A/N:

Hi guys, so here is the first one shot. It's mostly a bunch of drabbles about Four and Cara. I wrote most of this before I started Resurrection because I wasn't sure originally where exactly I wanted to start and I love writing anything with Cara(in case you couldn't tell already) Most of this is very Cara/Four obviously because it's about their four year relationship before Tris came back. If you are not a Cara/Four fan there is some interesting stuff in here about how Four dealt with Tris' death. If after reading this your little FourTris heart is broken, go re-read resurrection :)

Anyways, I hope you guys like this.

I will be posting the Cara/Caleb one shot next.

Please leave reviews to tell me what you think!

Cara and Four

One Week After Tris

Cara

"Maybe we should talk about her…it might make us feel better if we start the conversation." Christina says quietly.

It's been a week since Tris died.

One week and she's still all anybody can think about it.

I am sitting in a room with Christina, Matthew, Four, Zeke and Shauna.

Christina thought it would be good for all of us to be together but if I am being honest none of these people are really my friends apart from Christina and I didn't know Tris all that well.

I also didn't like her all that much.

I don't have a lot of friends.

"Shouldn't Caleb be here?" I say and everyone's head turns towards me. I clear my throat a little.

"I mean…he was her brother after all, right?"

"No."

I lift my head and find myself staring at Four across the room.

'No' was the first thing he'd said since we'd been here.

"…Why not?" I ask raising an eyebrow.

Four just rolls his eyes at me and turns his head.

Christina clears her throat awkwardly.

"Well…I know I'm going to miss her spontaneity most. She was always so fun to be around, you know?"

Zeke lets out a small little laughing sound and then nods.

"Yeah, she was pretty kickass."

Four stands up abruptly.

"I'm not doing this." He says with an irritated tone coating his voice.

Christina looks up at him with a raised eyebrow.

"Doing what?" she questions.

"This. This thing where we all sit here and pretend like what she did wasn't incredibly selfish."

"Four—"

"Don't." He cuts her off quickly and she closes her mouth.

"I'm just not doing this, okay?"

My eyes are fixed on his retreating back as he stalks from the room.

Christina looks like she might cry for a second but Zeke puts a hand on her shoulder.

"It's not you…" He says quietly. "Don't take it personally it's just…"

Shauna lets out a sigh. "…it's just that he lost his whole life a week ago."

Christina sniffles.

"We can still talk about her right? I don't know her that long…but she was a good friend…really sincere you know?" Matthew says and Christina nods.

"She was the best friend that anybody could ever have."

I am suddenly filled with a need to be anywhere but here.

I stand up quickly but I don't wait for anyone to ask me what I'm doing.

I quickly follow Four's path out the door.

I walk down the hallway, my feet shuffling quickly. I don't realize that I'm looking for him until I almost miss him. He's pressed against the corner of the wall like he's trying to make himself disappear.

I watch him for a moment and then I move towards him. He slowly lifts his head as I approach.

"What are you doing?" I ask in a soft voice.

He stares up at me, breathing slow breaths.

In. Out. In. Out.

He looks more vulnerable than I've ever seen him, like one push might knock him over.

"Breathing." He says quietly. "It helps."

I nod a little.

"Can I breathe with you?"

He nods slowly.

I slide down next to him against the wall.

I hug my knees and try to match the rhythm of his breaths.

We do this for a long time, so long that I start to wonder why no has come looking for us.

"How did you do it?" he asks me, his voice shaking.

I turn to look at him for a moment.

"Do what?"

"Your brother died, and you are still walking and talking and breathing. How did you do that, Cara?"

Talking about Will is still hard for me.

I am not the poster child for moving through grief.

I am terrible at it.

I got through it by having someone to blame.

Mainly Tris.

I also blamed Will.

I blamed Will for choosing dauntless over his family.

It didn't take very long for me to realize how illogical my feelings were.

"I don't know. Don't get me wrong…I was pissed, at Tris,at Will, at everyone but…I just realized that being pissed wasn't going to change anything. At the end of the day Will is still dead. It's not completely gone. I still feel it sometimes, that crushing weight…but…he's gone…and that just has to be okay."

"Why? Why does that have to be okay?"

I chew on my bottom lip.

"It just has to." I whisper.

