Please read Max's POV on the situation in SuperNatural1985's one shot titled Strong Part 6.
I'd like to thank SuperNatural1985 for her amazing editing skills and for all her help and support! As she has already announced in her story, The Way to Live, Max will be making appearances throughout this story as one more of the Pack. I encourage you to please read Max's original story in The Way In, also by SuperNatural1985.
*Kim has now been introduced into SuperNatural1985's The Way to Live and was already featured in Struggling, Disastrous,It Begins, Broken Bonds, Hurt, Challenge, Aftermath, Werewolf Law 1 and Unacceptable.
So Small – Carrie Underwood
What you got if you ain't got love?
The kind that you just wanna give away
It's okay to open up
Go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
You wanna shut the world out
And just be left alone
But don't run out on your faith
'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands
And when you figure out
Love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small
It's so easy to get lost inside
A problem that seems so big at the time
It's like a river that's so wide
It swallows you whole
While you're sitting around thinking 'bout what you can't change
And worrying about all the wrong things
Time's flying by, moving so fast
You better make it count 'cause you can't get it back
Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands
Oh, and when you figure out
Love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small!
Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands
And then you figure out
Love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Oh, it sure makes everything else
Seem so small
Ch 37 Who I Am
I shivered in my mate's arms as he carried me into the house since my legs felt like jelly and I couldn't trust them to hold me up. Without my fur on it seemed like it was much, much colder than it had been. We crossed the threshold and I almost sighed out loud in relief. As Reese took me through the main parts of the house, I tried to regain my focus as a human. Everything just seemed much more complex than as a wolf, even the doorknob.
My body still ached from the painful Change and through my haze I knew that it was because I had spent too much time as a wolf. I didn't regret it, though. I had needed that time to come to terms with my wolf side, with my animal side. I'm not sure if I had completely understood or accepted it yet, but I was well on the way, I think.
I heard a whine from somewhere behind my mate and me and recognized it as Max's. I squeezed my eyes shut and snuggled into Reese, feeling him as he pulled me closer to his body. I had missed my mate, my brothers and my family. They had Changed with me every couple of days, but I had missed their hugs, kisses and coddles. They still gave them to me as a wolf, but it wasn't the same. Still, I was thankful for all that they gave me while I was a wolf, because if they hadn't done that, especially my mate, I probably would never have Changed back. But I wasn't naïve enough to think that nothing had changed because it had.
Exhaustion started setting over my body and I felt as my mate started taking me up the stairs, whispering soft comforts, telling me that he was here and that all would be okay now. I whined softly into his chest and heard as my father asked everyone to give us some time alone. I sent a silent thank you to Antonio for his foresight. Yes, I needed some time alone with my mate. Everything that had kept me a wolf needed to be talked out between us and the sooner the better.
Tears started prickling at my eyes suddenly as grief started to spread, but I pushed them back—well, I tried to, at least. They rolled down silently from my eyes to my mate's shirt, soaking it, but he didn't say a word as he opened my bedroom door. He laid me down gently on my bed and I knew that he could smell the flare of emotions that was erupting within me. Everything that I had escaped as a wolf seemed to be crashing down on me. A wolf couldn't cry, so I guess I was making up for everything that I held back until then.
"I'm here, amor," Reese whispered as he got into bed beside me. He pulled the covers over us and I curled into him, the tears flowing harder and faster now. Despite everything that I had done, whether consciously or not, he was still here by my side, comforting me with his words and his presence. He wrapped an arm around me, pulling me closer to him and I wondered if he knew exactly what happened that night that Turner took me.
Despite everyone's words, I still felt guilty of Abbey's death. I should never have contacted her after being bitten. The Pack had warned me of the dangers of being a werewolf and I hadn't even considered that those dangers could affect Abbey until the night Turner attacked her and Noah. Turner had been so focused on getting Max and Noah that I hadn't considered the danger Abbey was in as well until it was too late.
"Shh," my mate whispered as he rubbed soft circles into my back, feeling as the sobs intensified when I thought of how I would never see my friend again. She was gone, forever. And Alex, did they know about Alex? If they didn't, would it change anything? Was I just taking advantage of their ignorance?
Without warning, I pulled away from my mate and sat up, my breathing coming hard as I fought to steady myself. I closed my eyes and shivered slightly, inhaling though my nose now and breathing in the scents of my room. I focused on the smells and could find Max's and Noah's on my bed. They hadn't slept with us since my first night back, but before that they had slept every so often with us, so their scents were embedded deep within the mattress, making me miss them so much.
