Forsaken in My Mind's Past

Chapter 35, "Not Enough" ~ Boyce Avenue

Edward's POV

**A/N: First of all, I apologize for the delay on this one. I hope everyone had a fantastic Thanksgiving (those that celebrate it), but mine was not so great. I was sick the whole long weekend. Ugh.

I can't say enough about the reviews from last chapter. Out of this world! As always, it makes me grin like an idiot when I receive them…especially the ones that beg me for another chapter…and also when I get the new story alerts, favorites, etc. I think I might just have the best readers out there with the best, most thoughtful reviews anyone could dream of! THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart.

Having said that, I have an announcement…a HUGE announcement for me anyway. "Forsaken IMMP" has been nominated for an Avant Garde Award! I don't know who nominated me, but words could never express how unbelievably excited I was and am to see that ! After I got over the initial shock, I screamed it on every forum I could find, LOL! It's nominated in the "Best Must Read" category and voting has begun, from November 20th to December 4th at this site: twilightfb-awards(dot)blogspot(dot)com so, RUN! You have another chance on second round voting from December 11th – 26th. I would be beyond honored if you all voted for me! Thanks so much to ALL of you!

"Forsaken IMMP" was also featured on The Twilight Awards 'Under the Radar' recently! I hope you check it out! www(dot)thetwilightawards(dot)com/search/label/Under%20the%20Radar

Okay, so here we are. It's time to get into the good Doctor's head and see what's going on up there. Hope you all enjoy, and because you all are so awesome, there will be at least 2 chapters in a row of Edward! Yay! Hope you enjoy the ending; I had an amazingly evil time writing it. Oh, and for those that gave me your opinion as to who grabbed Bella at the end of the last chapter, you might be a little…surprised.

GRAPHIC CONTENT WARNING: This chapter contains excessive violence that may be disturbing to some readers. Proceed with caution.

Song Link, Not Enough - www(dot)youtube(dot)com/watch?v=hv4NAnNGZG4

XXXX

"To get back time, you force too much,

It's always too much, but not enough,

So much for the here and now, It's all the same now,

But I wish everything would change,

You can't believe a word he says, You can't believe,

I know you've been lost,

You've said it before, so say it again now,

I know you've been lost,

You're begging for more, and it's not enough,

He's all that you know, and really believe in,

He gives you a reason, to take it slow,

So much for the here and now, It's all the same now,

But I wish everything would change,

You can't believe a word he says, You can't believe

I know you've been lost,

You've said it before, so say it again now,

I know you've been lost,

You're begging for more, and it's not enough,

I know you've been lost,

Why are you begging 'please' for more?

I know that you've been lost,

Oh…and it's not enough, and it's never gonna be."

XXXX

"Doctor Cullen? Doctor Cullen, are you alright?"

I blinked my eyes a couple times before I responded to Doctor Caius. Gerard Caius was head of the board, just a little bit older than my father and not one of my biggest fans. Apparently, he thought I was a "loose canon." Humph, maybe he was right.

"Um, yes, Dr. Caius, I'm fine."

He smirked. "Okay then, you'll be happy to know that the board finds you had no fault in the death of the Conrad fetus."

"A baby girl," I muttered under my breath.

"What was that, Doctor Cullen?"

"The infant," I replied a little too sternly. "It was a girl."

Doctor Caius appeared annoyed by my observation. "Yes well, was there anything else you wanted to add?" I shook my head. "Fine, then the matter appears to be closed. Do you feel that you've had enough time to get back to work?" I nodded, gritting my teeth. Jesus Christ, it wasn't as if I'd taken off months. It had only been a couple days. I really hoped that more years as a doctor wouldn't turn me into a cold, compassionless stiff like him. "Okay," Caius responded with a sigh. "Shall we gentlemen? I'm teeing off in half an hour."

With that, the room emptied of everyone except me. I'd been physically present, but absent minded for the entire hour and a half meeting that preceded. Meeting with the board had brought the details and images of what happened that morning with my patient and her stillborn daughter back to the forefront of my mind, yes, but that wasn't the only thing eating away at me.

It was Bella.

It was always Bella. Since the night at the bar and even before then, she was on my mind. Now, however, she owned it. What she'd gone through, what that loser she was married to had put her through was just about too much for me to bear and I was worrying myself sick over it. I, of course, had seen the evidence – the bruising – with my own eyes and it unleashed a hatred inside of me for him that I never knew could possibly exist. Even if I hadn't seen the marks this deranged piece of shit had left on her skin, even if she'd only told me what the fuck he did to her, it wouldn't have made me want to fucking kill him any less.

Oh, I still wanted to go and find him, break every bone in his motherfucking body and have him hurting physically as much as he'd hurt her, but she deserved a better man than that.

It felt amazing for her to want me there, even if she didn't admit it to everyone else. Once she looked into my eyes; once our bodies touched, I knew. I knew I was the only one she wanted with her, and I submersed myself in her.

Like the idiot that I was, however, I almost ruined everything with my little temper tantrum. Telling her she was being stupid, and that she would ruin her life and mine? What kind of an A-one dick says that shit to someone who was hurting as badly as she was, let alone someone they love? Jesus, Cullen, you need to control yourself. Looking at her, watching her fall apart because of something I'd said to her was un-fucking-acceptable. I had to make it right. I couldn't do anything to help her if I'd continued to be a jealous idiot when she wasn't even really mine. She had to know that she could trust me, that I would never do or say anything to intentionally hurt her.

I wasn't as concerned about the news story regarding the waste of human flesh in the park that hurt that poor woman. It was horrible, but this was Chicago, no different than any other very large city and shit like that just happened unfortunately. It just seemed a little too close to home and definitely not something Bella should've been privy to because suddenly, she went from serene to fucking tempestuous in a matter of seconds. I guessed my underdeveloped brain didn't think she was freaking out enough, though, so when she questioned me, I took my insecurities out on her. I thought about asking Emmett to beat my ass, but then visualized him having way too much fun with it, and thought better of it.

