Bonus Arc (HSKC)
The Pervert Puzzle
Part Nine
"Now, now. Don't be like that. You know, contrary to your opinion of me, I'm not very good at things like this. It's not really something I try often, so you know that it's really about the circumstance and not like I'm just your everyday penny pincher!"
"Customer-san, I get that, ok? How many years do you think we've been doing business? I could probably recite your resume by heart, we've known each other for so long."
"That's exactly it! That's the kind of relationship we have. It wasn't just me thinking that, was it? You know it too!"
"Customer-san, I'm not denying that. I'll be perfectly honest, sometimes we get some really nasty characters coming into the shop. But you've never once been like that. The staff here really appreciate your patronage. I'm sure you've noticed that we put extra toppings on all your orders."
"Of course, of course, and I'm truly thankful for that. I understand that favoritism isn't something you can show openly in an industry like yours. I give thanks to you guys ten times before savoring each and every bite."
"It's not a problem. As we've already established, our current relationship is definitely something that neither of us want to ruin. It's in appreciation of that fact that we want you to know that we're always willing to put in the effort to ensure that we can accommodate your order in a diligent and satisfactory manner."
"That's it, that's it! Really, you guys are nothing like the other chains. It's why I've always ordered from here, even when the other chains sent me limited-time 2-for-1 coupons. That's the reason why I was counting on you guys to come through here."
"Customer-san, once again, we really appreciate your trust and commitment to our store-"
"Don't try and sugarcoat it. We're like family, you know that? It's not just about scratching each others' backs anymore; we're at the stage where we can scratch each others' kids' backs too."
"Well, I wouldn't go that far-"
"So, I have no intention of troubling you guys, who are like my family. It's just, I only have 4000 yen. That's a fact. And the other fact is that my order costs 4158 yen after you add in taxes and the delivery fee. Now, you guys already have the order made; it'd be more troubling to just cancel the order because I'm missing a measly 158 yen. What would you do with all that pizza? And your manager would definitely be furious about that and I wouldn't be able to live with having caused you so much grief. So all I'm saying is, for both of our sakes, you know-?"
"...Customer-san. First of all, would you please stop trying to haggle down the price? This isn't a store stall out on the streets looking to score some cash from suckers who have money flooding from their pockets. Our prices are fixed to any and everyone who orders from this store. If you can't pay for the order right now, we can open up a tab or charge your credit card instead."
"Ah, really? That's great. I feel like a load's been taken off my mind. In that case, please just open up a tab under my name and deliver the pizza."
"...Customer-san. These are my sincere feelings. I really think that you're a good guy and I even feel like you're someone I can be friends with. But please...please stop asking for the impossible."
"But you just said I could open a tab. Look, if you really can't do that, then can you pay the difference? You know I'm good for the loan-"
"Customer-san, for the last time, WE CAN'T DELIVER TO A HOT-AIR BALLOON FLYING ABOVE BONYARI!"
"That again...look, why don't we talk about what this is really about. How was I supposed to know that Domino's was the name of your store chain the very first time? It sounds like a bike rental place and you know it! It wasn't like I intentionally stole that delivery bike, that was a complete accide-"
"Tch...this idiot," growled the labcoat girl, a vein throbbing above her eye. "WOULD YOU SHUT UP? How much crap do you have to spew out of your mouth to order a goddamn pizza-"
Heaving a sigh that seemed to deflate her entire body, the labcoat girl massaged her temples and returned to the problem at hand.
The stone tablet leading to "Netorare Neko-chan!".
"How is it, Miyamoto Ruri? Any progress yet?"
"No...I'm sorry. It's true that English is my preferred second language, but I thought that I might be able to interpret at least some of the inscriptions..."
The labcoat girl's brow furrowed. She was having similar difficulties with the puzzle. Not to be arrogant, but the labcoat girl did have a genius-level intellect, having been able to construct her own army of giant robots, discover the truth about the governing metaphysics of this entire universe, and build her own organization of poorly paid, but stylishly dressed minions for the sake of discreetly ruining the romantic opportunities between a bunch of high schoolers.
Even so, all her knowledge and experience was drawing a blank on the inscriptions here. Over thirty minutes had passed already, meaning that they had wasted half of their fuel for nothing.
"Damn it...it's going to get annoying if we have to get back on the ground and deal with those cannon fodder before solving the puzzle..." said the labcoat girl, chewing on her thumb. "Onodera Kosaki. Have you thought of any ideas?"
"Oh my god...that's amazing! So that's how you make a paper crane!"
