I'm really sorry you guys, things have been unbelievably busy lately! I hope this longish chapter makes it up to you! For the record, if anyone misses it, it does skip to December. Also, in my rush to post this, it has currently only been semi-reviewed, so if you find any typos or that, I'd really appreciate you leave a review - you don't even need to spot a type to leave one! It's a glorious thing, isn't it? REVIEW pretty please?

Disclaimer: Don't sue me, I can't afford it. Everything goes to the Queen herself, JKR.

Chapter 38

Smiling felt nearly impossible.

It felt like a mask, painted on, one where anyone only had to look close enough to see the cracks. The energy it took to make people believe she was okay was exhausting. Her life was exhausting.

Every day only amplified her feelings of emptiness, of hopelessness, of pain and suffering, because it reminded her of what she was supposed to be feeling; but faking a smile was so much easier than explaining why she was sad, empty, despairing.

It made her feel like a fraud.

But her silence was just another word for her pain, and it left too many opportunities to be filled with her thoughts and her distorted memories.

And so she put on her smile, and she went about her day.

She may want to be happy, may wish her smile wasn't merely a façade, but, in the darkest corner of her mind – the darkest place she knew of, and the thing that scared her the most –she couldn't help but listen to the voice whispering to her.

You don't deserve it.

You don't deserve compassion, attention, love.

You're just pathetic and weak and a waste of space.

You are nothing.

She felt incomplete most days, and it took her awhile to realize that the thing she felt like she lost, was herself.

So yes, she may be smiling, but don't let that fool you; one only had to look upon her when she thought no one else was around to know that she was breaking inside.

And it hurts, but it's okay –she's used to it.

While James and Lily gradually became accustomed to the new routine of Head Duties as October, and finally November passed, her body mourned the loss of sleep; while patrolling with James well into the early mornings gave them time to spend solely with one another (and the opportunity was rather awash with unsubtle physical contact and unwanted blushing), the loss of sleep left them landing in a tangled heap on the bed in the evening and unwilling to detangle themselves from each other at sunrise. Lily couldn't count the times where she merely buried her head into James' chest and refused to move, leading to him picking her up and carrying her into the bathroom, dropping her in the shower and blasting cold water, before leaving to the sound of her colourful cursing.

Her revenge kept becoming more painful than what he'd been expecting, and so he quickly found another way to wake her up; coffee.

Thank Merlin for the House Elves. James thought, groaning as he meandered into the oddly sweet-scented lavatory to brush his teeth. It had been another late night patrolling, but thankfully it was a Friday, and since both Heads had a free period first thing, they decided to skip breakfast and just sleep.

As James started brushing his teeth, he looked up into the surprisingly foggy mirror. He stared in confusion at it for a moment, until the sound of water slashing against the tub reached his ears, as well as a squawk of surprise.

James stood frozen, gaping at the sight of Lily, submerged in bubbles and hot water, with steam rising and swirling around her head and a misty-eyed gaze. Deep, dark red hair piled above her head in curls, with the odd coil framing her flushed face – James wondered absently if it was because of the temperature of the water or embarrassment – and her arms resting on the ledge of the bath, fingers dripping water absently down onto the floor. James audibly gulped at the sight of how her feet, which were propped over the ledge of the bath and crossed at the ankles, ran into her ankles, that ran into her shins, that ran down into the foamy water, the sensual image of her creamy smoothness of her legs intense behind even his closed eyelids.

His glasses fogging up had absolutely nothing to do with the temperature of the room, of that he was certain.

As Lily tried to hide more of her gleaming chest –thankfully most of it had already been submerged, otherwise James would've fainted on sight –she shrieked a greeting, 'James! Sodding hell! Knock next time, would you?'

James could do nothing more than bolt out of the room, throwing his toothbrush out of his mouth and into the room, praying it at least avoided the toilet.

As James found it ironic that he was now very much in need of an extremely cold shower, he swore he could hear a tinkling laugh that only made him groan louder.

