A/N: I'll keep this brief, sorry for not updating for a week. I saw R5 in concert and had the best time ever, kind of lost my voice. Side note, I'm so sorry if it's not up to par, it's just that I'm not feeling well. I worked hard on this chapter, so kindly review darlings.
Disclaimer: I don't own Austin and Ally or The Disney Channel. I don't own the song lyrics either. xo
Austin's POV- Time Skip
I really need to stop fucking up. Ugh!
Well I'm sure that it didn't help that Logan definitely kissed her when he walked into her hotel room and you were just on the other end of the phone.
Still, even though I'm not entirely thrilled with the outcome...
You didn't have to start with the cursing.
I swear I like to..
Shoot yourself in the foot? Uh, yeah pretty much. Alright, so now that Ally's with Logan there's nothing you can do while you're here in rehab. So, let's focus on how to deal with others a little more how shall I put this.. less volatile.
But Cole, I wonder what the fuck his deal is.
Well, we know his background and what he went through, but who knows if that's the real reason he's basically personally took it upon himself to make you his target. Let's think did we say anything to provoke him?
There's a knock at the door, it's Dr. Jones telling me that I need to be in Dr. Smith's office for our one-on-one session now. I've never seen a therapist before or talked to anyone else really about my problems except for Ally or Dez and maybe my parents, so I have no idea how this is going to go. I'm kind of nervous, although I've heard that whatever I say in their office is strictly confidential. I walk to see the door ajar and make my presence known.
"Austin, please come in." I walk into Dr. Smith's office, see that it's a pale blue color and that the color alone calms me. The white walls in my room makes me feel like I'm in a psych ward, so this is definitely something new. I notice that she has her Masters Degree on the wall from Brown. I can see pictures of her family on her desk, she has two little boys and a husband. That's what I want...I want a family of my own.
"Hi. Dr. Smith." I play with the hair on the back of my neck nervously, it's kind of this tick that I have. Only people who are close to me would recognize this.
"So Austin, you have been in our facility for a few weeks now. Do you feel like you're making any progress?"
"Well, there's been a lot of reflection, but seeing as this is my first one-on-one session...erm, well I'm not sure what you will think." I start to crack my knuckles and interlock my fingers to stretch them accidentally cracking my wrist as well.
"Alright, well then let's get started. Austin, what made you decide to check into rehab?"
"Well, you see. I was making some poor decisions, I had just lost the girl I love...the love of my life actually Ally Dawson. I just took her for granted, I was stupid. I made things worse when I took it upon myself to let a random girl climb onto my lap at a night club and did a line off of cocaine off her chest. All because I was jealous that some guy was kissing her in a video that was sent to me of her at a bar in Ireland. What I say here is strictly confidential right?"
Dr. Smith nods and I continue, "A member of her family died from a drug overdose. This person had overdosed on cocaine that was laced with heroin. It was a really bad point in Ally's life as she was close to the person that passed away from it."
"Who was Ally's family member that she was close to that lost their battle with drugs?"
"Molly, her cousin Molly. She and Molly were the best of friends and Ally had no idea that there was even a problem with her until it was too late. Molly didn't tell anyone about her issues, she lost a fight that she could have won had she said something. I love Ally, so I decided that a rehab center would straighten me out and keep me clean and hopefully put me on a straight path."
"Austin, you're not an addict." She said it very gently but firmly at the same time.
"No, I know that I'm not, but I can't take that chance. I can't become addicted to drugs when I already have a problem with alcohol. It'll be like I took the midnight train going anywhere. I already lost Ally, the only chance I have of ever working things out with her is to find myself again. I want to be the guy that she fell in love with all those years ago, I want to be worthy of her."
"Well, you do have quite the reputation. This is not going to be an easy feat for you to overcome Austin."
"Yes, I'm well aware that I'm a womanizer and took advantage of the fact that I'm a huge Pop Star or I was. I honestly thought that I'd be okay with random hookups and never settling down.."
"But-" Dr. Smith cuts me off mid thought, "Someone changed your mind?" I nod my head even when it's hanging down, "Okay then, well let's discuss your goals."
"I want Ally to believe me when I tell her that I love her and miss her."
She's sitting in a chair across from me and leans forward lowering her glasses, "She doesn't now?"
"No." I say simply and just that word alone is something that I wish I could change.
"And why do you think that is? That Ally doesn't believe you."
