Thank you, Sherry and Paige, for being so wonderful and supportive every step of the way!

"In my past, bittersweet,

There's no love between the sheets,

Taste of blood, broken dreams,

Lonely times indeed,

With eyes cast down,

Fixed upon the ground,

Eyes cast down.

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun."

-Cage the Elephant-

EPOV:

Paul inspires more than memories of my old life, he also conjures up memories of my old self. It's crazy that a person can trigger a memory of who you once were. It's strange, because I don't really recognize the guy I had been. I've come so far since then.

It didn't take long for Paul to contact me after I ran into him. Whatever held him back initially, seemed to have dissipated, just like my worries about the effects of hanging out with a man who reminds me constantly of my brother. Instead of feeling depressed when I'm with Paul, I feel elated. He is so much like Seth, in his actions, mannerisms, and even in the way he talks. In a strange way, I feel as if I'm with my brother again. Just like old times.

We've hung out a few times, just the two of us. It's nice to hang out with another member of AA. There isn't any awkwardness about explaining why you can't go out to bars or why you have to meet up at 'neutral' locations. I don't have to worry about being judged, because Paul is in the same situation as me. We don't discuss problems with substance abuse, and most of the time we don't even discuss Seth, we just keep the conversation shallow and light. I'm glad he doesn't want to talk about that shit, I don't know if a day will come when I'm comfortable with my past.

Tonight, we're at a local pizza joint, a place we go to when we don't want to be stuck inside of his apartment. You never realize how much an adult's social life revolves around alcohol until you have to fucking avoid it. It really narrows down the spots you can hit up around town. Nevertheless, I enjoy getting out, regardless of how dull the location might be.

"I can't believe Charlie will be turning one in a month," I chuckle, taking a sip of my coke.

I can't believe how much time has passed. On December 16th, he will be a year old and I want to have a party for him. I've honestly never planned a party before, every party I ever had was just some shit thrown together last minute. I thought about working with Bella on it, but I wanted to surprise her with my ability to plan something great. That is, of course, if I can pull it off.

Paul stiffens in his seat across from me. The change in his demeanor when I talk about my son, never escapes my notice. Something flashes in his eyes, and while it's fleeting, it's still something I recognize. Every time I see that look, I want to question him about it, but it's long gone by the time I can open my mouth. He takes a sip of his Pepsi and gives me a small, tight smile.

"You guys having a party?" He asks, relaxing against the booth.

"Yeah, I wanted to have a get-together for him. You want to come?" I ask, wanting to see if he would decline the invitation.

He shrugs his shoulders and takes another sip of his drink. "Sure, man. I can probably make it."

It's Seth's son, you'd think he would at least have some fucking enthusiasm. Because I was strung out in California at the time, Seth made Paul his Godfather. It was a great choice, because at the time, what kind of guidance could I possibly give? Now that Seth has died, Paul doesn't seem too interested in seeing Charlie at all. Maybe he's worried because of his issues with alcohol? Or maybe it's something else, the fuck if I know.

"Well, I really hope you can. It would mean a lot to us." I try my hand at guilting him into it.

"I'll come then," he assures me with a smile. "How's he doing anyway?"

It's the first time Paul has really asked about Charlie, causing me to grin at his question. As sad as it might be to some people, talking about my son is my favorite thing to fucking do. I used to pity people who had nothing to talk about besides their kids. When I was younger, I just never understood who the fuck actually cared. Although, now I get this shit-eating grin on my face every time I mention my son. I bring him up even when I know, no one is really listening. You do that when someone is the center of your universe.

"He's adjusted so well. I still can't believe how long I've had him with me. Five months flew by so fucking fast."

"I can't believe it's been that long," Paul quietly replies.

I know he misses Seth just as much as I do. Charlie could be some sort of trigger for him, which is devastating to me, though I do get it. He's just a baby though, he deserves to be loved and not shunned for being a reminder of someone who is gone.

"Yeah, man. Me either. I don't mean to sound sappy or whatever, but he is growing up so fucking fast!"

It seems like it was just yesterday when I held him in my arms for the first time. I remember how fucking nervous I was because he looked so small and seemed so fragile. Mom hadn't helped, hovering over me like she was waiting for me to make a mistake. When he was first placed in my arms, his eyes were closed and he had a small smile on his face. I loved him from that moment. That love only grew stronger when he opened his eyes and finally looked at me. He smiled at me as if he knew I was his family and had reached out to hold my finger, his way of saying that he loved me too. Now, he is beginning to talk and walk and I find that I love him more with each passing day. I hadn't thought so at first, but now I can see what a fucking blessing he has been.

We shift the conversation to other things and leave with the promise to hang out again sometime soon. It's so fucking nice to have another good friend in this town. As much as I love my girl, it's nice to have a guy to hang with. Although, Paul isn't exactly the fun-loving and carefree man he once was, he is still an awesome guy to hang out with. I went from having zero true friends, to having three, which may seem small to some, but it's a lot for someone like me.

