Thanks to Torry-Riddle - best beta ever.
A/N: Sorry AGAIN for the late update. Real life happened. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for all the reviews/favorits/follows. Let me know what you think?
Disclaimer: I own nothing - Veronica Roth does.
Although I am emotionally exhausted I toss and turn in my bed for the whole night. I think I drifted off a few times only to wake up what feels like minutes later, grabbing the space next to me to find it empty. It's strange that I would do so because I can't imagine anyone being so accustomed to another person sleeping with him or her after just two nights. But I can't deny that I am looking for him on the other side of my bed, searching his heat and missing it. Maybe because we more or less fought it makes me act this way because I am afraid that I messed up badly. I try to go back to sleep for the sixth time that night, try to ignore the feeling in my stomach and the disgust I feel for my behavior. It was unfair because Eric didn't do anything wrong and the problem is on my shoulders alone.
I try to suppress everything but I can't deny to myself that I wish Eric would be here with me. I sigh into the darkness of my bedroom, looking at my touchpad to know what time it is. Four in the morning. I don't think there is any chance for me to get more rest so I stand up, throw on sweatpants and a tank top and put my hair into a high ponytail. When I look into my mirror I need to close my eyes in shame for a moment. My eyes are dull, dark circles under them and my mouth drawn into a hard line. I don't like the sight in front of me one bit, turn away from it and go to my kitchenette to grab something to drink.
I don't let my eyes stray to the counter or the couch because my first memories were of Eric and me sitting together, enjoying each other's company in a silent and calming way. I need to get out of here, I think when I feel a lump in my throat, take my bottle and leave my flat.
My feet lead me to the training hall I so often found myself in on the mornings when I still was an initiate. I need a moment to find the light switch but afterwards I just concentrate on everything around me. The puddles on the concrete floor are bigger from the rain in the last days and the air is freezing cold. I start to jog around the hall, let myself get lost in the burning of my lungs, the cold airstream making my eyes tear up. I brush them away with the backs of my hands and run faster, push forward and do two additional rounds, stumbling slightly when I come to an end, muscles in my legs burning, sweat soaking my tank top.
I stretch my muscles, trying to get my breathing to calm down and go to the weight lifting station, using more weight to make my muscles in my arms, back and stomach burn with hot fire. But I enjoy it and feel calm the only sound around me the dripping of the water from above me and my own ragged breathing.
Afterwards I go to the punching bag, falling into a rhythm of kicking, feet always in motion and punching. Skin hitting leather is added to the small orchestra of sounds around and within me. I try to ignore the ache in my chest, my heart beating painful against my ribcage and the sick feeling I get whenever my thoughts stray to Eric. I try to think of the things I read yesterday, go through the things I read in the manual, testing my own memory. I mumble the facts through numb lips, feeling my knuckles tear at the pressure I put into my hits, letting it distract me for a few minutes. But it doesn't work for too long and I break down on my knees and hands suddenly.
I feel myself laughing self-ironic and breathlessly then even though there is nothing humorous about my behavior, my feelings or the situation I find myself in. The sweat running down my skin cools me down too fast, letting me shiver and I cough slightly because the cold air burns my airways. It seems not even exhausting myself physically can stop my thoughts this morning and I try to accept it.
When I am freshly showered and dressed for the day, I sit down on my couch and try to come to terms with everything that happened yesterday. My reaction was over the top in more ways than one and I don't have difficulties to admit that I am the one at fault. I try to understand why I was angry with Eric's display, went so far as to pull away from his touches and couldn't tell him what was on my mind. I think that it stems from my thoughts as we made our way downstairs to the cafeteria.
When I entered the relationship I wasn't quite aware how much trouble I would have to overcome my fear of depending and concentrated on my feelings for him instead of on the emotions that root far back in my past. I underestimated the effect it has on me and in advance on Eric and maybe that, the worries I felt building up for my brother and the long and tiring day did the trick. I sigh and try to let this new knowledge sink in to secure it and not repeat it. I have to make sure I won't let my past rule my present and future because it just isn't fair to let Eric feel rejected and closed off just because I am afraid and slightly disgusted to depend on anyone. I square my shoulders afterwards, lock my door and put my touchpad into my pocket. I have a mission now and I won't listen to my brain telling me to not go through with it.
