Oh, and someone asked for a warning so…TISSUE WARNING IN EFFECT!
Enjoy!
Chapter 34: I'll Hold On
BPOV
I heard something ringing but I couldn't really figure out what it was.
I felt groggy. I felt sick. I felt like I had awoken from a terrible nightmare that I didn't remember, but I knew it was there. I opened my eyes slowly and saw a white wall. My face lied on the cold tile of the floor.
Opening my eyes hurt. My head felt swollen. It throbbed. It hurt. Everything hurt.
The sound of the ringing didn't help with the pounding in my head and only made it worse. I moved my hands out from under me and placed them on the floor. I pushed myself up and groaned at the striking pain in my back. I didn't even know how I fell asleep. I didn't really remember much after…well after everything turned horrible.
Her screams…I could still hear them. Maybe that was why my head hurt so bad. Something like that didn't just happen without leaving a wound and even a scar. I would never forget that moment for as long as I lived.
The ringing stopped, but then started back up again. I found myself being brought back to the present by the sound. Someone was calling me. Someone needed to speak to me. What if it was about Edward…
I scrambled for the phone in my pocket. I pulled it out and saw that Bowman was calling. I answered it right away.
"Hello?"
"Bella, thank God you answered. Come let me in. I'm at the front door."
"Okay." I said and hung up the phone.
I jogged over to the door and halted when I found Bev sitting on the couch with something clutched to her chest. It was Alice's coloring book. Bev had her head looking straight in front of her looking at nothing but the wall. Her cheeks were stained with tears and her body shook slightly with each labored breath she took. She was trying to hold it all together.
"Bev." I called. She jumped at the sound of my voice and looked over to me with sad eyes. I wanted so bad to make it better for her, but I had no idea how. "Bowman is here."
She nodded and wiped her face. She placed the coloring book down on the couch. "Okay." She answered.
I nodded and went to the front door. I unlocked it and let a tired and weary looking Bowman in.
"Thank you, I would have knocked but I didn't know if people would be sleeping." He said as he walked into the house towards the living room.
"What time is it?" I asked.
"It's around ten." He answered.
Wow, it was only ten? It seemed like forever ago that Edward and I walked into the bar. We were both so happy talking with Emmett and Edward calmed down a little when he knew Alice was okay. Now what would he think? I knew what he would think, but I didn't want to think about it.
"Oh alright, so what's going on?"
He took the glasses off of his face and rubbed his eyes. "I don't understand how this happened."
"What? What do you mean?" I asked. He sounded shocked and completely at a loss. When the lawyer felt lost, you also had to feel lost.
"The date was moved up…to tomorrow."
"What?" Bev and I both said at the same time.
"It's true." He said.
"That's impossible! It's such short notice!" I said. I couldn't believe this!
"It is possible because there is a hearing tomorrow at four in the afternoon."
"How is that even possible?" Bev asked sounding calculating.
"I have a theory, but I don't know if it is true."
"Well what's your theory?" I asked impatiently.
Why couldn't he just spit it out? Why did we have to beat everything out of him? This was a big deal. If they were moving the custody trial up tomorrow, we would have to fight twice as hard.
"Edward's father, he was a lawyer. A damn good one at that, and he knows a lot of people."
"This is fucking bullshit!" I said. I had my hands clenched on my sides.
"He also has a lot of money. I think he must have paid off the right people."
"I have more money than those low-lifes." Bev interrupted him angrily. I never heard Bev speak much about how much money she had before then. "I can pay them double…hell even triple! We need more time…"
"I'm afraid that won't work. I think our best bet is to just face this head-on." He said.
"Bowman, Edward is not ready for this. He doesn't even know what is going on right now. What if he is still in the middle of an episode? This is not fair to him. He doesn't even have a fair fight…"
He sighed. "I know that Bella, but there is nothing I can do! Don't you think I want to?"
He looked hurt, and I didn't want to hurt him even more. I knew he had a lot riding on his shoulders as well. If I pressured him too much, he might falter, and Edward couldn't have that right now.
"This has to be against the law or something, right?"
"They are the law, Bella."
"I can pay them more. We just need more time. Maybe even a week…" Bev said desperately.
"I wouldn't suggest that, Beverly. The judge doesn't schedule the cases, he has someone to do that for him, so if the date keeps on getting switched on him, he will get pissed and aggravated with everyone, and that isn't good for Alice's sake."
"So you're saying there is nothing we can do?" I asked.
He shook his head. "Nothing but prepare the best we can. It won't be easy without Edward, but I do get to see him tomorrow morning and speak with him beforehand."
"Are we allowed to go with you?"
"Not for our meeting. You can visit him either before or after."
I nodded and looked over at Bev who looked like she wasn't really paying attention. I didn't even know what was going through her head, but I could see how she was falling apart. I've had more time to process things. I saw the whole thing happen before my eyes, and Bev was just out having a fun time with Alice, she comes home, and within a half an hour, she saw the lives of two people she loved fall apart.
"Do you know where Alice is?" I asked.
He nodded. "She'll spend the night in an orphanage."
His words hurt me more than I let show. I knew that is probably where she was going to go, but I kind of hoped that wouldn't have been the case. She was all alone and probably scared.
I swallowed and tried not to think about that anymore. "Will she be there tomorrow?"
"She will be in the building, but she will be held in a separate room. She will get questioned by the judge before the hearing. It's not a complete trial and it will only be held in a small court room. The judge makes the final decision. No jury or anything. It should be quick. All we can really hope for is that he will be lenient with Edward. Let's just hope he is calm enough tomorrow."
I sat down beside Bev and held onto her hand. She didn't even look toward me, but she squeezed my hand. "Bowman, let's say he is in his right mind tomorrow…do you think he will have a chance?"