I was an asshole for allowing things to get completely out of hand in her state of mind. I should've denied her and simply made her get the rest she desperately needed, but fucking shit, she was turning me on and I couldn't…I couldn't deny her. My dick was loving every second of her rubbing and grinding against me, begging me to let it out as it strained and pulsed uncomfortably against my jeans. I was going to do it, I was going to give in and let her have her way with me, but it deflated immediately when she showed signs of pain and I had to stop her.

Part of me knew that she only wanted the good physical contact with me to counteract the awful things the douche bag had done to her. Still, I was determined to make her forget, and to forget myself…if only for a few moments. It took all the remaining power I had in me to let her go that night. The thought of her being subjected to anymore of his maniacal bullshit killed me inside, but I left the biggest part of my heart with her.

When I picked up Kellan from my parents' house that evening, Esme read the stress on my face like an open book and tried to soothe me with her gentle nature. She placed a hand on each of my cheeks and kissed my forehead as a mother would kiss the hurt away from her child.

"Honey, is everything okay?" She asked in a low voice as Kellan waited at the door with his arms crossed and his backpack on. I shook my head subtly and clenched my jaw. "What is it? Your patient?" Compassion poured from her eyes as she studied my face warily.

My tenderhearted mother was always worrying about me. If she only knew the hurt I'd caused others…Bella. It hadn't taken me long to realize that if I hadn't agreed to join her at the park, pressed her to come to my place that night; if I hadn't lost myself in the parking garage, Jake would never have known. Maybe he would never have hurt her. I should have left her well enough alone the night I took her home from the bar and none of this shit would've been happening. Then again, I couldn't be sorry for wanting her. I couldn't be sorry for kissing her, touching her body; I could never be sorry for loving her because if I was, Jacob would win. She would still be his, and she's not. She'll never be his again. But is she mine? Fuck!

I needed her so badly, and after hearing how Jacob had more or less set a trap for me the night I cheated on her, I was one step closer to believing I deserved her to be mine. Not that I would've ever fully believed that. I'd broken her heart into a million pieces by fucking another woman meaninglessly in an attempt to satisfy my own uncertainties…when I had the world handed to me on a silver platter. It was something I could never take back and never would deserve her forgiveness for. As much as I wanted it, I would never ask that of her. I would never try to control her; I would never use her as a pawn against somebody else, and I would never, ever raise my hand to her or force myself on her.

He was a loathsome, vile son-of-a-bitch for even thinking that was remotely fucking okay, and I would make him see things my way someday.

"Edward?" Esme tore me from my putrid thoughts. "How is your patient? Is that what's bothering you?" I looked at her befuddled for a moment before I remembered the excuse I'd given her in order to free my afternoon up for Bella.

"Oh no, Mom, it's not that. My patient is fine." I shook my head. She looked even more concerned and I knew I couldn't tell her the truth, so I made something up about being concerned about the board meeting the following morning at the hospital.

"Oh, honey." She placed her hands on my shoulders and squeezed lightly. "Everything will be fine. That's what makes you such a wonderful doctor. You're always so concerned about your patients." She smiled.

"Thanks, Mom." I forced a half-grin and sighed. In reality, I still felt like an incompetent cretin for allowing that baby to lose her life, but Carlisle had reassured me enough that I'd come to realize maybe I was the only one that felt that way. We would see about that soon enough. Regardless, I couldn't tear my mind away from Bella. There was no one I was more concerned about at the moment and I knew, without a doubt, that it was going to be my undoing. I needed to just let it go for a while. I needed to focus on my son, on work and I needed some goddamned sleep.

How could I let it go, though? How could I stop thinking about her, about what she was going through, about what he'd done to her? No fucking way. I couldn't do it. I couldn't just turn it off, so I decided to ask Esme a hypothetical question…a question that Kellan didn't need to hear.

"Hey, little man, can you go see if I left my stethoscope in the kitchen?"

Kel cocked his head to the side. "Your what-ie-what?"

I laughed. "The thing I put in my ears and listen to your heartbeat with. I need to talk to Nana for a minute and…"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." The little smartass rolled his eyes. "It's a grown up thing, I got it." Then he huffed as he walked away from us.

"Edward?" Esme's expression was one of alarm as she studied my face.

"Mom, can I ask you a question?"

"Of course, you can ask me anything. You know that."

I took a deep breath and blew it out. "Would you have married Dad if you didn't love him with every part of yourself?"

She gasped slightly and then collected herself. "I would have to initially say absolutely not, Edward, but everyone is different and everyone's motivations are different." She looked at me stupefied and I knew she was wondering why on earth I would ask her such a thing.

I nodded. "What if you'd married someone else because Dad had done something terrible? Would you ever forgive him?" This only served to increase her befuddlement, but she thoughtfully contemplated my question, and then nodded.

"I would hope so…eventually. Again, honey, it would depend on what that terrible thing was and every situation is different."

I knew what she was doing, being vague in order for me to give her more details of why I was asking her this incredibly strange line of questions, but I couldn't do it. My mind, however, was screaming its answer to her. I fucking cheated on her and lost her to an undeserving asshole! I nodded again in response and furrowed my brow. Esme took my hand in hers and squeezed gently. "I'm not sure why you're asking me these things, Edward, but I know that if I was in that predicament and I never forgave, let's say, Carlisle for something he'd done; then I married someone else while still having feelings for your father…I would be miserable every day of my life."

I wasn't sure how to dissect what she was saying to me. I wasn't sure if Bella was miserable because of what I'd done, or what Jake had done. I wasn't fucking sure of anything anymore and my eyes must have reflected all of that.

"Love is a peculiar emotion, though," she continued. "It's powerful, but confusing all at the same time."

"What do you mean?" I cleared my throat, trying to keep my voice steady.

"I think…" She looked up toward the ceiling, then back to me, again contemplating. "…that a lot of times other things are misinterpreted as love."

"Like a close friendship." I finished her thought for her.

"Yes." She smiled, and then cupped my cheek gently. "Edward, I can't help but think that this is something personal to you. You know you can talk to me if there was something you needed to get off your chest."