I make my way two floors up, stopping in front of apartment number 17 and knock before I can come up with a reason not to. I wait for a few moments, breathless but I don't hear any sound from behind the door. I knock again, louder now. I wait again and start to think that maybe he isn't even here. I am about to turn around, shoulders slumped when I hear sounds from his apartment. I knock for the third time to make sure he doesn't think he heard wrong. The door is thrown open, Eric's face drawn into an angry scowl that vanishes as soon as he sees me.
"Hey. Can I come in?" I ask softly. He just steps aside, closing the door behind him when I stand in the middle of his living room. I turn to him, dressed in only his shorts and have to suppress the urge to just go to him, touch him and kiss him until we both can't breathe anymore. He watches me, eyes still a bit cold and I try to not let it get to me. I was the one being wrong, I am responsible for the small fight we had and he has the right to be angry. I chew my lip and he frowns before sighing.
"Do you know what time it is?" He asks, his posture changing from tense to defeat in a heartbeat. I look at the clock and slightly cringe at seeing it is half past five. He takes my hand and leads me to his couch, pulling me down into his lap. I sigh at the contact, at his heat and close my eyes for a moment to let his whole being seep into me.
"I am sorry. I can't promise you it won't happen again but I am working on it. Promised." I whisper against his skin, feeling his hand going to my hair. He sighs again, stays silent and I let him take his time. I am the one that needs his forgiveness, needs him and I can only hope that his display means he accepts me back after my silly behavior.
Instead of saying anything I feel him tug my hair softly and I raise my eyes to look at him. His hands I love so much grab my hips and he pulls me up so I straddle his lap. Being on top of him makes me feel powerful and I blush slightly. He caresses my cheek, looks at me thoughtfully, his eyes a bit darker than normal. I can't stop my eyes from straying to his lips again and again, biting my own to hold me back. A few seconds later I give in to my urge though. I start kissing him, biting his lower lip slightly and welcome his tongue against mine. He moves his hand to my back, strong and determined and I try to grip his neck, nails against his skin to not get lost in the feeling within me. I press myself against him, can feel his muscles through my shirt and moan slightly at the intensity I feel. The rumbling in his chest reverberates in my own and I shudder at the passion our kiss evokes within me.
When we pull apart our fast breaths are mixing between us, chests heaving against each other. I let go of his neck, noticing I maybe put too much strength into my grip on it. But he doesn't seem to mind, his forehead resting against my collarbone. It's a fascinating, intimate gesture and I feel warmth within me. I kiss his ear and everything I can reach, letting my hands trail along his spine and through his short hair, enjoying the feeling of it against my palm. Eric breaths calmly and we stay silent for a lot longer. I lean my head down to rest my cheek on his hair and close my eyes.
His voice interrupts the silence between us and I look down, right into his eyes, and see determination and seriousness. I concentrate my whole being on him because this moment is important. I feel it deep in my bones.
"Tris. I am aware that trusting and confining in someone don't come easy to you. I accept this fact. If I wouldn't, I would have stayed away from you. I wouldn't have agreed to us." I smile slightly and my eyes shine with gratitude. His face doesn't change though, his voice holding a deep meaning I can't grasp fully.
"And I am also aware that this between us is new to you, that I am four years older, have more experience with relationships in general and that I am not an easy man to like. And although I am patient to some degree, try to be patient with you to get accustomed to me as a person and our relationship I am not a friend of drama and I don't like little games." I nod, try to communicate with my eyes that I know what he means. His hands are underlining his words, squeezing my hips at certain points.
"So the next time, say what bothers you, speak to me about it or just tell me to let it slip. I can't read your mind and I am not up to guessing. And I don't like you lying to me, especially when I see that something is wrong with you." His eyes hold mine. They are a steel grey again, serious and slightly cold. I understand that he has to look at me like this, though I can't suppress the light sadness I feel that we even had a fight after only two days. I feel guilty for being the reason, for my inexperience and grateful for his understanding for me at the same time.
