Attention Deficit
September 21, 2016
Inside the Loud House, Lucy and Lisa are eating frozen dinners in the living room and Charles is pulling on Lily's diaper because she has his bone. The entire living room is a mess and Lincoln is working on something in the dining room. Lola bursts into the house in her princess car and sends Lily and Charles flying and snatches Lisa's dinner fork with a piece of salisbury steak on it.
Lisa: [to Lola] SALISBURY STEAK STEALER!
Rita: [serves Lincoln a frozen dinner] Here's your dinner, Lincoln!
Lincoln: Thanks, Mom. Hey, will you help me with my science project? I have to build a volcano.
Rita: Sure, honey. Just give me five minutes. Leni and I are gonna practice putting on makeup.
Leni comes in with her lipstick on her eyes and her eye shadow on her lips and Rita takes her upstairs. Lynn and their father come walking by.
Lincoln: Hey, Dad, can you help me with my volcano?
Lynn Sr.: Sure, son. Just give me five minutes while I give Lynn some baseball pointers. [tosses a ball at a fragile object which breaks and scares Cliff.] And there's your first pointer, Lynn: never play ball in the house.
They head outside and Leni and Rita return.
Rita: Well, you're doing much better, Leni, but you're still venturing into...clown territory.
Lincoln: Mom, can we work on my volcano now?
Rita: Oh, five minutes, honey. I promised Lori I'd take a magazine quiz with her. [goes upstairs with Lori]
Lincoln: [getting frustrated] But I could really use some help! Dad, can you-
Lynn Sr.: [with Luna and a saxophone] Five more minutes, pal. I promised Luna I'd help her lay down some funky grooves, hah.
[The toilet flushes]
Lana: Hey, Dad! I clogged the toilet so you could teach me how to fix it!
Lynn Sr.: Five minutes, Lincoln! I mean, Lana! [starts playing sax which scares Cliff who tosses Lynn's baseball right at him to stop.] Ow!
Lincoln sighs in annoyance and Luke comes in with his frozen dinner.
Luke: Hey, Linc. [takes his seat]
Lincoln: Hey, Luke, I suppose you mind helping me with this volcano?
Luke: Uh... no thanks. I only came in here because there was too much ruckus going on in the living room. Have you tried asking Mom and Dad?
Lincoln: [slightly annoyed] Yes, but they're off helping one of our sisters.
Luke: Oh, sorry, dude. [starts eating his dinner]
Lincoln: [to the viewers] In a family as big as mine, getting attention from your parents is no easy thing. [sighs and turns to his volcano] How am I ever gonna finish this?
September 22, 2016
Lincoln: Wow! It's finished? Your volcano is awesome, Clyde! I even love how you put people on it.
Clyde: Thanks. That's Lori and me. We're climbing down to get married 'cause Bobby fell in and is being devoured by lava.
Lincoln: Ouch! It really did a number on his face. This project isn't due for a week. How'd you get it done so fast?
Clyde: My dads helped. We spent the whole weekend working on it.
Lincoln: My parents never give me that kind of attention. They're always rushing off to help one of my siblings.
Clyde: Why don't you bring your volcano to my house after school? My dads will have plenty of time to help you.
Lincoln: Really? That would be great!
They walk by Flip's juice cart.
Clyde: Oh, hang on, Lincoln. I'm gonna get volcano Lori a juice. Running from Bobby's tormented screams has made her thirsty.
Clyde's house…
Lincoln: [exhausted] Oh, these long school days, man.
Clyde: Tell me about it. But at least we're home now.
They enter the house and look on at the fabulous décor.
Lincoln: [enthralled] Wow...I always forget how different your house is from mine!
Clyde: Uh...you're shouting, Lincoln.
Lincoln: Oh, right. Sorry. Force of habit.
[Enter Clyde's dads]
Howard: Hi, fellas. Come on in.
Lincoln: Hi, Mr. McBride. Hi, Mr. McBride.
Harold: Ooh, nice structure, Lincoln. Ready to get to work?
Lincoln: You mean like now?
Harold: [takes the volcano and chuckles] Of course.
Lincoln's eyes beam and he runs across the floor, but Howard stops him.
Howard: Oh, hang on, Lincoln. You have a loose button on your shirt.
Lincoln: Oh. Well, I, uh...
Howard: [chuckles] No worries. [sews the button back on tight]
Lincoln: Thanks, Mr. McBride.
Harold: Great good heavens! It looks like the sole of your shoe is about to fall off!