I wanted to tell her everything. I knew that I could trust her completely; that she would love me no matter what had happened or what I'd done. I also knew, however, that if I kept going, not only would I expose myself, but I would expose Bella as well and I couldn't possibly do that to her. "Thanks, Mom, I know, but I'm fine really." I hesitated a moment, but I desperately needed her opinion on something, a sort of validation for my feelings, so I continued. "But, Mom, can I ask you one more thing?"

"Of course you can."

"Could you do me a favor, though, and not mention any of this to Dad?"

She seemed taken aback, but nodded. "Okay."

"Hypothetically, if Dad would've ever, uh, put his hands on you, to hurt you…t—to control you…" I sighed and ran my hands through my hair, cursing myself for not remaining as stoic as I'd planned. I grit my teeth and continued, "Would you have stayed with him?"

She blinked her eyes and shook her head, almost as if she was in shock. "Edward, what's this about? What's going on, Sweetheart? Who—"

"Please, Mom." I felt myself crumbling inside. I should've never asked her this, but I had to know, so I continued. "She's just like you. She's smart, level headed, full of compassion; she loves her k—kids more than anything in this world. I—I know that if you would leave, then there's hope that she might as well." I grabbed two fistfuls of my hair and turned away from Esme. I dropped my hands to my sides with a thud as I spoke lowly. "And I've never loved anyone more in my life, but—"

"But she's in a terrible situation," she whispered and I felt her hand touch my back. I turned to her with tears filling my eyes and nodded.

"Oh, Edward, I would. I would leave, but this is…this is—"

"It's bad, Mom," I whispered, interrupting her. She just stared at me, her eyes searching mine. Suddenly her hand flew to her mouth, covering another gasp.

"Oh no, oh my God, Edward, it's Bella isn't it? Bella?" she whispered.

Fuck! You fucking moron, I berated myself, you just screwed up again, betrayed her trust. You better get on your fucking knees right now and beg, plead for her to keep her mouth shut. I stared back at her. I was unsure of how she figured it out, but then I remembered how she'd taken dinner to her house…the cast…she must have been thinking…shit, I didn't have time to explain everything. "Please, Mom, I'm begging you. Please don't say anything to anyone. Please don't say anything to Carlisle." I pleaded with more than just my voice. My eyes, my whole godforsaken body was pleading with her. Then realization flitted across her face.

"Edward, you didn't…you can't…what did you do?" Her tone wasn't accusing as much as it was completely dumbfounded.

"I fu—I messed up with her, Mom, a long time ago, but he…he doesn't deserve her. And now, he's hurting her." I sat on the sofa and placed my head in my hands as I felt Esme sit next to me and place a loving hand on my shoulder.

"My God," she whispered, "has he hurt the kids too?"

"No!" I snapped my head up to look at her. "No way, he wouldn't. He knows she doesn't want him anymore, that's why he hurt her and…and it's my fault."

She squeezed my shoulder. "She has to get out, Edward, but you have to stop this until she does. You can't influence her decisions for herself and her kids, honey," she whispered. I didn't respond. "You understand?" I nodded tensely. I didn't need her to elaborate on what it was she was telling me to stop. I probably should have been ashamed, but I wasn't; I couldn't be ashamed of loving her. "Do you want me to talk to her, mother to mother?"

I almost choked on my own saliva. "What? No! Mom," I sighed, "I appreciate that, but Bella would kill me. She's never to know I even told you, please." I started to panic, praying that I could trust Esme. She nodded, her eyes full of complete understanding.

"Ahem!" I heard his little voice as he cleared his throat. "What do ya know," he blurted in a sassy tone. "No what-cha-ma-call-it-scope in the kitchen." I jumped up and turned to him quickly, smiling as he always seemed to bring me comic relief.

"Well, did you get Grandad's wrench out and open up the pipe under the sink? That's where it must be." I smirked and Kellan rolled his eyes.

"Daaaaaaad!" He groaned. "It's not either because it's sticking out of your pocket." He pointed, furrowing his little brow and I laughed.

"Oops."

"Can we go home now?" He huffed.

"Oh yes, absolutely." It was my turn to roll my eyes. "Video games await, your excellence. You better get your little smart butt over here first and give your Nana some love for putting up with you all afternoon."

"Come here my precious boy," Esme cooed and held her arms open. Kellan ran to her and jumped up to hug her with a squeal.

I leaned down and kissed my mother on the cheek before whispering in her ear, "Thank you, Mom, but I'm trusting you here, so please…"

She nodded and gave me a squeeze. "You have my word, honey. Just be careful."

XXXX

I dreamt of Bella that night. It was bound to happen, the nightmare that ensued after my ridiculous fucking thoughts kept me awake well after the midnight hour. Kellan was more or less exhausted after he "rocked out" so he said, and I allowed him to kick my ass in Rock Band once again, so he was out soon after. I subsequently tossed and turned for more than two motherfucking hours, got up and poured myself a couple shots of Crown hoping it would help me sleep, then proceeded to toss and turn some more before I finally fell asleep.

She was standing on the beach with him. Our fucking beach and she had this look of pity on her face as she stared at me. Jacob wore an evil smirk and the hatred we had for one another was so thick in the air that it smoked and curled around us.

"She's mine, Edward," he snarled as he wrapped an arm around her protectively. As if I was the monster…the one to be feared by her.

I was fucking seething and I could feel it clear down to my bones. As I took a step toward them, Jacob growled in a possessive, animalistic way and Sam stepped out of the shadows flanking him to his right, gun drawn.

"Sam?" I said, confused. "This has nothing to do with you. It's between us." I motioned between Bella, Jake and myself, but Sam shook his head. He remained mute, staring me down as Jake let out a bellowing but menacing laugh.

"You see? There's nothing you can do about it. She's mine; she's always been mine, and she'll always be mine."

"No," I said through clenched teeth. "Bella? Bella, please, tell him you love me. Tell him you want to be with me."

Her face changed to that of stone, but her eyes still held pity and sadness as she touched Jacob's torso with her left hand. "Edward," she started, but I shook my head in defiance of what she was about to say.

"No," I said, my voice betraying me as it shook. "No! Tell him!"

"Edward," she said again, "I can't be with you, Edward. I have to stay with Jacob."

"Why?" I searched her eyes, but they would reveal nothing more.