He stared at me with a vacant look in his eyes. Just by that look, I knew what he really thought. Thankfully he didn't say it. He listened to what I told him earlier.
"We'll just have to hope that someone out there is looking out for them. That's all." He said.
"Just take this next right." Bev said unemotionally.
The whole ride had been quiet. It was a sunny day out, comfortable temperature of fifty degrees Fahrenheit, and the time on the clock on my car read ten in the morning. I barely got any sleep the night before. I was kept awake with my thoughts of what would happen this very day.
I got up around six in the morning after sleeping for far too little. Bev went back to her place around midnight saying that she wanted to be alone. I wanted some alone time as well. We both tried to comfort each other as best we could, but it was no use. By the looks of Bev, I didn't think she got much sleep either. Understandable.
After I woke up, I straightened up Edward's apartment. I couldn't bring myself to leave and head back to my apartment. I felt wrong just leaving it empty. I slept on Edward's bed. Bad and good idea at the same time. Good because it smelt like him, and it was comforting to feel that closeness to him, but bad because it only made me miss him more and think about him all alone probably sleeping on a hard mattress or something. Did he sleep? What was he thinking? Did he need me?
A million things ran through my head and it drove me absolutely crazy. If Edward were here, he would tell me to stop being a worrier. He hated when I worried about him, but I really could not help it in this case. If…yes, and I do mean if the judge for some reason gave his parents custody, I would need to be strong for him. He wouldn't be able to hold himself together.
I needed to stop thinking of the worst. Just like Edward and I always said; you couldn't fight fate. He deserved to have Alice, and they belonged together. No sane person could miss that so everything would be fine. Plus, I was sure when the judge questioned Alice, he would see how desperately she wanted to be with Edward. She idolized and loved him more than anyone else. I just wished there was a way I could see her.
Bowman called about an hour ago and said he was one his way to speak with Edward. Apparently they still had him in solitary, but they would let him out long enough to speak with his lawyer. Bev and I could go see him at one. We could only go one at a time, but that was fine with me as long as I got to see him and maybe verbally help him out. Bowman did make it clear that I would only get to hold his hands. I couldn't hug him or kiss him or anything. Just touch his hands. That I guessed I could live with. I felt closest to him when we held hands. It was something that he trusted me with that he didn't trust in other people with.
And I could tell him I loved him. I would tell him that over and over again if that was what would help him get his shit together. Bowman said he wouldn't be able to speak with me until I got to the police station because he would be speaking with Edward and hitting him with questions he might get when he went in there for the hearing. I had no way of knowing what his state of mind was like, and it drove me mad.
Bev came back over around 9:30 and asked me if I could drive her somewhere she needed to go. She said she could have taken her car, but she didn't want to go alone, so I of course agreed to take her. She took this hard as well and I would do what I could to help her. Plus, going out would be the best way to keep my mind off of the negative things that could happen in the past and focus more on the now.
I took the right that Bev told me to take, and I thought I knew where we were going. I probably would have known a little while ago if my head wasn't otherwise occupied.
We were at the cemetery.
I didn't even have to doubt why we were there. I knew she went to Leon's grave at least once a week, and it was usually on Sundays. I could get why she would turn to him now. She probably felt comfort going there even though he wasn't alive. I could understand her a little bit. I knew that no matter what happen, I would always turn to Edward if I needed guidance. I remember I did the same with Dominic. I would go to his grave because it was peaceful. Plus, I liked to think that if he were able to see me, he would know that I still thought of him and went to see him when I could. I hadn't gone in a while. I would have to soon.
"He's towards the back." She said. I nodded and pulled into the cemetery. I drove down the path slowly and waited for her to tell me when to stop. "You can just pull over right about here, sweets." She said. I stopped where she told me to, and put the car in park.
"Do you…do you want me to stay here or…"
"I would like it if you came, but if you are uncomfortable, that is perfectly fine." I shook my head and turned the car off.
"I will go." I said.
I would go with her for the support, and it meant a lot to me that she would bring me somewhere that was so personal to her. Bev and I both loved Alice and Edward, and we were both hurting. We really only had each other to turn to because anyone else simply wouldn't understand. I knew what Bev was feeling, and she knew what I was feeling. We had to stick together and help each other so we could help them.
She nodded and we both got out of the car. The breeze was soft, and I zipped up Edward's hoodie. I knew I would have to take it off when I went to the court house, but for now it was helping me feel close to him. I needed to head home and get changed after this before I saw him. I really wanted to see him. I missed him so much.
I hooked arms with Bev and she smiled slightly up at me. She was so sweet. I hated seeing her so upset. "Leon always told me when he was buried, he wanted to be in that back." She said with a small smile on her face. It was nice to see.
I chuckled softly. "And why is that?"
"He hated being the center of attention. He didn't want every person who drove by to stare at his grave." She said with a roll of her eyes.
"Well that's a bit odd." I said as we continued walking further back.
"He was rather odd. He was kind of nerd as well. Some thought of him as cocky, arrogant, and weird. They just never knew him like I did."
I knew how she felt with that one. I knew what it was like to see the person you love get judged so harshly by others when you knew that all of their predetermined ideas about your love were completely wrong.
"It's not fair he was judged that way."
She shrugged. "Yeah, I guess so. He never minded at all. I did though. I mean he was weird, but it was something I loved about him. Everyone has their preferences I guess."
I nodded. "Yeah, that's also true."
"But he was the most accepting and open-minded person I have ever met. I mean it shows in the simple fact that he married me." She made a turn and sighed. "You know, for a white man to marry a black woman in that time was unheard of and he was so well known…he never cared one bit. You don't know how many days I cried because of some of the things people said to both me and him, but he was so blasé about it. He knew what he wanted, and nothing would stop him. If he fell, he would get back up again. He was so strong."