He tilts his head back against the wall.

"I'm so mad at her, Cara…" He breathes and I can tell by the way his voice shakes that he's crying.

I give him the decency of looking away.

"She would've never forgiven me if I did this to her and she did this knowing…she knew what could happen. She did it anyway and Cara….I hate her. I hate her and I still love her with every fiber of my being. How is that even possible?"

"It's okay you know, it's okay to hate her, just a little."

"It's just not fair. It's not fair that I have to be here, and deal with all of this and she…"

"She got out of it and she'll never have to go through what we are going through. I know. It's okay to be mad at her. It really is."

He's quiet again for a long time and I try to match his breathing again.

"She gave Caleb a message for me."

"Oh?" I say turning towards him a little bit.

"Yeah. Apparently she didn't want to leave me. You know what I find funny about that?"

I stare at him, waiting.

"If she didn't want to leave me, it would've been incredibly easy not to."

I let out a sigh.

"Four, you're going to be angry, and you're going to hate her, and you're going to blame her and everyone else around you for her death, but one day. You're going to wake up and you're going to realize that it was nobody's fault and you're going to understand that she didn't want to leave you. Nobody ever voluntarily leaves somebody that they love."

He watches me for a long moment and then he nods a little bit.

"I think I hate myself more than I hate her."

I reach out and touch his arm.

"It wasn't your fault. You should know that."

He closes his eyes and takes in a deep breath.

"I've just got to keep breathing." He says quietly

I lean back against the wall and when he starts up his rhythmic breathing, I try to match it.

Two Months After Tris

Cara

"Hey!" I am breathless and running down the steps is not helping.

"Hey! Hey!"

I finally catch up to Four's retreating back and pull on his shoulder so he has to stop walking in favor of looking at me.

"What is the matter with you?"

My breaths come in heavy gasps as I try to catch my breath.

"You can't just go around hitting people!"

He stares at me, his cheeks flushed a bright red color. I look down at his fist and notice that his knuckles are splattered with blood.

I let out a sigh and pick up his hand and stare at it.

"Is that your blood or his?"

He shrugs a little and I close my eyes taking in a deep breath.

"What even happened Four?"

I had invited him to a group get together with some people that I knew from Erudite. He doesn't get out often and I thought he might god forbid make some friends. I look away for two seconds and he's punching Eric Jensen in the face.

"Nothing…he…" He looks away from me for a moment. "He said something about my father."

Now it makes sense.

I cross my arms over my chest for a moment.

"Well, that was uncalled for but you can't just go around hitting people, Four."

He nods a little.

"I know." He breathes.

I sigh as I look down at his hand.

"Alright…let's go back to my place. I'll fix your hand."

We walk the short distance from the library to my apartment and I lead him inside and into the bathroom.

I pull out my first aid kit and then I gently start to clean out the cuts and scrapes on his knuckles.

"You're such an irrational jerk, you know that?"

He doesn't respond to me as I wipe the cloth along his cuts.

"I can never hang out with any of them again, you know that right?"

He rolls his eyes a little.

"I'm sorry, okay?"

I pour just a little more of the rubbing alcohol over his cuts than I really need to and he winces.

"None of those people are even worth your time."

I look up at him titling my head a little bit,

"Oh really? I'll have you know I used to date Eric Jensen"

Four's mouth drops open a little bit.

"Seriously? But…he's such a…a pansycake!"

"Excuse me?" I say eyebrows raised.

"…Nothing." He mumbles and then after a few seconds,

"Don't be mad at me."

I look up at him curiously. He usually doesn't sound that vulnerable with me.

"Oh, I'm already furious."

"Please don't. I don't think I can handle it if you're mad at me."

"Why?" I question refusing to look at him for a moment.

"I don't know." He says quietly.

I decide to let it go.

He's been through enough for one night.

I take a deep breath and then crumple up the cloth and throw it away.

"You don't need stitches." I say quietly.

"Thanks." He mumbles.

Seven Months After Tris.

Tobias/Four

It's the middle of the afternoon and I am shaking in a cold sweat from a nightmare.

I don't sleep at night, so generally when I do fall asleep in the early hours of the morning I usually wake up from a nightmare.

This one had featured Tris.

I'm still shaking just from seeing her in a dream.