"Because you cheated on me, Edward. You hurt me, broke my heart so long ago and Jacob, he saved me. He put me back together after what you did." Her voice wasn't shaking. She wasn't trembling with the emotion that I felt coursing through me. The emotion that was overtaking me.

"He didn't save you. That's a fucking lie and you know it!" I felt myself coming apart at the seams. "He cheated on you too! He hurt you, Bella, more than I ever did. Why can't you see that?"

"He loves me, Edward," she said soberly. "He did all of that out of love because I pushed him away. He knew I was hurting because of you."

"He told you that? He's a fucking liar!" I screamed. My body was quaking. Nothing was making any sense. "You can't believe a word he says, Bella, please." She didn't respond, only stared back at me with dead eyes.

"Son." I suddenly heard my father's voice in my ear, but strangely, it didn't startle me. "It's time to let her go," Carlisle continued. "She's made her choice."

"It's the wrong goddamned choice!" I screamed again and Jacob and Sam erupted into laughter. I felt my feet beginning to sink into the sand. I tried to move forward to get to her, to take her from him, but I couldn't move.

"Game over," Jacob snarled through his grin. "I win, you lose."

"Fuck you, Jake! Bella…Bella, please!" I begged, but she turned her back to me. I continued to sink as the sand swallowed my calves and knees.

"Let her go, Edward, free yourself," Carlisle said in a gentle voice. I felt nothing but pure panic.

"No! I can't let her go. Bella!" The sand continued to swallow me whole as it seeped up toward my chest. I wondered where my friends were. They were nowhere in sight. No one was there to pull me out of the hole I was sinking into. The sand turned black; the black hole was overtaking me and I couldn't fucking breathe.

"Shh, it's okay, I'm here." I heard a familiar female voice and looked up. A sea of flaming red hair came down around me as she pressed her face closer to mine.

"I don't want you, Victoria. I never have wanted you." I turned my face from hers, but could feel her hot breath in my ear.

"You liked it when I fucked you that night," she whispered. "You wanted me then."

"No I didn't," I growled. "Leave me the fuck alone! Bella!" I cried out, "Bella, please come back." The sand was now up to my neck and I couldn't even struggle anymore. I was paralyzed. "You said you just needed time," I cried. "You said after the holidays. Bella!"

"I had enough time to think, Edward." I heard her voice and gasped. She sounded so distant, like a ghost whispering on the wind. "I can't leave him. He's my husband and he needs me. I can't tear my family apart for you."

"No," I whispered one last time, defeated.

"Let her go, baby." Victoria's voice was like nails on a chalkboard to me and I cringed as he ran her fingertips through my hair. "Let her go and you'll stop sinking. She's gone. She doesn't want you anymore, but I do. I'll be yours forever, Edward."

I gasped for air as I snarled back at her. "I don't want you! I want her and I'll never stop wanting her." The darkness covered me then as Victoria's face vanished. Everything vanished and I was left with nothing…nothing but the ominous, oppressing blackness that forced its way into my body until I became a part of it.

I woke up gasping and looked around. "Jesus Christ," I spoke out loud and grabbed a fistful of my hair. "What the fuck was that?" I was definitely not one to analyze dreams because – come on – the brain is a fucked up organ to say the least. It was probably the shots I took before I laid down, thinking like a genius that it would help me sleep. Obviously that didn't help. Maybe I should write myself a fucking prescription for Prozac.

The only thing I could gather from the outrageous bullshit that obviously came from my own head, was that I was terrified to lose her, terrified she would think about it, then choose to stay with him instead of me. I knew she needed time and I knew I had to let her make this decision, like Esme said, but goddamn it, I wanted her now.

During breakfast that morning, Kellan was eyeing me as if I'd sprouted another head overnight. "What?" I asked with a hint of sarcasm.

"You okay, Dad?" Kellan asked, and then smirked. If he wasn't so cute, I would've wanted to smack him.

"I'm good, little man, why do you ask?"

He chuckled a little, and then responded, "Because it sounded like monsters were trying to get you last night!"

I felt my face fucking drain of all the blood. "Really?" I asked, feigning ignorance. "Didn't you come in and check on your old man?"

"Uh, no," he stated wide eyed.

"Well, why not?" I teased, trying to keep the atmosphere light. "I might have needed help with fighting off the monster." He furrowed his little brow and puckered his lips, annoyed.

"First of all, Dad, I'm a little kid, and little kids do not fight monsters very well. At all. Second of all, you were freaking me out, dude." I let out another chuckle before he continued, halting my laughter abruptly. "Your monster's name is Bella, right? That's not a very scary sounding name for a monster, Dad."

My mouth fell open and I struggled to form a coherent statement. "Uh…B—Bella?"

"Yeah." He tilted his head to the side. "You were, like, yelling about her or something. Oh, hey! I bet we could use the monster spray in your room, Dad. Remember? Like we did in my room."

I smiled, remembering the time Kellan was convinced there was a monster in his room and I took the can of Lysol in – claiming it was monster spray – and proceeded to rid his room of the menacing beast. God bless this kid, always able to bring me up from the quicksand. Then I shuddered as I thought of sinking into the sand in my nightmare. "Monster Spray," I said amused. "Sure thing, Kiddo."

"Except it doesn't work on zombies," he said, clearly on a roll with his supernatural problem solving ideas.

"Uh, zombies?" I asked with a quirked eyebrow. Some of the shit this kid came up with was beyond me.

"Yeah, zombies," he continued, chewing on a piece of waffle. "You can't kill a zombie with Monster Spray. You have to shoot them in the head with, like, a big gun."

My mouth fell open. What the fuck? Something about my eight year old discussing zombies, let alone shooting them in the head, didn't fucking sit well with me and it had Rosalie's ignorant ass written all over it. "And just what do you know about killing zombies?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

"Well, that's what they did in that movie, Zombieland."

I smirked. He sure as fuck didn't watch that shit with me. "Oh, you've seen that movie, huh?" I asked, trying to hide my distaste.

"Uh-huh." He nodded.

"With who?" I didn't even need to ask, but I wanted to confirm that his mother was, in fact, a complete moron.