"I am sorry." I whisper and he frowns, slightly shaking his head, his eyebrows furrowed. His hand comes up to my face, laying down on my cheek, thumb lightly caressing the skin under my eyes that burn slightly. I don't cry though.
"Don't apologize. As I said I understand. Just make sure to communicate with me." I nod, looking into his eyes and he seems to see what he is searching for. Eric pulls my head down then, kissing my cheek and mouth. I sigh against him, letting my mind absorb his words. I haven't felt like a teenager for a long time and I think as Dauntless members or initiates we grow up faster than almost anyone else in the other Factions. We are confronted with hard facts right from the beginning, learn consequences and making the wrong decisions can easily put us and the people around us in danger.
I always thought even before I entered initiation that I was wise or old beyond my years because of the things I already experienced and had to go through. But at the moment I feel young and silly for percepting myself this way. I may know how it feels to lose someone, to fight for yourself, to mourn and to carry on afterwards but it's not all there is to know and I shouldn't have defined my personality or my sense of myself solely on these facts. It's slightly uncomfortable because I don't want to see myself that way. I don't want to see myself as young and inexperienced. Though I guess I have to accept it. And if Eric can make amendments and is comfortable with this side of me that still has a lot of growing up to do I can as well I think.
Uriah and I easily slip into our new schedule after this first day that exhausted us both to the bone. Though I was tired I also felt contentment after my talk with Eric and things have smoothed into a comfortable routine. We eat supper together, he picking me up from the debriefing room or just meeting in the Pit in front of the cafeteria. On two days Jules joins us, keeping us up to date with her own training to become an instructor the next year for the Dauntless-born initiates. She and Eric exchange information I don't bother to memorize and I enjoy the friendly atmosphere after a tiresome shift. Afterwards Eric and I go to my flat, enjoy a bit of alone time.
Often enough I find myself straddling his lap, kneading his shoulders because he is tense, worry and stress taking their toll on him. It makes me worry in return but I also find it reassuring that he is human and not perfect. Because I see this side of him I am also slowly overcoming my insecure moments. When I work at his shoulders he lets his head fall forward onto my collarbone, sighing when I find a knot in his muscles and softly massage it out of them. He reciprocates with long, sensual kisses my toes curl to. We don't stay up too late, he sometimes carrying me to my bedroom to go to sleep, me curling up into him and both of us enjoying the closeness and calmness we find in each other.
I keep true to my resolve and go to train in the mornings, Eric joining me on almost every morning throughout the first week. When he isn't one morning I come up with a small plan to wake him, feeling happy that it was Friday and enjoying my slightly mischievous streak after a good training session, my body a bit sore, but my mind wide awake.
So I shower, put on some clothes but don't bother to dry my hair thoroughly, letting the cold water drop onto his bare chest when I lean over him. He is wide awake in seconds, hissing softly. He turns us around in the next moment, a smirk on his lips when he realises what or who woke him up. Eric growls lightly before coming down on me. He kisses me breathless and I am dazed when he pulls away.
I still feel his hands that traveled under my shirt just stopping at the lower part of my bra even though he stands in front of me, his arms crossed and a self-satisfied glint in his eyes observing the state he left me in. I guess it is his way to take revenge and I think he underestimated the part of me that enjoys his touches and is comfortable with his closeness. I am not going to enlighten him too soon if it means he continues to take revenge in this way.
On the weekend I meet up with almost every one of my friends though Peter isn't with us because he stays in the barracks with the rest of the Guards in the Factionless sector. I am slightly surprised that his absence is notable even though he just entered our group shortly before he left again. Maybe because he has a certain way to talk, his remarks sharp and adding a new opinion to our conversations we all feel that some part of our group is missing. I find myself asking what he is up to and if he is happy with his decision. If the work he choose is what he expected and if he found a sparring partner himself.