"That's not a paper crane, that's a work of art! Did you see that perfect inside reverse fold? Not a single crease is even a millimeter out of place!"
"Ehehe...it's not that great..." said Kosaki, scratching her cheek sheepishly.
"Kosaki-chan..."
"Onodera..."
Kosaki jumped as black flames began radiating out towards her.
"I-It's not what it looks like, Ruri-chan!" said Kosaki, surrounded by black suits struggling to make their own paper cranes. "It's just...You know how they say you can get a wish if you make a thousand cranes? So, I was thinking maybe if we all made origami cranes, it could help solve the puzzle...or something...ahaha..."
Kosaki's voice withered away. She started losing confidence in those words even as they came out of her mouth.
"Ah, I see. Good thinking, Kosaki-chan."
"Yeah. I never thought about it that way. You're onto something there, Onodera Kosaki."
"Eh? Really?"
Both Ruri and the labcoat girl pinched Kosaki's cheeks and pulled hard.
"Aph sopphy..." said Kosaki, tears forming in her eyes.
"Well, it's not like I can fault you," said Ruri, letting go of Kosaki's cheek. "This kind of stuff isn't your specialty, but you're still trying your best..."
"Ruri-chan..."
More black flames erupted from Ruri, her hair whipping into the air like a demon's aura.
It's all this stupid puzzle's fault! There's not even a linguistic base for any of these scribbles, it's like some sort of child was given a rock and a chisel and just got lucky enough to make something that seems to have a repeating pattern and structure that looks like it could bear just the faintest bit of resemblance to some sort of grammatical syntax-
"Ruri-chan..."
"Perhaps these inscriptions were made using a one-time pad encryption..."
"No, a one-time pad is too risky and complicated to construct properly in a real situation..."
"It's likely not using an asymmetric key encryption if we consider the age of the DVD..."
"Maybe some sort of polyalphabetic cipher...but none of this looks like a recognizable language..."
"If we look at it from the perspective of steganography-"
"Wait, perhaps its based off the Voynich manuscript..."
Question marks appeared over Kosaki's head as Ruri and the labcoat girl entered a deep conversation while huddled over the mobile phone. Twenty-five minutes left...even though it looked like Ruri and the labcoat girl weren't going to give up, it was clear that time was running out.
If only there was something I could do...
"Uhm...Kosaki-tan-"
A black suit approached Kosaki tentatively with his paper crane.
"Fweh!? I mean...uhh...you can just call me Kosaki..."
"I can't seem to get my crane to look right...It's kind of floppy and lifeless..."
"Ah, really? I think it looks fine..."
"No, no...compared to yours, it's almost like a different creature..."
"Hmm...but I think if you just tilt the head a little here..."
Kosaki delicately rotated the tip of the crane's head until it was looking down, almost like it was shyly tucking its head.
"See? It looks cute."
"Ah! It really does...ehehe...my crane is so cute..."
"N-No fair! How could you make something so adorable...you're not even a K-On! fan!"
"Heh...damn straight! K-On! isn't even cute! I mean, when you compare it to something godly like Lucky Star-"
"Ah! You're a lolicon! You damn pervert!"
"What'd you call me!? Don't try and smear my good name because you're a fan of Kyo-Ani when they went moeblob sellout!"
"Bunch of idiots...Kyo-Ani was always a moeblob sellout. The only time they produced anything good was Munto."
"Uwah...look at this hipster. Who even bothered watching that..."
"What was that? All I could hear was UGUU~ from a mouth that's almost in the same position as the nose!"
"Ahaha..." said Kosaki a little nervously. "Well, in any case, it's like that. Sometimes, things turn out better when you look at it from another angle..."
"Damn it, only fifteen minutes left..." said the labcoat girl, scratching her head furiously. Ruri's eyes were scanning and re-scanning the image with such speed that her glasses were fogging up.
"I can't believe that Boss is having so much trouble with something like this..." said one of the black suits.
"Maybe we should get some outside help. Like ask the CIA or the NSA."
"Are you serious? You do realize we have our own Japanese government intelligence agency that we could ask for help from. Look at this Hollywood idiot, jumping straight to begging America to help solve all the problems..."
"Didn't I tell you guys to shut the hell up!? How are we supposed to think like this!?"
The labcoat girl snapped, irritated to the limits of her patience. Not a single clue! She couldn't find anything even close to a hint at how to solve this puzzle. The labcoat girl bent over her legs, rubbing her palm fiercely into her forehead. Something. There had to be something. There was no way that there was nothing! Others had solved this puzzle before!
"Another angle..."
