hastily to reach me.

"Tris!"

Talons begin to send chills to my body while mandibles prickle in every part of me. I hear myself squeal as I am being surrounded with this murder of crows who wants to finish me up through a short span of time. It is when I can no longer tolerate their assault that I lift myself from where they brought me down and run to find a weapon to shoot them. They follow me in every path I choose to take; their presence behind me makes me run faster than I could.

But it is during the moment that I'm trying to save myself when I realize that Tobias is lost in the scene. I shouldn't be preventing myself from escaping for the crows might catch on me again but this is no joke. Tobias is lost. I can't see him anywhere I turn my head at. He's gone. This is just me: left alone and must surpass the crows. Is this why he reminded me that I have to face my fears before we entered the doors of the fear landscape? Did he mean to say I have to face my fears alone and he only came at the first place so I won't ponder of quitting? But no. I shouldn't be thinking about him that way. I trust him. He is here. This is just a simulation and nothing bad will happen to him for I am the target of these crows. He is here, he is here, he is here.

I don't know for how long I've been running but I could tell that the pathway is slowly growing to be narrow. The center of the field catches my attention. If there are no any other sources of weapons here, it only has to be the field and nothing else. I couldn't just run in here forever. This is only the first fear and I need to obtain the rest that will follow. As the crows prolong to fly after me, I am almost near the area which I intend to dig for a weapon. There are only few steps left for me to take when suddenly, like a bolt from the blue, I stumble against something hard. When I tilt my head to see what that is, I realize that it's more of a 'who is that'.

I stutter when I speak. "T-Tobias?"

"We'd talk about this later." He says in a hurry. He takes my hand with his and we run together to reach for my intended area.

"On here, on here,"

We crouch down next to each other and begin digging around the grass. Before the crows could come closer, we have formed a hole; and there, we find two pistols kept back for us. Finally, when the murder of crows is about to ascend us angrily, I and Tobias link our backs together and shoot the crows one by one. I watch as they tumble down the field and as the remaining ones attempt to attack me but I've shot them before they could stand a chance. When I'm certain that there are no more of them, I release a big breath. My heart, which was beating so fast like a gun bullet, has come to grow sluggish. I gradually bring my hands down which until now are trembling from the recent encounter with the crows. However, as a fraction of seconds pass by, I am starting to feel normal again.

My spinal remains linked to the midst of Tobias's. That is when I travel back to my senses and tells myself that he is here. I was right. I don't know why and how he faded in a sudden recently but what does matter is that we've found a way to slay the crows and we did it together as a team. I can sense that he's still recovering through how his back expands against mine and how he gasps for breath.

Soon, when he no longer does it, he reverses his position and I stumble back against him. He catches me by a hold around the waist and turns me around so now I'm facing him.

"Tobias…" I mutter. "You have gone my sight when the crows attacked."

"I called out your name." he says. "But I guess you didn't hear me. I could see you but you couldn't see me. The moment you were looking for a weapon, I was also doing the same."

My forehead curls in confusion. "But why is that? How did it happen? Why didn't I see you not until I'm at the narrow pathway?"

"It must be a part of your fear landscape's challenge: to gain strength resources in the midst of a sudden loss and fear. You were being tested on how you would react when you find out that you have no company at all; that you'd need to overcome it by yourself. And you've proved that you can manage to make your mind and body work although things approached you chaotically. You didn't stop running. You knew it was your goal to find a gun."

"But… I wasn't able to find you."

"You found me. If you stopped running to observe your surroundings assuming you might see me, you wouldn't have stumble to where I am. You did it right."

I understand. It was just all a test. My first fear is done; now we're off to the second one. I would have to be braver this time.

Tobias inclines his head down to me and brushes his lips softly against mine. "Ready for the next stage?"

I beam into his eyes for I know that I am. "Ready."

A/N: Hello! I'm sorry if I was only able to write about Tris's first fear in this chapter. To tell you honestly, I was really terrified to write this chapter. I mean… this is challenging in a way that I can't explain. I was worried that I may not describe her fear landscape in a good manner or that I may not express her insights towards the crows. So you see… I made my own version of how the crows attacked Tris and how she and Tobias surpassed them. I didn't want to write it in the same manner that Veronica Roth did on the book for I knew that I couldn't attain to write like her. I knew, from the start, that I could only write this chapter in my way and so I did. I would try to make the rest of her fears fit in one chapter next time so we don't have to go through a long way with it. : )

Lastly, I hope this is not too much to ask, but I want to know what you think about the way I wrote this chapter; either positive or negative or both. Your opinions might help me to do better on Chapter 37.

So, that is all for today, thank you for reading and till the next chapter! : )

Iris Molefoursted