The rest of us exchanges stories about our first week, Christina's eyes shining with excitement at all the things that are about to come. She tells us about the things she can rely to us but makes a show of keeping everything else a secret. I chuckle at her behavior and tease her with the rest of my friends but all in good humor and she joins in when we laugh after a remark from Lynn or Uriah.
Will is full of complicated information, speaks nonstop when it is his turn, eyes ablaze with passion for the things he did and ignoring that one after another we stopped listening because we don't understand a word he says about brain functions, the components that need to be changed in the fear serum to make it even more fearsome or his first meeting with an Erudite to talk shop about the small details we can't grasp. But I don't think we need to understand him as long as we know that he seems to love his new occupation very much.
Marlene spots red cheeks when she tells us about her first week in the infirmary and the praise that was thrown her way. Her voice is filled with excitement when she talks about assisting in setting a leg from a Dauntless member that was clumsy jumping off the train. She got to stitch up some minor injuries some people spotted after a drunken bet that led to a competition who of them could still hit the targets right. I smile and listen intently because the way Marlene tells us about her experiences so far makes clear that she loves the work and feels passionate about it.
Uriah and Lynn take it upon themselves to talk about our first week in the control room unit. I am glad I don't have to speak at the moment, the early mornings in the training room, the long shifts in the control room monitoring my areas and afterwards learning the manuals by heart taking their toll on my energy. But I laugh when they make an untrue remark about watching Chris and Will making out in her flat to which both of them blush making the false story true at least a bit. I laugh along with the others and shake my head no when Chris' incredulous voice asks if this was really true. She seems to relax after I tell her that only public places are being watched and leans against Will.
Our group stands together, bonding over little anecdotes about themselves with people the rest of us doesn't know, shared alcohol to what I shake my head when I am offered some and light banter. I try to remember the time in initiation when I was mostly on my own, walked the tunnels of Dauntless and thought too much about all the things around me when I wasn't occupied surviving training or the fear simulations. I try to grasp my feelings back then, my inner restraint to keep to myself and the abandon with what I wanted to become my own person.
But all I succeed in is feeling the hole that the absence of my brother leaves in my chest. Through initiation I didn't get much time with him and I thought after we cleared up things between us after he behaved like an idiot that one night we would get more time together. My time schedule and his are alike now and I had hoped to see him in the monitoring room. So far I wasn't lucky. I don't want to talk to Lynn about it, about Tobias' absence because I don't want to put her in a situation where she stands between two persons – me as her friend and Tobias as her boyfriend. I shake off the heaviness in my mind and bring myself back to the beginning of my thoughts. My own behavior while I was in initiation, my feelings back then.
That time and the emotions are so far away on that Saturday night with my friends that it feels almost unreal to me. And though I am relaxed and I savour the moment I can't stop the worry that rises within me. I am slightly afraid that my newfound lightness to communicate with people and letting them in to some degree will come biting my ass at some point in the future. Maybe it is my trust issue speaking I argue with myself because so far my friends never gave me a reason to not rely on them. Though I also think there wasn't a situation until now I really needed to depend on them – I fiercely hope I never have to because I don't think I can. Not now at least. Maybe never. I cringe slightly, feeling the darkness ready to jump my back. But I force myself to not dwell too long on the thoughts, to not give the foreboding feeling too much power above me. My friends want me to be in the middle of their conversation and not far away in the contemplations of my mind and I will do them the favor.
We say our goodbyes much later, some of our group tipsy and they take longer to go because they want to make sure that the rest of us knows how much they love us. I smile at them a bit forced, slightly stiffening at the continuous touches and hugs and sloppy kisses to the cheek but let them have their way. I am more comfortable with most of the physical contact that comes with having friends and don't hold back in my interaction with Eric but it still sets me on edge sometimes, especially when I am tired or thinking too much.
After the last of my group is gone I take a moment to relax a bit, center myself and try to shake off some of the tiredness before I start my search for Eric. We had agreed on separating for the evening to catch up with our friends and promised to find the other when we wanted to go to bed or the get together was over. I like the way we don't crowd each other, give us small moments for ourselves. It makes interacting so much more enjoyable and soothes my and I believe his independent nature.