While James wanted to die of mortification, Lily refused to let him avoid her, and instead pretended as if the incident had never occurred. It was that very reason that the two Heads were huddled over a cauldron in Potions class, trying to prepare Amortentia, the strongest love potion to exist, with Lily trying not to snap at their excitable professor. A Slug Club Christmas party had just been announced, despite the fact that Christmas itself was still little less than three weeks away.

'In honour of Damocles Belby, more like,' Lily harrumphed into her cauldron, growling at what she could predict the outcome of the party to be; everyone praising Belby for taming the beast, for neutralising the monster, and whining about how if only the Wolfsbane potion could kill the werewolf as well. Ever since his publication of the Wolfsbane potion not long ago, Belby had sworn that he'd try to continue modifying the potion to, if not remove the Lycanthropy all together, at least kill the beast lest he wreak havoc upon unsuspecting villagers. Needless to say, Lily and the rest of the Marauders were understandably infuriated.

'What's that, Miss Evans?' Slughorn questioned loudly from the front of the classroom, inspecting a tray of crystallized pineapple.

'Oh, nothing Professor, just warning James not to add the pearl dust before the ashwinder eggs.' Lily blushed slightly, kicking James' leg under the table before he could properly protest.

'Very good, Miss Evans. As you know, the pearl dust would only negate the ashwinder eggs, leaving the potion dangerously unstable, and yet almost undetectable in its inaccuracy; it would still smell like the things a person would find most attractive, however, should merely one drop drip onto the tongue, the drinker would find themselves in an eternal sleep. You'll be attending the party, won't you, Miss Evans? It'd be wonderful if both Heads were in attendance, and Merlin knows you're the only one able to charm Mr. Potter into doing anything.'

'I'll do my best, Professor. Out of curiosity, would Damocles Belby be attending?' Lily asked, blinking her big, wide eyes innocently. She kicked James' leg once more, as punishment for the snort he let escape at her tone.

'Oh! Why, I hadn't even thought of – oh, I don't see the harm in an invitation, it'll be grand to see him once again!' As Slughorn began muttering to himself, Lily returned her focus to a grimacing James, who was rubbing his calf under the table.

'Merlin, Evans, did you have to kick so hard?' He grumbled before stirring the potion according to the instructions, noting that they were nearly done.

'Oh shut it, you know you deserved it.' Lily had packed up their ingredients and began comparing their potion with the description in the textbook, when she sniffed slightly and complained, 'You know, Potter, I get that you didn't get to have a shower this morning, but really! You could've laid off the cologne a little bit! That's all I'll be able to smell all weekend.' Lily exclaimed loudly.

'Coming from the girl that left the bathroom a bloody rose scented cloud? It's all I can smell!' James demanded, pointedly not looking at her as his mind flashed back to that morning tauntingly.

As they continued arguing back and forth about whose sent was stronger, they were completely oblivious to the rest of the classroom – the entirety of which had their undivided attention focused on the two utter morons that they had for Head Students.

Marlene still wanted to strangle the both of them, and the only thing keeping her in her seat was the tight grip Sirius had on her hand. She ducked her head to hide a blush, insisting it was merely caused by annoyed frustration.

'Merlin's left saggy – Lily!' Marlene growled, her hands clenching into fists. 'Would you just bloody open your bloody eyes and look at the bloody boy! He's completely mad for you! What are you on about, wondering if he fancies you?'

'Don't give me that, Marls, you know he never actually fancied me,' The petite redhead frowned, her forehead crinkling in muted despair. 'I was the only girl not wooed by him, his pride couldn't stand for it.' She scoffed, discreetly wiping at a stray tear that had escaped. Oh, if only James knew the irony of the situation, she thought crossly. 'He's changed, he doesn't care so much about all the attention anymore, so he doesn't need me to fancy him too; he's over it – over me.'

When Lily made eye contact with Marlene, her big, watery, doe eyes were shinning a brilliant emerald green, and Marlene felt a hopeless desperation to wipe the misery lining Lily's face from her friend's countenance.

'Just because he's become more subtle doesn't mean he isn't still completely mad about you. You should see the way he looks at you when you aren't looking.' She murmured softly, her irascibility disappearing.

