I'm sorry... I say it all the times but I can't be faster.
One of two chapters of suspence left...
Let me read your opinions
"Chief…" Bailey greeted Webber entering his office. She took a deep breath closing the door behind her back and moved quietly to his desk. Her demeanor raised an alarm in Richard's brain, the tiredness and exhaustion on her face just made it louder.
"News?" he asked, almost fearing the answer.
"No…" she answered, gripping the backrest of the leather chair in front of the table. Her eyes fell on the floor and Richard got something had upset her from the way she kept swallowing.
"Bailey…" he inquired, tilting his head to the side. Silence stretched in the room and she just raised her hand, implying for him not to ask more.
"There was no change, chief, really" she choked, still refusing eye contact.
"But something upset you…" he continued softly, trying to approach the topic from another perspective.
"I just don't want to talk about it…" she snapped, finally taking a seat and rubbing her eyes tiredly.
"Ok…" Richard nodded, setting the glasses on his nose "We arranged the meeting for later, this morning…" he sighed "I know you don't have a direct connection to this side of the case but… I'd appreciate if you could be here in case Meredith needed support… She trusts you, Miranda"
"Ok" she shot, not raising her eyes, her voice flat and dry. Webber cashed the last answer and swallowed.
"Weller is going to explain all of his concerns. He'll clearly mention the chance of a permanent vegetative state, of brain death. He'll officially start the protocol for organ donors"
"What?" Bailey almost choke, finally meeting Webber's stare.
"Derek is a donor, Bailey. He had told me that and I've checked his directives and found confirm. He's a donor and we have to get prepared even for this horrible chance" he explained quietly, forgetting for a moment he was talking to one of the finest surgeons of his team.
"His family will never give you the authorization to do that" she snapped, her lower lip quivering. "Meredith…" she stopped midsentence when Richard looked away. "Chief…" she prodded him.
"Meredith is not the person delegated to take these decisions, Miranda" he breathed out, his voice trembling.
"Neither his mother will…"
"She's not either" he stopped her, clearing his throat and pushing an open envelope towards her. Bailey picked up the paper snorting, fearing the answer she had read on the chief's eyes.
"Oh my God…" she sighed, closing her eyes for a second "Did you know this?" she asked.
"No… Derek never said anything to me. I've just found out" he added, toying with a pencil on his desk.
"What do you plan to do?" Baily asked, feeling for Webber and the responsibility Shepherd had given him.
"I have no idea… At this moment I'm too shocked Derek appointed me as his DNR executor. I have no idea" he stuttered, hiding his face in both hands.
Bailey's eyes moved restlessly from the document to Richard's face. She didn't know what to say.
"Do they know?" she finally asked.
"No. Meredith was his next of kin. I was just looking for an advanced directive… I wasn't expecting this… I'm not ready for this"
"You are if he chose you" Bailey said softly, catching the chief's attention "this situation is horrible. Foreseeing to be in such a situation is out of any logic. But Derek is a rational and smart guy. If he decided to give you this responsibility… the power to decide upon his life and death… it means he did know what he was doing"
"He probably didn't want Meredith to take this decision" Richard said helplessly, imagining and reading through Shepherd's intention "he didn't want her to take and feel responsible for this…" he sighed, rubbing his eyes.
"You just should talk to them, Chief. I don't think they'll understand this so easily"
"I know"
"Especially if you decide something they won't like" she added in a breath, trying to understand Webber's ideas on how to manage this complicated situation. The Chief got her allusion and straightened up, piercing her with his stare.
"I won't handle down judgments and decisions, Miranda. I'll talk to them and try to make them understand why Derek put me into this corner. But I can't forget why he did if we come to moments and choices we all don't want to face. I'll try to get their approval and understanding… in every case"
"Good…" she muttered, standing up, looking far more tired and drained out than before.
"Did you think I would just decide and smash it into their faces?" he asked hurt by this assumption.
"No, Chief, I didn't" Miranda said sincerely "I know you love Derek and I know you'll decide just what you think is right for him… and to him"
"Thank you" he said, relief washing through his veins.
"And I'll pray for you… I know it must be maddening being the one who gets to decide…"
He just nodded, hearing his fears voiced by another person.