Charlie is practicing walking as I come through the front door of my apartment. His little legs are getting stronger and he can now take a few more steps before he falls on his butt. His face lights up as soon as he sees me and reaches his arms out as he tries to run toward me. I jog forward until I'm a few feet in front of him and drop to my knees, encouraging him to walk the rest of the way.

"Da da!" He laughs, clapping his hands in excitement before he concentrates on taking the steps to get to me.

I'm so fucking proud as I watch him take one step after the other. When he is just a foot away, his legs get shaky and he falls to the ground. The landing doesn't faze him and with a huge grin on his face, he crawls the rest of the way.

"Da da!"

"Good job buddy!" I exclaim, as I take him into my arms.

Seeing him accomplish anything makes me feel as good as if I were the one to accomplish something. He makes me so proud and I know he will continue to make me proud as he gets older.

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"Mommy, made you picture Mommy!"

Mommy no care, she shoos me away and look back at TV.

"What's that you have there, buddy?" Daddy asks as he sits by me.

"I drew dis daddy!"

I hand him picture. I work hard on it. It me, Seth, daddy, and mommy. Daddy happy.

"This is amazing, buddy. You did a great job!" He smile and kiss my head. "Can daddy have this to put in his office? I want to show everyone your great picture."

I smile. I made daddy happy! He like my art!

"Yeah, daddy. You have it, daddy!"

"Thanks, buddy. Daddy's so proud of you."

I shoot up in bed and wipe the sweat from my face. Dreaming is so rare for me, when it does happen it feels like a shock to my system. Suddenly, I want to fucking cry and I never cry. I hate feeling fucking weak.

I want to feel angry. Anger is so much easier to deal with than disappointment, and that's what I feel when I think of him now, so incredibly fucking disappointed. He had been my hero for so long, the only one who ever seemed to really care for me. I had thought of him as perfect, but I should have known better. No one is perfect, regardless of how much you idolize them. When I was younger, my dad was like a superhero to me, and now he is just a regular human being, flaws and all. I disapprove of his behavior, but can I truly hate him? He has loved me unconditionally; he loved me when I got expelled from high school, he loved and supported me while I was getting my GED, he loved me when I left home to travel around the United States, he loved me when I was strung out on pain pills and tripping on LSD, he loved me when I returned, no longer looking like the boy who left, and he loved me when I became a father to Charlie. He has supported me every single step of the way, regardless of his feelings about my behavior. Doesn't he deserve the same unconditional love? I wipe my watery eyes before any tears escape. Suddenly, I want to call my dad.

Bella stirs awake at my side and gives me a sleepy smile. Stretching her arms above her head, she asks, "What's wrong, baby? Can't sleep?"

I shake my head. Thank fuck it's dark, because I don't want my girl to see me like this. "I just had a dream, it woke me up."

She runs her hand up and down my arm, in a comforting gesture. God, I love her.

"Do you want to lay back down with me?" She asks.

I fucking sniffle, and I know my girl heard it.

"Edward? Baby, what is it?"

I shake my head, worried that if I talk I won't be able to control myself. Bella sits up to kiss my shoulder and wraps her arms around me. We sit in silence, and Bella doesn't press me, but waits until I am ready to speak.

"I just had a dream about my dad," I finally explain.

"A bad dream?"

"No, it was a really good memory," I quietly state. "When I was in preschool I used to draw him a ton of pictures. I drew a few for my mom, but she never wanted them, so dad would take them and tell me how proud he was." I hate talking about shit like this. It makes me feel so fucking young and vulnerable.

"He was a good dad, wasn't he?"

"He was great. I try to emulate him all the time when I'm with Charlie."

As fucking pissed as I am at him, I want him in my life. He was, and still is, extremely supportive and wants nothing more than to see me succeed. I'm repulsed by his actions, I've always thought cheating was the worst thing you could possibly do in a relationship, although I've been the 'other guy' quite a few times when I was young and fucking stupid. I'm repulsed, angry, and disappointed, but he is still my father and I still love him. I need to talk to him about it, I can't just write him off and have him ghost from my life.

"I'll call him tomorrow. He needs to know that I don't hate him."

The streetlight breaks through the blades of the blinds, illuminating Bella's beautiful face. She gives me a soft smile and nods her head in agreement.

"It's hard to see our parents as normal people who are just as capable of making mistakes as we are. A year after my mom died, my dad started dating. I was absolutely devastated. I wanted him to mourn for my mom, until I was ready to move on. I stopped talking to him, and would treat his girlfriend, Sue, horribly. I felt ashamed of my actions later on, and apologized to him. He told me he expected nothing less, considering my age, and he was sorry too. Now, we get along great, but for a long time I hated him." Bella pauses, shaking her head at the memory. "I think you'll feel better when you talk to your dad."

"I think I will too."

He's offered me his love without any conditions, and now it's time I do the same.

A/N: Thoughts?

Song- "Shake Me Down" by Cage the Elephant.