Façade: Through the Eyes of the Codemeister
Chapter Thirty-Seven: Are You Gonna Eat That?
"Oh, Haaaaaroooooold..."
...
"You gotta come out sometime, Haaaaarooooold..."
"Courtney, just give up," I finally said. "It's Chris you want to kill, not Harold."
"Did I ask you?" She returned her attention back to her surroundings. "Come on out, Harold. You gotta eat sometime."
"Um, people have been feeding him," I pointed out.
"WHAT?!"
"I know. Shocker."
"Those… traitors!"
"Yes, because making someone starve is clearly not immoral. Didn't you say once that even pigs deserve a meal?"
"Shut up. Oh, Haaaaaaaroooooooooooold..."
"'Oh, RAAAAAAAVEEEEEEEEEEEENS!!'" Izzy shouted.
Noah looked up at her in astonishment (well, rather negative astonishment) to her randomness. "Really? Really?"
"Hey, I bet DJ or Chef would've found that funny," Izzy defended.
"...Right..." [1]
"Hmmph!" Courtney gave us all menacing glares. "You guys just don't understand. I was cheated out of the money, so--"
"So killing a guy is going to make it all better?" Noah asked intuitively.
She rolled her eyes at us. "I'm not going to kill him. Beat him to a pulp, maybe, but not kill him. What, you wouldn't do that if someone cheated you out of a hundred grand?"
I looked at Noah, who glanced back with indifference. "Not really," I finally said. "I never thought I was going to win the money anyway. I just wanted to meet new people."
"You... you didn't think you were going to win?" she questioned. "Then how come you signed up for the show?"
"I told you: to meet new people. See, I don't really need the money, Court. And if I would've somehow miraculously won, I probably would've given it to a competitor I thought truly deserved it."
Noah gave me a smirk. "Like... Gwen, perhaps?"
"Hey, there's a reason why she's here," I told him. "I don't know what that is, but why else would she be here?"
"...I don't know, maybe someone dared her to do it?" he shrugged.
"Meh, I highly doubt Gwen would go through all this crap because of some dare." Ironic, yes, I know. [2]
"Well, still," Courtney defended, "I came here with the intentions of winning the money, and I don't take kindly to being cheated off."
"Well, I can't exactly know how you feel about this whole thing, but I still feel it's a little too far," I said. "I mean, for God's sake, I'm in a wheelchair! You don't see me wanting to kick that frickin' bear's behind all the way to Vancouver, do you?"
"This is different. I was cheated out--"
"I'm starting to miss the 'I used to be a CIT' moments," Noah interrupted.
"Ugh!" And yet again she stormed off.
"...What's up her ass?" Izzy asked, acting (I doubt she was serious) clueless.
"Maybe she's just on her--"
"Noah, don't even joke!"
"...You're right, I shouldn't go there."
"It's Courtney; she's always PMSing."
I looked at Izzy like she was crazy...er. Crazier. "Izzy, you certainly have a way with taking things lightly."
"Nope. Truth be told, I hate periods. Give me a break! Who does? I mean, you guys are lucky. Very freaking lucky, alright?" She jumped onto the table and started pointing and glaring at us. "I betcha if you were girls, you'd be all 'Oh, sweet! I'm a chick! This is hot! Massage the boobies, massage the boobies, massage the boobies, massage the boo--OH CRAP!! BLOOD!! EVERYWHERE!!' War zone... pain... screams... agony... 'Make it stop, dammit!' Then it ends and you go back to masturbating. It's a very strange cycle."
...
I had to look at Noah, just to see if his expression matched mine. I assumed it did. Eyes big as saucer plates, mouth so wide open you could fit a watermelon inside... Yeah, I think my expression matched his quite well.
"Alright, now if you'll excuse me I've got a fugitive to feed," Izzy announced, jumping off the table and leaving the room.
"...Cody?"
"...Yes, Noah?"
"...I'm beginning to think that we're the only sane ones here."
"Hey, guys?"
I looked up at Tyler, as I'm sure everyone else in the room did when he spoke up.
"Um... no one showed up today."
"Huh." Noah shrugged his shoulders. "Maybe everyone did so terribly, no one person could've been voted off."
"Or, it could've been a free day," I added.
"Actually, you are both wrong."
Our eyes shot to the new voice, or rather, an old one--an all-too-familiar old voice. "Chris?!" Tyler blurt out.
"CHRIS?!" I heard angry stomps as Courtney reentered the room. "I hope you have some good lawyers, you son of a bi--"
"Relax, Courtney. I come in peace," he chuckled. "First of all, since I do realize I may have made a terrible judgment call with your dismissal, I'm going to offer you a chance to come back on the show. Cool?"
"...Oh?"