She slowly stopped and she faced the place where her husband lies. I read the tombstone:
Leon Frederick Clifford Martins
Beloved husband and father
I noticed there wasn't a birth or death date. I wondered why that was.
"He also didn't want his birth or death date on his stone…security reasons of course." She said with another smile that seemed reserved only for him. It was beautiful and sad at the same time.
I chuckled. "It sounds like he and Edward would have gotten along quite well."
"Absolutely. I see a lot of Leon in Edward…especially with their quirks." She walked up to the grave stone and picked up one of the pink flowers off of the ground in front of it. She held it up to her nose and breathed in. They still looked fresh. "Shortcake brought these here with me yesterday."
My heart sunk thinking about Alice. I could tell it hurt Bev to even say her nickname. With mentioning her, all I thought about was where was she? Was she happy? Were they feeding her okay? Was she crying? If she was, was there someone there comforting her? Too many questions that would go unanswered for the moment so I just pushed it to the back of my mind.
"Do you bring her here often?" I asked.
She shrugged. "Whenever she asks. She asks a lot about him. Maybe I talk about him too much, but I can't help it. She gets curious though so she asks to come sometimes. I brought her here for the first time when she was four." She smiled thinking back on the time. "She was a tiny little girl for so long but boy did she know how to get what she wanted. Edward came with her the first time. He said he wanted to be the one to answer her questions about death and all of that."
I hugged his sweater tighter around me. "He always wants to teach her whatever she wants to know."
"Yes, he does, and he always has. I will never forget when Alice was about a year and a half, she was walking all over the place, and she got a hold of some glass cleaner. The nozzle was locked, but he still freaked out. He sat her down on his knee and read to her the hazard warnings on the back of the bottle." She said with a small laugh and I joined in. That was something Edward would do. "At first she just looked at him like he was crazy before she just started hitting it out of his hands and he got frustrated."
"It seems like they have been quite the pair for the longest time, huh?"
She nodded and sat down on the ground in front of Leon. The whole time she spoke, her eyes never left the stone. "You have no idea. I mean it was hard for Edward at first. I can't tell you how many times he came to my door with a screaming Alice looking close to tears himself. She was teething at the time, and he didn't know how to help her. I taught him all I knew, and he listened to me like what I said was the secret of life or something. I guess to him it was…who knows."
"Alice is his life." I said. I sat down beside her. I didn't touch her or anything. I would give her space.
She wiped a tear from her eye, but showed no other signs of sadness. Just that single tear. "I know she is, and that is what scares me, Bella. I wish I could bottle up these memories and stories I have of them and how much he takes care of her and loves her and just simply lives for her to show the judge or anyone else who doubts that boy's ability to raise her."
"I don't even understand how anyone can doubt that of him." I said honestly. How could they not see the look on the both of their faces when the other walked in the room?
"I don't either, but they do. You know, I told you that Edward reminds me of Leon, and he does, but there is one major difference; Leon was able to cope with pain. He just brushed it off, and continued on like nothing happened. Even when his grandfather, a man he loved dearly died, he cried once, and then he was fine. He told me it was because he didn't see a point in grieving for too long. His grandfather wouldn't have wanted that, you know?" I nodded. "But Edward…as much as he tries to deny it, that boy is sensitive. He feels everything. He feels it and it weighs on him until he is close to breaking. He blames himself for anything that goes wrong just because that is how he grew up. When something went wrong, he had no one to place the blame on but himself because all he had was himself."
I brought my knees to my chest and tried to keep my own pain at bay. She was right. Everything she said was true and it scared me to death. No matter what happened today, Edward still wouldn't be the same for a long time. Just the fact that Alice was taken away, even if it was only one night, would get Edward in a state of mind I didn't want him going into.
"I'm scared for him, Bev." I squeaked out and cleared my throat. I didn't want to cry.
"So am I, sweets. You know, it's hard for me too. I feel like there is so much more I could have done. Maybe if I would get my shit together, I could have protected them both from this." She said angrily, and I didn't recall ever hearing her swear. "If I wasn't so weak, I could leave that apartment and take them with me. I could have taken them far away. Edward could leave, but he wouldn't, and I know that. He wouldn't leave me alone. He has told me before." She was crying now and I leaned into her side to give her support.
"This isn't your fault." Her body shook with her cries and I wrapped my arms around her. "Edward doesn't leave because he loves you and so does Alice. You are so important to them."
"I know, and that is why I should be strong enough for them, Bella, but I don't know how to explain it. It is like I am letting Leon go. I can't do that. As much as I know that he wouldn't want this for me, I can't bring myself to leave that apartment because the fact remains that he is dead and I am alive without him. This is how I cope. I know it's wrong, and I know it probably hurts Alice and Edward, but I…I just can't."
"You don't have to, Bev. They are both happy there. Please don't blame yourself."
She took a deep, shaky breath. "Okay…I'm sorry to just pour that all out on you, sweets. This isn't about me right now. This is about Alice and Edward. I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize, Bev. Your feelings matter too you know, and I don't really know what to say to you to give you peace of mind, but just know that Edward would never, ever blame you for anything. Him and Alice adore you and look up to you so much. So do I."
She turned to me and smiled a watery smile. I gave her a weak one back. "Thank you, Bella. You know, I love you sweets."
"I love you too, Bev."
She turned back to Leon's grave. "Leon would have loved you too. Trust me. Do you pray, Bella?" She asked.
I shook my head. "No, not usually."
She sighed. "Me neither. I kind of lost faith after my husband died, but I do ask him for help from time to time, so would you mind helping me?" She asked.
"Of course not."
She nodded and looked back at the stone. "Just close your eyes and ask him anything you want for Edward and Alice. He will help out. He better or I will go up there and beat your ass, my love." She said warningly to Leon.
