"You're a pretty good dancer, Elena."
"Did you know about his trip to Chicago?" She asks while watching Stefan exit the bar.
"What? Are you asking me about Stefan?"
Just when I thought this night held innumerable possibilities for Elena and I, the Stefan subject reappears. I'll always fail in comparison to my brother. Maybe now that he's back, she's realized that again.
"He met Klaus one summer in Chicago."
"Klaus…?" I question.
"The strange man that's been talking with us all night? Did you not notice?"
"Elena, I didn't just sit and stare at you the whole night."
She purses her lips and glares at me.
Alright, so I'm lying. I saw the strange curly-haired chap sitting beside my brother. Yet, I'm not interested in who he is. I'm preoccupied with discerning the current state of affairs. Is she interested in boring, broody, Stefan again? Or are we truly going to move forward?
"Sorry to burst your selfish bubble. Why are you so concerned with Stefan's whereabouts all of the sudden?"
"I'm not sure. It's just strange to hear about this 'wild trip' to Chicago. When he got back, he barely said anything about it. This was well before I decided I couldn't go away to school, so why wouldn't he talk to me about it?"
"You really know how to kill a party."
I'll admit it. It bothers me that she'd rather talk about Stefan's past than enjoy a dance with me. Am I suddenly so unimportant? It seems as though Stefan's new bad-boy image, which he ripped off from me, is charming Elena.
"So you're swooning over Stefan again. I guess everything is back to normal."
Suddenly, her eyes turn familiar again. She smiles.
"Normal is this, remember? I haven't forgotten everything that's happened. I just sense that there's something up with this Klaus friendship. I don't know how to describe it."
I release Elena for a quick twirl and pull her in close.
"Let's not worry about that tonight," I breathe.
It's been some time since we've talked about our feelings for one another, but could all of that have changed over the past month? I can't speak for her, but I know that I feel the same.
Our eyes remain fixed on one another. Inches apart, I can feel her breath on my skin. It's a sinful pleasure. Our lips are too close. Why should we waste this moment by leaving them separated? I cup her cheek with my palm and continue my gaze.
Suddenly, she turns and walks out into the cold evening air. Instinctively, I follow.
"Damon, I can't do this right now."
"And why not?" I ask in pure frustration.
"Because I'm a mess! How do you expect me to start this again?"
What is "this?" I didn't realize we'd ever stopped. I guess she gave up on anything happening between the two of us while we were separated. But I'm not giving up that easily.
"Elena, come on."
"I can't! I can't love anyone when I'm so miserable. I'm so unhappy, Damon, and I don't know what to do about it. I'm starting to think it has nothing to do with me throwing away my life. Maybe there's something wrong with me, I don't know! I keep hurting everyone. I can't stop. I'm not going to do this. No."
She paces the sidewalk with her hands over her head and begins speaking again.
"All I'll do is hurt you. And you'll hurt me. It's what we do! We're no good for each other. I can already tell. We're trying so hard not to hurt one another but in the process it's all we're doing! Do you think I don't know that I was falling in love with you just a few weeks ago? I know it. I fought it every day," she shouts.
My heart sinks and hatred descends inside. This hatred is for myself and for all the love in the world. What good comes out of loving someone? She's tormented by all the love she's shown. She's loved so deeply, so loss has been her ruin.
"I can't hurt anyone else, and I can't hurt myself. I just need to be alone," she finishes.
No, she's wrong. I feel sick to my stomach. Hatred, lust, and pure love feel as if they'll burst out of my gut at this moment. I don't know what's making me want to force a brutal kiss upon her damaged, broken lips. It may be my twisted sense of passion, or maybe it's my own strange remedy. I don't want her to be in this much pain. I don't want to be in this much pain.
"How's being alone working out so far?" I cruelly ask.
"I hate it! It's making me bitter. Maybe I need to be bitter, Damon. The more I let people in, the more it hurts when they leave. I can't do it anymore. It hurts too much."
Though her words are dark and depressing, they scream "love me." She's feeling alone and desperate. I know Elena Gilbert, and I know she doesn't want to be alone.
Without thinking, I grab her wrist and drag her by the arm down a few blocks. She doesn't complain or question my motives. She has nothing to lose.