"Yes." He cleared his throat. "But first thing's first. I have something to say to all of you, so listen up." When he got the attention of everyone in the room, he continued. "Now, I can only imagine that there is some sort of tension among all of you. Some of you don't like each other very much. So I'm going to give you all the chance to remove not one, but TWO people from the Playa des Losers. If you want to get rid of someone you don't like, vote for them to leave the resort. I'll be back tomorrow to see who you have chosen." He held up a makeshift ballot box, which was really an empty Kleenex box. "You can vote for both people, but if you wish to vote for one person or not vote at all, that's your decision. Cody, if you want, since you can't exactly move your arms, would you like me to write down your vote for you?"
"...Um... sure."
"Alright." He pulled out a pen and paper. "Cody, tell me your vote. And to show you guys that I'm being legit, Tyler, watch me write and make sure I don't lie." Wow. Either he's crazy, or he's actually not trying to be sneaky. But wait... there has to be a catch, right? What does this guy have planned? "Now remember, you can vote for anyone that you don't want to see at Playa des Losers anymore. Perhaps you're mad at them, or perhaps you're afraid they'll kill you... doesn't matter, just vote."
"...Um... alright..." I didn't have to think about my first choice at all. "Courtney."
"Hey!"
"Courtney," Chris repeated as he wrote it down. Tyler nodded to confirm that Chris was being truthful in his writing. "And...?"
"...Um..." I really couldn't think of another person I really wanted to kick out. I mean, I had two people in mind, but I didn't hate them or anything. And they were both pretty friendly to me. But Beth knocked me into the lake, and Eva's just so... intimidating. I'm afraid she's gonna blow up someday and use me as a punching bag. "Um, can I just have the one vote?" I finally asked, not being able to come up with a decision.
"Alright, so that's one vote for Courtney," Chris proclaimed as he put the ballot in the box. "Who will end up getting kicked out of the Playa des Losers? And will it be the last time we see them? And why do I look so damn handsome when I smile?" He flashed his teeth--the sparkle almost blinded me. "All these things may or may not be answered next time on Total! Drama! I--"
"You're not on camera, Chris," Noah pointed out.
"...Geez, spoil the fun, why don't you?" He gave the ballot box to Tyler. "I'll be here tomorrow to reveal the votes. And Harold: no tampering, dude! I know you're listening somewhere, and I gotta say... good luck, man!" He chuckled and walked out the door.
I looked at the ballot box in Tyler's hand. There was no way Chris would be this nice to us. Why would he send home two people we, as a group, don't like simply because we don't like them? Wouldn't that just give him more reason to keep them here?
Something fishy was going on here...
-X-
"So who are you two voting for?" I asked Katie and Sadie as we sat (me in my wheelchair, they in lawn chairs) together outside the resort.
"Sorry, Cody, but my lips are sealed," Katie said, making a motion with her hands to mimic a zipper zipping shut. "Secret ballot."
"Oh, pfft!" Sadie took a sip of her soda. "It's just Cody." She addressed me next. "I'm probably going to vote for Courtney too. And maybe Eva because she's got some maaaaaaaaajor anger issues, I tell you."
"I know, right?" Katie added. "I'll probably vote for her too. ...Whoops! I forgot... secret ballot."
I chuckled. "I won't tell anyone. Besides, you know my vote already."
"Yeah." Sadie took another sip. "I hope she goes home. Then poor Harold won't have to be hiding all the time."
"Yeah."
CRASH!
What the heck?!
"IZZY, GIVE ME BACK MY MP3 PLAYER!!!"
...Oh, boy...
-X-
When Sadie, Katie, and I entered the resort, we gasped at the sight. Furniture was tipped over. All sorts of crap lay everywhere.
All because Izzy decided to take Eva's MP3 player for who knows what reason.
"...Maybe I should've voted for Eva," I mumbled quietly.
-X-
The next day, the votes had been cast, and Chris was back to reveal them to us. He also held a videotape in his hand, which Tyler gladly accepted. "Alright, the votes are in! Let's see who is leaving the Playa des Losers! Drum roll please!" No drum roll came, but he pulled a ballot out of the box anyway. "First vote is for... Izzy and Eva!"
"WHAT?!" Eva shouted. "WHY ME?!"
"...Uh, gee, I don't know..." Courtney began, "but maybe it had to do with you and Izzy trashing the place yesterday. Some of us spent all night cleaning it up."
"...Touch-y..."
"Second vote," Chris exclaimed as he pulled out another ballot, "is for... Izzy and Courtney!"
"Hey!" the CIT yelled.
"Third vote is for... Eva."
The bodybuilder growled at the host.