"Meredith is breaking down, Chief…" Bailey added softly "I don't know how she'll react. She got…" she trailed off, closing her eyes, remembering the way Derek's eyes had opened and upset the both of them.
"What happened, Bailey? I got something did from the way you walked in here" Richard asked, standing to face her, concern written all over her face.
"Derek opened his eyes" she finally admitted, her voice trembling "it was a reflex… there was nothing inside that stare… I had no idea it would feel like this" she stuttered, a tear rolling down her cheek "I have seen hundreds of people in coma… blinking… chewing… but… I really thought he had woken up… it just…" she stopped again, trying to keep emotions at bay.
"I know…" Richard said softly rubbing her back. Miranda had been too dazed to notice he had stood and rounded the desk to support her "I know… we'll cross those bridges when we eventually get there, ok?"
Bailey breathed out nodding and left the room.
"It was really awesome, dad" Derek said, cleaning his mouth with a paper towel.
They had walked back to his trailer and eaten dinner there.
Michael had obliged his son to clean two big trouts paying the bet he had lost and taken instead personal care of the cooking.
He had lightened the barbecue and grilled the fishes while Derek settled the table on the porch. Of course his trailer was in better conditions than his but nobody had commented, both too scared to dig into the real meaning of what had happened minutes before.
"Rosemary and mint … still my favorite… not that bad" he added sipping a glass of water "but your mother's is much better"
"I don't remember hers…" Derek said smiling, adjusting the towel on his lap "but this was really good. I had never done it like that"
"Oh…" Michael grunted, looking down onto the table, his face falling.
"What?" Derek asked, worried to have said or done something wrong again.
"Nothing… your mother loved this recipe… she prepared it every Sunday. It just sounds strange she never did it again… I kind of counted on that" Michael smiled. But Derek didn't miss the melancholy shining in his eyes and got immediately what he was thinking.
"Many things changed, dad. It was difficult… for everyone"
"I know, son. I know… I left your mother with five kids to raise. And let's just be straight… some of you were not so easy to handle…"
"No… we were not" he admitted, thinking back to Amelia and the hard times they had experienced together.
"I never had the time to say goodbye or anything…" he said, raising his stare and meeting Derek's "you fool yourself you have plenty of time ahead and then the unpredictable happens… and tomorrow never comes"
"I'm sorry"
"Don't be, Derek. It's late for me. It's just on yourself you need to focus now" he said, standing and picking up the empty dishes. Silence stretched uncomfortable and folded Derek like a blanket.
"The family couldn't survive to lose you…" Michael added suddenly, his back to his son. The sentence felt like a slap to Derek.
"Dad…" he shook his head.
"No" Michael cut him off imperatively "I'm not gonna hear reasons on this"
"You see me like someone I am not" Derek breathed out, playing with his glass.
"And how would I see you?" he shot, making his son flinch on his chair.
"As a reliable man who has always been there for mom and the girls… it's not like that, dad. You can say it"
"I'm not gonna say things I don't believe just to feed your self deprecation attitude, Derek"
"My what?" he asked in disbelief.
"You got what… you just have this need to beat yourself on things you could have done or thought you could do. It's not right… it's not right. People do mistakes, people have weaknesses, people need to digest emotions. You're not any different, son"
"But you were…" Derek sighed, locking eyes with his father.
Michael lingered a moment to go deep in those eyes.
His son had grown adult, he had built his career, he was creating his own family. But now he was looking at him with childish, innocent eyes and Michael felt suck back thirty years ago.
Something never changed.
He smiled sadly, sitting back near Derek and patting his knee.
"I wasn't, Derek. You just believe this as you kind of idolized me… You were too young to understand my real caliber as man and father and husband. I was everything but perfect" he trailed off "I'm surprised your mother never complained about this" he chuckled, trying to lighten the mode.
"You were always there for us… even if we screwed up… even when we failed you"
"Again with this failing thing…" Michael said rolling his eyes "you were teen agers and I did worse at your age. How are people supposed to learn if they don't do mistakes?"
"I'm not so indulgent, dad. I closed Amelia out as she lost her track after that night… I'm not…"
"You were healing too, Derek. Why don't you give yourself a break?"
His son snorted and hid his face in both hands.