Lincoln: Oh, that's just-
Harold: No worries. [takes Lincoln's shoe off] I'll just give it a little tappity tap.
Lincoln: Wow. You're not gonna just use a stapler on that?
Howard: Hold up, Lincoln. Your sideburns are uneven.
Lincoln: I know. Usually, I just tilt my head.
Howard: No worries.
Howard and Harold give Lincoln's sideburns a little trim to make them even.
Harold: Perfect!
Howard: Hot towel? [as he and Harold offer one to Lincoln.]
Dinnertime…
Howard: Sorry dinner's nothing fancy. Just roasted organic chicken with a homemade marinade.
Harold: And vegetables from our garden. Help yourself, Lincoln.
Lincoln: There's no foil to peel back?
Harold: [chuckles] Foil. LOL. That's a hot one, Lincoln.
Howard: [dims the lights and turns on the music.] Clyde, how was your day?
Clyde: It was great. I lasted 37 seconds in Dodgeball.
Howard: Did you hear that, Hare Bear? Thirty. Seven. Seconds.
Harold: Good job, son. And Lincoln, how was your day?
Lincoln: [coughing a little at that response] What? Me? You wanna know how my day was? Now?
He looks on with ecstasy and a choir suddenly starts playing.
Choir: HALLELUJAH!
But it turns out it was Howard's phone's ringtone.
Howard: Oops. Sorry. [turns phone off]
Clyde: You know the rules, Dad: no phones at the dinner table!
Lincoln: Seriously? What about amps, or pitching machines, or toilet snakes?
Harold: [laughs at such notions.] You're so funny, Lincoln! [offering Lincoln more food] Here. Have seconds.
Lincoln looks on ecstatic again and Howard's phone rings again.
Howard: Oh. I thought I turned this off.
Now they're relaxing in massage chairs with facial masks on and their voices wobble as they speak due to the chairs' vibrations.
Howard: Sorry we didn't finish your volcano tonight, Lincoln. Why don't you come back tomorrow?
Harold: It's Mani-Pedi Night at the McBride House.
Lincoln: Ooh, I love Italian food!
Harold: [laughs some more] You are too much, Lincoln.
Lincoln turns off his massage chair.
Lincoln: [happily to the viewers] I gotta say, getting some undivided attention is pretty sweet. And now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta give some undivided attention to my hammies [turns the chair back on] Awww, yeah.
Lincoln returns to his house where he witnesses Lori carrying Lily who has a stinky diaper and is crying over about it, Lana riding Lola's princess car...
Lana: YAHOO!
Lola: CAR THIEF!
...Luan chasing Lola with pies that she hits her with, Lisa carrying a radiating teddy bear with her tongs...
Lisa: Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Uh-oh!
...and an explosion from said teddy bear. The chaos in his house causes him to sigh with despair and slam the door.
[Enter Luke playing football]
Luke: Lincoln! What goes on? [examines him] Why do you look so different?
Lynn: FUMBLE! [tackles Luke to the ground] Hey, Lincoln! [examines him as well] You look different.
Luke: [in pain] That's what I said… ow. [gets up and brushes himself off]
Lincoln: My sideburns are even.
Lynn: No, it's more than that. Your skin is glowing, you look taller, and you smell like... [smells him] ...organic Brussels sprouts? Okay, what gives?
Luke: Yeah, where have you been all day?
Lincoln: I spent tonight at Clyde's. His dads helped me with my volcano and served me food with no foil and asked me about my day!
Luke: [amazed] Get outta here!
Lynn: Yeah, that sounds amazing! [thinks for a second] Hey, do you think they could help me with my baseball swing?
Lincoln: Sure. I think Clyde said one of his dads played ball in college. Why don't you come over after school tomorrow?
Lynn: Oh, that would be awesome! [playfully punches his arm]
Lincoln: Ow! Lynn, do you mind? Clyde's dads just gave me my vaccinations.
Luke: Vaccinations?! Okay, you have to take me, too. Please?
Lincoln: Okay, you can come too.
Luke: YES! Thanks, dude! [playfully punches his arm as well]
Lincoln: Ow! Really?!
Luke: [sheepishly] Sorry…
September 23, 2016
The next day, Lincoln, Luke, and Lynn are just leaving Clyde's house.
Harold: Goodbye!
Howard: Take care!
Lynn: I just can't believe Mr. McBride spent a whole hour coaching me!
Luke: And how about that dinner though? Who knew that cultinary meat tasted so good. [looks up with ecstasy]
Lincoln: Well, I'm glad you guys enjoyed the experience.
