Chapter 37
Edward
September 2003
I've spent the last few months trying to figure out exactly where everything went wrong. I wonder what I could have done differently. I question if any of this bullshit can be fixed.
I miss the days when we were kids. Young love is so untouchable.
I miss how simplistic shit used to be. When Bella would ride on my handle bars, or when she would get excited about a new pair of sunglasses. We used to play until the street lights came on, and we would cry when we had to eat dinner. I miss building jumps with Emmett and Jasper. I miss hanging with my friends without having a care in the fucking world.
I miss Bella.
I'm going to college. I've wasted enough time here. Working at the lumber yard with Jasper is not what I want to do with my life. It's good for him because he's that type of person. He has a rough, nitty-gritty type of personality.
Emmett and Rosalie Hale left for college the summer after high school ended. They're excited I'll be in Seattle soon.
My sister will miss me, but she's a lot like Jasper. She wasn't made for college. Alice will live in Forks until the day she dies. She'll open up an antique store, or remain to be the nosy fucking waitress at the diner. One day she'll have kids, and she'll smoke weed in the backyard while they're sleeping.
I've struggled with the decision to leave for most of the summer. Some days I'm determined. Others, I refuse the notion.
My heart is in Forks.
Dad did a lot of threatening. He threatened to take my car. He threatened my stability at home. He threatened not to pay for school at all. When none of that worked, he started convincing. "Do you want her back, son? If you get her back, then what? You'll have nothing, son."
Using Bella as an excuse makes the decision easier to swallow. I haven't seen or spoken to her since the night of Emmett and Rosalie Hale's party. I've been too ashamed. The way I treated her is sickening.
I fucked her, literally and hypothetically.
I took advantage of her trust, and fucked her on a dresser. Then I allowed her to walk away from me. I didn't take the time to call her the next day, and I didn't walk over to her house to explain how fucking sorry I was. I didn't tell Bella that I love her to death. I didn't tell her that she is in my blood, and in the air, and in my dreams … in my fucking soul.
Chief Swan pulled me over last week for no apparent reason other than to talk. "You never come over anymore, boy," he said. His mustache is as strong as it ever was. "I thought we were friends too, boy."
That made us both laugh, but looking at him was like looking at her. I could only do it for so long before the ache in my chest numbed the rest.
"Don't be a stranger, boy," he said before I drove away.
My room is mostly packed. I look over at her house. My chest is a gaping hole. I'm tired of being without her. Bella is all I have, all I want. She is all I have ever wanted since I was ten years old.
I take another hit from the cigarette of a habit I can't kick before I drop the butt to the floor and snub it out with my shoe. I take a deep breath, and with one step at a time, I go to her.
That's what I do. It's what I've always done.
For her, I would stay awake forever.