"You saved her life…" Michael added, surprising Derek once again. "Thank you…"
"She was just scared and I didn't get it…" the younger man admitted shaking his head "I let her drown into drugs and alcohol as I was blind…"
"No, you were not, son. You were just suffering yourself. You all were… and sometimes pain pushes people away… you bottle everything up to protect others, not to let them know how you really feel. You wanted to protect your mother and your sisters from the awful memories of that night and everything spun out of control, Derek. You shouldn't blame yourself on that…"
His son stood and took some step into the porch, head down. It was clear he was ruminating on something and Michael left him space. He poured himself a glass of water and inhaled deeply, enjoying the feeling of the cold gushes of air slapping his face. Everything felt so familiar and domestic and Michael's brain projected him forty years before, when his wife and him had no kids and used to spend their free week ends camping in the trailer, far from the rest of the world.
"Your mother loved the trailer life …" Michael chuckled, noticing the surprise flash into his son's eyes "she loved when I drove out of nowhere and we stop wherever and whenever we wanted… This was long before you were born though" he smiled.
"I've always assumed she hated this…" Derek said, sitting near his father.
"Well… I'm afraid it's my fault, son" Michael admitted sadly. Derek looked to him puzzled and he continued, taking a deep breath "I think your mother grew to hate whatever we used to do together. She hates camping now, she doesn't cook mint and rosemary trouts, she yells at you for no reason" he sighed, patting his son's cheek, trying to keep emotions at bay realizing how deeply and much they really looked like each other.
"I think I give her plenty of reasons to be pissed" Derek tried to joke, but his father shook his head.
"No… you don't. I had never realized before how much you really look like me, Derek. It must be hard for her" he added softly, sighing when Derek's eyes cast down "your mother is dying watching you being sick and hurt, Derek. You need to do something about that"
A thunder roared in the sky distracting them both, it was getting dark and a storm was approaching quickly.
Caroline opened the door of his son's room quietly, like she was scared to disturb him.
It was early morning and she had sneaked out of her hotel room, leaving a sleeping Amelia behind.
She had spent an almost sleepless night and, at 5:32, she had decided it was pointless to keep lying in her bed. She had taken a shower quickly and as quietly as possible and left a note on her daughter's nightstand. She expected Amelia to scold her later but at that moment all that mattered was spending some time with her son.
She rested her bag on the couch, empty but showing the recent passage of someone who had spent the night there, Meredith or Mark she assumed.
Since everything had started, Derek had never spent a night alone, there was always someone with him and Caroline knew it was not just to check on his conditions. Everybody was making him clear how much he was loved and missed in these days of coma, his colleagues but, more accurate than that, friends were taking turns to keep him company, to talk to him, to support him, to try to awake him from this state of passivity.
Caroline knew… she felt that every day which passed was not a good sign for Derek's chances of survival. She was a simple woman, but she had understood the concept very clearly, she had understood the gravity of the situation from the very beginning, when her heart of mother had refused to be briefed with the complete and icy report of his injuries.
Days had passed and nothing had changed, not in better for sure.
Derek's appearance had deteriorated, was deteriorating.
He had lost weight, it was clearly visible even if he was lying in a bed unconscious.
His face was much more skinny than before, his cheekbones more pronounced.
Caroline had tried to keep her spirit up, her hopes up, but now she was starting to be very aware of how compromised the situation really was.
She had overheard a conversation between Amelia and one of her colleagues in Los Angeles and she knew that the day she was preparing to face was going to be decisive for Derek's future.
The doctor who had taken charge of his situation had arranged a meeting and Caroline was trying to prepare herself for what was to come: speeches of vegetative state, brain death, organ donation.
Tears bubbled up at the mere thought but she pushed them back.
Unfortunately there was nothing she could do, except what she and Meredith and Amelia and Addison and everyone had been doing in the last days: talking to Derek, trying to create a contact, to build a bridge to take him back.
Only God could do the rest and Caroline was very determined to keep insisting till the final evidence her son was really lost was given to her, scientifically and provably.
She sat near the bed and smiled to Derek, taking a deep breath and picking up his hand.
"Hey… I found you alone finally… This room is like a port… always someone going in and out. I had to leave your sister in bed to get a chance to talk to you privately… she'll be pissed but… where's the news?" she joked, remembering how Derek used to tease Amelia on her temper.
Her two younger children were two sides of the same coin.
