Chapter 37: One last night
Bella
This was it. This has, without a doubt, been my biggest fear ever since I had realized that I loved him. I was losing him. I was losing my Edward before I even had the chance to really be with him.
Tomorrow morning I would have to say goodbye and just the thought of having to actually let him go was making me tear up instantly. I couldn't do it.
I was heavily sobbing in my pillow, hoping that by letting the tears flow freely, the pain in my chest would become less prominent. But it didn't. It never did. It hurt every time I thought about it.
For the past few days, I had cried myself to sleep every single night, hoping that when I would wake up the next day, I would realize that it was all some stupid nightmare.
But every morning, reality would hit me with full force, reminding me that I was really living in this hell and that there was no escaping. He really was leaving.
In an attempt to take in as much Edward as I could – yes, call me pathetic, I don't care -, I had spent my every waking hour with him. I didn't care what we did, or where we were, but I just needed to be close and it seemed like he needed it just as much as I did.
All these days, I had deliberately ignored Alice and Rosalie because I hadn't been ready for their judgment yet. And besides, they were too busy fawning over their new boyfriends as well. Apparently they had met two totally swoon worthy guys at a party last weekend and according to Rosalie, Alice was already planning her wedding. Yes, I did read their text messages; I only wasn't ready to throw myself completely into their madness. I would deal with them once Edward had left.
Which would be tomorrow…only nine more hours before he would be gone for god knows how long.
I sat up in my bed again, feeling the wetness on my cheeks, but not caring to wipe the tears away because they would be replaced instantly anyway. I couldn't sleep at all. Not now that I had realized how little time there was actually left. Nine hours. 540 minutes. 32.400 seconds.
And I was spending them crying in my bed. We were spending our last hours that we could be together, apart. That realization hit me with full force and suddenly I couldn't stop myself anymore.
Without giving it a second thought, I jumped out of bed and threw on the first pair of jeans and the first sweater I could find in my room. I rushed outside, not even caring if I woke my mom and dad by being too loud. I just had to get out of here. I just had to get to Edward because if not, these feelings would suffocate me.
Once I was sitting behind the wheel of my truck, I took a few deep breathes, knowing that I wouldn't be able to see a damn thing while driving, because the tears were still blinding my vision. I wiped them away as much as I could before hitting the road. The drive seemed to take forever even though my truck was already protesting loudly at the speed I was forcing it to go at.
When I had finally arrived, I quickly parked my car on the curb in front of Edward's house, not even caring if it was parked neatly, before rushing to the front door. I skidded to a halt when I had reached the porch, realizing that I just couldn't go ring the doorbell. It would be really goddamned awkward if his mother would open that door, I tell you.
I thanked myself silently for pocketing my cell phone before leaving so I could at least send him a text to meet me downstairs, just like he had done a few days before.
The memory of that night made me smile weakly. I wanted nothing more than to go back to that happy, carefree moment where we thought that there was no way Edward would leave Forks. We had been fools. Fools blinded by love.
"Bella?" I heard a soft voice calling from my right side, snapping my eyes away from my cell phone.
My head turned toward the noise in surprise, forgetting about the text all together because apparently it wasn't necessary anymore. When I saw Edward sitting on the porch swing, I couldn't control myself anymore. I lunged myself into his arms, letting the tears flow freely again.
Edward's hold on me was just as desperate as mine and I quickly realized that he as well, had been crying. Not that I would ever comment on that, because even though he was different than any other guy I had ever met before, being caught crying doesn't really feed any man's ego.
"What are you doing here," he whispered with a hoarse voice. He really had been crying.
"I had to see you," I said against his chest, "I needed to be with you."
Edward didn't reply he just shifted in his seat so we were both more comfortable in each other's arms. He understood my need to be close and by the way he was holding me I could tell that he needed it just as much as I did.
I don't know how long we stayed like that; just holding on to each other in silence, but it was as if I could literally hear the seconds tick away. It was like a time bomb. It would explode in just a few hours, and the consequences were still unclear. There would be a lot of pain and tears, but the impact of the explosion was something that wasn't known yet and I feared it. I feared it more than anything.
"Edward?" I suddenly mumbled, realizing that there was one thing that I needed him to promise me before he left. It would be my lifeline, my little line of hope that he would come home soon.
"Mmhm," he murmured, his lips pressing softly in my hair. It was such a small gesture but every time he kissed me so softly like that, my heart would speed up and grow in size until I would find it hard to breathe.
"Promise me that you'll try to prove those doctors of your abilities," I said, lifting my head from his chest so I could look him in the eyes.
"I promise," he said sincerely, giving me another one of those heart stopping kisses on my forehead.
"I just need you back home as soon as possible," I confessed, snuggling back into his chest and breathing in his perfume. All Edward.
"I'll do whatever I can," he said, his voice holding so much promise that I found myself being hopeful that maybe he'd be back sooner than we both thought.
Silence surrounded us against, but apparently something that had been said had made Edward tense up. I could feel it roll off of him in waves and to be honest, it scared me. I was just about to ask him what was bothering him, before he spoke up himself.
"I really promise I'll try my best to get out there as soon as possible, Bella, but know that I don't expect you to wait for me if it takes too long," he whispered into the dark night, his voice so breakable that it was obvious that he was fighting the tears once again.
"What?" I choked out, shocked at his suggestion. "You don't want me to wait or…?"
I was sitting right up again, needing to see his face as he voiced whatever words he was going to say. I couldn't believe this. I couldn't believe that this would be our last hours.
"Of course I want you to," he said instantly, pulling me back against his body. His finger slowly traced my spine and the soft touch caused me to shiver. "There is nothing in the world I want more, but I can't force you to put your life on hold because I was so stupid to get myself wrapped up in this mess."
"Edward, you don't have to force me, because I'll wait anyway," I sighed. I was shocked that he would even think about me letting go of him now that I finally had him. I know that this wasn't an ideal situation and neither of us had signed up for this, but that doesn't mean that I was just going to give up on him and get involved with the first teenage boy that would cross my path. No, thank you very much.
"I love you, Edward Cullen" I added, gazing into his eyes so he would see the love I held for him, "And your leaving now isn't going to change anything about that. I'll always love you."
He smiled softly at me, the tension leaving his body just as quickly as it had come, before pressing one of his tender kisses on my forehead. I sighed before kissing him right over his heart that was now beating firmly in his chest.
"As I will always love you," he added, "But I still don't expect anything from you."
I groaned in annoyance, knowing that Edward was one hell of a stubborn guy, but I was just as stubborn. I knew that nothing would change and I hope that he knew as well, but that he was just saying what he thought was needed. Stupid boy. Stupid incredible boy, though.
I snuggled closer to him, wrapping my arms around him in a tight hug in a motion to show him just how very much I loved him.
I didn't know how late it was by now, but I could feel my eyelids growing heavier and heavier. I fought the sleep with all my power, because I didn't want to miss out a single moment with Edward before he would be taken away from me. But when he softly started humming an unfamiliar tune in my ear, I knew I was done for. I fell asleep wrapped up in his arms and the lovely melody that made me think of all the happy moments we had had together.
A/N: Don't hate me. Please?
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Love, Ellen