'Bet you that was before my parents' deaths. I'm broken now, he won't want me. Bloody hell, I moved in with him! He probably thinks I'm like his sister now, or at the very least, one of the guys. He saw me in the bath and was only embarrassed…' Lily growled and angrily yanked her hair out of her pony tail, running her hands through and yanking on the dark red locks.

'What, you thought he'd try to shag you right then? Lily, – ' Marlene groaned, unsure how to explain to her emotionally-dense best friend that James always wants to shag her, but Lily just didn't know it.

'Of course not! But I certainly didn't expect him to run away like hell hounds were on him. How plainer of a rejection can a girl get?'

'Or maybe he ran away to maintain a tiny amount of restraint, so that he wouldn't try to shag you right then.' Marlene snorted when Lily blushed, frowning when she could see the protestation already forming on her friend's tongue. 'Fine! Fine, I give, Lils. Don't ask him to Hogsmeade. Buy him his Christmas gift and spend all break pining over him. But I swear; if you end up in your forties alone aside from your twenty cats, I'm never visiting you.' She turned on her heel and left Lily alone to go find Sirius, hoping he'd have had better look convincing his half of the Head Students to ask the other to Hogsmeade.

She'd strangle everyone in Hogwarts if they didn't get James and Lily together soon.

'Pruning Petunias.' James grumbled Lily's chosen password of the week over Sirius' chatter, leading the rest of the Marauders into the Heads' Common Room.

'Don't see what McKinnon sees in the bloke, you'd think after so many long study sessions in the library she'd realize that for a Ravenclaw, Fletcher doesn't have two brain cells to rub together.' Sirius grumbled, slumping into an armchair.

'Padfoot, you do know that they're working on McGonagall's Transfiguration project together, right? She's been wanting to stab him in the leg since last Tuesday.' Remus chortled, whacking him behind the head as he made his way over to sit on the loveseat. 'Besides, why don't you just ask her to Hogsmeade if you're so interested in who she sees late at night in the library, hm?' When Sirius merely faked deafness, Remus and the other Marauders could only laugh.

'What about you, Prongs? Are you going to ask Evans to Hogsmeade?'

'It's funny, Moony; it's almost like you want me to get hexed.'

'Oh please, all that you'd be doing is letting her know you're still interested. She might say yes, you know; besides, would you rather ask her yourself, or have some other bloke do it?' Remus asked, turning to James and propping his feet up on the coffee table.

'Of course I don't, but my opinion isn't what matters; Lily might. She might fancy someone else, might want to go with them, and as her friend, I have to let her.' James grimaced, running his hands through his hair as his lips pursed.

'Fine, whatever you say, Prongs. Just try to keep the sulking to a minimal if she does end up going with someone else – for our sakes, if not for your pride; Merlin knows you don't have a lot left.'

'I thought we wanted James to ask Lily, Moony?' Peter asked, lifting his head from his sketchbook, ink splattering his nose faintly.

'James wants Lily to feel the same way about him as he does for her,' Sirius said abruptly, turning his face away from the fire. 'But he doesn't want to upset her or scare her off by telling her how he feels. So he doesn't do anything, and is just waiting to see what happens next instead.' When nothing but suspicious and knowing silence met his ears, Sirius got up with a huff and retreated to the Gryffindor Common Room, finding escape ensconced between the fireplace and Marlene, allowing her conversation to carry his mind away and bring a smile upon his face.

'And Turner passes to Carmichael who passes to Thompson who – drops it. See folks, this is what happens when none of the chasers are speaking to one another. The only details I have on that, was the existence a rumour where a bottle of Firewhiskey and somebody's girlfriend were involved, so if anyone has anymore information for me, I'd be honoured – no no, Pofessor, background information, you know. I'll keep the microphone, thank you.' Marcus Steeling announced to the stadium, dancing out of reach from Professor McGonagall, 'And James Potter, the brilliant Gryffindor Captain and Head Boy swoops down under them to rescue the quaffle, avoiding a Bludger by allowing Lily Evans, legendary Beater and Head Girl to swoop in and knock it towards the Ravenclaw Seeker, who, it seemed, had just begun to go into a dive. With the Snitch lost, Sanders of Gryffindor and Anderson of Ravenclaw recommence their search for the elusive snitch.