"I need to tell you something," I murmured, my back still to him and my eyes still closed. For a moment he didn't move or say a word, but then I felt him shift beside me and sit up, wrapping his arms around me, letting me feel his bare chest against my bare skin. I shivered at the contact and only then did I realize how much I had missed it. I had missed this closeness with him but now I ached for more in spite of my tiredness. But I couldn't do it. He needed to know about everything that I had done.
"Tell me, cariño," he said softly, leaning his head against my shoulder. I couldn't help but lean back into him, pressing myself against him and feeling his warmth. God, how I'd missed him. I inhaled him deeply before telling him about Alex.
A trickle of anger escaped my mate before it disappeared into sadness, the smell of his paling in comparison to mine. I had used Alex to get to Reese, whether I had thought of it like that before or not, it didn't matter. I had used him and after seeing me with Reese he knew it. Turner had used his anger towards me to get to me. And now Alex was dead because I hadn't been able to face Reese and tell him what I felt.
"No, amor," Reese said firmly when I told him this. He suddenly pulled away from me and the next moment I had him before me, holding onto my face with both hands and gazing at me with a determined look in his eyes. The wolf was also present, but he had a familiar gleam that I had come to recognize as territorial.
"It's not your fault, Kim," he said as he wiped a stray tear away. "You can't control everything that happens. It was Alex's choice to trust Turner, not yours. And it's not your fault that Turner was stir crazy. He thought you were Rachel, amor. He had already killed many other times to get her back and then to get you back, but those deaths weren't your fault either. Bodies always follow crazy mutts, mi vida. There was nothing you could have done to prevent Abbey and Alex's deaths."
Before he had even finished speaking, I was already in his arms sobbing violently. He pulled me to him and held me in his arms as I rode out the storm. Deep down I knew he was right, but the blame I felt was still there. I knew that there was nothing I could have done to prevent their deaths unless I had known what was going to happen that night. But I now knew—and I had learned it the hard way—that my life entailed too many dangers for non-supernaturals. And now that I really thought about, I understood why the Pack had forbidden long term relationships with humans and why most supernaturals didn't form relationships with them. Our world was just too dangerous.
I had brought my friend back into my life because she was a part of it, she was my sister and in all but blood. My real sister, who I had planned on contacting, would never hear from me. I had wanted to open up our long lost connection, but I couldn't do it now. Bringing her back into my life could be more than dangerous, it could be deadly. No, she was safer and happier without me in her life and I would have to live with that.
With tears still flowing down my face, I pulled away from my mate and kissed him. Startled, he hesitated for a moment before returning the kiss. He was gentle at first, almost as if I was suddenly a glass doll instead of a person. I was quick to correct him, though. I pushed my way into him and kissed him hungrily, desperate to feel him again. He gave into me almost instantly.
The kiss had us both gasping for air in seconds and it reminded me of the kisses we had shared in the woods when we first talked about our feelings. Back then I had wanted to make sure that what he felt was the same as me, but now I needed to know that it was still the same and that nothing had changed between us. Except for his hesitancy in the beginning, nothing had changed and that aroused me more than anything.
Reese was hard underneath me by the time he pulled away. I knew that he would want to reclaim me to impregnate me with his scent and mark me as his since it had been a while since he had done so, but he probably realized just how tired I was. He held onto my face as he pressed his forehead to mine, breathing hard. I kept my eyes closed and whined as I brushed my nose against his, my wolf still very close at hand since I had spent so much time as a wolf.
"I missed you," I whispered suddenly. My mate stopped breathing for a split second and then he pulled away from me, still holding onto my face. I opened my eyes to see his gaze filled with warmth and love—love I had doubted I would ever find in my life until I met him.
"I missed you too, amor," he murmured as he stroked my cheek and then kissed me lightly before pulling away. I whined again, aching for him despite my exhaustion, but he raised a finger to my lips and gazed at me. I saw warring emotions flash behind his eyes before they steeled on sadness.
"Wait," my mate said gently. I felt my wolf whine within me at our mate's apparent sadness, but I held her down as I waited for Reese to speak. "There's something I wanted to talk to you about. Remember I told that my mum was…raped?" I frowned at him and nodded, not understanding where this was going and my tiredness wasn't helping me to figure it out. It didn't take me long to understand, though, as he told me the story that had brought him to the States.