I try not to think about my dependence too much because I know it's a weakness I still haven't found a solution to and I fear that it will become an issue at some point in the future, too again. I don't like that my balance is fragile like that and just needs a slight push to leave me. I think I have to work on it, find a steadiness within myself before I let it interfere with my relationships. And maybe dependence isn't the real problem, but my view on it is. But I just don't seem to be able to find something reassuring in it. It frightens me. My feelings for a certain Dauntless Leader do, too sometimes, but fortunately not too much.
I find Eric soon later in his circle of friends. Mart, Leo and Jules are there and some people I don't know yet. An uneasy feeling enters my mind when I look at so many unknown faces, my hand going through my hair. I square my shoulders not quite comfortable to approach Eric with people that seem even older than him but not willing to go back on our agreement to meet.
Maybe because I am tired after the long evening and because I started to think on difficult subjects I should have left alone in my current state I feel self-conscious about the difference in age between Eric and me and what other people might think about it. If they percept our relationship as something fleeting, Eric choosing a young girl to have some fun with and things along those lines. It would fit his image, I guess, but I know better and try to convince myself that that is enough.
I never thought about our age difference before because I was convinced that four years aren't much and it never crossed my mind when I contemplated my feelings for him and a possible relationship while things were still unclear between us. But after he mentioned it in our conversation when I messed up after my first day of working in the control room it is a constant thought in the background of my mind. I push down my nervousness as good as possible, concentrate on the fact that it doesn't matter really and Eric doesn't seem to mind.
When I finally go up to his group he is made aware of my presence by a guy next to him and turns around. His face splits into a gentle and small smile he only reserves for private moments between the two of us and I am slightly taken aback at his openness and confused as well what could prompt it.
He welcomes me with a tight embrace. His hands move down to my hips afterwards, his thumbs caressing the skin at my hips and kisses me hard. I feel his kiss to the soles of my feet, enjoy his display of dominance and possessiveness but stop him when his tongue wants to explore my mouth. Eric growls a bit when I push him away gently but I feel uncomfortable to let his friends see our intimidate moment and slightly on edge after my musings from before.
I smell the alcohol in his breath, slightly wrinkling my nose but chuckle lightly at his behavior, the tension in my stomach for his act slowly vanishing. He says goodbye soon after I arrive. We turn away from his friends after I smile at Jules, Mart and Leo and intertwine my hand with his that is thrown casually over my shoulder, my other arm around his waist. A weight I didn't know was there lifts slightly until I hear cat-calls following us and my back goes rigid again, nervousness lets my neck prickle. Eric chuckles lowly, flips off his friends with his free hand and leans down to me. He places a gentle kiss on the crone of my hair, reassuring me with a short 'ignore them, love'. I sigh and try to concentrate on him. I have to get used to things like that I think.
I sit in my small alcove, writing down the report for Max he informed me he needed until Monday morning. I am a bit angry with his demanding tone in the e-mail I received sometime in the last night but take his assignment serious and brush my anger away easily enough.
I am not quite sure what Max expects me to write and need a moment to think it through. I guess he wants to know how I do, what I experienced so far and learned from Kent. I make a first draft on paper, enjoying the movement of my hand over the paper. It feels strange to write again because I didn't have to in the last weeks. I need to take small pauses in-between writing down different stages when my fingers cramp up a bit. I flex the fingers of my right hand and use the interruptions to reread the sentences I just put down, scratch out some passages and break them down to the crucial information. I don't think Max is interested in reading a full blown out report of every day. He probably receives reports from Kent as well.
After I wrote down my last paragraph I lean back in my chair and proofread the one page report. I nod to myself and start to type the text into my touchpad. It's slightly uncomfortable to use the device, my wrist hurting when I am finished because I am not used to the position I had to hold them in to not put the cursor somewhere I don't want it. I reread it again and send it off to Max' e-mail account soon later.