Derek was peaceful, always cheerful, thoughtful and rational. He was the type of guy you always could rely on, trustworthy and attentive.
Amelia was a hurricane, she had been such from the tender age of two.
She was wild and unpredictable, in good as well as bad things.
There was no rule for her, no boundary, but even no obstacle when she decided she wanted to achieve something.
Her world and Derek's had been forged to collide and it had happened, painfully and repeatedly, mingling and reinforcing a relationship which was almost umbilical.
Strong emotions: love, sometimes rage and regret.
Derek had been the first strongly believing in Amelia's capabilities to become a good doctor.
Her sisters had tried to turn her down, judging her personality unsuitable for the medical profession. But Derek had seen forward, he had supported her, helped her and Caroline knew his presence, silent but constant, had been decisive to take Amelia where she was now.
She didn't want to think what would happen if her baby daughter lost her male reference.
She tightened her grip on Derek's fingers to push the thought away.
She needed to be positive, she needed to give him strength, not invest him with sorrow and sadness.
"So…" she started, caressing the back of his son's hand tenderly "I'm a little bit out of words here, Derek. Last thing I expected was this, you know?" she smiled sadly, trying to breathe and fighting tears when her eyes settled on the ventilator and the tube stuck in Derek's throat. "I was waiting for your phone call that day… to tell me you had finally found the way to propose to Meredith… given her my ring…" she added, brushing a few tears away "you were so happy to start your life with her, for the perspective to build the family you've always wanted… I was expecting wonderful news… not this" she chocked, remembering how Mark's words had invested her with the violence of a train "well…" she sniffled "to tell the truth I was expecting you to call to freak out, to ask suggestions. I had understood proposing to Meredith was making you a nervous wreck. And your sisters were more than ready to tease you forever. Nancy had prepared a very complicated date… she never told me all the details but I think a band was involved somewhere. And Katherine wanted to push you to pop the question on the ferryboat… You're the two daydreaming of that stuff all the time" she chuckled, brushing another tear away "I lied to you, Derek, but you already know it. My visit wasn't casual… I really wanted to see you and Meredith. I needed to close the circle and give that ring to you, I had already waited too much… I have waited too much. I guess I wasn't ready and… I'm not so proud to admit it but… I think a part of me wanted to believe the two of you were not either. But then I got to know Meredith… I saw how you two looked to each other and I knew I had been wrong… I had been selfish. I'm sorry, Derek, I really am… and now you need to fight, you need to fight harder" she sniffled, somehow expecting a reaction or something "Meredith is not ready to lose you. Not like this, not now. She would never forgive herself, Derek, she would never stand up again. And I wouldn't do it myself" she admitted, reminiscing how upset her son had been in the cafeteria telling her about his case.
Caroline knew he was still suffering for her husband, for his father.
She hadn't imagined this pain was still so alive and full of rage though.
She had underestimated the impact that patient could have on Derek, on his balance, on his ability to be a good doctor and boyfriend.
He had tried to win the fight, but had lost Meredith in the process somewhere.
These topics were difficult to face, Caroline knew it.
She had always been compassionate and still was, but losing her husband for the end of a gun had shifted her principles, upset her beliefs.
She didn't believe people were good no matter what anymore, she didn't believe in redemption and repentance. Somewhere outside that room the man who had killed the love of her life was living happily, probably not even remembering the name of the man he had shot and killed.
William Dunn was another page of the same book, doomed and terrible.
Caroline was trying to pray for a different ending, with all her forces. With whatever was left in her after seeing the spitting image of his husband lying in the same, desperate conditions.
A part of her heart was trying to convince her brain Derek would not give up, not after all he had been through, not after surviving a knife and God knows what else.
He had held on, he had fought, his hand was warmer and soft and she was trying to delude herself this meant something.
She squeezed his limp fingers once more, taking a deep breath.
Her hand moved on his forehead and she brushed his skin softly, moving a strand of hair out of his eyes. The scar left by the motorbike accident didn't look nasty or ugly anymore, with the years it had become part of his appeal, of his charm, a feature that brought a smile to her face.
She wondered how many signs his son would have if he ever survived this, how many scars, which consequences.
Michael had died immediately, he hadn't suffered, he hadn't stayed suspended in a limbo for days.
For months, possibly years.