I chuckled and thought about what I would want for Edward. It took me a while, but I knew what I really needed for Edward.
Strength.
No matter what happened today, whether he got to keep Alice or not, Edward still would not forgive himself so easily. I didn't want him taking steps backward.
Leon, Dominic, God…anyone out there listening; please give my Edward strength. Please.
"Place any lose items in here please." The officer said and held out a gray bucket in front of me. I put my purse, my phone, and he even told me to take out my earrings. I put them all inside and he placed it in what looked like a locker. "Stand in front of me please; hands out to your sides, feet shoulder width apart."
I listened to what he said and he took out a metal detector wand and scanned my body with it. As if that wasn't bad enough, after he was finished, he patted me down, and that was uncomfortable enough. All of this just to see Edward for thirty minutes. It was worth it.
"Ma'am, once inside the room with the prisoner, you are to remain in your seat at all times. If you get up, you will be escorted out. You are only allowed to touch the prisoner's hands that will be chained to the table. When your thirty minutes are up, an officer will go in to get you, and there will be no extended time. Do you understand the rules?"
I nodded my head trying not to cry. It would kill me to have to see him, get to hold his hand, but not get to kiss or hug him. I was sure he needed comfort. "Okay."
"Come this way." He said and led me down the hall way to the holding room.
There was only one small window on the door and I couldn't see him. The officer took out his keys and unlocked the door. He pushed it open, and I felt a calm overtake me when I saw him. I knew seeing him would at least clear my head a little bit. He was in there. He had an orange jumpsuit on. His hands were both chained to the table. They were clasped in front of him and he had his head resting on them. His leg was bouncing and he was mumbling to himself quietly. It was like he didn't even hear us come in.
"Cullen!" The officer called and Edward's head snapped up. "You have a visitor."
I tried not to cry out when I saw how horrible he looked. He looked beautiful to me, but he also looked sick and stressed and tired and of course…angry. This couldn't be happening. He would have to go through this hearing while still in the middle of an episode.
I walked eagerly to the chair across from him. The table seemed too big; he was too far away. The officer left the room and I reached out for his hands eagerly. He didn't push me away or anything, but his grip on my hands weren't as tight as I would have liked them to be. I looked up at him and saw him looking down at our hands with a blank expression on his face and he was mumbling again to himself.
"Baby…" My voice called out to him. "Baby, how are you doing?"
He looked up at me. His bright green eyes struck me at how tired he looked. The bags under his eyes were a dead giveaway. "I'm fine." He grumbled.
I held on tighter to his hands to restrain from going to touch his face. He looked pale. He was sweating and pale. They were feeding him right? They checked his sugar? They had to do those things for him. I just knew they did.
"Did you get any sleep last night?" I asked.
He laughed a humorless laugh. "Oh yeah," He looked behind me at the double mirror behind my back. "Because these fuckers drugged me like I was some kind of animal!" He yelled angrily.
"Hey, hey…" I said soothingly. "Look at me, baby." He looked down at me breathing heavily through clenched teeth. "Don't worry about them. I'm the only one here, okay? Just keep your eyes on me."
He groaned and dropped his head down on the table. "I hate it here." He said.
I brought his hands to my mouth and kissed his fingers. I didn't really think about it until I thought they would make me leave. Thankfully no one did, so I guessed that was okay. "I know you do, baby. We are trying to get you out."
"I'm getting out today." He said.
"What? You are?"
He lifted his head. He was smiling. He looked genuine. It scared me. "I'm going to see Alice."
I swallowed down the lump in my throat. It hurt so bad. "Edward…I think you are confused…"
He squeezed onto my hands tightly. "No! I am going to see Alice and that's final!" He screamed.
"Edward…you can't."
He released my hands almost immediately. "Get out! Get the fuck out! You are trying to keep me from her! I am going to see her, damn it!"
I pushed back on my chair and tried to keep from crying. "Edward…please…"
"You don't know what you're talking about! I am going to see her!" He pulled his hands away from the table, but he was going nowhere. He got up from the chair and tried to walk away, but his legs were also chained to the table. "Fuck off!" The door flew open and two officers went after Edward who was trying to make a weak escape and another officer grabbed my arm.
"No." I said and tried to get away from him. "Just give him a minute, he'll be fine."
"Ma'am you are going to have to leave. He's a danger to himself and others."
"He won't hurt me, you don't understand."
"Ma'am!" He said a little urgently as he looked at the officers struggling to get Edward to sit still. "You have to leave."
"Can I just go say bye? Please."
He looked at me for a second with a hard expression on his face and he sighed. "Fine."
I walked over to Edward's who's arms were being held by the two officers. He fought to get away, but he had no chance. I wrapped my arms around his neck hesitantly, hoping they wouldn't make me get away from him…thankfully they didn't. Edward stopped struggling but his breathing was quick and ragged.
"Shh…" I whispered into his ear. I drank in as much of him as I could. I could feel my tears spilling over, but I did my best not to let them be known in my voice. "Calm down, please, baby." He groaned. I turned my head and kissed the side of his a couple times. "I love you." I whispered.
He didn't say it back. I didn't expect him to. He never really was comfortable saying words of affection in front of other people, let alone two cops who wanted to bring him back to a jail cell.
I let go of him unwillingly and turned to leave the room. I walked out of the room without looking back, because I didn't want to see them treating him like an animal. I walked back to the main area of the station where Bev and Bowman were. I felt like a zombie. Like everything inside of me was dead. He was delusional. I looked to Bowman, and he was typing away on his laptop.
"Bowman." I called out to him. He looked up and so did Bev. "Why didn't you tell me he was like that?" I asked, my voice cracking.