"With Mom. She borrowed it from her friend, James, I think." He rolled his eyes and I clenched my fist under the table reflexively.

"James?" I asked through clenched teeth.

"Yeah, he came over the other night and brought it for Mom."

Are you fucking kidding me? This crazy prick now knows where my kid lives?

"Did he stay?" My teeth were grinding against one another, but I kept my voice as pleasant as possible.

"Not very long." He shrugged. "He shook my hand and then talked to Mom for a couple minutes. Then he left."

"I see," I said, forcing a small smile. I'm going to kill her, I'm going to fucking kill her, I repeated in my head. A, for letting that motherfucking psycho around my child, and B, for letting him watch a movie that is clearly inappropriate. Stupid goddamned bitch.

"I don't like him very much," Kellan said with an annoyed tone, breaking me from my homicidal thoughts.

"Oh? Why's that?" I responded smugly.

"I dunno," he shrugged again. "I've seen him at the hospital where Granddad works before and he just seems weird to me. Plus, he has really long hair. It's gross."

I laughed out loud and told him he was the smartest kid I knew. He humbly agreed. Jesus, even an eight-year-old could see that James was a creepy motherfucker.

XXXX

Another sleepless night proved to be brutal as I slept-walked my way through another day seeing patient after patient. I had to slam down multiple coffees just to keep my fucking eyes open and, as usual, this wasn't lost on Heidi. She pulled me to the side on one of those mind-numbing days and asked me if everything was alright. The look on her face after I'd said I was fine told me she wasn't buying the bullshit I was selling her, so I decided to give in a little.

The subject of my extracurricular activity with Bella was obviously off limits, so I chose to tell her about my interesting conversation with Kel and the creepy asshole that worked with my father – who was blatantly trying to fucking piss me off by messing around with my family. She really didn't have much advice to offer, and that was fine with me. Instead, she patted my back sweetly and said she knew how my baby mama was, and that if I needed to vent, I knew where she worked. I laughed and gave her a squeeze, thanking her for brightening my day a little.

My benevolence didn't last, however, and I found myself struggling again that night. The urge to call Bella was so strong in me, that I was like a fucking heroin addict going through withdrawals. I dialed her number what felt like a hundred times and hung up, like a damned teenager with a crush, until I finally broke down and called Alice.

"You just have to be patient with her, Edward. She's alive and she's okay." She tried to reassure me, but I didn't feel any better. "Look, my sister is stubborn, Edward. I think you know this. I'm working on her, but she's going to need to do this her way. We don't get it, you and I, but we're not tied down like she is right now."

"What if she stays, Alice? I can't lose her again." I huffed.

"I know my sister," she snapped back. "She's too smart to stay in this marriage. You just need to give her some credit, and some time. She has to do this on her own. But, I know that she wants you. She needs you, no matter what. No matter what happens, you have to be strong for her, Edward. Don't disappoint me," she warned and I smiled into the receiver.

"You're the best sister, you know that, Tink?" She agreed and giggled in response. "Please do me a favor, though," I continued. "Don't tell her I called you. I don't want anymore added stress on her coming from me." She promised me that she would keep it to herself before we ended the call.

Still, my mind drifted back to her and to him, to my nightmare from fucking hell, and I needed to forget for a while. I needed to numb my mind of all this bullshit. I needed to drink…heavily. I needed a night out away from my life, so I dialed the only person that would guarantee me a night of alcohol induced obscurity…Emmett.

"Dickwad!" His thoughtful greeting put an instant smile on my face. "To what do I owe this fucking honor?" he mocked.

"Cut the shit, Emmett." I tried to sound annoyed, but couldn't help the chuckle that escaped me.

"What? What the fuck did I say?" Classic Emmett.

"Nothing, man, what's going on?" I asked, amused.

"Oh you know, dude, the usual. Makin' money…makin' girls scream my name."

"Yeah right!" I scoffed. "In other words, you've been holed up in your apartment watching 'Taladega Nights' on repeat!"

"Whatever. Fuck you dude, I love that fucking movie. You can't hang with my shit anyway. You know why? 'Cause I wake up every morning and I piss excellence!" He tried out a seriously bad southern accent, and I laughed the fuck out loud at his random quote from the movie. "What's going on with you, Doctor Love? Oh, hey, speaking of love…" he snickered and I braced myself because I knew what he was getting ready to bring up. "How's your married girlfriend?" Son-of-a-bitch. "Did you tell her about Open Mic Night? I swear to God, Jazz gets a fucking boner every time he thinks about it and Alice!" He guffawed. "Did you find out if they're coming? I trust there'll be someone coming for me."

Goddamn, he's such a Neanderthal. I could picture his eyebrows wiggling up and down as he patted himself on the back for his clever, yet disgusting play on words.

"No, Emmett, I haven't," I growled as my mood had suddenly shifted back to hostile.

"Well, why not? You know girls have to plan this shit out well in advance…take a fucking week to get ready and shit. You better get on it, Edwina." When my only response was a frustrated sigh, he finally seemed to catch on. "Dude, what the hell is up with you, man? Hello?"

I pinched the bridge of my nose until it hurt and sighed again before responding. "Seriously, Em, just a shit storm of fucked-up-ness right now."

"Whoa, sounds heavy. Alright, talk to me, Bro."

"Nah, man, I just really need to get out. You and Jazz up for it maybe Saturday night?"

He chuckled lightly. "Oh damn, Doctor wants to drown something. Alright, man. Jazz and I were talking about getting together to practice on Saturday anyway. So, if you're up for that I think we can work something out."

"Okay, fine." I agreed, wishing I could feel more excited about this band thing.

"Oh hey, man, I forgot to tell you I got a hold of Garrett. He just moved back and he wants to do this. He's gonna play with us, dude! All the originals…we're back!"

"Oh no way!" Suddenly my mood brightened slightly. I'd grown up with Garrett, went to high school with him. He was one of my best friends and a former band member of ours, although he didn't stay with our group for more than about a year.

A few years back, he'd moved to Kansas City chasing a job and I'd talked to him once, maybe twice since then. Maybe this band thing would work out after all. "I haven't seen him in a long ass time. That's great, man."

