Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own Voyager.
A/N: Only the epilogue left after this chapter. Hope you enjoy what's left of this fic and thanks so much for sticking with it for so long!
The messhall was oddly empty. Considering the time of day Kathryn had expected there to be more than just the few crewmembers scattered about. It was the first time in a while, what felt like months in fact, that she'd made a point to have lunch on time just so she could drop by the messhall and check on the crew.
It was truly amazing what a life threatening situation could do to bring a crew together. From what she could tell there was no longer so much as a trace of awkwardness between the former maquis and Starfleet. It was as if the Teero incident had never happened at all. She couldn't be more pleased about that.
There had been, of course, a sense of sadness the first couple of days once the news of Crewman Yosa's death spread. She was both glad that she'd been confined to sickbay those days and disappointed in herself for not being able to be there for them when they found out. She had trusted Chakotay to console those who needed it and he'd done well, but the disappointment was still there.
As for the loss of Yosa...
She tried not to think about it. Thinking about it lead to dwelling on it and dwelling lead to sleepless nights which lead to lessened efficiency. So she pushed all thoughts of mistakes, the mounting number of dead crewmembers, and 'what if's to the back of her mind with all the rest of the things she couldn't allow herself to dwell on.
If Starfleet made her have counseling sessions upon their return, whenever that would be, the counselor would have one hell of a time, as Chakotay had once said years ago. The thought of Chakotay brought up a whole new array of emotions. Especially as she remembered the conversation they'd had only the night before...
She could feel his eyes on the back of her head as she replicated two cups of coffee. She ignored it. By the time she turned around he was already seated in his usual armchair across from her sofa. "It's nice to be back in my own quarters," she said, mostly to fill the silence, as she handed him his cup.
"I know what you mean. It's nice to actually be able to sleep too."
She stopped, coffee frozen mid sip, and looked at him with a mix of concern and curiosity. "You haven't been sleeping?"
Chakotay tapped his thumb against the side of the coffee mug and looked down into its dark brown depths. "We were busy. There wasn't much time for sleep."
It was a cop-out and they both knew it. The fact he used 'we' instead of referring to himself said it all. She only watched him a moment longer before letting it go and taking a sip of her coffee though. The warm liquid was soothing as it slid down her throat, almost as if washing away all her tension. She leaned back against the sofa and crossed her legs as she took another sip.
Silence filled her quarters as they both quietly enjoyed their coffee. At least she was enjoying it. She wasn't so sure about her First Officer. He still seemed a bit tense and was more interested in staring at his coffee than drinking it.
"I was worried about you."
Kathryn looked up at the sudden admission. He was still staring into his coffee cup, but she supposed she should be glad he was at least talking. "At which point? When the away team and I were stranded on the planet or when you and I were abducted by slavers?" She asked with a light smirk in an effort to diffuse the seriousness currently making the room feel suffocatingly small.
Chakotay cracked a small smile that just barely reached his eyes. "Both."
"For what it's worth," she began, her smirk melting into a smile to match his. "I was worried once or twice as well."
"The great irrepressible Captain Janeway worried? Is that possible?"
He was teasing, she knew, but she was sure there was a touch of bitterness mixed in there as well. "It happens occasionally," she replied. "You know...this is the most we've talked to each other in a while."
Chakotay looked back down at his coffee. "I suppose that's partially my fault."
"I didn't say that."
"You don't need to."
Silence descended again, as had been the pattern all night, until Chakotay finally looked up again with an almost pleading look in his eyes. "You know I'm sorry, right?"
Kathryn's automatic response was to assure him that he didn't need to be, but by now she was well aware of the fact that he wouldn't listen anyway. "For what?" she asked instead.
"Everything. For the mutiny," he shook his head to ward of the rebuttal he obviously knew was coming and quickly continued. "Even if it wasn't necessarily anyone's fault. For my part in our avoiding each other. For not telling you..." he trailed off, taking on an unreadable expression, as he stared at her as if far away.
"For not telling me what?" she pressed, her heart starting to pick up speed. For a moment his expression broke and she could see everything written clearly in his eyes. Every ounce of desperation, every hint of remorse and guilt, and a caring so deep that she wasn't sure she could fathom it. It all added up to one monumental picture that she shouldn't...couldn't...put a name to.
"For not telling you...," he trailed off again and seemed to decide against whatever it was he was going to say. "What you're friendship means to me. That I'm sorry I jeopardized something so important and so precious. I don't want to lose you," he added, his voice almost turning into a whisper.
"I don't want to lose you either," she assured him. "Your friendship or your companionship."
Chakotay smiled softly, but it was almost a sad smile more than a happy one. As if realizing he was still staring at her he quickly looked away and when he looked back the clouded look in his eyes was gone. "You know, as your friend, you can talk to me if you need to. You probably should talk about what happened..."