"What do you mean?" He asked, sounding genuinely confused.
"He…" I cleared my throat. "He thinks he is going to see Alice soon. Didn't you tell him?"
He sighed. "Of course I did. He didn't speak to me much, but he looked like he was listening. He just would randomly mumble something in a different language. I didn't know that he was…"
"Delusional. In denial…I don't know. I think it's a little bit of both." I said.
"He didn't speak much to me either." Bev said. I didn't get to see her before I got in. She went in before me, and she left to get some air as soon as she came out and they brought me in.
I sat down across from them. "He said that he was going to see Alice and that I was trying to keep her away from him. I don't…this isn't good."
"He'll come around." Bowman said.
I hoped so.
It was the first time I saw them.
When they walked in, I only caught a glimpse of their faces, and then the back of their heads. Hate and anger filled me when I saw them. The only problem was that they didn't look like a crazy couple. They didn't look dangerous or evil…they looked normal. What I saw and what the judge would see would be completely different.
Edward's mother kept on looking back at me. She caught my eye for a second, and she smiled at me. Smiled. I hated it. I hated her. But what I hated most was how that smile didn't seem conniving or mocking. It looked sincere.
She looked exactly like Edward and Alice. I hated to admit that, but she did. She had his strange hair color, shape of face, nose, and eyes. I knew every part of Edward's face, and she resembled him so closely. The only difference was the softness of the curve of her cheek bones, and her height.
Edward got his height from his father. His father stood at least an inch or two taller than Edward. He had Alice's eyes. That was all I was about to pick up from looking at him because I tried not to do it. I felt sick when I did. That was the man that stabbed Edward. He tried to kill him. I would never, ever forgive his parents for what they did to their son and my love. When I looked at them, I didn't even see human beings to be honest. I saw monsters.
That's the only thing I saw though. Edward's mother wore a pair of gray pants and a fancy dress sweater. Her hair was down and pushed back by a headband. His father wore a full on suit. He had his arm around his wife and kept his stoic gaze to the wall in front of him while running his hand along her arm. They looked innocent.
They were monsters.
The court room was small. Everything was so close together, and there were only about ten seats behind each side. On Edward's side, there was just me and Bev. On Edward's parent's side, there were six people I hadn't seen before in my life sitting and waiting patiently. I heard the door open behind me, and I looked to see who it was. It was a woman in a business suit. She held a suitcase in one hand and papers in her other hand. She walked determinedly to the front of the room and took a left. She sat down beside the monsters. She must be their lawyer.
Bowman already sat in his spot, writing away on a pad of paper. I didn't know what he was doing, but I trusted him. So we were just waiting for Edward and the judge.
The doors opened again behind me, and there was Edward. His hands were handcuffed in front of him, and two officers were escorting him in. I had my eyes on his parents. His mother looked back and bit her lip. Tears instantly fell down her face when she looked at him, and Edward's father whispered words in her ear.
Monsters.
Edward looked up from the ground and then his eyes landed on them. His feet instantly stopped moving, and the officers had to stop in their tracks. Edward lifted his hands. "Get them out of here!" He screamed.
Bowman got up from his seat quickly and ran up in front of Edward. "Edward, stop it. Please. Just calm down." He said as soothingly and urgently as he could.
"What the fuck are they doing here, Bowman!" He yelled.
His mother looked back at him with red cheeks and tears, but her husband made her turn around.
"We talked about this Edward." He said. "This is the custody hearing."
"You said I could see Alice!"
Bowman shook his head. "No, I didn't, but if you want to see her, you are going to need to calm down, okay? Just act like they aren't here. Do it for Alice, son. Come on."
"Can I just see her for a minute?" He asked suddenly looking like he was going to cry. I had to look away.
"She's not here right now, just please come and sit down."
Edward must have silently consented, because I could hear them walk by me and sit down. Bev grabbed onto my hand and I squeezed hers. The doors in front of me this time opened up and in walked the judge we were all prompted to rise. He was an older looking man maybe in his sixties. He had a scowl on his face and a frustrated presence. He sat down, and so did everyone else. He looked over his paper work casually for about two minutes before he looked up.
"Okay. Well this is an unexpected hearing. I am actually quite booked today, so I wasn't very happy." He said with a look over in Edward's parent's direction. Yes. He's mad at them. That's a good start. "Alright, well this is how I will run things. Officials should know the drill, but for both parties involved, each side will have a chance to plead their case. Then I will ask the questions to each individual. I have already spoken with the child. At the end, I will make my decision. Got it?"
"Yes your honor." Both the lawyers and Edward's parents said. Edward didn't say a word and just looked down at the table. The judge didn't let that pass.
"Excuse me, Mr. Cullen. Did you get that?" He asked.
Edward looked up. "Yes." He said harshly, but the judge just blew it off.
"Okay, "Mr. Bowman. You can start us off."
And so he did. He did an incredible job in my opinion. He started off by explaining Alice and Edward's relationship. He explained his first hand experience in witnessing the love between them, but I couldn't make out what the judge was thinking. His face was blank and emotionless the whole time. After he talked about what a great guardian Edward was, he then went into how Edward's parents were not a good choice for Alice. He brought of Edward's father stabbing him, he brought up a lot of facts about Edward's abuse in the past that I didn't even hear of. I felt like I would throw up and it killed me that the people who caused Edward that much pain were not twenty feet away from me and I couldn't do anything about it.
"Your honor, placing the child in the home of two mentally unstable and potentially dangerous guardians would be preposterous and wrong. It could also mean danger for the child. My client can provide a safe home with love and security…something Mr. and Mrs. Cullen cannot provide. It's as simple as that." He concluded. "Thank you." He said and sat down.
