Author's Notes: I normally try to avoid excessive notes, so you can just read and enjoy. But in this case it's necessary. The next two chapters Bella's well, a little nuts. And since we're in her head, it will sound scatterbrained. It's intentional, the next chapter is worse! And I'll post it soon. (Sooner if you leave a review- LOL!) Thanks!!

When I Lost It

I had no idea what I had gotten myself into. I'd like to think if I had it to do all over again, I still would have sacrificed myself for the tribe. But I'm not sure anymore. I'm not sure of anything anymore.

My thoughts have been scattered, my brain fried. The room has become darker, though they bring in more candles and even brought me a lamp. My eyes are constantly bothering me and I can't see quite straight. The nightmares come every night now. Though it's possible I haven't been sleeping at all, so how could I have nightmares?

I shook my head, trying to clear the haze and confusion. I was losing my mind. I'd always been a little different growing up, I liked to read books more than playing with Barbie dolls. But I was never crazy- I never heard voices or saw things that weren't there. Not like now.

"Pull it together Bella!" I scolded myself out loud. When did this start you ask? A while ago, I don't really know how many days, maybe even weeks. I remember the first couple times quite vividly, the more recent ones have blurred together.

Ohh yes, I remember the first time I was called to the throne room after I agreed to stay here. It was the day I discovered my true purpose here in Volterra. They had me put on that red dress again and stood me behind Aro. I watched as a trial of sorts unfolded before me. A nomad vampire was pleading before Aro for mercy and leniency. Something told me Aro was not the merciful type.

"I believe you are truly repentant, and I will forgive this infringement," Aro said. That had surprised me. "In fact, I see you having been eying the beautiful Bella here. Your eyes are pitch black you must be starving, would you like her?"

The nomad was thrown off by Aro's sudden generosity but gladly accepted it, much to my dismay. I was pushed forward toward the nomad. His cold hard hands wrapped around me as I struggled uselessly. This was nothing like how Emmet had taken me. The nomad's teeth ripped and tore into my neck, I could feel the massive amount of venom he poured into me. I cried and screamed but the Volturi just watched on in curiosity.

When the nomad finally stopped I crawled away from them, and sat up against a far wall trying to stop the bleeding. I watched as the nomad transformed. He rose to his feet disoriented and confused. Aro, Cauis and Marcus stood from their thrones to examine my work.

"It is true," Cauis admitted.

"You had doubts," Aro asked.

"No, but to actually see such a thing. Well, it is amazing isn't it?"

"It is quite amusing," Aro said.

"What is going on, what have you done?" the nomad blurted out, my blood staining his face.

"You didn't really think you were forgiven did you? The Volturi do not make exceptions."

"Interesting as this is," Marcus spoke for the first time, "what do we do with him now?"

"Waste not, want not," Aro replied as he tilted his head toward the boyish vampire that had escorted me around, Alec I had come to know his name later. Alec approached the nomad and sank his teeth in, drinking him dry amidst his piercing screams.

It was a scene that was replayed time and time again since I had been here. I was their preferred method of execution. Even when they brought in a batch of five newborns, it was me who turned them all back to human before they were bitten for the second and last time. Aro had figured out that I needed time to recoup and heal, but he also knew I healed fast. They pushed my limits. The Volturi simply stored the prisoners for several days before executing them. They became more creative as time passed, not always feeding immediately.

Aro explained to me once before a trial that they prided themselves on treating their human food 'humanely'. The kill was swift and pain quickly over. With the re-turned vampires they showed no such mercy. They were able to play out their darkest fantasies. Blood curing cries of those that had tasted my blood filled the Volturi palace.

Though I don't think that's what actually drove me crazy. No, I know when it started. It was the last vampire of the newborn army from America that threw me over the edge. After he had bit me I crawled away to my familiar corner. They had put a pillow there for me to sit on, it's where I spent most of my days, like a pet to them. With my eyes pinched shut and tears streaming down my face, I heard his voice. The most beautiful sound here in the darkest of all places.

His long lost sweet voice, "Bella, love, I've missed you my sweet princess of the sea," Edward crooned to me. I lifted my eyes and looked around, but Edward was not there.

Another night passed and more newborns were brought in. A pattern arose, every time I was bitten, I would hear Edward's voice afterwards. He would talk to me in the softest melodies and I would just curl myself in that corner listening to him until I was dragged out of the hall to my chamber. Days later I saw him for the first time. His tousled copper hair, his golden eyes and strong jaw line.

I think that was the day I fell off the edge. That was when I realized I had lost it.