Lynn: Yeah. It was amazing. Ah, I'd punch you, but my arm is sore from the vaccinations.
Luke: Yeah, mine too.
They return home to find Luna out front.
Luna: Hey, dudes. [examines them] Wait. You look different. [pulls in their arms] Your nail beds are rockin'. [smells them] And do I smell meat? [suspicious] What's going on?
Luke: We've been hanging out with Clyde's dads all day. They've been giving us all kinds of one-on-one time.
Luna: Rad! Hey, you think they could jam with me? Dad's got a wicked canker and he can't blow the sax anymore.
Lynn: Sure. One of Clyde's dads told me he was in a band in college.
Lincoln: [sternly] Okay, but this is it. If anymore of you find out about Clyde's dads, the undivided attention is going to get pretty divided.
Luna: [giving him a pinch on the cheek] Don't worry, bro. [mimes sealing her lips, rolling down a car window, tossing a key out of it, and rolling it back up.] That was a car window.
Lincoln, Luke, and Lynn: Yeah, we get it.
[Cut to Luna jamming with Howard and assuring Lincoln everything's good. Lynn is practicing ball with Harold.]
Lincoln: Well, this is okay. I can handle sharing with a couple of sibilngs.
Luke: [pans over to him next to Lincoln] Uhh, I don't think I can. I just asked Mr. McBride if we could play a game together, but he said he would after he was done throwing some pitches to Lynn. That wasn't kind of fair.
Lincoln: Don't worry, Luke. It could be worse.
Suddenly, an uninvited guest appears.
Luan: And the woodpecker said, "That's why I tell knock-knock jokes". [laughs as Howard accompanies with a rimshot.]
Lincoln: [confused] Luan?
[Enter Lori]
Lori: Mr. McBride, would you say I'm more an Autumn or a Winter?
Howard: You are definitely a Summer.
Lori: Literally, right?
Lincoln: [shocked] Lori?!
Clyde: [bursts in] Lori? My future wife? Here with my dads?! What do I do? What do I do? Oh, I know! [faints in Lincoln's arms]
Luke: [sarcastically] Great plan, Clyde.
[Enter Lana in Lola's princess car]
Lana: YAHOO! MR. MCBRIDE, YO!
[Enter Lisa in a radiation suit and holding a beaker.]
Lisa: Oh, I can't believe you guys have sodium salicylate on the premises!
[Enter Leni, Lola, and Lucy]
Leni, Lola, and Lucy: MR. MCBRIDE! [rush over to Howard]
The girls are starting to overcrowd Howard.
Howard: [panicking] HAROLD!
Harold: What is it, Howie? [gasps upon seeing the other girls.] Great Betty Buckley...
Lily: [crawling in naked] Poo-poo!
Howard & Harold: THE CARPET!
Harold tosses the newspaper to Howard who then spreads it out to leave a trail for Lily.
Lily: [crawling on the paper] Poo-poo, poo-poo...
Luke: Oh, boy...
Lincoln: [angrily turns to Luna] Hey! You blabbed our secret to everyone?
Luna: No, bro! I would never do that! But...I may have sung it in the shower.
[Flashback to Luna taking a shower and singing.]
Luna: Undivided attention / So good, but it can't be mentioned / One-on-one time is totally cool / Hangin' with Clyde's dads after school~
It's revealed that the others overheard this and got the idea.
[End flashback.]
Luna: Sorry. I was just so amped.
[Cut to a practice funeral held by Lucy with Howard as the corpse.]
Lucy: Dearly beloved, we are gathered today to say goodbye-
Leni: Guys, I can't find my bedroom!
Howard: Remember, Leni, you're not in your own house.
Lucy: [silences him] No talking at your own funeral.
While the girls are having fun at Clyde's house, Luke is sitting at the table with his head resting on his arms, and Lincoln is still struggling to get his volcano finished.
Lincoln: Mr. McBride, can you help me with my volcano? It's due tomorrow.
Harold: Sure thing, Lincoln. Just give me five minutes. Luan wants me to try out this pie.
Lincoln: Hey, Mr. McB, wanna help me with my volcano?
Howard: Absolutely. Uh, just give me five minutes while I help Lola with her double pageant wave.
Lincoln sighs and Luan splatters Harold with her pie.
Harold: [face covered in meringue] So, that's what she meant by 'try out this pie'. [trips] Just give me five minutes, Lincoln. Gotta get this meringue out of my eye.
