Chapter 36: Unexplained emotions

Hermione had been back for about two weeks and in class for a week and a half. She studied like she always did, late. There was one thing that refused to leave her mind, Severus, the way he felt responsible for what had happened and she felt inclined to comfort him, it was a bit odd and she couldn't put her finger on a plausible answer. He was family right, so maybe that was it, but then again, he had Emmeline until she died in the line of duty, he probably didn't view her as much more than his brewing buddy anyway.

Severus seemed a bit more lenient with the students as the weeks had gone by, she knew he was going through a hard time at the moment and the last thing he wanted to do was grade stupid papers, she knew he was more content with brewing potions then reading about what some ignorant student could concoct from books. In class, he sat and watched most of the class brew while he took rounds every ten minutes to avoid a misbrew and an explosion. His temperament however, had remained intact. She decided that she needed answers and went and talked to her grandmother about it.

"Grams, what can you tell me about Severus' relationship to Emmeline?"

"I can only tell you what I learn and observed at Order meetings dear."

"So what can you tell me?"

"I can tell you that she is his first cousin on his mother's side, her mother died in child birth and her father died during the first war to protect her, she was about eight so she went to live with Severus after he graduated from Hogwarts. He has taken extra care to keep her safe, they bicker like siblings," Minerva smiled at the memories of some of the older meetings in which the two bickered so much, Emmeline had thrown a punch or two.

"So they were extremely close?"

"Yes, much like you are to Draco."

"So her death would cause his demeanor, right?"

"Hermione I fail to see where you are going with this."

"He isn't assigning homework as much, he used to assign six page papers a week, now he assigns two page papers once I don't know… but he's only assigned once since I have been back."

"Do you think that, that could have anything to do with the fact that he wants you to take it easy?"

"He's doing it to the first years too; it's not just the seventh years, Grams!"

"So you think he is mourning."

"I think he's' finally cracked and I…."

"You what Hermione?"

"I am worried about him."

"You have feelings for him don't you?"

"What?"

"You heard me."

"Yeah but Grams, it's inappropriate for a student to have any intimate relations with a teacher, you know that."

"Yes but Hermione you wouldn't ask if you didn't have some form of feeling for him."

"So?"

"I'm just wondering; don't bite my head off for just wondering."

"Sorry."

"Hermione, my advice is to talk to him, let him know that you are there for him, that he isn't alone."

"Ok."

After that conversation with her grandmother, she sat in each of her classes thinking of how to talk to him. She had stopped by his classrooms a few times but he was always with students, she had tried to strike up a conversation in the hall but when she said hi he would reply with a short, "Miss Malfoy," She had attempted to stop by after class and get him alone but he would always say, "Miss Malfoy, I do not have your papers graded yet, you can quit checking." She knew that he meant well but it still hurt that he refused to be around her alone, was it that he still felt like he was to blame, it was possible.

She stopped trying to get him alone for a few days and found that if she wasn't going to be brewing, her comfort was books. She was sitting in her usual spot and enjoyed the silence, her brothers had stopped bugging her about how she was feeling, and so had Harry, Ginny and Neville. They had sat down and studied with her occasionally but usually they preferred to play quiddich. On this particular day, she was alone while it was nice out, she liked it that way. She still wondered about Severus and why he was avoiding her, was it her fault, was she really to blame, she didn't know, she was so confused, and what was with her grandmother asking her if she liked him all those days ago, was it obvious that she felt something, did he act different when talking about her to the staff?

She suddenly cried, she cried for her confusion, she cried for the pain she felt, for the emptiness, she cried for her parents that had taken up residence at the castle for protection, she cried for her brothers, she cried for Harry who had so much to deal with, most of all, she felt that she was crying for Emmeline, the lost life on her account. Students looked at her oddly as she sat and wept at the secluded table; she glared at them and then swiftly stood and stalked out of the library. She didn't know where she was going but she found that her feet were leading her to the dungeons, more specifically, the potions classroom. She stood outside the door and timidly knocked, when she got an answer she walked into the room and saw him standing over his table at the head of the room, brewing. She smiled slightly and went to join him; she read the ingredients that he hadn't marked off yet and started slicing and dicing what needed to be cut. They worked in silence as they brewed, Hermione would steel sideways glances at the man to her left and then quickly returned to her work.

When they had corked the viles and put them away, Hermione spoke, "Professor, can we talk?"

"We are alone Hermione."

"Right; Severus, I need to talk to you, and you've been avoiding me since I was released from the hospital wing."

"I'm listening."

"Do you blame me?"

"What?"

"For Emmeline?"

"Of course not."

"Then why?"

"I don't know Hermione, I really don't."

"You know that I was always here to talk right?"

"Hermione, I am not exactly the talking kind."

"I know that, but as I was told, locking it up makes you bitter." She smiled at him.

"I already am bitter."

"No, your short, there's a difference."

He grunted in response, after a moment of silence, she spoke again.

"I need to know, how do you feel about me?" Yeah that's it be blunt you stupid Gryffindor, she thought.

His heart could have soared at the question, "Why do you ask Hermione?"

"I just… after we came back from the Dark Lord, you said you felt guilty, and then when we held each other as we wept, I just… I just, I don't know it got me all confused and I hate feeling that way."

"Hermione, how I feel about you is entirely inappropriate."

"So? Grams and Grandfather had… they were in the same situation."

"So you think that what you feel is more then just a silly teacher crush, and that I return your feelings?"

"Severus, Lockhart was a silly teacher crush, actually I think that it would be appropriate for me to say that it was plain stupid." He chuckled at her comment. "When was the last time you had to deal with a crush on you Severus?" he was silent, "Then isn't it plausible that this could be more?"

"Hermione…"

"Don't you dare do that, answer my question." She looked at him hard trying to anticipate his response.

He didn't know what to do, it's a good thing that he had warded the door earlier that evening to warn him of anyone coming near, he grabbed her wrist and pulled her to him, he slowly lowed his head to hers, giving her ample time to pull away, she didn't. He let his lips lightly brush against hers once, twice, three times before he pulled away.

"Does that answer your question?" he looked at her. She didn't say anything, just lean into his body and allowed him to hold her as she held on to him.