I run my hands through my still a bit wet hair and let my eyes travel through my tidy room and over to the man in my bed. I smile slightly at his posture similar to the one he had when I woke up next to him for the first time, arm thrown over his face, laying on his back. It's nice to have him around, sharing meals and hot cups of tea. I smile in the mornings when I see his soap and deodorant stand next to my things and sometimes I allow myself to think of the future I could share with him if everything works out, sharing a flat then as well. But I am not ready for that and I think I won't be in the next months, maybe even years. Though I am never without him in my flat, I still feel better to know that I have my own place, that I can close my door to everyone, even to him, if I feel the need to. Maybe that has something to do with my fierce will to be independent as well.
I sigh, coming back from thoughts and concentrate on my touchpad again, stopping the massage of my wrists. I open my notes I took throughout the week and start to reread them. I go through the different documents, try to memorize the different facts, test myself on some and realise I can lose myself in my task. I take random sips from my cup, legs drawn up to my chest and the blanket I bought a week ago around my shoulders keeping me warm because my flat is still cold even though I have turned on all the radiators throughout the rooms. I really need to see the janitor I think to myself when a shiver runs down my spine.
A groan from my bed makes me aware of Eric waking up half an hour later and I smile at him when he pushes himself into a sitting position against the headboard, bare chest with the piercings in his nipples in plain sight. I enjoy the view, let my eyes travel over the expanse of his torso to his tattoos at his neck I love so much. My smile broadens slightly as he tries to wake up fully, eyes squinting even though I made sure to close the curtains before I stood up.
I refill my cup with some tea that calms the stomach and go over to him, pressing it into his hand and kissing his forehead. I am glad that I am an observant person and listened to Uriah when he told me that he had a hangover after our initiation party and the only thing helpful was the chamomile tea Marlene brought him. Eric takes a sip of the tea, a sigh escaping his lips, one of his eyes opening slightly, the other still squinted close.
"Hey love." His voice is raspier than I ever heard it and it lets something shiver insight of me. He takes a few sips from the lukewarm tea again, puts the cup down on the floor beside the bed and pulls me into him, embracing me tight as I straddle his lap and lets his head rest against my shoulder. I stroke his neck before my hands find his temple and start to massage them softly. He groans slightly, shoulders slumping forward in relaxation and I take pleasure in easing his hangover even though I wasn't sure how to help him. After a moment of Eric enjoying my hands on his probably slightly painful head he turns us around with ease and I marvel at his strength and the way his biceps and triceps flexes with the movement.
"Feeling okay now?" I ask him, voice slightly muffled because my face lays comfortable against his chest and low because I don't want to pop the bubble around us. He nods above me and I sigh against him, slinging my arms around his waist, my fingers traveling his back, fascinated with the rippling of his muscles when I touch them.
"Any plans for today?" Eric asks, voice still a bit rough and I hear a slight strain in it as well, his hand trailing up and down my back and I hum at the soft feeling of his fingertips.
"I finished my report for Max and have to memorize a few things before tomorrow. Training later I think and the rest of the day I want to just relax. Oh, I need to reach the janitor for my floor." I say, my face turning into a frown when I think about ways to contact him.
"Why would you need him?" Eric asks, pushing my head up gently and kissing my forehead, probably progressing good with overcoming his hangover.
"I think my heating unit doesn't work correctly. Don't you feel how cold it is in here?" I ask him, underlining my statement unintentionally when I shiver. He shakes his head, slightly frowning at the movement and I chuckle softly. He squeezes my hip in response to my amusement at his expanse.
"Well, I guess because you are a heating system yourself you don't feel how freezing it is in here." I say, playfully thoughtful. He raises an eyebrow and I smile.
"Oh, am I?" He asks, his hand traveling under my shirt, his rough skin against mine feeling wonderful.
"Yes, my personal heating system. Good I found you before winter is upon us." I nod and he smiles gently down at me before he kisses me softly, the movements sensual and muted by his hangover and the atmosphere around us. We are quiet for a while, hands brushing against skin, lips meeting random places.
"I think I could help you with that. With your heating unit. There are some knicks-knacks I learned throughout the years." Eric says before yawning slightly, fingers now running through my hair and I hum, let my own fingers travel over his ribcage to his nipple piercings and up to his neck. I hear a small groan from him at the contact and kiss his chest over his heart.