We tread several miles and eventually turn into the darkened land of the dead. Almost two months ago, Elena Gilbert brought me here to show me I had a fighting chance, to give me a fresh start. Cautiously, I guide her towards the graves of her parents and Jenna.
I point.
"Do you see these people?" I shout, stifling angry tears.
"They loved you. You have all of these memories of the love all of you shared. That's never going to leave you. It may not seem like enough, but it's a hell of a lot better than back there," I shout while pointing to the Salvatore plot.
"I don't have those memories. Those people buried in the ground, I have no memories of them that I choose to remember. I've lost so many people but there's nothing good about what I felt for them to pacify this emptiness. Nothing. God, Elena, be grateful!"
I don't want to seem cruel, but I have to find some way to break through to her. She's done nothing but grieve and sulk in her own sorrow for weeks. She can't even see the light at the end of the tunnel. Loving all of her friends and family is always going to be worth it. I'd rather have had a fantastic family and had them die then bring my parents back to life. She's so fortunate to have loved and lost, rather than just lost.
Elena falls to the ground, dirtying her lace-up boots with wet soil.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Damon. I'm so ungrateful but I just feel so alone. I was numb for so long but once we lost Jenna and Rick, all the feelings I buried down crashed in on me. It hurts."
"And it'll probably hurt for the rest of your life. So you need to work on moving forward. It's all we can do for now."
I take a seat beside her on the cold ground.
"You're scared," I suggest.
The frightened girl turns to face me quizzically.
"Of what?"
"Moving on, change, taking risks. You don't know if you'll hurt me, and you don't know if I'll hurt you. You're scared to find out."
"It's not that simple."
"You're scared you'll hurt Stefan. You're scared of what your friends and Jeremy will think. You're scared to make this your new normal."
"Maybe I am," she nods.
"Don't you think you scared the hell out of me when I first met you? I'd been chasing Katherine for years and all of a sudden you change everything. I was terrified to let go, but I did. I took the plunge. I don't know if anything will ever come of it, but it was worth the risk no matter what. We need to face our fears to see if we can find some sort of happiness."
"I don't think I'm ever going to be happy."
"Then what's the risk in trying?"
We continue our stare from earlier, this time under the pale moonlight near a tree beside her parents' graves. I'm not sure if I'm fully capable of love, but I'm fairly certain that I love Elena Gilbert. Even at this moment, seeing her in such a dilapidated state, I love her.
"I don't care if the whole world turns against me, I want this, Elena. I want you."
One tear drips down her rosy cheek as she winces and turns to her left.
It suddenly registers in my mind that Elena told me she loved me tonight. She said she knows it, and she fights it. Why didn't I understand this before? Elena Gilbert loves me. Isn't this all I've been waiting for? Even if she never comes around to showing it, knowing how she feels is enough.
"You can love me. You don't have to fight it. There's no reason to. Just jump, Elena. Take the risk."
"You're just going to resent me in the end, just like Stefan. Look at how I tore him down. I thought he ruined me, but he had such big dreams. He was going to live in the city. He could've had a relationship with you! I ruined that too! I can't be selfish like that. I just can't. My love is poison."
"I've got nothing else. I've got nothing for you to destroy. All I want is you. Tear me down. Break me. I don't care. I need this."
At this point, I'm pleading for her love. I want her to feel better. I want to feel better.
"When you're feeling low like this, you take advantage of women like Caroline, Matt's mom, and Alaric's wife. How do I know you're not just going to up and leave like you did to them?"
Her poison fills my lungs as I breathe in the frigid air. She's intentionally trying to hurt me. She knows that my feelings for her are much deeper than any that I've ever felt.
"Don't do that. You know it's different. Don't look for excuses to back out. There's no turning back anymore. We either move forward from here or I leave. Is that what you want?"
"No, Damon. I want you. Every piece of you: the light and the dark. I'm drawn to both. I've hated myself for loving you. It's selfish. It's wrong."
I nod.
The division between Stefan and me is hardly her fault. It's Katherine's. No, it's ours. Stefan and I were too proud to patch up our damaged brotherhood. Is it wrong that I'm willing to give up any chance of Stefan and I finally reconciling to be with Elena?
