Some of my favorite parts in ME3 have to do with the flirtiness that James and Shepard have going on. I never thought about it, but now I'm wondering how a Shepmanced Joker would react to it.

"He's been staring at your ass."

Shepard tucked one leg under her as she sat down on the ground near his chair. Ejecting the thermal clip from her Carnifex, she began the job of cleaning it. Tuchanka's sand had gotten into several key operating parts, causing it to jam up at inopportune times while she and her team had searched for the Primarch's son. She had to rely on her Incinerate abilities between gun misfires and the waves of cannibals that hadn't given her time to swap out weapons. She really should use that tech power more often; it had been satisfying to see Reapers burn to a crisp, even if the smell hadn't been all that wonderful. "And? I happen to have a great looking ass." She barely looked up from her task. "Don't even try to tell me that you haven't looked once or twice."

Joker could feel his face growing hot. "This isn't about how many times I may or may not have checked you out; this is about him checking you out."

"Let me tell you an inside secret, Joker. As a girl getting to be a certain age, when men younger than me think that I'm hot, I find it extremely complimentary." She carefully set several gun pieces out in front of her, their order long since memorized to the point where she could do it blindfolded. "And besides, he doesn't mean anything by it."

"Okay, sure, Lola."

She stopped cleaning her gun in order to give him her complete attention. "Is that what's bothering you? That James gave me a nickname? Should I be upset that he calls you Ace?"

Joker shifted in his seat, words buzzing around his head like an angry swarm of bees. There was absolutely no reason why he should feel any animosity towards Vega. He liked James. He was a good guy with an easygoing personality that Joker trusted to have Shepard's back out in the field. He even played cards with him every so often, the two of them meeting up with Cortez for some late night poker games after their shifts. It was fun; he and Cortez often got caught up in some aviation related topic until Vega dragged them back into the game with a bit of trash talk. After a while, the three of them would reminisce about various people they'd known in the past until either he or Cortez cleaned Vega out of however much money he happened to have on him at the time.

That all changed the night when James suddenly brought up the topic of their CO and her superior features.

"Damn, have you checked that out?" James had asked, his hands pantomiming a rough feminine silhouette while he gave a low wolf whistle. "Tan caliente! She could lead me anywhere and I'd gladly follow, just as long as I got to keep the view." It wasn't the only comment made, and Joker quickly learned that Vega was definitely an ass and legs sort of man.

Joker had started making excuses for missing poker nights after that. Rationally, he knew that he didn't have a claim on Shepard, but it still pissed him off that someone else would think of her in the same manner that he'd been thinking of her for years. It was weird; he knew that Kaidan had a short crush on her during their SR-1 days, but it never really fazed him. Maybe it never bothered him back then because Shepard never flirted back with Alenko. Instead of decking Vega for making a pass or staring at her breasts – and there had been many times that Joker had wanted to remind Vega that Shepard's eyes were above chest level during missions – she seemed to encourage him.

"There's nothing to be jealous about," Shepard said, cutting through his silence.

"I'm not jealous," he muttered sullenly.

"And now you're jealous and sulking." Putting her weapon back together, she set it in the holster at her hip and snapped the leather safety strap shut. Kneeling, she put her elbows on the arm of his chair and looked up at him. "Answer a couple of quick questions for me?"

"What?"

"Where is our weapons bench located?"

He looked at her quizzically. "In the armory."

"And where is the armory?"

"In the hangar bay."

"And where is Lieutenant Vega normally stationed?"

He looked at her from under his cap. "Also in the hangar bay."

She smiled up at him. "Now here's the important one: why do you think I decided to clean my gun here on the bridge if Mr. Vega and the weapons bench are located in the hangar bay?" Shepard waited for that bit of information to sink in; Joker's lip curving upwards at the realization that she'd rather spend her free time with him than with anyone else. Getting to her feet, she leaned over and pressed a kiss to his cheek. Joker didn't know if she had meant to do it on purpose or not, but her lips managed to graze the corner of his mouth.

"He's pretty cute, but he doesn't hold a candle to you, Jeff," she said quietly. Straightening up, she flicked the bill of his cap. "Now quit being all caveman and start playing cards with James again. He's beginning to think that you don't like him." She didn't wait for his reply this time; she merely sauntered towards the CIC. "You're checking my ass out right now, aren't you, Moreau?" she asked, not even looking behind her.

There was no use denying it. "So? It's a great looking ass." Remembering something from earlier, he called out to her. "And you're not old."

Her laugh curled around him like a comforting hug. "See? That is why you're my favorite."