"So, where do you want to go Saturday night, Edwina?" It didn't take him long to get back to his vexatious self.

"I don't give a fuck, Emmett, anywhere but Moonstruck, and no strip clubs." Jesus, I really didn't need that kind of fuckery right now. "I just want to drink…a fucking lot."

Emmett chuckled like the buffoon that he was and said, "Alright, you know we can make that happen for you, brother," before we ended the call.

XXXX

Knowing I still had a while before I could possibly see her and also knowing that I'd have to wait another whole day of agony before I could fill my black hole with alcohol, I let myself slip into another bout of gloom. Christ, my own mood swings were giving me fucking whiplash.

I was amazed to say the very least when she called me. She told me she missed me and it made my body quake with longing, frustration and fear. I tried to keep things light, to tease her and make my voice cheery. However, I knew I needed to keep from influencing her decisions, so I was very careful in choosing my words and my silence was telling. I had hoped that I didn't upset her, but nonetheless, she seemed concerned and confused. I couldn't help myself but to let her know she was my fucking world, so after the call ended, I sent her a text to make her understand that I missed the hell out of her too.

Finally, Friday came along. After dropping Kellan off at school, I called the dipshit that gave birth to him and reamed her ass. She responded in her typical Rosalie-sarcastic bitch-Hale fashion, telling me I was overreacting, that James was no more dangerous than I was, and that Kellan was "old enough" to know that monsters weren't real, so I needed to "get over myself." Fucking stupid bitch. I responded by letting her know that she was on thin motherfucking ice with me and if I so much as caught wind of her doing anything inappropriate around my son; if she brought that piece of shit around him again, she would be paying me child support and having supervised visits with our boy. She shut the fuck up real quick, knowing that if I said I would do something like that…I more than likely would.

After that bullshit, I was bound and determined to do whatever it took to get Bella alone today. Unfortunately, my relentless patients had other ideas for me.

When I finally had a break, it was smack dab in the middle of Bella's appointment time, so I formulated a plan to get into my father's office without seeming suspicious. He could never resist coffee and bagels, therefore I hustled my ass down the street.

I should've known that my next appointment would be more time-consuming than I'd hoped.

"I'm not crazy, Doctor Cullen!" Sarah Masten blurted out as she sat across from me, patting the back of her fussing newborn son compulsively. She'd come in for her standard six-week checkup after giving birth, and was showing the classic signs of post partum depression. The dark circles under her eyes and the sudden mood swings were tell-tale signs that she needed something to help her take the edge off.

"I know you're not crazy, Sarah," I responded in my charismatic doctor voice. This seemed to calm her a bit. "Do you have anyone to help you? Your husband perhaps, or a family member?" She seemed a little bit dazed – not unusual given her obvious lack of rest – as she continued to stare at me, and then snapped out of it.

"My husband works nights," she responded with a sudden quirked eyebrow as she eyed me up and down.

Oh hell no. "Okay, someone else then?" I said professionally.

She looked a little rejected before responding, "I—I'll call my mother."

"Great," I replied with a smile, and then wrote her a quick prescription for some safe anti-anxiety meds, gave her the standard speech about not holding off on asking for help when she needed it, and promptly sending her on her way.

I was pressed for time and I knew if I didn't hurry, I'd miss Bella altogether. Instead of waiting for the god-awful, slow elevators, I made my way to the stairwell and took two stairs at a time up the two flights to the fifth floor. I checked in with Irina in Carlisle's office, who told me I'd just missed Bella and could probably catch her at the elevators – making a joke about how they were the slowest things on the planet. I nodded quickly, and then leaned in, whispering under my breath that Carlisle didn't need to know I came by. To this, she quirked an eyebrow suspiciously, but when I winked back, she only smiled and nodded.

I rushed to the elevators, but didn't see her. Sighing in defeat, I pressed the down arrow and ran my hand through my hair. I realized that the stairs might've been quicker and I might've been able to still catch her. Then, I heard a small, strange sound and turned my head slightly, but dismissed it. As I was turning to head back toward the stairwell, I glanced to my left into a sort-of storage hallway where, far in the back, the service elevators were located. What I saw stopped me in my tracks. My stomach jumped up into my fucking throat and I was paralyzed for a split second.

That weasel prick, waste of goddamned oxygen, James, had his fucking hands on her, on my girl, and just like that, everything turned blood red. I had tunnel vision with two main objectives: get her the fuck away from him…and then he was a dead man.

He was shaking his hand and cursing as he dragged her backward. She was fucking struggling and seemed to be trying to reason with him, quietly repeating his name. She turned her head, seeing me and her eyes widened, then filled up with tears. She mouthed 'Edward' with panic in her eyes, but I was already three-fourths of the way there. Motherfucker was too busy with his nose shoved into her neck telling her to shut up to see me coming.

"Get your fucking hands OFF her!" I growled right before I reached up, grabbed him by the nasty pony tail and flung him to the floor with a loud thud. I fisted his shirt and slammed him back down onto the floor, his head meeting the hard tile with a sickening splat. He groaned in pain as I leaned down and snarled into his face. "What the fuck did I tell you, cocksucker?" Then I whispered, "You're a dead motherfucker."

His eyes widened in fear, but quickly narrowed to a glare as I stood up and quickly turned around. Bella was more important to me at the moment. I ran to her and pulled her to me, wrapping my arms around her as she buried her face into my chest. I put my hands on her cheeks and pulled her face to mine. "Are you okay?" I asked breathlessly as I took a step back and looked her over. Her body was trembling, but she nodded quickly.

"Yeah, I think so. I—I'm okay."

Apparently, my threats, not to mention the body slams weren't good enough for this little prick because the next thing I knew, he'd kidney punched me from behind.

"Oh!" Bella screeched and jumped backward.

Although I barely felt it – because he's a pussy – it pissed me the fuck off. "Stay back," I warned Bella and she stumbled backward as her eyes widened even further in fear. I turned in a fury and grabbed the fucker around the throat, slamming him up against the wall. "You can't be this fucking stupid," I growled through my teeth as I watched his face begin to change colors.