Tears rained down my face once more by the time he finished and even a few tears had fallen down his cheeks. I reached out to him and wiped away a few before assaulting him. My wolf couldn't bare the sight of her mate in such pain, so I gave into the need to comfort him. I kissed him hard and ground against him, forgetting everything just so I could be with him. He gave in to me and his hands trailed over my bare body, mapping it with some movements until he suddenly pushed me away, holding me back with his eyes closed. I saw him take deep breaths, regaining control of himself, before opening his eyes where the wolf was very present.
"It's not your fault," he whispered and pierced me with a look that had me shivering in his arms. I nodded and blinked hard to stop more tears from falling.
"It's not yours either," I whispered, wondering how I could ever repay my mate for what he had just done. Almost every trace of my self blame had disappeared, leaving behind the void of endless grief. Reese nodded and leaned into me, nuzzling his nose into my neck, his arms still wrapped firmly around me waist. I held onto him and rubbed circles into his back. I knew that this could not have been easy for him. Talking about his parents was always painful and now I knew why.
"I know its not," he breathed against my neck. "It took me a while to figure it out, but I know I'm not guilty. Now I only blame Daniella and the Australian Pack and one day I'll have my justice, just like you had yours."
I stiffened despite myself but quickly forced myself to relax. I'm not sure how I felt about what I had done to Turner, but there was no denying that it was the culmination of my change. The Pack and the wolf had healed me and I was no longer broken. Everything that I had held back, my anger, my sadness, all my emotions that I had bottled up for years had been escaping since I was bitten. But Turner had brought out my more wild side, my animal side, and I had no idea how to feel about it.
My mate, no doubt sensing my sudden tension, pulled me harder against him. From the very beginning I had known that I would have to kill to survive in this world, but the full impact of what that meant didn't hit me until now. I had killed for revenge, yes, but I had also killed to survive. If I hadn't killed Turner when I had the chance, I'm sure Turner would have cracked and tried to take me. But that didn't make me feel any better about what I had done.
I had also tortured him, made him suffer immeasurable pain and then killed him. Killing was accepted and understood within the Pack and the world I now lived in—though I still needed to accept and understand it myself—but what about torture? I knew for a fact that Clay had done his fair share of torturing in his lifetime, but I had no idea if my family and Pack would see it as okay. I don't like what I did, but looking back on it, I know I would have done it again. That mutt had killed so many people, among them a friend and a sister—he deserved what he got at my hands.
"I didn't lie to you, sweetheart," Reese suddenly said, startling me out of my thoughts. He pulled away form me so he could look me in the eyes while he spoke, his deep blue pools piercing me to the core. "If you hadn't done that to him or killed him, what Antonio or I would have done would have been much, much worse," he said, so fiercely that there was little room for doubt.
I gazed at him for a moment, biting my lip, and then nodded. "I know," I whispered. He was right. Maybe five months ago I wouldn't have believed it if someone had told me that they were capable of torture and murder for me, but now I knew better. My mate, whose eyes shone with love and warmth, would have tortured Turner until the end of his days if anything had happened to me. Even if they had gotten to me in time and Turner hadn't hurt me at all, they still would have had their revenge for all the pain he had caused us as a family and as a Pack.
"I just…I don't know how to feel," I murmured, hoping he would understand what I was saying. I just had no idea about how to feel after torturing and killing Turner. And something told me it wouldn't be the last time I killed someone.
"I can't promise that it will get easier because it won't," my mate said soothingly, softly caressing my cheek with one hand. "All I can say is that this is our life. We've all killed and tortured. It isn't "easy" for any of us, but we deal and we help each other to deal. We're all here for you, cariño, and no one will judge you for what you have done." I bit my lip again, trying to hold back the flow of tears that seemed to have no end, and nodded.
"Give it time," he murmured and leaned into me, nuzzling my neck once more and kissing it lightly. "And I'll be here to help you for whatever you need." Words failed me then as more tears rolled down my cheeks and I started hiccupping. Without a word, my mate leaned back and lied us back down on the bed, me atop of him.
"Sleep, amor," he whispered and started rubbing soft circles into my back, lulling me into sleep. I smiled weakly and nodded against his chest before getting comfortable, the warmth of his body against mine making me feel loved and protected, letting me forget about everything that happened and just let me rest in peace.
Reese POV
My mate was back, she was really, really back. My wolf purred within me as I gently pushed a stray hair away from her face and I heard her sigh softly. No one had known what her state of mind would be after so much time as a wolf, but it seemed like she was mostly Kim. I could see the change in her eyes as they now held a touch of sadness that I knew would be with her for quite some time. But she was back and here with me.