"Leader, instructor and now you know how to repair my heater. I am amazed at your abilities." I say lightly, only a small note of teasing in my voice. He pulls my hair a bit more in response to my statement and I moan at the pleasurable pain it causes, biting his chest instinctively. Eric's hand lets loose and he groans again.
"Tris." He says and I smile up at him, pecking him on the lips before I stand up. He falls back on his back and I look a moment longer at him. He scowls at me slightly, making me chuckle. I leave the bedroom then to prepare a small meal for us with the few things I find in my refrigerator. I don't see the need in buying too much food because I always end up eating in the cafeteria and I think it won't change for a long time because I still enjoy the noisy chaos down there.
I hear the shower starting when I start to get the things I need to cook, the rushing water and groaning pipes a dead give-away that Eric is ready to start the day a bit more. I like these small quirks of my apartment because it makes me feel at home knowing all the sounds, identifying the movements around my flat with them and it gives me a sense of safety I never felt in Abnegation.
The simple task of mixing the eggs in a bowl with salt and pepper gives me room to think and I think it's debatable if this is a good thing. I feel content at the moment, bold for my actions in the bedroom but enjoy it enormously. I like that I can be like that and am not stuck up or stiff – I snort slightly at that – when it comes to exchanging teasing gestures or sensual kisses with Eric. At least I am comfortable when we are alone.
His display from the night before comes back into my mind and lets me frown a bit. I don't try to dwell on it though and push it back. I still feel it under the surface of my other feelings and hope I can suppress it. I don't want to show him that I am uncomfortable with something that he uses to boost my confidence with and that is his way of showing that he likes me, is falling in love with me every day a bit more. Just like I am with him. I sigh and shut up my mind.
I carry Eric's plate to my bedroom and see him sipping his tea, hair glistening because it's still wet from his shower and staring off into space. He looks up to me when I stand next to him and puts his cup down again, taking the offered plate with scrambled eggs and two slices of toast.
"It's not much but I guess it's better to eat something light anyway." I say casually but not quite able to suppress the frown from my face. He raises an eyebrow at my comment, chewing and swallowing his bite before looking up at me. I mentally cringe, sit down next to him after he scoots over, my legs folded under me. I bite my lip and frown slightly. He stays silent for a moment and I feel his eyes on me. Not five minutes ago I hoped that I am a good enough actress to cover up the feelings within me but they seem to have a will of their own. I scowl mentally, try to ignore that he looks slightly angry.
"If this is about me drinking last night..." He begins but sees the shaking of my head and stops himself. His shoulders relax a bit again.
"It's not. I may be your girl, but it's your decision if you want to drink alcohol or not." I answer honestly, smiling softly when he looks at me with this special, affectionate glint in his eyes I like so much. We stay silent for a moment, Eric eating slowly and I chewing my lip in thought.
"You remember what I told you a week ago?" He asks calmly after a few minutes, his voice forced into a casual tone but I hear the underlining worry and feel guilty for not being able to open up to him without a small fight on his part. Honestly I had hoped my slip up would have been forgotten after my comment, not that I really planned on it and now I find myself contemplating if I can do what he silently asks me to or if I can come up with a distraction again. I sigh and run a hand through my hair.
"Yes, just give me a moment to sort through my feelings, ok?" I say and he nods. I sigh softly again and try to put my thoughts into an orderly way. If I am to open up to him I want it to be in an organised way. I don't want him to get me wrong and I don't want to blow the matter out of proportion.
"Ok, I think I am ready." I tell him, looking at him from under my eyelashes. Eric looks at me without judgement and I sense that he is as open minded as he can be. Though he emanates nothing but calmness I feel my stomach turn a bit because I am unsure if I have the right to feel this way and not overreact to something as small as being uncomfortable for a few minutes. An event that occurred only one time when he shared our intimidate moment. I square my shoulders and stop thinking.