"Edward, stop!" Bella cried from behind me, but I was too far gone. He'd crossed the motherfucking line for the last time.

"F…fuck you, C…ullen," James sputtered through his gasps, his saliva spraying into my face. I hated his fucking weasel voice, so I silenced him by slamming my free fist into his gut repeatedly, eliciting painful groans from his still snarling lips. He was flailing his arms – trying to punch me – and kicking me in the shins as his feet were inches above the ground. But then, the fucker reached up and clawed the side of my face, like a goddamned girl. I felt his jagged nail dig into the corner of my eye and it felt like a knife. I hissed like an animal in pain because the shit hurt, and then punched him harder, knowing I'd cracked at least one rib. I wasn't satisfied.

Warmth trickled down the side of my face and I knew I was bleeding, but I didn't care. Suddenly his hands dropped, but he was still struggling, fumbling with something. I heard Bella gasp behind me. "He's reaching into his pocket Edward!" Just as he pulled out a pen – I assumed to stab me with – I threw him to the floor again. The asshole quickly scrambled to his feet, wincing in pain, and turned to face me wearing a menacing sneer.

"Come on, pussy," I snarled and waved him toward me.

"Edward, stop," Bella pleaded from behind me. "Please, Edward, let's just go."

"No fucking way," I spat. "Somebody needs to learn a lesson."

"You should listen to your little girlfriend, Doctor Junior," James said smugly and out of breath, clutching his side. His head was cocked to the side and he was glaring at me. I wanted to rip him apart limb by limb.

"FUCK you, James," I yelled, no longer giving a rat's motherfucking ass who heard me. "Now…you going to hit me or not, little girl?" That did it and he went flying at me. I didn't move; I stood there like a stone as he rammed his fist into the side of my mouth. I had to admit, the bastard had a pretty decent right hook. I spit the blood from my split bottom lip on the floor and looked at him. He seemed shocked that I didn't fall, but even more shocked as I cocked my arm back, then let it fly, slamming my fist into his jaw. His head flew to the side and he stumbled backward onto his ass with an umph.

"Aaagh! I'm going to fucking kill you, Cullen!" he screamed, spitting out a bloody tooth as he crawled to his feet, swaying slightly. Just then, I heard trampling feet and looked past him as two figures emerged from around the corner, Irina and Carlisle. Perfect.

I smiled wickedly, knowing they'd heard the threat James had just made to me, as I looked at my father. Irina gasped and covered her mouth. "Edward, what the hell?" Carlisle muttered, shaking his head.

"Call security," I said through gritted teeth, "And get a fucking gurney. He's going to need it." I knew that the only people who would be able to stop me from killing him were the security guards.

"Edward, NO!" Carlisle yelled, but James bolted toward me. "Go!" Carlisle ordered Irina, who turned and ran down the hall. James tackled me around the waist, causing me to stumble backward and hit the wall behind me. "James!" Carlisle's pleads were doing no good to either of us.

I hadn't heard anything from Bella the last few seconds and my mind wondered if she'd left, unable to stand it any longer, or if she'd stayed to continue to witness this. Part of me hoped she'd taken off.

I kneed the little prick in his stomach and he doubled over, so I grabbed him by the pony tail and pulled his head up to look at me. "Don't you ever put your fucking hands on her again. Do you understand me, James?" I seethed through my teeth. The piece of shit grinned at me, his lips curled back wickedly as blood dripped from his mouth and he showed me his crimson-drenched teeth.

"What? You going to kill me in front of everyone, asshole?" He sneered, but dropped his smile when I nodded once.

"My motherfucking pleasure." I dropped his head and brought my knee up forcefully at the same time. I heard the revolting sound – as well as the gasp from my girl, I guess she stayed – as it came in contact with his face. He flew backward, blood spraying into the air from his newly broken nose, which he covered quickly with his hand and screamed in pain. He relentlessly came back at me again and I punched him, knocking him to the floor.

"Stop this, NOW!" Carlisle screamed, knowing full well not to touch me or get in between us if he didn't want to get hurt. I followed James to the floor as he grasped for my throat, trying to get a grip on it, and cracked my fist against his face again.

"Edward, please stop!" I heard Bella cry again. "You're…you're going to get fired, or…or go to jail, please!" But I couldn't stop. I punched him again and again until he ceased movement, no longer in control of myself. "I…I can't lose you like this, Edward, please!"

I stopped. My chest was heaving as I stared at James' bloody face. I was stunned that Bella had revealed her feelings in front of Carlisle that way. Any questions of her intentions with me were gone and at that moment, I knew she wanted me and only me. It would be a bumpy road, but whatever the outcome, I knew I would never stop trying to protect her.

I was actually relieved when the two sets of hands connected to the burly security guards pulled me up and off of James. Bella ran to me and wrapped her arms around my torso, burying her nose in my chest and running her hands up and down my back. This definitely caught my dick's attention, until I noticed Carlisle glaring at me. Fuck.

"I w…want h…him arrested," James sneered, barely fucking coherent as the security guards helped him to his wobbly feet. He couldn't even stand; the security guards had to hold him up. Good, motherfucker deserved it. "H…he attacked m—me f…or no rrrreason!" His mouth was so swollen, he could barely talk.

"Bullshit!" I roared and started toward him again when Bella grabbed my arm to stop me.

"Sir," she addressed one of the guards, and then pointed to James. "This man tried to attack me. Edward was just protecting me. He…saved me." My heart felt as if it could explode out of my chest when I looked down to meet her eyes of blue fire, burning into me.

"Not true," the weasel piped up again, "I was only trying to talk to h—her, and she frea…she freaked out on me!"

"Shut the FUCK up, James!" I growled.

"Edward." Carlisle addressed me sternly, like I was a fucking kid. "What were you thinking? Have you lost your mind?" To everyone else, he seemed to be talking about my beating James to a pulp, but I knew his questions were two-fold as I watched his eyes dart from me to Bella and back to me. I played along.

"Did you not hear her, Carlisle? He tried to attack her! I warned him once, but he doesn't fucking listen." I glared at James, who was still spouting his ridiculous, barely audible protest as the guards helped him onto the gurney held by Irina, who was staring – wide eyed – in shock. One of the guards asked Carlisle if they should call the cops, to which Carlisle shook his head and replied that he would take care of that.