I stared down at Kim and marvelled at the fact that she was so strong. I had known she was strong of course, I always had. But her killing Turner didn't seem to affect her as much as we had thought. She seemed to accept it, though she didn't really know how to feel about it. Since I had been born with the wolf within me, it was easier for me to accept my kills since it ensured my survival and that of the Pack's. Spending time as a wolf had seemed to help Kim accept that as well, though I wasn't sure.
I pressed my head against her shoulder and breathed her in, feeling how our mate bond grew stronger and stronger. There were no secrets between us, not anymore. I had always intended to tell Kim about my parents, from the moment I realized that my wolf had mated to me to her, but I had decided to wait. First I had needed to wait to see how she felt towards me, then I had needed to form our mate bond and lastly I had wanted to wait until our relationship had stabilized before saying anything.
If I had had any fears of what Kim would think of my past or of my need for vengeance, they were swiftly silenced at the sight of her tears. Our relationship was stable enough, I had decided, for me to tell her now and help her rise above her guilt. I was just glad that it worked because otherwise I would have had no idea on how to get her to realize that she wasn't guilty of anything, though I'm sure our family and the Pack would have helped. Kim was loved more than she knew, I think.
With my head still pressed against my mate's shoulders, I let my body relax and was just about to let sleep take me when I realized something. There was still one secret between us, at least as far as I knew. I had no idea if Kim had realized that we could feel each other's pain, nor did I know how she would react when she found out. I quickly though it through and decided that for now it was best to wait. Kim had a lot on her mind right now and this was something that could wait until she wasn't so grief-stricken.
Gently, I laid an arm over her belly and pressed myself against her, feeling her with me and aching for her touch, but that could wait. I was exhausted and so was my mate, though my burning need to reclaim her grew when I realized that my scent was barely on her. Tomorrow, if she was ready, I would take her back and prove to her that I really was here for her and that I wanted her. I would always want her and she needed to know that.
Kim POV
I touched my mate's face softly, my heart aching at the sight of him looking so defenceless in his sleep. He had dark shadows under his eyes and I knew they were my fault. Every night he had Changed so he could be with me at night, both of us sleeping in wolf form. During the day he would also Change so we could run together in the woods. Changing so often for the past few days had taken its toll. It was way past noon and he was still sleeping. I had been tired, but my mate was beyond exhausted.
I whined softly at this show of love and wondered how I ever got so lucky. Reese loved me. I had known it and he had proved it time and time again, and yet I hadn't fully realized what love meant until now. He was still here, by my side, despite everything that I had done and was willingly going to help me through my troubles. Granted, I'm sure he had had his fair share of kills as well, but him being here with me was beyond words right then. And he never gave up on me.
While I was a wolf, the word around me had seemed surreal. I had been living in the house as a wolf but surrounded by humans—well, werewolves in human form but still. I know there were times that my mate had been scared for me and I remember feeling afraid too on several occasions when the human became stronger than the wolf. I had been terrified at the thought that my mate would eventually give up on me and leave me at the mercy of my sorrow, but he never left. He was by my side every single day, hurting himself to be with me, so we could be together as wolves, as mates.
I thought back on what he had said last night and knew he was right. I just needed time. Everyone in the Pack, even Max and Noah, had already killed. Some had tortured too, but they had all come to terms with their actions, so I knew that acceptance of my actions would only come with time. Having my mate by my side would help me to accept more than time will, I think. If he was okay with what I had done, then so was I.
This didn't mean that I looked forward to my next kill, on the contrary. But I knew it was necessary. This was my life now. I was a werewolf, half human, half wolf. If I couldn't accept what I had done and what I had to do to survive, then I was going to die very soon. I understood that. I might never be comfortable with killing, but I would do what I had to do to survive and to protect my mate, my family and my Pack.
"Kim," my mate groaned and opened his eyes lazily. I smiled at him and he smiled back, his eyes twinkling with warmth. Suddenly, he rolled over so he was facing me and quickly wrapped an arm around me, pulling me to him.
"Good morning to you, too," I chuckled softly as I snuggled into him. Reese knew that I was still a little unsure of displays of affection so he made sure to always show his love to me, whether it was with sex or with small things like this, and I loved him for it.
"I love you," I murmured into his chest and heard him make a small noise in his throat that sounded like a whine. Without warning, he rolled us so he was on top of me and quickly came down on my lips, kissing me hard. I gasp from the force but quickly wrapped my arms around him, pulling him closer and arching my hips against his.