I wanted to clap he did so good. He made it obvious to the judge that Edward was the only choice. Placing Alice in the care of her parents would be stupid. They didn't deserve her and they could never love her as much as Edward did.
"Thank you, Mr. Bowman." He turned to the other side. "Mrs. Corrigan, you may now begin."
The monsters' lawyer rose up from her chair and flattened out her suit with her hands. "Your honor, I am going to make this short and sweet. Mr. Bowman here swears that placing the child in the care of my clients is dangerous. This is completely false. My clients have both been receiving treatment and medication for traumatic pasts and mental illnesses. They have a clean record in all rehabilitation facilities they were admitted to. They have been having therapy for over five years, and their record has been clean ever since. I get that they have a record in the past, but your honor, I need you to realize that was in the past. What I would like to remind you of is that right now, in the present, Edward Cullen Jr. is under arrest for assault and potential attempted murder on an innocent man. Yes my clients have made mistakes in the past, but Edward Cullen Jr. has made recent mistakes and is clearly dangerous right now, in the present. Would you really place a child in an environment like that? I hope that you wouldn't do that to little Alice. Thank you." She sat down so sure of herself.
I wanted to punch her in the face repeatedly.
"Thank you, Mrs. Corrigan." The judge said. I wished I could see Bowman and try to decipher what he was thinking. The judge sighed loudly. "Mr. Cullen." The judge started.
"Yes." Edward and his father said at the same time.
"Fucking hell." Edward said loudly.
"Sorry about that, gentleman. Edward Cullen Jr., first of all, don't swear in my court room." Edward shrugged his shoulders and he kept his head down. "Edward Jr., I understand that you have what is called…" He looked down at his paper. "Intermittent Explosive Disorder, am I correct?"
Edward nodded. "Yes."
"Okay, and are you taking any medication for that?"
"No."
He nodded his head and turned to Edward's parents. "Edward Cullen Sr., now just so I understand more, you also have Intermittent Explosive Disorder, am I correct?"
Edward's father looked him in the eye and nodded. "Yes, your honor. I do."
Bev and I both exchanged an incredulous look. I had no idea…
"That's complete bullshit!" Edward yelled. "He's a fucking liar!"
The judge looked at Edward with frustration on his face. "Mr. Cullen, watch your mouth."
Edward groaned. "He doesn't have IED." He said.
"He does. It has been proven, now please refrain from interrupting me, Mr. Cullen." Bowman put a hand on Edward's back and whispered something in his ears. "Edward Sr., do you take medication to treat your illness?"
Edward's father nodded. "Yes, your honor. I take two medications to help control my anger."
The judge nodded. "Okay, and Edward Sr., you do admit to stabbing your son in the back…" He looked at the paper. "Seven times, correct?"
"Unfortunately, yes, I can't deny that, your honor."
He's a monster. I didn't care how regretful he sounded.
"Okay, and according to this record, you claimed to have been in a somewhat 'manic episode' when you stabbed your son, is that correct?"
He nodded slowly. "I have no recollection of the night, your honor. I barely ever remember episodes I have."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I really couldn't. I couldn't even comprehend what was going on. Everything was so unexpected.
"When was your last, episode, Mr. Cullen Sr.," The judge asked.
"June 19, 2005, your honor. The night I stabbed my son." His voice caught at the end, and her covered his mouth with his fist. His wife wiped away a tear from his face.
Monsters. There is no excuse.
"I'm not you son! Do you hear me? Stop calling me that!" Edward yelled in his father's direction.
He looked over at Edward. "I'm so sorry, Edward…I really am." He said sincerely…monster.
"Sorry my ass! You stabbed me with a baby in the room! You're sick!" He screamed. I didn't like that Edward was making a scene, but he was exactly right. He was sick. He was a monster.
Edward's father didn't even answer. The judge spoke up. "Edward Jr., when was your last episode?"
Edward shrugged. "I don't fucking know."
"Mr. Cullen, if you use profanity in my court room one more time, you will be escorted out, okay? I don't need to deal with cocky little pricks."
"I'm sorry, your honor." Edward said. "I just want to see my sister."
"Answer the question correctly this time, Edward. When was your last episode?"
Edward put his hands over his head and groaned. "I don't know."
"Was it yesterday when you assaulted Mr. Black? Was it then?"
"I don't want to talk about this anymore, alright? Just let me see Alice. Please." He said. He completely deflected the question. I think he could see how bad this was going. He shook his head and looked to Bowman. "Just let me see her. Please."
The judge shook his head and sighed. "Well, I think I will just have to guess on this one and say his last episode was then. Jacob Black is in the hospital in bad condition from a beating he got from Mr. Cullen…yesterday." He sighed. "So I have to make a decision to place the child in the care of a couple who have a history of mental illness or a young man who suffers from a mental illness."
"Your honor, my client is willing to get help. You don't understand the lengths this man will go to give that little girl what she needs." Bowman said desperately. That's the only way to describe his tone; desperate. I panicked.
"My clients were never given a chance to love their child like they do. They have a large home, they get the help they need, and they love their child. Give them a chance to love them." Mrs. Corrigan said.
"Alice Cullen knows Edward and she loves him. She has a home with him, a schedule, a life…to take her away from that would be detrimental to the child." Bowman said.
"Your honor, this wasn't the first time Edward Cullen has harmed someone in his fits of rage. He tried medication once, and then gave up. My clients have been on medication for five years and have been cleared by numerous therapists and doctors."
"Your honor, those two people over there are capable of hurting their own children. My client hasn't laid a hand on the child once."
"Your…"
"Alright, that's enough!" The judge said and banged his gavel onto the table. "I have already made my decision, so I don't need to boxing match, alright?"
"Yes, your honor." The both of them said and sat down.