"I think it's because I'm not giving her the space that she needs. I think that it's because I took her for granted for so long that she just stopped caring about her, about me, about us as a couple. Honestly, doc it's killing me not being with her. It's like nothing really matters more to me than she does, not that she would believe it but what's this all for anyways if I can't be with her in the end?"
"I see. What exactly are you trying to say Austin?"
"My goal is to get Ally back, then well I'm going to make the ultimate commitment to her. There's only one problem..."
"Other than your actions?"
"Yes, and that's Logan."
"And who is this Logan fellow to Ally?"
"Her new boyfriend."
"I see and you're upset because Ally's moved on. How long have you been broken up with Ally, Austin?"
"Seven years."
"Come again? Did I hear that right?" She pauses, shakes her head in disbelief. I can tell that she's trying to stay detached emotionally but I can't blame Dr. Smith for reacting the way that she is. "That's a long time Austin, she waited that long to be with someone else? Did you think that Ally would just wait forever for you to get your act together?"
"I'm not saying that's what I thought, but to be honest. Yeah, I guess it was. I guess I assumed that since Ally for the longest time was always there, I'd be able to fuck around with multiple girls and then when I got bored...well I'd go right back to Ally never actually having to commit to her."
"Ah, well forgive me for saying this but you are a serious Narcissist. I also think that you have commitment issues."
"You don't have to apologize. Everyone has pretty much called me out on it or alluded to it, I'm starting to realize that it's the truth."
"May I ask how you've started to come to these enlightening points made towards you? What's that you're holding in your hand?"
"Ally's songbook." I pause, she motions for me to continue, "You see. This songbook I have is basically Ally's diary. Sure there are songs in it, but there is so much more to it. It's our story, our history. The good, the bad, and the ugly."
"Would you like to read me an excerpt?"
I swallow, my knee starts to go up and down subconsciously."Is-Is it too soon since this is our first session?"
"No, not if you want to Austin. It's up to you."
I clear my throat, open up to the last entry in Ally's songbook before she left.
Dear Songbook
I feel like my entire world has been shattered. Austin, I don't even know who he is anymore. He just fired me as his songwriter, he never felt it noteworthy to tell me that he wasn't happy with my recent songwriting for him. Sitting in Jimmy's office the moment just felt poignant and I knew that it was truly the end of Austin and Ally, in any way possible. I knew that we could never be friends, partners, or lovers again. Austin has hurt me for the last time. As I sit here, I've realized that as much as I love him..he will always be waiting for the next best looking girl. I'll just never be enough for him. I've tried so hard to keep my sparkle, but honestly I don't even feel like myself anymore and if I'm honest I haven't in the past couple of years. My eyes, you know...they used to sparkle because of him and now I just feel empty and lifeless. I put on this brave face and smile even though I'm dying on the inside, Trish is the only one that can really see the pain. I can't mask it when I'm around her. It hurts to think that Austin was the one when we're just a sad love song playing over and over again every single night and day. How could he not read in between the lines and see my pain? Well, Austin.. he chooses to be an arrogant man, who thinks he's God's gift to women, so essentially a textbook narcissist. I'm sure you're thinking well, if you love him so much how can you say these things about him Ally? Honestly...it's because it's the truth. You see, now that I've been heartbroken for the millionth time by him of course, the clarity I have right now feels very surreal. The truth hurts, I actually just wrote a letter for him, and I'm going to have Trish give it to him. I'm leaving tomorrow so I really need to get packing. I'm giving up on Austin, letting go of him seven years of pining for him. It's time to focus on me now, my career. I'm going to be going on an international tour and I honestly need the distraction. I feel like if I'm busy then I won't have time to be heartbroken and completely irreparable because of Austin. A part of me may always be in love with Austin Moon, but I've had enough. I deserve to be someone's first choice, while that guy hasn't shown up yet, well I'm choosing me over Austin now. Maybe someday I'll be okay and learn to love again. I don't know when that will be, but I hope whoever that guy is he's really special and makes me feel alive and reminds me what it's like to be actually loved by a real man, not some man-child.
Love always,
A Very Heartbroken Ally
"May I see that entry for myself Austin?" I hand over the songbook to her, "Please be careful, the songbook is really important to Ally and it's also very important to me." Dr. Smith makes sure that she treats Ally's worn songbook delicately.
"Does she know that you have this?" I shake my head, "Well, how does this particular entry make you feel, and what about the letter she wrote you and just that day in general?"