"Take him to the ER," he said to Irina. "Make sure there's no permanent damage." He glared at me.

"I told you he was dangerous, Carlisle." I hissed.

"Oh, sure, Edward," he spat. "That's exactly what it looks like to me and everyone else."

"What! You're going to believe that fucking pri—" I began to yell again until I was interrupted by Bella.

"It's true, Doctor Cullen," she spoke softly, addressing him formally, nervously. "He wanted to and would have hurt me, I know it. H—he was trying to drag me off somewhere where no one would see us."

Carlisle sighed and studied her face briefly before responding. "Well, then you should probably go to the police, Bella. Unfortunately, there's nothing I could do for you but testify about what I saw here with my own eyes. It's his word against yours in that matter. You should start by filing a restraining order."

I glared at my father. "Nothing you can do?" I spouted off again. "How about firing the sick bastard?"

"You go home, Edward! I have to try and save your job and keep you out of jail for this. Bella, could you excuse us, please. I need to speak to my son." She nodded, but I protested forcefully.

"No. I'm not leaving her. She doesn't leave this spot alone."

He sighed and rubbed his temples. "Edward, she'll be fine, you—"

"I SAID no. I'm not fucking leaving her," I growled. He shook his head for a few seconds, and then told the guards it was fine for them to go.

"Just go home, both of you. I'll talk to you later." He glared at me with his jaw tensed He then turned and stalked off, shaking his head and mumbling under his breath. Bella stared at me, her expression unreadable, but she was clearly shaken. I walked over to her slowly and ran my hands up and down her arms gently.

"I'm so sorry about all of this, Bella. I should've gotten to you sooner."

She shook her head. "It's not your fault, Edward." I nodded my head slightly but unconvincingly. I had to agree to disagree with her on that. My mind flooded with thoughts of what she'd just gone through and what she went through with Jake. Why couldn't these fucking assholes keep their hands off her? Why couldn't I seem to keep her out of harm's way? I let out an exasperated breath and began gently touching her all over.

"Are you okay? Jesus Christ, I'm so sorry." I felt my throat begin to close up and the panic setting in. I was terrified that she was angry with me for not being there for her; for beating the shit out of James – which I would never be sorry for – and I didn't know what else to do other than methodically check her body for injuries. Suddenly, she grabbed my face with both hands, the fingertips of her casted hand trailed along my left cheek.

"Edward, look at me." I obeyed. I felt myself immediately getting lost in her deep blue oceans. "I'm fine, really, I'm fine," she said, but her voice still sounded shaky. Then she winced as her eyes traveled over my face. "Oh, baby, you're bleeding." Her fingertips caressed over the deep scratch next to my eye and down to my slightly split bottom lip. I sighed and parted my lips slightly, allowing her gentle fingers to explore my sensitive skin. I winced somewhat when she touched my eye again. "I'm sorry." She dropped her hands and cringed, but I grabbed her hand. "Are you okay?"

I nodded. "It doesn't hurt," I lied, and she smirked, innately intuned to me.

"There's blood all over your lab coat and your pants." She trailed her fingers down the lapel of my coat and sucked that gorgeous bottom lip into her mouth to gnaw on it. Yes, my dick twitched. "My God, Edward!" She gasped as she turned my hand over noting the swollen knuckles, split skin and newly coagulating blood.

"Stop worrying about me, sweet girl," I murmured, pulling her beautiful chin up toward my face.

She grinned. "Well, you worry about me too much, so I can worry about you." She stuck her tongue out at me, teasing, and I laughed. Not to mention, the crotch of my slacks became significantly tighter. Fucking shit, this girl would definitely be the death of me. She pulled my wrecked hand up to her soft lips and began placing gentle, open mouth kisses on my wounds. Jesus, it felt so fucking good and I couldn't help myself as I reached my arm around her body and lifted her up to me. She giggled as I tickled her ribs and struggled playfully, but suddenly fell silent as she gazed into my eyes. The expression on her face was so incredibly intense that I felt like my entire body would burst into flames. She wrapped her legs around my waist as I leaned into her and captured her lips in mine. She moaned against my mouth and mumbled, "I missed you so damned much today."

"I know me too," I whispered. "I'm so sorry, baby."

She shushed me by darting her tongue into my mouth suddenly. That was when I heard footsteps coming down the hallway. I knew I needed to get us out of sight and quickly, so I scanned our surroundings. My eyes stopped when I noticed the silver doors of one of the service elevators just across from us. I sat her down on her feet and she looked at me confused. "We have to go, someone's coming," I muttered quickly and her eyes widened. I grabbed her hand and gave it a light squeeze as I pulled her toward the shiny doors. "Come on, let's go."

XXXX

Chapter end notes, *A/N: Hmm, wonder what's going to happen next? I'm thinking of an Aerosmith song right now, but I refuse to tell you! Haha! Ponder that one, my friends. Alright, you know the drill. I want to know all of your thoughts on this chapter. How 'bout little Kellan, he's such a cutie, huh? Do you think Edward's – sort of – reveal to Esme is going to hurt or help him? I was stoked to bring Emmett back into the mix. He's always a goofball! Oh, and of course…and although I'm speaking to everyone, *dhdirector* I'm especially interested in what you thought of the beat down James received. Don't worry, the good Doc will get his "time" with Jacob. ;-P Okay…get your review on! Until next time…

I have a couple of fic recs for you to check out while anxiously awaiting my next installment of mayhem. The first one is "Rising Star" by FFHopeReborn. It's a post-Breaking Dawn fic centered around Leah. It's amazing and it's a nice break from Edward/Bella drama! Lol! It's rated "T" so not necessarily juicy lemons, but he knows how to steam it up, don't worry! Yes, you read that right, a GUY wrote this…squee! A dude writing Twilight fanfiction. Awesome.

The second one is called "An Engrossing Death" by NTJB, and I must warn you…this one is not for the faint of heart. If you're like me and enjoy a good mind-screw, you'll love this one! It's fantastic and the mind of my friend, NTJB is insanely delicious!