Let's all hear it for Impa of the Sheikah, who is doing my disclaimer this chapter! (Begins chanting 'Impa! Impa!' and waving little flags around)

Impa: …Lackofname doesn't own Naruto or Nintendo.

…That was anticlimactic…still, thank you, Impa! YOU HEARD HER, LAWYERS, BACK OFF! To more pressing matters – my 600th review! Thank you to my friend EvilFuzzy9, who I was planning on thanking this chapter anyway…but double thank you now! And thanks to all my reviewers for making my goal of 700 look more realistic!

Thanks also goes out to my friends AngelWing1138, shattered-words, PTalim, Laura J. Rie, and Blue Skittles and Cookies! And once again, thank you EvilFuzzy9!

Now, without further adieu…the chapter! Chock full of spoilers and plot points! HIT IT!

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"It's quiet," Kyuubi observed, voice hushed. He narrowed his eyes. "Perhaps too quiet…"

"I could talk if you want," Naruto offered.

"No one in the world wants you to talk more, twerp, trust me," Kyuubi said dryly. "What are we doing back here, anyway?"

Naruto cast a quick look around the white walls of the Temple of Time. "Remember? The one who is waiting for us at the Temple of Time…?"

Kyuubi raised one eyebrow. "But there's no one here."

Suddenly both Naruto and Kyuubi whipped around, looking startled at the sound behind them. Haku was doubled over on the floor, out of breath and holding up one finger.

"I've…been waiting…for you…Naruto…" he wheezed, getting up to his feet. Kyuubi arched the other eyebrow.

"You're behind us and you came in late. That hardly qualifies as waiting," he snorted incredulously. "I don't suppose you have an excuse?"

Haku struggled to recapture his breath. "…Autographs."

"Oh," Kyuubi blinked. "Alright then, I can accept that."

Haku finally recovered, smoothing his hair and straightening his clothes. "I have one hell of a long speech," he sighed. "So you might as well get comfortable."

"Wait, when you say a long speech, how long do you mean?" Naruto asked.

Haku gave him a flat look. Naruto looked down. "Sorry."

"It's fine," Haku waved a hand. "The longer we stall, the better. I'm not too eager to…well, I can't say just yet. I'm not looking forward to it, though, I can tell you that…"

Naruto cocked his head inquisitively. Haku shook his head. "You'll find out in good time. This chapter, in fact."

"You really should start your speech," Kyuubi drawled. Haku sighed lightly and whipped out some cue cards.

At seeing the reproving look the kitsune was giving him, Haku defended, "I told you, it's a long speech. I couldn't get it all memorized."

Kyuubi shook his head. "Yeah, okay…some survivor of the Sheikah you are…"

"I thought we'd established that I wasn't actually the survivor since Impa was still alive."

"Guys!" Naruto whined. Both fell silent, glaring at each other slightly – although it really was impossible to tell, since Kyuubi had no eyes or face at all, and Haku was still wearing his mask.

"Right," Haku said finally, "Naruto, the Hero of Time. You have overcome many hardships and awakened the six Sages. And now you have a final challenge – a showdown with the King of Evil, the Ruler of Ruthlessness, the Sovereign of Sin, the Leader of Wickedness, the Monarch of Malevolence, the Emperor of Immorality, the Dark Lord…"

"Actually, the Emperor of Immorality title has already been taken by me," Kyuubi piped up, "and the Dark Lord was taken by the Harry Potter books."

"Whatever, you're getting my point here," Haku said flatly. "You've got a showdown with Ganondorf coming up. I think we all understand that much, right?"

"Do I have to?" Naruto whined. Kyuubi smacked him.

"Before that, I have things I want to tell you and only you," Haku told him. "Please listen."

Kyuubi cleared his throat. Haku looked at him in disbelief. "Okay, only you and the fairy. By the Goddesses, are you going to jump down my throat every time I mess up even a little?"

Kyuubi shrugged. "I heckle. What can I say, I'm evil, after all."

Haku muttered darkly under his breath, shooting the kitsune a venomous look. "There's another unknown legend of the Triforce, passed down my people, the Sheikah…"

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The screen changed to the familiar scene of the Goddesses crashing into each other, forming the golden Triforce. Kyuubi snickered slightly.