Caroline had never talked about death with Derek, with her daughters. But she knew staying like that was the last thing he wanted.
For himself, for them.
"You need to give us a sign, Derek, you really need to…" she sighed, closing her fingers around his.
"Where are we going?" Derek asked, seeing his father standing and collecting his fishing gear.
"I'm going home, son" Michael answered, sending a furtive glance in his direction "I had a great time with you but it's late and I need to go back"
He knelt to pick up his coat and hat.
He forced the cap on his nape, lowering the visor on his forehead.
"It's better I go if I don't want to get soaked" he chuckled, taking how the sky had turned black and full of threatening clouds.
"I'll walk with you" Derek offered, standing.
"It's better you don't, son" Michael cut him off "you need to rest and get ready to go back. You have a long and tiring journey ahead"
"I don't understand…" Derek whispered, looking around. He was already home, at his trailer.
"Oh you do, son" Michael patted his shoulder. There was tenderness in the gesture, but also much force. "You need to walk and fight and climb a mountain. It's better you don't waste your energies"
"I want to go with you"
"And we're going in two different places, Derek. I thought you had understood that much by now" Michael breathed out, taking a sharp intake of air "I'm sorry we have to part, son. I am too… but we've had a wonderful time together"
"I missed you, dad…" Derek whispered, sending a chill down his father's spine. "I don't want to lose you again"
"You won't lose me, Derek. Don't be stupid. I will be with you all the time"
"I want to see you…" Derek swallowed, moving a hand and touching his father's arm "I want to touch you and talk to you like we did today" he said softly.
"I'd like it too, Derek. But it's not time yet… It's not your time. Just know I'll be by your side whenever you need me"
Michael gave his son a small smile and took a couple of steps down the porch. He stopped when he sensed Derek following him.
"What are you doing?" he asked rudely, turning around and facing his stubborn younger self.
"Dad…" Derek started but flinched and shut up when his father dropped all that he was carrying on the ground and approached him sternly.
"What is it that you want, son?" he half yelled, half hissed, incredulous of how Derek was reacting "I thought you were stronger than this" he said and for the first time Derek read and sensed reproach in his words.
"It was too much, dad…" Derek said in defeat, pinching his nose tiredly "I can't"
"That's bullshit and you know it" Michael scorned, taking Derek by surprise for the choice of words. He never used curse words, he had never needed it. "You're just giving up and you want me to tell you it's fine but it's not. It's not…" he repeated with authority and determination, piercing Derek's face with blue, cold eyes. "You arrived till here and now you need to go on, fight tooth and nail to go back to your life"
Michael saw something snapping in his son's stare, he saw all the pain he had been put through crossing his eyes and felt bad for him, he felt bad for yelling at him. He caressed his neck gently, giving him a small smile.
"You have been so brave and strong, Derek. You have stood your ground with that monster, you can't give up right now" he added softly, shivering seeing his son crying "I know you can do this, I know you can… Just try… please… You have so many people waiting for you"
"I'm scared…" Derek admitted, almost helpless, the images of Dunn towering him flashing in and out of his mind clearly. At the beginning everything had been a blur and it had taken time to remember what had happened and why he was in that state of limbo. But after his father had openly mentioned to him the events, everything had tuned and was clear now. Shock was leaving the place to tiredness and exhaustion and Derek was not so sure to have the strength and resources to fight again.
"Who would not be, Derek?" Michael asked softly, sighing "do you have a small idea of how much it was hard for me? Being there and not being able to do anything to protect you… help you? It was like a horror movie and I could do nothing but watch that animal hurt you… But I knew you would give me the chance to support you, I knew you would give me the time to show up and now I'm here and you just can't ask me to let you follow me into the woods, not if there's still a handhold, not if there's still a glimmer. Please, Derek, you can find the nerve to face all of this"
"Ok…" he nodded, overwhelmed and speechless.
Michael picked up his gear and started to walk up the hill, following a new path.
Derek didn't ask where they were going and how he knew the way, he had given up the idea to have more explanations. He just tried to move his feet and keep up his father's pace.
But, step after step, he realized it was not that easy.
Despite he was younger and was supposed to be more trained, his father looked to fly among the trees while Derek kept stumbling and tripping over roots and stones.
Soon a thick rain started to shower their heads and clothes and Derek felt coldness entering his bones, drenching his muscles and paralyzing his limbs, making his muscles heavy and muddled.