I stumble my way into the kitchen and grab the bottle of whiskey that I've come to love and take a long drink from it.

One.

Two.

Three and then one more.

I sit in the kitchen for a long time just staring at the counter.

When I hear a knock on the door I have no idea how long I've been in here, but my head is really suddenly very light and fuzzy.

I stumble to the door and wrench it open.

Cara is standing there in a blue dress, her hair pulled back into a clip, her black erudite glasses resting on her nose.

"What are you doing here?" I ask my voice coming out a lot harsher than I mean it too.

"I thought…" She passes for a moment and then crosses her arms over her chest.

"You were supposed to meet me. An hour ago. For lunch."

I blink at her for a moment as a memory of a lunch plan filters into my brain. Instant guilt settles into my stomach.

"I'm sorry, I forgot."

She sighs.

"It's fine. Do you want to go now?"

Her voice is tight.

I can tell she's angry.

We've been hanging out together for almost six months now and she's dealt with me blowing her off more times than I can count.

I can't help it.

She has the worst timing.

It just doesn't make me feel any less guilty..

"…I sort of can't…" I mumble.

"Why is that?" she bites down on her bottom lip and I can tell it's from anger and not nerves.

"Um…" I close my eyes for a moment.

"I just can't."

She crosses her arms over her chest and stares at me.

"Do you not like hanging out with me…or something?"

I let out a sigh.

"I can't have this conversation right now. I'm sorry."

I start to close the door but she slams her foot in between the door jam and the door.

I blow out a breath and pull the door open again.

"If you're going to blow me off you better god damn tell me why." Her cheeks are flushed a bright red color.

It's weird, but she looks pretty like that.

I shrug.

"I can't go to lunch with you, Cara because I'm drunk."

She stares at me for a long moment

"…Are you kidding?"

"No, Cara. I am not."

I wait for her to turn around and leave but she doesn't.

She just stands there staring at me.

Eventually she speaks.

"At some point, Four. You're going to have to make a choice about your life. You can decide to live it, or you can keep doing this to yourself but I can tell you one thing. Tris wouldn't want this."

I scoff.

"Well, good thing we have no idea what Tris would want because Tris isn't here."

She shakes her head slowly.

"It is okay for you to live your life without her. That can be okay, Four. You can be okay."

I watch her for a moment my eyes moving over her hair and then her eyes, her nose, her lips.

Cara is very pretty.

I always notice it more when I'm drunk.

"Cara…" I say softly, thinking for a moment.

I would never in a million years admit to what I am about to admit to if I were sober but…my brain isn't really connected to my mouth right now.

"What?" She says a strange expression on her face.

"If I kiss you, would you pull away?"

Her eyes widen for a moment like she can't really believe what she's hearing and then she opens her mouth a little.

"…No."

I lean forward quickly but she tilts her head backwards before I can reach her lips.

"Liar." I whisper.

She lets out a sigh.

"I…it would be different If you were sober I just…" She touches her forehead.

"No. I'm not doing this. I can't. I don't want to be your rebound. You're still in love with her."

"I don't want to be in love with her anymore…it hurts too much…." The lump in my throat feels so heavy.

"I..I have to go. I'm so sorry…I'll…I'll call you…I…" She reaches out and touches my hand.

"I really am sorry." And then she tears off down the hall.

Six Hours Later

When I sober up, I realize I owe Cara the biggest apology.

When I call her, she doesn't pick up so I leave a message.

It's a simple apology and a 'please come over.'

I don't expect her to, but she arrives within the hour.

She looks tired, like she's been crying all day and I feel guilty if I caused that.

"Hey…come in…" I say softly and then I lead her into the living room.

She sits down slowly and the apology comes out quickly.

"I'm so sorry about earlier, it was a bad day. I…didn't sleep and then when I finally did I dreamt about her…it…it always sort of…ruins my day. I'm better. You know I'm better."

She watches me for a moment then she lifts her shoulders in a shrug.

"Do I? What's better, Four? I know that you pretend that you're better. I know that you still drink every other night."

"No…that's…" I stop, because she's right and it's true.

"I'm sorry." I breathe.

She nods a little bit.

"It's okay. I just…I wish I could make it easier for you."

She's nervous. I can tell by the way she breathes in and out.