"This decision wasn't necessarily easy. It is tough to make a decision when you have to choose between people with mental illnesses. But I am confident that my decision will benefit the child most. After speaking with her, I realize that she is a scared and smart little girl. Mr. Cullen," He turned to my Edward. "I am aware she is like that because of you," I didn't think I was breathing in that moment. Bev and I held onto each other's hands tightly. "But, the fact of the matter is, you are not in control. The court has given you many chances to get your act together, and you simply haven't. With that being said, I grant full sole custody of Alice Millicent Cullen to Edward Sr. and Elizabeth Cullen; her parents." He banged the gavel down.
"No! No, please!" Edward begged. My watery eyes were trained on him. He got up from the chair and ran to the judge and got on his knees in front of the table. "Please, please take that back. You can't take her from me, please." He begged.
I covered my mouth to hold my sob in. Bev had already broken down beside me. This couldn't be happening. This was a nightmare…this isn't real.
"Mr. Cullen, I'm sorry, but I have made my decision." The judge said. He did actually look like he felt bad, but not bad enough apparently. I caught a glance of the monsters. They were both crying and embracing. I never felt sicker in my life.
"Your honor, please. I will die without her. I can't-I can't live without her. She can't go with them, please." Two officers went over to Edward and picked him up from the ground. "No! No, please don't do this! I am begging you! I will do anything!" He started kicking and trying to get out of their grasps.
I looked to Bowman, and he had his head down on the table. Defeated.
"Officer Fisher, please escort, Mr. Cullen out." The judge said.
Edward screamed out, but he was unable to get away. They turned him around and Edward's eyes landed on his parents. I couldn't stop my tears once I saw his.
He could barely breathe. He had his eyes on his parents. "Please. Please don't take her f-from me." He begged. "I-I c-can't…" He took a deep breath, but it came out strangled. Something was wrong. "Sh-she n-needs m-m-m-me like I n-need…I can't breathe." He finally said and started gasping for breath.
I lifted from my chair and Bev followed. I ran over to him and put my hands on his face. "Bella what is happening to me?" He asked. He was sweating, he couldn't breathe, he was as pale as a ghost, and he was shaking like a leaf. He was going into shock or they didn't feed him correctly and he was getting hypoglycemia.
"Put him down!" I screamed at the officers. They let him down on the ground and he laid on his back shivering. The officers called in for someone to send an ambulance for him. I got on his side and put my hands on the side of his face. "Baby, just try and breathe, okay? Just breathe, baby." He looked at me, and he looked like he was trying. An officer ran in with a syringe, and he went to go put it in his leg. "Hey!" I screamed and he jumped away. "What is that?"
"It's insulin, ma'am. I think he is going into a diabetic shock."
"Didn't you feed him?" I asked.
"Of course they did ma'am, he probably didn't eat it." He said. He put the syringe back to his leg and pushed down to let it go into his system. Slowly, but surely, Edward's shaking seemed to subside, but he still gasped for every breath.
I kissed the top of his head. "Everything will be okay, babe. You'll be fine."
He looked at me, and for the first time ever, I looked into his eyes and saw…nothing. Absolutely nothing. It scared the shit out of me.
"B-Bella." He said weakly.
"Yeah, baby?" I ran my hand through his hair to try and comfort him.
"I think I'd rather just die."
I choked on a sob and the tears fell. I rested my head on his chest and felt his strong heart beat against my ear. "Don't say that. Please don't." I begged with him. He kept on gasping for every breath, and he didn't say anything.
Nothing at all.
"According to his levels, he should be awake any minute now." The nurse said to me.
I didn't take my eyes off of Edward. We were in the hospital. It was just me and him here now. Bev was here while he slept, but she left early to go somewhere. I think I knew where she went. There were two officers outside of the door, but I kept it shut. They let me stay with him, thankfully. I wouldn't be able to function if I couldn't.
He did go into a diabetic shock. Apparently they gave him food, and he just shoved it all between his mattress in the cell. He didn't know what he was doing. He was in the middle of an episode. It was about nine at night. I wasn't sure the exact time, and it didn't really matter. He had been out for a while though, and that gave me a lot of time to think. To think of how we lost.
Alice was probably at the monsters' house right now, scared, confused, and missing Edward no doubt. It killed me to think about her like that. It wasn't fair, and I didn't care what the judge thought; he made the wrong decision. I didn't think it was fair that someone who didn't know the full story, or even cared to know the full story would be allowed to make a decision like that. It wasn't fair.
Strength.
It was something Edward needed and something I needed as well. I didn't think I was strong enough to know that Alice was in a place where Edward never wanted her and the fact that Edward would never be the same because of it. How will I ever help him through this?
"Okay, thank you." I said to the nurse.
I held onto his hand with both of mine. He had restraints around his wrists that were attached to the bed because he was technically still a prisoner. I told them it wasn't necessary, but then they went into the whole procedure part of it all. I couldn't do anything at that point.
The nurse left the room, and I waited for him to wake up. I looked at his face, and I wanted to cry. He looked so damn beautiful and peaceful. It had been too long since I saw that kind of peace on his face. It hurt the most knowing that it wouldn't last. I guessed peace would only come to Edward in sleep.
I felt him squeeze my hand. I was anxious to see his eyes for the simple fact that my body craved to see some kind of life in them. In the court room, there was nothing, and that hurt me to see. Not as much as him telling me to let him die hurt me, but it was definitely up there.
I looked up at him and watched as his eyes opened and adjusted to the soft light. He looked around groggily and I could see the confused expression on his face.
I put my hand on his face and he jumped slightly, but relaxed when he looked at me. "You're okay, baby." I whispered.
He tried to lift his hand, but he couldn't because of the restraints. He looked startled and looked down at his hands both being held captive by the offending contraptions. He looked up at me in a panic.