"Okay one thing at a time doc."
"Alright, let's start with the story first."
"Okay, so basically what happened was... I had met this girl. She was really pretty and told me that she was a songwriter, now I'm a guy so I was thinking with my dick, not my head. Anyways, so this girl Tiffany was gorgeous and I am a very trusting person, I guess that you could say that's my flaw. Ironically enough it used to be Ally that was too trusting, but over the years we've interchanged roles. I thought that Tiffany was telling me the truth when she said she was a songwriter. I foolishly hired her without even looking to see if she had any credentials...
Flashback
"Both of you. Have a seat." We sat down in the two chairs in front of Jimmy's desk spaced decently apart.
"Now Ally. I'm sure you are wondering why you are here." I sensed her starting to fidget in her seat and my nerves took control of me. I refused to even make eye contact with her, "Austin has something to tell you Ally." I didn't even notice that she looked absolutely beautiful that day until I looked up at her.
"Austin? Austin look at me. Just say whatever it is you have to say." She pleaded with me to tell her what was going on, and I didn't respect her enough to just man up.
"Ally, I don't want you to be my songwriter anymore." Once the words were said, there was no going back. I knew that, while I thought that things would be bad I had no idea what the ramifications were going to be.
"I've already found another songwriter and Jimmy and I have already hired her." I said to her and there was no emotion whatsoever in my voice. I must have sounded like a cold-hearted bastard. A beast truly emotionally, while Ally was the living version of Belle.
"Her?" Her voice was strained and I could tell that I shattered her entire being that instant the word 'Her' was said. She knew once again I wasn't just replacing her with a warm body, but someone else that was going to be in my bed, but also my songwriter, therefore replacing my 'best friend' leading her to believe that she was no longer needed or wanted in my life. I don't know how the fuck I let this happen.
"Ally it's nothing personal." Jimmy says trying to reassure her and covering my ass, "It's just business. You and Austin aren't writing songs the way that you used to, and he's just not happy with your 'partnership' anymore."
Ashamed, I couldn't bear to even look at her, "Austin? Is this all true." I didn't use words just movements to convey that it was all indeed true..
Jimmy spoke up on my behalf, "Ally, I'm sorry but consider this your termination. Good luck to you in your future endeavors."
Ally keeps herself poised and professional."Thank you Jimmy for at least having enough respect to call me in and not tell me this over the phone. I appreciate it, it was nice doing business with you. Thank you. Good luck to you and Austin as well." I could see her trying to maintain her composure, but it was definitely fleeting her by the seconds that passed by. Ally gets up and on instinct, I grab her arm. Why I'm not sure? Maybe it's because I knew the second she left the conference room everything we had was going to fall to pieces. She glared at me, "DON'T YOU TOUCH ME. I'm going to do you a favor by not causing a scene here and embarrassing you. If I were you I'd heed my warning and let me the fuck go." It was only loud enough for me to hear and was chilling my bones. She shakes Jimmy's hand before she leaves, rips her arm out of my grasp.
I remember thinking to myself, "What have I done?" But it was too late, or was it? It took me all of a minute to realize that I had to chase after her. She was getting ready to speed out of my life and was going faster than the speed of light. I ran to her and into that parking lot like my life depended on it. I banged on her window, she ignored me at first but when she put her convertible top down I jumped in. "ALLY!"
"I have nothing to say to you Austin." She reached over me, open the passenger door as a way of telling me to get out.
"Ally. I need to talk to you. Baby please." Now, normally when I call her baby she'd be falling all over me, probably silently rejoicing in victory but not this time. "What did you just call me?" She turned her entire body toward me and the fire in her eyes reflected in her voice as she questioned what I had just said.
"Baby, Please just listen to me." Whenever I'm in trouble 'Baby' normally gets me out of the doghouse.
" You've said more than enough to me today Austin. OH, AND I'M NOT YOUR BABY SINCE YOU'RE NOT MAN ENOUGH TO JUST FUCKING ADMIT THAT YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CAR NOW." She was right, but I wasn't about to back down without fighting for her. "Yes, you are. You-" She didn't even let me finish, I can't say that I blame her. The words, "Too little too late."come out of her mouth and I can see that she's had enough of my shit. I was almost out of options, so before getting out of her car I reached for her hand one last time. I honestly should have just stayed in the car with her. I see that now. When I get out and shut the door she peels out of the parking lot. She didn't cry once in front of me, just held back the tears and any of the emotion that she was feeling. I couldn't understand for the longest time why she wouldn't let her guard down, I'm realizing now that it's because she was so beyond over it.