Before he could realize, his father disappeared in the woods and he realized he was alone.
Webber took a deep breath entering the room.
He was the last to arrive, with a heavy load in his right hand.
Everybody they had urged into the meeting was already there: Meredith, Mrs. Shepherd, Derek's sister, Mark. Addison hadn't accepted the invitation to join them, she was wandering through the hospital waiting for news. Bailey and Weller were sitting across the table, their eyes down, waiting for the Chief.
"Sorry… I'm late" Richard excused himself. It was a lie, he wasn't, he just had taken a couple of minutes to clear his head before heading into the conference room.
Weller had informed him about the neuro checks he had performed in the morning and, unfortunately, nothing had changed since the day before, and the day before before.
There were very delicate topics to face and, despite Derek's trust in his judgment, he didn't feel ready for any of them.
He sat heavily on a chair and opened the folder in front of him. There was nothing he needed to read or check, but he really couldn't start like that, he needed a second to collect thoughts.
"So…" he started, raising his eyes for a second and meeting Meredith's teary ones "we've called you here this morning to discuss the situation and the last developments. As you all know, dr. Weller has been monitoring constantly Derek's state of unconsciousness. He has performed daily all the tests required and suggested. And you know that, unfortunately, the results have been progressively worsening. The situation is steady from a couple of days, but it's a negative element as the patient's… Derek's degree of consciousness and reactivity to external stimulations is down to the limits" he finished, swallowing. "Weller…" he breathed out, inviting his doctor to explain exactly where his concerns found ground.
"Yes… I don't think going deep into technical data and tests would be useful here… I guess most of you know what dr. Webber was talking about" he trailed off, hearing Mark sniffling "The situation is not irreversible yet, but there are elements which caught my attention and push me to talk to you frankly, even if I know that what I'm going to say is the last thing you probably want to hear. And I can swear these same words are the last I'd want to utter. But I respect dr. Shepherd, I've always respected him. And I know he'd want me to be true and clear to you" he finished, sharing a quick look to all the present.
"It's fine dr. Weller" Mrs. Shepherd forced herself to say, feeling Amelia's hand closing around hers "I've been hearing awful things and I wouldn't want you to sugarcoat reality if your medical opinion tells you differently"
Weller nodded, but he didn't feel relieved at all. He cast his eyes down on his lap and then laced his fingers on the table, clearing his throat.
"Since the second surgery, we have kept a very close monitor on his vitals and cerebral functions. Both have slowed down considerably. At the moment the patient is not conscious and his reactions have reduced to the minimal degree. He barely reacts to pain, the pupillary response is day by day weaker. Both the brain and cardiac activity present moments of default and pause, sign that the brain has lost his function to control the system. Of course it's not permanent and it's not a constant, but all these elements, combined with the remarkable temperature loss of the last three days, have suggested us to run painful analyses and evaluations on what could happen now"
"What does this mean?" Meredith asked, her voice shaking.
"There are protocols, mrs. Grey" Weller answered politely, but the choice to call Meredith miss and not doctor didn't go unnoticed by the present "the patient has reached a deep level of coma and there are procedures to follow. Of course this goes along the decisions you could be called to take"
"What are you trying to say?" Meredith prompted him.
"I think you should start to contemplate the options" Weller said after a long silence.
"Which options?" Amelia barked, painfully aware of where her colleague was heading.
"If his condition proved to be irreversible, what would you want to do?" he asked gently, his eyes running on Derek's family faces.
"You have just said it's not irreversible yet" Amelia snapped, using aggressiveness to hide the fear she was feeling.
"I did. But the step is really close unfortunately. Derek's body could give up in any moment and there are other aspects we need to consider" he trailed off, locking eyes with the Chief for a brief moment.
The exchange didn't go unnoticed by Meredith, whose eyes leaked tears when comprehension carved a hole in her chest. Richard understood immediately she had fully got what they were meaning.
"Derek is a donor" he said gently "I don't know if you knew it… but he's a donor". Silence fell in the room like a cold blanket, silent like snow covering the streets in winter. But there was nothing relaxing in it and Webber cleared his throat, there were still bad news to deliver "I opened his file this morning after dr. Weller briefed me. His directives are pretty clear, he doesn't want to be kept attached to a machine if his conditions degenerated into a vegetative state. He chose to donate his organs and… for how pitiful and painful this can be, we should follow the protocol and do everything we can to honor his wish"
"Are we already there?" mrs. Shepherd asked. For the first time, she had lost the thread of the discussion.