His kiss was possessive and passionate, though mostly the former and I knew why. He hadn't marked me as his in quite some time and his scent was no longer engrained in me. I smelled like him because we had slept together but it wasn't the same. His wolf and him needed to reclaim their mate and I was all too willing to let them take me, especially since this was his way of proving to me that he still wanted me and would always want me no matter what.
Hungrily, he abandoned my lips and trailed down my body, mapping it with everything he had and marking me every now and then. By the time he finished exploring my body all I wanted was him and only him. I thrust my hips roughly against his, feeling his arousal and making him moan. That was the limit of his control it seemed since he quickly pulled away and yanked his boxers off.
Unfortunately, though understandably, I had been off the pill for a week so it was the first time we would have to use protection. I knew this would hinder him by not letting him really mark me, but it would do for now. I doubt we could wait a week for this. We both needed this as a reassurance. Him to know that I was back and to in turn reassure me that he loved me and that he was here for me.
Slowly, he slid into me and held himself there for a moment, watching me from above, his wolf almost fully present in his eyes. His gaze held a possessive look that had me shivering beneath him and wiggling my hips against his, pleading him to begin. But he didn't. Instead, he said gently, "Wrap your legs around me."
I did as he said, trusting my mate with my life, and felt as he went in deeper. I moaned as he shifted his hold on me and started thrusting, going further than he ever had and reaching places that had me screaming to the heavens. I climaxed harder than ever, trembling and screaming in pleasure like I never had before. When I was done, my mate quickly set about preparing me for another round, putting me in another position that allowed him to reach that spot again, claiming me in more ways than one.
"I love you, I love you, I love you," he whispered into my ear, wrapping an arm around me and gently pulling me to him as I regained my breath. "And I always will." Before I could return his words of love, someone knocked on the door, making Reese growl softly. I smiled against his chest and pulled back, giving him a look. He sighed but nodded and let me go. I pulled the sheets up over me and called our visitor in.
The door opened and Antonio peeked inside. Once he saw that we were decent—at least not doing anything intimate, at least not anymore—he opened the door fully and stepped into the room. His eyes fell instantly on me and I could see him trying to gauge if I was okay. He glanced at Reese behind me who probably gave him the okay and then he turned back to me, taking a step closer.
"Princess," he said gently, stepping forward cautiously. My heart ached as I suddenly realized what I must have put him through by staying wolf. Not just him, but my mate and family as well. But I'd needed to do it. By being in harmony with my wolf, I had been able to mostly understand and accept my deeds, but it had also helped to ignore the pain and grief of Abbey's death.
I jumped out of the bed suddenly, the sheets flying over my mate, and ran at my father, not caring in the least that I was naked or that my body was covered in bruise-like hickies. I just couldn't care anymore. I wrapped my arms around him, hugging him fiercely as tears rained down my face. Through my sobs, I tried to say that I was sorry for hiding behind my wolf, but my father just shushed me, holding me tightly against him.
"It's okay, sweetheart," he said softly. After more tears and more reassurances that everything was okay, I let him go and fell back into my mate's arms. He held me tight, engulfing me in his scent and presence, as we waited for Antonio to speak.
"Jeremy is downstairs, principessa, and he wants to speak to you." Dread and fear suddenly built up within me and my mate instantly stiffened when the smell of my emotions reached him. Antonio noticed as well, so he quickly added, "He just wants to know if you're okay, sweetheart." I nodded and looked away from my father, knowing that Jeremy would also want to talk about what I did to Turner and that I would also have to tell him about what Alex did.
"It's okay, princess," he whispered as he stepped over to us and lifted a hand to my cheek, stroking it lightly. Only then did I realize that his touch was different. It reminded me of when we first met, back when he had treated me like I would fall apart with the lightest of touches.
"I know, dad," I said softly and took his hand in mine, pressing it against my cheek. "I'm fine, Antonio, I promise." He gave me a wide smile and nodded, but I knew that it would be a while before he truly believed me. His princess had killed a mutt and had watched her friend die and had spent several days as a wolf. I was pretty sure that he just didn't know how to act around me.
"I love you," he said suddenly, bringing more tears to my eyes. "And I'll be here for whatever you need, whenever you need, okay?" I bit my lip to hold back the sobs and nodded, wiping away the tears that had already fallen. He gave me one last smile and then left.