"Why am I tied to the bed?" He asked.
Oh.
Oh please, no…
He doesn't remember.
I sat down on the edge of the bed and held onto both of his hands and he squeezed them back. "Babe you uh…you are restrained to the bed because you were arrested."
"What?" He asked slightly out of breath. He was freaking out.
"Edward, calm down, okay? You're fine."
"Why the fuck was I arrested, Bella? I didn't do anything I…" Realization overtook his face. "I-I had an…" He swallowed loudly and he squirmed in his spot.
I nodded. "Yes, you did. Jacob…he said some things and…"
He groaned. "Stop." He said and he continued squirming. He couldn't seem to sit still. "I don't care about him right now. I think I can guess what I did, but why am I here?"
"Well you…"
His breathing picked up again. His squirming continued. "Wait. No. Where's Alice? Is she here?" I looked down at his hands so he couldn't see the pain in my eyes. I sure as hell felt it in my chest. I was going to have to tell him. I was going to have to watch his heart break all over again. "Bella! Answer me! Where is she!" He asked urgently.
"She's not here, baby."
I made the mistake of looking at him and seeing the desperate and almost innocent look in his eyes. He looked like a tortured little boy. My poor Edward.
"What do you mean?" He asked. "No, she has to be here. She hates not being with me in the hospital when I'm sick…go get her, Bella."
"I'm sorry, Edward. But I can't. She's not here."
"Well where is she?" He asked impatiently.
"Edward, when you were arrested…they um…they held a hearing, and it was about…um…about who would get custody of Alice and…"
His squirming stopped. He stopped. He was completely still and I looked up at him. His expression broke me apart. He looked knowing, but unwilling to believe.
"Don't tell me that she's…that they…"
I nodded my head. I wouldn't help anything from beating around the bush or making him wait longer to find out. "She's with your parents, Edward."
His body went completely stiff. I looked up at him and he had his lips clamped shut and his head moved from side to side.
"No, no…no, no, NO!' He said loudly. "You're lying. Please tell me you're lying, Bella, please." He begged me.
I looked at him, and he was stiff, but his body was trembling. He was either trying to hold back on breaking down or the pain was wracking his body; or maybe it was both. Either way, it killed me to see him like that. I didn't think it could hurt so bad. The expression 'I love you so much it hurts' came to mind. I only hurt for him and with him because I loved him.
"I wish I was, baby, but I don't know what to say…"
He held onto my hand tightly, and his other was a tight fist by his side. He had his stare on the ceiling and I watched as he tried to hold himself together. I could see the vein in his forehead, the sweat on his face, every muscle in his body was tense as he tried to hold his emotions in. I ran my hand along his arm and could feel the tension. His legs were stiff. I looked back at his face in a panic, and I nearly cried out in my own pain when I saw tears fall from his eyes. Silent tears that revealed what his body was trying to conceal.
The pain.
I felt helpless watching him try and hold his pain inside of him or just to make it hurt less for him, I wasn't sure. What I was sure of was that this pain was emotional and physical. His tears continued to fall and I got up on the bed. I straddled his waist and put my hands on his cheeks.
"Let it out, love. It will only hurt more if you keep it in." I whispered and pushed his sweating hair out of his face.
He looked at me and those tears fell continuously. This was the first time I had ever seen him cry while not having an episode. I didn't know it would hurt this bad to see.
He was feeling everything.
And I couldn't help him.
His body finally relaxed and he let out a breath. His face scrunched up and he sobbed. I tried to ignore the burning in my chest and focus on taking the pain away from him.
"Shh…" I said and ran my hands through his hair to try and get him to calm down. I was trying to ease the pain. He tried to reach up to…I didn't know…hold me as well I thought, but he couldn't.
"Ugh!" He grunted and then he shook his head. "B-Bella…" He choked out. His eyes were pleading with me and there was nothing I could do but be there for him.
"What, love?"
"This can't be happening. I c-can't…she can't be with them…"
"Edward…I'm so sorry."
I wiped away the tears on his face, but they were replaced by new ones in seconds. His body shook with his sobs. "I-I d-didn't even get to s-say goodnight to h-her or…" He stopped and groaned in pain. "G-goodbye."
"Oh Edward…" I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around his neck. He rested his head on my shoulder and I held him close to me. "I love you so much, Edward. So much. Everything will be okay, alright?"
"I c-can't…I ca-an't hold you, hermosa…" He said sorrowfully on top of his crying. He tried to move his hands as if to show me proof.
"Shh…it's okay. I'm fine." That was a lie, but my pain didn't mean as much as his. My pain would subside slightly once his did. He nodded against my shoulder and cried. He was completely broken. "I wish I could take all the pain away, baby. I'm so sorry."
He shook his head. "J-Just stay here. Hold me. I love you."
So I did.
I held onto him.
I held onto what was left of my love.
You and I have lived through many things.
I'll hold on to your heart.
I wouldn't cry for anything,
But don't go tearing your life apart.
I have seen fear. I have seen faith.
Seen the look of anger on your face.
And if you want to talk about what will be,
Come and sit with me, and cry on my shoulder.
Cry, by James Blunt
Well words evade me. All I can think of to say is that this has been planned since day one.
I think this chapter I will reply to every review and answer any questions or anything you have for me. It's been a while since I have replied, and I guess I kind of owe it to you all after this chapter even though I assure you it wasn't easy for me to write either. But I will reply, and if you don't get one, it is either because you replied anonymously or you disabled PMs.
Big thank you to Alexa for getting this monster of a chapter back to me so fast and helping me through this story. Thank you for calming me down when I freak out about something…especially this chapter.
Well I will update again ASAP. It may take a little while longer because I am doing review replies…I'm thinking Friday most likely.
Thank you and please review!