A light snow begins to fall. A shiver passes through both of our bodies. This love is sinful. It's wrong, but so intense and beautiful.
A few minutes of silence pass. Just sitting here is utterly depressing. We're few inches apart, but there's nothing we can do about our feelings for one another. We're torn apart from the inside. It's the worst kind of separation.
It's wrong for me to love her. It's wrong that I went after her when my brother is crazy about her. Everything about this is wrong externally. But what about internally? It feels overwhelmingly right in my heart.
I wrap my arm around her in an attempt to keep her warm. She rests her exhausted head on my shoulder and we fall back into the snow slowly. This may be as close as we'll ever get.
I wake in confusion as the sun beats down on my forehead. Beneath me is wet, melting snow. Beside me, though, is the most beautiful piece of scenery. Elena's arm is draped across my chest, her face nuzzled into my shoulder. Small snowflakes are littered throughout her chocolate brown hair. It suddenly hits me that this woman is in love with me. She truly loves me: every part. This sentiment is entirely new to me. I want to explore all of its depths, but, unfortunately, circumstance will not allow it. I hesitantly creep out of her embrace. Though I don't want to leave, there's a visit I need to make. The worn path leading to the Salvatore plot doesn't call my name as loudly as it used to.
"I have something to live for," I announce to my kin.
I won't end up here alone. Even if we never get the chance to just be happy, I'll die happy knowing she loved me. That's all I've ever needed.
As I scan the ground that covers the bodies of my parents, I see a small, folded sheet of paper lying on an open plot. I grab the paper and unfold it carefully. Much to my surprise, it is a note for me. It must've been left by someone who thought I'd died.
Damon,
I'm sorry will never be enough. I'm so lost and confused. I don't know how I became this way. Maybe if I would've given you the chance, your love could've saved me. You loved me selflessly. I loved you selfishly. You deserved better than this. I'll spend the rest of my life thinking of you. I hope you're happy and loved wherever you are.
Yours Forever,
K
A single letter said it all. Katherine left this letter at "my grave." Love can be destructive. Katherine loved me. Isn't that strange? She really had me convinced that she didn't. "Your love could've saved me." I take this as a sign. Elena and Katherine are somewhat similar. Tragic circumstances damaged each of them. Maybe Elena and I really could save each other. The sun reflects off the pure white snow, symbolizing rebirth. Katherine's letter gives me hope. I'm not giving up on Elena.
I begin to sprint back to the tree where I left her, but as soon as I turn around, she's behind me with her hands in the pocket of her long winter pea coat.
Elena slightly grins and wraps her arms around me. As we separate, I sense that she feels this newfound hope too. Why should this love be so wrong? Why am I so wrong for her? We're making excuses based on what other people will think and feel. This moment and every moment henceforth should be about us.
Both of my hands caress her cheeks as I vigorously kiss her lips. This isn't like any of my previous embraces. This is deliberate. I'm not kissing Elena to forget or to escape, but to show her that I love her, to give her hope, and to finally affirm that she is not alone. Neither of us is alone. Elena reciprocates and gently pushes back, wrapping her arms around my waist. It's freezing cold this morning, and both of our teeth are chattering. Her lip quivers slightly as we continue our passionate encounter. My arms fall around her waist as she slowly runs her fingers through my hair. I pull back slowly, though. This is enough for now. I don't want to overwhelm her. But she kissed me back this time. We're moving forward.
Hand in hand, we traverse the streets of Briarview heading towards her home. Frequently, she'll turn and look at me. She smiles and slightly shakes her head in a good way. Outside of her home a black SUV is parked.
She drops my hand and sprints towards her house. Elena pushes the door open and runs into the foyer. Jeremy and Alaric are standing on opposite sides of the room in the middle of a conversation.
"Rick," Elena mumbles.
"Elena, it's good to see you."
Then, I walk in the door. My presence startles him once again.
"Damon….I didn't know you'd be here…"
"Let's stop making this awkward. We're cool. Fix things with the kids," I say with a wink.
Well, I'm' not completely okay with the fact that he tried to kill me. The guy's got a lot of issues. But, so do I. I understand where he was coming from. I'm not going to justify murder, but I'm not going to hold a grudge against someone that Elena loves.
Rick proceeds with his apologies.