"If you seek the Sacred Triangle, listen well," Haku began, but Kyuubi cut him off.

"The Sacred Triangle? You're kidding, right? What a pathetic way to refer to an all-powerful relic," the fairy snorted.

"And I don't seek the Triforce," Naruto added blandly. "I'm the hero, right? I'm not supposed to, am I?"

"I'm saying the legend," Haku said tensely. The two wisely fell silent. Haku continued, this time his voice slightly strained to keep calm.

"The resting place of the Sacred Triangle, the Sacred Realm, is a mirror that reflects what is in the heart, the heart of one who enters it," Haku said. "If someone with an evil heart enters it, the realm will become full of evil. Basically, it's hell. If a pure heart enters it, however, the Realm will become a paradise."

"I see…so obviously an evil heart entered the Realm," Kyuubi said with dawning realization. "That explains why we're in this parody!"

The author, though offended, chose not to react to Kyuubi's hurtful statement, instead letting Haku continue with his speech.

"The Triforce is a balance that weighs the three forces; Power, Wisdom, and Courage."

"This is unfair!" Farore interjected from on screen. "Even my element force-y thing is last! Why is Din always first, huh?"

"Oh, shut up," Din said merrily. "You're interrupting, and you're just bitter 'cause you lost."

Farore sputtered in the background, and Haku had to raise his voice slightly to be heard over the Goddesses. "If the heart of the one who holds the Sacred Triangle has all three forces in balance, that one will gain the True Force to govern all. But, if that one's heart is not in balance, the Triforce will separate into three parts; Power, Wisdom and Courage."

Haku paused, shuffled through his cue cards, and continued. "Only one part will remain for the person who touched the Triforce, the one the person most believes in."

Kyuubi snorted. "Yeah, because someone's going to believe in Courage or Wisdom more than Power. Power usually embodies all three. They really should've thought this thing through a little more." There was the sound of someone smacking someone else into a wall. "Damn it, twerp!"

"Thank you," Haku sighed. "If the one who touched it seeks the True Force, that one must acquire the other two parts."

"…Or take a few lessons from Star Wars…" Kyuubi interjected innocently. Another smack was heard. "So help me, twerp, if you do that one more time…"

"The other two parts will be held within others chosen by destiny, who will bear the Triforce mark on the back of their hand," Haku finished quickly.

"So…the Force is strong within them?" Kyuubi supplied helpfully. Naruto sighed, and another smack was heard, this time accompanied by an angry growl. "Alright, that's it, twerp, I'm gonna-!"

The scene ended, fading back to the Temple of Time.

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Back at the Temple of Time, Kyuubi had his hands wrapped tightly around his charge's throat and was throttling the gasping blonde, while Haku stood and watched in boredom, absentmindedly flipping through his cue cards.

"As hard as it is to believe, I'm not done yet," Haku exhaled loudly, leaning back against the wall.

"One…second," Kyuubi struggled to wrap his hands tighter around Naruto's neck, but found that they were too small to manage such a task. Reluctantly, he released him. "Damn my lack of body mass…the second I'm a demon again, I'm going to destroy and entire country…"

"You'll be locked up inside my body, remember?" Naruto gasped, rubbing his throat. Kyuubi cursed loudly.

"Still here, and I still have things to say," Haku said, trying to draw their attention. They continued to bicker, this time Kyuubi drawing his spork threateningly. Rolling his eyes, he threw a cool flashy Sheikah thing at the floor, creating a loud noise and a bright flash. Both heads snapped towards him.

"Hey," Naruto blinked. "You didn't disappear."

Haku shrugged awkwardly. "Uh…they don't actually make you disappear…they just kind of…I'm a Sheikah," he said finally. ""Bask in my mysterious Sheikah ways."

"Oh," Naruto said. "Okay."

Kyuubi gave him a look out of the corners of his eyes, lying down on Naruto's hat. For once, the blonde made an effort not to move or knock him off. "Just so you know, we won't be buying that one for much longer," he commented. Haku tried not to smirk.

"It won't matter whether you believe me or not soon enough," he shrugged. "Can I get back to my speech?"