He was alluding to Yosa, the planet, maybe even all of the Delta Quadrant in general. "I know that, Chakotay. Maybe another time though."
"How much longer? I may only be your meager First Officer and not worthy to hear your deepest darkest secrets," he began, flashing her a teasing smile that actually looked genuine this time. "But I'm willing to put a pillow over my head while you rant if you need to. You're going to have to let it all out eventually, Kathryn."
"What's that old saying...something about a pot and kettle..." She arched an amused eyebrow at him to which he simply chuckled. "Besides, what happened to 'we have plenty of time'?" The smile on his face faltered slightly and the gaze she found herself staring into almost made her breath catch in her throat.
"I guess I'm just impatient."
A moment of silence fell between them before she rolled her eyes with a smirk that she was confident hid here deeper tension. "I'll try not to make it much longer than. For your sake."
The clearing of a throat brought her back to the present and she quickly looked up to find Sofin standing beside her table looking more than a little uncomfortable. "Mr. Sofin, it's good to see you. Have a seat." The crewman slid into the empty chair across from her and briefly glanced around the messhall. He looked like there was something he wanted to say, but wasn't sure how. With a small smile she sipped her coffee. "Was there something you wanted to talk about?"
"I protested looking for you," he finally blurted out. "When the Wakazi took you to their caves and we didn't know what had happened to you. I said it wasn't worth the risk."
Kathryn nodded silently. She had a feeling it was something like that. She'd caught Jarvin shooting him a glare when the members of the away team had visited her in sickbay and she'd thanked them for their efforts in locating her. "Good," she replied simply and took another sip of her coffee before it could get cold.
"Good?" Sofin was quite blatantly confused. And perhaps concerned for her mental stability. "Captain, maybe you didn't hear me correctly..."
"I heard you correctly. My response is still the same. Someone needed to be a voice of reason, after all." At his still confused expression she gave him a half-smile. "I'm convinced at this point that Mr. Paris, and probably Celes as well, would risk anything no matter how inconceivable it may be if they thought it would do any good. Mr. Jarvin, as I've noticed, is protective of those in need as well as anyone he views as being on his 'team' to the point of a willingness to break any rule in any book to do it."
"And me?"
"You're the realistic one," she answered, noting that he seemed startled a little at that. "Sometimes it takes someone with more realistic views to make others think about what they're doing."
"It didn't work on the planet. We went after you anyway," he pointed out. "Not that I'm sorry about that, I just..."
"I know what you meant. I also said 'sometimes'. The point is the four of you worked well as a dynamic. Maybe I'll send you all on away missions together more often," she added with an amused smirk.
"No, that's alright. I think I can live with never going on an away mission again," Sofin replied dryly. He paused for a moment, looking down at the table top, before continuing. "For the record, Captain, when the mission first started I would have gone looking for you or any of the team without hesitation. Then Yosa...," he trailed off with a faraway look before shaking himself back into the present. "I guess I panicked. I reverted back to the Equinox and all I could think about was survival. Then Tal Celes volunteered to go into the cave. She was wounded and had been close to death just a few hours before, but she wasn't afraid to take a risk. Something about that...it jump started my principles again I suppose. I felt smaller than a microbe for how I'd reacted. I am sorry, Captain."
"Don't be sorry, Sofin. I can tell you from experience that being sorry won't change anything. The only thing you can do is move on and try to do better next time." She smiled lightly, albeit with hidden demons of her own lurking under the surface. "That's something I've recently learned from experience as well."
Sofin returned her smile weakly and nodded. "I understand, Captain."
"Hey, Sofin!" a voice called from behind her. A moment later Jarvin was at their table. Upon seeing the Captain he grinned. "Captain, I didn't think you'd be back on duty already."
"I'm not," she answered, holding up her coffee that was already luke warm and getting colder by the minute. "Just getting out of my quarters for lunch. Don't tell the Doctor I escaped though."
Jarvin chuckled. "Wouldn't dream of it, ma'am."
"Was there something you wanted with Mr. Sofin here?"
"Oh, yeah." Jarvin turned his attention to the crewman sitting at the table. "We wanted to know if you were up to a game of hoverball." He jabbed a thumb over his shoulder to Dalby, Jenny Delaney, Baytart, and Jenkins who were waiting by the messhall door. "Nicoletti canceled so we're down a person."
Sofin looked him over a minute before nodding. "Might as well," he answered, standing in the process. "If the Captain will excuse me..."
"You're excused, crewman. Both of you go have fun."
Sofin inclined his head respectfully in parting and followed Jarvin and the others out of the messhall. Kathryn watched them go and then leaned back in her seat, taking a sip of her coffee, and looked out the viewport at the stars passing by. A few thousand more light years and they'd be home. A few thousand more and she'd recognize the stars outside.