Okay, gang this is just a little chapter to hold you over till I get the next story line completely fleshed out. I'm still not 100% sure how I'm going to deal with Capt. John Hart but I do know he is going to get embarrassed at some point. I really don't like him that much. I mean I don't hate him so much that I'd whack his fool head off. Mind, Immortal Ianto in "Immortality" wants to.
Anyway, this chapter is just a bit off goofy fun. We see what Ianto writes in his diary when he's really bored. I hope you enjoy it.
Chapter Title: From the Diary of Ianto Jones
Chapter rating: T to be safe
Chapter genre: a bit bizarre
Note: Ianto's comments about what he's written are in italics. If there's any confusion please let me know. The first paragraph just explains what's going on.
Ianto had to do the thirty day inpatient program first, so that was thirty days of being away from home. There was a chance he might be let out early if he was lucky. After that he'd have to do the outpatient program for awhile just to be on the safe side. But living in the rehab clinic for a month would involve a lot of boredom and when Ianto was bored he thought of weird things. The first few days proved that as evidenced by what he'd written in his diary.
From the Diary of Ianto Jones:
Songs I feel apply to me and Jack (in no particular order):
"Every Breath You Take"
"Wherever you go"
"Making Memories of Us"
"Please Remember Me"
"When I'm Sixty-Four"
"I Want Candy"
"The Shoop Shoop Song"
"When You Kiss Me"
"Kiss on My List"
"This I Promise You"—I occasionally like 'NSync
"Right Here Waiting for You"
"I Knew I Loved You"
"Sex Bomb" I'm going to sing this for Jack sometime and see what it does to him.
There's more of course, gods I'm pathetic.
List of Jacks in the world (real and fictional)
Jack Harkness
Jack Sparrow
Jack Frost
Jack McCoy
Jack Nicholson
Jack Sprat
Jack Skellington
Jack as in "and the Beanstalk"
Jack as in "this is the house"
Jack "be nimble"
Jack the monkey
Jack Black
Jack who went up the hill with Jill
Jack Jones
Jack O'Lantern
Jack in the Box
Jack Hodgens
Jack Bauer
Jack Kennedy
Jack the Ripper
Jack Tripper
Jack O'Neil
Jack McGee
I'm sure there are others.
Favourite quotes:
"Death cannot stop true love; all it can do is delay it for awhile."—Westly, "The Princess Bride"
"You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well, I accept."—Westly, "The Princess Bride"
"I'm going to tie him up, that's all I swear."-Remus (PoA book)
"You wanna conquer the world with monkeys?"—Caspian, Highlander, ep. "Revelation 6:8"
"Why is the rum gone?"—Captain Jack Sparrow, I know how you feel.
"The red dragon will show the way"—proverb
"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."—Inigo, "The Princess Bride"
Sentences out of names. Gods, I'm getting bored.
Ianto= Is Always Nice To Orangutans
Jack=Jack Always Crushes Kiwis
Owen=On Wednesday Eats Neapolitan
Tosh=Talks Of Stylish Hats
Gwen=Gets Wild Eating Nectarines
Rhys=Realises His Yarn Sucks
Rhys=Reads Harkness Yellow Submarine, why, I don't know.
Andy=Andy Needs Daily Yams
Andy=Andy Nitpicked Dragons Yesterday that might get him killed. Serves him right for arresting me. The dragons are my friends.
Martha=Makes Andy Read The Hat Article revenge for arresting me.
Doctor=Dangerously Outrages Cats To Organise Responsibly I don't know what this means
Myfanwy=Murders Yaks Funnily Attacking Nebraska With Yarn
Serena= Softly Erases Rubber Elephants Needing Apples
Nina=Needs Ice Not Aftershave
Jeanie= Juices Eggplant After Nicely Ionising Eggs
Janet= Just Arrived Needing Emergency Tablecloths the image in my head is really disturbing.
Ifan=Is Frightening Army Newbies
Andy Attacks Applesauce
Bananas Bring Brilliant Bratwurst
Cooper Creates Craziness—well she does
Doctor Dances Daringly Dangerously—I wouldn't know but it wouldn't surprise me
E
Fish Freakishly Frighten Frankie—This is true
Gwen Gets Groovy
Harper Helps Harkness—Often true
Ifan is Icy—from what I understand, he was. I'm not.
Jeanie Jumps Jeeps Jokingly
K
L
Myfanwy Murders Monkeys—Considering she's a carnivore
Nina Needs Noodles
Owen Organises Organs Outstandingly—I reckon he does
P
Quietly quilting Q quizzes Quark—Now, I've resorted to referencing Star Trek
Rhys Reads Recipes
Sato Seeks Sauce
Tosh Tenaciously Tackles Textbooks
Urgent Umbrella Underwear
Voldemort victimises Vernon viscously—argh, I'm using Harry Potter now, get me out of this joint!
Weevils Wave Wistfully
X
Yan Yells 'Yes!'—only when Jack touches me but only Hermes can get away with calling me 'Yan'.