"No, mum. But if Derek's conditions worsened suddenly, they would need to accelerate the harvest. That's why they need to start the protocol now, even if we are not into a permanent state yet" Amelia explained quietly, careful to avoid her mother's stare.
"Is there anything else you can do for him?" Mark asked, lost and miserable like Webber had never heard him.
"No, Mark, you know there's nothing. We just can wait and hope he reacts. Derek is strong, he has a strong fiber. But at the moment his injuries and all the surgeries we had to perform strained his body to the limit. We all hoped… I still hope he won't give up, but the signals are not good for now" Richard admitted, sighing.
Weller lowered his eyes on the table, his palm caressing the folder with the papers necessary to start all the protocols they needed to follow.
"Do I have to sign those?" Meredith asked, her voice barely audible. Webber detected from her voice the request had not been pro-active. She was fearing that action and, as a result, he started to fear the news he was going to drop.
"No" he answered, feeling his throat closing up.
"But…" Amelia protested "you've just said you need to explore the harvest chance…"
"We do" Richard cut her off "but Meredith is not the person in charge of making Derek's will respected. He chose another person" he trailed off, feeling all eyes on him. "I don't know why but… he chose me" he finished, lowering his eyes on the table"
"This doesn't make sense" Amelia snapped, straightening on the chair. "You can't take these decisions without us"
"I'm not willing to decide anything without your opinion, mrs. Shepherd. I love Derek, I consider him part of my family. But I also know that we need to remember what he decided for himself if we come to it. We'll make our best as doctors to avoid it, I'll make my best as man to discuss everything with you. But I need to make my best and respect his will. I hope you'll get that"
"I will…" mrs. Shepherd said, squeezing both Amelia's and Meredith's hand "what happens now?"
"Nothing…" Weller explained softly "I'll monitor him strictly for the next three days. If nothing changes and the process going on doesn't stop, I'll have to start the protocol to declare the brain death. There are many parameters to check and at the moment Derek doesn't fit in any of them. But many values are border line, I just wanted to warn you" he pointed out, trying to be clearer as possible. He knew everything had to be confusing. The patient was at the moment in deep coma but brain active. Yet, they were discussing to start a protocol to assert the vegetative state and allow organ donation.
What was going to happen was impossible to foresee.
They were at a crossroad.
But nobody of them was holding the steering wheel.
"Dad!" Derek yelled, scanning the darkness which had submerged the woods.
He saw nothing and nobody, the thick layer of shadows and rain preventing him to locate his father.
He tried to stand but collapsed on one knee, slipping on the now muddy ground.
The impact of his knee caps on the hard soil knocked the air out of his lungs. Derek took some deep breath, his mouth open, trying to ignore the coldness and the shivers running down his body.
He needed to slow down, to control his inspiration. This was his land and he perfectly knew where he was and where he needed to go.
He pushed with his arms and stood, fighting to keep his balance, leaning on a tree to steady his body. His father was nowhere around but Derek didn't really care. Soon he would realize his son had lost ground and would go back to meet him. He just needed to pull himself together and walk.
Every step was a challenge, every step cost him strain and soon Derek felt dizzy, confused by the noise of the rain leaching and the feeling of his blood rushing frantically in his veins.
He reached a clearing and searched for his father again, without success.
A footstep caught his attention and Derek moved to that direction, not realizing that passage was impracticable. Before he realized, he fell and started to slip down the hill, unable to stop.
The rain had turned leaves into a fast slipway and the mud just added to the mess.
Derek grunted when his side collided with something, a tree or a stone, he couldn't tell.
His breath got stuck in his throat and was cut even shorter when he plunged into the river.
His fall ended at the bottom of the valley and he coughed, the icy water soaking his clothes and taking his breath away. He tried to find a grip on a cliff or a branch but his hands were slick and unable to anchor him. He closed his eyes, feeling a weight sucking him down.
The water reached his throat and he drank it, unable to float, too tired to float.
He was about to sink when a strong grip pulled him out of the water.
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