"By all means," Kyuubi spread his hands in a grand gesture, waiting for Haku to begin again.

"Seven years ago -"

"Not seven."

"Shut up, twerp."

"Seven years ago," Haku repeated, glaring at Naruto meaningfully, "Ganondorf, the King of Thieves, used the door you opened in the Temple of Time – in other words, here – and entered the Sacred Realm, but when he laid his hands on the Triforce, the legend came true. The Triforce separated into three parts, and only the Triforce of Power remained in his hands."

"Told you, everyone goes for power," Kyuubi commented. Haku shushed him a dark look.

"The strength of the Triforce of Power enabled him to become a mighty, evil king, but his dark ambitions were not satisfied," Haku continued. "In order to gain complete mastery of the world, Ganondorf started looking for those chosen by destiny to hold the other two Triforce parts."

"I'm guessing he hasn't found them yet, or else we'd all be dead," Kyuubi drawled. Haku grinned slightly.

"You tell me if he found them or not," he said. "Because the one with the Triforce of Courage is you, Naruto."

Silence. Kyuubi stared at his charge in shock, while Haku grinned in a superior kind of way. Naruto blinked.

"…Hold on, what?" he furrowed his brow in confusion. Haku and Kyuubi crashed to the floor, staring at him in disbelief.

"You have part of the Triforce," Haku repeated, picking himself up off the ground and dusting himself off. "The Courage part, to be exact."

"Really?" Kyuubi raised an eyebrow, sitting up. "The twerp has Courage?"

"Well, what part of the Triforce would you have given him? Wisdom?" Haku snorted. Kyuubi nodded thoughtfully.

"Fair enough."

Naruto began to process what Haku had said. "I have part of the Triforce?"

"Yes," Haku confirmed. Naruto jumped up, pumping his fist into the air.

"HA! In your face, Sasuke, wherever you are!" he beamed triumphantly. "I have part of the Triforce! How do like that, bastard?"

"Don't speak too soon," Kyuubi warned. Haku nodded.

"Right. The one who holds the Triforce of Wisdom, the other chosen by destiny, is the seventh Sage, who is destined to be the ruler of them all," Haku informed him. Naruto's face fell.

"Not another Temple…" he groaned. Haku chuckled.

"No…the seventh Sage will come to you," he said knowingly. He held up his hand, and the Triforce mark appeared there, glowing brightly. Naruto and Kyuubi gaped.

"No way!" Kyuubi recovered first, cursing and searching himself for something. "I was so sure…"

"HA! Legendary Sucker, no more!" Tsunade yelled from off screen. "Cough up the cash, kitsune! I told you, you should've have placed such a large bet!"

"Haku? You're the seventh Sage?" Naruto asked him in complete surprise, ignoring the exchange between his fairy and the Godaime. Haku merely smiled, this time a hint of sadness in it, and the Triforce mark began to glow blindingly bright.

Once the light had faded, Naruto rubbed his eyes, moaning softly. "Ow…too bright…"

"YES!" Kyuubi shouted. "How do you like that, you old hag? My bet was right after all! You owe me ten times my stakes!"

"No!" Tsunade screeched in dismay. "That's some kind of fluke! This is unfair!"

"What's going on?" Naruto demanded. "I'm still seeing spots…"

Someone hit him on the back of the head, but the fist was too large to be Kyuubi's. Naruto stiffened, rubbing his eyes frantically, desperately trying to get his eyes to refocus. Once they had, Naruto didn't bother to stifle to onslaught of giggles that overcame him.

"Shut up," Sasuke warned, crossing his arms and looking desperately as though he wanted to be somewhere – anywhere – else. His pale, pale pink skirt reached the floor, and the sleeveless, filmy shirt a deep magenta. A delicate circlet with a bright pinkish-red ruby held back a few loose bangs, and several dangly bracelets decorated each wrist. Two crystal earrings hung from his ears, and, to his intense embarrassment, his face was decorated elegantly with make-up.

Several girls in the audience giggled and cooed at him. He closed his eyes and tried to keep calm, something that was hard to do while he was looking so murderous. "It is I, the Princess of Hyrule, Zelda," he ground out, cracking his knuckles warningly.