"I couldn't face you kids. How could I be a guardian when I was a homicidal maniac?"
"What about Jenna? She needed you. You should've turned yourself in. You were a coward," Jeremy shouts back.
I'm surprised he's not relieved to have Rick back. He's angry.
"If you wouldn't have ran and left us you would've known Damon was alive. And you knew he was alive the day of the funeral. You could've stayed! What did you need to think about? You didn't kill anyone."
"I'll never be able to explain this to you. I had to get over that anger, Jeremy. I'm sorry."
"You're not sorry. You left and you don't even care."
"I'm sorry you feel that way," Rick responds soberly.
"Why'd you even bother coming back?" Jeremy demands.
"Believe it or not I'm recognized as your legal guardian."
"Well, I'll be eighteen in a month so there's no need for you to be here."
"So you sent Stefan out for a month to bring Rick back just so you could scream at him to leave?" Elena asks.
"Screw off, Elena," Jeremy grumbles as he retreats up the stiars.
Once Jeremy leaves, Elena rushes across the room and throws her arms around Alaric. He's surprised by her compassionate gesture and hesitantly holds her close.
"I'm so sorry, Elena."
"I understand. If Damon can forgive you, so can I."
Rick nods in my direction to thank me. I exhaustingly nod my head.
Rick and Elena catch up in the kitchen over coffee and tea. I stand idly by, feeling like the outsider I used to be to this family. Rick suspiciously eyes me every so often, searching for traces of humanity. He's probably still having a hard time accepting that I'm not the murderous fiend he'd assumed. About an hour passes before the two leave the table.
"Damon, could I talk to you for a second?" Alaric rises and questions.
I walk over to converse with a man who just a month ago tried to take my life. Normally, I would've beaten the crazy lumberjack to a pulp. But because he's so precious to Elena, and because I sympathize with a man who lost the woman he loved, I can't help but show compassion. Not to mention, I did sleep with his wife.
"I want to thank you for showing me so much undeserved sympathy. And I want to thank you for taking care of Elena."
"Well, you're welcome for the first part, but I wasn't there for Elena at all. She wouldn't let anyone be. I was in the hospital and she shut herself off from everyone. You'll come to see that she's uh…not herself right now."
Rick nods and shakes his head.
"I don't even know who 'herself' is. Is this my fault?"
"I think the slightest tragedy would've set her off. And you couldn't have prevented what happened to Jenna."
"I haven't even taken the time to deal with Jenna's death," Rick admits.
I pat him on the back.
Frightened, he turns to me once more.
"Why aren't you angry with me?"
Good question.
"Oh, I am. Believe me, if it weren't for Elena, you'd be lying on the ground writhing in pain."
Maybe I'm all talk, but who knows.
"You're still going after her?"
So now he knows what I should and shouldn't do with my personal life? This guy is batting a thousand.
"If you want to keep on both mine and Elena's good sides, you'd better support whatever makes her happy."
"Damon, this is nothing against you, but even you said she's not herself. Is it really the time to be messing with her head?"
Anger builds up inside me like a rising tower of smoke.
"You're pushing it, Rick."
"I don't mean to. I apologize. But I'm going to look out for her best interests despite our history."
"This has been pleasant. I'm sorry to inform you that this truce is off. See you around," I say as I retrace Elena's steps up the stairs.
She slips through her bedroom door and is fully dressed with her tote in hand.
"I've got class soon…" She pronounces.
"I'd be happy to drive you," I say with a smirk.
Elena glares down at her feet.
"Stefan's actually offered to pick me up."
I nod and grimace.
So that's how this is going to be. Without saying a word, I return down the stairs.
"Damon, wait," she calls after me.
Elena follows me down the steps and out the front door.
How can she tell me she loves me just last night and run back to my brother the next morning?
"It's just a ride to class. It doesn't mean anything."
"And did yesterday mean anything to you? Or this morning? God, Elena. Just when I thought you'd made up your mind."
"I can't do this right now. I don't know what you expect me to do."
"Just stop messing with my head," I say as I turn and go.
Just when I thought we were making progress…
This chapter was a softer side of Damon, obviously. He'll be back to his sarcastic self soon, don't worry. I hope you're enjoying the story! Reviews are really helpful.
xoxo Liz