'Potter approaches the Ravenclaw goals, passing back and forth between Meadowes, once, twice, three times before aiming at the posts and – he scores! Twenty to zero for gryffindor! Come on, seekers, we're all freezing our bollocks off, lets hurry it up out here so that we can all head in to get warm, shall we?'

As the freezing wind coursed through the stands, it almost seemed as if all of the warm cloaks, hands, mittens, and scarves had no effect on the freezing temperature of the December afternoon. Lily's face was crimson from the wind with her lips and fingers blue from the cold, and no one else was faring all that much better.

And though the Slug Club party was that evening, Lily really wished she was there, instead of freezing her arse off on a broomstick. It was only when Sanders caught the snitch thirty minutes later that she wished the game would've gone on longer.

'Come on, Lils. Hogsmeade's tomorrow, we can sleep in a little bit longer before heading down to the village – unless you have plans, of course?' James spluttered, his insides twisting as he coerced the grumbling redhead out of the Portrait Hole and towards the dungeons.

'No, of course I want to sleep and then head down with you, but I just hate all of the brown-nosing that goes on during these things.' She groused, walking along beside him. Not long afterwards had them approaching Slughorn's office, which was heavily decorated for the event.

The ceiling and walls had been draped with silver, crimson and indigo hangings, so that it looked as though they were all inside a vast tent. The room was crowded and stuffy and bathed in the golden light cast by an ornate lamp dangling from the centre of the ceiling in which real fairies were fluttering, each a brilliant speck of light. Loud singing accompanied by what sounded like mandolins issued from a distant corner; a haze of pipe smoke hung over several elderly witches deep in conversation, and a number of house-elves were negotiating their way squeakily through the forest of knees, obscured by the heavy silver platters of food they were bearing, so that they looked like little roving tables.

Lily groaned before slipping a small, polite smile on her face, gripped James' biceps tightly in her grasp, coincidentally pulling him slightly closer to her, and stepped into the room.

While she drank a fair amount, she drank very little while in attendance of the party, saving a smuggled bottle for her and James to share later that evening in the Heads Dorms.

It was all because of that bottle that they had an extremely rough morning before heading to Hogsmeade; as it dawned, Lily and James were of the unanimous decision that it was much too bright, and there wasn't enough coffee in all of Hogwarts to satisfy the two of them. Bleary eyed, they both groused while getting dressed and searching for Hangover potions.

'Sodding hell, those potions are shite.' Lily swore, wiping her mouth as she knelt next to the toilet.

'You know how they work, Evans,' James said, his words muffled as he brushed his teeth. 'They get rid of all of the alcohol – doesn't mean its pleasant.'

'Still, they don't have to taste so disgusting. Just a taste and you'd want to be sick regardless.' Grumbling, the redhead made her way into her room to get changed, shedding the baggy shirt she used as pyjamas along the way.

James laughed as she emerged a short while later, still grumbling and running her tongue along her teeth. 'Lets go, Evans. You can wash down the taste with a butterbeer.'

'Whatever, Potter. Just get me out of the cold quickly before I hex your bollocks off.' She grouched, fastening her scarf around her neck before linking her arm with his, as they left the castle together.

'Oi! You're the one who needs to get all her Christmas gifts! I already got mine with the boys, I'm just along for the ride.' James said, pulling her closer to him as he saw her shiver out of the corner of his eye.

'You broke school rules and most likely went while I was tutoring Lewis. I emptied Remus out of his chocolate stash that night; I needed a chocolate frog every time I had to point out 'magic' was not spelt with a 'k'. He's in fifth year, James!' Lily groaned, burrowing her face in as much of her scarf as she could. It was only as they were meandering down the main road that they heard what sounded like thunder, only it sounded rather odd.

While it wasn't thunder, it was something much worse.

It was the sound of what seemed like an army of Death Eaters apparating into the town at the same time, soon followed by the sounds of the blood curling shrieks of the panicking and terrified.