I fell apart then and collapsed on the floor in my mate's arms. Being with Reese had eclipsed the one fact that had become painstakingly obvious with Antonio's visit. I was changed. I was no longer the girl that had been bitten four months ago, or the girl that had sung Skyscraper a week ago. Now I had killed, unleashing all the hate and anger that I had built up inside for years, punishing Turner with all that I had. It would be a while before I accepted who I had become, but I knew that my mate and my family would be by my side until I did.
Once I had calmed down, my mate took me to the shower, making the water extra hot, just the way I liked it. I relished in the feel of the water over my skin, never having thought that I could miss something as simple as showering as a human. It just wasn't the same as a wolf and definitely not as comfortable.
I dressed slowly, the movement of my hands and fingers still coming back to me. It didn't seem like it, but five days as a wolf did a lot. My legs didn't feel as wobbly as they had yesterday, but they still hurt, as did most of my body and this morning's session hadn't helped, though I honestly didn't regret it.
Reese took my hand in his and kissed me lightly before he started guiding me towards the door, but I pulled him to a stop. He looked at me questioningly, but I just bit my lip, wondering how I was supposed to say this. He had been there for me and he was still there for me, standing by my side without thinking it twice. I wanted us to be equals and I wanted to be there for him as well.
"I'm going with you," I said softly. He stared at me, obviously not understanding. "When you go back to have your justice, I'm going with you." I said it firmly, making sure that there was no way he was going to make me back down from my decision, but that didn't stop him from trying.
"No," he growled lowly. When I just held his gaze without saying a word, he closed his eyes, backing down from me and pinching the bridge f his nose. "No, amor. I can't let you do that," he said more softly now.
"It's not your choice to make, cariño. I'm going," I said firmly. His eyes suddenly flew open with a look of determination and he was just about to say something when the door to my room opened. Nick walked in but stopped in his tracks when he saw Reese's stiff shoulders and the wolf in full display in his eyes. Nick brought out his own wolf, roughly pushing Reese's back. Once Reese had backed down with a soft growl, Nick turned to look at me.
He looked me up and down and then held my gaze, his eyes going right through me, and I could feel him trying to gauge my state of mind. I know I probably should have lost my mind with everything that I had seen, done and been through, but I hadn't. Somehow I had kept it together and I knew that being with my family and Pack had helped me stay me—or mostly me.
As with Antonio I went straight to Nick and hugged him, plastering myself against him and leaving no doubt that I was fine. I was fine per se, but I was far from perfect, for now. Nick chuckled softly and hugged me back, saying, "I missed you, too, sweetie." I didn't let him go until I was sure that he was here for me, but his embrace said more than his words. "I'm here, hun," he whispered, rubbing his cheek against the top of my head and making me whine. I was glad in that moment that I wasn't still naked, or Reese, who was still no doubt stressed about what I had just said, would have exploded for sure.
When I finally stepped away from him, I chanced a look back at my mate to see that he had visibly calmed down and that his territoriality was back in place since he was giving Nick a death glare for having held me for so long. I quickly took his hand to reassure him, stroking it gently. He nodded at me and then started leading me out of the room. I knew better than to think that our argument had ended. But Reese could argue all he wanted to. I was going with him and nothing would stop from doing so. The people responsible for his parents' deaths deserved to die and Reese deserved his justice. I was not looking forward to it but I would do whatever I had to for my mate.
As we passed Nick on our way out, I have expected Nick to pull me out of Reese's grasp and kiss me, initiating one of his dominance games over me. It wasn't serious, though, it never was. It was just all fun and games for Nick, but it still pissed my mate off royally. I should have known better, though. Nick did nothing, just smiled at me and then followed us out. He, like Antonio, was being cautious and had no idea what to do with me. The only person that didn't seem off balance around me was my mate.
"Where are Max and Noah?" I asked as we headed down the stairs, glancing back at Nick.
"School," he responded. Oh, right. It was Friday. I inwardly whined and wished I could see my brothers now. They had helped me so much, especially Noah. Without them and their continued support I wouldn't have had the strength to Change back and that last extra push they gave me helped me more than I could say. I knew that Max was off, though. We had barely been together while I was a wolf and I was desperate to seek him out and show him that I missed him.
Besides, I needed to see and know that they were there. That insecure part of me, that emerged when things got rough, was aching with the need to feel accepted once more, for the person I was now. My mate had accepted me in more ways than one and Nick and Antonio had both told me that they were here. Now I just needed my brothers and then I could start to accept myself, I hope.