Naruto clutched his stomach, dropping to the floor and rolling, tears leaking from his eyes. His laughter mingled with Kyuubi's triumphant shouts and Tsunade's sobs. "Oh, god, it hurts…this is too funny…oh, man, the pain…"

"Shut up! I have a speech to say and then I can get the hell out of here!" Sasuke yelled furiously.

Naruto's laughter subsided after a few more minutes. Once he had finally calmed himself, he sat down in the middle of the floor, thinking. Kyuubi, having collected an I.O.U on his substantial bet, sat atop Naruto's head.

"Okay, let me get this all straight," he said conversationally. "Not that I'm complaining here, but you, Zelda, have the Triforce of Wisdom. The twerp here has the Triforce of Courage."

"Unbelievable, isn't it?" Sasuke said, completely uninterested. Naruto frowned.

"Hey! I have courage!" he pouted.

"Shut up, both of you," Kyuubi snapped, looking offended. "The Triforce is completely racist. If it really was planning on giving the one with the most Wisdom that piece of the Triforce, then rightfully, it should be mine. The entire downfall of Hyrule never would have happened, but no, the entire kingdom was ruined because the Triforce only applies to Hylians." The fairy concluded by shaking his head sadly. "The entire thing could've been avoided."

"While you were rambling, you seem to have forgotten one little thing," Sasuke pointed out. "Ganondorf isn't a Hylian. He's a Gerudo, which disproves your whole theory."

Kyuubi fell silent. "…Shut up. At least I'm not wearing a skirt," he groused sulkily.

"WILL EVERYONE SHUT UP ABOUT THE DIN-DAMNED SKIRT?" Sasuke screeched, turning bright red very fast.

"Shouldn't the Triforce of Wisdom gone to someone like Shikamaru?" Naruto mused, stroking his chin thoughtfully.

"SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU!" Sasuke yelled. "I'M THE ONE WITH THE DAMNED TRIFORCE OF WISDOM, ALRIGHT? ACCEPT IT SO WE CAN MOVE ON WITH OUR DAMNED LIVES!"

"You know, maybe Neji would've gotten it," Naruto said to Kyuubi conversationally. Kyuubi nodded.

"Yes, he does has this sort of wisdom to him," he agreed. "Shikamaru would probably just say it was troublesome and ignore it. I still say it should be mine, though."

Sasuke activated his Sharingan. Both Naruto and Kyuubi fell silent. "I have spent hours on end in my trailer trying to memorize this entire damn speech," he said, eerily calm. "If you don't let me get on with it, I will kill you both. And I'll enjoy it."

"Yes, ma'am," the two of them chorused, shrinking back when Sasuke gave them a look that practically oozed venom.

"I apologize," Sasuke snorted slightly, "for meeting you in disguise, but it was necessary to hide from the King of Evil."

"Wait a minute! Sasuke was in disguise…?" Naruto frowned, before he gasped, eyes flying wide open. "Are you saying that you were actually Haku?"

Sasuke developed a twitch. Kyuubi, helpfully, thudded a fist against Naruto's head.

"Zelda was Sheik, but Haku and Sasuke are different people," Kyuubi explained. "Now shut up before the nice Princess loses her patience and kills us both."

"Oh," Naruto nodded slightly. "I was wondering how Sasuke would've attacked himself in a fight…"

"Wait a minute, I'm immortal," Kyuubi remembered. "What do I care?"

"SHUT UP!" Sasuke bellowed. Silence reigned, allowing him to continue. "On that day, seven years ago – don't say anything, dead last, it was seven years – Ganondorf attacked Hyrule castle…"

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The screen showed a black-and-white version of a scene shown twice so far – once as a dream sequence, and another time when it actually happened. Katsuyu, the giant slug-horse, began inching her way through the drawbridge, with Sasuke and Kakashi sitting on her back, looking impatient and reading porn respectively. The young black-and-white Naruto 'ran' out of the way.

"I saw you as I was escaping from the castle with my attendant, Impa," Sasuke droned with a sigh. "I thought I should entrust the Ocarina of Time to you. I hindsight, that was really stupid of me to trust you with anything, but I figured it was out best chance."