"Four, do you have feelings for me?" She asks quietly.

I chew on my bottom lip.

"What?"

"Can you just answer the question? Please?"

I feel guilty over what I feel for Cara every day. So much so that I try not to think about it, but with her here, staring up at me with those eyes and that sad expression…I can't deny it anymore.

I like Cara.

She's my best friend and I like her, which is why I wanted to kiss her six hours ago.

I don't know how to do this.

I don't know how to love someone who isn't Tris.

I close my eyes for a moment and think 'Tris, forgive me.'

"Yes."

She nods slowly for a few moments.

"Get it together, Four. Stop drinking. Stop hiding out in your apartment. Go see Zeke. Go see your mom. Do things. Live."

"You're going to ignore the fact that I just said I had feelings for you?"

"Yes. Until you get it together. I want to try this Four, but I won't be your rebound and I sure as hell won't watch you drink yourself into oblivion."

"Can we be friends? Until…Until I get it together?"

She smiles a little and then nods.

"We can always be friends, Four."

Two Years After Tris

Tobias/Four

I feel strange.

I've never really been on a date before.

There was that awkward double date with Zeke that lasted about four minutes and every moment alone with Tris had felt like a date but this…this is a real one.

Only, it wasn't very romantic.

Cara and I did what we always do.

We went to dinner and now we're walking around in the night air playing 'deal breakers.'

She hasn't tried to kiss me, or hold my hand, or anything.

I haven't tried to do any of those things either, but don't girls like that sort of thing?

"Hmm…." Cara bites down on her lip as she thinks. "Deal breaker…okay. Someone who doesn't read..." She looks up at me.

"Your turn."

I let out a sigh and think for a moment.

"I don't know…I guess…someone who doesn't shower regularly."

Cara looks up at me narrowing her eyes.

"You always pick something surface level. Go a little deeper, please."

I scratch the back of my neck, trying to think.

Deal breakers is a hard game for me, mostly because I don't really ever picture myself in a relationship.

"I guess…someone who wants kids."

Cara stops walking and stares at me for a moment.

"No kids?"

I nod a little bit.

"…Ever?"

I shrug a little bit.

"It's just not something I want."

She looks sad for a moment but it only lasts a second before she cracks a smile.

"Well that's a good thing. Could you imagine another Four running around? There's not enough scowling and frowning to go around."

"Ha. Ha." I roll my eyes.

My hand brushes hers as we walk and before I know it her hand is clasped within mine.

"Four?"

"Hm?" I say trying not to sound as uncomfortable as I am.

"I'm glad you stopped drinking."

"I'm glad I stopped drinking too." I mumble.

We are quiet for a long moment and then she turns her head towards me.

"Four? I wouldn't pull away now."

I stop walking in favor of talking to her.

"What?"

"If you were to kiss me, right now…I…I wouldn't pull away."

I stare at her for a moment my eyes moving to her lips.

They are trembling slightly and it makes my heart squeeze. Cara is sweet, and genuine, and she'd saved me from myself.

I owe her so much and yet I don't know how to give her my heart in the way that she wants it.

"Okay…" I say softly and then I dip my head down to kiss her. She is shorter than Tris, and her lips are soft in a totally different way.

It is not the fireworks that I had with Tris, but it's something.

I pull away and she blinks up at me like stars had just burst behind her eyes.

A soft little 'Whoa…' falls from her lips.

I grin.

"Whoa, huh?" I raise an eyebrow.

"Oh shush, Four." She says sounding so annoyed that it seems insane that we kissed only seconds ago.

I am quiet for a moment but I can't stop grinning.

"Whoa…" I mumble and then laugh again.

"I am never kissing you again." She says, a stony expression on her face.

"Oh come on, Cara. It was whoa!"

She frowns up at me.

"You're obnoxious. Take me home." She starts walking ahead of me but I grab her by the arm and pull her back towards me.

"I'm sorry. You're easy to tease."

She blushes a little bit.

"Yeah, well. You're easy to love."

My stomach drops into my shoes at her words.

I don't want her to love me.

Every part of me is screaming, 'No! Turn back, Cara! Don't do this. Don't love me! I'm too damaged, I'm not worth it. I'm broken'

…but none of me says it out loud.

Instead I say,

"Let me take you home."