The three of us stepped into Antonio's study to find Antonio himself with the Alpha and Alpha-elect. Elena instantly smiled at me, nodding. Her acceptance of me. I mentally sighed in relief and then turned to the Alpha. His black eyes were emotionless as ever as they surveyed me, taking me for all I was worth and I knew he was looking for the wolf. I could feel her strongly within me but I had her under control. Once Jeremy was satisfied with my control, he nodded. My shoulders suddenly relaxed as I let go of the tension I hadn't realized that I had been building up until then.
Jeremy gestured for us to sit down on the empty couch and I saw Nick go over to his father, seating himself on the arm of the lazy boy. I sat with my mate's hand still holding onto me, gripping my hand tightly and letting me know that he was here. I breathed in deeply, inhaling him and comforting the wolf as well.
"How are you feeling, Kim?" Jeremy asked, not unkindly. I took a moment before answering, knowing that I could not lie to him. How was I feeling? Honestly, a little off balance, like I had lost myself and was searching blindly in the dark to find myself. I was close and I felt like I just needed everyone's acceptance before finally finding myself. Of course once I had found myself I would need to accept who I was now, but that would come with time, I knew.
"Overwhelmed," I said truthfully. Guilt no longer gnawed at me, not after what my mate had told me, but grief was now flooding through me and I was dreading the moment when I would have to face Abbey's death and look it straight in the eye. Jeremy nodded, as if he had expected this, and then leaned back in his chair, looking thoughtful.
"Do you feel up to telling is what happened during your time with Turner and what occurred the night he took you?" As I considered what he was asking, my mate gripped my hand painfully and I knew that he was on the verge of growling at the Alpha.
"Yes," I quickly said, knowing that the sooner I got this over with the better. My mate was tense for only the first few sentences and then relaxed, allowing me to relax with him and not shed a single tear during my narration. When I told them about how Abbey died, my throat closed up and I had to take a moment to regain myself before ploughing on. When I reached the point of my call to Reese, I just couldn't continue. Tears threatened on the threshold and I felt Reese wrap an arm around my waist in comfort.
"We're proud of you, Kimberly," Jeremy said suddenly. I stared at him disbelievingly through my blurred vision since I hadn't expected those words at all and saw his lips twitch as his eyes twinkled lightly. "You did more than what we could have ever asked for or expected from you under the circumstances. Not only that, but you showed an enormous amount of control when you didn't let your wolf make you feed on Turner and Abbey." He paused for a moment as he watched me absorb his words that had left me with a sick feeling and then continued.
"As you know, I had ordered Turner's execution, but I had not given you permission for justice. However, the circumstances exempt you from punishment. But from now on, I expect you to wait for mine or Elena's say so before you act again. Am I understood?" he asked in his Alpha voice and I nodded before adding verbally that I did understand. I hadn't even considered the fact that I could be punished for what I had done, but now that I thought about it, it made sense. The Alpha called the shots and I had acted without his consent. Realizing this, I quickly bared my neck to him, completely submitting to him.
"Kim," I heard Elena say and swung my gaze over to her. She smiled slightly as she eyed me and said, "When you feel up to it, I'd like to spend some time with you. Just you and me."
"Okay," I said. I had expected this. When I was a wolf, she had liked to spend an hour or two with me, just talking about this and that. I had known what she was doing and knew what she was doing now. She wanted us to have more of a girl on girl relationship now that Abbey was gone. My heart hurt at the thought of my friend and I quickly pushed thoughts of her aside for now.
"Princess," I heard my father say now and suddenly realized that he was standing just a few feet in front of me. Once he saw that I was paying attention he came up to me and kneeled so we were eye to eye. Worry and a touch of grief clouded his gaze. "Sweetheart, we buried Abbey and Alex here…" He trailed off at the look on my face and quickly embraced me, ignoring Reese's soft growl as he was pushed aside.
I tried to hold the tears back but it was impossible. I just couldn't hold them back anymore, not even with Reese by my side. Antonio held me against him for god knows how long and only pulled back when all my tears had dried and I had stopped hiccupping. He touched my face lightly as I rubbed my sore eyes and made a soft comforting noise.
"Come on, sweetie," Elena suddenly said and I saw her stand from her chair, coming over to me. Without a word, she took my hand and led me out of Antonio's study, ordering Reese to stay put when he tried to follow us and grabbing a largish box from beside Jeremy.