"You see, yesterday evening I was slightly uncomfortable about the way you showed off our relationship in front of your friends." I say, my voice slightly wavering and I scowl at myself. I told myself a while back that I will accept myself and to accept myself I have to accept the things I feel. So I may not have a right to feel this way in general but now I think I have a reason and a right as well. I don't want to feel ashamed for my feelings.
"Ok. And why is that?" He asks, taking one of my hands in his, his thump caressing the back of my hand, his heat seeping into my skin. His gesture is minimal but all the more important because he tries to communicate with me through it. Just say it. I won't be angry. We can go through this together. I sigh softly, smile a bit wobbly and try to accept my own feelings instead of feeling silly for them.
"I think it's a mixture of thinking too much about their opinion on our relationship, my uncomfortable way when meeting new people in general and your friends especially and my fear of letting anyone other than you see how much you mean to me and what you can do to me with one kiss." I look to Eric and his eyes are fixed on our hands. He doesn't speak up for a few moments, his only reaction the slight squeezing of his hand. He puts down the plate on the floor and fixes his eyes on our hands again.
I chew my lip, getting more nervous with every passing second. That and I feel slightly uncomfortable to share it with him. I know I can trust him to some degree and I let myself do so. But I showed him a part of me I myself don't like very much, showed him a weakness that he could use to hurt me. I try to tell myself that he never would hurt me consciously but I also know that he might do so subconsciously sometime in the future. I frown slightly and shake off the churning of my stomach and the negative thoughts.
"Could you talk to me please?" I ask, my voice low. His eyes meet mine and I recognize a soft glint of reassurance and affection in them.
"I think I understand how you feel. I want you to know though that you don't need to worry about people in general or my friends for that matter. I don't care what they think." Eric sounds aloof and I frown slightly because his words contradict each other. If he really understands how I feel then he wouldn't say that he doesn't care for other people's opinion. I don't think he can fully grasp my uncomfortable feeling and I don't blame him for it because he himself never was in my situation.
"It's easy for you to say that you don't care what they think. You already made a name for yourself, intimidate the people around you or have owned their respect. I on the other hand... what is there to see then an Abnegation turned Dauntless." I bite my lip because I reveal even more of myself.
"I think you aren't aware how you appear to most people." I frown slightly and he seems to sense my question smiling softly and brushing away a few strands of my hair. His hand takes mine up again, letting our joined limbs rest between us on the bed.
"You are strong, Tris. You are fearless. Everyone with two eyes sees you as completely Dauntless. I see you like this. And you don't come off as a nervous teen with too many insecurities to count. Most people tell me that they respect you for your performance in the fear landscape and think you are quite grown up even though you are only 16." His words make me blush slightly and it's hard to believe what he tells me when I myself am unsure about most things around me and within me. I guess I can believe him though because he doesn't sound like a lovesick man, blinded by affection but talks calmly, his voice a bit clinical even, honest and completely serious. And because I think he wouldn't lie to me just to make me feel better. He said so himself not too long ago.
"As for making you feel this way. I am not sorry for that in the slightest." He sounds self-satisfied and I smile at his display lightly. Eric smirks in response. His words change the atmosphere around us that was serious just a few seconds ago, tense a bit because it touched things I am not comfortable with and he seemed to sense it again just like that. We are silent for a moment and I sigh softly because I think we can move on again and it wasn't too bad to talk to him about it. But Eric speaks up again, his voice serious and I get the feeling it costs him much more then he lets on when the words leave his mouth.
"And I think I can't change my behavior towards you – sober or slightly inebriated – even though I know it would make you feel better." Eric frowns slightly and for a reason unknown my voice is not louder than a whisper when I speak up.
"Why is that?" His hand holds mine tightly and he doesn't meet my eyes. I am nervous and know without a real proof or explanation that this moment is one I want to remember as long as I live.
"Because I know without a doubt that not too far in the future I will love you."
Thanks for reading - review please.
I know - this chapter wasn't really exciting, but I wanted to establish some things, wanted to show the development everyone goes through especially in the first few months of a new relationship. I also know that Eric is pretty much ooc here, but I guess it fits the storyline and I like him that way. Let me know what you think and until next time.