"Fourth vote is for... Izzy and Eva! Fifth... Courtney. Sixth... Courtney and Eva. Seventh... Izzy and Eva. Eighth... Justin and Eva. Ninth... Courtney. Tenth... Izzy and Harold. Eleventh... Izzy and Courtney. And finally, twelfth... Izzy." He counted through the ballots again, probably calculating how many of each name was said. "Alright, it's official: the two people voted out of the Playa des Losers are... Izzy and Eva!"
Courtney laughed. "I guess you guys couldn't get rid of me that easily, huh?" She turned to Tyler, then to me. "Yeah, I got a pretty good idea who wanted me gone. Don't think I'll forget this little game."
"I'm sure you won't, Courtney," Chris replied. "Remember when I said yesterday that you had a chance to get back on the show?"
No. Freaking. Way.
"See, the two people voted out of Playa des Losers... will be put back on the show."
...
Chris, you evil frickin' genius.
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!"
"Temper, temper, Courtney," Chris said, smirking. "I said I gave you a chance, didn't I?"
"YOU'LL BE HEARING FROM MY LAWYER, CHRIS!!" And with that, she stormed out of the room.
"...Okay, anyway... Izzy, Eva, if you two could come this way. First of all, before we get on the island, I need you to keep the Playa des Losers a secret. Don't tell anyone about it. Lie if you have to. Izzy, I'm sure you won't find any problems in that department."
"Nope!"
"Good! Now, here's what we're gonna do..." Chris shut the door after they left, so I didn't hear anymore of their conversation.
Silence had fallen on the rest of us for a few seconds, before Tyler, Noah, Katie, Sadie, and I began to laugh. Chris, sometimes we hate you, sometimes we really can't stand you... but that day... that day you were the most awesome man on the planet.
"Heh heh... Alright, who wants to watch..." he checked the label, "...Brunch of Disgustingness with me?"
"Sounds disgusting," Noah stated matter-of-factly.
"Bah, it can't be that bad..."
-X-
It was.
It didn't start that way, though. A day without having to eat Chef's "breakfast" sounded like a good start. Unfortunately, there was a reason why breaky wasn't served.
First thing's first, though: the teams were disbanded. The Gopher guys were moved to the Bass cabins, and... uh... Bridgette moved to the Gopher cabin. Or, rather, hell. And by hell, I mean the war zone between Leshawna and Heather.
Now, I wasn't sure what Heather was trying to pull with Bridgette, but I assumed that she didn't really want to befriend the blond surfer girl. In fact, knowing what little I knew of the witch, she probably just wanted to make Bridgette her next alliance member. After all, Beth was gone, and Heather probably didn't feel confident with having just Lindsay under her wing throughout the contest. Two members a strong alliance does not make.
While the guys were partying and having a much better time, the girls continued to argue, mostly over Bridgette, who in the end decided to be on Gwen and Leshawna's side, despite her wanting all the girls to get along. It was a good decision, I thought, since she seemed to be on good terms with Gwen anyway, and that Heather was pretty much the source of all the quarrels among them in the first place.
It was now time for the challenge, and the campers were in for a treat... a very nasty tasting treat...
"I do not envy them, eh," Ezekiel noted.
"Me neither, but that prize sounds lovely," Katie added.
"Anyone get a Fear Factor vibe from this?" Noah asked.
Chris revealed the first dish: bull testicles.
"I do," I answered.
"What's Fear Factoor, eh?"
"Heather seems to be enjoying them," Noah chuckled.
"Oh, dude, nasty," Tyler groaned, though he was also laughing.
The girls ultimately won the first round, and I had to say... there were so many bad jokes that I or anyone else could've said... but out of respect for what the girls just did, we kept the jokes to ourselves.
The second dish... pizza. Now, that may not sound so bad, but then again what makes you like or dislike a certain pizza? The toppings, right? Well... have you ever had a grasshopper, jellyfish, and live anchovy pizza?
If you have, then nevermind.
Of course, you all know me enough by now, so you could only imagine my reaction when Gwen "convinced" Heather to eat the pizza. Specifically speaking, a grin from ear to ear was involved.
Bridgette managed to get Lindsay to eat her pizza slice using meditation. Meanwhile, Trent had to be force-fed his slice. In the end, though, it was Leshawna who caved in, and the boys won the second round.
The third course was up next, and it was... earthworm spaghetti with slime and hairballs.
"...Okay, I take it back," Noah said. "Even Fear Factor's not this brutal."
The guys won this round as well, as they used what I call the "out of sight, out of smell, out of mind" method.
Round number four... was soup--"French Bunion" soup, as Chris called it--most likely containing things that originally came from Chef's own body. ...Was that a curly "Q"? Good God!
The girls ultimately won the round, thanks to Bridgette's... rather brilliant idea of using a funnel to down the soup as painlessly as possible.
"Girl's got brains," Noah commented. "I like."