Howard: [with Lily on his head] Quiz Lori, jam with Luna, find Lily...
Harold: [face now clean] There we go. Now, who was it that needed my help? [hears an explosion] Lisa! [runs off]
The two brothers are joined by Lincoln's best friend while sulking that Lincoln's back to square one.
Lincoln: This stinks, Clyde. I finally get some attention and my sisters come over here and hog it. They all gotta go.
Clyde: I totally agree. Except for Lori. [holds up her magazine] I'm studying all her quiz answers, and if I change everything about myself, we'll be soulmates!
Lincoln: You know, if you wanna impress Lori, you can just talk to her.
Clyde: Yes. Talk to her. That's a valid- [suddenly faints again]
Lincoln puts a pillow on his unconscious friend's face.
Luke: [sighs] Well, so much for getting all the attention for once in this family.
Lincoln: What are you talking about?
Luke: I mean, you're not the only one who finds trouble getting attention from our parents nowadays. Sometimes, I suffer the same problem you have, whether it's with Mom not having time to help me with my English homework, or Dad not being able to show me how some classic video game consoles that were in the attic work back in his day.
Lincoln: I get what you're saying, Luke, I've had just about enough of this myself. Now listen up! [fails to get their attention] I guess I picked the wrong day to stop shouting. [gets louder] I SAID-
Lola: Thank you, Lincoln! I got it! I am going to dominate the Little Miss Ambidextrous Pageant!
Leni: You're the best, Lincoln. Clyde's dads really helped with my makeup. Now if I can just find my bedroom. [checks the grandfather clock] Nope. That's Lisa's room.
Lana: Lincoln, did you know Mr. McBride put himself through theater school working as a plumber? He spent a whole hour teaching me about flush valves!
Lincoln: [to the viewers] Wow. Maybe I had it wrong. My sisters aren't trying to hog Clyde's dads. They just want a little attention, too. And you know what? I'm gonna let them have it. [takes his volcano]
Luke: Where are you going?
Lincoln: I'm going home. You're welcome to join me if you'd like.
Luke: [gets up from his chair] Sure. I think I'd rather be at home right now, too. [grabs a dinner dish.] But this meat is definitely coming with us.
Lincoln: For sure, let's go. [The two leave]
[The Loud House. Lincoln and Luke are at the table and Lincoln is resuming his volcano by himself.]
Luke: Nice to see the structure coming along, dude.
Lincoln: Thanks, Luke.
Just then...
Rita: Oh, Lincoln. There you are. I got some more materials for your volcano.
Lynn Sr.: [with a pot of sauce] And I made my special marinara sauce for lava.
Lincoln: [elated] Wow! Thanks! You guys remembered my volcano!
Lynn Sr.: Of course we did. We always planned to help. We just needed to find some time.
Luke: Even for me?
Lynn Sr.: Yes, Luke, you too. [ruffles Luke's hair]
Rita: We're sorry it took so long, honey. Did you do something to your sideburns?
Just then, a car comes careening down the street, drops something off, and drives away. The boys' sisters are home now.
Lynn: We broke Clyde's dads.
Rita: You did what?
Lori: We were having a great time when all of a sudden they just snapped, herded us into their car and drove us home.
Lisa: I have no idea what precipitated this. I simply suggested a sleepover.
Luke: [rolls his eyes] No comment.
Lincoln: [to the viewers] Not everyone can handle 12 kids like Mom and Dad can.
Back at Clyde's house, Howard is stressed out from the ordeal that was the Loud sisters.
Clyde: Hey, Dad, what did you think of my future bride, Lori?
Howard: [traumatized] Which one was she? There were so many... [shudders]
Harold: [disappointed in himself] I'm sorry. Frozen dinners were all I could manage.
Clyde's dinner is still frozen and the fork is jammed in the ice surrounding it.
Clyde: Dad, I think you forgot to- [notices his dads are exhausted and sleeping from what they were put through with the Loud girls.]
Back to the Loud House...
Lincoln: [to the viewers] I guess I really underestimated my parents. Even if it takes a while, they eventually find time for all of us, everyday. No wonder Dad has a wicked canker.
The girls start begging for a little attention from their parents.
Rita & Lynn Sr.: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold it! Five minutes, girls. We're helping Lincoln now.
FIVE MINUTES LATER...
Lincoln: It's finished! Ahem. Drum roll, please. [drum roll commences] Three...two...one! [presses a button, causing marinara sauce to splatter everywhere for an eruption.]