"And you regretted it from that day forward," Kyuubi said solemnly. There was a sound as if someone was being flicked into a wall. "For Din's sake, twerp! It isn't required that someone hits me during every cut-scene, you know!"

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"I thought if you had the Ocarina, Ganondorf couldn't enter the Sacred Realm, but then you were stuck in there for seven years," Sasuke said. "Ganondorf got the Triforce, invaded the Sacred Realm, and became an evil king. All of this is an unfortunate coincidence."

Kyuubi gaped. "An unfortunate coincidence? Zelly, you screwed up bad. You can't possibly be trying to pass this off as an 'unfortunate coincidence'. Honestly…"

"I may be a Princess, but that still makes me a your superior," Sasuke said threateningly. "If I say it's a damn coincidence, then it is."

Kyuubi snorted. "Sure thing, my Royal Cross-dresser."

Sasuke reactivated his Sharingan. Naruto clamped a hand over where he was pretty sure Kyuubi's mouth was.

"I passed myself off as a Sheikah and waited seven years," Sasuke said, rushing his words, trying to finish his speech faster. "Now that you're back, the dark age can end. The six Sages will open the sealed door and lure Ganondorf back into the Sacred Realm, and I'll seal the door to the Sacred Realm from this world. Ganondorf will vanish from Hyrule, until the game makers decide to bring him back to life via a plot device so they can make another game."

"And you'll get Ganondorf into the Sacred Realm…how?" Kyuubi drawled. Sasuke looked at Naruto.

"That's his job," he said, bored. Naruto looked crestfallen.

"Why?" he whined. "Can't someone else do it? Like…I don't know, get Sai back here again."

"HELL NO," both Sasuke and Kyuubi yelled at him. Naruto's eyes were wide and he squeaked slightly.

"Okay," he peeped. Sasuke closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, while Kyuubi settled for glaring at him warningly.

"To make things easier for you, I'm going to give you the scared arrows of light," Sasuke said, snapping his fingers. Nothing happened. He frowned, twitching again.

"I'm sorry," Iruka ran on screen, holding the bundle of Light arrows gingerly. "They went missing around chapter twenty-nine – some insane girl who claimed to be a light warrior princess stole them…they've been sprayed with disinfectant and made safe to use now. Sorry for the delay."

"None of this is my problem," Sasuke said slowly. "I don't care. Give him the arrows so I can get on with my life and out of this damned dress."

Iruka tried to force back a smile, handing over the Light arrows. Naruto studied them eagerly. "Oh boy! Thanks, Iruka-sensei!" he grinned. Iruka smiled and walked off screen, the screen beginning to shake and rumble just as he left.

Sasuke's eyes went wide. "What the fu -"

He was suddenly encased a clear pink crystal. Sasuke banged his fists furiously against it, activating his Sharingan instinctively. Orochimaru's creepy voice rang out clearly, a dark chuckle echoing off the walls.

"Zelda, you traitor," he sneered. "I commend you for avoiding me for seven long years…but you came back to me. They always do…"

Sasuke narrowed his eyes. "You idiot, I did not."

There was a pause, and Orochimaru said quietly, "Oh, yeah. But you did let your guard down! I knew you would appear if I let this kid run around!"

"Right, you let me run around," Naruto said skeptically.

"You keep telling yourself that," Kyuubi snickered.

"Shut up," Orochimaru whined. "I'm saying my cool bad-guy speech now. My turn to talk."

"So sorry," Kyuubi apologized. "My charge here sometimes forgets that we evil guys have feelings, too."

Orochimaru paused again. "…Kyuubi? Is that you?"

"Yeah."

"Hey! Haven't heard from you in awhile!" Orochimaru greeted. "Let's see…the Villains' Convention last summer, wasn't it?"

"You remembered!" Kyuubi mock-gushed.

Naruto coughed loudly and pointedly. Kyuubi rolled his eyes. "Right, sorry, you had something to say?"

"Only that I slightly underestimated the power of this kid," Orochimaru hissed, but suddenly sniggered. "No…it was the power of the Triforce of Courage that I misjudged…but, with Princess Zelda's Triforce of Wisdom, I'll soon have all three parts, and become the true ruler of the world!"