"The night before Ally left, I couldn't sleep at all. It wasn't an unusual occurrence as I normally have difficulty sleeping whenever I'm fighting with her and we don't resolve the fight before we go to sleep."
"I see." She's got her notepad on her lap and I can see her writing things down.
"I tossed and turned that entire night. I couldn't get through to Dez and I was losing my mind. Trish was the only one not ignoring me, but she went to do damage control on my behalf. I had tried texting Ally at least four times and she ignored every single one. So I went to go and look for her, I found her in my best friends arms and they were kissing. Before you ask, I was angry, so much so that I punched him right in front of Ally. Ally had told me to just leave her alone, that was also the first night that I told her that I love her and that I'm in love with her."
"Well, do you see how and why Ally doesn't believe you? It seems like you were just grasping at anything to keep her."
"Well, not really. You see I kissed her thinking it would make everything better, she would instantly forgive and forget, but I was wrong. As for the letter, well it's in the songbook folded, you just have to find it."
Dr. Smith goes through the songbook and finds the letter, she asks if she may read it aloud to me and I agree to it.
** The Letter **
Dear Austin,
By the time you read this, I will already be gone. I don't really know what to say, honestly I can't believe I'm even writing you this because quite frankly you don't even deserve that. I'm going on an international tour with Dez. Ronnie called me yesterday and I'm leaving in less than an hour. It is fine because we said our goodbyes last night. Even if you did somehow get to me before the jet takes off, you're not going to stop me. I have put your needs before mine for so long all because I love you. I really wish that I didn't, but when it comes to love we really don't have a say in the matter. We're done Austin. You have hurt me in a way that is actually impossible to explain. I have put up with so much from you and for so long that I have nothing left. I can't go on fighting and loving you enough for the both of us anymore. So to quote Papa Roach,
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
The lyrics speak for themselves especially I tear my heart open just to feel. I'd rather be completely numb than love you the way that I do. That being said, your behavior yesterday was absolutely atrocious. What were you thinking when you punched Dez? Then, you proceeded to say everything to me under the sun except for what matters. I'm not going to come rushing back into your arms. I'm going to be extremely candid with what follows next. You don't love me Austin. You are not in love with me, you just love the idea of being with me. But even still your words are just empty promises. Excuse after excuse of us not being together because you didn't want it to impact our songwriting negatively. We're grown adults now, but the impacting the songwriting that's not the real reason now is it? Honestly, the issue is you. You're a man whore. You traipse around acting completely narcissistic and like you are God's gift to women. Well, you're not. You want to fuck some groupies? Go right ahead. I'm not stopping you, and honestly I really don't care what you do from this point on. I may love you, but I really don't like or even respect you now. Not in the way I used to, before you betrayed me. I hope that your new floosie songwriter whoever she is was worth destroying our friendship and our poor excuse for whatever the fuck you want to call our relationship was. Look at what you did to me, you're no longer good for me. I can't believe that I actually thought that you and I would end up together. Truth is, I should have walked away from you years ago and gotten involved with someone else. Even Elliott, Ethan and Dallas would have been better, probably have treated me better. Loving you has only brought me pain especially since you have been stringing me along for years now. I was foolish to believe that you genuinely cared about us and you wanted to be with me just as much as I wanted to be with you. I have put you first for so long, and now I'm putting myself first. I really don't care if you need me, because I don't need you to be successful. You need to let me go. I used to always believe in us and that we'd be a chain that never breaks, or a truth that never bends, and that you would be the glue to take my broken heart and put it back again, but I don't any longer. So thank you for setting me free, giving me the opportunity to be happy doing what I love. Performing and being on stage, that's the one thing I can actually thank you for..ridding me of my stage fright. This heartbreak is going to make me a stronger individual. So, I guess this is goodbye. Enjoy your life and career without me.
-Ally
Dr. Smith finishes reading the letter that Ally wrote me, "Well Austin, it looks like we have our work cut out for us. There's no way that we can fix you over-night but at least we know where to start."
"We do?" I ask her, there's an edge to my voice, "Where might that be?"
A/N: Sorry for the cliffhanger, but this chapter is crazy long at the moment. It needs to be split. Love ya. xo