Z
Hermes gave me these mad ideas, apparently his friends in that reality where Torchwood is a TV show do this all the time. Hermes has weird friends, but I find I'm enjoying it. From what I understand they have this bizarre scenario that takes place at Lancelot's house where all these characters from different shows are hanging out acting weird. Apparently, Angel (from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel) whom they call Peaches, obeys nearsighted monkeys and is dancing the mamba in the nude. Duncan MacLeod is doing the Macarena with a lampshade on his head. Hermes refers to these girls as "Holmes and Watson". I'm sure those aren't their real names. It would be interesting to meet these girls. They also apparently do a lot of Mad Libs and come up with some pretty funny ones with their imaginations. Hermes showed me a couple, I particularly like this one:
Letter of Recommendation- words given by Holmes
Dear Director:
I would like to recommend my uncle, Will, for the job of assistant dork in your cool camp. He has just graduated from Blossom Valley and has a degree in swimming. He has had experience teaching mice how to play checkers. He is ambitious and cheesy. During school vacations, he used to work delivering for Plants, our neighbourhood plant store. He is a loyal and mean person and will make a very silly counsellor because he will work like a gazelle and he is as smart as a lion. He is also as honest as the cream is long. I promise you that this poofy fairy will make a very feathery counsellor for your cheese.
Here's one that Jack and I came up with once when we were doing Adult Mad Libs:
Is He Too Selfish? We both gave the words, his condition for playing.
Naturally, people have to shoot for themselves, but is your sexy guy swimmingly selfish? Take this smooth quiz to figure out if he's dangerously a good guy…or just a whiny colourful Tardis.
It's your anniversary and he:
Rubs your cock for 5067 minutes but complains the whole time.
Asks if you can postpone your anniversary percolator until tomorrow night. The Super plane is on tonight.
Angrily makes reservations at your favourite restaurant—for you and 42 of his friends.
Forgets important weevils—he's never been very good at remembering dinosaurs.
Answer: He's a man—of course he's going to be a selfish ball gown.
Rhyming:
Gwen Grin
Jack Snack
Jack Attack
Mowin' Owen
Sharper Harper
Posh Tosh
Lotto Sato
Weevil Retrieval
Risen Mitten
Teeny Rini
Leanie Jeanie
Mock Cock
Life Knife
My Tie
Drivin' Ifan
Rhys Grease
Super Cooper
Handy Andy
Jack Smack
Cock Sock
Ball Call
Dick Trick
Dick Kick
Silly Willy—well, it's clear what's on my mind
Gwill Grill
Mad Cad
Book Hook
French Pinch
Herm's Terms—no idea what they are still and he hates being called Herm, the hypocrite.
Tsar Bar
Okay, I need to stop rhyming so much, it's getting stupid. I should probably be in bed as it's after lights out but I can't sleep. It's been four days and I'm already suffering from cabin fever, near enough anyway. Mind, Jack visits every day at noon and he brought the kids today after school. That was nice, Rini drew me a picture of a tiger and a horse with a heart around them. Apparently it's supposed to be me and Jack if we were animals. She's a good little artist. Mind, if I were an animal, I think I'd be a domestic cat rather than a tiger. Cory didn't talk much; I think he's still upset with me for being an idiot. I really need to stop drinking, I really realise that now. If I keep up this stupidity, they might take Cory away from me. I can't have that, he's been through enough. I've let him down and I feel terrible. When he was with his mother, she was high all the time and then that "boyfriend" of hers.
Next time I see Cory, I'll talk to him but what I'll say I don't quite know yet. Jack told me he's been quiet a lot since that morning after the accident. Apparently Cory was so furious when he found out I was arrested he didn't eat his breakfast and he knocked over his bucket of building blocks and didn't pick them up for an hour. You know he's upset when he doesn't clean right away. I'm a terrible father, I just think the gods that Jack is here to help. I don't know what I'd do without him. I love him so much, he completes me, as cliché as that is. What I felt for Lisa is nothing compared to what I feel for Jack. I'm going to change the subject before I start using more clichés. It's not like I'm completely gay. Well I'm not.
My counsellor Major Theodore Jackson is the coolest old person I've ever met, after Nain Kylia and Tad-cu Taliesin that is. Major Jackson is from Chicago originally, he and his late wife retired here in 1970. Apparently during WWII he fell in love with Cardiff and swore one day he'd settle here. At first I thought the only weird thing was that he's dating Owen's grandmother but today I found out that he knew both my grandfathers. Was friends with them too. I find that odd as Ifan and Taliesin didn't get along that well from what I've heard. I'll have to ask the Major about it. I wonder if he knows about Torchwood, Taliesin did. It wouldn't surprise me if he does which would mean he might know about Jack as well. I'll have to find out. Jack said he never met him before but Jack's met so many people, surely he can't keep track of all of them. When they met the first day I was here, the Major said that Jack looked just like him at that age. Jack just rose his eyebrows and grinned. I said that maybe they just reused the mould but broke it when they made Jack.
Speaking again of Jack, I do have a new way to make him cringe; I just have to call him by his given name. It's great fun. He did get me a new iPod for agreeing to go to rehab. The one problem is they're not allowed, but as my best friend, the god of thieves says, 'it's only illegal if you get caught.'
So maybe this is what I do when I'm bored. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Well I hope you like it and I'll have the next chapter "Ghosts of the Past" up as soon as it's finished. Here are the songs again only with their respective artists.
"Every Breath You Take"—The Police
"Wherever you go"—The Calling
"Making Memories of Us"—Keith Urban
"Please Remember Me"—Tim McGraw or John Barrowman
"When I'm Sixty-Four"—The Beatles
"I Want Candy"—Bow Wow Wow
"The Shoop Shoop Song"—Betty Everett
"When You Kiss Me"—Shania Twain
"Kiss on My List"—Hall & Oates
"This I Promise You"— 'NSync
"Right Here Waiting for You"—Richard Marx or John Barrowman
"I Knew I Loved You"—Savage Garden
"Sex Bomb"—Tom Jones
I have way more songs I feel apply to Jack and Ianto but I'll list those some other time.