Elena guided me all the way through the house all the way to the back glass sliding doors, opening them and taking me outside. I said nothing while she tugged me out into the backyard and sat me down on the grass. The sun shone brightly above us, spring just around the corner. Without a word, she opened the box and took out an old looking volume that I instantly recognized. The Legacy. Silently, she opened it and went straight to the genealogy section and handed it to me. I gingerly took the old tome in my hands and stared down at the page where all the members of the current Pack could be seen.
I whimpered softly as I saw that Reese's name and mine had now been joined by a thin line just like Elena and Clay's. We were mates and the Pack recognized as such. I bit my lip, trying to hold back the sudden tears. I traced the line with a finger, feeling the age old paper beneath it, and felt truly accepted. It was a little immature for me to be seeking the approval of the Pack and my family, but I needed it too. The life I had had led me to want and need the approval of those around me, especially of those that I loved.
"Thank you," I whispered, quickly giving her back the book before I stained it with my tears. I saw her smile through my blurry vision but then it was obscured as she hugged me to her, comforting my wolf with her presence.
"If you ever need to talk about, I'm just a phone call away," she said gently and I nodded against her. She had been trying to form a friendship with me while I was still in wolf form so she had told me a few things about her past. Like how she had lost a dear friend and how killing a human had led to her leaving the Pack for almost a year. I'd absorbed her stories, but my wolf hadn't let me ponder them while I had been in wolf form. Now, though, I knew that I would need to talk to her about it because she was probably the only person that understood what I was going through since she was a bitten wolf as well. But I would let my mate comfort my grief, since he also understood and knew what I was going through.
Suddenly, I pulled back and looked at her in the eye. She gazed straight back at me expectantly and waiting for me to say something. "What was it like for you?" I said lowly and looked away, suddenly unsure of I should have asked. It took her a moment to answer, but I was glad she did.
"Hard and it still is at times, but you get used to it after a while," she said gently and I glanced back at her, but she wasn't looking at me. She was looking the tress and beyond, lost in her memories, I suppose. "It's harder for us, though. We grew up in a world where killing another person was the height of wrong. In this world its pretty much expected of you." She sighed softly and I leaned back into her, letting her comfort me some more. I just needed someone to hold me right then and though I hadn't had a strong relationship with Elena before, I knew I needed it to become stronger since she as probably the best person to talk about this with.
We sat there on the grass for a while longer before I decided that I needed to go see Abbey. The sooner I went to see her, the sooner I could start moving on, though in that precise moment it felt like I would never be able to move on. How could I manage without my best friend, without my sister? My heart clenched painfully then and I forced the images of when I last saw her out of my mind and tried to focus on our more happier moments, but that just made m cry some more.
Elena asked to accompany me but I refused. I needed to do this alone. She explained where the clearing she had been buried was and then went back inside, leaving me alone to walk through the woods. It surprised me that she was leaving me alone after how much time I had spent as a wolf, but I suppose that they were certain that I hadn't lost my mind. I wasn't so sure yet.
I stepped into the woods and walked down one of its many paths, feeling the emptiness that grew with every step I took. It took me only a moment to realize where this void was coming from. It was the first time in a while that I came in here alone. I was normally with my mate or father while I was in wolf form and there absence was palpable as I reached my destination.
I had barely taken one step into the clearing when I broke down. Abbey's initials had been engraved on the large oak tree and I could still see where the dirt had been raised about a week ago. Suddenly, I felt as the air was knocked out of me. I fell to my knees and leaned against the closest tree, trying desperately to breath, but it seemed like no air was reaching my lungs.
"Shh," I suddenly heard some time later, or maybe a few seconds later, I don't know. My heart hurt too much to focus on the passage of time. Nothing else mattered then but the fact that Abbey was gone and that she was never coming back. And her family would never know.
Strong arms wrapped around me and pulled me into a firm body with a scent I knew better than my own. Reese said nothing as he held me and I sobbed uncontrollably against his chest, his scent and presence allowing me to breathe somewhat normally. When the flow of tears started to thin, I chanced a look back at the grave and regretted instantly. I whimpered and shook violently as I saw Alex's grave right beside Abbey's, his initials engraved in the tree beside Abbey's. We hadn't been close, but I knew, even now, that if Reese didn't exist, maybe something could have happened between us and I had used that to my advantage.
I fell into a whimpering and shaking fit then, unable to breathe properly or utter a comprehensible word. Once Reese realized that it wasn't going to let up, he took me in his arms and carried me out of the woods, making shushing noises and trying to soothe me with the knowledge that he was here, but it didn't help. In that moment, it felt like nothing would ever be okay and that this heart-wrenching pain would never, ever go away.