Ruri repeated her best friend's words. For some reason, they had stuck in her mind. Was there some other way to see this puzzle? Was there some sort of loophole that they were missing...some kind of trick...
"How did those perverts before us figure this out...?" said Ruri, eye twitching. As reluctant as she was to admit it, the previous renters of "Netorare Neko-chan!" must have been some amazing people...
Amazing...
People...
...
...
Ah.
Their eyes met at the same time. On the faces of Ruri and the labcoat girl, an expression of sudden realization-
"There's no way..." started the labcoat girl.
"Yes...there's no way..." said Ruri.
The two of them looked over at the black suits playing with their paper cranes.
There's no way idiots that'd rent something like that could possibly solve this puzzle!
That was the conclusion that they reached.
"If that's the case..."
"Then we did miss something."
"Another angle..." said Ruri again, a smile appearing on her face. "We need to look at this from their angle..."
The angle of perverts!
"Damn it, but they're all idiots...I don't know if I can bring myself down to their level..." said the labcoat girl.
The angle of a pervert...
Intense displeasure appeared on Ruri's face. But there was no choice. Only ten minutes of fuel were left now...
"Why even at a time like this..." said Ruri, clenching her fist. "Even at a time like this, he ends up being around..."
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. There was no time to waste. As disgusting as this was, as repulsed as she felt, there was no way around it.
She had to look at this from the angle of perverts.
For just this moment-
Just for the sake of solving this puzzle-
Miyamoto Ruri had to think like Maiko Shu.
Think...how would Maiko-kun approach this puzzle...
The stone tablet appeared in her mind. The cat-like face of that perverted idiot popped up beside it.
Ohohoho! What a fine mixture of quartz and feldspar...ehehe, such a treasure you see rarely nowadays! Ah, maybe it's fallen for me? Ahaha, it's such a delight to be in the presence of something so rocky and ancient-
...
No, Ruri...that's wrong. Even if he's an insufferable idiot, that's very, very wrong...
Some other way. A less literal way. For example, how would Maiko Shu approach this problem from a logical point of view?
HHMMM, I wonder if there's something naughty in these texts! If someone's taken the time to hide them, then they must really be quite something! Ohoho, I wonder if maybe there'll be some steamy scenes from the past that would definitely be too much for young children reading this to comprehend!
WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!
"Miyamoto...?"
"Ruri-chan!?"
"WAHH! Sh-Sh-She punched a hole straight through the basket!"
"S-Sorry..." said Ruri, her face turning red. "I didn't mean to..."
"It's fine. It seems like you're trying to go through with a difficult method," said the labcoat girl understandingly. "Just try to keep the collateral damage in check though."
"Y-Yes..."
Ruri took another deep breath and tried again. It was so irritating. Seeing that guy's smug face was really pissing her off more than usual. To think that she had to try and get into the head of someone like him...
Yeah...into the head of someone like him...
...
Wait a second.
...Didn't this mean that she could relate to him really easily now?
WHAM! WHAM!
"S-STOP IT! YOU'RE GOING TO DROP US ALL OUT OF THE SKY!"
Damn it. It just wasn't working! She couldn't do it. It was just too much. There was no way that she could get into Shu's head. She was getting shivers just thinking about it. In fact, her body was turning really warm! Her heart was beating like crazy!
Wha...
Ruri's eyes began spinning in spirals.
What...What am I thinking!?
The basket was saved from destruction with the valiant sacrifice of a few black suits, who offered to be punching bags.
"Y-You know...I think OW! I know why that OW! Rising Dragons guy was so into this kind of stuff..."
"Shh! You're OOWWOOHH...ruining it."
"Tch..."
The labcoat girl couldn't get her thoughts together. There were only five minutes of fuel left. True, they could cut into the small amount they'd reserved for landing, but that might make it riskier in the long run, especially since the other hunters were probably planning ambushes below them.
Is this it? Is this all we could do in an hour?
She let out a weary sigh and watched the black suits getting beat up. Heh. Honestly. To think that people like them had solved this head-stumper of a puzzle...what a world they lived in. It was almost enough to make her fall into depression. In fact, she was seriously starting to question the meaning of her existence.
"God, those perverts probably just posted it on the Internet or something too. What a goddamn laugh that'd be," said the labcoat girl, snorting.
...
Wait a minute.
A/N: I'm back and rested from my trip! Which means more of this long, long bonus arc! Since it's gotten so long, I'm going to start adding titles back in. Anyways, I'll be moving pretty quickly here, so try and keep up! I've also reorganized some chapters (didn't know you could do that!) so that the chapter list is a bit neater.