"Calm down there, Noah," Tyler chuckled. "She's taken."
"Hasn't stopped Cody," he jokingly replied, and I chuckled too.
The next course was literally a giant gumball made up of smaller pieces of chewed gum.
"...Ookay, that is tootally grooss, eh!"
"...And nothing so far has been, Ezekiel?" Courtney asked him.
"...Good point."
The round ended up going to the guys, especially since none of them had problems swallowing gum in general.
Skunk shakes were next. Again, the guys somehow managed to (just barely) come out on top.
Next came some smiling flip-flops. This time, the girls came out victorious.
I had no idea what the hell the eighth course was, but the girls won that round too.
By the time the ninth course came around, I was afraid of the campers' survival. Some of them literally looked like they were about to die.
Then, Chris revealed the final course: dolphin wieners.
And Bridgette and DJ both refused to eat them.
"You're kidding, right?" Noah groaned. "After all the crap you ate before now, THIS is too far?!"
"Totally! I'd soooooo eat a dolphin wiener before all that other stuff," Sadie added.
"Pfft! If I were still in the contest, I'd have no problems getting Bridgette to eat that hot dog," Courtney claimed. "All it would take is positive reinforcement mixed with stern leadership."
"Oh, please. You wouldn't even make it to the ninth round, Court," Noah spoke up. "Wouldn't want someone to pull up a file of you eating bull testicles during any future elections."
"Shut up!"
Since the teams were now tied, Chris came up with a quick tie-breaker round. Owen and Leshawna were both chosen by their teams to be the eaters. It was no surprise, but Owen won the match for the guys, having drank the most shots of blended cockroach. Yep. You read right.
...And if that wasn't bad enough...
...everything they ate...
...came back up.
"UGH!!" many of us groaned in disgust. "Damn!"
"I am soo glad I was vooted off first, eh."
"We know, Zeke. We know."
-X-
So the guys had won the two-day luxury treatment, and the girls were stuck on the island... with Chef Hatchet. Oh boy...
But at least the girls seemed to make the most of it, or at least Gwen and Leshawna anyway. In fact, they locked Heather and Lindsay out of the cabin as soon as they got in. In the end, Heather and Lindsay had to sleep in the old Bass cabin, amidst the mess and the odor that comes with the boys' cabin package.
The tape ended.
"That's a shame," Katie said, shaking her head. "Leshawna, Bridgette, Gwen, and Lindsay totally deserved that spa treatment after all that."
"True, but does Heather?" Sadie pointed out.
"...Good point."
"Boy, are they in for a surprise, though," Tyler brought up. "Eva and Izzy are going to shake things up, I bet."
"Oh yeah. They better watch their backs," I agreed.
"Yeah, I'm sure they won't be messing with those two for quite some time," Noah added.
-X-
It wasn't even twelve hours...
"Oh, crap."
"Yeah, yeah. Guess who's back... again..."
"Damn, that's gotta be a new record," Noah mumbled, still in shock that the brute was back so soon. "I mean, I know you'd be a threat and all, but one would assume you'd be a powerful ally too."
"Yeah, well that's the thing, Pencil Neck," Eva growled. "They're afraid of me. They think I'm completely irrational. I can be rational, dammit!" She slammed her fist down on a table. Hard. "...Anyway, Cody, how are you holding up? Gettin' better?"
"Not much better than the last time you saw me, but it's progress," I answered, smiling at the brute in blue.
"That's good." She turned her attention to everyone else in the room. "I'm going to the gym. Don't bother me, don't talk to me, don't even make eye contact. I. Am. Pissed. We clear?" No one answered. "Good. Now if you need me, DON'T NEED ME." Then she stomped out of the room.
Another moment of awkward silence followed... and once again, Noah broke it.
"...This place has a gym?"
-X-
[1] Everything from "'Oh, RAAAAAAVEEEEEEEEENS!!!'" to the endnote marker is a very convoluted reference to Treed Murray, a film that both Carter Hayden (VA of Noah) and Clé Bennett (VA of Chef and DJ) have major roles in. The quote itself comes from a night scene where the main character of the film calls out to the dangerous gang because, according to him, if he was going to die anyway at the hands of the smaller gang (who were shown to be afraid of the deadlier "Ravens"), he might as well have them all die with him.
[2] It's ironic because, despite the fact that Gwen does have good intentions with the money, she actually was dared into signing up for the show by her brother.
-X-
VOTES:
Ezekiel - Eva
Eva - Izzy, Courtney
Noah - Izzy
Justin - Izzy, Eva
Katie - Izzy, Eva
Tyler - Izzy, Courtney
Izzy - Justin, Eva
Cody - Courtney
Beth - Izzy, Eva
Sadie - Courtney, Eva
Courtney - Izzy, Harold
Harold - Courtney