Sasuke hissed at him. "Like hell! The only way you could get it is by taking it with force!"

"That's not all I plan to take with force, Princess," Orochimaru said slyly. Sasuke's eyes went extremely wide and fearful. Naruto turned very green, and Kyuubi looked stricken. A very irate Itachi marched on screen, followed by a nervous security team.

"No matter HOW much I hate that," Itachi pointed at his brother trapped in the crystal, "I am NOT going to allow you to do that to an Uchiha!"

"What?" Orochimaru said with false innocence. "I was merely referring to that lovely circlet he's wearing around his head. It's very pretty. I figured I might be able to sell it on Ebay or something."

Itachi didn't look convinced, but he marched off screen anyway, sending scathing looks at Genma and Raidou as they followed. Sasuke pounded on the crystal walls again.

"Dead last, if you don't save me, I swear I'll kill you," he threatened, before the crystal disappeared in a flash.

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Ganon's Castle hovered slightly above a dark pit of lava, floating on a large chunk of rock. Dark, wispy clouds circled around it's tall towers, and spikes lines the tall fortress walls. Dark chunks of rubble lay strewn where the lush green field used to be, and the sky had darkened almost completely. Naruto stared up at it in horror, Kyuubi flitting around his head clicking his tongue disapprovingly.

"Honestly, I always love that homey kind of depressing look to a castle, but this is just overboard," Kyuubi shook his head. "You'd think a Dark King would be eager to kill people off; I'd murder his decorator, if I were him."

"Kyuubi, stop critiquing, dattebayo," Naruto scowled. "Look at what he's done to Hyrule Castle!"

Kyuubi looked at him strangely. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure that's what I was doing, twerp," he said factually.

"Ahem," someone cleared his throat noisily. "Hello…? Been trying to get your attention over here."

Naruto looked around blindly, and the voice sighed. "It's Rauru."

Both Kyuubi and Naruto looked at each other blankly. The Sandaime tried again. "The Sage of Light…? You knew me for a five-minute explanatory sequence, and I told you to go to the Temple of Time last chapter, remember?"

"Oh," they chorused in realization.

"Hi, Naruto!" Sakura's voice was faint.

"Saria says hello," The Sandaime sighed.

"Tell him we all say hi, too!" Jiraiya shouted from the background. "Oh, and tell him he's an idiot for not kissing that ranch girl last chapter! He had the perfect opportunity!"

"W-What?" Naruto stammered. Kyuubi grinned, rolling his eyes.

The Sandaime sighed again, resigned. "The other Sages say hello, too."

"Uh, hi," Naruto said awkwardly. The Sandaime's voice grew slightly fainter. "Naruto says hello to you, too. Now if you don't mind, I'm supposed to tell him that we'll gather our power to make him a bridge."

"That's okay," Naruto called. "Um, I heard you. That would be helpful, thanks."

Rainbow coloured lights began raining down from the sky, forming a strange, crystal-like bridge over the lava pit across to the entrance. The lights seemed to dance along the sloped edges.

"That should hold up," The Sandaime assured Naruto. "Inside, there are six evil barriers protecting Ganon's Tower. You'll know which one Ganon's Tower is because it's the big barrier-protected thing in the middle."

Naruto nodded to show he understood.

"Now get in there and save Princess Zelda," The Sandaime declared. His voice grew faint again. "Now, what were the votes again? We have three votes on pizza, two votes on Chinese take-out…" With an audible click, the Sandaime's voice was cut off, leaving a loud silence. Naruto gulped, tentatively testing the bridge, tapping it lightly with his foot. It was solid.

"Here we go, twerp," Kyuubi breathed. "The beginning of the end."

"Please don't say it's the end," Naruto paled. Kyuubi smirked slightly, sitting on top of his hat and patting his head comfortingly.

"Here we go."

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Alright! I was worried this would end up being a really short chapter…but it turned out as long as the others! Coming up next chapter, Naruto does all new, never before seen mini-Temples, that are not at all just condensed, rip off versions of the actual Temples themselves! Honest!

Stay tuned, and thanks for watching! Uh, reading. I meant reading.